We often ask ourselves a similar question: “Is it possible to change a person?”
We all have that friend - the person in our lives about whom we always say: “If only he...”. From month to month, from year to year - we love them, care for them, worry about them, but when we turn off the light or hang up the phone, we think to ourselves: “If only he...”. Maybe this is your relative. He may be depressed. Or his heart was broken. Or he's depressed. Maybe he doesn't believe in himself. But every time you see him, you try to fill him with love and confidence, you compliment his new Spiderman T-shirt and sing the praises of his new super haircut. You inadvertently admire him and give him some unsolicited advice, recommend a book or two, but think to yourself: “If only he believed in himself...”
Or it could be a friend. He can constantly get into trouble somewhere. Or drink. Or deceive your partner. Or constantly spend all your savings on a strange hobby, for example, karting. You pull him out of it and have a heart-to-heart talk, as good old comrades should. Or maybe you offer to look at the bank balances or even give them loans - and more than once. But in the meantime, in the back of your mind there is a phrase:
“If only he would pull himself together...”
Or it could be even worse. This could be your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even worse - your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. It may have been over for a long time, but you still continue to hope that this person will somehow change. As if there was some special information they missed that would change everything. Maybe you even buy them books they never read. Or drag them to a doctor they don't want to go to. Or maybe at two in the morning you record tearful voicemails like:
“Why am I not good enough for you?!!?”
Well yeah, as if that ever worked...
We all have someone like that in our lives. It hurts to love him. But losing him also hurts. So we decide that the only way to save this neurotic is to somehow change him.
"If only he..."
This spring, at the end of my meetings with readers, I conducted short blitzes from the “Question and Answer” series. And always in every city at least one person stood up, told his story at length and confusedly, and then asked: “How can I get him/her to change? If only he would do this and that, everything would be easier.”
You cannot force a person to change.
And in every situation my answer was the same: no way.
Is it possible to change a person by your example?
Of course, you can inspire him to change with your experience. You can push him by telling him something. You can support him in his endeavors. But you can't force him to change. And this is all because forcing someone to do something, even for their own good, implies either coercion or manipulation.
To do this, you need to intervene in life in such a way that boundaries are violated, which then harms the relationship - in some cases, more harm than good. Often broken boundaries go unnoticed because they are violated in the name of good.
Is it possible to change a person without manipulation?
Vasya lost his job. Now he's lying on his mom's couch, crushed and feeling sorry for himself every day. And then mom starts sending out his resume. She also starts yelling at Vasya, calling him names and accusing him of being a loser. Maybe she'll even throw his gaming console out the window, just to give him another motivational kick. And if the mother's intentions are completely good, then to many this act may seem like a dramatic and at the same time noble manifestation of tough love, but this type of behavior will ultimately have the opposite effect.
This is a violation of boundaries.
This is taking responsibility for the actions of another person and his emotions, and even if all this is done with the best intentions, violating boundaries still destroys the entire relationship.
If you look from the other side. Vasya feels sorry for himself. He is trying to find at least some meaning in life in this cruel and heartless world. And then suddenly his mother comes and smashes his game console to pieces, which literally yesterday she herself went and looked for a job for him. Not only does this not solve Vasya’s problem with his belief that the world is cruel and heartless, and he has no place in it, but it is also further proof for him that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. After all, if Vasya wasn’t so bad, he wouldn’t need his mother to go and look for a job for him, would he?
Instead of learning that, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with this world and I can handle it,” the lesson is, “Yeah, I’m a grown man who still needs his mommy to do everything for him.” I always knew there was something wrong with me.”
This is how our best intentions to help someone turn into complete failure.
Is it possible to change a person without violating his boundaries?
You cannot force another person to be confident or respect themselves or take responsibility - because the means that you use for this destroy this very confidence, and with it respect and responsibility.
Is it possible to change a person without taking responsibility for his life?
In order for a person to truly change, he must feel these changes within himself, choose them himself and control them. Otherwise, all this makes no sense.
The most common criticism of my work is that, unlike many other self-help authors, I do not tell people what to do. I don’t lay everything out on the shelves from A to Z, and I don’t give out dozens of tasks at the end of every damn chapter.
But I don't do this for one simple reason: I can't decide what's right for you. I don't get to decide what will make you the best version of you. Yes, even if I could, the fact that I would be telling you what to do instead of you telling yourself what to do would deprive you of all the emotional benefits.
People who are drawn into the “help yourself” world actually live in it, because they are chronically incapable of taking responsibility for their own choices.
Millions of people float through life, looking around - in search of an ideal or a company or a set of principles - with the help of which they would know exactly what to think, what to do, and what to give up on. But the problem is that any value system will eventually fail. And any definition of success will ultimately turn into stupidity. And if you are dependent on other people's values, then from the very beginning you are doomed to feel lost and non-unique.
So if someone like me comes on stage and tells you that for half of your savings he will take charge of your life, telling you what to do and what to value, then he should add that “I’m not only I will perpetuate your original problem, but I will also kill you by doing this.”
People who have experienced psychological trauma, who have been abandoned, humiliated, or felt lost, have been able to survive this pain by relying on a worldview that promises them hope. But until such people learn to generate this hope for themselves, choose these very values and take responsibility for their own experience, nothing will help them truly heal.
For some, intervention and words like, “Hey, here are my valuables on a silver platter. Should I add some fries? only perpetuate the problem, even if it is all done with good intentions. (Objection: Active intervention in someone's life may be necessary if the person is a danger to themselves or others. When I say danger, I mean real danger - drug overdose, unpredictability, violence, or hallucinations that they are living with Charlie at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
How can you help people?
That is, if you can't force someone to change because interfering in their life and passing the buck for their choices will eventually backfire, then what can you do? Is it possible to change a person? How to help?
Lead by example
Anyone who has ever experienced a significant change in their life has noticed a ripple effect in their relationships. You stop drinking and going to parties, and then your drinking friends decide that you're ignoring them or that you're kind of "too good" for them. But perhaps, suddenly, at least one of all these party-goers will think: “Damn, maybe I should quit too?” and will jump out of this party boat with you. And this will happen not because you intervened and said: “Hey, dude, stop drinking on Tuesdays,” but simply because you yourself stopped drinking, and this inspired others.
Instead of giving answers, ask the right questions
Once you realize that by dumping our answers on others, we immediately sabotage the benefits of those same answers.
Is it possible to change a person with the right questions?
You must realize that the only way to help a person is to ask the right questions. Instead of saying, “You should fight for a raise,” you can say, “Do you think you are being paid fairly?”
Instead of saying, “Stop putting up with your sister's behavior,” you can say, “Do you feel responsible for your sister's bad behavior?”
Instead of saying, “Stop pooping in your pants—it's gross,” you can say, “You know what a toilet is, right? Would you like me to show you how to use it?”
Asking people questions is difficult. This requires patience. And mind. And tact. But that's why perhaps it's so useful. When you pay a psychiatrist, you're really just paying to ask the right questions. This is why some people find psychiatry "helpful" - because they think the specialist has the answer to all their problems, but all they get is more questions.
Offer unconditional help
This doesn't mean you can't give people answers. But these answers must be found by themselves. There is a huge difference between me when I say, “I know what will be best for you,” and you when you come to me and say, “What do you think will be best for me?”
Is it possible to change a person by respecting his choice?
Some respect your autonomy and will. But others don't. So, often the best thing you can do is simply make it clear that you are available if the person needs you.
Classic: “Listen, I know you’re going through a tough time right now. If you ever want to talk, let me know."
But it can be more specific. Several years ago, one of my friends had problems with his parents. Instead of giving him advice or telling him what to do, I simply told him about some of what I thought were similar problems that I had had with my parents in the past. My goal was not to force my friend to take my advice or do what I did or even give a damn about what I had.
Give advice instead of nagging.
Let's say you want your partner to take his job more seriously and move further up the career ladder. Instead of pressuring him and calling him a failure, send him articles (literature) about career, growth and development to inspire him to become more successful.
Consider whether it's worth arguing at all
Before you pull out your knives, check to make sure you have up-to-date, expert information to refer to? Are there any weaknesses in your judgment? When you operate on unverified information, there is a danger of looking like a flat earther or the Devil's advocate. In this case, it is hardly worth starting an argument.
Second point: remember that the process of persuasion will most likely take time and nerves. Consulting psychologist Holly Weeks advises R. Knight, H. Weeks. Communicating with difficult people, soberly assess your strengths. Do you have the physical, mental and emotional ability to discuss right now? And who is the person you want to argue with? Is it really important for you to convince him?
If we are talking, for example, about a grandmother at the entrance who complains about today’s youth, this is hardly a case when it is worth investing in the conversation. It's a completely different matter if your loved one's beliefs can harm him or someone else. For example, he believes that cancer can be cured with baking soda and meditation.
Use Pascal's method
The point is to confirm that your interlocutor is right in some aspect with which you agree, and then point out problem areas in the judgment. This will give your opponent the impression that he was right from the start, but simply failed to consider all sides of the issue.
No: We will not spend money on this console.
Yes: I understand why you want to buy this console. It's awesome and much better than the one you have! I also understand that if we spend money on her, we will have to postpone the trip that we have been planning for so long.
What Can Cause Change?
Love is a great incentive for changes in life, character changes
Serious life situations, serious illness of a loved one, death, financial bankruptcy influence obvious changes in behavior. There are certain factors that can provoke changes in personality.
- A person changes with age as he accumulates knowledge and new skills. The accumulated experience affects changes in character.
- Changes can affect the behavior of a person who has completed his studies at the university, served in the army, or someone who has experienced the emergence of relationships with the opposite sex.
- Self-acceptance of the need to make adjustments in your behavior. A situation when an individual does not like certain traits of his character, and he seeks to get rid of them.
- Position in society, social status leave a certain imprint on the individual, changing the person himself over time.
- Changes in life can be caused by significant shock. This can be either a negative or a happy event (for example, the birth of a child).
- Changes in the environment in cases of shift work, moving, which can also affect changes in personality.
- Both the appearance of big money and the absence of it can lead to change.
- A midlife crisis often provokes the occurrence of metamorphoses, which can either have a temporary manifestation or become permanently established.
- Coming to religion affects changes in character.
- Detection of a serious illness in oneself or a loved one, contact with death can affect a person’s temperament.
A person’s character may become tougher due to traumatic events experienced, which can affect the loss of tenderness, immaturity, the emergence of a more adult outlook on life, and the inability to enjoy what is happening.
Try not to use "but"
According to Susan Heitler. The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage by clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, “but” is a sign of subtraction in conversation. It erases what was just said. Therefore, it is better to use other wording: “at the same time,” “also,” “at the same time.”
Susan Heitler
Clinical psychologist, author of books.
Try to notice every time you say the word “but.” If this happens often, perhaps you are not building a constructive dialogue, but are simply engaged in denial of what the other person is saying. So you will argue endlessly.
No: I understand that it is important for you to develop in another area. But now our company cannot satisfy your needs.
Yes: I understand that it is important for you to work on more complex and interesting problems. At the same time, I understand that our company cannot meet your needs right now.
Age adjustment
I would also like to dwell on the age of changes. It cannot be denied that the younger a person is, the easier it is to change. Of course, you shouldn’t forget about this either.
- Until the age of 18, when you are still a child or teenager, changes are easier, and this is where you can influence.
Education can correct some aspects. It will probably be impossible to completely change some character traits. And a child is an individual, it is also important to remember this.
- From 18 to 28, changes also occur more easily.
At this point, the person may be influenced by the new environment. At this stage, people enter educational institutions, someone gets married, children are born, and jobs change. During this time period, the worldview is formed, but it may also be subject to changes, which will be easier.
- "Middle age crisis".
Photo by Dellon Thomas: Pexels
This period should be considered separately. At this stage, changes can occur very strong. Everyone experiences this stage differently. And if for some the changes may be drastic, then for others they will not be so obvious. And there will be no obvious desire for change.
- From 40 and older.
During this age period it is most difficult for a person to change. I already have life experience and my own views on many things. Values and worldviews have been formed, so there may be no desire to radically change something and change oneself, or the process will be difficult. And only, again, with strong motivation.
I would also like to note that character changes throughout life. Sometimes we may like it, sometimes we may not, but this process is inevitable. No one has ever remained the same as when they were 18. This, unfortunately, is impossible.
Bring your psycho-emotional state back to normal
We are talking about the purely medical side of human imbalance. Excessive nervous sensitivity may not be the cause of a bad character, but it certainly won’t add points to you in the fight to improve your personal qualities. To better cope with stress, it is recommended to get rid of bad habits, pay attention to nutrition, daily routine, physical activity and proper rest. All this will not make you a pleasant conversationalist, but it will help you begin to train self-control and, ultimately, change your character.
Strive for a positive experience
Negative experiences are the cause and justification for most bad character traits. Remember the sacramental phrase from the film “Boomer”: “We are not like that - life is like that.” Sometimes circumstances really force you to act without regard to ethics. But such actions are episodic in nature, they help, and do not interfere with life, and they certainly do not evoke a desire to change one’s character for the better. It’s another matter when a negative experience once received forms a pattern of behavior for the rest of one’s life, regardless of how adequate this behavior is.
Positive experience gradually destroys the consequences of negative ones, because the subconscious mind changes attitudes under its influence.
