In the life of every parent, there may come a certain, rather unpleasant moment when the child does not obey. Refusal to obey can be caused by a trivial reason, for example, the child does not respond when he is called and does not come when he is asked to come. Or the child does not listen when asked to do something more serious: put away toys, sit down to do homework, or finish soup. In any case, you shouldn’t let the situation take its course. From early childhood, a child should feel the authority of the parent and understand that it is simply necessary to listen to elders. Otherwise, in later and “problematic” adolescence, it will be almost impossible to cope with your beloved child.
We have collected for you advice from psychologists on what parents should do if children aged 5-7 years do not obey. At this age, children develop especially quickly, they are influenced by school and a changing environment, so advice for each age will be different.
Why doesn't he listen?
What is disobedience?
First, let's understand the terms. Disobedience is generally considered to be behavior that creates difficulties for adults. For example, a boy stands up at a traffic light and doesn’t go, he’s stubborn, his mother has a hard time with him, and she scolds her son for his bad behavior. It is important to distinguish between behavior that is difficult for parents and behavior that does not conform to generally accepted norms (which can be called truly bad). Of course, both are inconvenient for parents, but there is still a difference. It’s one thing when a child is simply capricious, fights, refuses to do something necessary - and quite another when, knowing full well that it’s not good to do this, he still does it: he fights, offends the little and defenseless, and generally shows aggression. And most often we are faced with “difficult” behavior, and not “bad” behavior.
How does challenging behavior manifest in six-year-olds?
Basically it's disobedience or lying. At six years old, hysteria happens less often than at five, but nevertheless it happens. In addition, the older the child, the more different ways he has to violently express his dissatisfaction.
Why don't children listen?
Reasons for disobedience
The reasons can be different, including purely everyday or psychophysiological: tired, hungry, overexcited, didn’t get enough sleep, scared of something. But most often, through difficult behavior, the child tests the degree of attachment of the parent to him. The reasons for doubt can be completely different: the parent has moved away or stopped talking. That’s why the child checks (or, in the words of psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya, “pulls the rope of affection”): is he also significant for his parents or not? Has something changed in their relationship - or is everything the same?
For a six-year-old, affection is very important, and for him, for example, asking him to buy something is a way to get attention. If they pay attention to him, it means they are attached to him.
Stages of becoming a schoolchild
Psychologists identify several important stages in the position of six- and seven-year-olds:
- A child in the preparatory group of a kindergarten dreams of school, wants to get there as quickly as possible, not quite understanding what awaits him. When he goes to first grade, his positive attitude towards school remains, but he is of little interest in the educational process. First-graders like school life because of its surroundings; it gives them the opportunity to feel like an adult. At the same time, the need to listen to teachers, do homework, show perseverance and be diligent remains in the background.
- The second stage is an understanding of social life within the school walls. The educational aspect still does not interest the student.
- The third stage involves a combination of social life and educational activity, but it usually occurs in the 8th year of life.
How often does a child hear “no” in response to his requests?
Here we are talking about the child’s needs and how well they are met. If we often say “no” to well-founded requests related to natural needs, then the child may react to this with disobedience. This is where the attachment refrain comes in again because the child may be thinking, “If my needs are being ignored, am I even needed?”
When he's tired, he doesn't hear!
It is important to remember that a child, unlike an adult, still has a very weak, undeveloped will, so he cannot correct his behavior through a conscious effort. The brain is not that developed yet. It is believed that by the age of seven the rudiments of will are just beginning to appear, and it fully develops only by the age of fourteen. Yes, a six-year-old, unlike a toddler, has learned to hear his parents, but only if he is not tired.
Fatigue occurs when there is emotional or physical “overload” - and then the child becomes a “rocket rocket”. In this state it is almost impossible to explain anything to him.
What can become an “overload” for a child? An emotional film, an abundance of new information, a large number of people or toys, a bright environment. And this tension can result in hysterics - if the parents behave incorrectly at these moments.
My child is being teased
“They gave my son a nickname in kindergarten and almost stopped calling him by name. This upsets me very much, and he hardly reacts to the name calling. How should we feel about this?
Don’t rush to get upset and draw premature conclusions. A nickname may mean nothing but children's fashion. It can be formed from the first name, last name or some external feature of the child
It is important that the nickname does not carry a negative energy charge as perceived by the child. You yourself will understand this perfectly by the way he talks about it.
- If your child suddenly becomes Piglet, don’t rush to conclusions. Perhaps there is a game going on in the group, and all the guys have turned into Winnie, Kanga, Little Roo and so on. Sometimes the game of one fairy tale ends, and the Potters, Masyanis and others appear. In this case, the nickname has minimal relation to the child himself. Rather, it simply reflects the fashion in the children's group that your child attends.
- If in a friendly environment a child “sulks”, gets offended, and a completely innocent nickname touches a nerve, then it’s not the nickname, but the child. He is probably too emotional, has low self-esteem, or is anxious. In this case, you should seek advice from a child psychologist and find out the reason for this behavior.
What to do if they call you names really offensively?
Don't be offended! Explain to your child that the worst way to react to such a nickname is to be offended. After all, being offended once, he gives a signal to the offenders, showing how much it hurts him. And in this case, the name-calling will become even stronger.
Ignore! Teach your child not to turn around and not respond to name calling. If they try to call him by an offensive nickname, he must be doubly ignored until they call him by his real name.
Give your child a clear verbal formula that he can use: “Who are you calling? Me? My name is Vanya. When you address me, call me by name.”
Let's fight back! This is an emergency measure, but sometimes you can resort to it. When a child who has been silent for a long time suddenly begins to respond, it makes an indelible impression on the offenders. Practice “response name-calling” at home, rhyming the names of the offenders with whatever you can. Usually, after such measures, offensive nicknames and nicknames disappear.
Six is not equal to seven!
If a five-year-old and a six-year-old are quite similar, then there is a noticeable difference between a six-year and a seven-year. At seven years old, the child begins to become aware of himself. If you ask a six-year-old: “What are you like?” - he will answer: “Big,” while a seven-year-old will say: “Small,” because at seven years old a child begins to understand his place in the world. A six-year-old plays games in which he is already an adult: a real doctor or a fireman. A six-year-old is self-confident, he can make comments, be a kind of mentor: “Mom, dad, you need to do this!”
However, although he feels like an adult, he does not realize responsibility for his actions. Responsibility is a very high level of reflection that arises only in adolescence. But although our irresponsible six-year-old considers himself big and wise, his parents still remain a huge authority for him. Therefore, if he does not obey, it is not at all because he does not take them into account.
It is precisely because parents mean so much to a six-year-old that it is important for him to feel their support. And if this support is not there... For example, parents agree with a disgruntled neighbor at the entrance and scold their child in front of her. For him, this is a real betrayal, he becomes anxious, and he again begins to test his affection by disobedience.
Children under seven years old are very different due to the immaturity of the brain; they can behave differently. And difficult or easy behavior depends not so much on upbringing as on the characteristics of the nervous system. With a stable nervous system, a child will be calm and conditionally “obedient”, and vice versa: with an easily excitable system, he will be “overloaded” from any new impression. The ability of the nervous system to inhibit and switch is also important.
Emotions
Emotions in children at 6 years old are still expressed spontaneously. They show this at the time of some incident. For example, if the baby thought that the parent had acted unfairly, the baby would be offended. He will start crying loudly. Compared to adults, children are very emotional individuals. When they are overwhelmed by emotions, they are unable to control themselves. At a conscious level, as much as one would like, children cannot master feelings. Although, not every adult can control emotions. He only gives an appearance, but he keeps everything to himself.
When you punish a child with negativity, bad things happen.
The baby reacts to negative emotions with even greater aggression. A baby can be overcome not only by the emotion of resentment, but also by anger and hatred. He will start to think that you don't need him.
Remember yourself as a child. You didn’t obey, your parents punished you, but you again stepped on the same rake. Punishment for negative emotions will not stop a child from stomping his feet, being offended and crying. This is his usual reaction to the event that happened.
If you put your child in a corner with anger and screaming, the desired result of obedience will crumble to smithereens. Remember, from aggression comes even greater anger. Only you can drive away negative emotions from your baby without generating them.
Lies as a symptom
Disobedience can also manifest itself in the form of lies. Preschool children lie, firstly, because they do not want to lose their relationship with a significant adult. Secondly, because their idea of the world is in some sense magical: when a child says that the cup broke itself, he thinks that he “changed reality” and now everything is exactly as he said.
Useful tips
We looked at what needs to be done if a child does not listen in typical situations. However, there are general recommendations that will be useful to all parents. And it doesn’t matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years old.
- Reduce the number of prohibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
- If an 8-year-old child does not listen, and you are used to solving problems by shouting, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
- If your child does not listen because he is engrossed, try to attract his attention not by shouting, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor will have to listen, willy-nilly.
- Don't voice your demands over and over again. First, simply warn the child to stop playing around, then a disciplinary measure follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
- Try not to use the particle “NOT” in your speech. This advice is based on the idea that children do not perceive a negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
- If children are hysterical, there is no need to appeal to their reason at this moment. Calm down yourself, confirm your demand again without raising your voice. This happens more at 8 or 9 years old, but with young children a distraction maneuver will work.
- Be consistent in your actions, demands and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandparents. Consistency will not allow you to disorient the child, who will have no reason to behave provocatively.
- Try to spend more time communicating with your children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of interaction.
- Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child grows, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Ensure this independence whenever possible.
- Show genuine interest. Find out what your grown-up child is doing. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is quite melodic.
Find out how to properly punish a child from an article by a child psychologist. It also describes constructive methods of punishment.
If a child at 10 years old or 2 years old does not listen after many months of effort on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.
How not to react to disobedience?
The position “parents themselves are to blame for children’s disobedience” is incorrect, because, as already mentioned, not everything depends on parents. Everyone's children are different, and everyone talks about their needs differently, and sometimes doesn't talk about them at all. Still, there are a few misguided behaviors that are common among parents.
Give too much freedom
A common mistake is the position “the child is already big, let him choose” or “you cannot contradict the child by limiting his personal freedom.” Parents with such views, for example, ask their child: “Are you going to put away the toys?” The child, as a rule, will think: “Of course I won’t, why do that?” The child is lost: “Why are my parents asking me?” This causes him to develop anxiety and, as a result, disobedience.
Children need rules, stable foundations. They want to trust their parents, they must know that the parent’s word is an iron word. Predictability is important to them. From a psychological point of view, we can talk about a free personality only in adolescence, when the child develops the ability to reflect, be responsible, and so on. Therefore, it is incorrect to talk about the free will of a six-year-old child. This all appears gradually and then.
Punish
Another mistake is punishment. When do we resort to this method of making a child obey? When there's nothing left to do. Thus, by punishing, parents literally acknowledge their powerlessness. Therefore, punishment should be avoided by trying to resolve the issue using more constructive methods.
You cannot react overly emotionally to disobedience: scream in a fit of righteous anger, wave your arms threateningly, and so on. You should not impulsively punish while in an excited state. You should not isolate a child or ignore him, because this only increases his anxiety and mistrust. In general, isolation and silence are a manifestation of psychological violence that deeply traumatizes the child for life.
Nod to “psyche”
The third mistake is to immediately write off a child’s disobedience as “mental problems” and drag him to psychologists and psychiatrists. Even if the child is completely healthy, anxious parents are not satisfied with the opinion of one doctor and go to the next until they are finally prescribed something “like that.” Or the doctor himself, guided not so much by medical as by commercial considerations, finds something that absolutely needs to be treated. And it's expensive.
Of course, difficult behavior can be a manifestation of some problems or difficulties in the child, for example, hyperactivity. It is important to avoid two extremes here.
The first is when the child is generally normal, but the parents try to keep him within strict limits, and any deviation from parental expectations is perceived as a mental problem.
The second extreme is when the child really needs medical help, and the parents do not go to the doctors and waste time during which they could help the child. Who, by the way, also suffers from his difficult behavior.
First of all, parents should understand the reason for this behavior. If we cannot explain it with the usual reasons: the child is alert, well-fed, receives enough attention, is not in conditions that cause anxiety, then only then should we turn to specialists. That is, if the child is alert, well-fed, receives enough attention, is not in conditions that cause anxiety, but, nevertheless, is running wild - only then is it worth thinking about the “medical factor.”
Desire for power
There are also situations when children are loved and regularly reminded of this, but children still begin to ignore any requests, and even demands. They are unforgiving, and parents are terrified of not understanding “where their child went.” The reason for this behavior may lie in the fact that the child is trying to find out who is in charge in the family and is “pulling the blanket over himself.”
Advice: Negativity in a child’s behavior is also necessary and important in his life.
It must be supported in certain situations, since its presence will be needed in adult life, in the fight against unscrupulous and stupid people.
The child screams for toys
If it’s difficult to immediately navigate the situation with your child, try to take a “break” for a minute or two. Leave your noisy child, analyze his behavior and try to find the best option to correct the situation. You should not hope that everything will work out quickly and the child will become kind and good again.
Physical punishment is unacceptable
Especially if the cause of bad behavior lies in a crisis of 6-7 years, then this may drag on for 2-3 months.
You need to be patient and the result will not take long to arrive.
If you are reading this article, then you no longer care. You are a wise parent, you will not let some crisis or misunderstanding between you and your children upset your relationship. leave a comment
How should you act correctly when responding to disobedience?
Give attention
If a child demands something, for example, to buy a toy, what is important for him is not the purchase, as we have already found out, but attention. You can offer something in return: do something with your hands, spend time together. After all, hysteria is also an attempt to attract attention, which, as a rule, works flawlessly.
If a child is naughty because he is tired, you need to act as if he is younger than his six years: look him in the eye, sit him on your lap, give him something to drink from a straw, offer him to “breathe, calm down.” The child himself cannot do this, he is small. If he is tired, our task is to switch, calm, and remove him from a situation where the nervous system is receiving too much stimulation.
Calmly explain
How can you explain to him why it is still worth doing this way and not another?
Firstly, it is important to find contact with the child, to be on the same level with him. At the end of the day, he will not hear his mother screaming from the kitchen: “Put the toys away immediately!” You can offer him an imaginary choice: “Will you transport the toys in this car or that one?”
Secondly, there should be few rules, they should be justified and clearly formulated. For example: before crossing the road, you should always stop and look around, because otherwise you will be hit by a car and you will be hurt.
If we still talk about punishment, then the only effective punishment is to allow the child to face the consequences of his behavior. If he broke his toy in hysterics, he should not expect that they will immediately buy him the same new one. If, contrary to the prohibition, he climbed into a puddle and got his feet wet, let him walk around with wet feet for a while (if, of course, you understand that in this case it is safe for his health).
There is no need to directly contradict the child, guided by cliches and stereotypes, but you should make contact with him and look for solutions, for example, through a game that six-year-olds love very much.
Control yourself
A parent's ability to control himself is important. If he feels that he cannot restrain himself, then all he has to do is indicate his emotions: “I am very angry” - and postpone the discussion until later. It’s like with oxygen masks on an airplane: the main thing is that the parent is in a stable and safe condition in order to be able to help their baby.
Praise good behavior
It is important to maintain a good relationship with your child, for example, by praising good behavior. Thus, we almost directly tell him: “Do this.” This is similar to training, but in certain situations it is impossible to do without training - because the child’s brain is not sufficiently formed.
Causes
According to the psychologist, there are several reasons that disable children’s obedience:
- Lack of attention. When a child lacks attention, he does everything to fix it. You can't expect good intentions on his part.
- Revenge. Anything can happen in families: more attention to a sister or brother, divorce of parents, constant quarrels between the father and mother of the baby. The child is increasingly filled with negative emotions. If he feels bad, he does everything to take revenge on his family. He suffers, so you should too.
- Self-affirmation. Do you like being addressed in an order form? No? Children too. The child begins to be stubborn and contradict. By this he shows that he is a person, not a slave. Even if his decision is not at all correct, he has his own opinion.
- Loss of self-confidence. When a child does not succeed in something, and negative criticism is heard in his direction, his self-esteem decreases. He's still small. Remember yourself as a child, did everything work out for you?
Dry residue
Let's try to make a rough plan of what to do if the child does not obey.
First: you need to understand the motive underlying the child’s behavior
This will almost always be a desire to test the parents’ affection, caused by the need for attention, anxiety. Also, the cause may simply be fatigue, overstrain from too much impact on the nervous system.
Second: if the child’s actions threaten his health and life, it is necessary to interrupt them and, having established contact with the child, calmly explain why this should not be done.
In all other cases, the cause of his difficult behavior should be eliminated.
Parenting styles
Often among parents there is an authoritarian style inherent in both mothers and fathers. Parents who raise children in this style simply train them, suppressing the child’s will. For example, a child was asked to learn a poem at school, but he tries to understand it before learning it. But it is important for such educators that the child does not reason, but memorizes a verse or a multiplication table and receives an excellent grade at school.
Authoritarian upbringing creates a dependent personality type
But there are also democratic methods of education. In this case, children also take part in decision making. And you shouldn’t rely on the number of years here; independence can be cultivated at any age. There are just some things that are not negotiable.
If a child is indulged in all his whims, he will become uncontrollable
There is also a mixed style of parenting, where, depending on the mood of the parents, either everything is prohibited or everything is allowed. Children adapt to this style, rushing from “carrot” to “stick”.
