How to neutralize a boor? 5 ways to fight back and not be rude yourself

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Not all residents of the Karelian capital agreed with our article about patient Petrozavodsk residents. “Tolerant... No, gentlemen, you flatter yourself!”, “You’re kidding!” — this was approximately the general tone of the comments left on the site.

Readers gave examples of outright rudeness and behavior that can hardly be called civilized. Yes, this happens. And in our calm city, and in any other. And regardless of the number of boors per capita, ordinary people find themselves absolutely defenseless against every manifestation of aggressive rudeness. And yet it is possible to fight rudeness. Just not the way you did it before. For effective methods of countering boorishness and rudeness, we turned to practicing psychologist Daria Soboleva.

A volley of rudeness... with blanks

Good people and glossy magazines love to give two popular mutually exclusive recommendations: leave or fight back. The first option is the simplest thing you can do. “Be higher!”, “Don’t pay attention!” — you probably remember these tips that were given to you in abundance by your mothers and teachers as a child. And you left, swallowing tears, and then for a long time you replayed the situation in your memories and could not get rid of the feeling that although you listened to an authoritative person, you still did something wrong.

“All simple methods are similar to cheap medicine,” says Daria. - They have a very strong side effect. To remain silent, to push your resentment deeper, not to respond to humiliation - this means creating problems for your own psyche. I call it adrenaline intoxication. This can affect a person’s condition in any way: there are cases when people, poisoned by their own silence, began, for example, to lose consciousness in public places. Others developed persistent hypertension or somatic disorders.

The second way suggests itself - to be rude in response, or at least try. Many even make homemade preparations: “And she’ll tell me something like this, and I’ll answer her like this!” The effectiveness of this method can be measured in negative numbers, but the main thing is that more than 60% of such attempts only lead to regret: “Why did I even get involved in this?”

— It’s one thing if a stranger turns out to be a boor. And if it’s a relative, colleague, friend, this also happens, and very often. So you can add damaged relationships to the list of unpleasant consequences. Combined with feelings of regret and guilt - a thermonuclear mixture. - Daria adds.

Signs of an unhealthy work environment

Rudeness in a team can arise due to a negative atmosphere in the work environment. So the characteristic features include:

indifferent attitude of employees to their obligations, they simply follow instructions, do not try to establish relationships with each other;
if a clear line between work and rest has not been drawn, and there is no normal organization of the work regime, then employees will experience nervous overstrain, which will lead to irritability and nervousness, problems with self-control, and rudeness;
an envious attitude towards other people's achievements leads to the beginning of gossip behind the back of a successful colleague, which over time will develop into a rude statement in person;
rejection of newcomers, fear of new competition also causes rude treatment from old-timers;
shifting your responsibilities to other colleagues can cause aggressive behavior;
a boss who is accustomed to rude communication sets the most unhealthy example for his subordinates, and a negative psychological environment will develop in the team.

You have to be calm and stubborn

Rudeness has two faces - it is either communicative incompetence, or a tool to achieve some goals. As a rule, the inability to calmly, without insulting your interlocutor, convey your point of view to him is a consequence of improper upbringing. The person is convinced that rudeness is normal. Because that’s what his parents and everyone close to him did. He just doesn't know what could be done differently. Another option is those whose parents purposefully taught them to fight back. But how were they taught? They advised to hit, push, or be rude in response. After the first successful experience, the child understands that aggression can be used to defend himself. And after the second, third, fourth time, you become confident that a fist and a harsh word are a universal way to achieve everything you want.

— If you understand that your interlocutor is being rude to you for some purpose, then save your time and nerves and ask directly what exactly he needs. — advises Daria Soboleva. - It’s not a fact that a boor will hear you the first time. Don't hesitate - ask the question again. If he doesn’t answer the second time, ask him a third time. The main thing is to do this clearly and calmly. Sooner or later, the boor will have to at least answer your question, and for this he will be forced to stop saying nasty things at least for a while. And now seize the initiative, explain that, alas, you refuse to fulfill his demand for very compelling reasons. Then end the conversation.

If you are faced with a boor who humiliates others without a specific goal, simply because he cannot do otherwise, modern communication science advises choosing one of three methods, depending on the situation.

Recommendations on how to deal with boors

How to react to rudeness? Psychologists recommend not responding with aggression and showing empathy, using humor and sarcasm to relieve tension. Some life hacks will help you be confident when meeting a boor and maintain composure and calm:

Don't take what you hear personally
. The problem is not with you, but with the one who is rude. Here is one of the situations: your boss called you to work tomorrow. You have completed the task and are in a hurry to report the results in the morning. The boss is sprayed by a passing car on his way to work. How would a normal person react in this case? He will laugh and joke, but not your boorish director. By going to a report on the work performed, you simply fall under the hot hand;
accept rudeness as an everyday occurrence.
You will constantly encounter such people; there is not enough patience and moralizing for everyone. And why go against the mistakes of nature;
try to understand the reason for the rudeness
. This is for you, not for the brute. If a person has not previously exhibited such behavior, then most likely something has happened to him. It’s not for nothing that we often use the expression – what fly bit you today? The answer for yourself will clarify a lot and help you choose the right position in communication;
sometimes just keep quiet and walk away
. This behavior should be used when strangers are rude. You have no way of knowing what’s on a stranger’s mind at that moment, so it’s better to avoid unnecessary problems;
kindness will save the world
. Be tactful and tolerant of rudeness towards you. You should not turn your left cheek when you have already struck the right one. That's not what this is about. Just act like a doctor towards your patient. Smile politely and offer to help. Create a kind of shield in front of you out of courtesy to the boor;
do not discuss inappropriate behavior behind a person's back
. Just sympathize with the problem and change the topic of conversation, then you won’t have to take sides and make an assessment of what is happening, which could lead to problems in the future. Remember that discussing such situations behind your back threatens with the same experiences as direct participation in the conflict - this is the nature of our consciousness.

How do you react to rudeness and boorish people?

I prefer not to take their bullshit to heart.

28.57%

I tell myself when I meet them that they are part of a large and even, excuse me, stupid community.

14.29%

I'm trying to figure out the reasons for rudeness. If I don’t find them, I give the offender a “light.”

28.57%

I am a kind-hearted person. I don’t answer rudely and give only kind words even to rude people.

14.29%

I ignore it. I don't care.

14.29%

Voted: 7

How to respond to rudeness: examples of witty responses

You can respond with dignity to rudeness and insults, but sometimes you need to remain silent. It’s not for nothing that they say that silence is golden. Well, if it is necessary to react, then it is better to do it with humor and sarcasm; unexpected and beautiful answers put a loudmouth and a boor into a stupor. Maybe someone will disagree, they say, nobility is unnecessary for a boor, it should be remembered that a boor is an unhappy person in life, deprived of love and attention in his time, he is only trying to compensate for this with rudeness.

What can you do to avoid becoming like a boor if a verbal altercation cannot be avoided? Just prepare standard answers of different directions.

Answers to rudeness in a smart way

It is better not to react to the attacks of a person’s boorish behavior, just remain silent and leave. Any eloquence is powerless in such dialogues, but there are situations when a witty response to insults can take the conversation in a different direction. It all depends on the specific situation. Here are some witty answers that will be useful in a conversation with a boor:

“How the day began! I didn’t think that such a sunshine would be so hot today!”;
“Listen, can you do it all over again? I’ll record it on my phone and put your concerts on your contact!”;
“Good morning to you too! I respect and love you very much too!”;
In response to accusations or criticism against you, you can ask for specific evidence. A person will begin to look for such examples in his memory; accordingly, he will not find and will understand the inferiority of his position. For example, “Prove to me that I...” or “You have no evidence and facts, and everyone’s language is too much...”;
"Fine. I have listened to your complaints. What are you offering? Maybe we can discuss it over some coffee?”;
You can simply change the subject abruptly. For example, tell a joke. “Listen, all this is interesting, but I can’t, I laughed so hard yesterday...”;
I once heard a very interesting method from a psychologist. Works 100% in married couples. When the atmosphere in a conversation becomes tense, and the interlocutor becomes outright rude, then you need to remain silent at the next attack, then, with a smart look, start looking for a sheet of paper and a pen. Do everything silently and with a smart look, stretching out the time. After this, write a note of a conciliatory nature. For example, “Forget everything. Let’s go for a ride in the elevator” or “I love you so much!”;
"Listen! How much do you think a telescope costs now? Otherwise, you fall so low in my eyes that soon I won’t even be able to see you through a telescope.”

Don't go overboard in such moments. When arguing with strangers, it is better to remain silent and step aside!

Humiliating responses

There are tactics of humiliating responses, but it is better to ignore them.

But if you are nevertheless carried in this direction, then here are a few answers that will help you avoid an offensive exchange on your part:

“I don’t know what you had for lunch, but it clearly works! Your intelligence is approaching zero";
“Do you have headphones? Put them on, please. Otherwise you open your mouth so wide that you inadvertently catch a cold in your brain through your ears”;
a tougher option: “If I had a need to communicate with bitches, I would have gotten a dog a long time ago”;
“Listen, have you ever been loved? A. Well, yes, love is evil...”;
“Listen, when a baby screams, they put a pacifier in his mouth. What do you prefer?”;
“I live opposite the cemetery. If the conversation continues in this direction, then you will live opposite me”;
“The philosophers turned out to be right that thoughts come to die in some heads.”

Avoid being aggressive when talking to a boor. This can lead to unpredictable consequences.

Phrases to respond to a boor

“Answer. Is this a bunch of words or do you have to think about it?”
“Do you think that if you yell louder, I’ll listen more quietly?”
“Did you take your laxative with an energy drink? This is the first time I’ve seen such verbal diarrhea.”
“Is it just me, or have woodpeckers settled in the apartment?”
“How was running in physical education at school? You say five, then you’ll catch up with your circus?”
“Tell me, when God was giving away brains, did you stand in line for the tongue?”
“Have you tried contacting the Guinness Book? I think it lacks a record for verbiage!”
Basic responses to rudeness
Truly the word “Thank you!” – magical. Respond to attacks with this word and see the reaction of a boor.
“You are 100% right. Further dispute is inappropriate."

How do you respond to boorish people if you have to?

I send them to erotic places on foot... Why waste energy and nerves on them?

Constructively. I point out that their rudeness is not appropriate. Sometimes it helps, sometimes you have to bring “heavy artillery” into battle.

33.33%

I try not to answer. I always think that it’s better to let it “discharge” than to get it to someone else.

33.33%

I answer calmly. I prefer to wish you good day, morning or night. It may be a joke, but it works more often than not.

33.33%

Voted: 3

To a statement from a boor that “you, idiot and fool!”, You can always counter with the following phrase: “Yes, I have a certificate. Do you think it’s smart to prove and argue with a fool?”

To attack: “Are you pretending to be smart?” Answer: “I didn’t know that you have problems communicating with smart people?”

Try to rush the boor in your conclusions, for example, “Get closer to the point. I'm in a hurry. Let’s finish or we’ll talk later.”

Are you scamming me?
Do you consider yourself a chicken or a rabbit?
You are scaring me?
Of course not, do I look like a mirror?
“We’ll talk when you calm down.”

A compliment in the midst of an argument always disarms a boor: “I look at you and never cease to wonder: how do you manage to look so beautiful?”

After listening to the complaints, simply answer: “Happiness and health to you!”

Try to be above the situation, do not delve into it; the task of curbing boorish behavior is always to stop boorish communication.

Method one. “More precisely, even more precisely”

Ask the boor a clarifying question. Then another one. And further. And further. And so on ad infinitum. For example, very often, when a dispute runs out of arguments, one of the participants puts forward a seemingly undeniable argument: “If you are so smart, show your money!” In response, you can ask what amount will suit him? Is a gold card suitable or do I need cash? In dollars or euros? Are rubles considered? At which bank's rate? Do you need a tax return? The main thing is to remain calm and smile if possible. Your task is to tire the boor with endless clarifications. As a result, the last word is yours and without any rudeness.

5) Abstract yourself

Is the person really being rude to you? Or are you misinterpreting his actions? Even if a person is truly out of line, can your emotions make the situation seem worse than it really is?

Sometimes people are rude because that's who they are. Perhaps they are trying to protect themselves in this way. Or that's how they were raised. Or perhaps this is their way of expressing themselves. And this concerns only them, and has nothing to do with you.

Some of them may not realize that they are being rude and have no malicious intent to harm you.

We tend to make things worse, especially when it causes us pain. In order to look at everything that is happening more objectively, you can use the following techniques:

Sublimation of anger . In order to look at the situation without unnecessary emotions, you need to get rid of anger. You can talk to a friend or just write down everything you think about this situation and this person. This will help eliminate painful emotions that are clouding your thinking.
View from the outside . Imagine that you are a spectator and looking at the situation from the outside. What do you think and feel about this? Has your opinion about rudeness changed when it doesn't affect you personally?
Change of perspective . Ask yourself: If someone else had been in your shoes during the incident, would that person have treated them in the same way? If it's a "yes", then it's probably just that type of person.
Objective assessment . Observe how the “rude” person treats others. Does he treat others the same way? If this is “yes,” then again, most likely, he is like that on his own.
Friend's advice . Talk to a friend about it and listen to their opinion. This way you look at the situation through someone else's eyes. And perhaps you will see everything in a new light.

Method two. "Moscow is behind us"

This method is only good if your position is completely indisputable and you simply have nowhere to retreat. For example, you reprimand a neighbor who is smoking on the landing, and receive an obscene tirade in response. Do not rush to respond in the same spirit or leave. Put forward a reinforced concrete justification for your position: “Smoke is drawn into the apartment, I have small children there (elderly, allergy sufferers, etc.), it is harmful for them to breathe tobacco smoke!” The neighbor will most likely begin to object, for example, saying that he has nowhere else to smoke. Agree: “Yes, you have no place to smoke, but your tobacco smoke is harmful to my children!”, “I understand that you are only for a minute and just one cigarette, but I will not tolerate this, because tobacco smoke is harmful to children!”, “Of course , you really want to smoke, but it’s harmful for my children...” further in the text. The hardest thing here is to remain calm. You can handle the rest.

Causes

A possible reason is an attempt to assert oneself at the expense of another person.
Before you think about how to respond to a boor, think about what motivates him, why he behaves this way. Let's look at the most common reasons for rude behavior.

The desire to stand out from the gray mass, to attract attention to one’s personality. It doesn’t matter to him whether they will condemn or approve of his behavior, the main thing is that they will pay attention.
A way of self-affirmation. By humiliating colleagues with rude words, a boor increases his self-esteem and feels like the strongest.
Rude behavior is a way to throw out accumulated negativity, an attempt to relieve stress. If a person once allowed himself to behave like this, you need to treat it with understanding. If he regularly fails to cope with accumulated aggression, he poses a danger to the team.
Heightened self-esteem. A person comes to the conclusion that rudeness is the norm of behavior, he does not care about the feelings of other people. He will easily walk over other people's heads and trample on the self-esteem of his colleagues.
Natural rudeness. In fact, the employee is not able to remain silent once again; he says everything directly, without thinking about the consequences.
Aggression. A person sees enemies around him and assumes that everyone is against him. He uses rude behavior to defend himself from people. This is self-defense from imaginary problems.
Inability to correctly argue your opinion, defend your position.
Fatigue, psychological reboot.
Lack of love. Such a person grows up in such an environment, perhaps facing physical violence. So a person grows up with a negative attitude towards the whole world.

Method three. "Yes darling!"

Agree with the boor. But only on what we can really agree on. That is, he has the right to have his own position on a specific issue. For example, many have sworn girlfriends or malicious colleagues who will not miss the opportunity to sharply note that they do not like your makeup, the new suit categorically does not suit you, your legs are too short, and the last report you made is beyond any criticism . What to do? Agree! “Yes, Irina Viktorovna, you and I really have different tastes! Don't like my suit? Perhaps he is not your style! Are your legs different? Yes, I was unlucky. There's nothing to be done - legs are not a luxury, but a means of transportation! Is the report bad? I agree, he is imperfect. I'm working on it."

It may seem that all these methods are based on a fair amount of tediousness. Not without it. But here, choose what is closer to you - the silent experience of someone else’s rudeness, reciprocal rudeness or polite calm.

How to elegantly respond to a man's rudeness as a lady?

You can elegantly respond to a man’s rudeness like a lady.
If it’s easy and simple for men to respond to rudeness, then getting out of this situation with dignity is a real art for a polite woman. How can you not give in to a rude man, but remain a real lady? How to elegantly respond to a man’s rudeness? Here are the tips:

Agree - this method is suitable for people whom the girl sees for the first and last time and for social networks. It is worth remembering Abraham Lincoln. One day a man came up to him and mockingly asked: “Oh, you clean your shoes, really?” . To which the politician replied: “Yes, I’m cleaning it. Whose shoes are you cleaning? .
Show honesty - you can answer any taunt: “Yes, I know perfectly well that you want to hook me. But I don’t give a damn about your opinion . Another approach is also possible: “I know that you want to hurt me. Why are you doing it?" - however, it is less profitable, because it will give the boor the ground for further attacks and barbs.
Intellectual aikido is to agree with a boor, bringing his position to the point of absurdity. You can always find something to answer. But you need to answer in such a way that the offender subsequently looks funny and absurd. Of course, the latter requires wit. But a real lady should always have it in stock.
Self-esteem - a real lady always knows her worth. She is able to turn any joke into an even bigger joke, so that the boor has no choice but to retreat back home.

As for the prohibitions that are relevant for a real lady, these are emotions, retaliatory aggression, irritability, vulnerability and gentleness. Conducting yourself with dignity is the foundation.

10) Upgrade your authority

Rude behavior sometimes occurs because the person does not recognize your authority. If someone really thinks highly of you, chances are they won't be rude. For example, at work they usually talk arrogantly to those who have not proven themselves to be good specialists. Increase your authority. This doesn't mean you should do it solely to please the person. First of all, you need to do this for yourself. How to implement this?

Be a valuable asset. Increase the value you offer. Achieve your best performance in such a way that you become an indispensable unit. Be consistent in your work. Contribute where you can. Keep finding ways to add value every time.
Understand what is important to a person . Answer the following questions. What is important for a person? What does he value most? Focus on this. For example, if a person values efficiency, then by increasing your effectiveness you will be more valuable to him.
Communicate with authoritative people . In an organization, interacting with people in higher positions helps increase leverage. If someone is making your life difficult where you work, it's good to have people who can help you as allies. Sometimes your importance and worth can be based on who you are friends with. It's like the saying: tell me who your friend is, and I'll tell you who you are.

Rudeness on the Internet

Most modern people cannot imagine life without the World Wide Web. Often commentators provoke each other to express aggression, so it is important to know how to respond to rudeness on the Internet. You absolutely shouldn’t be upset, because aggressive people are unlikely to be healthy. Or the Internet is their only refuge, this speaks of their insignificance.

A sharp reaction, active dialogues and disputes are appropriate only in response to criticism from an adequate and self-sufficient person, and not rudeness. If a quarrel arises with a person you know, it is better to meet in reality and discuss everything in private. In addition, psychologists advise communicating with rude people like children. Sarcasm and calm are the main helpers of the victim of someone's anger. And the most important thing is to remember that this is just the Internet, and all threats are empty and will remain on it.

Put up a psychological barrier

Are you unable to avoid communicating with a person who behaves inappropriately? In order not to traumatize your psyche, you need to put a psychological barrier between yourself and your opponent. You can imagine it as an aquarium with beautiful fish. When a boor pours out his negativity on you, abstract yourself and observe the beauty of the underwater world. This method is good when you often have to deal with a person. By carefully studying human behavior, you will understand at what point you need to build an aquarium in your mind. This technique works in most cases. You don't know how to behave with a boorish employee? Every time he complains about his difficult fate and tells tall tales about why he once again failed to complete your task, abstract yourself. There is no need to listen to a stream of negativity and stories about how you have very high demands. You need to understand that other employees meet deadlines, but this individual is always behind on something. You shouldn’t tolerate this kind of attitude towards work for long. Fire a person who not only fails to cope with his responsibilities, but also ruins good relationships in the team.