Self-love is the key to a happy life

According to the World Health Organization, in 2021 there was one suicide every 40 seconds worldwide. Let's think for a second: every forty seconds one person died of his own free will. Of course, such indicators noticeably average the whole picture, but if we look at it in more detail, the figures indicate that in relative terms (namely 11.5 people per 100,000 people), suicide is more common in high-income countries [WHO, 2019].

Another example is depression. About 264 million people worldwide suffer from this mental disorder. [WHO, 2018] What causes it? You can read the answer to this question in our article “A Guide to Getting Rid of Depression and Apathy.” We will focus on one of the common reasons.

Let's think: any action performed by a person is based on selfish motives. Everything we do every day reflects our needs and wants, desires and dreams, perhaps sometimes on a subconscious level. Not a single human action is dictated by anything other than a reflection of one’s own selfish aspirations.

If a person becomes depressed, this means that his desires do not coincide with reality, and a very common problem with this discrepancy is himself. Of course, the causes of depression appear not only as a result of introspection - we are often upset by other people, their words and actions, some more global events, politics or social disorder, etc. However, we would like to dwell on such a factor as attitude towards oneself.

Self-love, self-esteem, attitude towards oneself - all these phrases characterize one thing: how we perceive ourselves in the context of the surrounding reality, how we position ourselves in the context of life circumstances. And often people have problems accepting themselves as they are. Are you familiar with this problem? Share your answers in the comments, and below we will determine where self-dislike comes from.

Where are the roots?

In general, there are three main reasons for the appearance of a bad attitude towards oneself.

All roads lead to childhood

Unfortunately, at an early age we really perceive everything very vividly, and some moments seem to be imprinted on our memory and consciousness. If your friends told you as a child that you would grow up to look like an elephant, then, of course, you may develop an overweight complex. If your parents manipulated you when they wanted to achieve a certain model of behavior through intimidation, imposing feelings of guilt, appeals to conscience, then these feelings can be projected into adulthood.

Often, because of this reason, people behave childishly, cannot make decisions without the permission of others, and are afraid in principle to express themselves, because they are afraid of punishment (although it is not clear from whom). Therefore, traveling to the past sometimes turns out to be very useful, do not neglect it.

There are only critics around

Although usually no one asks their opinion, there are always people ready to share their expert point of view, point out your shortcomings, remind you that you have not achieved anything meaningful and are unlikely to achieve anything unless you fundamentally change (although it is not always clear how ). Think carefully about your circle of friends and family members - are there such critics in these groups?

Incorrectly comparing yourself to others

No matter how much we are told not to compare ourselves to other people, stories, lives, successes, we still do it because it is a natural way of knowing ourselves. And you need to not only come to terms with this, but also do it without compromising your personality. Therefore, compare yourself with others correctly, consciously [Tatyana Brain, 2019].

Having figured out where self-dislike often comes from, we can delve deeper into this topic by answering a few more questions, for example, why do you need to love yourself at all? Can you learn this or are you born with it? If you can still learn, then how? Let's start with the most important question: what is self-love anyway?

Self-love: in search of boundaries

You can often hear the formulation from many people that self-love is equivalent to selfishness, and the latter, in principle, is its highest form. And there is hardly a line separating these two phenomena. But is this really so?

Psychologists clearly agree that these are two completely different categories. So, selfishness is an obsession with one’s problems, it is attracting the attention of others exclusively in relation to one’s personality with its sufferings and experiences. Egoists take energy without giving anything in return. The speech of such people is built around the pronoun “I”, and it is almost impossible to hear the pronoun “you”.

Not only psychologists agree that self-love is not at all sinful and destructive. Religious teachings described in the main Christian scripture - the Bible - also preach to us: “... love your neighbor as yourself” [Bible, Gospel of Matthew. 37:39]. Of course, many people are quite anti-religious, but then there is a more scientific basis for the difference between selfishness and self-love.

The German philosopher, sociologist, and social psychologist Erich Fromm wrote very expressively on this topic in his book “The Art of Loving”: “If an individual is able to love creatively, he also loves himself; if he loves only others, he cannot love at all” [E. Fromm, 1956]. It seems there is something to think about here...

How would you answer the question: what is self-love? Someone draws an analogy with respect, self-acceptance; someone says that this is the ability to appreciate your inner world, your successes and failures, actions and inactions, joy and sadness; someone talks about completeness and independence from the opinions of other people, etc. In fact, all these components, one way or another, relate to self-love.

It is quite difficult to convey the essence of this phenomenon in one definition, but we agree with the formulation of Mikhail Labkovsky, a popular psychologist of our time: self-love is the ability to do what you want, without regard to the opinions of others [M. Labkovsky, 2018]. Sounds utopian? Considering the current state of our society, it is unlikely that we can live without taking into account the opinions of outsiders, and this is the main indicator that we live in a society of psychologically not entirely healthy people.

These days are the era of social networks. Nowadays, you can often find accounts of people showing their photos exclusively in a beautiful, successful, happy role. However, often these people do not show their faces at all (with the help of various filters) and, one might say, not their lives. Rather, it is self-affirmation based on empty likes, approval from the public, strangers, strangers who have nothing to do with their life. But will a person who loves himself seek recognition in the minds of others, so different and unstable?

A study conducted by the Royal Society of Public Health confirms the negative impact of social media on a person's mental health. It found that Instagram and Snapchat are the worst media platforms for influencing young people aged 14 to 24. A survey of 1,479 people found that these social networks caused anxiety and feelings of inferiority more than other social networks, which was most likely due to the images shared on them [BBC, 2017]. Therefore, think before you create an account on a social network. If this is a necessity, then use them consciously.

However, returning to the search for the facets of self-love, many other questions arise. It is important to remember that everyone is completely different, and everyone may have their own idea of the ideal self.

For some, getting a tattoo is a prohibition based on one’s own principles of beauty and aesthetics, and this is not at all a sign of fear of condemnation, but a valid position on this issue. There are people who allow sadism and violence towards themselves, but not at all because they do not want it and tolerate it, but because it gives them pleasure. Of course, the last example is a deviation from the norm, possibly associated with psychological trauma, but this also happens in reality.

An important conclusion follows from the above: we all have different ideas about what we should be, and in no case should we be intolerant of those whose opinions do not coincide with ours. Allow others to love themselves the way they know how. Unlearn judging.

But, as we noted earlier, today a huge number of people live in discord with themselves. Nevertheless, he lives, experiencing some joys, some victories, perhaps moments of happiness. Accordingly, the question arises: is it really important to love yourself? What does this actually affect? Let's answer these questions.

The result of self-love

Many people's lives changed immediately after they fell in love with themselves. People, first of all, became happy, calm and harmonious. Secondly, they were able to understand their own desires and motives. The results depend entirely on the person who makes the effort or looks for excuses to do nothing.

Life begins with self-love. And before that, a person is engaged in survival in the world of people, where everything is done so that he defends himself, closes himself, withdraws, or sacrifices himself.

Or maybe, well, self-love?..

No and no! Of course not! You can't think like that under any circumstances. Self-love is a fundamental feeling in literally all your endeavors - both material and ideal. There is one fundamental rule: until you love yourself, you will not be able to love other people and life in general. And this is how it is explained.

The fact is that love is a creative concept, it is aimed at searching for good and is based on bestowal. Now imagine what might go through the mind of a person who doesn’t love himself? Of course, he develops complexes, uncertainty, doubts, self-esteem drops, much of what he does seems stupid, senseless, clumsy, he cannot find a use for himself in life... In a word, such a person develops personal problems that lead to envy , self-flagellation, apathy, reluctance to develop, closedness and other qualities from this terrible set.

Not loving yourself, not accepting yourself is doom and a straight road to a dead end. On the contrary, love is creativity and certainty that helps us find harmony with ourselves, hear ourselves and accept what is inside, and, no less important, it is the key to building normal relationships with others.

When you find fault with yourself, believe that every day your potential is buried deeper and deeper, and stigmatize yourself for other far-fetched reasons, you become incapable of open dialogue with other people, you are afraid to show your true essence, put on a mask and live day after day, hiding who you really are. Your complexes do not allow you to be heard by other people, unnecessary barriers appear, you suffer inside and bring discomfort to your communication partners.

Self-dislike also leads to self-doubt, which manifests itself in the way you behave in public, and this information is read instantly. And, believe me, no stranger will want to waste time making you understand that you are actually beautiful, smart, talented, charismatic, etc. (unless they are pursuing some goals). Consequently, the attitude towards you will be built exactly the way you position yourself [J. Oliver, 2018].

By the way, this topic is very important when building a relationship with a loved one. This and many other topics are covered in our online Relationship Building program. In this program, you will be able to become more knowledgeable about the topic of relationships between a man and a woman, which will allow you to cope with difficulties in the personal sphere, seek harmony and mutual understanding in your relationship with your partner.

We hope that you are convinced of the need to develop such an important feeling as self-love. Let's now see how to achieve self-acceptance through gradual steps, daily habits, and practices.

Why is it so important to learn to love yourself?

Today I will give you five good reasons to love yourself and prove that this is where the path to a happy life begins.

Reason #1. Self-love will allow you to recognize and accept your true self.

Have you noticed that when you try to meet the expectations of others or to please someone, you seem to put on a mask? Or are you trying on someone else’s jacket, which, although good, is clearly not for you? This story is not about self-love at all.

You can be “in someone else’s clothes” for a couple of days, a week, a month... But playing someone else’s role all your life is sad, tiring and pointless. After all, you are unique and unique, with your own character, capabilities, dreams and aspirations. Perhaps not ideal, but so close to your heart. This alone is enough to love yourself and your life without pretending to be someone else.

I do not encourage you to forget about the negative sides of your character and weaknesses. Self-love does not mean that you should stop taking care of yourself, stop improving and developing. It only helps you understand that you are the one and only in the world, it helps you realize that you don’t need to imitate anyone or compare yourself to anyone, and it gives you self-confidence.

Awareness of your own uniqueness and acceptance of your imperfection gives birth to that inner light in you that warms, inspires and attracts the best people and events into your life.

Remember: you only receive in return what you emit.

And if you dream of true love, care, understanding, honest and sincere relationships, then you yourself must broadcast the same feelings and qualities to the world.

And remember that accepting your true self is not selfishness or weakness.

This is the path by choosing which you will discover the best in yourself and become stronger, more perfect and happier.

On the subject: The most important tip on how self-love will help you attract the love of a man

Reason #2. Self-love will make you confident and independent.

Tell me, which person would you be more interested in meeting and communicating with: modest, inconspicuous and trying to please everyone around or bright, brave and knowing his own worth? And which of these two characters do you want to be like? I think the answer is obvious.

You are more likely to empathize with quiet, modest and “comfortable” people. But for advice or support, turn to the strong and confident. Right?

The laws of life operate in such a way that people who love and value themselves, as a rule, have better jobs and higher incomes. They are successful, friends, fans, interesting events, money and opportunities are attracted to them like a magnet. Agree, this is another convincing argument in favor of finally learning to truly love yourself.

Reason #3. Self-love will free you from guilt.

Were you scolded as a child for torn tights, bad grades or a broken plate? Probably yes. Perhaps they also added that “good girls don’t behave like that,” “boys won’t love them like that,” and other “weighty arguments.”

You took everything at face value, memorized it and “did it on your head,” and then transferred it into your “adult” life. And, despite the fact that your parents have already lost control over you, you continue to scold and punish yourself, sometimes unconsciously.

Yes, in the lives of each of us there were, are and will be mistakes, mistakes and failures. But, understand, this is not a reason for self-flagellation! This is an experience through which you become smarter and wiser, learn new things and move forward. Therefore, it is much more useful to accept your own mistakes, thank them for the conclusions and knowledge that they gave you, and accept them as an integral and even valuable part of life.

If it’s really important for you to improve the quality of your own life, to feel the taste of happiness and success, then it’s time to replace shame and guilt with praise and approval. Encourage yourself for the fact that, after going through so many troubles, mistakes and trials, you continue to live, dream and develop.

The more love and respect for yourself in your heart, the less depression and stress, which means the higher the quality of life. This way you can direct a huge amount of time and energy that you previously spent endlessly blaming yourself in a different direction. After all, a person’s love for himself implies doing what he loves, development, new interests, acquaintances, and all this - without assessing whether he is good enough for people and events to come into his life, whether he is worthy and deserves it.

Reason #4. Self-love will give you beauty and great well-being

What is the difference between loving and not loving yourself? Let's look at examples.

You endlessly exhaust yourself with all sorts of diets, spend hours in gyms and cosmetologists, and get on the scale with fear every morning. But the result is still not satisfactory: even when your parameters are closer to the “model” ones, even when your face is haggard and your eyes are “dull” from endless diets and self-restraints, even when the scales show the cherished figure...

Despite titanic efforts to become the most irresistible, your personal life is still not going well, and happiness is not increasing. This is what self-dislike looks like.

An opposite example is a friend of mine, a little over one and a half meters tall, snub-nosed and freckled, with unruly curls that do not want to fit into an elegant hairstyle, and an absolute lack of complexes about this.

She considers her small shortcomings to be “highlights,” and with healthy self-irony she lovingly calls herself a “raisin bun.” With mischievous eyes and a ringing laugh, she carries herself so proudly, so royally, that men on the street wring their necks.

But the main romance in her life is with herself! No matter what men are nearby, she never forgets to love herself, take care of herself, and teaches them to do the same.

Which of the young ladies described above do you think has a better chance of happiness and success in life?

Understand: the most important thing is not WHAT exactly you see in the mirror, but HOW you look into it. In any situation, it is important to concentrate on your strengths and advantages, and not look for disadvantages and imperfections. After all, if you are looking hard for something, you will definitely find it.

Reason #5: Self-love will transform people and the world around you.

When you love yourself, those around you feel it too. And no one will dare to treat you cruelly or unfairly - in relationships, at work, in a store, on the street.

If you are in love with someone, the world around you seems kinder, the colors are brighter, and people are more responsive. The same effect occurs when you are in love with yourself! The secret is simple: it is not the world that has changed, it is you who have begun to look at people and events in your life differently, from the better side.

I think you have already guessed that the most important changes in life will happen if you just change your perception. After all, only you can choose: to love yourself and everything that is in your life, or not. The consequences of this choice will affect your future.

So what will love for yourself and others do for you?

You will begin to be respected in relationships and in marriage, without being subjected to humiliation, insults and violence;
Your children will absorb and internalize the values that you pass on to them through family interactions. And your love, self-respect and acceptance are the best example for them;
In the professional sphere, your achievements will be recognized exactly to the extent that you yourself feel your own importance, uniqueness and value.

How to love yourself?

We bring to your attention methods and recommendations for acquiring self-love. It is logical that in order to love yourself, you need to understand the reason for not loving yourself and eradicate it. Therefore, based on what we stated at the very beginning:

Get rid of criticism

As long as there are people in your life who convince you that you are inferior, you will continue to perceive yourself as a failure. However, think about it - does the opinion of these people really matter to you? Why should you trust their point of view? Even if it turns out that you hear critical remarks addressed to you, learn to defend your position, offer counterarguments, and be stubborn.

But more importantly, destroy the critic within. Stop scolding yourself and evaluating yourself negatively. It is clear that it is impossible to be perfect. As it was said in the famous comedy “Some Like It Hot”: “Everyone has their own shortcomings.” However, the moment you begin to criticize yourself, ask the question: how does this benefit me? Once you are convinced that there is no benefit for you in self-flagellation, begin to refute your thesis about the “bad” yourself.

Many people also criticize themselves in order to hear compliments and refutation of their theses from other people's lips; they become victims in a sense. But let's honestly admit - this is quite infantile, and the benefits of such a method will be much less than the benefits of sincere self-love.

Learn to compare yourself correctly

At the beginning we said that there is no escape from comparison. However, it needs to be done correctly, and this is what it means.

If you have an incredible sense of humor, charisma and outgoing personality, it's silly to worry about the fact that you have problems with the letter "r" while others have excellent pronunciation. When you start speaking, you capture the attention of the audience in a very short time, and your deficiency is erased in the eyes of those watching and listening. Therefore, there is no need to compare yourself with those who have impeccable speech. You are already good at what you do.

Accordingly, do not compare your weaknesses with the strengths of other people.

From words to deeds

You can praise yourself for a long time, but in any undertaking, clarity and certainty are important. So sit down at your desk with a pen and a piece of paper and write down 25 reasons to love yourself. Ask yourself: “What is it about me that I can respect myself for?”, “What are my strengths?”, “What qualities help me in life?”, “Why can I be loved?”, “Why do my friends Are they friends with me? Answering these questions can help you think about things that might not normally come to mind.

Another benefit of such a list is that whenever you fall into the abyss of self-flagellation and self-disappointment, with a lack of faith in your strengths and a hint of depression, you can turn to this list to cheer yourself up, remind yourself that you temporarily forgotten. Don't neglect this point!

Mistakes and failures

Well, or in other words – experience. By changing the name, the attitude towards this phenomenon changes, but the essence remains the same. Mistakes give us useful knowledge about how things should have been in the first place. Therefore, next time we will not allow them. But mistakes and failures, like victories and achievements, come only to those who do something. Therefore, we will describe the next tip in the next paragraph.

Take action!

No matter how much you do auto-training, or prepare yourself to love yourself, remember that behind love there are always real actions. To earn self-respect, you need to look for real evidence of your success or failure. Work is a huge impetus to self-affirmation.

Also remember that discipline is important in actions. It is important not just to randomly carry out some set of tasks, but to adhere to a clear line, a general goal, in order to attach meaning to your actions.

And also versatile. Develop from different sides, play sports, learn useful skills, be socially active, travel, read, develop. You will see that people will be drawn to you because... everyone wants to communicate with interesting and active people. In general, prove to yourself every day that you are worth a lot and you deserve love [Tatiana Brain, 2019].

Online program

If you have real challenges related to self-acceptance, most likely you are overcome by a number of psychological problems, for example, apathy, stress, inability to find yourself, uncertainty, procrastination, fear of taking new steps, etc. To get rid of this unwanted list, we invite you to take our online program “Mental Self-Regulation”. In just 6 exciting weeks with really working techniques, exercises, demonstration cases, you will find the way to a happier life and will be able to enjoy the moments much more.

In addition to the techniques discussed, I would like to point out several signs of a person who loves himself. Let's make a portrait of him. So, if I love myself, I:

I speak about myself with love;
I trust myself;
I'm not deceiving myself;
I know how to read my true desires and impulses;
I am kind to my body and respect it;
I pay attention to my health and do not ignore pain;
I monitor my surroundings, filter it;
I know how to say “no”;
I devote enough time to my development;
I don’t forget about the need for rest and recovery;
I know how to enjoy life and give positive emotions to others;
I don’t depend on the opinions of strangers;
I don’t experience chronic feelings of guilt, I know how to forgive myself for something;
I believe in myself and my victories;
I accept myself as different;
I respect other people and am patient with their self-expression;
open to new experiences and new meetings [T. Isakova, 2020].

This is not an exhaustive list of what can characterize a self-loving person. Perhaps you can add a couple more points to it. Remind us in the comments what we forgot. In the meantime, we will prove the scientific validity of self-love, which manifests itself in three main directions.

What does science say?

As you might have guessed, science is all for you to see value and reasons for respect in yourself. Let us consider exactly what advantages love for one’s personality brings from the point of view of psychological teaching.

University of Texas Associate Professor Kristin Neff is a pioneer of the self-love movement. It was she who, in her research, showed that when our attitude towards our personality depends on comparing ourselves with other people, we become more vulnerable and irritable. In addition, what brings unspoken competition into your life is not constructivism or the establishment of social connections, but solitude and the positioning of others as obstacles to achieving your goal.

The story of having a good attitude towards yourself is completely different. We respect ourselves not because we put others down, but because we don’t put ourselves down in comparison to others, we treat ourselves the same as we treat our friends, as a person who also needs empathy and understanding, encouragement and motivation. Mathematically speaking, we do not put greater or less than signs between the environment and those inside - we put an equal sign. This is the key to a quality existence [Dr. K. Neff, 2015].

So, self-love leads to the following beneficial effects.

Strength and wealth increase

By changing our attitude towards ourselves, we do not stop working on ourselves; on the contrary, we begin to believe in our own strength, which leads to significant results. Self-love is not self-indulgence, it is the ability to have a healthy approach to what you really need and what you need to give up.

Parents who forbid their children to eat a lot of sweets do not do this because they do not like them and want them to suffer. On the contrary, they want their children to be healthy, so they do not indulge their incessant and heart-wrenching entreaties. The same thing happens to you. If you realize that an extra cake can ruin your daily work on your figure, then you will not eat it. And this is not a cruel attitude towards yourself, showing that you do not love yourself. This is respecting your desire to be slim. It entails the ability to be responsible.

Many people in such a situation say: “You only live once,” “Sometimes you need to pamper yourself,” “What will happen from one small piece,” and this seems fair. Of course, you shouldn’t completely limit yourself in consuming various goodies. But if your goal is to lose weight, then such “pampering” may not lead to any devastating consequences, but psychologically you will feel that you have given up the slack, and therefore, you have fewer reasons to love yourself. Therefore, do not abuse the violation of your settings. No matter what anyone says.

Productivity increases

When you are motivated by self-love, you see failure not as a failure, but as an opportunity to learn something new that will lead to subsequent growth. Self-love in such cases pushes you to new challenges and eliminates the fear of new mistakes. People who treat themselves with love show noticeably greater success even after failure. By remaining calm and understanding even in the face of mistakes, criticism, and defeats, we maintain prudence, psychological stability, and emotional stability, which contributes to greater productivity and success. This is easily explained with an example.

If your friend has problems at work, then you rush to his aid, support him, and calm him down. You and I agreed that we treat ourselves as if we were a good friend, which means it is logical that we will also come to our aid in times of trouble, no matter how strange it may sound. And instead of criticism, we will receive warmth and support, which will certainly help us cope with difficulties better. Therefore, know how to be friends with yourself - you will still need it.

Reduces stress levels

Let's remember a little about hormones. When you harshly criticize yourself, your sympathetic nervous system is activated, and the level of the hormone cortisol (stress hormone) increases in your blood. When we are in this state, our ability to learn something new is suppressed. Moreover, we ignore those true things that can serve us. In the opposite situation, the “hug hormone,” oxytocin, is released into the blood with feelings such as trust, devotion, well-being, and calmness [E. Seppala, 2012]. Draw your own conclusions - which hormones do you need most...

Based on the above, we can conclude: you definitely need to love yourself. This is beneficial both to your body, your psychological state, and your social environment. Therefore, before plunging into the problems of your acquaintances, friends, relatives, understand yourself, try to see the good that is in you, accept it and love it.

A few more final tips...

We started with very sad statistics, but I would like to end with another reminder that self-love is the key to a healthy and happy existence. You can write a letter to yourself - a close friend to whom you write about his merits and see his potential and image in a few years; you can come up with a special mantra, prayer, just a reminder phrase that you love and value yourself, to tell yourself every time something unpleasant and difficult happens to you; you can choose a form of meditation that will help you not only distract from critical thoughts, but also work with them - relaxation, yoga, walks in the fresh air, etc.

Whatever you choose, we believe that in your life there will be more love than hatred, goodness than evil, compassion but not envy, mercy and not inhumanity. But remember that all these bright and positive emotions come only through the prism of attitude towards yourself, and, as the famous English writer and poet Oscar Wilde said: “Self-love is the beginning of a romance that lasts a lifetime.” A wonderful statement, don’t you agree?

We wish you self-love!

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
Male and female complexes
49 Questions to Free Your Consciousness
How to stop being a victim
12 Anger Management Strategies
Thoughts that kill any motivation
A Guide to Relieving Depression and Apathy
Definition of values
Working with delays
How to find the source of the problem
Why comparing yourself to other people can be beneficial

Key words: 1Healthy lifestyle, 1Psychoregulation

Do you love yourself?

To understand what self-love is, let’s first understand what its opposite looks like—“dislike” for oneself.

So, are you familiar with these conditions?

Put the interests of others (husband, loved one, children, parents, friends) first, sacrificing yourself;
You do what you need, what you should, and not what you want and are interested in;
You constantly criticize yourself, redo and improve, are embarrassed by the slightest shortcomings and develop complexes;
You don’t believe in your strength, you feel apathy and fatigue;
You envy the successes of others, compare yourself with them, and not to your advantage;
You feel that you are not living your life, but you are afraid of change and condemnation;

- in a word, you try to play the role of the “good” and “comfortable” girl that you have been taught since childhood. You remembered and clearly understood that putting yourself first is selfish and wrong, good girls don’t do that. They endure, give in, sacrifice and... First they turn into hunched, gloomy aunts with dull eyes and colorless faces, and then into grumbling and forever dissatisfied with everything in the world, lonely old women.

It’s bitter to admit, but no one bothered to explain to you that self-love and selfishness are not at all the same thing. Hence all your troubles and disappointments in life.