How to accept yourself: 7 ways to learn to accept yourself

To learn to love yourself, you must first accept yourself. Understand your self-worth, unusualness, difference from others. Accept that our shortcomings are a continuation of our strengths. Many psychologists and coaches say that you need to accept yourself for who you are, but not many say what “self-acceptance” is and how to accept yourself. Or rather, they talk about it when their clients identify problems with the process of accepting themselves.

“Self-acceptance is the renunciation of hostility with oneself ” Nathaniel Branden. Self-acceptance is associated with establishing the value of your personality. This is self-affirmation, natural egoism, which should be inherent in a person. Acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable we see ourselves, while self-acceptance hints at a much more global affirmation of ourselves.

But non-acceptance of oneself gives rise to problems with self-esteem, fear of taking responsibility, problems with understanding one’s place in life and purpose. When we accept ourselves, we are able to embrace all aspects of ourselves, not just the positive, more “meaningful” parts. Thus, self-acceptance is unconditional. We may be aware of our weaknesses or limitations, but this awareness should not in any way affect our ability to fully accept ourselves. We must understand them in order to use them to achieve our plans or goals. For example, if we know that we are not disciplined, we should find a job for which this is not very important. If we are afraid to speak publicly, then find an area of ​​activity where this is not really necessary. Subsequently, this will matter much less, when we already have some success in life and our self-worth and self-esteem increase. Then we will be able to work on ourselves and our shortcomings much more effectively.

We need to examine what parts of ourselves we have not yet accepted. Because ultimately, self-love is more about self-acceptance. It is only when we stop judging ourselves that we can gain a more positive view of who we are. Self-esteem naturally increases as soon as we stop being such harsh judges of ourselves. It is because self-acceptance involves so much more than self-esteem that it is critical to our state of well-being.

If you need to understand yourself better, read how to understand your purpose in life and find your path and how to find and understand yourself.

Why can't a person accept himself?

It's all about the complexes that someone else instilled, and the habit of comparing oneself with other people, which was also instilled by the environment. Usually the problem goes back to childhood. Until the age of 7, a child has not developed critical thinking, so he perceives everything that his parents say as the ultimate truth. If parents tell a child that he is doing everything wrong, that he is bad and unworthy, that he has a disgusting appearance, etc., then the child grows up with these very beliefs. Gradually he adopts the attitude of his parents and becomes a tyrant for himself.

And it happens that the family treats the child well, but peers bully him for some characteristic, for example, for being overweight. Victims of bullying spend years recovering from the trauma. Even in adulthood, not all people can get rid of this shadow of the past.

Note! Non-acceptance of oneself is associated with ignorance of oneself. A person does not know what he is capable of and what he wants. He demands from himself the impossible and alien. He is attracted to the happy and successful lives of other people, but he does not understand that all people are different and everyone has their own path to happiness.

The purpose of this exercise

The goal of this exercise is not only to write down all your qualities, both positive and negative.

The goal is to accept yourself as you are and appreciate your qualities. Accept your shortcomings, your bad qualities. The fact that they exist, they exist.

But it’s not just that you accepted your shortcomings and that’s it, you don’t need to do anything else.

You should come to the realization that you value yourself for who you are and accept yourself for who you are. But you can be even better.

And you work on yourself, become better. But without forcing yourself, without reproaching or condemning yourself. But simply walking your own path and in the rhythm in which you go.

And if you want to compare yourself, then compare only with yourself yesterday. Celebrate every positive change, every little thing. Rejoice at these changes, praise yourself for every success.

You will notice how your self-esteem and self-confidence begin to grow every day. You will feel the energy and joy of being you. Notice your uniqueness and uniqueness.

And this is exactly the state of fullness in which any intentions are perfectly realized.

If you want your desires to be fulfilled easily and with pleasure, then the first thing you need to do is accept and love yourself.

Attention! You will find important tips for making wishes come true 2-3 times faster and more efficiently here >>>

I wish you good luck with this exercise and I hope I answered your question: how to accept yourself.

What does this mean?

Non-acceptance of oneself is expressed in a person’s isolation and aggressiveness, irritability, and touchiness. Those who do not accept themselves often get sick. His personal life is not going well, and problems arise at work. He's unhappy.

Some people try to isolate themselves from society because they are afraid of criticism, attention, insults, and also believe that they are not worthy of love and happiness. Other people try to assert themselves at the expense of others, and also, as a defense, create the image of a selfish, narcissistic, arrogant person.

A subject who does not accept himself cannot accept other people. And he is also incapable of falling in love. He does not know how to accept and give compliments, or care about someone. Only by accepting oneself can a person become open and friendly towards others.

Non-acceptance of oneself is caused by an internal conflict - the contradiction between the real self (what a person is at the moment) and the ideal self (what a person would like to be). The problem is that in traumatized people these images are distorted. They cannot create an objective image of the Real Self and create an image of the Ideal Self that is unattainable specifically for them.

For example:

1. An introvert blames himself for being tired of contacts with people, unable to maintain small talk or work in a team, and dreams of becoming the life of the party, a speaker, a training leader, etc.
2. A person with a disciplinary type of thinking (the ability to study one activity in depth) scolds himself for the lack of creative thought and dreams of becoming a famous artist.
3. A woman for whom her career is a priority and who manages to build a business scolds herself for not wanting to have children. She believes that this makes her flawed, wrong.
4. A girl who does not have enough height or other characteristics for a modeling career revels in self-pity instead of finding an area where her height and other characteristics will be in demand.

Every person has something that he cannot change: temperament, inclinations, type of nervous system, height, shape of the nose and ears, eye shape, etc. Yes, external and internal features impose restrictions on certain types of activities. It happens that our interests and desires do not coincide with our capabilities. But each person has hundreds of options on how to combine opportunities and abilities. You just need to find the strength to stop focusing on one thing and look at the world and yourself more broadly.

Note! A person who does not accept himself always has problems in communication. Some people find it difficult to speak and carry on a conversation. Others constantly find themselves in conflict.

Don't panic

Let's be mature. True self-acceptance looks like this:

1. You look carefully at yourself and inside yourself, and then around. You realize what you are like, including in comparison with your current environment.
2. Realistically assess the horror of what you saw. You agree that now you are exactly like this and no other.
3. You try to be kind to who you are, like a good but intelligent mother would do.
4. You decide what is already good (and there will definitely be good), what you cannot change (never or now), and what you want to change and can.
5. Start making changes.
6. …
7. PROFIT.

Now let’s figure out how to go through these complex steps (if they were simple, everyone would have done them long ago) efficiently and without losses.

What are the differences between self-acceptance and rejection?

Let's present the comparative analysis in the form of a table:

Stop pleasing everyone

In an effort to please others, we often forget about our own desires, our health and interests. The most stupid desire is to please everyone, because this is simply impossible. The banal “how many people, so many opinions” should free us from paying attention to other people’s criticism, but no. We still subconsciously look for our own, those who will approve and praise, and for good reason: we are social creatures. And yet, divide public opinion into two: it changes like the wind.

Where to begin

How to learn to accept yourself? Acceptance means stopping comparing and evaluating yourself. This means that a person simply accepts all his characteristics as facts. He accepts and knows all his strengths and weaknesses of character, desires and interests, true inner impulses, external characteristics, abilities, mentality and personality, temperament, etc. He allows himself to be himself, does not try to become like someone else or adapt to someone else's standards.

Self-acceptance also presupposes a person’s forgiveness of past mistakes, renunciation of self-flagellation, guilt or shame. And even mistakes in the present are accepted as a normal element of human life. A person allows himself to be wrong or in a bad mood, to doubt, make mistakes, be afraid, etc. He accepts any of his emotions, feelings and reactions.

Important! When you start working on self-acceptance, be prepared for the fact that it will be a long and difficult journey. Both characteristics depend on how much your self-esteem has dropped, how much you have been consumed by complexes. But, one way or another, you shouldn’t expect changes in a day or a week. The first results can be seen in about a month, and a sustainable improvement in life can be seen in at least a year.

Watch yourself

People try to hide traits and habits that they don’t like about themselves. For example, a shy person would rather stay at home than go to a party.

This is not cowardice, but a defensive reaction: we deliberately avoid stressful situations. We convince ourselves that laziness, greed, hot temper, and fussiness are not characteristic of us, but of the Inner Monster. It can be “closed” deep inside and not shown to anyone. But sooner or later it breaks out. The unloved quality manifests itself, and we experience guilt and shame.

Accepting yourself means recognizing that the Inner Monster is an integral part of you. To begin with, you can observe yourself: what exactly irritates and angers you so much about yourself. This stage can be difficult because noticing qualities that we consider weaknesses is very unpleasant. But in the future these efforts will pay off. When you identify your “bad” qualities and get used to them, they will no longer cause negative emotions.

Ways to accept yourself

Let's look at the basic advice from psychologists on how a person can accept, understand and love himself for who he is. We will also consider popular psychological techniques that help with self-acceptance.

Get rid of excessive demands on yourself

There will always be someone better or worse than you. You cannot always be the first in everything. All people get tired, everyone experiences setbacks. Understand this and stop asking yourself to “be a steadfast tin soldier.” Set goals that are a little more challenging than what you have already achieved. But it's a little more complicated. This is the only way to develop without breakdowns and self-flagellation.

Free yourself from judgment of yourself and others

Learn to praise others and yourself, see virtues and achievements. Right now, make a list of what you can thank yourself for, what you respect yourself for. And then make the same list for your friend. Start communication with a compliment, gratitude or praise. Learn to step into another person's shoes. To begin with, you can do a written analysis of problematic situations - gradually it will become a habit and you will do it mentally.

Get rid of envy

People envy only one thing - happiness. This can take any material or intangible form, but the essence is one thing - everyone wants to be happy. The problem is that there is no universal secret to happiness. People think that if they have something to envy, they will automatically become happy, but this does not happen.

For example, some provincial residents dream of moving to Moscow, and when they succeed, they realize that there was no happiness, and maybe there are even more problems. This happens because it's about them, and not about where they live or anything else. For example, it turns out that a person simply did not have enough work to his liking in his hometown. Due to internal problems, he could not understand what his calling was.

Act

Self-acceptance does not mean that a person should not change anything about himself. On the contrary, a lot will have to be changed and broken. Self-hypnosis and compliments alone won’t get you far; you need to back it up with actions. For example, volunteering will help a person regain a sense of self-worth. And getting rid of bad habits will strengthen your self-confidence. Developing the inclinations invested by nature will help you achieve success in your profession. Expanding your horizons will allow you to become an interesting interlocutor. And all this in general will help increase self-esteem.

Accept the possibility of error

Fear of error is associated with dependence on public opinion, fear of punishment, decision-making and responsibility. You need to understand that you only have one life and only you have the right to manage it. To obey someone or to live to please someone means not to live at all. And finally allow yourself not only to live according to your desires, but also to gain personal experience. And this is impossible without mistakes - we learn from them.

Accept your appearance

First, find a famous person on the Internet who has a similar external feature to you, and study her life story. For example, for many curvy women, Ekaterina Skulkina became an idol and motivator. Her weight and shape are not just a feature. This is her feature and one of the components of her popularity.

However, note that self-acceptance also includes self-care. For example, if doctors say that you need to lose weight, then you need to do it. It is also important to exercise, take care of your skin, and eat a balanced diet at any weight.

In general, learn to take care of yourself and think about what makes each of your external features attractive.

Important! Self-acceptance has nothing to do with laziness and a person’s indifferent attitude towards himself.

Work with moral qualities

The main moral qualities include: honesty, sincerity, truthfulness, integrity, self-criticism, conscientiousness, loyalty to one’s convictions and duty. It's easier to appreciate and respect yourself when you have all this in you. Develop these qualities in yourself.

Please note that you need to demonstrate them not only in relationships with others, but also in relationships with yourself. When was the last time you were honest with yourself? Do you have an unshakable system of principles and beliefs? Do you know what you won't tolerate in a relationship with yourself? It's time to decide on all this.

How to accept and love yourself. Polina's story.

An ordinary girl Polina, signed up on social media. networks on many successful, beautiful, stylish bloggers begin to build in their heads (subconsciously or not) the image of an ideal girl.

And instantly she realizes that she is far from the ideal she created. That her figure is not that model, there are no six-packs on her flat stomach, her hair does not look like those chic curls like that girl from the cover...

The lips are not plump, like theirs, and the nose in general...

Self-esteem and confidence are also low...

Polina understands that she is so far from those ideal girls. Thoughts begin to occur that she is somehow different, ugly, not at all so chic, not so attractive.

This means that she is unworthy of men’s attention, their care, compliments, and love.

And what does Polina do next?

She pushes herself more and more. He carefully examines each pimple in the mirror. Tries to hide figure flaws with intricate outfits. She refuses a date because she didn’t have time to put things in order.

Polina drives herself into a corner, begins to mope and scold herself. Or even blame the parents for being born like that. And at this time the Universe gives her more and more evidence of her “failure”.

On the subject: Mirror of the World: Do you realize that the outside world and other people are simply reflecting your thoughts?

And one day Polina, having brought herself to complete despair, opens a browser page and types: how to accept yourself?

Do you see what I mean?

Polina created boundaries for herself, forced herself into them, and also concluded that she was somehow different.

Common situation?

My experience of self-acceptance

Not accepting myself made me angry, irritable, and restless. I lashed out at others “just like that,” and was extremely inconsistent and contradictory in my desires, actions, and thoughts. My head and life were in chaos. To restore harmony within myself and in relationships with the outside world, I made a self-acceptance plan:

1. Make a list of character strengths and weaknesses. Learn to demonstrate the former advantageously and start correcting the latter. For example, I didn’t like that when I was tired, in a bad mood or angry at someone, I would lash out at whoever came to hand. I kept a diary of emotions, learned to track this state, and before the “explosion” I spoke out my state and asked the person not to contact me yet. And at the same time, I mastered techniques to develop self-regulation skills and minimize irritating factors in my life.
2. Make a list of complexes, fears, grievances and other psychological problems. Work with each point step by step. A universal method for dealing with anything: return to the point when you first encountered this feeling, emotion, thought. Remember the situation down to the smallest detail. Analyze it with the eyes of an adult. For example, I looked at a photograph of myself as a child and sincerely did not understand why this child was called fat. An ordinary child. Yes, he’s overweight, but he’s not scary and certainly not bad. And even then the weight could be easily adjusted. Why the parents didn’t notice this and did nothing is another question. Just like a tangle, unravel one problem after another, talk to yourself, find solutions and let go of the past.
3. Study yourself. Understand your temperament and type of nervous system, abilities. Think about where all this is in demand, how it will help me and be useful in my life.
4. Create a realistic image of what I can be. This applies to appearance, inner world, worldview, and self-realization in the labor sphere.
5. Make a step-by-step plan for getting closer to this image and follow it.

In self-acceptance, it is important to separate what can be corrected from what you cannot influence in any way. If you can’t figure this out on your own, then turn to scientific psychological literature. Two queries will help you: innate individual characteristics and acquired individual characteristics. For example, character and habits can be corrected, but temperament cannot be changed - you just have to accept that someone is hot-tempered, and someone is phlegmatic (indifferent, in simple terms), someone is vulnerable, and someone perceives everything with humor and etc.

Pleasure + benefit + flow

A good mood has a fairly simple formula: [desire] + [embodiment] = [pleasure]. Happiness is a little more complicated.

[Useful desire] + [embodiment] = [pleasure] + [benefit].

For example, the embodiment of the desire to eat a burger gives you a buzz now, right away. The embodiment of the desire to eat something tasty and healthy gives a buzz (for those who know how to enjoy the taste of healthy food) and health in the future.

To change bad habits to good ones, you need to gradually learn to enjoy useful things, but not through willpower: it won’t last long, because acting through “I can’t” is stressful, and the brain will avoid it with all its might in the interests of self-preservation. This is one reason why dieting is usually followed by a feast of gluttony. It is much better not to break yourself, but to change circumstances to make it easier to achieve your plans.

Have you noticed how easy it is to go to dance classes if there is a young lady you like? How do you want to skip to the gym if you fall in love and looking good is so important for your loved one?

This is the flow. Pleasant emotions overcome the stress of doing something new and difficult.

Look for opportunities to create flow. Go to the gym with your favorite friend. Set yourself a goal publicly (on social media, for example) and publicly track your progress. Let your friends' comments support you. Finally, sign up for the training. The goal of any good training is to create flow. Just don’t get hooked on these trainings as if they were likes. They charge you with emotions, but if this charge goes only into dreams, you will waste your money and time. The flow must be caught and directed to useful activities, only then will your life change.