Author of the material:
Inna Trofimova
writer, psychologist, gestalt therapist
It is ideality that will ensure my happiness, many believe. But research by psychologists from the University of Kansas City has shown that our ideas about the ideal do not remain unchanged even for a few minutes. In addition, beauty ideals are simply implanted into our consciousness without our knowledge. In this article, we will tell you why waiting for an ideal partner leads to loneliness, and we will share techniques that will help you get closer to your ideal self.
What is an ideal?
An ideal is a difficult to achieve or completely unattainable example of perfection, a high dream or image to which a person strives in behavior and appearance. Perfection is not necessarily the goal. Rather, it is a comparison criterion that helps us compare expectations with reality and adjust the vector of action. And the ability to idealize is a motivator to achieve a goal, the ability to depend less on external incentives. So we need ideals, they fill our lives with meaning.
It is believed that the desire for unattainable perfection is at the core of human nature. But there are people who set high standards and look for ways to improve themselves and others. These are idealists. If they get carried away by an idea, they stop noticing everything around them and devote their lives to searching for the ideal. Idealists with traits of high sensitivity and low tolerance are called dreamers . Those who blindly follow their beliefs in search of an ideal are called fanatics.
The word “ideal” and its derivatives come from the French word with Greek roots “Ideal” - “image”, “idea”. It appeared in general use at the beginning of the 19th century and was broadly interpreted as a representation of the highest world perfection. The concept was included in all Russian dictionaries and encyclopedias, and in the dictionary of literary epithets it was adorned with additional characteristics: “sublime”, “pure”, “radiant”, “unfading”.
The concept of ideal is applicable to concrete or abstract objects, constant or variable concepts. There is an idea of ideal appearance, morality, beauty, a work of art, life, love. It can be perfection in relationships between people; sometimes it is a model that embodies the most valuable and attractive qualities, traits, and abilities; it is a set of norms of behavior or a criterion for separating good and evil.
About Logos
Is there a concept of “evil” in Stoicism?
The Stoics would rather say that evil as such does not exist in nature. There are monstrous things that a person or, for example, nature can do. But, from the point of view of Stoicism, this is not evil. There are cause-and-effect relationships that are incomprehensible to us, conceived and implemented by the Logos.
For example, if something seems wrong and unfair to us, does it just mean that we are looking at the wrong level of the system?
Right. If we could grow to the level of the entire system, we would understand why this or that phenomenon is needed. And, most importantly, how perfectly everything is implemented. Actually, this is the position of the sage.
Let me try to paraphrase and even exaggerate a little. It turns out that Logos does not seem to optimize the life of an individual and does not strive to make it as comfortable as possible?
Never at all. This is the history of the entire system. Man is just a part of the Logos and the question is that he must accept the “interests” of the entire system. This worldview allows you to be joyful in any situation, even the most difficult.
This is one of the fundamental theses of Stoicism - to live according to nature, i.e. in accordance with the laws of Logos.
Let's then try to determine what Logos is?
Few people can understand what Logos is. But, to simplify it, this is a kind of living intelligent organism that represents the entire Universe. Those. The Universe itself is one single living organism that is permeated with intelligence. We are part of this intelligence.
Moreover, the Logos, as Heraclitus taught, at some point ignited and is still burning, but someday it will burn itself out and be restored again, exactly in the same state as it was. An interesting conclusion emerges from this: it turns out that, for example, our conversation about Stoicism has already happened (and in the same words) and will happen an infinite number of times in the future. And the only thing we can change is our attitude towards it. This is our free will.
Another example. Modern man wants to choose his own role, but Stoicism says “Stop! You can't do this. You've already been given the role. And please fulfill it to the best of your ability.” Do everything as if it were done by a professional of the highest level.
Who did the Stoics consider to be the ideal sage?
I like Stoicism because there are no indisputable authorities in it. There are certain canons. But they also need to be double-checked. But there is no guru. None of the Stoic authors considered themselves sages. Seneca has several names. For example, Cato for him was the ideal of a sage. Socrates and Heraclitus are also mentioned. Sometimes we can find that Zeno himself is a sage, perhaps everything.
Idealism.
The ideality of something is reflected in religion, science, art, literature, jurisprudence, and the form of statehood.
Although ideas about the material and immaterial arose long before they were reflected in philosophical treatises, Plato is considered the founder of the movement of objective idealism. The world according to Plato does not depend on our consciousness, that is, the world is objective. The heritage of Platonism was later used by idealist philosophers Kant, Hegel, Schelling, and Schopenhauer for their ideas.
Plato's ideas were so popular that they were used to justify the Christian and Muslim religions. And it is not surprising, because idealism is to a large extent inherent in the religious world - the desire for the Absolute lies at the basis of all religious teachings. The ideal in religion is an example of the greatest sacrifice of oneself in the name of goodness and justice. Such examples have always been saints, righteous people, ascetic monks.
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In psychology, the concept of the “ideal self” was introduced by Sigmund Freud. The self-ideal serves to determine a person’s love for himself, which is formed in childhood and remains a role model throughout life. Additionally can be considered as the highest being in a person's personality. The term is used in psychotherapy, but is interpreted differently by different psychoanalysts. For example, some consider the ideal image to be a consequence of psychosis or neurosis.
Take the neurosis test
In literature, an ideal is, first of all, a face or image of a person who has external features and internal qualities and performs actions. This is the image of a Hero with a Capital “H”, who remains a role model for many generations. If we give examples from classical literature, ideal heroes are Pierre Bezukhov, Count of Montecristo, D'Artagnan, Tatyana Larina.
The ideal in art is “perfection” and “completeness” embodied in the artistic image. In science , these are experimental and theoretical methods that help achieve the most valid knowledge.
Idealism is opposed to materialism - the belief that the surrounding matter is genuine and basic for the creation of the world. Idealistic philosophy with features of aristocracy, pretentiousness and impracticality looks like an outdated theory. But the need for an ideal is as inescapable in human existence as the need for beauty and justice.
Ideals of beauty.
The concept of the ideal of beauty has changed in different eras - this is a well-known fact. And in the modern wave of body positivity, identifying a role model is becoming increasingly difficult. The canonical beauties Mona Lisa or Botticelli's Venus would hardly be successful today. So ideality is a very subjective category and less definable than it seems at first glance.
Constructs about an ideal partner, friend, ideal appearance, figure, life, work are just a convenient abstraction to simplify thoughts. But it is dangerous for several reasons:
- A person fixated on ideality becomes a convenient object for market manipulation. The most powerful industries in weight loss, cosmetics, and aesthetic medicine make money from it.
- Your own inconsistency with the invented ideal is frightening, causes feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, increases self-doubt in your own talents, and drives you into depression.
- Idealization (giving someone perfect qualities) develops psychological dependence on the ideal. And in romantic relationships, idealizing a partner forces him to live up to expectations.
- With close acquaintance, the idealized image is destroyed, which leads to disappointment in the partner.
- A person who is immersed in mental constructs about the ideal partner ends up lonely.
- Contrived symbols of sexuality and “beautiful” pornography distort not only the expectations of intimate relationships, but also people’s ideas about themselves. This increases the misunderstanding between men and women in real life.
- Waiting for the perfect partner can play a cruel joke on us. It creates the illusion that the relationship will magically improve without the efforts of both partners.
Take a depression test
Ideality is a powerful incentive to become better . But there is a risk that for the sake of it we will abandon reality. To prevent this from happening, you will have to learn to accept yourself as you are.
About the utmost effort
Is it some kind of concept of ultimate effort?
Yes, absolutely.
How can we be absolutely sure that we really did everything we could? It seems to be very subjective.
Yes, we almost always don’t push it, we don’t push it to the limit. Only a sage can do this. And those who strive for wisdom try to live in such a way that about as many situations as possible they can sincerely say: “We did everything that was in our power!” And this, ultimately, is always a conversation between a person and himself and a question of internal honesty. Among the Stoics, by the way, parity is included in the virtue of courage.
Seneca has a whole treatise where he discusses this. And he says: “You will always justify yourself to everyone else, but you will never justify yourself to yourself. If you judge yourself, then be a fair judge. Judge yourself the same way you judge others.” And he recommends summing up the results of the day every day so as not to fall into illusions about how skillfully you lived this day.
Many Eastern teachings set as their goal the achievement of a state of “inner silence” (lack of thoughts). Isn't this the case with the Stoics?
Here, all meditation comes down to the constant reproduction of the basic principles of Stoicism - short phrases that return a person to the right thoughts.
And a person’s task comes down to ensuring that he puts together a “picture of the world” based on these phrases. It's a full-time job. And, if, for example, the Epicureans were for relaxation, then the Stoics were for tension. They said that a sage can be compared to an inflatable balloon, which is so tense from the inside that nothing external can crush it.
What to do with imperfections?
Psychologists say that the hardest thing is not finding the strength every day to change or make wise decisions. The hardest thing is to give up the title of Superman and thereby admit your imperfection.
It's scary to accept your imperfections. Admitting your imperfect appearance, relationships, and actions is the same as admitting your own inferiority. Especially against the backdrop of many courses, seminars, books with the promise of showing the path to perfection.
The process of accepting one’s imperfection seems to many to be a strategic multi-step, akin to self-deception. But rather than waste energy worrying, it’s better to work on your thoughts.
Learn to manage your inner critic.
The inner critic, as usual, comes from childhood. At an early age, a child perceives himself as adults talk about him. The more often he hears “you can’t do anything properly” or “you have hooked hands,” the more he gets used to criticism. When he grows up, the critic continues to “live” in his head and speak in the voice of his mother, father, first teacher, friend, or the intrusive voice of advertising.
So the first step is to get to know your inner critic. Think about whose voice he is speaking to you in. Ask where it came from. Once you understand this, you will learn to distinguish: he really advises or just mumbles for his own pleasure.
The second step will help you realize its benefits. Thanks to criticism, we not only set a high standard for ourselves, but also build up our “moral muscles.” Like a caring mentor, a critic suggests what knowledge needs to be improved and what is better to abandon.
The third step will help maintain the desired distance. Don't assume that your inner critic always tells the truth. You can obey him, but not transfer all his powers. As soon as comments weaken your self-confidence, turn them off and continue on your own.
Coping with impostor syndrome.
Imposter syndrome is a familiar lack of self-esteem. This is a lack of trust in your talent, intelligence, and decisions. It's the fear that someone perfect will come along and expose our incompetence. The worst part is that the syndrome works, even if there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.
Take the test: Self-Esteem Scale
There are several solutions in this situation:
- Treat yourself well . Prioritize your health, well-being, and peace of mind. Laugh at yourself with gentle irony. Calm your perfectionism. Give yourself permission to brag about your achievements.
- Find like-minded people . Look for friends, mentors, a support group. Share your ideas and accept constructive feedback.
- Fake it until you make it . Research has shown that if you think you're talented, others will think the same. Deceive yourself until you believe in your talent and find creative motivation. Then you won't have to pretend. After all, you will become what you wanted.
Reduce unhealthy perfectionism.
Research shows that the current generation is more prone to perfectionism than previous generations. We are driven by imposed advertising, the perfect picture on social networks, the need to create an impeccable family and raise exemplary children. Healthy perfectionism has a good side - ambition, a desire to improve. But many people are simply “driven” to search for the best.
How to get rid of the obsessive need to do everything perfectly? If any error terrifies you, try the following:
- Understand that the ideal is just an illusion . The human brain is considered the most perfect among all living things on the planet. But it only develops during study. This means that you cannot give up self-development. We just need to focus our energy on what we can: read, listen to good music, learn languages.
- Learn to make profitable mistakes . The greatest harm that mistakes can bring is the fear of making them. Fear fetters the mind and body. We behave unnaturally, make mistakes again and stop trying again. But every mistake increases your skill, adds confidence and calmness. So no mistakes, no development.
- Focus on the process . Ideals are stable. When they collapse, we feel pain, and a protracted crisis occurs in life. If you only think about the end goal, motivation is depleted. Therefore, it is better to break the big goal into micro-solutions and implement them gradually. But the main thing is to praise yourself after every victory.
Duty in Stoicism
Let's talk about debt. The Stoics have a lot to say about this, don’t they?
The Stoics say: “Since you were born in a human body, be kind enough to show your humanity in everything. For example, you, as a social being, live in society and do some things. Then do them efficiently, to the maximum!” This is your duty as a person. Do everything to the best of your ability. And don't worry about the result.
Do the Stoics not care about the outcome?
Important. But the result is not only in your control. It is in your power to do everything in your power to the highest possible quality.
Personal Beliefs
In psychology, beliefs are understood as a person’s system of views on the world and his place in it, on relationships with other people and attitude to business. Beliefs are formed throughout an individual's life under the influence of the social environment and personal experience.
The dominant role is played by the social factor; therefore, the foundations of beliefs are laid in our consciousness by society. The authority of the source and the faith factor are of great importance. Children trust their parents and teachers; they are authorities for them, and therefore have a decisive influence on the formation of their worldview. And adults believe in politicians (although they don’t always admit it), the media, authoritative friends and books. It is these sources that have the most noticeable influence on a person’s beliefs.
However, it is also impossible to call a person a passive object of social influence. He passes through himself and processes any information, correlates it with existing experience and significant values. Therefore, we can say that beliefs are a kind of fusion of the social and the individual.
Beliefs play an important role in a person's life. They largely determine his social position and personality orientation. Beliefs are also closely related to life goals and attitudes.
General information
Spiritual and moral standards of the individual serve as a prototype for imitation. Society places certain demands on people for moral behavior. Its carrier is precisely moral standards. The image of a highly developed personality in moral terms embodies within itself those positive properties that serve as a model of relationships and behavior between people. It is these properties that force a person, namely society as a whole, to improve their own moral appearance, and therefore to develop.
Ideal human life
From all of the above, we can say that each person has his own value system. Each person sets certain goals for himself. By achieving them, a person realizes his ideal of life.
For one, the ideal in life is family, for another, material values. Each of us has our own ideal of life. Everyone makes efforts to achieve it. To do this, he sets goals for himself. This is very important, it is the goal that motivates a person to develop in the direction he needs.
Attitude of scientists
The standards and moral values of different times differed from each other. Many famous thinkers and poets raised this topic in their own works. For Aristotle, the moral standard consisted of self-contemplation, knowledge of the truth and detachment from worldly affairs. According to Kant, within any personality there is a “perfect man.” The abstract for his actions is the moral standard. This is a typical internal compass that brings a person closer to perfection, but at the same time does not make him perfect. Each philosopher, scientist, and theologian had his own image and his own awareness of the moral standard.
