Rejection is a refusal to accept something, an uprooting from one’s environment. These are all the things that happen to people that make them feel unloved, damaged, or unworthy. This phenomenon can manifest itself explicitly or occur hidden. Obvious rejection is revealed, for example, when a spouse cheats, when parents beat a child, being in despair or irritation because of his misdeeds.
The individual who committed suicide suffered obvious rejection from the surrounding society. With hidden rejection, a person experiences similar painful sensations and dire consequences as an individual who has suffered overt rejection, but does not realize why a negative attitude towards his own person arose. An example of implicit rejection is parental overprotection, increased control over the child’s existence, making decisions for the baby. As a result of such upbringing, the baby grows up unadapted to an independent existence.
Trauma of rejection in psychology
Rejection is the rejection of something. The “outcasts” feel unloved, unworthy, and inferior. Often people who commit suicide have been rejected by society. Rejection can be overt or covert. Regardless of the form, the individual's experiences will be similar. The only difference is that in the first case the person understands what he did to “deserve” such an attitude, but in the second he does not reflect on what is happening.
Causes
Nature has made the care of an adult the basis for the survival of a child. If the environment is unfavorable, the child tries to adapt to it. He tries to feel protected in a dangerous situation, to love those who don’t care about him, to be calm under unpredictable circumstances. He will strive to maintain his relationship with his mother, even if this means he has to forget about his own desires. The reason is a subconscious anxiety that otherwise he will die. Traumatic experiences in childhood later develop into an immature psyche and undeveloped psychological shields. It moves into the realm of the unconscious, while influencing every action. The stronger the trauma, the deeper the experiences are “hidden.” The consequences are helplessness, fear, loss of trust and a sense of security. However, it is worth mentioning that trauma does not always come from early childhood. Sometimes it occurs during puberty, when a teenager is hurt by his peers.
More interesting articles and direct contact with me - answers to your questions - on my INSTAGRAM! Follow the link and subscribe.
Signs
If in childhood the parents deceived the child’s expectations, in the future he will expect betrayal from all the people around him. He himself will begin to push them away in order to protect himself from possible experiences. The following manifestations are possible: • “You can’t trust anyone” attitude . After the betrayal of the closest people - parents, it seems absurd to the victim to rely on someone else, because they will also let you down. • Closedness . He cannot relax in company and carefully monitors his behavior. • Construction of “walls ”. The traumatized person forbids himself emotions. He also stops perceiving them. Friends consider him unresponsive. • Inadequate response to danger . In a situation that the rejected person considers threatening, he freezes. • Helplessness . He may cling to another person, believing that without him life will be ruined. • And yet the most important sign is that the main fear of the rejected person is repeated rejection .
SEEDS OF REJECTION
I grew up in a wonderful, godly Christian family, but something similar happened to me. I once considered myself worse than everyone else, although I had no reason for this. When I was in high school, I became seriously ill and missed classes for an extended period of time. I was especially upset about mathematics. Due to illness, I missed most of the important material that other students were learning. When I finally returned to school, I was already quite behind everyone else.
When, having recovered, I came to my first algebra lesson, the teacher laughed at me because I did not understand the basic rules of mathematics, which all the other students seemed to have mastered quite well. I tried to explain my situation to her, and in response she called me stupid. And every time she did roll call, she called me not by name, but “stupid Renner,” and I always answered: “Here.”
Consequences of rejection trauma in adults
Due to the trauma of rejection, a person develops certain behavioral “patterns” for each case. For example, he will avoid conflict in every possible way, make concessions, and if a quarrel does occur, he will behave with extreme restraint, since it is important for him that others have a good opinion of him. He wants everyone to love and accept him. At the same time, he can divert attention from this in every possible way, demonstrating, if possible, that he does not care about other people’s opinions. You could say that the outcasts constantly wear a “mask.” They suffer from internal pain, but do not allow anyone to come close and bring comfort. Most often, they deliberately repel others with coldness, indifference, or even slight rudeness. The following example can be given. A preschool girl experiences uselessness and loneliness. She is trying to attract attention to herself, wants to feel important. However, the mother believes that her daughter is capricious. The girl continues to behave differently from other children, but now becomes aloof and secretive. Mom is unhappy again and completely stops spending time with her. No attempts by the child to correct the situation lead to anything. The trauma of alienation is reinforced. The girl looks for reasons in herself, complexes form, she believes that no one will love her. She becomes a woman, but her behavior remains virtually unchanged. She comes to the team and tries to please everyone. She will avoid those who may reject her or have already rejected her. For any little thing, for example, an unsatisfactory conversation, she will blame herself, but move away from her interlocutor. She considers herself unattractive to men and does nothing; she has come to terms with this thought. Often the outcast ignores his own desires and lives with one goal - to please everyone. He completely suppresses his individuality, thinking that his real emotions will repel others. The victims also notice: • Internal masochism . It's about selflessness. The victim instills in himself a feeling of worthlessness. • Confluence . This word means incorrectly set boundaries. The outcast loses himself and “merges” with another person. • Lack of independence . Loneliness is not safe for him. Moreover, in relationships he takes a passive dependent position. • Internal conflicts. Desperate attempts to create normal conditions for survival are sometimes replaced by short periods of peace of mind. • Resentment towards parents. The victim is insignificant, his parent is great. Because of this, the outcast begins to be angry with his parents, but suppresses this feeling. • Denial of successes . The victim is so accustomed to feeling worthless that he refuses to somehow elevate himself even through real merit. • Shame . The outcast believes that he is inferior, defective, and he is ashamed of it.
The adult life of a previously rejected child is continuous attempts to disappear, become invisible, powerlessness. Of course, there is no talk of any happiness or success. The life of a rejected person comes down to banal survival. Over the years, he belittles himself more and more, considers himself unworthy of love and care, the worst person of all. Such a person really begins to be rejected by those around him. Because of this, he is convinced that he is right.
THERE IS A WAY OUT!
No matter who we are, we are all sometimes treated unfairly, dishonestly, wrongly, and cause us pain. Therefore, it is important to decide in advance how we will respond to situations that make us feel inferior, unappreciated, unloved, unwanted or rejected.
Personally, when I have been abandoned by friends, rejected by the world or even by certain believers, I have always turned to one verse of Scripture and it has given me strength. It says, “God has chosen the base things of the world, the base things, and the base things...” (1 Corinthians 1:28). Paul wrote this verse to the believers of the city of Corinth, who were considered outcasts and fools by the unbelieving society. These people did not accept the Christian faith. And instead of trying to understand, they simply decided that Christians are stupid and have no place in their society. They treated Christians with such disdain that, as Paul relates in his letter, they humiliated the Corinthian church.
Therapy for adults
Work with a psychologist is carried out systematically at the same time, in the same place.
The client should feel comfortable. The road to recovery will be long. A doctor must be a reliable person who believes in his client. A large supply of mental resources is required from him. Its goal is the rejection of traumatic events. Victims are rarely helped by conversations that life will change if they love themselves and begin to take responsibility. If the psychotherapist takes the wrong approach, the patient’s condition may worsen, because he will decide that the problem is him, and nothing will help him. Alienation trauma is treated comprehensively. The rejected person must realize his worth, see the cause of the trauma, understand how it affects him now. There are different psychotherapeutic approaches in which the victim learns to notice his feelings, build and defend boundaries. Whatever path the psychologist chooses, it is important that his relationship with the client does not begin to resemble a parent-child interaction. A true professional is confident in success, he is ready for complex and lengthy work and will definitely help everyone in need. The rejected person needs to carefully choose a specialist with whom he will feel comfortable. Share:
THERE WILL BE A REASON!
I'm grateful that what happened to me in high school didn't have a lasting impact on my life. Now I even laugh about it. But since school, I have had more than one reason to feel rejected. For example, when my family and I moved to the former Soviet Union in 1991, we began to put our hearts into our business. We devoted our money, energy and almost all our strength to the creation of churches, the broadcast of God's Word on television and the spiritual development of people living in this region of the world. But again and again I was stunned by newspaper articles denigrating me and my ministry, calling us criminals, cult leaders, a dangerous cult, etc.
Psychological cuts
In family life, we also encounter new types of rejection: we are not always welcome when we come home, our requests are denied, wives reject their husbands’ advances and deliberately do not understand hints, husbands coldly greet our cordiality and we ourselves carry out supposedly planned joint evenings. Our gifts are devalued and they say: “Not enough!”, and our concern is that we simply may not hear “Thank you.”
Rejection can be compared to psychological cuts and scratches that tear at our emotional skin and penetrate deep into us. Some of them are so severe that they lead to deep mental wounds that bleed profusely and require immediate intervention from a specialist. Others are like emotional scratches that may sting but do not cause blood loss. We will be treating the latter today.
Refusal, rejection, “No” - can trigger a number of processes in us that it would also be nice to learn to be aware of: emotional discomfort, overwhelm with anger, decreased self-esteem and erosion of self-confidence, as well as dissatisfaction of the need to belong to any social group, in this case, relational or family. All reactions to rejection need to be dealt with comprehensively, but we will try to acquire several universal self-help tools.
Appreciate yourself
In her autobiographical book, the famous fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg wrote: “The most important relationship in life is the relationship with yourself. No matter what happens, you will always be alone with yourself.”
A person must be able to rely on himself. And then the relationship with yourself will become the template for all other relationships that you form.
How to build a relationship with yourself? Start with the main thing - pay more attention to yourself every day. Even if it's uncomfortable and even if you're not entirely sure you're doing it right. Support yourself every day. Learn to express your feelings freely, recognizing that you are imperfect but worthy of love and acceptance.
GOD'S OPINION
But notice how Paul ends this verse: he boldly states that those whom the world rejects, God chooses! 1 Corinthians 1:28 can be translated from the Greek as follows: “God has chosen people who are mocked, and through them he brings into confusion those who think they are important and powerful. Those whom the world considers inferior, second-rate, unremarkable, mediocre, worthless, and so ordinary that in the eyes of the world they are not worthy of even the slightest attention—those are the people God chooses.”
Have you noticed that the lost, unbelieving world today either ridicules believers or ignores them, pretending that they do not exist? This is not a new phenomenon. The grammatical tense in 1 Corinthians 1:28 indicates that the lost world's bad opinion of believers will continue to be the same.
Develop resilience
Resilience is your ability to maintain balance or bounce back from setbacks. This quality can and should be learned. Look for resources to improve things like being open-minded, avoiding black-and-white thinking, enjoying small victories, focusing on solutions rather than obstacles, and appreciating the importance of the experience rather than just achieving the big goal.
Greater resilience is facilitated by humor, strong close connections, understanding one's strengths, seeing mistakes as important steps toward success, an internal locus of control, and psychological self-help practices.
The American Psychological Association (APA) has developed a list of 10 tips for those who want to make their own psyche more adaptive and resilient:
- Create strong connections.
- Don't view crises as insurmountable problems.
- Accept change as an integral part of life.
- Move towards your goal.
- Take action.
- Look for opportunities for self-development.
- Develop a positive vision of yourself.
- Don't lose sight of the future, think bigger.
- Keep hope alive.
- Take care of yourself.
Afterword
10 years have passed since then. My son is one of the best students at his lyceum. I devote a lot of time to my career, but on the recommendation of my consultants, psychologists and psychotherapists, I decided not to control the completion of my lessons. In all 10 years of school life, I never found out what my son was doing in various subjects. But I drop everything when he says: “I need to talk to you.” We talk for several hours a day.
Sometimes I have to go to bed in the morning because I haven’t had time to cook a meal or write an article. But if my son is not emotionally nourished, I will not be able to sleep peacefully. And all my articles do not matter more than my love for my son and his psycho-emotional health.
As a psychotherapist client, I decided to become the first emotionally healthy woman of my kind. And my child will carry this baton. Healthy love, emotional acceptance and recognition of personality are the most important inheritance that he will pass on to his children and grandchildren. The rest is decay.
Confess and grieve
So, you are faced with a refusal. You won't be able to get what you wanted, needed, hoped for, or even counted on. It is unpleasant. And it is completely normal at this moment to experience shame, embarrassment, anger, helplessness and a host of other feelings. But more often than not, instead of recognizing the appearance of unpleasant emotions, we try to sort of slip through them, forget them, suppress them. Denial of suffering leads to various types of auto-aggression - drinking, eating, spending money.
Try not to “slip through”, not to anesthetize painful experiences, but to grieve over the impossibility of getting what you want. Try to find your personal way of grieving - for some it helps to cry a lot, for others to keep a diary, to share experiences with a close friend or psychologist.
Sports, self-care, a trip to nature or just a walk alone. Create your own goodbye ritual that will help you acknowledge, process, and process unpleasant emotions. This will take time, and the duration and intensity of grief depends on the significance of what you lost. Some experiences will only take an hour, while some failures can last for months.
Walling
The experiences caused by refusal are more unpleasant and acute, the more we associate it with total rejection and confirmation of our inferiority. In an effort to protect ourselves from painful feelings, we consciously avoid intimacy and emotional contact with other people.
We cannot open up in our vulnerability, vulnerability, shyness. We don’t share hopes, dreams, mistakes we’ve experienced, and difficulties. We have a fantasy that by avoiding attachment, falling in love, keeping people at a distance, we can prevent the pain of possible rejection in the future. As if, if we don’t really know the other person, and he doesn’t know us, his refusal won’t be so unpleasant.
And we are also starting to get ahead of the game. Anticipating imminent rejection in a relationship, we rush to push the other away first. We try to avoid the unpleasant feelings associated with the loss of a person we care about and love. And we hope that if we are rejected, and not us, the loss will not be so painful. Conscious rejection of others can give us the illusion of control and power in this matter, but, unfortunately, it does not make the experience any easier or more pleasant.
Emotional withdrawal and preemptive rejection of others does not bring us any closer to creating healthy, fulfilling, joyful and satisfying relationships. This does not protect us from the pain of rejection, since it is not so much about others as it is about us.
Let's explore less damaging and healthier ways to deal with rejection.
A collective example from life
Let's look at a classic example that helps us better understand the motives of those people who reject us. A woman with a certain set of psychological problems gets married and gives birth to a child - a girl, but after some time the unsuccessful marriage breaks up. Psycho-emotional difficulties prevent her from building a happy relationship. She does not know how to love herself, is too dependent on her former partner, spends her time and energy not on arranging her life, caring for her child and healing emotional wounds, but strives to find another person as soon as possible. After grieving a little, she finds herself another man and starts a family with him.
Thus, the new unit of society consists of a husband, wife, their common children and her eldest daughter. Over time, the girl grows up, and in the eyes of her mother she begins to compete with her stepfather. Naturally, the child does not receive special attention and love from the parent. The daughter has no idea why her mother is cold to her. The mother herself never admits to herself her motives, since this is the same as signing her own signature for her parental failure. What kind of mother would do this?
The cold, distant behavior of the parent inevitably affects the mental development of the child. Already as an adult, a daughter can understand her mother's motives through an analysis of her actions and words, carried out together with a family relations specialist. Understanding the motivation of the parent allows you to better understand the situation of the past, determine for yourself the reasons for the mother’s actions - and therefore, it will be much easier to forgive and let go of the rejecting loved one.
Russians are actively booking tickets to Latvia: flights will resume on March 17
Outsiders are not welcome in this settlement: the Russian community of Old Believers in Alaska
Exotic animals, geography, history and even Latin: a quiz for scholars
