Peculiarities of relationships between children and parents in the family. consultation

The basis for the psychological well-being of children is harmoniously built relationships between all family members. With frequent discord and conflicts, children suffer, are humiliated, or, on the contrary, a certain privileged position is created for them. At the same time, the development of psychosomatic reactions in a child is inevitable, when unfavorable psychological factors manifest themselves as physiological symptoms.

Therefore, it is very important, if any problems arise in the family, not to wait until everything settles down on its own, but to contact a family psychologist for proper correction. But before things go too far, the relationship between parents and children can be improved by using the tips from this article.

An important factor in building relationships between parents and children is the upbringing scenario. The behavior model of a parent of the same sex is learned from early childhood and subconsciously duplicated. And in the future, creating his own family, he will definitely sublimate this model into his relationships.

In this case, the child often transfers not only the behavior model, but also the parenting style, as well as the complete family scenario. This is psychology, it happens unconsciously.

Script to repeat

Regardless of the family scenario, the child perceives and puts aside the model of behavior of each parent individually at the subconscious level as the only possible, natural, normal one. This happens even if this model is far from ideal.

This is why adults, when creating their own families, repeat the behavior of a parent of the same sex, even if this behavior was immoral. Yes, a person realizes that it is unacceptable to behave this way, but he simply does not know how to do it differently. No one taught him that he can quite successfully get out of conflict situations, how to be a good spouse and parent. He learned from the example of his parents. Examples from other families may differ; they exist, but are not significant.

For example, when she was little, the girl wanted to not be like her mother as an adult, to behave completely differently. This happens if the mother’s model of behavior is not a worthy example to follow. But as an adult, the girl will definitely find a life partner who is in many ways similar to her father. At first she will resist herself. But she will gradually begin to behave as her mother once did. She simply does not know any other relationship scenario and unconsciously transfers the example she knows to her own family.

The parent family scenario option for the child is a priority. It is deposited at the subconscious level as the only correct way of behavior, communication, stereotype, tradition.

It is noteworthy that in dysfunctional families, where children were treated with disdain, with insults and even beatings, adults do not always grow up with the same attitude towards their own children. If there was a positive example of behavior in a child’s life (for example, a family of friends), sometimes he will raise his own offspring in direct opposition to his parents.

How to improve your relationship with your child?

• Be in love! Love has never hurt anyone. Connivance and indifference - yes, they have a detrimental effect. But true love is always useful and favorable for the development and maintenance of warm relationships between parents and children.
• Be able to constructively resist the child’s rudeness and aggression, that is, do not immediately respond to conflict (do not create a “wall-to-wall” situation), do not use physical punishment, but be able to recognize in time the child’s serious feelings behind such attacks. If you can recognize them, then it will be much easier to understand your child and establish contact with him.
• More often tell your child phrases that reflect his capabilities. “You can”, “You can do it”, “You can do it.” “I can” is the position of an adult who is aware of his strengths, abilities and capabilities. By using such phrases, you instill in your child independence and the ability to adequately evaluate himself, and also demonstrate your faith in his personality.
• Instead of direct instructions, it is better to use more friendly phrases. That is, take a position of cooperation. For example: “Let’s tidy up our things,” “Try again.”
• Develop your listening skills so you can better understand your children.
• At any age, it is important to see a person as a child. You can't underestimate him. Children develop faster than us and master many more skills. This is already worthy of praise!
• Remember yourself more often at the age your children are now. You will probably feel similar desires and feelings to them.
• Be sincerely interested in your child's life. Ask questions and pay attention when you listen to him. This should not feel like an interrogation or casual communication. This principle must be observed at all times. Formulate open-ended questions; they stimulate communication. For example: “How was your day?” or “What are you planning to do this weekend?”
• Don't compare your child with other children. Only comparisons with your former self are useful. For example: “Remember yourself six months ago. You couldn’t do it then... but now you’re doing great!”
• Tell us about yourself, give examples from your personal life and your childhood, share your memories and emotions. This will help establish a more trusting relationship with the child.
• Make sure that your family has traditions that need to be observed. They should be aimed at some joint activities. For example, everyone should have dinner together. Or some holiday is always celebrated by the whole family at home. Or on some specific day of the year you spend leisure time together (attend an event or have a picnic in nature).

Create conditions for your child to trust you, love him and let him love you, and then he will be eager to thank you and want to go where you direct him.

Family is the first stage of development

The behavior of parents directly affects the life of the child and his behavior pattern in his own family. It is very important for parents to realize how appropriate the claims, punishments or rewards presented are. This way you can build harmonious relationships.

Parents naturally have the greatest influence on the children in the family. Their upbringing prevails over upbringing in children's institutions. And this directly affects how the personality is formed. In psychology, there are several parenting styles, which we will dwell on in more detail.

The concept of "parental relationship"

The relationship between parents is an example for a small family member, so they must develop and improve. The foundations of personality are laid before the age of seven. Then it will be possible to change anything with the help of professionals, but this takes more time, effort, and energy.

The psychology of parent-child relationships includes:

• joint activities;
• communication;
• the influence of children on the relationship between parents;
• the influence of parents on the formation of the child’s personality.

Relationships can be successful and dysfunctional. The first case is that children are respected, trusted, and their opinions are taken into account. The second is a lack of mutual respect, understanding, and trust.

There are several types of relationships:

• cooperation that takes into account the needs of each family member;
• competition, where everyone strives to take a leading position, thereby depriving other members of attention, the goal is to fulfill needs by any means;
• confrontation - the desire to dominate, to prove one’s importance to the detriment of the interests of other family members;
• alliance - involves the receipt of benefits by all people included in the cell;
• antagonistic relationships - rejection of the opinions, desires, needs of another person, regardless of his status in the family.

Psychoanalysis was the first scientific direction that became interested in parent-child relationships and revealed the degree of influence of upbringing on a person.

The educational positions of adults are the main factor shaping the personal qualities, character, and emotional background of the pupil. Educational positions are:

1. Optimal, meeting the requirements of adequacy, the ability of parents to see the needs of the child, the organization of his mental world, and predict age-related changes associated with needs. Parental flexibility is the ability to restructure one’s own behavior in order to find an approach that will predictably influence the pupil’s actions.
2. Suboptimal. Manifestations of flexibility are lost, behavior is unchanged, does not take into account the changing situation, living conditions, and age. Lack of awareness of the individual’s needs, inadequate assessment of the psychological state, inability to anticipate behavior, and act proactively.

Educational positions can be corrected, but this requires careful attention to professional advice, practical application, analysis of personal behavior, statements, and demands made on children.

Parenting styles

Authoritarianism

With an authoritarian style, all the wishes of the parents are the law, they must be fulfilled unquestioningly. But the child is suppressed, and adults don’t even suspect it. Parents demand obedience, but do not even try to explain the reason for their behavior. And it is not always appropriate for her to have strict control over his hobbies and interests. As a result, the child grows up withdrawn, there is no contact with his parents, he is unsure of himself and has a complex. Not every child tries to defend his interests by deciding on direct conflict.

Approaches to education

Each family has its own educational system. It is based on creating harmony between its members. In psychology, there are several main approaches to education, including: non-interference , dictatorship , cooperation and guardianship .

With a dictatorial style of behavior, the child’s dignity and independence are oppressed. Such requirements can be made only when necessary, but not constantly. Otherwise, self-esteem decreases and a fear of expressing one’s opinion develops. Such children grow up hypocritical, complex, do not want to take initiative, and are easy to control, which is not a positive quality in adult life.

Consequences of different approaches

With the democratic method it is possible to establish harmonious relationships in the family. The child grows up to be an independent, responsible, active person. His behavior is flexible, demands are explained, actions are analyzed. Power is only appropriate when necessary. Obedience is encouraged, as is the baby's independence. It is important to establish a clear line - the child’s opinion is listened to, but not based on it.

Other types of behavior are variants of deviations from the norm. With the authoritarian type, alienation occurs, parents are insignificant for children, they feel unwanted. In case of unreasonable demands, the response is aggression and protest, or vice versa, apathy and passivity. With a liberal type of upbringing, the child feels permissive, does not think about the consequences of his actions, and as a result, growing up, does not know how to achieve his goals.

Despite the negative consequences, the most common type of parenting is authoritarianism. This is dictated by the experience of previous generations. Despite the fact that parents understand and remember all the difficulties of this approach, they still try to build the same relationships in their own family. Strength and authority are perceived as the fastest and most accessible way to solve problems and conflicts.

When raising a small child, this approach does not meet with possible protests. But during adolescence, a teenager tries to resist, and conflicts and disagreements constantly arise on this basis. And this is the parents' fault. Therefore, it is very important to choose the most optimal method of education from an early age, since it is almost impossible to change it in the future.

Features of education at the present time

A person's personality is formed in the family. If you don’t take part in raising a child, your closest friends and acquaintances become, and following their example is not always a good idea. You cannot dominate a child by suppressing his will, interests and desires. Often in the modern world, adults try to involve strangers in the educational process. This happens due to circumstances (busyness, work, lack of experience and desire to acquire it).

If they resort to the services of a nanny, the child does not receive the right amount of love and care. You can leave your baby with your grandparents, but only for a short time. This change of scenery is beneficial.

But do not allow the baby to be constantly outside the home. It is important to know for yourself what is invested in the child, and not trust it to other people.

Parental responsibility also deserves special attention. Often a child grows up left to his own devices. Parents are confident that he can receive the necessary education in kindergarten and school. And their duties are only to check the diary. This is a big misconception. The family is the original source of education. You need to remember this. It is important to participate in the lives of children, regardless of age, to know about their interests and hobbies, where they spend their free time, and who they are friends with.

When demands are presented calmly and without violence, children usually listen. Mutual respect is the key to properly building harmonious relationships.

The main reasons for children's disobedience

Serious behavioral problems in children are the result of a mental disorder that could arise due to one of the following reasons:

Fight for attention.

In modern society, where adults spend an impressive amount of time at work, children try by any means to “get” their parents’ free minutes. Kids don't understand that mom and dad are tired during the day. The child tries to attract attention with good deeds, but often no one responds to such actions. The only option that arises in the young mind is disobedience or prank, after which the parents will definitely devote free time to raising their offspring.

The desire for self-sufficiency.

Children create scandals, refuse to obey and promote “revolutionary” sentiments for one reason - the desire to get rid of overprotection. Parents pay excessive attention to the baby, who is trying to show independence, so “prank” becomes an appropriate solution for the offspring. In accordance with young thinking, mom and dad must understand the scale of the child's indignation, who is ready to go even to extreme measures. “Father’s favorite watch, who forbade me to meet with friends? Punish me, but I won’t accept your opinion,” the reasoning of the “rebellious” fidget.

Revenge.

Childhood grievances that a child harbors throughout his life are a powerful argument for a teenager who decides to respond to his parents with the same “coin.” If the child was not allowed to communicate with peers, then he will disappear without permission for a long time in an unfamiliar company. The child’s actions belong to the “contrary” relationship format, where any action of the parents is perceived as wrong.

Loss of faith.

Regular criticism and endless prohibitions, an immense sense of guilt and lack of mutual understanding with parents are the reasons for the formation of low self-esteem in the child’s mind. The kid, in whose success no one initially believes, despairs and decides to take the events taking place more simply. Apathy towards communication with peers and loss of parental authority, panic attacks and lack of desire for self-improvement are the result of the insensitive attitude of the mother and father towards the offspring.

Implementation.

“Rebellion” against parental views is a prerequisite for changing one’s own lifestyle, with which the young fidget is dissatisfied. Was the kid forced to enter the Suvorov Military School? Did adults force you to learn to play the violin? Spouse imposition? Did the choice of professional activity take place without the participation of the offspring? A rebellion will definitely arise in the young mind - the only question is the scale of children's patience, which will one day end.

To identify the prerequisites for disobedience in your own offspring, it is important to pay attention to the feelings that arise in parents after the child’s pranks. If you feel anger inside, then the child will try to escape from overprotection. If you experience a state of emptiness and endless loneliness, then the reason is that your baby is overcome by depressive thoughts. If you are annoyed by the actions of a child, then he consciously draws attention to himself. If, after the next “antics” of the young fidget, you are overcome by resentment, then the baby takes revenge, wanting to specifically harm mom and dad.