How to make friends with others if you're a shy introvert

Be yourself

Introverts need solitude, and you shouldn’t give it up.
It's okay if you don't want to spend all your time around other people. So before you look for new friends, ask yourself, do you really need it? Maybe you just think that you should have more acquaintances - like everyone else? Or maybe this point of view was imposed on you? But if you really want to expand your social circle, first of all determine what kind of people you want to have around you. Usually you feel most comfortable with those who share your interests and views on life.

Therefore, you should focus on what interests you, find people with similar hobbies and let new acquaintances get to know you better and love you for who you really are.

Why communication is important

During communication, psychological contact is established between people, and they exchange information, thoughts, ideas, emotions, and also influence each other. As humanity develops, the intensity and importance of communication increases. The amount of data that needs to be transferred and the number of opportunities to do so are growing.

The psychology of communication is based on the following important aspects:

The purpose, that is, the reason for the occurrence of contact and the transfer of information. Animals also communicate with each other, transmitting a variety of signals without words in order to satisfy biological needs. Human communications are diverse - cultural, social, aesthetic, creative, cognitive.
Content - data transmitted during communication, information, skill or experience, even feelings.
Means or method of transmitting information. We convey it through words (oral or written), as well as non-verbally (facial expressions, gestures, sound and timbre of voice).

Thus, “talking” and “communicating” are not the same thing. Communication is a complex process that combines verbal communication (what we say) and nonverbal communication (how we do it). Our thoughts, feelings, and subconscious impulses participate in it. Thus, fear, refusal, anger or envy significantly influence the reaction of the interlocutor.

Why communication is important: Freepick

Communication is necessary for a person to:

interact with people at different levels - from individual to social;
understand the information conveyed;
exchange data;
form new connections and develop them;
lead and perform different roles in society;
emotionally contact.

Such a wide range of functions confirms the importance of communication, and accordingly, the need to develop this skill, which is emphasized by psychologist Natalya Mikhailova.

In life, this is extremely useful, since communication is closely related to such properties and abilities as:

Observation. When we note the characteristics of the behavior, appearance, and facial expressions of the interlocutor, we draw conclusions about what kind of person is in front of us and how to communicate with him. This helps you choose different communication styles.
Memory. The more information about a person we remember, the more successful the communication is. Communication trains memory.
Broad outlook. Interesting interlocutors are keenly interested in everything that happens around them and know how to carry on conversations on any topic.
Sensitivity. For everyday communication, it is not necessary to understand true thoughts and feelings from the slightest contraction of the facial muscles. But knowledge of the basics of body language and expression of emotions comes as communication skills develop.

A person is inseparable from the process of communication. This means that we have to contact a variety of people, including those who are unpleasant to us. But even such communication can be built effectively if you master the rules of communication.

Change not yourself, but your behavior

Personality traits are not easy to change, but sometimes you can try to behave differently. Psychologists found out S. Margolis, S. Lyubomirsky. Experimental manipulation of extraverted and introverted behavior and its effects on well-being / Journal of experimental psychology. General, more extroverted behavior can have a positive effect on a person's well-being.

Try exchanging a few words with a colleague in the office kitchen, accepting an invitation to a party, leaving a comment in a community on a social network. Monitor how you feel when you do unusual things. If you're uncomfortable, don't force yourself.

Following simple rules

As a rule, conversations with family, friends and relatives do not cause us any difficulties. We experience the strongest desire to talk with such people, especially since we know very well about their reaction to certain statements, remarks, news. The desire to communicate with strangers is not so high, but often it is forced and necessary. You need to talk to strangers only in a positive way, showing only positive qualities and character traits, being friendly. It is better to do this with a smile on your face, following the existing rules of communication. It is even more important that the phrases you say are appropriate.

Finally, we bring to your attention several effective recommendations for competently building interpersonal relationships and interacting with others:

be sensitive and attentive to the inner world of your interlocutor;
remember, everyone deserves respect;
show interest in the interlocutor, find positive qualities in him;
do not pay attention to minor shortcomings, everyone has them; there are no ideal people;
develop your own sense of humor and self-irony.

Be interested in people, ask questions

When we meet new people, we have to talk about ourselves, and every introvert is afraid of this. But the conversation doesn't have to be about you.

Jenn Granneman

author of the book “The Secret Life of Introverts. The Art of Survival in the Loud World of Extroverts"

Introverts have a superpower: listening. So get the other person talking by asking questions.

Lack of interpersonal contacts and its consequences

The degree to which a person needs to contact and interact with his own kind determines his life as a whole and his location (place) in society. This could be family, work team, friends, school, university group. A person deprived of the opportunity to talk and contact with other people, and therefore unable to perform all the functions of communication, will never be able to become a social person, join society and develop culturally. It will only resemble a person in appearance.

“Mowgli children”, deprived of the opportunity to contact and interact with representatives of their species immediately after birth or in early childhood, prove this fact, and therefore how important the role of communication is in human life. Being isolated from human speech, they naturally have no idea what it’s like to talk to someone. The body of such individuals develops naturally, but the development of the psyche is delayed, or even does not occur at all. The main reason for this lies in the lack of communicative experience with other people, and therefore in the absence of all communication functions. Actually, such cases, like nothing else, prove how important it is for a person to contact and talk with other people.

Use your strengths

Other people may like your character traits, behavioral characteristics, and skills. Take advantage of this.

Study yourself, find out what you are good at. For example, you may be a great listener, compassionate and empathetic, and your friends may rely on you for support and ability to keep secrets.

Your unique qualities may appeal to another introvert who recognizes you as a congenial person, or they may complement the opposite traits of an extrovert.

First, let's figure out what personality types exist?

Paul McGee, author of the bestselling book Mastery of Communication. How to find a common language with anyone,” gives his own classification of personality types:

Type 1. "Cheerleader"

An extrovert who acts spontaneously takes on several things at once.

Type 2. "Guardian"

A sociable, conflict-free person. He will tend to give in most of the time, thereby wanting to get along with everyone.

Type 3. "Captain"

He tries to gain universal recognition. Such a person is impatient, decisive, prefers to talk rather than listen.

Type 4. “Thinker”

The same introvert who loves solitude, he likes to do statistics, analysis, planning.

Don't be afraid to try new things

If your current hobbies aren't helping you expand your social circle, look for new hobbies. You can start with something you've always been interested in: taking a dance class or a tour of your hometown, volunteering, or participating in community events.

There is no need to talk to anyone for the first time if you are uncomfortable. But if you enjoy it, you can continue going to events and maintain a relationship with someone you already met there.

We are often drawn to people with similar values and experiences, but don't be afraid to meet people who are different from you. Communication with them will help expand your horizons or even change your view of the world.

How to learn to talk to people with the help of training

To learn how to get along with people, you can undergo special training.

The online intensive “Effective Communication” is suitable for:
Entrepreneurs, executives, top managers.
For those who work with clients, middle managers, and freelancers.
To everyone who is involved in raising children.
Anyone who wants to improve their communication with others.

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev, an expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer Paul Ekman International. Managing Director of Paul Ekman International in Russia (PEI Russia).

You will learn:

Communicate with closed people.
Coping with daily problems involving other people.
Influence your environment and much more.

The course lasts 1 month and contains 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests + webinars with emotional intelligence experts.

The training consists of 4 blocks:

Emotions. Basics.
Emotional stability and emotional flexibility.
Social efficiency.
Building harmonious relationships.

How it goes:

You are watching video lectures.
Then you complete independent tasks to reinforce the material.
Participate in webinars and discuss difficult issues.
Take tests on the material you have studied.
You complete the intensive course and receive a certificate.

The cost of completing it independently is 1,040 rubles, with a curator – 2,370 rubles.

They will refund your money if you decide within 7 days that the course is not suitable for you.

Take a closer look at people you already know

You don't have to look for friends among strangers. The author of books about introverts, Sophia Dembling, suggests First, Leave the House: Strategies for Making New Friends / Psychology Today to pay attention to those around you: some of them may turn out to be interesting people with similar hobbies and views on life.

Maybe your colleague loves the same music as you and would be happy to join you at a concert. Or he reads just as much and is ready to share his collection of interesting books. Or maybe your former classmate is actually an interesting girl with whom you can talk about everything in the world? Look closely at people!

Styles and classification

Based on some features, communication in a person’s life can be divided into direct (immediate) and indirect (mediated). In the first case, communication between the interlocutors occurs directly; they communicate with each other using appropriate facial expressions, gestures, intonation and tone.

In the second case, information between interlocutors is not transmitted directly, but indirectly (letters, documentation, media, etc.). It is worth noting that direct communication has better effectiveness and impact on the interlocutor than indirect communication. However, the first type can be more subject to emotions, since such communication in the life of every person occurs in real time, and the second - to common sense, since there is time to comprehend the situation and analyze it.

There are also formal and informal types of communication, from which it follows that relationships between people are business and personal. Consequently, the rules of communication for each of the two types will be different. In the first case, sympathy or antipathy is expressed towards each other, respect or lack thereof, trust or distrust. But business communication is the relationship that develops between people who are members of certain social groups and organizations. It is based on the rights and obligations existing in a particular group (organization). Consequently, the role of communication in a person’s professional activity and its role in everyday life are significantly different. If in the first case a person is limited by certain frameworks and rules dictated by the organization (company), then in the second he is limited only by his own opinion, desires and character traits. What may be common here is perhaps the role of education, but not the role of communication in general.

Be a little more persistent

If you want to make friends with someone, don’t be afraid to take a risk and take the first step, write, start a conversation.

Sofia Dembling

author of books about introverts

What seems intrusive to you may seem friendly to others. Our sensitivity can work for us or against us. Don't be so sensitive that you're afraid to take risks. Be sensitive enough to know whether to step aside.

And don’t be afraid of awkwardness in communication if it arises at first. It does not describe you or the other person in any way. That's just what happens at the beginning of a friendship.

"Stars" are ruining the team

To prevent collapse, it is best to remove them from the team. In almost any, even the most friendly and cohesive team, there is an employee who opposes himself to everyone and does not want to work in a group.

The reasons for such behavior in the workplace can be completely different, but, as a rule, they all simply come down to an unwillingness to work in a team.

If such an employee is allowed to do as he wants, then others will appear who want to do the same, and in the end the team will simply fall apart. Therefore, such “stars” should be sent into free swimming immediately as they appear. There are no exceptions to this rule for anyone.

Don't chase quantity

Psychologists believe R. Cabello, P. Fernandez‑Berroca. Under which conditions can introverts achieve happiness? Mediation and moderation effects of the quality of social relationships and emotion regulation ability on happiness / PeerJ, which actually doesn’t matter how many friends you have. What matters is how suitable they are for you. Because the quality of relationships with people directly affects the feeling of happiness and satisfaction with life.

You may only need to have strong relationships with your family and one friend, get along with your co-workers, and maintain polite conversation when necessary. And if you feel so comfortable, good. In the end, it is better to have one but good friend than to gather a crowd of acquaintances for whom you have neither time nor energy.

Sometimes it’s easier to do it than to explain that you can’t do it

It’s a rather strange principle, but in some difficult situations it simply works flawlessly, especially when a long discussion of a serious problem has practically reached a dead end, and all the rational arguments and arguments that you offer simply do not work.

The emotional atmosphere of such a dispute is too intense, but there is no result. Try to simply agree with your interlocutors, but do exactly what you think is necessary.

In some cases, you should not argue and contradict everyone, trying to prove the rationality of your opinion, because it is impossible to achieve results if emotions have overcome reason. You just need to do it your own way, and then say that this is exactly how it happened. Yes, this is somewhat incorrect, but very effective.

Get into the routine of friendship

Many introverts like routine, so don't be afraid to ask friends to meet once a week at a certain time. For example, to have lunch on Saturday at your favorite restaurant or take a walk in the park on Tuesday after work.

Jenn Granneman

author of the book “The Secret Life of Introverts. The art of surviving in the “loud” world of extroverts”

When we know what to expect, we feel more comfortable and spend less energy. In addition, this way you won’t have to come up with something new and interesting every time you get together.