The Western world is in awe of cold-blooded sociopaths, and in the domestic hit parade of anti-heroes with mental problems, the narcissist is still confidently in the lead. Most often, this is a narcissistic mother, because of whom the child’s whole life then went downhill, or a lover (much less often, a beloved), who was lured by the brilliance of her charisma, and then morally gutted and left with nothing. What kind of disorder is this, how does it arise and is it as destructive for others as it is described?
No performances! Don't play a part in a narcissistic play.
Narcissists are true experts at dramatic performances. They have a real talent for first causing conflict and then retreating into the shadows and observing it as if they had nothing to do with what was happening.
A typical example: a narcissistic mother caused hostility and rivalry between sisters. She tried to push her daughters against each other, slandering each other. When the son did not want to choose a side in the conflict and drew his mother’s attention to her manipulations, she denied everything. The mother angrily stated that she had done nothing wrong and had nothing to do with her daughters’ quarrel. And to top it all off, she was offended by her son for being suspected of such a “terrible” act. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into such games.
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Ignoring
Are you really tired of your arrogant friend? How to punish a narcissist? The best way to do this is to ignore the person. Narcissists love to communicate and talk about themselves. If you do not allow a person to talk to you, this will become a true punishment for the person. Egoists live by ingratiating their pride at the expense of those around them. They simply need to hear compliments about their person and constantly seek confirmation of their uniqueness and talent. If you ignore a person, he will soon realize that he has done something wrong and will try to make amends. Narcissists are not such bad people when they put aside thoughts about themselves and start caring about someone else. True, such attacks of complacency happen to them very rarely. Therefore, do not expect that after a person endures his punishment with dignity, he will change. The arrogance and selfishness of a narcissist will not go away, this must be understood.
Don't doubt yourself
Don't make excuses for the narcissist. They want to make you doubt yourself and your perceptions. This is one of the most insidious narcissistic tactics: gaslighting.
In its most simplified form, gaslighting looks like this. A narcissistic person commits a selfish act, and you tell him about it. The narcissist turns what happened on its head, and now it looks as if you are the selfish one.
Narcissists are masters at bending reality so that they appear to be the hero and you appear to be the villain. Don't let yourself be confused.
Show the person the limits of what is permitted
Want to understand how to communicate with narcissistic people? You need to learn to show them the boundaries of what is permitted. Some selfish people, when meeting you, will immediately look for the boundaries of what is permitted. Don't let people cross the line and talk about themselves all the time. If you don't want to listen to something, just say so. Do not flatter a person even if the person asks for it. Already when you meet, you must set boundaries and boundaries that your interlocutor should see. The narcissist may try to cross the boundaries again, but if he receives a rebuff, he will no longer practice his standard way of behavior with you. Be reasonable and immediately show the person the communication style that is most acceptable to you.
Don't believe their stories
Narcissists are excellent liars. The secret of their success is that they do not feel guilt as acutely as other people. When a narcissist shares negative things (especially about another person) and it upsets and upsets you, take a deep breath. Most likely, what was said will not be true. Manipulators often convey to you words that other people allegedly say behind your back. Phrases: “Everyone started talking about you, but I didn’t listen to them” or “Your friend advised me not to trust you” should alert you. Check the veracity of these statements before you allow yourself to be drawn into conflict and showdowns.
Shame and devaluation
Why is this happening? Neuroscience on this topic has not yet offered a clear explanation (except for individual studies indicating a lack of gray matter in the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and emotional regulation), and psychoanalysts who have most deeply developed the topic believed that this type of personality is formed due to inadequate acute reaction to a feeling of shame: the worst thing is when people around you think
you are bad, and the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is the public unveiling of his apparent perfection and the discovery of his true insignificance (and everything that is not ideal is perceived by him as insignificant). There is a widespread belief that the easiest way to raise a child to be a narcissist is by constantly pampering him and inappropriately appreciating his talents, but the observations of many psychologists testify to the effectiveness of the combination of “exuberant praise for meeting high standards” plus “rejection for everything that parents consider bad behavior ( especially if this behavior is, in general, natural for a child, for example, pranks).” Then the baby quickly learns that he is good when he seems good, and no one needs him when he simply is himself, with his weaknesses and shortcomings.
Narcissists, on the one hand, willingly devalue other people’s achievements in order to protect themselves from comparisons that are not in their favor, but on the other hand, their own merits are also always not enough for them. Therefore, their apparent complacency is a soap bubble (this is worth keeping in mind more so as not to get angry at such behavior, and not in order to hit narcissists where it hurts: they are capable of a lot in protecting their ideal “I”).
Due to his specificity, the narcissist is incapable of truly close relationships: he perceives his partner as a mirror to reflect himself (more precisely, his best sides). Therefore, novels often begin with idealization (“What a delightful trophy that will emphasize my uniqueness!”), and end with disappointment and an attempt to change the partner to suit one’s growing needs, without really taking into account the boundaries of his personality. Actually, this is where so many unhappy love stories come from. On the other hand, it is worth remembering that it is also not easy for the narcissist himself: it is impossible to relax and show oneself to mere mortals, even with a spouse.
Olga Gumanova, psychologist:
“It’s easier for other severe neurotics to survive next to such a person, but for others it’s difficult, it’s too cold. Narcissists love to form alliances with schizoids - in such a pair, the extroverted and sociable narcissist can be responsible for relations with the outside world, and the schizoid maintains his own world and the common world of the couple, about which he can fantasize a lot, but he feels good in it. He keeps in silence the image of Narcissus the Magnificent."
Children of narcissists experience increased psychological stress and often grow up with trauma. Typically, narcissistic parents give birth to children not out of love for children, but as another proof of their success and wealth in life. In addition, as in the case of equal partners, such mothers and fathers have a poor sense of personal boundaries and perceive the baby as an extension of themselves, trying to correct his real and apparent shortcomings by any means.
Olga Gumanova:
“Children from narcissistic families may consciously or unconsciously seek out the same narcissistic partners, cling to them, become dependent on them, try to overcome their coldness, indifference and contempt, and earn love. Where they are rejected, where they are neglected, that’s where they are drawn.”
Don't try to beat the narcissist
The worst thing you can do is try to beat the narcissist on his field. Don't brag, don't be complacent, don't be proud of yourself, don't try to look better than you are.
Narcissists are the kings of self-aggrandizement. If you try to compete with them, you will lose. This doesn't mean you should look like a drooping flower or bend over as low as possible when the daffodil is around. Develop healthy self-esteem and try to behave as naturally as possible.
Signs of narcissism in a man
Experts believe that increased self-love is the least of the evils. First of all, you should be wary of people who are unable to experience normal human emotions. They are characterized by complete indifference to other people, to the satisfaction of their emotional and physical needs. It is worth mentioning violations in the picture of the world, as a result of which people are not able to build normal relationships with another person.
It is impossible to completely get rid of narcissism, since it is considered a common mental disorder.
- Love of conversation.
The most important thing is that only a man’s opinion is the only thing that matters. He doesn't care about other people. Communication in this case is a one-man show, where the main character is the narcissist himself. It can be noted that in the process of communication, a man actively uses gestures, tries to speak loudly, and madly adores his person. A man is able to easily come into contact with strangers in order to demonstrate his own intelligence, greatness and uniqueness. He loves high-flown style. - Appearance and social status
are considered the main values for a narcissist. He loves a non-trivial style of clothing, most often bright colors. He wants to be attractive in order to attract the attention of the public, to receive compliments, to feel how his self-esteem increases. The most important thing is physical attractiveness, not only your own, but also that of your chosen one. He is quite capable of spending the whole day in a store, choosing his clothes. - any criticism
of themselves. In no case should you condemn a man, since “he is the best, he knows everything that is possible.” Of course, the narcissist himself is capable of feeling envy of other people, especially if they have achieved something that he himself could not achieve. - Paying too much attention to your own health.
From the mouth of a man you can hear demands to adhere only to the correct diet, to take microelements and vitamins necessary for health. At the same time, doctors’ recommendations will be followed with special care. At the same time, he absolutely does not care about the health of his loved ones. Only his own deserves respect. - Dislikes children and elderly people.
The most important thing for a narcissist is to be the center of attention. He is not at all happy when others try to get his own privilege. The narcissist will talk a lot about the need to help children and the elderly, but these will only be words, without any action. A man himself wants to be taken care of. - Lack of ability to experience emotional intimacy.
A man believes that he is always in charge in a relationship. Only his experiences and words have meaning. He won't want to hear about the girl's problems. The narcissist will do everything possible to make the world revolve only around him. Therefore, you need to think only about your own psychological comfort. - The presence of leniency when communicating with loved ones and relatives.
It is worth mentioning that the narcissist's self-esteem is very low in any case. Only in relationships with other people can he try to overestimate her. He likes to hide his weaknesses by pointing out the shortcomings of other people. From time to time it may seem that the narcissist has improved and started treating family members well, but this is only an illusion. He doesn't want other people to feel better than he does. - Boundless and impeccable correctness in all respects.
Narcissists love to argue, but they are not going to listen to the arguments expressed by their opponent. He allegedly does not “hear” what is said to him. Only his opinion is considered the only correct one. In this case, all responsibility for conflict situations will be assigned to the loved one.
Keep your distance
If you are married to a narcissist and have children, evaluate the impact that emotional abuse has on the children. If you can't leave and are forced to stay in the relationship, maintain your distance.
Spend as much time as possible separately to regain peace of mind and contact with reality.
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Introspection. Friend or foe?
Think about the circle of people who support you. Who is included in it? Identify those who distanced themselves or turned away from you due to slander - these people showed their true colors. Also note who stayed on your side. These are your real friends. If your entire support circle has fallen apart, start looking for potential sources to create a new one. Connect with support groups, domestic violence centers, counseling, and explore social networking sites (such as Meetup.com).
Ignore narcissists - this “secret weapon” will really get them!
Narcissists thrive when they cause other people to react emotionally. They gain power over you as soon as you lose control of yourself.
When a narcissist goes on the attack, the most effective way to deal with the attack is to simply ignore it. This is difficult, since narcissists intuitively find your “pain” points and know how to put pressure on them.
Deep breathing and stress reduction techniques will help you keep your cool. Self-awareness techniques, meditation and yoga will teach you not to react to the antics of a narcissist.
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- about the author
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Andrey Petrakov
This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
Latest materials: (See all)
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How to stop training
You will be able to resist being coached if you learn to confront your fear of achievement, and this requires regular repetition of targeted actions - without subsequent punishment by the narcissist. Make a list of your past successes, accomplishments, happy moments, and any other sources of joy that have been ruined by the narcissist. Describe how he harmed you, how it made you feel, and what the consequences of this sabotage were. Then consider how to reconnect with these sources of pleasure and pride without the narcissist's interference. Here are some examples:
- if your narcissistic friend constantly ruined your dream career, think about how you can still achieve this goal; - if your toxic parent always ruins your birthdays, get into the habit of inviting only friends and those relatives who will happily share this special day with you; - do not tell narcissists about upcoming happy events and recent successes; — celebrate your achievements more often by organizing holidays and meetings without the presence of a toxic person.
Train yourself to associate a healthy sense of pride and excitement with your passions, hobbies, interests, aspirations and achievements that the narcissist has suppressed. You deserve all the joy from your accomplishments. Don't let pathological envy steal what is rightfully yours.
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