How to “treat” dependent relationships between husband and wife? Psychologist's advice

How dependent are the partners on each other in the relationship? Where does the line end when a relationship stops being healthy and becomes addictive? In this article we will consider a model of relationships in the mode of emotional dependence. How they are formed in childhood and how this affects relationships later, in a couple. And most importantly - what to do about it?

How to recognize an emotionally dependent relationship?

Emotional dependence is dependence on a partner, on a relationship. Everything is built around this. There is a lot in a person’s life, however, if he talks and thinks exclusively about his partner, then such a family is on the verge of becoming dependent.

Reduced criticism is one of the criteria when a person is not aware that his attention is shifted in one direction, everything else ceases to be interesting and attractive to the person.

Couple relationships either fuel or inhibit our personal development. What do partners mean to each other? What are they able to give or take? There is not always a clear answer to these questions. People can simply say: “We are good together and that’s enough!” Great, but it often happens that without another person it becomes simply impossible to experience a state of satisfaction and happiness.

The state of emotional dependence differs from the state of normal attachment. If people are able to be away from each other for some time and not be destroyed, then we are talking about attachment. Yes, partners will be bored when they are apart, but at the same time they are able to think about someone else or something else.

It is important to note that the family dependent system is focused on maintaining this pattern in the future. All family members are accustomed to certain ritualized behavior and reactions. If someone falls out of it, then this is perceived as rejection. In this regard, if we talk about psychological counseling, then ideally we need to work with the whole family as a system.

Relationships are normally built between two autonomous individuals, but in dependent systems there is no autonomy. In speech you can often hear “we love, we believe, we choose.”

Narcissistic-object relationships - if I treat my partner not as a separate person, but as an extension of myself. At the same time, the other is, as it were, built into me. I treat others as I treat myself. Another loses freedom of choice. And if this other leaves, then I lose a part of myself.

This is very painful to experience. At the same time, the work of grief during separation is complicated. It is not fulfilled, since there is mutual penetration of the other person into the partner’s space. It is impossible to live together, but it is also impossible to separate. At this stage, partners often seek help from a psychologist. First of all, it is important to recognize the fact that separation will indeed be a necessary way out of the current situation for both partners.

A breakup can feel like a threat to your life. Since relationships determine that everything depends on them. This is due to the presence of high expectations from the other, he is the chosen one. When breaking up, there is a fear of losing the “investment” that the addict has made in this relationship. “He left, and my hopes collapsed with him!” - this phrase can often be heard in a psychologist’s office.

In emotionally dependent relationships there are many projections. This is a psychological defense mechanism of the individual, in which the individual pushes out his qualities and attributes them to another person. For example, in a couple, one of the partners may not admit to himself that he feels angry towards the other partner. And at the same time he can say: “You are angry with me!”

Psychological dependence: what is it and why does it occur?

Psychological dependence on another person is most often associated with raising a child and traumatic childhood experiences. Children always want to be in close contact with their parents, mainly their mother. If for some reason the mother cannot provide reliable healthy attachment, the child will begin to cling to her out of fear of losing her and will try to occupy all the parents’ free time.

As an addict grows up, he will transfer the experience of unhealthy attachment to his love relationships. The psychology of an unloved child gives rise to a strong desire to be nearby all the time, both physically and psychologically, to occupy the entire surrounding space of another person, and the fear of loss plunges into despair. Such people are obsessive, clingy, instantly blur boundaries, and literally tear themselves away from their loved one if necessary, to separate, even experiencing physical pain, they are not able to free themselves from the feelings that engulf them.

Here are the main factors leading to emotional dependence:

• low self-esteem;
• psychological complexes;
• childhood trauma;
• unrealistic fears and fantasies;
• non-adaptive types of upbringing in the parental family;
• disrespectful parental attitude towards the baby;
• high parental expectations that the little person could not meet;
• ridiculous ideas about love: Love is sharing everything in half, being always close, having common interests, thoughts and desires, etc.;
• the desire to merge with another, to become part of something larger;
• incorrect perception of one's own boundaries;
• a masochistic desire to be subjugated by someone;
• the desire to play the role of a child and relive childhood with a parent who will always be there this time.

Differences between dependent relationships and “normal” ones

One of the main criteria for dependent relationships is pathological attraction to the object of dependence. This attraction is constantly accompanied by an increase in the time spent with the person. If at the beginning of a relationship it was possible to endure fifteen minutes waiting for a response to an SMS from a partner, then later, after just five minutes, a person begins to form hypotheses about why the other is silent and does not respond to the message at the same second.

The state of intense love is characterized by a state of irresistible attraction to a loved one. There is a desire to saturate oneself with relationships to the point of absorption. Apart from this person, nothing else interests him. And even if he communicates with someone, he talks exclusively about his partner.

An emotionally dependent person thinks all day long about whether they answered me or not. All life revolves around the object of addiction. Every minute a person tries to check whether the relationship still exists. Confirmation required. There is no certainty that the relationship is still ongoing. No experience of good relationships. And then I constantly monitor and check.

If we talk about healthier interactions in a couple, then each family member has his own territory in which there is no overlap with another person.

If a person feels danger, he may fall into affective separation in order not to experience the pain of separation. “It’s better that I leave him than my partner does it before me!” Relationships are constantly tested for strength.

There is no complete image of a person. The other one is split. If the partner is good, then I am ready to build a relationship with him, and if something wrong appears in our contact, then the person tries to change the partner. This happens through manipulation.

Relationships can be built on a narcissistic model. You can often hear the following demand: “You change! I can only build a relationship with you who are good, like this and like that!” In response to this, a person interested in an alliance spends time “improving” himself in order to, as it were, have the right to this relationship. They must be earned. And this process can continue indefinitely.

“You are responsible for our relationship!” Or you might hear something like this from your other half: “If you change, then everything will be fine with us!” Here we are talking, among other things, about shifting responsibility for one’s life to another. And also the perception of this other through a function, for example, convenience in something. This looks quite selfish, but most often it is simply not realized.

The following formula is launched: “If I am not responsible for the relationship, then I cannot change it!” When a union ends, a person worries because something good has left his life. He begins to blame himself: “I’m bad, I didn’t finish something!”, or “That person was wonderful, but I couldn’t be worthy for him!” At the same time, one’s own contribution to another person is devalued. But it is important to note that during the relationship itself, the partner was “bad.”

With emotional dependence, there is a desire to appropriate a partner for oneself, to make him a part of oneself. There is an absorption in the life of another person. My needs become tied to another person. Everything happens for him and for him. If this need is not met, I cannot live my life. This is the reasoning of clients who complain in a psychologist’s office that their relationship with their partner may end.

Psychologists say that anxiety arises if we do something not together. To get rid of an anxious state, a person performs compulsive actions. For example, he begins to talk a lot, write to someone on social networks, and fuss. It turns out that I need another person to relieve my anxiety. At the same time, I am not very interested in the person himself, but only in his function - reducing my anxiety. When he stops performing this function, the person ceases to be interesting to me.

When one person in a couple realizes that the task is not being completed, he and his partner are bored, then they begin to move away from each other. At this moment, the person experiences horror, the person is not ready and is afraid of separation.

A lot of control in relationships is typical for emotionally dependent people. How, where, and most importantly, with whom the partner went is of critical importance. It is almost impossible to let go of this state.

How to confront the problem

Emotional dependence is an unhealthy attitude, first of all, towards yourself; it destroys you. And to get rid of it, you need to go through several steps:

1. First of all, accept that attachment is painful and far from a normal relationship.
2. Start to love yourself first: take care of yourself, make time for hobbies, communicate with new people. Just start living.
3. Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotions, learn to find them without him. Start with little things: eat ice cream in the park, go out to a cafe with a friend, go to the cinema, go to a bookstore and choose literature of your interests.
4. Work with your fears. Only by overcoming them can you find harmony in a new relationship.

Emotional dependence is a pathology that destroys. The reasons for it originate deep in childhood, and in order to overcome this condition, you need colossal work on yourself. At the Academy of Conscious Thinking, I will help you understand the problem in detail and find a way out of it. You will learn to build new, strong and healthy relationships.

Intimacy in Emotionally Dependent Relationships

There is no intimacy in such relationships. As soon as we get into the zone where we need to carry out mental work, the personality does everything to get away from this point. For example, to withstand the signification of another, or the fact that the partner is not ideal, or may leave, then in this zone the dependent person is not able to cope with himself, and avoids this state in every possible way. And he prefers to regulate his tension in familiar ways. Either “merge” or get excited. Then the cycle closes.

A relationship without a relationship is not complete. In essence, we can say that a person enters into a relationship only with a certain part of another. And when the partner shows up as the other side, the individual begins a habitual pattern of behavior - avoiding difficulties in relationships.

Dependent relationships are often accompanied by awkwardness and guilt for something. This can be both the cause of the second partner’s manipulation and the consequence of his actions.

It happens that addicted people often hide their relationship if there was something wrong with them. It is very important to them what others think of them, how they evaluate what is happening in the couple, this is important to them.

The system of justifications and rationalizations in dependent relationships is present quite often. It is a mistake to believe that this promotes rapprochement between people. A system of mutual accusations has been built, in which one constantly has to be in some tension.

In order to maintain the usual version of such relationships, patience is required. This is also one of the criteria for codependent relationships. We are talking about loved ones who are addicted. At the same time, clients often say that they have the hope that just a little more and everything will be fine. However, time passes, but the situation remains the same.

In such families, something like this message to the partner is often noted: “We are made for each other, but everything will happen tomorrow!” His partner triggers a neurotic psychological defense mechanism – repression. He believes it. In response, you can hear something like the following: “I understand you very much, let’s wait a little!” At the same time, there is no meeting with reality. Between people one can state understatement, understatement.

Getting close enough to another person to detect and recognize each other seems impossible. The psychologist’s task will be, first of all, to give two people the opportunity to meet.

How to get rid of the pathological state of dependence on a person?

To find out about your emotional dependence on your loved one, take the test. Answer the following questions:

1. Do you often feel anxious when you think about your relationship?
2. Do you find it difficult to say “no”?
3. Is your partner's approval vital to you?
4. If your partner praises you, does your mood improve?
5. Do you panic if he is unhappy with something?
6. Can't imagine your life without a partner?
7. Is your loved one interested in you as a person?
8. Do you delete your passwords and demand the same from your partner?

1-2

answering “yes” to a test is the initial stage of addiction.

3-5

“yes” is the second stage.

more than 5

“yes” for the test - you are at the last, destructive stage of dependence on a loved one, a psychologist will help with love addiction, even online, through the website.

Start working with a psychologist right now

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If you scored a lot of points in the previous test and realized that your feelings are more like a drug trip, this is not such a strange love, but still an addiction, here are the psychologist’s tips that you can take on your own to free yourself from the disease. But often only long-term psychotherapy helps to reformat consciousness, since the problems lie deep in the psyche of the addict.

1. Understand why this attachment is unhealthy and destroys you and your future.
2. Realize that independence and self-sufficiency are not a path to loneliness, but a necessary condition for becoming free. You need to cultivate responsibility for yourself and your life.
3. Accept that everyone needs personal space. Everyone has personal boundaries that no one is allowed to violate.
4. Stop perceiving yourself through the prism of your social role: mother, girlfriend, wife, lover. You are an independent person, and you should have activities, hobbies and interests outside of one particular social role.

Working in three directions will help you cope with the feeling of love dependence on a person; it needs to be treated in stages:

– work with personality:

increasing self-esteem, building personal boundaries, awareness of one’s own value and significance, respect and acceptance of oneself;

– work with the body:

you need to establish lost contact with your own body through physical exercise, meditation (tips can easily be found online), massages, and mindfulness practices;

– work with thinking:

replacement of negative attitudes, images, maladaptive strategies. This work is best done with the help of a psychologist, jointly reviewing all cases that confirm a negative opinion about oneself and changing cognitive attitudes about each of them.

Communication in emotionally dependent relationships

Difficulties in self-presentation are a common occurrence in such couples. For example, in childhood it was not customary to talk about something, and when the child did speak, punishment followed. Then the child learns to hide his needs from other people.

Every difficulty in a relationship, up to some point in the past, helped to survive, which ensured safety. But now this experience is no longer applicable. The environment and the people themselves have changed. But a person has no other way of behavior. The psychologist helps the individual regain their former freedom in dealing with themselves and others.

As paradoxical as it may sound, a person selects a partner “for himself” in order to suffer further. The fact is that it is very difficult to reach another level of contact. A person tends to habitual patterns of behavior. And as soon as the tension in the actual contact decreases, the person goes “to the next round.”

When forming relationships, pre-contact slippage is noted. When meeting a new person, there is a lot of imagination, since nothing is known about the person. The person will love this illusory object. The personality does not notice the real other, does not meet him. If a person does something wonderful, then another admires him, however, if he does something wrong, I only see a demon opposite who has ruined his whole life. And a little later I again see only an angel in him. The meeting with a real person never happens.

Integration of different qualities in a person is impossible for a dependent person. How to accept different traits in a person? Therefore, emotionally dependent clients either say that he is wonderful or, on the contrary, terrible. But what a person really is cannot be perceived by anyone else. It is important to reach equality and responsibility in a relationship with your partner. This is work, work to bring two people closer together.

Typically, the addiction is offered by someone, and the second one serves it. The connection between personal neuroses is complementary. For example, in a couple, one partner is dependent and the other is codependent.

What can love addiction lead to?

To understand the catastrophe that dependent relationships can lead to, read the story of a woman who was “stuck” in the first type of dependence on a man—dissolution.

Dissolution in a man. Marina's story

The love story of my friends Marina and Sergei began at an exhibition of contemporary art. Walking around the hall, the young people stopped at a painting that they both liked.

We started talking. It turned out that they had common passions not only in painting.

We exchanged phone numbers. We met. Then again and again... Two months later, Marina and Sergei were already living together in her apartment.

Fascinated by Sergei, Marina did not notice anyone around: she did not answer phone calls, stopped meeting with friends and relatives.

She completely relieved her man of housework, pleasing him in everything, and admired the intelligence and talent of her chosen one. I left my job, giving up my favorite activities.

At first Sergei liked it, then it began to irritate him. He stayed late at work more and more often, coming up with all sorts of excuses. And one day he didn’t come to spend the night at all. True, he came home in the morning with flowers. Marina readily forgave him, without even asking where he spent the night.

Quickly
realizing that Marina was ready to accept anyone, Sergei decided not to spend the night at home, was rude, made trouble, and mocked.
Relatives and friends tried to talk to Marina about their relationship, but she did not see the obvious and idolized her “king.”

Finally the day came when it turned out that Sergei had another lady of his heart. He admitted that he was “sick of Marina’s tolerance and sacrifice” and left her, slamming the door.

So she was left alone with a broken heart and crippled self-confidence. She cried, did not sleep at night, sorting through her “sins and mistakes.” She constantly called her ex-lover, begging her to come back... At first he answered the phone, and then he blacklisted Marina’s number.

On topic: “He left me. How to continue to live?”: Analysis of your situations

Continuous attacks of self-flagellation, pain and suffering due to love addiction led Marina to prolonged depression. From a cheerful woman
she turned into a hunched old woman.
Fearing for her life and health, family and friends sounded the alarm. They took me to the doctor. The latter prescribed a bunch of antidepressants.

One day, while waiting for a doctor’s appointment, Marina accidentally saw herself in the mirror. A casually dressed woman of unknown age with empty, indifferent eyes looked at her. This caused her such genuine horror that she vowed to regain herself.

entered her new life with the understanding that not a single man in the world is worth dying over.

Gradually she got back into shape and found an interesting job. She returned to communication with her friends, remembered how she liked to spend time before marriage.

Periodically I met with Marina and learned news from her. Therefore, she was not at all surprised when she got a new boyfriend. Now they are already married. And in this new relationship, Marina no longer suffers from pathological dependence on a man, because now she loves not only her husband, but also herself. I would even say this: she loves first of all

myself. That is why her love for her husband is harmonious and gives her a lot of happiness.

If you, like Marina, would like to meet new love and build a new wonderful relationship, take the first step towards this right now.

Join Elizaveta Volkova's free master class and learn how to attract the man of your dreams in 35 days.

ATTEND THE MASTER CLASS

Formation of dependent relationships

What becomes our character traits used to be our childhood. The patterns of behavior that are active in us now were learned by us at an early age through interaction with people who are significant to us.

If the environment in which the child was located does not saturate him, then his needs will not be met. The result is a hunger that cannot be satisfied.

Attraction can be turned into desire. Through desire it is possible to get something. As a result, there is no way to be satisfied. Fantasies arise that an ideal partner exists. And if a meeting occurs, the partner is not what I wanted, we look further. And this can continue indefinitely.

There is a point of view according to which relationships can be built with any person. In fact, this is so due to the fact that only after the meeting has taken place and the partners have begun to recognize each other, it is possible to build interaction and come to an agreement.

A person is in a state of chronic love. Time passes, he meets a real person, disappointment. Then it is imperative to find a replacement for the partner who has just left, once again. And it is, as a rule, similar to the previous one. Then there is no relationship.

Or the environment tells the child that your needs are too many. After some time, the child stops wanting. There is no meeting experience, rather disappointment. And then there is a loss of the right to want something. Within a dependent relationship, a person cannot show healthy aggression. He will “swallow” everything that is offered to him.

In a dependent character there is an unconscious feeling of guilt - I’m not like that, I want too much. Experiencing such a feeling, a person changes his behavior towards adjusting to other people.

A good object appears only when one who is able to bear it arises. During childhood, the child’s mother contains all his manifestations. This means she accepts. Then the child understands that he is good and can be loved.

Or another option, when the aggression that the child sends to the mother returns to him. This is accompanied by punitive words. The message is something like this: “You behaved badly!” And in a relationship as an adult, a person appears who will say something like this: “Okay, I’ll accept you this way. But for this you owe me a lot!” Relationship needs are achieved through manipulation.

Why does a person become addicted?

Dependence on the person, reasons:

1. Due to the fact that the addict has poorly constructed personal boundaries and he does not realize where his personality ends and where another person begins, emotional dependence on the person develops. He does not understand where his desires and dreams are, and where others are. He considers everything he wants to be common; everything his loved one wants either appropriates or rejects.

The addict also feels bad about his body, he cannot refuse intimacy, say “no,” and he himself suffers greatly if he is refused. For him, any “no” is a terrible insult and rejection. The patient does not live his own life, but the life of his loved one, his own desires and aspirations are nothing more than a dream, and he considers merging with another to be the only reality.

2. Dependence on a loved one can also arise due to a serious illness or the loss of a loved one; death of a parent, especially at an early age. The person is so frightened and shocked by this grief that he devotes all his strength to maintaining a close connection with his new loved one. The psychology of the traumatized person forces one to quickly become attached and completely dissolve in another, in the illusory hope that this closeness will never end.

But the basis still remains the inability to hear and appreciate oneself, diffuse personal boundaries. Such a person is anxious and scared alone, he does not feel like a full-fledged person, and he feels life only in merging with someone. Deep down, he feels unworthy of attention and love, and therefore a constant companion of painful attachment is a terrible fear of loss. He interprets any negative sign as proof that he is not loved.

Individuals prone to pathological love attachment constantly live in fear and anxiety, because of this they stick to their partner more and more, it seems to them that if they are constantly nearby, catching every gesture, look and word of their loved one, this will protect them from breaking up .

Important The basis of any addiction is the desire to shift control and responsibility for one’s own life, which a person does not know what to do and will never learn to cope with.

Poles of emotionally dependent relationships

Dependent relationships have two poles:

- People in merging and presenting to each other are not possible. A person gives up his needs, following the desires of another. It’s as if he doesn’t live for himself. Anxiety decreases in actual contact, but there is no pleasure. A person experiences pleasure only when he acts on his own behalf. But there is calm, confidence, security. The mechanism for distinguishing needs seems to be blocked. A person “pushed himself” for the sake of another. This results in a loss of freedom. No conflicts. The slogan in such relationships sounds something like this: “Not because I feel good with you, but because I feel bad without you!”

— Partners always fight. An emotional storm is always needed. If boredom and calm arise in a relationship, then they become impossible. Hysteria manifests itself in screams and scandals.

It is important to note that the criterion for a healthy relationship is the ability to distance yourself from your partner and take care of yourself. Don’t worry that if I leave my partner, he will disappear and leave me.

Characteristic manifestations

If we consider interpersonal relationships, then dependence in them will manifest itself as follows:

• when communicating with a partner, a feeling of annoyance arises;
• confidence that the other half must always obey;
• severe discomfort in the absence of a loved one;
• need for compliments;
• reassurance of mutual feelings;
• strong desire to impress;
• strong fear that the partner will leave or the person will be left alone.

Signs of a codependent relationship

• You're not happy with the relationship, but you're not leaving it and you're not doing anything to truly change it. If you do something for this, then only those actions that ultimately turn out to be ineffective.
• You are not satisfied with your partner the way he is. You want and hope that he will change.
• You yourself greatly adapt to your partner and your relationship. In these relationships, you are not yourself, you are not sincere with your partner, as if you are “wearing a mask”, playing some kind of learned role.
• Such relationships are built on a “swing”: they are either very good or monstrously bad. You either want to be together with your man, or you want to separate and never see him again. You either agree with him or diverge. Either you love your partner and “can’t live without him,” then you hate him or stop having feelings for him. Because of such “swings,” relationships look unstable. You can see an example of such instability in the film “Swing” (2008).
• You feel that you and your partner have a “special connection”, you seem to be an extension of each other, you are like two “halves”, but at the same time there is no true closeness between you.
• In your couple, the responsibilities and boundaries between you are confused - it is not clear where the personal space of each of you is, it is not clear who is responsible for what, and who is responsible for what. You violate your partner's boundaries, and he violates yours. You take responsibility for your partner's actions and behavior, or your partner takes responsibility for you.

Tip 1 – separate from your partner

Getting out of dependent relationships begins with realizing yourself as a separate person. The addict is so dissolved in his partner that it turns out to be something single with two heads, four arms and four legs.

Let's remember how cells divide: from one large cell two small ones are obtained. First, the cell elongates, a transverse partition appears inside it, and finally, pushing away from this partition, the two daughter cells diverge, becoming separate. Not a bad example for getting out of an addictive relationship, isn’t it?

Tip 2 – get to know yourself

After separation, the stage of getting to know yourself begins. If the addict is used to sharing with his partner all his interests, preferences, hobbies, now he or she has to learn his own characteristic traits. It’s very interesting to answer the questions: “What am I?”, “What do I like?”, “What don’t like?” It’s reminiscent of a school questionnaire for friends - entertainment from our childhood, when there was no Internet yet.

Tip 3 – find something to do without a partner

When basic knowledge about yourself is obtained, a favorite activity appears, which does not have to be shared with a partner. Yes, collaboration is great. But each of us has our own unique hobbies. If a wife enthusiastically collects puzzles, and her husband despises this activity, this is not a reason to leave him. You can simply surrender to this pleasure without his participation. In the meantime, he will watch football or play Hearthstone.