A 3-year-old child does not obey: what to do, psychology of child behavior, reasons for disobedience, advice from child psychologists and psychiatrists

The development of children has its own temporary characteristics and the age of 3 years is no exception. In child psychology there is even a special term - the 3-year crisis. And this crisis has its own characteristics, causes and ways to manage it. Therefore, if a child does not obey at the age of 3, this article will teach a parent what to do. In addition to knowing what a child should be able to do at that age, it would be useful to know how to teach him to obey.

Crisis of three years

To understand why the baby does not obey, you need to understand child psychology. As a rule, at 3 years old a child already considers himself an individual, an adult with his own needs and desires. Adults continue to treat him like an unintelligent child. Because of this, misunderstandings, hysteria and conflicts arise.

In general, disobedience of a child at 3 years old is the norm. As psychologists and psychiatrists say, this age coincides with a crisis that is necessary for further personal development. It may occur a little earlier or later (at 2.5 - 4 years). It all depends on temperament, upbringing and the degree of trust in the relationship between the baby and the parents. That is, a child does not obey at the age of 3 not because he is bad, but because personal changes occur to him.

How can one characterize the crisis of this age? Children begin to develop such traits as stubbornness, negativism, obstinacy, self-will, rebellion, devaluation, and despotism. Psychologist L. S. Vygotsky believed that these qualities are necessary for the formation of a sense of recognition and self-esteem, although they create difficulties for adults. Modern psychiatrists completely agree with this.

How to survive it

Attachment theory does not identify the age of three as a separate stage of development, since the timing of the formation of brain regions responsible for social behavior is very individual.

Although the stages of emotional maturation are the same for everyone, the speed is different . Some people experience this crisis at 2-3 years, others at 5-6 years. Helping children pass these steps sooner or later is a daunting task.

And first, in order to cope with raging emotions, you need to thoroughly understand their mechanism. Do you want your son not to run away on the highway, so that your daughter does not cry at the store shelves, demanding to buy everything, so that the elder does not beat the younger? So where can we look for the magic button that would turn off unwanted behavior?

First of all, let's look in the mirror. What happens to us when we are faced with disobedience and aggression from our own child?

In general, we can call this the strongest frustration – disappointment in oneself, one’s capabilities. A wonderful, loving parent suddenly finds herself unable to perform basic responsibilities.

Our blood ties no longer work, moreover, our cute cub suddenly attacks us with childish strength. It’s as if he’s been replaced, his character has become completely uncontrollable, he almost screams, insults his mother, and can hit his father.

We are angry because what is our birthright - parental authority - has been taken away from us. We are confused and demoralized because control and safety are vital in a relationship with a small, defenseless creature, and the system has gone berserk. Finally, we may feel unbearably ashamed of what people around us will say.

In order not to fall into panic and impulsive actions, it is important not to succumb to feelings of guilt if those around you impose it on you .

No one has the right to grade you as a parent. A 3-year-old person's hysterics does not mean that he was raised poorly. He does not arrange it on purpose, not to spite anyone.

Your responsibility now is one - to provide him with emotional security, to help him get through trouble with minimal losses . Is the public unhappy? It’s okay, they are adults, they will somehow cope with their experiences.

Useful links on the topic: Naughty three-year-old: how to cope with the elements? What to do if the child is nervous and disobedient?

Children's negativism and hostility are the most difficult moments for mothers and fathers, and, unfortunately, no one teaches how to react correctly in order to get through them without losses. Because this is where they happen.

Children never see their aggressive actions from the outside, but they forever learn the reactions of loved ones . They don’t remember how they behaved, but they remember how they were punished. And if a person significant to them, having lost control, falling into despair and guilt, loses his adulthood, then the scale of the accident increases many times over, and the consequences can affect for a very long time.

Having ruled out threats to life and health, we are left with the need to deal with emotions. After all, the reliability of your connection, and therefore the safety of your son or daughter, depends on them.

Defending independence

At 3 years old, children begin to separate themselves from other people, realize their capabilities and feel like a source of will. Toddlers compare themselves to adults and want to do the same things they do. For example, “I’m already big, I’ll tie my own shoelaces!” At the same time, the child begins to feel autonomy from mom and dad. He realizes that he is a separate person who has his own desires, preferences and tastes. This contributes to the formation of internal protest, so a child of 3 years old does not listen and becomes hysterical. For example, he may call names, break toys, offend other children, or refuse to eat the porridge that his mother cooked. Because of this, adults get the impression that the child is simply testing their nerves.

The kid behaves disgustingly only because it seems to him that adults want to limit his freedom with some kind of conventions and rules. And with his disobedience he begins to test how significant these boundaries are for others and what will happen if they are violated.

Demonstration of independence

Children at 3 years old want to be perceived as adults, so they are very offended if they are called small. At this age, a positive self-image develops, so kids love to flaunt their successes and be the center of attention. Achievements add optimism to them, which allows them to consider themselves good. Moreover, I want to do everything on my own, without anyone’s help. A 3-year-old child does not obey his parents, because every immutable truth is questioned. There is absolutely no desire to do everything only at the direction of adults. Only a thorough review of the rules of behavior can help shape your view of the world.

What to do?

A 3-year-old child does not obey so much that it seems that nothing can be done about it. Parents simply give up and follow the lead of their little monster. For example, it’s easier for a mother to put away toys herself than to endlessly ask a toddler to do it. But we cannot remain inactive, otherwise the situation will worsen. If incorrect behavior is not stopped, the child will feel permissive. But it is important to understand how to properly meet the child’s needs in order to adjust his development in the right direction.

Three in one

Sometimes we ourselves give out so much information that there is more to do on the weekend. The only difference is that we understand that we risk forgetting some things, so we write them down. So why are we surprised when a child forgets the “list”?

Our requests and TS should be simple and understandable, without unnecessary details, which can often be left to the child’s discretion. All such details can veil the information and make it incomprehensible to the little one.

Imagine! If the instructions (any, for example, a recipe) contained not only instructions on what to mix with what, how to cook or bake, but also a bunch of details. How flour is obtained, how much and how to grow wheat, where they made the nuts for the combine that harvests the crop. And so on for each ingredient. Tell me, what would you understand?

So children won’t understand if you tell them a lot. “Wordiness kills thought.”

Advice! “Lighten” your words and requests if you want them to reach their goal. One request - one action!

The phrase is not correct: “clean up your room, put on your pajamas, brush your teeth and go to bed.” Correct: “Take the toys off the floor.” The child cleaned up and reported. You are well done! Brush your teeth." Etc.

Maintaining a daily routine

Most parents do not standardize the baby's day, and make a mistake. It is very important to separate moments of feeding, educational activities, play and rest. You need to allocate time for each component, preferably at the same hours. This will help your baby form the habit of following these rules. It becomes clear to him that certain events are followed by others. As a result, the child ceases to be irritable, aggressive and anxious. If there is no regime, then you should not be surprised that a 3-year-old child does not obey. He simply does not know what to expect and what he will need to do next.

But how to educate him? How to make him obedient?

Finally, the good news is that according to attachment theory, there is a magic button for stopping bad behavior in children . And it’s called “strengthening the connection.” You need to press it in the morning, afternoon and evening 15-20 times per hour, or at night. It is possible during a seizure with screaming and throwing toys, although it is perhaps more effective after it.

Considering how fragile and sensitive a baby’s psyche is, how deeply he can experience anxiety due to any fleeting separation and loss, it makes sense to build an emotional security system for him, with an emphasis on the reliability of your attachment .

Here are simple but well-working tips for reducing anxiety: Give a generous invitation into your life. We hug at least 20 times a day, cook together, set the table or put things in order.
Second: throwing a bridge when parting. Separation is not forever! Mom will now go to the store, we will wave to her through the window, and when this arrow is on here, upstairs, she will ring the doorbell and we will open it for her. This way, the separation becomes less incomprehensible and alarming.
Third: a method that I would call “white pebbles”. They were abandoned by Hansel and Gretel on their way out of the house, and they were able to use them to return home. When parting, we give the baby something that will remind him of a significant adult: a small photograph, a hairpin, a coin. If we go for a walk, we'll take it with us

Next: rituals. Rules and traditions, such as returning home, have a calming effect. Wash your hands, put on slippers, check your fleet, and so on. These understandable and expected events will help you switch from one activity to another, say, interrupt the game and leave your friends in kindergarten. Some children even come up with traditions themselves, for example, a special goodbye when going to bed (sleep is also a parting for them, which is why it is so difficult for them to fall asleep). Conscious and systematic building of multiple connections reduces general anxiety and provides support in difficult times.

Prohibitions and restrictions

Of course, if you allow everything to the little man, then in the end it will result in disobedience. Once you make a concession, there is a high risk of finding yourself in a disadvantageous position. Then you shouldn’t be surprised why the little one behaves like a little devil.

In fact, it is very easy for parents to lose their authority in the eyes of their child. Therefore, it is necessary to explain to him from an early age what is allowed and what is prohibited. This rule should apply to all children of any age. Prohibitions are an integral part of proper upbringing. If they are not introduced, then the end result is obvious - the child does not obey. By the age of 3-5, children usually begin to clearly understand what they can do and what they can’t do.

Fair prohibitions and restrictions are useful for developing in a child an adequate attitude towards himself and the world. If everything is allowed, he will soon stop appreciating what he has and will take everything for granted. In addition, many prohibitions are necessary for the safety and health of children.

But you should understand that you don’t need to limit your child in everything. Otherwise, you can create obstacles to development. If a three-year-old toddler behaves ugly, he does not realize it. He just wants to feel important and important.

The main mistakes of adults

Komarovsky explains to parents what not to do during a child’s 3-year-old crisis. He lists possible mistakes adults make and gives advice on how to prevent them:

Don't scold the baby. Negative emotions aggravate the course of the crisis. While praise for doing the right thing will reinforce positive skills.
Don't limit his independence. By doing something yourself, the baby will enjoy his achievements.
Don't criticize for any reason. By scolding a child for failure, adults discourage him from trying to cope with the task again and again.
Don't insist on your own. This provokes stubbornness. Please advise me to do something differently.
Do not show violence in any way. This mistake will negatively affect the mental development of the baby.

In addition, Komarovsky warns against coaxing a child and using different methods in education on the part of parents. Having stopped the attack with a new toy, adults make a grave mistake - they make it clear to the baby that whims and screaming can get what they want.

Justify punishments

If a 3-year-old child does not obey, what should I do? Of course, he needs to be punished. But your method of influence must be explained. The child must understand that he did something wrong and why exactly he is being punished. Otherwise, he may become very angry and harbor a grudge for many years. Sometimes parents think that everything is already clear here, and there is no need to explain the reason. But that's not true. Little ones are not yet able to instantly compare all the facts and come to the appropriate conclusions. If you calmly explain everything to the child, then he will no longer be so offended, and he will begin to reflect on his action.

How should you punish your child? Many parents use not only verbal, but also physical methods of influence. Psychologists and psychiatrists note that the latter methods are absolutely unacceptable. Research shows that this measure does not improve emotional contact between children and adults, but, on the contrary, alienates them from each other. Physical punishment leads not only to misunderstandings in relationships, but also to the formation of grievances and various complexes. As a result, the grown-up child will behave inappropriately, aggressively and become uncontrollable.

Is it okay to punish young children verbally? What do experts think about this and what advice do they give? A child of 3 years old does not obey only for the reason that this cannot be stopped in any way. Wrong behavior must be corrected - this is what psychiatrists and psychologists think. If the baby behaves inappropriately, the father or mother should immediately express their opinion and make it clear that they do not approve of such actions. Punishments like “Then I won’t buy a toy” or “You won’t watch TV” are absolutely ineffective. If a child indulges in pranks or is capricious, it will be enough to calmly reprimand him and explain without shouting why he should not behave this way. This method of influencing a disobedient child will be the most correct.

Positive points

Dr. Komarovsky notes that crisis situations that occur with the whims and hysterics of children and frighten parents have not only negative sides . During the crisis, both of them gain positive experience of communication and development.

Positive influence on children

First of all, Komarovsky emphasizes that by denying established orders and rules of behavior, the baby receives the first experience of developing independence. This creates the preconditions for awareness of personal self-esteem.

Among the positive aspects resulting from the 3-year-old crisis in children,
the pediatrician notes:

formation of primary independence;
development of a new level of self-awareness;
the ability to establish interpersonal contacts and build more complex social relationships;
the child’s mastery of volitional regulation of activity.

According to the pediatrician, the role of parents in the correct course of these processes is undeniable. They are the ones who can prevent the likelihood of negative consequences in overcoming the crisis.

About the benefits for parents

Parents also learn new communication skills with their children. They learn them by following Komarovsky's advice. Namely:

learn to listen to their children;
solve problem situations together;
reevaluate ineffective parenting methods, listening to specialist recommendations.

The main thing is to give up authoritarianism towards the child. This creates the preconditions for establishing friendly relationships and quickly overcoming the crisis of a three-year-old child.

Separate action from personality

Psychologists also note that parents often make the mistake of verbally punishing their child. If he does something bad, he is immediately called bad. But this is not so. The kid simply did something that contradicts society's ideas about norms.

If a 3-year-old child does not listen, what should he do and say in this case? It would be correct to say that the act is ugly, therefore it characterizes the person from the bad side. With this approach, the child’s personality itself is not affected. One must be extremely careful in choosing expressions. At this age, it is very easy for children to believe in their worthlessness and inferiority. As a result, the child will not obey, but on the plus side he will develop self-doubt.

Briefly about Dr. Komarovsky

Evgeny Komarovsky is known as a pediatrician and a favorite of parents who want to raise a healthy baby, as well as instill in him the necessary life skills.
He is able to convey to fathers and mothers in a simple and accessible form important information not only about childhood diseases, but also about how to raise a child, and also teach them to understand their child.

Candidate of Medical Sciences Evgeniy Olegovich Komarovsky is also known as the TV presenter of the famous program “Doctor Komarovsky’s School.” He is the creator of the social network ClubCOM and the website Komarovskiy.net, the author of popular science books and numerous articles.

The most popular is his book “The Health of the Child and the Common Sense of His Relatives” , in which he puts at the forefront a reasonable approach to the problem of the health and upbringing of children.

His calling card is his great love for children and the sense of humor with which he explains to parents the basics of communicating with a child.

Is it possible to give in to a child?

Children, even at an early age, are quite smart. Therefore, they quickly realize that they are constantly being inferior. But adults should not give in, especially if their child makes a scene. In situations where a 3-year-old child does not obey, Evgeniy Olegovich Komarovsky, a famous doctor and writer, recommends that adults ignore tantrums and other inappropriate behavior. Children's crying and whims test the strength of their parents' nerves. If you remain calm and do not react in any way, the impact of hysteria will be postponed until the next incident, and over time it will be completely forgotten.

Of course, you need to approach everything wisely and in some cases give in to your baby, because he is just learning about this world. According to experts in the field of psychology, those things that contribute to the development of character and help to remain safe should always remain unshakable. For example, a child should know from an early age that it is forbidden to play on the road, run a red light, play with fire, or make noise in a public place. You can and should give in to the little one if he is sick. At such moments, children should receive special support and attention. If a child wants a desired toy, then it should not be bought on demand, but, for example, for the next holiday. This way the baby will learn to understand that everything costs money and is not given for nothing.

To avoid hysteria, warn in advance

There are many tears when a child is engrossed in a game, but adults need to interrupt this game for some reason. Either it’s time for dinner, or to go home, or to sleep. It can be difficult to stop the game instantly, and the “Warning” technique is suitable here.

It is better to warn the child in advance, give him time to finish, and help bring the plot of the game to its logical conclusion. In order for the pyramid to be assembled, the train had time to complete its route, all the fairies returned safely to their cribs, and the winner was determined in the robot duel.

After all, it can also be difficult for us, adults, to suddenly switch from one type of activity to another. It takes some time to pause the matter, bringing it to its logical point. Finish a chapter, finish a letter, finish watching a news story, finish cleaning. It is clear that if something emergency happens, we will drop everything and run. But it will be stressful.

For a child, a sudden switch to another activity is also stressful. He reacts to stress with tears. If nothing urgent has happened, I think it is possible to show respect for the child’s activities and help complete the task he is currently busy with.

This technique also works with older children. There was a period when I was very annoyed that I had to wait a long time for the children to come to the table, calling them several times. They usually came running after an ultimatum: “If you don’t come now, I won’t feed you!”

Once, while visiting my mother, I myself found myself in the role of such a child. Mom called me to the table, and it was very important for me to finish the chapter before the thought flew out. I was so carried away by the completion process that I only woke up to the question: “It’s almost cooled down. Should I warm it up? Or should I put it in the refrigerator already?” Since then, I began to agree with the children when (what time) we would have dinner, so that they would try to complete all their work by this time.

A child does not obey at 3 years old: advice from psychologists and psychiatrists

Do not be fooled by provocations, talk patiently with the child in a calm tone.
Do not give up, defend your position to the end.
When hysterical, you don’t need to tell them that it’s bad. This will only increase the crying and screaming. It is better to ignore or divert attention to something else.
You cannot force a child to act directly. It is much more effective to do this in a playful way.
You can change your desires. For example, “Today you won’t be able to buy ice cream, but juice and fruit yogurt are easy!”
If the baby requires something, you can give him the right to choose, but only from those options that are suitable for an adult.
Always encourage children for showing independence.

When a three-year-old doesn't listen, you need to be patient, understanding, and diplomatic. Do not forget that the child is learning about the world and is still learning to behave in it.