- September 6, 2018
- Manias and Phobias
- Marina Pislegina
Every person at least once in his life has heard the following phrase from another person: “I don’t trust people.” But why does a man or woman talk about this? What is this - a phobia or a pathological condition associated with some kind of fear? Is it possible that distrust of people arose due to the betrayal of a loved one? Unfortunately yes. Moreover, lack of trust in others is a psychological problem that can be dealt with. Otherwise, a person will not be able to live a full life, create a family, or make friends. Find out more detailed information on this topic from the article.
A short introduction
First you need to figure out why a person stops trusting other people. In fact, every negative experience experienced in the past leaves a serious imprint not only on the soul, but also on the heart. Most often, mistrust arises due to the experienced betrayal of a loved one, the deception of a friend or comrade. In most cases, past problems in relationships with people can seriously harm a person in the future.
Many of us have at least once heard the following phrase from someone: “I don’t trust people.” But why does this happen? Is a lack of trust in other people a serious barrier to living a fulfilling and happy life? Unfortunately, yes, but this problem can be dealt with.
Tried to act like she didn't care
Vivian grew up the middle of three sisters and always felt like the black sheep of the family. Her two sisters were athletic and popular, adored by everyone, including her parents, while Vivian always felt like she didn't belong in their circle. She was more interested in the theater club, computers and art events, and all this was alien to Vivian’s family.
Although Vivian knew that her family cared about her, she never felt fully loved or accepted by them. Vivian always tried to act like she didn't care when in reality she was in a lot of pain.
In high school, Vivian gained a reputation as a black sheep. She figured that if people considered her a rebel, then she would be able to live up to her reputation. Vivian broke many boundaries and rules and came across as someone who was constantly in trouble for one reason or another.
After high school, she decided to travel for a year before going to college, and even now, years later, the woman realizes that it was one of the best decisions she ever made. For the first time in her life, she did not live in the shadow of her sisters.
Now that the sisters are older and have their own families, Vivian gets along well with them. Given her respectable job and impressive income, Vivian is no longer considered a troublemaker, but she still feels like she doesn't fit in with the family and therefore still doesn't let her sisters get too close.
Vivian is an Outcast.
What should be done?
The most interesting thing is that life in society is quite difficult for distrustful people. They want to constantly control others and thus constantly forget about themselves. But to learn to trust people, you need to allow them to make mistakes. Once a person stops controlling others, he will have more time for himself.
In addition, you need to remember that there are no ideal people, and therefore everyone can make mistakes. But you need to be able to forgive. Even if after a certain bad deed a person does not communicate with a friend, acquaintance, colleague, then there is no need to hold a grudge against them for a long time.
It is also worth learning to understand people. After all, if a woman was betrayed by her husband or girlfriend, this does not mean at all that other people can do the same. The main thing is to monitor what a person does not say, but does. You only need to evaluate actions and actions.
A person you can trust will always come to the rescue in difficult times, will not leave you in trouble, will not gossip behind your back, and will always keep his promise. You should not maintain any kind of relationship with envious people, as well as people who constantly deceive and do bad things, so as not to be disappointed later. This needs to be remembered.
Anxiety disorders reduce quality of life
Maria Leibovich, psychiatrist, psychotherapist of the highest category
Maria Leibovich
Anxiety disorders are a fairly wide range of diseases; according to various sources, the prevalence ranges from 5% for generalized anxiety disorder to 25% for all diseases in this category.
The “danger” depends on the severity of the manifestations: someone lives their whole life with an isolated phobia (aerophobia, social phobia), and someone, six months to a year after the appearance of the first symptoms, no longer leaves the house due to a large number of fears and a high level of anxiety . Of course, anxiety disorders reduce the quality of life and lead to social losses, limiting the possibilities of patients. I believe that these are the most reliable criteria for the need to contact a specialist.
Indeed, there is an opinion that times have their own “psychopathological overtones”
At the beginning of the 19th century, the term “hysteria” appeared, many of these disorders were identified, they were discussed, researched, and a lot was written about them. In the 20th century, hysteria was replaced by a new “popular” word - depression, and the 21st century was marked by an increase in identification and increased attention to anxiety disorders.
The “popularity” of a particular disease is influenced by awareness, availability of information, skills in identifying the disorder, and leading scientific trends of the time. It is likely that the pace of life, high information load, and the cult of “success” also contribute to the growth of anxiety disorders at present.
After betrayal
If a person says that “I don’t trust people because I was betrayed in the past,” then this means only one thing - the burden of disappointments once experienced does not allow the latter to live fully and be happy. In this case we are talking about betrayal of a loved one.
It is possible that a woman was once betrayed by her husband, and after breaking up with him, she was never able to find personal happiness and get married again due to her distrust of the opposite sex. The problem in this case is obvious.
In such a situation, people need to find the strength within themselves and forgive their ex-partner. But it’s still not worth returning to the traitor. Especially if the husband has already cheated on his wife.
If the offender still repents and asks for forgiveness, then you need to listen to him. This will make things easier for both partners.
There are couples who, having separated due to the betrayal of one of the partners (most often the husband, because men very rarely forgive betrayal), reunite to start a family. But without trust they can no longer build normal relationships. In such a situation, time must pass. It is possible that in a few months the resentment will pass, emotions will subside, and the spouses will be able to build a new harmonious relationship.
How to stop lying to yourself? 3 useful tricks
Lying is hard because you have to deal with the fear of getting caught. Therefore, most of us are afraid to openly lie to others. But we are a master at deceiving ourselves.
People are susceptible to self-deception because they are emotionally attached to their beliefs. They begin to identify with their set of beliefs. A person deceives himself by believing something untrue in order to better convince others of it.
I've recently developed some tools to help me fool myself less. Today I would like to share them with you so that you can do the same.
Definition of self-deception
In psychology, self-deception is considered one of the popular escape methods that people use to avoid feeling guilty and to allow themselves to escape from something they do not want to face. Of course, people do not intentionally deceive themselves, but their subconscious minds come up with such tricks to protect their psychological well-being.
Busy person syndrome is one of the most common examples of self-deception.
A person who cannot achieve success in a certain field may decide to escape it by pretending to be busy. Some workaholics become this way because they were unable to establish a social life and decided to isolate themselves using this brilliant method of self-deception.
You need to be very observant to notice this pathological behavior in yourself. We lie about a variety of things, from the type of diet we prefer, to the amount of exercise we do, and even factual details about our own height and weight.
We are more likely to believe the stories we tell ourselves (both true and false) than the beliefs of others. What we like to believe is often accepted as truth. And before we know it, we're creating a wonderful narrative about those beliefs—and deceiving ourselves in the process.
Escape route...
There are times when people develop the habit of self-deception as a way to cope with problems and challenges.
An example of such self-deception would be travel. We all love to travel, but some people decide to go on a trip when something goes wrong in their personal or professional life. These people may not have been able to achieve success or develop good relationships with others, and that is why they decided to run away. A person may lie to himself, claiming that he loves to travel, but in fact he loves to escape.
Many people have a way of “fooling their inner eye” into believing that they are more successful or attractive than they actually are. Even though I may like to think otherwise, I am no exception here.
This could probably explain why we see so many lovers of photo editing apps these days. People are willing to deceive the world about their appearance, income, passion or vacation without a shadow of a doubt.
University of Michigan social psychologist David Dunning, famous for the Dunning-Kruger effect, believes that “gullibility is not a new phenomenon. But its effects are compounded in the age of social media, when false information spreads quickly. We live in a world overflowing with information and misinformation.”
…To avoid confronting difficult situations
There are people who deceive themselves so as not to face difficult situations. Avoiding a chronic problem and convincing yourself that you will solve it in the future is a common disease of procrastination.
For some people, self-deception becomes a habit that gets out of control and creates the basis for more lies. Because the best way to convince others that we believe something is to actually believe it.
- Wear the mask long enough and it will become your face.
- Play a role long enough and you will actually become what you pretend to be.
- Pretend for a long time that something is true, and you can believe it yourself.
Psychological Default Responses
We lie to ourselves because we are not strong enough to admit that we are insecure and vulnerable. We try not to face the inconvenient realities of life. We're just not ready to face them yet.
When I began my journey as a writer who works at the intersection of cognitive psychology, neuroscience, and philosophy, I was filled with doubts. I was not ready to take criticism well. I found it difficult to appreciate the importance of feedback. As a result, it was difficult to get through these initial phases of complete uncertainty.
These are the psychological default responses that protect our sense of self from complex information that can harm us.
Negation
- “I don’t eat too much, even though I’m overweight.”
- “I am not dependent on cigarettes, although my daily consumption exceeds double digits.”
- "I'm not an alcoholic, although I drink daily."
As you can see, all these statements are nothing more than a desperate attempt to deceive oneself by denying reality. Our evolutionary defense mechanism ensures that we perceive these deceptive messages as “part of us”, so it becomes difficult to find fault with them.
Rationalization
- "I wouldn't be angry with him if he kept his promise."
- “I would have a more fulfilling relationship if I had a more sensitive and emotionally stable partner.”
- “I would have pursued my passion for writing if I had more time.”
This leads to destructive behavior. The problem with this approach is that your choices are made based on deceptive messages from your brain rather than your rational and true self.
Forecasts
- “You never listen to me, you don’t care about our relationship anymore.”
- "You're too ambitious to have your own family."
- "You're too invested in your friends to value other relationships."
A prediction is how your brain makes you believe in an alternate reality. He will continue to look for opportunities to blame others. But once we accept that the problem lies with us and not with others, we have enough courage to admit who we really are and give ourselves the opportunity to make inner transformation.
How to resist self-deception
I know that discovering that you are deceiving yourself may not be very pleasant. Here's how I dealt with it when I first realized my problem, and what I've learned since then.
Once I changed my focus from writer to speaker, I suddenly found myself in completely unfamiliar territory. And this territory turned out to be too scary for a newbie like me. Among my audience were mainly schoolchildren and parents shaking over them. The former are notorious for their lack of attention, the latter for their fears of the unknown. I defined a task for myself and went towards it.
After one of the speeches, I asked the school principal to share his unbiased impressions of my sincere attempt. She said:
“Everything from the content to the form was fine, but if you want to take this activity to the next level, you need to view it as an opportunity to create an emotional connection with the audience. And this is only possible if you can adjust your text to suit the needs of your audience.”
Although I assured the director that her feedback was invaluable to me, deep down I was not brave enough to even accept it.
First, there was a feeling of denial. Primarily because of the hard work involved in preparing for the performance, which she was unaware of. Then rationalization came into play. Perhaps this portion of the students was not mature enough to appreciate the subtle nuances of my words. Perhaps the parents were not brave enough to accept difficult thoughts. And sometimes even leaders cannot appreciate such thoughts due to their prejudices.
This was nothing more than my evolutionary defense mechanism, protecting my side at all costs. When I began to try to objectively analyze these automatic reactions, I stopped myself from falling into the trap of self-deception.
These three steps helped me gain more clarity:
Pause → Check in with yourself → Look into the face of fear.
Here's how I use them, and you can do the same.
1. Pause
As soon as emotions - love, shame, revenge or guilt - manifest themselves physiologically, just pause. When you hesitate to generalize, just pause. Whenever you notice any discrepancy between your values and actions, simply pause.
Take a deep breath and stop thinking.
2. Check yourself
If you have a strong reaction to certain situations, use the pause to ask:
“What is this reaction trying to tell me?”
Once we acknowledge our limitations and uncertainties, we become aware of choices, which in turn make us more responsible for the consequences of our own actions.
3. Facing your fears
If you are avoiding something or are afraid to experience your true worth, then it is time to become brave and face what you have been running away from. What do you need to take? Once you understand this, look at it with courage. You will become much more confident in yourself.
The magic of acceptance
At the core is your willingness to accept things as they are, not as you want them to be. But accepting reality is easy when you like what you see, but you have to accept it even if you don't like it - especially when you don't. And please stop trying to force the world to conform to your will.
Perhaps you have no talent for negotiations? Are you not a natural leader or an athlete? You must be brave to accept these truths and accept the consequences.
Parting Thoughts
We often understand other people much better than we understand ourselves (which is why we are so often disappointed in others, but rarely in ourselves). Therefore, the best option is to find a friend or partner who you can rely on and who can tell you the hard but honest truth.
Even then, your brain will do its best to soften the facts it doesn't like. Over time, however, you will learn to take other people's judgments seriously.
So accept reality, and accept it radically. Especially the parts you don't like. It may be painful at the moment, but it needs to be done. This will bear fruit later.
You may have to face your fair share of failures, and it's okay to make some mistakes now and then. The key is to figure out why this happened and solve the problem at its root. Because, unlike wine, problems don't get better with age.
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What psychologists advise
How to learn to trust people after resentment and betrayal experienced in the past? Not only women, but also men often turn to specialists with this question.
Psychologists advise doing the following in this situation:
- Find out the reason for the mistrust. As a rule, this problem stems from the past, unsuccessful life experiences.
- You need to forgive your offender, even if it is very difficult.
- It is imperative to analyze what happened and draw conclusions for yourself, because because of one sad incident in the past, you do not need to deprive your entire social circle of trust.
- Take a piece of paper and write on it all the psychological judgments about why you can’t trust other people (for example, they constantly deceive, betray), and then refute everything written with positive incidents from life (if it weren’t for my husband’s betrayal, I wouldn’t have met my the only and beloved person).
- It is necessary to always have a positive attitude when communicating with people who do not deserve distrust from their interlocutor.
By following this advice from psychologists, you can get rid of this psychological problem forever. After all, if a person says “I don’t trust people,” this means that he has serious reasons for this. Using the above tips you can deal with this problem.
Skeptical mood
This is a skill that will allow you to protect yourself from unscrupulous people. You should learn to criticize all information coming from outside. For example, if an older brother says that he saw his friend’s phone, which he bought for pennies, you should make sure of this, but not take his word for it.
At the same time, you should prepare for a negative reaction. After all, people are accustomed to considering you gullible, so they will begin to be offended if you stop trusting them. Every time you are told new information, maintain a grain of salt. This will protect you from future disappointment.
Fear of being deceived again
It also happens that a person develops a pathological distrust of others. Of course, this is influenced by events of the past, negative experiences in love relationships, betrayal of a friend. But what next? All the sad events have already happened, but what still prevents a person from continuing to live fully, love, and build relationships? This is fear. A person is simply afraid to relive the same negative experience. Therefore, in order to start trusting people, you need to find the reason for your distrust, and then move on to the investigation.
To the above
If a woman was ever betrayed by a man, then this had to happen. This is an experience. But this does not mean that you need to withdraw into yourself and not allow yourself to love and start new relationships. You just need to be realistic. We must learn to understand people, see their actions, and not just listen to words.
If a person is afraid of losing something close and dear again, this means that something similar has already happened in his life. But you need to continue to live, start a family, make new friends. However, you don’t need to blindly believe everything. The experience was given so that a person understands that people are different. Some will always be faithful, while others will betray at the right moment. This needs to be taken into account.
Trust is sometimes unnecessary
Surely in the life of every person it happened that excessive gullibility played a cruel joke on him. The worst thing is that this quality often affects not only the psycho-emotional state. Advertising mailings promising gifts and reduced prices, dubious services - all this can end disastrously for the family budget. If you have experienced first-hand what excessive gullibility is, it’s time to learn how to stop being naive.
There are many ways to cultivate rational thinking. First of all, you should not go to extremes. If you understand that your gullibility and kindness directly harms you, you should not look at this situation categorically. You have to believe, but not everyone and not always.
FAQ
How to trust people if a person has previously experienced a serious negative experience? Most importantly, you don't need to constantly think about your past. Everything bad has already happened, for example, my husband left the family, my friend betrayed me, my colleague set me up at work and my boss fired me. However, this does not mean that the girl will not be able to get married again and become happy, find a new job and make friends with another, more decent person. Therefore, in order to get rid of mistrust of other people, you do not need to constantly remember the negative past and dwell on bad experiences. After all, after a black streak in life there always comes a white one.
Can you trust people who have already betrayed you once? Not only men, but also women often turn to specialists with this question. So, psychologists believe that everything depends on the specific situation. Although it is hardly possible to justify betrayal. However, if a person sincerely repents and asks for forgiveness for his actions, then another can forgive him, although he is not obliged to do so. Nevertheless, it is unlikely that it will be possible to regain trust in a person here. After all, whoever betrayed once can betray a second time. Don't forget about this.
I'm afraid of everything
Anna Utkina. Photo: Anna Danilova
I'm afraid all the time. Mainly oncology, but also blood clots, multiple sclerosis and heart attack. I'm afraid of the dark, of going far from home, of losing sight of one of the children. I’m afraid I won’t get enough sleep (and that’s why I can’t get enough sleep without pills), I’m afraid that my loved ones will die in their sleep. I'm afraid of maniacs, I'm afraid of the elevator, I'm afraid that I'll throw up. Rotavirus for me is hell on earth. I'm afraid of the inevitability of death. Not so much that I’m a little afraid, sometimes I think or “Oh, when I think about it...”. And I constantly spin these thoughts in my head. I have been struggling with anxiety disorder since November 2015. I faceof anxiety disorder.
It all started with an operation to remove a benign tumor. When my histology came back, the doctor advised me to double-check the result at the oncology clinic. “Mistakes happen so often! - he said. “There was one case...” This became a trigger that set off a terrible alarm in my head. Everything began to grow like a snowball.
Reading the stories of seriously ill people, I began to try them on myself. Moreover, many could not be diagnosed for a long time, people missed valuable time. Over the course of two years, I did five or six ultrasounds of each organ, an MRI of the brain, and an MSCT scan of the skull (it seemed to me that the skull was a little uneven). And even the positive research results could not convince me. After all, mistakes happen!
What will happen to my children? Who will take care of my elderly parents, because I am an only child! For two years my life resembled hell with a constant search for symptoms of often non-existent diseases.
Every morning I started with self-diagnosis. Did you go to the mirror and look to see if a rash appeared anywhere? She constantly checked the condition of the lymph nodes, teeth, and pupil size. Any cold and slight increase in temperature were accompanied by detailed blood tests, urine tests, and allergy tests.
Addition
Why doesn't a person trust? Most often, precisely because he has already encountered deception and betrayal in his life. However, not all people who have had negative experiences in the past withdraw into themselves and stop seeing and communicating with others. Although this also happens.
For example, a man no longer wants to build serious relationships with women due to the fact that his beloved girl did not wait for him from the army. The latter believes that all representatives of the fair sex can do the same. But, fortunately, this is not the case. Moreover, when people have such fear of building new relationships and meeting another person, they definitely need to work through this problem with a psychologist and get rid of it. This needs to be remembered.
Alternative option
First of all, it is necessary to understand whether there really is excessive gullibility. It's not difficult to do this at all. It is enough just to analyze the last problem and draw a conclusion as a result of which it was formed. If you lost your business due to betrayal, were deceived again due to excessive naivety, or again bought an absolutely unnecessary thing just because “His Majesty Chance” chose you, it’s time to start working on yourself. After all, it is obvious that in this case it is naivety that plays bad jokes.
You shouldn’t categorically refuse to communicate with everyone. You can communicate, make friends, start romances and build a business, but you need to do this with extreme caution, carefully checking the words and actions of your partners. Sometimes just the realization that you can be deceived is enough to stop being kind and naive. Alternatively, healthy criticism. It is appropriate always and everywhere.
