Proper parenting: child psychology and advice to parents

Raising children is a complex task that lasts from the moment a child arrives in your family. Sometimes the behavior of their beloved child confuses loving parents, and it seems that there is simply no way out of the current situation. However, there is always a way out, you just need to think about your actions towards the child, analyze your child’s behavior, find out why he behaves intolerably, try to look at the problems of education through the eyes of the child.

Parents should know the basics of child psychology

Communication between parents and child plays an important role in education. Many experts claim that this is the most important and effective way to influence behavior and character in childhood, which will subsequently play a great role in shaping the future personality and outlook on children’s lives.

Trusting relationship between parents and children

Below are articles on the topic “child psychology”, “raising a child”, which all parents should read so as not to make mistakes in raising a child.

An article about how to calm children during conflicts

Most parents have no idea how to convince a child to behave calmly, or how to find an approach in childhood with their child.

Raising children who have reached adolescence is a headache for many parents. The child’s psychology changes dramatically, his mood often changes. A few minutes ago, communication with the child’s parents was very pleasing; he was telling adults about his studies, his achievements and his life in society, but after a while the child seemed to be replaced. He begins to be capricious, demand to buy him expensive things or ask to go for a night walk. Don’t let this behavior scare you, since the child’s psyche is changing, this is considered normal behavior in children.

What to do in case of conflict? Keep calm

At such a fairly young age, children themselves understand on a subconscious level that they are behaving incorrectly. But still, the stubborn character and stubbornness of the child prevails over reason. Usually in such a situation, parents give up, citing a difficult age. Sometimes they make mistakes in parenting, showing their weakness, giving in to the whims of a teenager. The worst thing is when adults lose their temper due to stress and raise their voices at the child.

A radical change in mood in children, disgusting behavior in childhood can drive anyone crazy, even the most balanced educators.

You should absolutely not shout at a child, because in this case the child’s psyche may deteriorate.

Children's negativism is a temporary phenomenon

To avoid quarrels, you need to follow a number of rules:

If your child has uncontrollable behavior, try to take matters into your own hands. Give him more time, do his favorite things with him;
Articles about psychology tell us that it is important for children to have free time. Give him a break from everyone and be alone, take care of his worries and affairs;
If you do lose your temper and yell at your children, then you need to correct the situation as soon as possible. When the situation calms down a little, the child’s psyche returns to normal, you should explain your behavior.

Punishing a child should not be scary and inadequate

Literature

If difficulties arise during the upbringing process, parents should not let the situation take its course. Firstly, you should not be embarrassed to ask for help from a professional - a family or child psychologist or psychotherapist will help solve any problem. Secondly, there are thematic, very interesting books that will certainly tell you a lot of new things about the child’s psyche. What can be recommended from the literature on this issue:

G. P. Shalaeva and O. G. Sazonova “Rules of behavior for well-mannered children.”
M. Ibuka “After three it’s too late.”
O. Makhovskaya “100 parenting mistakes that are easy to avoid.”
Yu. Gippenreiter “The most important book for parents.”
E. Belonoshchenko “Born with character” and others.

The Constitution of the country in which the family lives should also become a reference book. For example, in the Russian Federation, the responsibilities of parents regarding education are enshrined at the legislative level. They are contained in Article 44 of the Federal Law “On Education in the Russian Federation”. Date: 12/29/2012. Search under number 273-FZ. The latest updated version is from 05/01/2019.

In the same way, the responsibility of parents for raising children is spelled out at the legislative level in the “Code of the Russian Federation on Administrative Offences”. Date - 12/30/2001. Search under number 195-FZ. The latest updated version is from 05/29/2019.

Whatever child you want to raise, the main thing is to do it without yelling and punishment. Only by respecting and loving him is it possible to grow a full-fledged, self-sufficient, self-confident person.

How to properly encourage a child so as not to spoil him

When children are 3 years old, he is already well adapted to the world around him. They start to think about what they are doing. Basically, all their actions are aimed at attracting the attention of their parents. He does not always manage to achieve what he needs by behaving exemplarily. Sometimes the child’s psyche understands that bad behavior is a sure step towards attracting the attention of adults. You should not immediately scold your child if he has committed a bad act. Better analyze your actions.

How to encourage a child - tips

Most children at this age behave impulsively. He can laugh and play calmly, and a minute later start crying for no apparent reason. At an early age, children do not yet know how to control their behavior. Parents should not forget about this. If he does not fulfill the requests of adults, for example, does not put away his toys, he is not demonstrating his harmful character, but is simply busy with his own affairs that are important to him. So far, he still does not know how to instantly think about his actions. The correct reaction of parents in the current situation affects the future development of the child.

Types of rewards in the family

The formation of a child’s personality, the child’s healthy and strong psyche, largely depends on the parents’ attitude towards him, as well as the time spent playing in childhood, and the reaction of adults to the child’s bad behavior.

Styles

Much depends on the parenting style adopted in the family.

Authoritarian style (autocratic, dominant, dictatorial)

A characteristic feature is the strictest discipline and the unquestionable authority of parents, with whom one cannot argue. They place too high demands on their children and begin to prepare them for adulthood early. In such families, adherence to clear, unquestionable traditions is valued above all else. Yes, you can raise an obedient child in this style, but at the same time he will grow up lacking initiative, depressed and passive-aggressive, and in adolescence he will easily succumb to the influence of others, since he will not have his own opinion.

Liberal (permissive, indulgent, hypoprotective)

Education takes place in a friendly, warm atmosphere. Too trusting relationships are established between adults and young family members when there are no prohibitions and restrictions. This is fraught with the absence of boundaries and established rules that cannot be violated. Children begin to feel that they can communicate in this style with any adult. Outside the home, they will try to control and manipulate others. This interferes with the formation of positive self-esteem and social development.

Democratic (authoritative, collaborative style)

The main thing in a democratic educational system is care, emotional support, attention, consistency, fairness, and sincerity on the part of parents. In such families, adults and children spend a lot of time together, but at the same time everyone has their own personal space, which is respected by others. Everyone has certain rights, but they are necessarily subject to general rules. If you want to raise a successful child, this is the best option. He will grow up obedient, but not dependent on other people's opinions, as happens with an authoritarian style.

Chaotic (inconsistent)

Today, parents strictly punish for the most minor offense and do not allow children to go out later than 9 pm. Tomorrow, carried away by their problems, they forget all their demands, let go of the reins and are not at all interested, even after 22.00, whether the children are at home. Or another example of a similar parenting style: dad doesn’t allow you to eat chips, and mom brings a huge pack from the store. As a result of the absence of a unified system, one of the basic needs of the individual for clear boundaries and stability is leveled out. Over time, this leads to social maladjustment.

Caregiver (child-centered, hypercustody)

Excessive guardianship and suppression of any attempts at independence and freedom on the part of parents lead to the formation of social and personal immaturity. The consequences are laziness, passivity, infantilism, uncertainty, and fear of mistakes. Tight control forces the child to cheat and lie.

These styles of family education clearly demonstrate how large the role of parents is in this process. They must self-reflect, see their mistakes and correct them in a timely manner in order to prevent distortions in the development of the child’s personality.

Proper praise and encouragement of children during parenting

It is important for parents not only to punish their child for bad behavior and actions, but also to praise them. You need to learn how to properly praise a child so that he will continue to do good deeds. If you constantly tell your child how good he is at every opportunity, the child will no longer like it. He will take such praise from adults for granted. Therefore, it is necessary to praise your child only for a job well done, for all possible help to adults, for useful actions that he performed, spending his personal time on it. Of course, you should give him compliments, tell him that he did well, that his parents appreciate him very much, but don’t overdo it.

About reward and punishment - when and how to use it

Praising children is only worthwhile. In this case, you should talk to him as sincerely as possible, so that he forever understands that doing good deeds for good is great.

You can respond to positive actions from a child by presenting him with desired gifts for this. In this case, you should also not forget about a sense of proportion. You can use not only sweets and expensive gadgets as a gift. Trips to the circus, theater or cinema will bring joy and bright emotions to the little man. Mom and her daughter can bake some goodies for a mini-holiday. It will be much more interesting than just buying sweets in a store, and besides, the joint actions of an adult and a baby will unite the family and help to better understand children and influence their character.

We need to spoil the children

Relationship theory

It’s worth starting with the fact that humanity has not yet created such a psychological theory, using which parents and children could build impeccable relationships. This is impossible, at a minimum, due to the individual characteristics of each participant in the system, their characters, all sorts of influencing circumstances and factors that affect both adults and children. The psychology of relationships with children is influenced by many factors, some of which remain invisible until the very end.

Using any pre-prepared model, it is impossible to create an ideal relationship. The psychology of communicating with children has not yet reached this level, but this does not mean that nothing can be done to improve these relationships. Parents and children are able to avoid making some mistakes by turning to the theoretical foundations of the relationship between the adult-child system.

The way the parental instinct manifests itself in a person with a behavioral, emotional and social character is parenthood. This fully conscious part of every person originates from the unconscious instinct of reproduction. It also relies on the norms of society, which assert that the family is the basic unit of society, which is characterized by the union of a man and a woman, living together, and the desire to give birth, raise and socialize children.

It should be remembered that the main environment in which children will live, develop and form as individuals is the family.

After all, it is in the family environment that the basic models of social relationships are comprehended, which begins in early childhood. Childhood can legitimately be considered the main period of human development; it is then that he learns about the world, masters new mechanisms of cognition and relationships between people. Psychologists have repeatedly expressed the opinion that the formation of basic skills, abilities and character traits occurs in childhood and develops throughout life.

Read more: The Pygmalion effect (Rosenthal), when expectations come true

The importance of the family institution should not be underestimated, because in childhood the child will be in a kind of isolation from society. Parents have a huge responsibility, since they are the main source for children through which they will understand human relationships.

Don't try to conquer chaos

It is useless to deny chaos and also useless to fight it. With the birth of a child, it will still overtake you. After all, children do not live according to the laws of adults. They create their own rules and are able to change the parent’s entire life plan. Be patient and accept the mess. He is now in your life for a long time.

“With the birth of children, the forces of chaos enter your life. At the same time, relying on some kind of schedule in your affairs is like navigating your way through a hurricane. When a strong wind blows, there is no time for routes. You need to understand this and come to terms with the inevitable. If you don't come to terms, you will fight chaos. You will complain about your failures, blame yourself and others for them, try to correct the inevitable, and be disappointed. Treat it with the calm of a true Zen Buddhist."

What methods are used as part of positive parenting?

1) A capricious child is simply demotivated. He doesn't see any other way to get your attention. And as long as you focus only on bad behavior, the situation will not change. It is necessary not to scold the child, but to restore a positive connection with him.

2) Approve the child’s actions, not his personality. It is better to say “I like that you removed your toys from the floor” than to call the child “well done” or “clean”.

3) Give your child special time - even if you are very busy, find 5-10 minutes a day for some joint activity. The child will feel needed and will be less naughty.

4) Every day, before going to bed, invite your child to talk about the saddest and happiest experiences he encountered during the day. If your child cannot remember anything good, help him by talking about your happy moments or reminding him of the events of the day.

Don't know how to get your child to talk? Read the article: 30 questions to ask your child instead of the banal “How was your day?”

5) Have family meetings to find solutions to problems together.

The atmosphere should be friendly: everyone should have the right to be heard. Brainstorming will help you find a solution to the problem, and the chosen option should suit everyone. If one of the family members takes on obligations, decide on an exact deadline, down to the minute. If children break their commitments, remind them that they agreed to them voluntarily.

6) Do not teach your child that you will do everything for him. Let him learn on his own and not be afraid to make mistakes. If you need help, help with advice or instructions.

7) Don’t forget to check whether the child understood you correctly when you asked him to do something.

Show your child a positive example of respectful interactions with others. Be firm if the situation requires it, but do not resort to swearing, insults or aggression.

Advice from a psychologist How to stop yelling at a child? Learning to control our emotions.

9) Learn to stop and calm down in time in order to assess the situation with a cool head and make an informed decision. Teach this approach to your children too.

For example, a child declares that he hates you. Tell him that his words do not make you happy at all, but you understand that he says this in the heat of the moment. Invite your child to take a breath, and then calmly tell him what exactly he is upset about.

10) Create a bright and safe corner for your child with toys and calm music, where he can sit and calmly think about his behavior if you call a time out.

11) Punishment will help stop bad behavior in the current moment, but in the future it will cause sadness, resentment or even revenge. Therefore, if you take away a toy, calmly explain why you did this and under what conditions the child will receive it back.

10 ways to punish a child without screaming, belting or humiliation.

12) Mistakes are something from which you can learn. Work on a mistake begins with its recognition, then general reconciliation must come, including the child must forgive himself. And when this happens, we can work together to come up with a plan to correct the error.

13) Don’t try to deal with the consequences if the problem is the child’s behavior. Let your child help you figure out how to solve it. But the method chosen must be relevant to the scale of the problem and be respectful and helpful to the child.

14) When you try to correct a child’s behavior in one way or another, do not forget to show respect and remind the child that he is important and loved.

Don't dwell on bad behavior

Instead of constant reproaches, pay attention to the good. Praise your child and explain to him why exactly you rewarded him. This method is more effective than comments and dissatisfaction.

“If you feed something, it will grow. If you don't feed it, it will gradually fade away. It's a simple principle, but most who have trouble communicating with their children either miss it or have never thought about how or what behavior they are actually rewarding."

Never deny your child attention

The child truly craves the attention of an adult. It is important for him to know that you are really listening and looking at him, and not soaring somewhere in the clouds, thinking through your adult affairs. Show your interest and spend quality time with your child without being distracted by your phone.

“Like real piranhas that can eat a cow in a few minutes, children pounce on any attention, which they never get enough of. They are ready to do anything to be noticed, even if it harms not only others, but also themselves. <…> For piranhas, the main goal in life is to devour everything that gets in their way. For children, the main goal in life is to constantly attract the attention of others, no matter what the cost.”

What to read about positive parenting?

Books that will help you learn positive parenting:

"Children Are From Heaven" by John Gray

The book examines in detail each of the principles of positive parenting and tells how to behave with a child in difficult situations, including when your child begins adolescence.

“Positive parenting. How to understand your child”, Olga Makhovskaya

The book will tell you how not to turn a child into a victim of your unrealized fantasies, but to raise an independent, full-fledged personality. This book was also published under the title “Naughty Child. Reboot".

"Positive Parenting from A to Z" by Karen Joslin

In this book, in alphabetical order, mother of many children Karen Joslyn answers 140 questions about children's behavior.

“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk,” Faber, Mazlish

This book will help build communication with your child. Do you remember that positive parenting involves learning to listen to your children and convey your thoughts to them?

Create boundaries for your child

Children need boundaries, otherwise they simply do not understand how to live in our big world. Clearly outline the boundaries beyond which you cannot go. Then the child will not irritate you or confuse the people around you.

“It’s the nature of children to move forward until they hit some obstacle. For some children, it’s enough just to know that an obstacle exists, others need to push against it several times with all their might, but everyone needs boundaries. A world without borders is a very dangerous and frightening place for a small person.”

What is family and parental relationships?

A family is a small socio-psychological group that is formed on the basis of deep trusting relationships between all its members. What a family and parental relationships will be like depends on the knowledge, aspirations and goals between its members.

The parental relationship is the connection between the parent and the child as a whole. But the level of these relationships depends on the parent himself. After all, mom and dad are the main source of the educational function. And they must take into account every detail to make this mechanism work correctly.

Be consistent

You may not always be able to act logically and correctly. Therefore, when making this or that decision regarding his life, just try to control yourself.

“For me, consistency means that I consistently avoid the urge to throw my kids out the window, and that’s in a relatively good mood. Everything else is relative. Everything, even consistency—especially consistency.”

Authoritarian parenting produces infantile people

Take whims seriously

Pay attention to your child's behavior and whims. In this way he expresses what he is not yet able to say in words. Every gesture, grimace and antics of your child is an appeal to you or a protest. Just be careful.

“Behavior is simply a form of communication. Climbing out of a window at night and running away from home is a kind of saying. Children are much more willing to express their thoughts and feelings through behavior than through words. The main reason is that they still have few words. They have a lot of feelings, but they don’t yet know how to choose the right words and expressions to express these feelings.”

Features of education at the present time

The modern system of home education is to give the child all the benefits and available material things. The financial guideline fosters greed, hypocrisy, and the desire to please where it promises benefit. Most often, girls inherit this upbringing from their mother, boys from their father. Reluctance to follow parental guidelines must be eradicated at the subconscious level, with outside help. The desire to change family relationships is a mutual decision of both parties.

The presence of a large number of educational institutions inspires parents with the idea that other people are capable of replacing a child’s home, parents’ attention, and their authority. The same situation arises when the baby is left for a long time with a nanny or grandmother. It is important to understand that the consequences of upbringing will fall on the shoulders of the parents.

Allow your child to argue with you

It’s normal to argue and defend your opinion. Teach your child how to conduct constructive dialogue and discussion by example. Then you won't end up with a typical, foaming-at-the-mouth debater.

“At the same time, you don’t need to be a dictator who suppresses the slightest signs of disagreement. It is natural to disagree and argue. Showing disrespect is another matter. Arguing proves that you are doing your job as parents. They show that children are growing up and that they have their own opinions about everything.”

If you recognize yourself: two steps to healing

Psychological work with the topic of parent-child relationships usually takes place in two stages:

Rethinking the past;
Search for new behavior patterns.

By rethinking your childhood experience, you will see how it controls your life in the present: why you choose these particular people, enter into these particular conflicts, and experience these particular feelings. Understanding this allows us to develop a different attitude towards the world.

Where you notice automatic behavior conditioned by the past, you may wonder if you could do something differently.

To be more effective, it is better to do this work in collaboration with a psychotherapist, since there are things that are difficult to recognize on your own. Each of us has blind spots and defense mechanisms that prevent us from seeing our own problems.

Stage 1. Rethinking the past and saying goodbye to childhood

The most important and at the same time the most difficult task in working through past experience is to say goodbye to the images of an ideal mother and an ideal childhood that never happened.

Growing up, the child creates in his imagination an image of his mother based on unfulfilled desires. This substitution can be noticed through resentment and anger towards the real mother: we tend to unconsciously compare the behavior of a real person with the desired image - and when the two pictures do not correspond to each other, we experience unpleasant feelings:

“Instead of talking to your daughter, spending time with her, you disappeared at work! You were never there for the important moments! Normal mothers are interested in how their child lives, but you...!”

By writing such tirades, we still hope that we will reach our mother - and she will change: she will finally hear us, become attentive, caring and warm. That is, she will turn into exactly that ideal mother from childhood fantasies.

At this stage of working on your parent-child relationship, it is important to recognize that there is no ideal mother. Even if your relationship improves in the present, the past cannot be replayed. Then, in childhood, when this attention was so important, it was not there - the purpose of accepting this fact is not to find someone to blame, but to exhaust one’s grief and move on.

Admitting that as a child you did not have the kind of mother you needed is not easy and very sad. This long and difficult process of accepting the past can last for years.

Might be interesting

I protest! How to distinguish prolonged teenage rebellion from true independence

How can you help yourself in this process?

1. Write a letter. You can write referring to a real mother. Tell us in a letter about your anger, resentment, disappointment. Share what you would like your relationship with your parent to be like. Give thanks for what you received in your relationship with her. There is no need to send a letter.

2. Make a list of “A mother should...”. Once your list is ready, replace “should” with “I would like.” And think about how you will compensate for your need if you cannot satisfy it in your relationship with your mother.

Example:
My mother should always support me, attend my concerts and be proud of my achievements.
>>>
I would like my mother to support me, attend my concerts and be proud of me. This makes me feel important and valuable. If it doesn't happen, it's sad, but I'll accept it. She is who she is. To maintain my importance and value, I will seek support from close people who are able to give it to me: a partner, friends, mentors, etc.

3. Imagine the image of the mother you would like to have in your life. And then imagine that such a mother already lives inside you. It is your adult self that does everything to hear your needs and take care of you.

On behalf of such an inner mother, give yourself what your real mother could not give: support yourself in difficult moments, reward yourself for success, calm yourself when you are scared, take care of yourself when you are tired or feel bad, look at yourself with loving eyes. In reality, this is not an easy task that requires patience and effort.

Stage 2. Search for new patterns of behavior in adulthood

The type of attachment that was formed in the relationship with the mother is of great importance in adult life, but this does not mean that it remains unchanged forever. Around a person on his way to growing up there are other significant people who influence the formation of behavior patterns: father, educators, grandmothers, grandfathers, etc. All of them can compensate for the lack of maternal love.

Thanks to the plasticity of the brain, even adults can adjust their attachment style. For this, reliable relationships are important. This could be a relationship with a therapist, close friend, partner, mentor, etc.

How to find someone who will help you form a secure attachment? Here are the criteria for an emotionally mature person from Lindsey K. Gibson’s book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” that will help you:

Realism and reliability:
they work with reality rather than fight it;
they know how to think and feel at the same time;
their consistent behavior makes them reliable;
they don't take things personally.
Respect and reciprocity:
they respect your boundaries;
they contribute to relationships;
they are flexible and easy to compromise;
they are balanced;
they are ready for other people's influence;
they tell the truth;
they apologize and try to make amends.
Responsiveness:
their empathy makes them feel safe, seen and understood;
they love to console and receive comfort;
they reflect on their actions and try to change;
they know how to laugh and play;
They are a pleasure to be around.

The more characteristics from this list a person has, the more likely it is that it will be possible to establish sincere contact with him that satisfies both parties.

What will help form new behavior with your mother?

Your mother is a real person with her own views and character traits. To improve relationships with her, it is important to learn how to deal with them, and not deny or try to correct them.

Therefore, the techniques listed below are not aimed at remaking your mother and getting the person you so missed in childhood. These are tools that will help you create satisfying adult relationships.

In order to build communication with your mother in a new way, you need to focus on yourself, your condition and on managing your behavior, and not on her and her qualities.

1. Observer position. It is important to examine the relationship before changing anything. Try to observe yourself and your mother in the process of communication, as if from the outside. Notice each other's reactions, track what hurts you. Why do you think this happens? Suggest what the mother has experienced prompts her to respond this way and not otherwise.

2. Diary of feelings. This tool will help you not only express your emotions, but also explore your automatic reactions. You can keep it in free form or draw a table and in each column write down feelings, thoughts and reactions regarding each situation. It will be doubly useful if you give such a diary to a person you trust to read and ask him to speak about what he wrote.

3. Sorting topics. Based on your reactions, group the topics on which you communicate with your mother:

The green zone
is topics that you feel comfortable discussing with your parent. This is what brings you pleasure and fills you with energy.
The yellow zone
is topics that, when touched upon, you experience tension, but are able to endure it without harming yourself. Try to develop your relationship with your mother through discussing these topics. Do this carefully and gradually. For example, tell your mom that she needs to call before coming to visit you. This may be unpleasant for you, but you have the strength to cope with your own experiences and defend your position.
The red zone
is topics that are unbearable for you to talk about. If your interactions with your mother lead you into this territory, find a comfortable way out of it. This could be honestly admitting that you don't want to talk about it, moving to safer zones, or stopping the dialogue.

Act intelligently

Try to plan ahead how you will raise your child. What actions and decisions may be required of you in the future. What are you hypothetically willing to do, and what do you completely disagree with?

“The only thing that happens unexpectedly is surprises. It is unlikely that you will want to rely on chance in raising your children. I've seen parents leave things to chance—you'd better not do that again. It’s much better to approach parenting purposefully, with a specific plan of action.”

Educational systems

Today, the most common and popular are 4 educational systems (schools, methods):

Makarenko - the idea of raising a child as an independent member of society with a point of view;
Sukhomlinsky - a humane pedagogical system, within which there are no punishments;
Waldorf - subordination of the education system not to the demands of society, but to the laws of children's physical and mental development in accordance with age periodization;
Montessori is an individual approach to education, allowing each little person to develop at his own pace, through personal experience in an environment specially prepared for this.

Parents have the right to choose one of these traditional systems or find some innovative one. They can take something useful from each and combine them. Despite the different approaches to education, many principles within these concepts have something in common:

What principles of education to borrow from this or that system is up to parents to decide.

Learn to listen to your child

An extremely important and irreplaceable rule. Build a trusting relationship with your child. Try to have open dialogues on any topic and always listen to him. Your child, no less than others, needs respect and full communication on an equal basis with the adults around him.

“Communication, or lack thereof, is at the root of most intrafamily conflicts. In my office, I saw many people who shouted at each other for hours, and yet none of them even tried to listen to anything other than their own voice. If you can't communicate properly with your children, then you're just asking for trouble in the family."

Forms

To raise a child to be a full-fledged and successful person, he needs to be developed in many ways. If, for example, we place the main emphasis on occupational therapy, then moral, mental, patriotic and many other aspects will be left aside. Therefore, initially, various forms of education need to be included in classes from an early age.

Kindergarten teachers and school teachers try to use different forms of education to develop a multifaceted personality. However, each of them should be given equal attention by parents at home.

Creating the atmosphere of the game

Children sense tension between parents and other family members. Try to create a relaxed, friendly atmosphere at home. Where everyone is interesting to each other and does not cause discomfort. Exchange news, communicate in a humorous manner and be one team.

“Liking, as well as the general tone of relations between family members, can be judged by the spirit of playfulness and play present in the house. Ease and playfulness are a kind of lubricant of family life, without which its wheels and gears will turn with difficulty. When I see that there are strict, tense relationships between family members, I immediately begin to worry.”

Problems

Education in the modern, rapidly changing world encounters certain problems associated with the realities of today. They need to be taken into account by both parents and teachers. The most common difficulties encountered:

lack of free time, which limits communication between family members;
craze for gadgets, addiction to computer games and phones;
the widespread spread of the Internet, which does not always bring benefits for the fragile child’s psyche;
a large number of divorces, destruction of family values;
the power of money;
social stratification among classmates, when one half walks around with the latest iPhone model, and the second with push-button phones or without them at all.

In such conditions of modern life, it is quite difficult to raise children correctly, but it is quite possible. Each of the above problems can be solved, unless parents make a mistake in prioritizing.

A number of mistakes made by parents in the process of raising their children

Sometimes parents insist on their own, forcing them to do things that the child does not like. “Do what they ask you, otherwise your parents will stop loving you” - these words can often be heard from tortured parents when the child is stubborn and does not want to fulfill the demands of adults. According to adults, it is useless to convince a child of something and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. He still doesn't give in to persuasion.

Advice for parents from a psychologist

Let's listen to the opinion of psychologists on the words of parents “if you do not fulfill my request, then I will stop loving you.” According to experts, children take this threat very seriously.

Firstly, deception is not the best method of putting pressure on a child. And such a threat is precisely a deception.
Secondly, such a statement is unlikely to have a positive effect on your child. It's better not to deceive your child. Try replacing this threatening phrase with another, for example this one: “I will always love you, but I don’t like your behavior, it makes me very sad.”

Parental support is the most important thing for a child.
Another not very good phrase that is used with children in order to reason with them: “I’m much older than you, I’m dad (mom). It will still be as I say.” Many adults believe that being strict with the younger generation is the best option for upbringing. Parents are much older and more experienced than their children, so they are always right. If you indulge a little person, he will finally “sit on his head” and will not fulfill requests coming from adults.

What will child psychology experts say to this? When completing tasks from adults, motivation is important for children; he must know that his efforts will be properly rewarded. The little person needs to be convinced that he is not trying in vain. If you treat children too strictly, this can lead to a situation where the child will listen and fulfill your requests only in your presence. But when there is no one at home, the baby will engage in sabotage, doing everything to upset the parents. A strict attitude is of course necessary, but you shouldn’t go too far. If you don’t have time to persuade your child, promise that you will definitely reward him for his work later, if he does all the work.

Separation and its violation

As a child develops new skills, his needs change. In parallel with the process of attachment formation, there is a process of separation.

Separation is the process of separating a child from its mother and then from both parents. From the time a baby takes his first steps, it is important to support his independence.

Over time, new needs come to the fore:

in a calm reaction to persistent (stubborn) or aggressive impulses;
in encouraging independence without intimidation and threats;
in a friendly attitude towards the expression of negative emotions: anger, fear, jealousy and others;
in supporting natural curiosity and allowing one to explore the world (within reasonable limits);
in encouraging sincerity, truthfulness;
in disapproval of the false “I” (accommodation, trying to please others);
in accepting yourself as a unique person with your own needs and experiences;
in relation to oneself without prejudice, in the parental belief that the child is good as such.

When these needs are met, the child learns to be autonomous and develops self-control.

If parents hinder development in these directions - for example, they impatiently and persistently do what the child can easily do on his own - doubt arises in his ability to do something independently and rely on his own strength. And if, on the contrary, parents expect more from the child than he is capable of doing, then he develops a feeling of shame and a feeling of his own inferiority.

In adulthood, such people may lack the dedication and determination to set realistic goals and achieve them. In addition, a constant feeling of guilt can cause passivity and even impaired sexual function.

Alexandra, 32 years old:
“My mother was a very anxious person. Any initiative that ignited me was crushed by its prohibitions. A big “no” was constantly hanging over me. You can’t spend the night with friends, you can’t go to the sports section. Now I live in another city far from my parents, but I still feel the impact of these restrictions. Important steps that require determination and responsibility are not easy for me: I doubt a lot, and then my conscience also torments me. It’s hard for me to be proud of myself and enjoy success.”

Educational fairy tales. How to talk about feelings with your child

Education through fairy tales has become very popular lately. Mothers come up with fairy tales for their children depending on the situation and share them with each other on social networks. Educational fairy tales help you talk about feelings with your child, instill in him good habits, and together find a way out of difficult situations.

The ginger cat who couldn't purr

The ginger cat was a draw. Other cats hurried home in the evening to their soft cozy chairs, but this one was never in a hurry. She had no chair, no home and no owners. Of course, the red cat really wanted to have all this. But she did not even dare to dream about such a thing. The fact is that this cat did not know how to purr at all.

“I’m probably broken,” the cat thought, “or defective. No one will take me home. Every person wants to be purred. Who wants a cat that never does that?”

The cat was so embarrassed by this that she didn’t admit it to anyone. And she proudly told everyone that she lives on her own because she likes it that way.

One day a girl saw a red cat.

- Kitty Kitty Kitty! - she called. - Shall we go live with me? In my room there is a soft sofa with pillows, you will be warm and cozy there!

The cat jumped for joy, but immediately remembered her shortcoming. “As soon as she finds out that I can’t purr, she’ll immediately kick me back out onto the street,” she decided. And she answered, wagging her tail indifferently:

- No thanks! I love sleeping on a hard bench!

- Can't be! — the girl didn’t believe it. - Come on, let's go! I have chicken pate in the refrigerator! Very tasty! I'll treat you!

- No thanks! - said the cat, licking her lips. - I don't need any refrigerator! I love to hunt!

But the girl still didn’t believe her.

- I will stroke your back and scratch you behind your ear! - she promised.

No one has ever petted a ginger cat.

- Iron? - she was surprised. - How is it?

- That's it! — the girl took the cat in her arms and gently ran her hand along the back. And then something happened to the cat. It seemed to her that a little motor started up inside her.

- How wonderfully you purr! - said the girl. “Purring? I? — the cat was surprised. “I’m purring!” And then she hugged the girl by the neck:

- I really want to live with you! - said the cat. - You will stroke me, and I will purr for you!

How to form new behavior with other people

To make your relationship with your mother more reliable, you should develop the following skills:

The ability to ask for help and accept support. Asking for help is often perceived as a gesture of weakness, a demonstration of vulnerability. But it is precisely this skill that helps build trusting relationships, get rid of unnecessary emotional burden and become stronger. The important thing here is to be honest, speak directly and remember that your interlocutor has the right to refuse.

The ability to be yourself regardless of whether others accept you. This implies that you are not shy about expressing your feelings and sharing your opinions. Don’t rush to do this everywhere and with everyone. To begin, choose one person you trust most and expose yourself step by step, no matter the risk. Then expand your circle of trusted people, based on your own readiness.

Remember, you have the right to change your mind, not take responsibility for the problems of others, set your own priorities, make mistakes, admit them openly and just be yourself. You can adapt to others and make compromises, but only when you want to, and not when you feel like you have to.

Ability to build and maintain emotional connections. Helping those who seek it, interest in the opinions and experiences of others, gratitude, understanding that in a relationship it is more important to be yourself than to be ideal - all this contributes to the establishment of good relationships.

Self-care. The ability to notice what takes your energy and what replenishes it is a great tool that will help you in your relationships with other people. Your physical condition will tell you whether to increase the distance in a relationship or, conversely, shorten it.