– Why did you divorce your husband?
- According to religious views.
He didn't want to admit that I was a goddess. About narcissistic women, their strengths and weaknesses and methods of correct behavior with the “queens of the world” - in our material.
A discreet clothing style, perfect manicure, proud posture and an arrogant look - a narcissist woman can be seen from afar.
She looks with contempt at people who, in her opinion, are not successful or rich enough. Men feel the energy of contempt and avoid such ladies.
No one even realizes that behind the outer shell is hidden a vulnerable girl, an excellent student, who is waiting for approval from her parents.
Yes, a narcissistic girl knows how to hide her weaknesses. But we will still try to expose her and reveal the deep secrets of her personality.
Show what is hidden..
What associations does the word “narcissist” evoke in you? Who is this girl who spends hours admiring her reflection in the mirror and is completely unable to love anyone other than herself?
In reality, everything is much more complicated. Yes, a narcissist is a woman who values herself highly, but also evaluates herself very harshly.
She does not give herself the right to make mistakes and tries to live up to the ideal in everything, and to complete the assigned tasks with “A plus two pluses.”
What does ideal mean to her? This is an image of how to look, live, love and raise children correctly.
What is the reason? This behavior is influenced by the environment, religious beliefs and moral principles that she adopted from her parents.
If she fails to live up to this image 100%, she severely punishes herself.
This means that she is the same as all these “worthless little people” with their weaknesses and shortcomings.
A narcissistic woman simply cannot allow this to happen. She should be an example in everything. Otherwise, why love her?..
About narcissists, poor people and general toxicity
Last year I decided to write about my experience of a relationship with a narcissist* when I was a naive Turgenev young lady. As it turns out, narcissists are a hot topic, and my memoirs have excited thousands of women in Russia, the CIS, Europe, Africa, America, Australia and Oceania. The degree of emotional dependence of women in dysfunctional relationships is simply amazing.
Yaroslavna's global cry
Until now, several times a week, ladies from all over the world find me on social networks, dump multi-page stories on me about Vera Pavlovna’s fourth dream, ask me to help them find out “if he is a narcissist,” and if so, which one - grandiose or perverted, how to properly care for him, what to do if he has gone deep underground and does not give out call signs (it seems like we should be happy, no?) and even “how to get the narcissist back.” What can I say, poor things.
One American woman read my articles through Google Translate (which generally translates well, but in some places ignores some tiny particle “not” or a tiny personal pronoun, as a result of which phrases take on a meaning opposite to the author’s intention), and then wrote to me long, heartfelt letters about exactly where I was wrong.
Let's start with the fact that I am not a psychologist and I have no right to give advice in every particular case of Ira, Anya or Zhenya. But I want to say this.
Why are “toxicity” and “narcissism” destructive?
Lovely girls. Please forget the words "toxic" and "narcissist". Get them out of your head. These are bad words, and you don’t need to litter your brains and vocabulary with them. The electrification of the entire country and merciless psychological cultural education have led to the fact that any problem in relationships (in the family, at work, with friends) is now officially declared “toxic.”
Parents, bosses, colleagues, girlfriends, random fellow travelers, auto mechanics and plumbers and, of course, the men with whom we are in relationships have become toxic. Moreover. If a man does not behave the way a woman who has looked at Instagram would like, then he is undoubtedly a fatal narcissist, insidiously destroying poor naive women.
Pardon my street French. You ******* (deceived). Cruel, yes. But it’s better for you to learn the truth from me now than in 20 years, looking for a cozy place on the heating main. It’s quite possible to get there if you follow Lyuba’s path, which I’ll talk about below.
15-20 years ago the topic of “energy vampires” was in vogue; now all sorts of gurus and coaches have saddled themselves with the topic of toxicity and teach their clients to “protect themselves from toxins,” “set boundaries,” and “resist manipulation.” Overall, the idea is good, but it’s not about narcissists or toxicity. We ourselves need boundaries, self-respect and self-esteem, and then abuse, manipulators and toxins will magically disappear from our world.
Alice, don't eat this!
Imagine that you are poisoned by poisonous mushrooms. You feel bad, all the symptoms of poisoning are evident, you have vomiting, diarrhea, chills, sticky sweat, tremors, dilated pupils and almost death agony.
Instead of seeing a doctor as soon as possible, you go to the Internet, find your fellow sufferers there and start discussing the consistency of the vomit and the sound of diarrhea.
Time passes, you get worse, but you, like a real researcher, continue your hard work.
You have already become familiar with the classification, families, types and subspecies of poisonous mushrooms. You can list all the characteristics of each of them by heart. You read the stories of other people whose passion for fly agarics and toadstools led to all sorts of mental and physical injuries, and even death.
But you don’t give up and continue your journey through the enchanted forest to be sure to learn all the ways to prepare mushrooms and exchange recipes with your friends on how best to salt, pickle, dry, fry and steam them.
It’s the same with narcissists and “daffodils”: it’s so nice to declare a man like “an ordinary redneck pike perch” to be some kind of complex, malicious narcissist who was disliked in childhood and now he comes up with multi-steps, “tests the feelings” of his tremulous woman, etc., etc.
Your new girlfriends, in response to each of your stories, will joyfully beat themselves in their helmets with shovels, screaming “nartz”, “bastard”, “sadyuga” and send you consoling buns: “What a goat, eh!” And this can last for years.
When the topics dry up, playful hands go to Google, look for articles about “nartsy”, read, see something different in each article (sometimes diametrically opposed to the meaning intended by the author), and continue Svetlana’s worthy path
Who is to blame and what to do?
If you REALLY want to get rid of this addiction, then you need to stop eating poisonous mushrooms, throw the infection in the trash and seek professional help.
And stop being a “poor thing” and a “victim”. This role not only spoils your past and poisons your present. It determines your future, as well as the life and future of your children.
Who is to blame doesn’t matter now, you’ll figure it out over time.
What to do?
One thing is absolutely certain - do not sit for years on chicken forums and groups, pouring from empty to empty all these pitiful stories about “nartz”, “sadyuga”, “tox”, “psychopath”, “abusive manipulative pig” and receiving virtual hearts and hugs as a sign of support.
To an unfed scarecrow
The poor baby was tortured!
You can help yourself like a sensible adult.
If a situation arises that threatens your health and life, then delaying death is literally like the word. It is necessary to think over a plan of action and escape, run away.
Cool material from “Medusa”** with login passwords to help you
You have become a victim of domestic violence. What to do? Instructions from a lawyer
If your situation looks like “he either writes or doesn’t write, disappeared for two months, I burst into tears, monitored his online status on social networks day and night, then he wrote again, I jumped to the ceiling, put on my best immediately, he arrived, I surrendered to him in the kitchen at the sink, and he wiped his dick on the curtain, disappeared again and blocked me everywhere” - then this is your place to read about predatory cakes.
Predatory cake is a half-term, half-meme, its author is psychologist Marina Komissarova aka Evolution. This is an accurate and witty analogy with food - “I didn’t want to eat this cake, but I couldn’t stand it and ate it, and, of course, it’s his fault.”
Girls, sorry, he is not a narcissist. It's just that you don't respect yourself.
In order not to slip into controversial rhetoric a la Regina Todorenko “What did you do so that they wouldn’t beat you,” I would like to emphasize that when it comes to any kind of violence, as they say, “cut without waiting for peritonitis.” That is, to run, to escape. Without hesitation and without giving any “second chances”. It will only get worse.
In those cases when it seems to us that we are being used, manipulated, toxic, gaslighted and abused, when we are not particularly needed (oh, how difficult it is to admit this even to myself! psychodefenses are not asleep), but we like to console ourselves with hope ! We regard every random sign of attention or message once a week “Hello, how are you” as a burning passion and desire to live with us happily ever after and die on the same day. And he just poked his stick out of boredom, as in that joke - are you alive?
He slept, disappeared, appeared again - this is not a matter of narcissism at all. In such a situation, it would become clear to me that this man simply does not need me, and it is better for me to throw him out of my head and go my own way. He behaves with me according to his upbringing and moral standards. If I’m an easy prey and I allow him to treat me like this, happily agree to the crumbs from his table and then wait six months for the next offer for a quickie – what does narcissism have to do with it? What is the toxicity in this? It’s just me behaving like a rug on which people wipe their feet.
If this is your case (both with cakes and with men), then understanding the concept of personal boundaries, locus of control, as well as understanding the degree of your responsibility for the actions you commit will greatly help you.
Let's face it - it wasn't the cake that jumped on you and crawled into your esophagus, and it wasn't the man who disappeared into the fog who abused you by ignoring you. In fact, everything is completely different (no matter how difficult it may be to admit it even to yourself).
Read “signs of abuse” on the Internet. These are always signs of a plus partner. Ignores your requests, responds rudely, forgets to congratulate you, is late, inattentive, finds fault with words, makes fun of you, wants to make you look stupid, flirts with others in front of you, does not offer anything serious. All signs of an “abuser” describe a man who is indifferent or even annoyed by stickiness girls.
Maybe he denies this to her direct question, but not because he is a gaslighter, but because he is ashamed and feels sorry for her. And if he admits that he doesn’t need her, the girl also considers this an abuse. Such girls collect all rude words, all offensive actions into an anti-box, and then, hoba, they turn the anti-box into a box with one movement of the hand by opening a book or website about abusers.
The man remained the same bastard as he was, but she suddenly turned from an unnecessary aunt into a very necessary one, who was abused in order to suppress her will and appropriate her, in order to devour her like a cannibal, in order to rape her.
Violence is a hundred times more pleasant than indifference when it comes to someone you really like.
It’s such a relief, such bright sunlight in the window - to know that you are valuable, significant, important, and the man didn’t want to give a damn about you, but was simply an ABUSER.
Why is “regressive evolution” harmful?
I am aware that in the era of body positivity and “global toxicity” the concept of an internal locus, as well as the idea of responsibility for one’s actions, is unlikely to resonate with the broad masses.
Humanity has suddenly slipped into the stage of an infantile doll who “doesn’t want to decide anything,” but wants “hands and a new dress.”
Yes, solving problems is difficult, energy-consuming and sometimes painful.
It’s better to forget about your dignity, “give another chance” to an abusive partner, so that he “takes you into his arms” and buys a new dress.
Until the next kick, from which you will fly even further and take even longer to get to your feet.
Two analogies immediately come to mind: an ostrich burying its head in the sand, and mice gnawing on a cactus, crying, but continuing to gnaw at it.
If you really want to end this relationship, find your footing and change the pattern, only a good psychologist can help. In severe cases, a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. If you have prolonged depression, thoughts of suicide, you want to lie face down against the wall and have no strength to get up, you are in pain, bad and scared - read literature and work with a psychologist. The same is true in cases where several years have passed and you are still stewing in past relationships and following his life on social networks, etc.
What do I mean by “quality literature” on this topic?
Not accusatory articles about psychopaths, intended for infantiles and encouraging affectionate stroking of their Ego (they offended me, honey).
Not accusations against everything and everyone, starting with the parents: that’s not how they loved. Do you know why this is harmful rhetoric? imperative with childhood psychotraumas - in therapy with a psychologist.
I saw a group on Facebook called “toxic parents” and even several of my friends are in it. 
I believe that blaming our parents for all our current troubles is fundamentally wrong; this is a dead-end path for the simple reason that no matter what happened in our childhood, now we are adults and can help ourselves . By dwelling on those grievances, we continue to go in circles.
What to read?
Psychologist Yulia Pirumova writes very coolly about narcissists and imbalances in relationships in general. I recommend subscribing to her on FB, she has a lot of useful things, written easily, banterfully, with humor in an ironic manner, and reading her is as useful as it is fun. All her books are here. Julia has a book “Fragile People”, dedicated to narcissists and those who did not have time to hide and were nearby.
Lara Gull writes wisely and delicately about relationships. You can write her a letter, explain your situation, and if she finds the letter interesting, she will comment.
Regarding the above-mentioned Evolution, I recommend reading it in doses; unfortunately, in the last couple of years it has fallen into some kind of jungle, but in general its “Field Theory” is very cool and working. I applied it both to my relationships, and to the stories of good friends, and even to film and literary situations - there was never a failure.
The theory of plus and minus in relationships, self-esteem, boundary imbalance, the importance of subjective and objective assessment of a partner - I would recommend reading this starting from adolescence. At least in order not to go overboard in the spirit of “my dear, what have I done to you.”
I recommend reading the letters that readers send to evolutio_lab - there she and the commentators analyze situations, sometimes you can find “your” story and see how it looks from the outside when your emotions are not involved - and this has a HUGE therapeutic effect.
I also really liked the recommendations of the male psychologist in this article. If you are going through a painful breakup right now and your palate is like a sheepskin, follow the link, in five minutes you are guaranteed to feel better.
The problem of narcissism and codependency
Human magnetism syndrome. Why do we love people who hurt us?
Sam Vaknin: Surviving Narcissus. Rescue Fantasies
“It is true that he is a chauvinist and a narcissist and that his behavior is unacceptable and repulsive. But all he needs is a little love and he'll get better. I will get him out of this unfortunate situation. I will give him this love that he lacked as a child. Then narcissism will melt, and after that we will live happily together” (quote from Vaknin’s book).
Video by Sam Vaknin in Russian
In English
Write a letter to your future self
This method also helps a lot: describe the situation in a letter, as if you were writing in an anonymous column to a psychologist. Tell your story in as much detail as you feel comfortable with, write everything from the beginning, share all your thoughts, even if it's 30 pages long. The main thing is don’t send this to anyone :))
Forget about writing for a few weeks. Do other things, load your brains to the maximum with work, communication, learning a new foreign language, a super-exciting TV series or book, whatever. By the way, the same methods help to survive a painful breakup; I once wrote about this in detail. Re-read this letter in 4-6 weeks - you will be amazed at the powerful impact the text you wrote will have on you.
During this time, you will forget what you wrote about and will look at this relationship from the perspective of a neutral person from the outside.
You will see yourself, you will see your “manipulative toxic pig” - I guarantee that this will be session-level insight from a cool psychologist.
And further. If there is a literary character or historical figure - a woman whom you admire, imagine that she is your invisible companion and adviser in difficult life situations. And listen to her advice, imagining what she would do when you don’t know what to do or are being pressured to do something you don’t feel like doing.
Restore boundaries, gain dignity and self-respect - and that's it, you're saved
If Lyuba, the heroine of a fresh batch of trash from “toxic parents,” had such a role model in her head, she probably would have kept her from turning into a rug on which they wipe their feet. After reading the story, you will see that Lyuba’s problem is the usual inability to say “no” when some unknown *** from the mountain burdens her with his problems at night. It’s not even about love or relationships, it’s just some pathetic nonsense, for some reason equipped with a clickbait headline about love for a narcissist. If the story is not fiction from beginning to end, one can only sympathize with Lyuba, who puts the interests of the first person she meets above her own for some unknown reason.
Marie Curie, Coco, Eleanor Roosevelt, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi, Frida Kahlo, Maya Plisetskaya, Oprah Winfrey, or even Jane Eyre, Consuelo, Elizabeth Bennett, Scarlett, Mary Boleyn - choose a heroine that you like, read all about her , whatever you find, and let her be your pilot for now in the stormy sea of “toxicity”, “abusive manipulators” and “nartsy pigs”.
So what do you mean? By and large, it doesn’t matter whether he’s a narcissist, bipolar, schizophrenic, or just a ****.
As they say, “I don’t understand the types of shit” - so it shouldn’t matter to you what exactly is wrong with a person who can humiliate or hit a woman or, God forbid, a child.
Maintain boundaries, respect and love yourself, create supports - education, work, financial independence, friends, hobbies. Always remain yourself, under no circumstances allowing yourself to be pushed around or compromising your interests, and teach your daughters the same. This is a winning tactic in any situation.
If he doesn’t take you into account and puts pressure on you, subordinating you to his will, save yourself.
If a man really loves a woman, everything is fine with his psyche and he really needs her, there will always be a compromise that suits both parties.
***
I hope this article will help those to whom it is addressed. I wish everyone who came here in a restless state to find their support and feel happy, regardless of whether there is a man next to you or not.
IMPORTANT
There is no crisis center in your city. Where can I call?
- +7-800-700-06-00 - all-Russian helpline for women victims of domestic violence (recognized as a foreign agent in Russia)
- +7-812-327-30-00 — helpline of the “Crisis Center for Women (INGO)” (there is an online reception on the website)
- +7-499-901-02-01 - helpline (there is an online reception on the website)
___
*The man I am writing about has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The diagnosis was made by a clinical psychologist with extensive experience. At the time we met, the man had already been in therapy for 5 years. I would not dare to throw around such diagnoses at my own discretion and I simply shudder when I see all these groups and forums of tanitanks and others about “abusive narcissists.” Ladies, wake up.
**Russian authorities added Medusa to the register of foreign media agents.
___
My books
My stories are here and on Instagram
All my news is in the telegram channel
If you have any questions, the answers to which, in your opinion, I can know, write to angelicasea21 AT gmail.com I will answer the most interesting ones in the comments to this post, if this is within the competence of a person who was once poisoned by mushrooms))))
If you found this text useful and would like to treat the author to coffee, you can do so here (one-time) or here (periodically).
Where do legs come from?
Signs of narcissism in women are not uncommon. The painful desire for ideality does not arise out of nowhere.
It, like a flower, blooms on fertile soil, previously fertilized by its parents.
Psychology often associates personality disorders with errors in upbringing. And this is exactly such a case. The female narcissist is the adult version of the little girl who is often devalued and humiliated.
Her parents actively play on the feeling of shame, comparing their daughter with other children. “Look what your brother has achieved,” “Aren’t you ashamed of being so stupid,” “You don’t deserve this” were frequent phrases she heard from her mom and dad.
She was praised only for high and truly significant results. An A in mathematics or second place in an Olympiad is not a reason for pride or encouragement.
A gold medal or an unconditional victory in a competition are achievements worthy of parental praise.
Features of women's disadvantages in contrast to men
Although both male and female narcissism have many common features, their main difference is that some forms of the latter allow for conscious dependence on one's partner .
Also a pronounced problem for narcissistic women is their relationship with children.
The problem is that a narcissistic mother cannot give enough warmth and care to her child , because she herself needs it.
The result is a vicious circle where narcissistic mothers raise children with narcissistic tendencies.
The relationship between a female narcissist and a male narcissist deserves special mention . At the same time, both demand recognition and admiration from their partner, without expecting mutual return. As a result, such relationships tend to quickly fail.
Narcissistic women have the strongest relationships with calm and caring men who do not pretend to be leaders in the family.
Narcissistic woman in a relationship
The girl grows up with the firm conviction that love must be earned. And if you take on something, do it a thousand percent - there is no other way.
She expects the same from other people. But since narcissistic personality disorder is not so common, it is very difficult to find someone who fully meets its requirements.
Yes, she doesn’t need him. Men and women narcissists usually do not get along together. Their relationship resembles an endless military conflict, where everyone wants to prove their superiority.
The man with whom a narcissistic woman usually builds a relationship does not suffer from a pathological desire for ideals.
But at the same time he is necessarily promising and ambitious. She won't even look at anyone else. Unpromising lovers of beer and idle time with such a friend have no chance.
She values herself too much to agree to a relationship with a loser. Having made her choice, the narcissistic woman builds a relationship according to one of two scenarios:
- Treats a man as a deity, extols him, admires him and tries with all his might to live up to him.
- She puts herself on a pedestal and herself tries on the role of a goddess, to whom a man should pray.
Which scenario will work in a particular situation also depends on the man: how successful he is, what heights he has achieved, and whether he has a strong character.
Signs of a Narcissist Girl
Understanding that you are dealing with a narcissistic girl is quite simple. Basically, these are people who live by the principle that all the people around them exist only to fulfill all her whims and desires. Such ladies build relationships according to the rules: “I did not lower myself, but condescended.” And sometimes, after talking with these girls, you begin to regret that there is no way to straighten their imaginary crown on their heads with an imaginary rake.
These arrogant and self-centered, impudent and demanding specimens of others are very easy to recognize by several symptoms:
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance;
- reacts sharply to the slightest criticism or remarks;
- does not admit his obvious guilt and mistake;
- shifts his own mistakes onto others;
- needs constant praise, even for small achievements;
- has grandiose ambitions about his self;
- asserts himself by humiliating other people;
- takes a weakening of attention to his person as betrayal;
- does not consider it necessary to rejoice in other people's successes and achievements;
- considers himself the center of the universe, and, accordingly, all the inhabitants of the planet as his subjects;
- loves to humiliate people, pointing out the slightest, and sometimes fictitious, shortcomings;
- despises people who are more successful in life;
- does not consider it necessary to apologize;
- not inclined to sincere empathy.
Intimate life
A narcissistic woman does everything right. Even in bed. She will never refuse her husband sex, she will try to do everything “perfectly”, even if she is tired or not in the mood.
The main thing is that she is praised and her efforts are appreciated. But there is another side to the coin. A narcissist strictly evaluates her appearance, and always strives to look better in the eyes of other people.
Especially in the eyes of your man. To appear clumsy or funny is like death to her.
Therefore, she cannot completely relax in bed. It is important for her to control the process so that the man does not find an extra fold on her waist and does not feel a tubercle of cellulite on her thigh.
Yes, she will do everything to make her partner feel good. But she doesn’t always enjoy it. It’s just emotional – from the fact that she completed her task one hundred and ten percent.
Narcissistic personality disorder. What do these predators want from others? And, especially, loved ones?
They want to eat them, literally and figuratively. They want both material benefits and nourishment from your emotions. In this case, the eating weapon is:
- abuse (Briefly: direct moral violence. Name-calling, insults. Can be supplemented with physical violence)
- passive aggression (Briefly: devaluation. For example, “What is your opinion? No one asks for your opinion”),
- inversion of meanings and words (In short: there were actions and words. But then all the meanings are inverted and distorted through verbiage)
- gaslighting (In short: first they OFFENSED, and then they turned it around in this way: “you thought you were sensitive, go get treatment”)
- and manipulation (most often, a feeling of unjustified guilt).
This is how they cover up their emptiness. Because their essence is emptiness. And shame... Which they will never admit for anything.
Instructions for use
The main advice for men who want to build a relationship with a narcissistic woman is to praise, praise and praise again.
She lacked this as a child, and now your task is to compensate for the lack of praise and admiration.
Accept that your wife will constantly criticize you, tell you what to do right, and be nervous about little things.
The trash that hasn't been taken out or a dirty plate on the table can make her angry, so try not to awaken the beast in her with such trifles.
Never compare her to other women.
A narcissistic personality will never forgive you for this. If she doesn’t leave you right away, she will take revenge - regularly remind you of your shortcomings or defeats.
Don't blame her for mistakes. Believe me, she will punish herself a thousand times more.
It’s better to calm her down, hug her tightly, remind her of her achievements and tell her that you love her. This is very important to her.
She will be immensely grateful and will do everything to do something nice for you in return.
Causes of narcissism
Narcissistic personality disorder is not a congenital disorder.
Genes have a certain influence, but not so much as to globally influence the behavior of an individual. In most cases, problems come from childhood. The following factors are important.
Low self-esteem
One of the main reasons for the development of the disorder is low self-esteem.
Narcissists disagree with the idea that all people are the same
It is formed in childhood as a result of an inferiority complex as a result of excessive demands from parents or, conversely, universal permissiveness and lack of control. Constant comparison with other children has a negative impact on a child's self-esteem.
Overprotectiveness
Every parent must do everything possible for the full development of the child, his safety, and socialization in society.
If this concern takes on an exaggerated form, then such parental behavior has a detrimental effect on the child’s perception of himself. He begins to feel his uniqueness, puts himself above others.
Lack of parental attention
Just like an excess of care, its lack is harmful. The child suffers from coldness and lack of attention, warmth, care and affection from the people he loves most.
Therefore, he begins to immerse himself in himself in order to compensate for the lack of attention from his parents, begins to idealize his person, and excessive self-love appears.
Circle eight – General cleaning
At this stage, the narcissistic personality restores his reputation, which could have been damaged during the Juice and Disposal period if you did not always agree to “wash dirty linen in public.” To discredit you, the narcissist will try to make you out to be hysterical, an alcoholic, or a psychopath.
He can quarrel with someone by starting baseless rumors, reveal your secrets that he forced you to reveal at one time, falsify something that presents you in an unfavorable light, declare you a tormentor and himself an unfortunate victim. Entering into open confrontation, unfortunately, is risky; you can suffer significant harm, even death.
Excessive concern for appearance
You can meet ladies who regularly monitor their appearance. The goal is quite clear, because you want to look perfect in any life situation. Ladies believe that if they are beautiful and well-groomed, they can put forward new demands on their environment.
Her own appearance always comes first for such a lady. You can also recall a banal situation: she is ready to spend most of her income on her appearance.
Photo: Pixabay
Perverse narcissism in men and women, psychological portrait.
These are precisely those narcissistic people who:
- Constantly feel repressed shame. (Shame is the feeling that “I’m not okay, there’s something very wrong with me.”
- Experiencing it, they inevitably feel envy of those who, in their opinion, are more kindly favored by fate in one aspect or another.
- These are empty people, people are candy wrappers. They are outstanding masters of self-presentation and self-presentation. In this regard, a lot of attention is paid to appearance. Handsome men and beauties.
- But, communicating with them, you gradually understand WHAT emptiness there is inside. There is nothing practical or valuable there except the desire to assert oneself. There are only tops from any undertakings.
- This desire to assert themselves is what comes out of them. This is the same ambition that constantly causes us bewilderment, at least.
- Therefore, they always devalue others - directly or covertly. Sometimes, very gracefully. However, receiving depreciation from a perverted narcissist will always make your soul feel bad.
- They criticize. They are unhappy. And they always, in their narcissistic opinion, “deserve better.”
- The narcissist will be incredibly adept at twisting any situation. Showing the right for the wrong. These are masters of verbal skirmishes. Competing with them in this is only a waste of strength.
- They always find a donor victim who pours “narcissistic balm” on them, loves, supports, and looks after them. At the expense of your own life. And they eat it until it's gone. I ran out - took the next one.
- Based on the point above, these are traitors. Because a person (supposedly a loved one) is just a function for them. Which is needed to satisfy certain material and energy needs. Accordingly, if he dares not fulfill his function, he is immediately replaced with a new one.
- A traditional sign that is written about everywhere is a complete lack of empathy and compassion. It is when you are weak and vulnerable that he strikes.
- A narcissist never apologizes. Because it seems to him that by repenting, he is admitting out loud the inferiority of his EGO, and this is unbearable due to the feeling of suppressed shame.
Circle Nine – Dance on the Bones
Consumed by hatred, the narcissist seizes or orchestrates every opportunity to take revenge. He is capable of tripling the persecution, harassing you in any possible way: denunciations, calls, making your secrets public, endless visits while drunk or otherwise insane, acts of physical aggression. Persecution (“stalking”) is also common, in which alternating threats and cajoling are possible.
In especially serious cases, a destructive person who is “stuck” on you will prefer to destroy you than to lose you forever.
Circle Five – Tightening the Nuts
This stage is an alternation of “ice showers” and thaws, which become shorter and shorter each time. The aggressor subjects you to more and more humiliation, showing verbal, emotional, and then physical, including sexual, violence. You are trying to “become better”, fulfill and anticipate his wishes, “reach out” to him in order to understand what and where went wrong, and how it can be corrected. At the same time, your narcissist, on the contrary, neglects your desires or does the opposite. “Withholding” applies to you –
a ban on expressing emotions, especially anger.
They don’t listen to you, they interrupt you, they turn everything into a joke, they devalue your feelings and your condition.
You develop strange illnesses, incomprehensible pains, problems with sleep and appetite, nervous tics, panic attacks, dermatological problems. By translating your state of mind into psychosomatic language, your body is trying to convey to you the truth about your relationship. Your general nervous exhaustion is also facilitated by the beginning of exploitation, the use of your knowledge, skills and resources in favor of the narcissist, which will acquire even greater scope in the next stage of communication.
