Stubborn child: reasons, characteristics of upbringing, levers of influence

A stubborn child is a child whose behavior causes problems of an emotional and educational nature (in the family, kindergarten, school), such as the presence of constant disputes and disagreements on serious issues and because of minor trifles, reluctance to hear someone else’s point of view, as well as situations , causing an increase in danger to the child’s life (lack of obedience on the roadway, neglect of home safety rules, etc.).

Raising a stubborn child becomes a test for the nervous system of parents, but you can ease your fate a little by knowing that the first signs of stubbornness will appear at the age of two, accompanying the crisis of the third year. During this period, the most common thing you can hear from a previously sweet and obedient child is protests and negative responses. Such behavior is associated with the discovery of one’s own boundaries and difference from the outside world, after which the desire is born to test these boundaries and consolidate one’s individuality through opposition and disobedience.

This is a way of testing the world and one’s own capabilities and ability to stand up against others. A further increase in stubbornness is expected for the next crisis (around five to seven years), where the motivation will be the same desire to assert one’s position and value in the world, but if at a younger age these were monosyllabic protests and refusals, now the child begins to resist whole sentences, subject to their own logic, which is often difficult to argue with, but at the same time it is quite offensive to loved ones. Children do not yet know how to filter their statements, anticipating the painful reaction of those who are dear to them, while they feel their own victory over an adult and omnipotent species, seeing how their parents become weak or become emotionally defeated.

A very stubborn 5-year-old child is capable of upending the entire family system with his energy, since he enters into confrontation at the slightest hint of infringement of his opinion, even where this was not planned. Any means are used to prove independence, but there is still no understanding that any independence carries not only constant indulgence, but also responsibility, i.e. fear and restrictions during protest behavior are practically absent.

The next stage, when parents again encounter the stubbornness of their child, is adolescence, as the most famous and severe personality crisis. The child begins to rebel against the whole world and it is good if by this time the relationship with the parents has already been clarified, and they can remain a reliable rear and place, otherwise what is happening at home may begin to resemble a war or lead to a severance of family ties.

Give space to the child

From the first years of a child’s life, parents little by little try to teach him independence, responsibility for all his actions and independence of judgment. It is difficult for adults to stay on the edge - not to “stifle” with their advice and total control, not to “crush” with authority, not to exaggerate with the number of threats, punishments and praise.

But even advanced mothers who constantly analyze their teaching experience and the mistakes they make, giving their children the opportunity to freely communicate, have their own opinions, feel equal, and at the same time be loved and pampered, can raise a stubborn, capricious child.

How to deal with a child with ADHD?

In addition to drug therapy, the doctor will prescribe behavior correction for the baby’s parents. This:

• avoiding too high demands on the child;
• adherence to daily routine;
• frequent praise of the baby;
• teaching the child proper relationships with peers;
• introducing the child to social norms in a playful way.

Parents should try to create situations for their child in which he can show his strongest sides. To do this, it is better to use various games in which physical activity is combined with moments of a calm state.

Swimming, modeling, and dancing help correct the behavior of a hyperactive child. But you also cannot do without drug treatment.

Let's talk about stubbornness

Stubbornness is not a completely negative human character trait. Its positive features include self-confidence, correct perseverance, adequate self-esteem (of one’s strengths, intelligence...). Stubborn people know how to set a goal and achieve it, even if the circumstances and people around them resist. On the other hand, a very stubborn child from time to time will not take into account the opinions of mom and dad and especially grandparents (if they, of course, take part in upbringing), respect them (or pretend to). For adults this is a really difficult situation. Raising a stubborn child can turn into a difficult, exhausting, and sometimes futile struggle for parents and older generations. Moreover, this is a struggle not “for”, but “against” - the dearest, most beloved and so dependent on adults little person.

When should stubbornness be treated?

We have listed the internal and external causes of stubbornness in children. However, it also happens that a child’s intransigence is only a symptom of serious problems, which will be very difficult to cope with without a specialist.

If the baby is stubborn, categorical, does not want to compromise and is prone to hysterics, his sleep and appetite are disturbed, he gets tired quickly or complains of headaches, perhaps you are faced with a real neurosis. It can go away on its own along with the disappearance of the negative situation. For example, some time after changing your daily routine or moving. But it may also require the participation of a neurologist and a child psychologist if it is not possible to independently identify the cause of the development of such a condition in the baby and eliminate it.

It is also worth consulting with a doctor if the child is not just stubborn, but is prone to hysterics, gets angry and irritated for no reason, tries to intentionally cause pain, reacts sharply to changes in the situation and does not satisfy his own needs immediately. In this case, a psychopathic disorder may be disguised as stubbornness.

Inability to control emotions

So why is the child stubborn? It is quite difficult to understand the origins of his incorrect behavior. It seems to adults that children who do not yet go to school have an absolutely calm life without worries. After all, they don’t even need to learn lessons yet. But psychologists believe that stubbornness first appears in children at the age of three: it is then that children begin to evaluate their personality and themselves in a completely new way. At this age, children begin to become acquainted with new emotions, but they have not yet learned to control them. The result is a very vivid reaction to words and events. It manifests itself in the form of whims, disobedience, hysterics and resentment.

Stubborn children

What is stubbornness?

A child’s stubbornness is one of the most important and problematic topics in raising children.
It is possible that in children's stubbornness, many adults see a challenge to the teacher's own competence, a threat to their authority in the eyes of the child. It is this circumstance that makes adults want to fight stubbornness, without understanding the reasons why the child behaves this way, without trying to understand that an adult can, through his own behavior, further provoke the child’s resistance. Tenaciously striving to prove that they are right and competent, insisting on their own, adults show the same stubbornness. It turns out to be a vicious circle, where the stubborn behavior of one person gives rise to the same reciprocal stubbornness of another. Persistence and stubbornness should not be confused. Perseverance occurs when a child wants to get something and achieves it. Stubbornness is the reaction of a child who insists on something not because he really wants it, but because he himself told adults about it and demands that his opinion be taken into account. He cannot change his original decision even under changed circumstances. A stubborn child insists on something he doesn’t want very much, or doesn’t want at all, or has long since stopped wanting.

During a bout of stubbornness, children produce large amounts of adrenaline, a hormone that causes stress. They throw themselves on the floor, kick their legs, wave their arms. Or they scream until they lose their breath, and after catching their breath, they continue in a new circle. Or they may remain sullenly silent. If the attack of stubbornness is particularly violent, then the kids bang their heads against the wall or floor. During an attack of stubbornness, children have difficulty hearing and seeing, and cannot stand being touched at this moment. They are unable to control themselves.

Usually the attack of stubbornness lasts several minutes. In severe form, it can last up to an hour. During an attack, the child expends almost all his strength, and afterwards feels empty.

Age characteristics

The period of stubbornness is an inevitable phase of development that a child goes through during critical moments of development at 1 year, 3 years, 7 years and in adolescence.

Features of the first year include capricious stubbornness, which the child uses whenever he is prevented from crawling, walking, touching what is interesting, without offering anything in return or in protest against unpleasant or unexpected actions of an adult.

2 years is the most inappropriate time to deal with the stubbornness of children, since it has not only psychological, but also physiological roots. There is a functional specialization of the cerebral cortex. The left is responsible for logic, analytical abstract thinking, and control of behavior. The right controls imaginative thinking; it is the center of emotions and subconscious processes. Some, as a rule, have a better developed left hemisphere - these are mathematicians, programmers, linguists, while others have a right hemisphere - these are people with a penchant for synthesis, creativity and the humanities.

In a newborn, both hemispheres are “right”, and only gradually one of them begins to “turn left” - it focuses the functions of consciousness, control and speech, which becomes noticeable by the age of 2. A small child needs play, spontaneity, the opportunity to directly express emotions (including negative ones: dissatisfaction, resentment, irritation, fears), and constant pressure, prohibitions, and restrictions are contraindicated. Parents who ignore these characteristics of their children constantly teach, explain, demand the fulfillment of many instructions, overload the still immature left hemisphere, and artificially accelerate its development. A physiological imbalance occurs.

As a result, the child no longer “hears” the stream of parental comments, demands and threats, he fumbles around, takes a long time to get dressed and undressed, which infuriates his parents even more. Constant lectures and punishments only aggravate the child’s condition, and as a result, he begins to perceive everything the other way around, says “no” instead of “yes,” becomes capricious and refuses everything.

The age of three is especially difficult for a parent. At this time, the child begins to realize himself, understand that he is a separate person from others, and a desire for independence appears. The child tries to influence his parents using new opportunities - to refuse, to resist, to insist on something, to run away, etc. He wants to do as he decided, although he may change his mind later.

The next age crisis is around 7 years old, when the child strives to feel like an adult, to get out of parental care, when he wants to take responsibility for his behavior and expresses dissatisfaction and stubbornness when his parents correct him or insist on something. .

Reasons for stubbornness

Until the age of 7, a child is subject to frequent and sudden changes in his life: a trip to a relative, a weekend with his grandmother. If adults do not prepare a child for upcoming events and trips, he may become frightened, overwhelmed and overwhelmed by such sudden events. The child may experience and experience pain from the loss of his usual way of life, environment and nutrition. Having accumulated experience in such situations, the child begins to resist any changes and innovations. He answers “no” to every new proposal.

Another source of stubbornness is the exploitation by adults of the child’s talents and abilities. Having noticed good hearing, the ability to draw or other abilities, parents or educators begin to overactively develop them, turning them into work, something that was done for pleasure. So the child loses the pleasure that he felt from his abilities and sometimes forever refuses them and prevents their manifestation, saying “no” in order to protect his right to choose what he likes.

The development of stubbornness is facilitated by authoritarianism and strict control of parents. If parents are categorical, overly demanding, impatient, make constant comments, react violently, if their demands are not immediately fulfilled, constantly threaten and punish, then the child has little space for initiative and independent decisions. The child is forced to do this and that, as the adult said, he is deprived of the right to choose, the right to vote. However, he instinctively understands that the right to choose is very important for the development of his personality. When this choice is denied, the child resists the attack on his personality and will. He screams, “No, I won’t do it,” or passively protests, “No, you can’t force me.” Stubbornness may be the only way to assert your rights. Growing up, the child does not trust any authority and openly rebels when someone tries to tell him what to do.

Children who are nursed, pampered, indulged in all their whims and desires, often become stubborn when something does not go the way they are used to. It seems to them that parents should always do what they want; they don’t know how to do anything for themselves. Such a child does not know how to make decisions independently, cope with a new situation, new problems, express his feelings in an acceptable way, or take into account the capabilities and desires of others.

Perhaps stubbornness is a form of statement about oneself, about one’s desires and feelings that is accessible to a child. A paradoxical situation arises: a child can express his desires through an expression of reluctance. But it is known that children cannot talk about what they do not know how to talk about, and realizing their desires and expressing them in a form understandable to others is not an easy task. It is hardly possible to solve it without the help of adults.

Children's stubbornness can be caused by feelings of resentment, anger, anger directed towards their parents.

In this case, stubbornness acts as a means of revenge, when the child acts contrary to, out of spite, adults. Most often, this is how deep problems in parent-child relationships manifest themselves.

What should you do to prevent stubbornness from becoming chronic?

1. When dealing with stubborn people, adults must first of all give up confrontation. You cannot demand respect for yourself and not respect others. Recognize your child's right to make mistakes. Let him himself be able to experience the unpleasant consequences of his stubbornness. Making mistakes and correcting them is not the worst way of personal development, and help should only be offered and not imposed.
2. Giving in does not mean showing weakness. The one who gives in shows foresight, cares about the one he loves, and shows the stubborn little guy an example of different behavior. This does not apply to fundamental points where there can be no objections, for example: crossing the road only hand in hand with your mother, going to bed from nine to ten, having breakfast in the morning, etc. But in other cases, you need to give in to the child, then he will feel equality, importance and independence.
3. Before imposing a ready-made solution on your child, ask him what he would like to do. Invite your child to make his own choice, let him make the decision himself. If your child feels able to do something or make a decision without you, he will feel great satisfaction. In the future, faith in one’s own strength will help the child overcome life’s obstacles, he will become purposeful and persistent.
4. Try to avoid situations that cause stubbornness, so as not to reinforce in your child’s memory that by such behavior he can achieve what he wants. Be wiser, pose questions so that they cannot be answered in the negative. Don’t ask your child a question to which you already have an answer and a ready-made solution, but he may answer differently, for example: “Do you want lunch?” Even if the child answers “no,” you will still force him to eat. In this case, it is better to say: “It’s time for lunch.”
5. Don’t spoil your children, don’t allow everything, don’t indulge everyone’s whims, don’t do for the child what he can do for himself. Children must understand that events may not always go the way they want, but they must be able to cope with it.
6. Try to be a flexible parent, set an example for your child to respond flexibly to various circumstances and situations. The development of behavioral flexibility occurs through the development of body flexibility. Let the child be mobile, active, dexterous. Use bodily contact and stroking to relieve muscle tension that forms during reactions of stubbornness and tension.

How to calm a crying, rebellious, angry baby?

• In such a situation, many words are not needed. It is best to quickly and decisively distract the child's attention and attract him to something more interesting and joyful.
• You shouldn’t prove to your child right there on the spot that he should be obedient and not disgrace his mother, that “it’s time to get used to obeying the first time.” It takes a little time for the baby to switch.
• When you don't like a child's behavior, don't shame, scold or punish him, don't give him nicknames.
• Talk to your child about his feelings, show that you understand him. (“I know you’re upset, it happens to me too when things don’t work out.”)
• You can draw anger with him (let it be a scrawl). Then together you can tear or crumple the drawing and throw it away. Read other exercises in the article “Anger Management” (active link to the article).
• You can offer him to do several physical exercises to “get rid of the anger” (squash the anger in your fists, fight with pillows). Perhaps he himself will offer some way to release anger, listen to him.
• Act with respect for the child, kindly and kindly, but at the same time be firm and persistent, do not deviate from your plans. You can offer your child a limited choice (“You can do it now or in 5 minutes”).
• Do not force your child to make promises that he “won’t do it again.” This will only teach him to lie.
• By getting your child to display only positive, good qualities, you will unwittingly contribute to the accumulation of negativity in the soul and the development of nervousness.

In this way, you will teach your child to cope with negative experiences rather than accumulate them. In addition, the child will know that it is the behavior that is bad, not himself, and his self-esteem will not suffer, he will not be tormented by guilt, which is a very destructive stress. The child must constantly be made to understand that he is loved, that he is important and valuable to his parents.

*This material was prepared based on the manual “Learning to be good parents for children aged 3 to 7 years”

Reasons for children's stubbornness

Yes, it happens that a stubborn child grows up in a family. How to raise such a child correctly? To correct his behavior, you first need to establish the reasons why he is stubborn. Most often, the following factors lead to disobedience in children who do not yet attend school:

1. Emotional background in the family. If a child sees frequent conflicts between parents and other family members, then stubbornness will be a natural reaction to this. This is how the child tries to attract the attention of adults.
2. Crisis of three years. Psychologists believe that a child goes through his first age crisis at the age of three or four years. It was during this period that significant changes were observed in his behavior. Stubbornness is precisely one of the clearest manifestations of this.
3. Individual characteristics of a preschool child. We must not forget that the baby is also a person, therefore, he develops his own temperament, his own character. It is possible that stubbornness is simply part of a child's character.
4. Features of education. Treating your baby too softly can often lead to him feeling like he's the center of the whole family's filming. And in this case, children's stubbornness will be a response to any “disobedience” on the part of mom and dad. The situation will be exactly the same in families that practice very strict rules of upbringing.

Stubborn child - what to do

The main thing for understanding how to raise a stubborn child is the desire to maintain a balance between maintaining his independence and strength, while suppressing the belief that the whole world is subject to his every whim. The desire to completely change a child should not appear on your list of tasks, since stubbornness is not his whim, but an innate quality, a feature that has both positive and negative sides. The parental task includes developing strong and practical aspects and leveling out the frustrating effects.

Your task will be to strictly adhere to your boundaries, while you must provide your child with an area of ​​influence. Most stubbornness is caused by a lack of choice, so you can provide it, but within your limits. Those. You don't ask a child where he wants to go and then silently fulfill his whims or prohibit a choice that is not available to you - all this is in the realm of violence. You give him a choice from what will suit you initially, i.e. two specific places to choose from that you are ready to visit. The same should happen with clothes; if you understand that you need to dress warmly, then you do not let the selection process take its course by handing over the child, but give him the opportunity to decide for himself whether to wear a warm jacket with a hood or a hat. This style forms a partnership where there is a clear primacy of your boundaries, but the child does not act as a silent, submissive toy.

In moments when you are unable to achieve understanding quickly and the child continues to be stubborn, then instead of pressing with force (which will cause even greater resistance), put aside your haste and start listening to the child, his arguments and description of his emotional state. This will help you understand him better and perhaps find another way out, because there are times when parents are wrong, on the other hand, the more the child describes his condition, the more aggressive stubbornness will be replaced by a feeling of helplessness and impotence. It is stubbornness in its most severe form that indicates that the child simply does not know how to change the situation, he needs your help and support, but he cannot ask for it directly, since at the time of the conflict you are not on the same side. Your task, by listening to your child, is to show him that there are rules and requirements, but this does not mean that you have abandoned him, he must understand that you are always on his side.

Monitor your behavior and the frequency of refusals - children copy the behavior patterns of adults, and if the child hears refusals to most of his requests or suggestions, expressed desires, then soon you will begin to hear refusals. The baby will do this unconsciously, because he will perceive this way of reacting as normal, and therefore comments and punishments for this will undermine his worldview. In such a case, you should start with yourself and try to formulate the answer as positive, perhaps making certain amendments, but be sure to carry out what was said. And before you fight stubbornness, exclude real facts (perhaps he does not resist writing, but is simply left-handed, perhaps this is not a rebellion against dinner, but his grandmother recently fed him), because to fight stubbornness when this is far from it, and parents are against tyrants can break both your relationship and the child’s psyche.

How to make contact?

In a family where a stubborn child grows up, parents know that it is very difficult to come to an agreement with him. The baby already has his own opinion, and if mom or dad doesn’t agree with him, a serious conflict can arise. Attempts to persuade a child to do something or even force him usually end in an emotional outburst. Parents, on the one hand, should not succumb to such behavior, and on the other, they should not resist. After all, at first the stubborn child will still be the winner. What to do in this situation? The best thing adults will do in this case is to begin to establish contact with the baby, and then begin to re-educate him.

Parents should understand that their child’s stubbornness is not a behavioral defect in most cases. This is how the baby tries to show internal emotional tension. Therefore, the usually used system of rewards and punishments does not give the desired effect, but only aggravates the situation. You need to start with something simple - communicate with your child as often as possible, even when whims appear, adults need to calmly react to this. You can’t stop the dialogue, you can’t go to another room, and you also shouldn’t give in to manipulation. Most likely, this will be enough - the baby will understand that it is useless to put pressure on parents with stubbornness, and will not use it.

Sensitivity, capriciousness and stubbornness are observed with:

• bad mood;
• insufficient sleep;
• hunger;
• fatigue.

Stubbornness will be observed until the child satisfies his physical needs. With unmotivated prohibitions, where the child does not receive reasoned explanations, stubbornness appears, as well as permissiveness, which arises against the background of a lack of proper attention from parents.

The boy sits cross-legged and thinks

How to determine a child's stubbornness?

In order to determine stubbornness in a child, you need to make a table in which the corresponding entries are made:

This table will allow you to assess how often stubbornness is observed in your baby. It needs to be carried out for a month. If signs of stubbornness are observed more than 7-10 times, then this quality must be fought.

In the absence of a clear line in the parents' behavior, the child's instability is observed. If the actions of adults are inconsistent and demands are constantly changing, then this becomes the cause of stubbornness.

Little girl and adult woman eating spaghetti

Reacting to stubbornness

If a stubborn and disobedient child grows up in a family, it is important to learn how to respond correctly to his behavior.

Mom and dad need to find a compromise. And kindly and with patience. For example, a daughter wants to wear a New Year’s dress to kindergarten. She tearfully refuses to try on something else that her mother offers her. In this case, you can agree that in kindergarten she will wear beautiful shoes, a festive hairstyle and an elegant handbag. And you can save the dress for some holiday, for example, for the New Year or the celebration of one of the children. Sometimes you can give in to the child, only by explaining that this is not the result of his whims, but the good will of the mother. Here we mean something simple, but not important situations and serious matters, such as going to the doctor or vaccinations. Let (in very rare cases) a growing child of 5 years old - stubborn and capricious - make his choice and act as he himself wants. Sometimes parents have to let him pay for his mistake.

Adults must control themselves. Regardless of what the baby does or says (“I don’t love you!”, “You’re wrong!”). We must understand that his behavior and character are the result of his parents’ pedagogical efforts and some miscalculations. We need to talk to a capricious baby. Take the time to explain your position and its benefits. But under no circumstances should you put pressure on the child or threaten him. After all, such methods do not work with real stubborn people.

How to raise a stubborn child

To figure out how to raise a stubborn child, it is worth delving into the mechanisms of the emergence and development of such a trait. The predisposition to manifest stubbornness to the extent that surrounding adults begin to anxiously seek answers is the very character of the child, which develops in the process of upbringing and the type of his nervous system, which is determined genetically. It is difficult to do anything with the manifestation of innate qualities; the only options left are adaptation and taking into account existing features. Therefore, the main attention should be paid to the characterological aspect, because children do not begin to be stubborn on their own - this is a response to crisis moments of growing up and the relationships of significant adults.

The most common reason for stubbornness is the desire of parents to completely subjugate the child, leaving him neither the right to choose nor his own opinion. In such a picture of the world, a child’s inability to do what is required (for example, start reading at three years old or tying his own shoelaces after two demonstrations) or disagreement to do something (go to those who offend him, choose clothes for which he is teased) are perceived by adults without taking into account objective reasons and the subjective perception of the child, but are immediately regarded as malicious intent. From this point of view, there is only one solution - to break the protest by force, and then the confrontation intensifies. And the child remembers that he needs to defend himself loudly and using all possible resources, since the parent is not on his side.

Such relationships have an impact on future fate. Typically, such children are quite cruel to their peers, lack trust, and are all traumatized by cold family relationships that are based on confrontation of forces, and not on support and warmth. There are two paths of development here, and both of them lie at the extreme poles - either the child learns to manipulate and becomes a rather tough dictator in his own family, or he loses all activity and submits to outside demands. Such subordination at a young age in adolescence is transformed into a strong crisis period, where all parental systems break down, and those around them receive all the accumulated destructive energy suppressed in childhood.

Stubbornness can appear as a result of the normal development process, for example, a very stubborn 5-year-old child does not want to do everything in defiance of his parents, he just now realizes his independence and separateness, begins to understand his personal desires and their satisfaction becomes an extremely valuable task in the formation of his personality. And when such aspirations meet resistance, the share of stubbornness increases.

Another point at which stubbornness appears is any changes in the child’s life (daily routine, place of residence, new people, many impressions) - this happens as an adaptation mechanism and if you return the child to a familiar environment, then the stubbornness will disappear, or it will take time to get used to it. Bad mood, fatigue, hunger, lack of sleep make the baby very sensitive, capricious and stubborn, and he cannot obey until he satisfies his basic physical needs. A large number of prohibitions, especially unmotivated ones, provoke stubbornness without explanation, but also cause permissiveness caused by a lack of parental attention (here stubbornness is a way of attracting attention).

There is also neurotic stubbornness, which develops from a long confrontation between parents and child, when instead of looking for other ways, the parent decides to take the same tactics and a competition of stubbornness begins. The only difference is that the child’s psyche has not yet strengthened and it is precisely defending one’s opinion that now shapes one’s personality, which turns out to be impossible. The consequences of such upbringing result in childhood neuroses and stuttering, groundless fears, insomnia and speech problems, including refusal to speak.

The absence of a clear line in the behavior of parents makes the child unstable. When the parents' actions are consistent, the demands are always the same and the child understands what to expect and knows that his needs will be heard, the age of stubbornness passes much easier for all family members.

Interacting with a stubborn baby

Raising a stubborn child and communicating with him should be built on the principles of trust. Then it will be a little easier to interact with him.

For the little ones, the option with distraction is suitable. This method will be most effective for those who are experiencing a crisis at the age of three. You can carry small bright objects with you - whistles, toys, books, balloons, soap bubbles. If the baby is stubborn and does not want to leave a walk on the playground, you can whistle whistles, inflate colorful balloons, sing songs or tell poems (the mother should know a lot of them and quote them on various occasions) and fairy tales.

It often happens that nothing seems to have happened, but the child is stubborn. 4 years is the age when fairy tale therapy is still a separate item. Many of the famous Russian folk tales are suitable for drawing conclusions about the harmfulness of stubbornness. For example, “Masha and the Three Bears” - a girl, without listening to her mother, ran into the forest, just like that, out of pure stubbornness. And there she ended up in a hut where a family of bears lived. Everyone knows how it ended. Or “The Tale of Little Red Riding Hood,” in which the girl did not listen to her mother and began talking to the gray wolf, telling him where she was going and why. The result is also known to everyone.

A warm, respectful, kind family atmosphere will be beneficial. Constant “hugs”, things that can and should be done together, occupational therapy (taking into account the baby’s age and gender) will help neutralize the peculiarities of raising a stubborn child. After all, often his stubbornness is just a sign that the baby is uncomfortable, he is offended by his parents, he is stressed, and he does not feel happiness in the house. You just need to love your child, no matter how disobedient, capricious, or stubborn. Then he will learn to appreciate, respect, and love his parents. And, if possible, obey.

Find out the reason

If your offspring has become unbearably stubborn, then the first thing you should do is find out the reason for this behavior. Why is your baby stubborn, capricious and does not want to do what he is asked?

Most often, such a trait as stubbornness appears at three years of age. Therefore, if your baby shows signs of stubbornness at the age of 2, try to observe his physical condition. Maybe he is uncomfortable, he is tired, he gets sick, and so on. Physical fatigue has a significant impact on behavior. Therefore, you should not immediately swear at the naughty toddler.

But at 4 years old this may already be a manipulation with the help of which he has learned to get what he wants. This is a direct result of parental behavior. If you are accustomed to fulfilling children's demands with tears and hysterics, then this will continue until you change your parenting tactics.

Don't worry or blame yourself. Just evaluate your behavior, think about what you are doing wrong and how you can change it. To begin with, I offer you a simple and effective way to deal with tantrums in kids: “How to stop a tantrum.”

Another reason why an offspring can be stubborn is the negative atmosphere in the house. When parents constantly swear and quarrel, the baby also adopts similar behavior tactics. Therefore, I suggest you look at your relationship with your husband from the outside. Do children often witness scandals?

How is your child doing in kindergarten or school? Sometimes stubbornness at home arises due to serious problems in educational institutions

Try to carefully find out if he is being bullied, if he has friends, what he does in his free time

In addition, some parents completely do not pay attention to some features, such as temperament and character. Each person has his own unique character

Therefore, try to get to know the baby, try to cooperate with him, and not conflict.

A bad trait only in childhood

During children's whims, it is quite difficult for adults to control themselves. In front of them is their beloved, adored, but such a stubborn child. How to behave correctly with him?

We must remember that if parents scream and show their anger to the child, he becomes convinced that he has managed to manipulate adults with certain tools. It is quite understandable that when a child comes to such a conclusion, it is not a fact that he will stop being stubborn. Most likely, his cruel experiment will continue.

So, a stubborn child grows up in a family. How to set boundaries of what is permitted? First of all, we must try to understand that stubbornness is a bad trait only in childhood. In the future, she will help the child, making him more confident in his own abilities, giving him the opportunity to defend his point of view in any situation. That is why it is very important not to nip in the bud all the “harmfulness” of the child, not to overdo it in raising the child too firmly, literally from under the stick, and try not to suppress his craving for actions and arguments in defiance.

look at me

Keep calm. It is your responsibility as a parent to act responsibly when your child is stubborn. Don't get angry or raise your voice. Yelling will only make this behavior worse for your child. The more persistent you are, the more your child will resist. Act as a role model. Parents must guide their children, you cannot expect your child to behave well if you do not do the same yourself. So don't be surprised if your child sulks and screams to get what he wants if you have always loudly demanded what you want.

Reasons for stubbornness

There are many situations in which parents worry that they have a stubborn child growing up. How do you set boundaries on what is and isn't okay?

We must immediately point out that this quality manifests itself in children who are two years old. This is due to the fact that children grow up, they develop an understanding that they can influence events or even become a central figure in them. Quite often, such difficult behavior of children helps them increase their self-esteem, because as soon as they begin to persist, parents begin to persuade them or even voice threats. Most of the kids watch this with a smile. Especially if these threats from parents remain verbal.

This is how a stubborn child has fun. How to set the boundaries of what is permitted in communicating with him and in raising him?

The only way to do this is to resort to tougher measures. Parents should come up with a few main rules and try to teach their child to follow them. There shouldn't be many rules. The main thing is that they are uncomplicated. And it is very important not to deviate from the rules you created yourself. The child must understand what his responsibilities include and how he will be punished if he refuses to fulfill them.

How can a stubborn child be punished? How to set the boundaries of what he is allowed to do and what is prohibited?

When you have to raise a stubborn person, it is very important not to show him your own softness. If the baby behaves badly, and his mother told him to go to his room without dinner, you need to follow your own words. After all, a stubborn child must understand that parental words have weight.

If in a store the baby does not ask, but demands to buy him a toy or sweets, you should clearly explain why the mother cannot buy it right now. A motivational system is useful for stubborn people. For example, come up with a rule according to which, if a child cleans up his toys himself, then you can reward him with a delicious chocolate bar, a small doll or a car.

If your child is stubborn about food, you should not rush to punish, but try to figure out what exactly he doesn’t like. There is no need to force him to eat; it is better to try to find a better alternative.

Only a parent's firm and confident tone can stop the child's unacceptable actions. The baby must immediately understand what mom or dad wants from him. You should not ask your child questions like “Why are you doing this?”, because they contribute to the child’s philosophical thinking. You just have to say: “Stop,” “Stop it immediately.” But when the baby follows the order, you must be prepared for the fact that you will have to answer his many questions. He will want to know why he shouldn't play with matches or touch a hot iron. The mother needs to stop everything she is doing for literally five minutes and talk to the baby, giving him a clear answer.

How often do you say “no”?

Parents tend to overuse the word “no” when talking to their children.
When a parent gets angry and shouts “no!” for every little thing, the child stops listening to him. The screams of the parents fade into the background. To avoid leading yourself to such eccentric states, you need to join your child during the day. For example, through stroking and through words, using positive instead of negative (“you’re doing it so well,” “you assemble the puzzle very cleverly and quickly,” “you drew better than me”). Connecting with your child in this way helps him feel connected to you all the time, and this will make him want to cooperate with you.

Develops the desire for cooperation and playing with “yes”. If your child is stubborn, ask him questions to which he will answer yes several times in a row. “You and I always had so much fun playing with these balls, didn’t we?” ("Yes!"). “Should we take these swimming goggles to the pool next time?” ("Yes!"). “Can this dinosaur swim with us?” ("Yes!"). "Show me how he will do it." Three yeses can help break down your child's resistance, leaving him feeling heard and understood. He will be more interested in showing you the dinosaur than in continuing to be stubborn.

Painful forms

The psychopathic form of stubbornness is manifested by unreasonable opposition to everything and is combined with pronounced aggressiveness. The child is not aware of this behavior and does not feel guilty; it is only possible to persuade him to agree to something for a short time. As a rule, in this case, the family requires the help of a specialist.

The neurotic form is observed more often. It is always accompanied by a child’s feeling of guilt about his behavior, but despite this, it arises again and again, since it is involuntary, painful, and even obsessive in nature, being an expression of a disorder of nervous activity due to prolonged exposure to emotional stress. At the same time, depending on the child’s temperament, the following manifestations of stubbornness are possible:

- in fast, restless children (cholerics), the processes of excitation intensify. They become restless and impatient. Their thinking and speech speed up, their attention becomes unstable. The child stops accepting an excessive amount of advice and restrictions from adults. He jumps from one activity to another;

- slow, thorough children (phlegmatic) are no longer affected by ordinary stimuli; they need additional stimulation. The child seems to be sleeping on the go, “rummaging around,” distracted, and sometimes sitting, aimlessly staring at one point. He is always among the laggards, and he gets more than others. Parents, infuriated by the increasing slowness, perceive it as a challenge and begin to shout, threaten or physically punish. Stubbornness in this case is a defensive reaction that protects the brain from exhaustion;

- Sanguine children do not have a predominance of excitability or inhibition. If you rush them or, conversely, limit their activity, the result will be the same: in some ways they will become hasty, overly excitable, and in some ways excessively inhibited and lethargic. Together, this gives rise to capriciousness, instability of mood, self-will and stubbornness, which are symptoms of developing neurosis. In this case, you need to stop tugging at the child, lower your demands on him, and establish emotional contact with him. It would be appropriate to seek the help of a specialist who will prescribe psychotherapy, hypnosis, and restoratives.

The birth of self-awareness

By stubbornness, adults mean disobedience, the child’s desire to do everything his own way, to say “no” when, in their opinion, one should say “yes.”
The peak of stubbornness occurs at 2.5 years and coincides with the development of will at this age, with an acute need for self-affirmation and expression of one’s newly emerged “I.” At this time, a restructuring of social relationships between the baby and the people around him occurs. It is difficult for adults to get used to the idea that a child may already have his own opinion, which does not always coincide with their own.

A child in the first years of life retains spontaneity in expressing feelings and desires, so the demand for unquestioning obedience on the part of adults can cause protest reactions in him, one of the options of which will be stubbornness. For example, by refusing to use the potty or eat on his own, a child is not being capricious, but is protecting himself from the demands of adults that are too difficult for him for his age. If only the parents had waited a few months, stubbornness would not have arisen, since the child himself would have begun to strive for neatness.