What is increased suggestibility: how to determine your tendency towards it

I am your shadow: Why is it bad to adapt to your partner? 13 June 2016, 00:00 | Katya Kozhevnikova

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Of course, any relationship consists of compromises, and in some issues partners must adapt to each other. Love is a constant movement towards each other, otherwise conflicts cannot be avoided. But it’s another matter when only one person is ready to compromise. For the sake of love and preservation of the family, he constantly changes, becoming the shadow of his partner. Let's figure out whether there is a future for such relationships.

Tell me what you love, and I will love it! One of the popular areas of adjustment is the hobbies of a loved one. Often girls who choose this path, together with their boyfriends, jump with a parachute, conquer mountain peaks or feed mosquitoes while fishing. And it’s okay if they themselves like such adventures. It’s another matter when they think about the approaching trip with horror and disgust, but overpower themselves, diligently pretending to be “friends in arms.” At the same time, they give up their own hobbies, not wanting to do anything without a loved one.

Of course, shared hobbies are important. But you can find compromise options, and not mindlessly follow your loved one in everything. Firstly, because it is difficult to be happy when you are constantly making sacrifices. And secondly, the partner may also need his own space, in which his hobby is just his hobby.

It's great when partners have similar life values ​​and views. But it should not be taken to the point of absurdity. This is what a relationship looks like in which a girl agrees with a man in everything and adopts his way of thinking. And he is afraid to argue not only out loud, but even in his thoughts.

As a result, it turns out that only one of the partners writes the relationship scenario, and the “shadow” silently agrees with it. Let's say a man doesn't want to live together, get married and make plans for the future, and a girl has long dreamed of a family, but doesn't argue and lives by his rules. Of course, we also cannot impose our own scenarios. But at the very least it is worth discussing views on the future. At least in order to understand whether the couple has this very future.

So why is it bad to be a shadow? Firstly, by adapting to a person, we reinforce his behavior. And the stronger the adjustment, the less reason he has to change himself. Secondly, it is impossible to endure all your life; sooner or later it will accumulate. And the adjusting party will begin to feel unhappy and will take out anger on the partner.

Besides, living with a “shadow” is quite boring. In a couple, a man and a woman complement each other and teach each other something. And here it’s like you’re living with a version of yourself. One of my friends confessed why, after a long relationship, he finally decided to break up with his girlfriend. “She constantly adjusted to me. In hobbies, thoughts and views. At some point it began to seem to me that she was my copy. Living with yourself is comfortable - no quarrels or conflicts. But it’s not interesting.”

Do you often have to adapt to each other in relationships?

By the way…

Of course, relationships are a two-sided game. And they often adapt to very strong, authoritarian partners. Who dictate to the wife how to live, how to dress, and even what cosmetics and perfumes to choose.

Katya Kozhevnikova , iledebeaute.ru

Characteristics of suggestibility

Photo by Anfisa Eremina: Pexels
Suggestibility is susceptibility to environmental influences and the willingness to accept someone else’s opinion as one’s own. A suggestible person very quickly adopts the habits of those around him, adapts to their mood and is inclined to imitate.

Children and older people are easily suggestible. During illness, a person can be pushed to do things that he would never have dared to do under normal conditions. A typical example of suggestibility: a conflict occurred in front of several people.

A week later, one of the participants, who has the makings of a leader, described her as serious and very unpleasant, while the rest felt that the quarrel was caused by annoying little things that were not worth discussing. The suggestible person, having listened to the point of view of a more authoritative participant, quickly agrees with him. Another non-obvious but striking example of suggestible behavior is yawning. It is possible that having read up to this point, you yawned.

A suggestible person is easy to persuade into an adventure; he does not notice the manipulations and is used to doing what he is told. He doesn’t ask unnecessary questions and is convinced of the sincerity of his intentions. The degree of suggestibility is different for everyone and depends on situational and personal factors:

Who are Highly Sensitive People?

• close environment,
• gender and age,
• status in society
• place of residence (city residents are less trusting than residents of villages),
• fears, phobias and triggers.

The higher the intelligence, the more a person analyzes everything that happens, and the more difficult it is to convince him. The degree of suggestibility is not established at birth. At different times in your life you may be more or less inclined to be influenced. Your temperament plays an important role: introverts usually keep a distance between themselves and others and do not allow anyone to quickly gain trust.

Middle-aged men are difficult to suggest because they have quite strong psychological attitudes that cannot be changed instantly. Women have a more mobile psyche, they are easier to convince and deceive. Especially in a situation where her child is in danger.

There is an opinion that people with high suggestibility are more talented. They have a flexible psyche, are able to adapt to circumstances, are non-conflict, quickly perceive and assimilate new information and are easy to train. The disadvantages of suggestible people include the fact that they depend on the assessment of others, do not know how to accept criticism, and can be twisted into ropes with the help of praise. They believe in the selfless intentions of strangers and easily fall into the hands of scammers and charlatans.

A man of extremes. What is borderline disorder and why does it interfere with relationships?

Imagine that you met a nice person and started an affair. The first few dates go well, but for the next meeting you are half an hour late due to a terrible rush at work. You write a warning SMS, they answer you that everything is OK. And when you finally come to the cafe, the person who previously doted on you suddenly declares: “Let’s better break up. I realized that we were not made for each other.” If you start to find out the reasons, the interlocutor will be confused in his testimony, ranging from “this relationship is too suffocating for me, I don’t have time for love” to “you don’t give me as much attention as I need.” If you shrug your shoulders and walk away, they may suddenly catch up with you and ask for forgiveness for unknown reasons. Let’s say that this incident can be somehow resolved, but in the future cases of strange misunderstandings will be repeated.

The above scene is one of the typical manifestations of borderline personality disorder (BPD), a mental illness in which a person looks and behaves quite normally most of the time, but his perception of his “self” is impaired, he is poorly able to work with his own emotions and experiences problems with an objective assessment of other people (especially significant ones). The exact statistics of its prevalence are unknown, but according to individual studies in Europe and the USA, it affects 5–7% of the population. It is believed that it arises due to a combination of various factors: heredity - to a lesser extent - and psychological trauma received at an early age (but this does not mean that “bad” parents will certainly raise a child with BPD).

Here are the main symptoms of the disorder:

• A person is very afraid of being abandoned and gives out extreme reactions if this feeling does overtake him: he can fall into violent anger, panic, depression, or even do something desperate. The reason does not have to be objective: perhaps a loved one could not listen to his complaints about a bad day because he was going on a business trip and was late for the plane - this would be quite enough for a Shakespearean drama. Moreover, this is not a game for the audience - a patient with borderline disorder will quite sincerely feel rejected.

• Unpredictable contrasts in relationships. Today a friend or lover is an angel in the flesh, and it is unclear how he even deigned such an imperfect “border guard” with his attention. Tomorrow is the disappointment of the century, the most terrible and unreliable person in the world. The tension is aggravated by the fact that people with BPD are afraid of loneliness, so from the beginning of their acquaintance they tend to become heavily immersed in relationships and spend all their free time with friends/loved ones. Not everyone is comfortable with this regime, so newly found “soul mates” usually quickly begin to miss their personal space, and for a person with BPD this is almost tantamount to rejection.

• Lack of a coherent picture of one's self - a person with BPD tries to adapt to others, and his opinions, values ​​and tastes are often influenced by them. This is also why breakups are very painful for them - along with the significant person, the settled image of themselves goes away. In a self-sufficient mode, such patients have difficulty living - if they have no one to rely on, they feel internal emptiness and a lack of any coordinates in life. In case of particularly severe stress, a person may experience so-called derealization - a feeling of unreality of what is happening, as if he were in a dream or in a computer game.

• Impulsive and risky behavior - such people can waste money, break traffic rules, have problems with alcohol and drugs, and randomly change sexual partners. They are often interested in extreme sports. In a severe condition, suicidal impulses may appear.

What to do about it?

Like all personality disorders, BPD is difficult to correct, but some types of psychotherapy give good results: from the point of view of evidence-based medicine, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and mentalization-based therapy are recognized as the most effective. They are not very common in Russia, so you can try cognitive behavioral therapy (DBT is its “closest relative”). It uses a rational approach: the patient is taught to recognize harmful patterns of behavior and replace them with something more productive, compensating for the most problematic distortions in the psyche - a black-and-white perception of the world, emotional swings, poor self-control and problems with self-identity. Most likely, therapy will require a lot of time and work, but the long-term prognosis is quite optimistic: according to a study by scientists from Harvard University, with proper treatment, symptoms disappear in six years in more than 70% of patients. Medications are not effective for this disorder, but they help combat common side effects of mental instability such as depression, anxiety, or angry outbursts.

The difficulty is that for others, the main symptoms of BPD look like “cockroaches” or simply an inability to build relationships, and the patients themselves are not particularly capable of high-quality reflection. But this disorder greatly reduces the quality of life, so if suspicions arise, it is better to consult a specialist just in case.

What is suggestibility?

The level of suggestibility depends on whether a person is accustomed to receiving information from the outside or is forced to do so under the influence of circumstances. Increased suggestibility is typical for people:

• poorly educated,
• with mental disorders,
• prone to anxiety and hysteria.

Easy suggestibility manifests itself in certain situations:

• under the influence of alcohol,

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• under stress
• due to fatigue and lack of time.

With an individual, everything is simple and clear, but there is also group suggestibility based on the “crowd effect.” This is how a close-knit group of people behaves under the control of a leader, for example, let’s remember the notorious citizen with a mustache, where each participant is in a similar emotional state and is part of one large mechanism.

Information from the outside is perceived as if the person is under hypnosis. It doesn't sound very positive, but in fact, there's nothing wrong with it. At certain moments in life, everyone is influenced by the crowd:

• group in kindergarten,
• classroom,
• working team,
• master classes and sections.

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How susceptible are you to suggestion?

A girl susceptible to suggestion blindly follows the advice of others, even if she initially wanted to do something differently. Sometimes she herself does not notice how quickly her point of view changes, and can look comical: a person who does not have his own opinion does not deserve the trust of others.

The portrait of a suggestible person looks something like this:

• timid, trusting;
• vulnerable to criticism, eager to please others;
• with low self-esteem and a set of complexes;
• anxious, nervous, emotional;
• unsure of one's own abilities, needing approval;
• lacking critical thinking;
• suffering from depression, prone to apathy;
• needing a mentor;
• lacking initiative, doubting the correctness of his actions;
• avoiding attention.

Photo by Min An: Pexels
Despite the fact that the list of characteristics paints an image of an unbalanced person with an unstable psyche, some traits are common to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that. You encounter suggestion more often than you think. For example, imagine a situation: early in the morning you are getting ready for work, your spouse tells you that it is raining outside. What will your actions be?

a) You will take an umbrella and leave the house;

b) You go to the window and check how heavy the rain is and whether there is any point in having an umbrella.

If you chose the first option, it means that your degree of suggestibility is at a high level. In fact, you don't know for sure whether you need an umbrella or not. Of course, you can argue that your spouse has no reason to deceive you, but this is exactly how the system of suggestion works. If you can see from a person that he is lying, it will not even occur to you to listen to his advice. The apparent normality inspires confidence.

How to deal with suggestibility

Increased suggestibility will not allow you to become the mistress of your life. It is unlikely that you will be able to build a good career if you rely on the opinions of your colleagues and humbly wait for your turn to speak in the corner of the meeting room. A strong, happy marriage can also be at risk.

A suggestible person is a favorite victim of manipulators and abusers. You can be kind, sweet and friendly, but what good is that if you are used for personal gain? How you can help yourself:

Photo by Mikhail Nilov: Pexels

• develop critical thinking;
• Before you make a promise, especially if it concerns financial issues, take time to think;
• fact checking is your friend, don’t be lazy to check information;
• focus on facts, not on feelings and assumptions;
• Be wary of new people in your environment.

A suggestible person is receptive to any information from the outside and looks like a potential victim. Sometimes, when placed in a supportive environment, increased sensitivity can lead to improved self-esteem and behavior, but a good outcome is unlikely. Suggestible people are more likely than others to find themselves in unfavorable conditions, succumbing to negative influences.