What is resentment from a psychological point of view, how to stop constantly being offended?

Resentment is a strong destructive feeling with a destructive effect. A person who has suffered an insult stops communication with loved ones, changes the attitude of those around him, and damages his health. Resentment, the psychology of which points to a wide range of causal factors, causes pain and emptiness. These feelings persist for a long time - they can cause discomfort to a person for days, weeks, years.

Even after the pain is relieved when the insults are recalled in the memory, the serious condition returns with the same force. To prevent such situations, it is important to be able to transform negative internal responses and eliminate created attitudes that violate harmony.

Psychology of resentment

Resentment in psychology is characterized as a state that arises when pronouncing words or performing actions that do not fit into the framework of another person’s perception. It is typical of the following manifestations and conditions:

• hostility;
• irritation;
• mental pain;
• feeling of betrayal;
• the desire to inflict similar pain on the offender;
• subjective view of the situation due to muted consciousness;
• anger.

What is resentment in psychology? The basis of indignation lies in the emergence of a negative state caused by unfulfilled expectations from a person. These expectations are divided into 2 groups:

• real - expectation of fulfillment of a promise;
• imaginary - the opinion that a person will act this way and not otherwise.

The answer occurs regardless of the type of expectation. Subsequently, it is directed along 1 of 2 paths: manifested externally or hidden internally. In the first case, conflict mainly arises, in the second - a feeling of emptiness, a cooling of the attitude towards the offender.

The resentment of one participant is accompanied by a feeling of guilt of the other. In the absence of this feeling, resentment loses its “ground.” It is impossible to be offended by an object that is unable to react (an animal, a stranger, an inanimate object). Persons who do not have remorse or a desire to correct the current situation will also not cause offense. Their actions cause anger and irritation.

How to deal with grievances?

Psychology determines ways to deal with resentment based on the fact that the response to a negative situation depends on the type of human character:

1. Choleric, expressive personalities, extroverts often pour out emotions on the offender. The resulting misunderstanding affects relationships and can lead to quarrels and hostility.
2. Melancholic individuals prefer to contain the negative response within themselves. They put pressure on the conscience of the offender with hidden techniques. Feelings of injustice can cause depression. The conflict may not have a strong negative connotation, but such people can be offended for years, hiding their opinion about what happened and not trying to correct the situation.

Knowing your own personality type helps you predict your answer and provides the opportunity for psychological preparation. Forecasting your opponent's reaction to specific words and actions will help you promptly change the direction of the conversation and prevent the development of a conflict.

When a difficult situation arises, it is important not to hold negativity inside yourself or spill it on others in search of justice. This destructive feeling is due to a subjective interpretation that can be transformed and controlled.

To combat feelings of resentment, psychology recommends taking the following effective steps:

• getting rid of negative feelings, changing the focus of attention;
• drawing a lesson from the situation (analysis of the factors that led to an unfavorable reaction: unjustified expectations, incorrect interpretation of the situation, misunderstanding of the interlocutor).

Causes

The feeling of resentment is familiar to every person. Children get offended very often. But the older we get, the more we think about how appropriate the offense is. And more and more often we want to understand the reasons for its occurrence.

So why does resentment arise? According to psychology, the cause of offense is the erroneous expectations of the one who was offended. The mechanism for developing resentment looks like this:

• ideas and expectations regarding a particular person;
• facts (real actions and behaviors that are typical for this person);
• analysis of these actions and comparison with expectations;
• responses (thoughts, attitudes, actions, feelings).

It turns out that people are offended by their own mistakes. They allow themselves to be offended because they expect from their opponents what they are not capable of.

Less touchy and traumatized people, in the event of a discrepancy between expectations and reality, try to understand their opponent, take his place, and build an adequate idea of ​​him based on what happened.

Trying to understand another person means the desire to justify his actions, to understand the peculiarities of his thinking and personality. This does not mean that you should accept the position of another person or allow yourself to be humiliated. Moreover, you have every right to be angry, but you need to figure everything out so as not to repeat the same mistake and set adequate expectations for this person.

Those who are programmed to play the role of victims and have the corresponding psychology withdraw into themselves, continue to accumulate negativity, and enjoy their resentment. Being offended, such a person seems to ask: “How dare someone offend me?” Touchiness is associated with internal dissatisfaction and distrust of the world. A touchy person is sure that everyone around him is only puzzled by how to offend him, how to harm him.

Important! Touchiness, as a character trait, is associated with childhood psychotrauma and the costs of family upbringing. As a rule, those who do not have enough love and attention from their mother become touchy (offense is manipulation to attract attention), and those who, on the contrary, grew up in conditions of permissiveness (parents did not explain to the child that other people have their own boundaries, interests, needs).

The emergence of resentment and its potential consequences

Your own negative answer is based on misconceptions about your partner, a comparison of his way of seeing the world with his personal worldview.

Over time, each individual creates his own set of ideas about the environment. If acceptable behaviors among participants are roughly similar, there is harmony. Disagreement and lack of objectivity cause negative responses: “I thought you would act differently,” “I think your words are wrong.”

In the question of why a person gets offended by trifles, psychology points to a number of factors, conditionally divided into 3 groups:

1. Unconscious control due to lack of ability to forgive. According to psychologists, this is the most common cause of grievances.
2. Conscious manipulation. It causes a feeling of guilt in the opponent, followed by the offender getting what he wants.
3. Frustrated expectations. Perceiving your worldview as exclusively true leads to the fact that the expectations associated with others will not be met over time. The reasons can be different, significant or more minor. The following situations can be cited as examples. A colleague forgets to give a person a ride home (“I’ve given him rides several times! He should have offered me a similar service!”). A friend from Facebook forgot to congratulate him on his birthday (“And I always congratulate him. Next time I’ll deliberately ignore his birthday!”).

If a person is constantly offended, psychology provides a number of consequences of this destructive feeling:

1. Losing connection with others. Not all people indulge in guilt over the destructive logic of another person in the hope of rekindling the relationship. In addition, the offender may tell friends about the conflict that has arisen, as a result of which they will begin to avoid contact with the offended person.
2. Few people are aimed at analyzing the reasons for a person’s inappropriate behavior or identifying the specific reasons for his offense. Most people simply don't have enough time for this. An offended person has to keep destructive feelings within himself.
3. Resentment, from a psychological point of view, leads to health problems. This is due to its direct connection with the nervous system. Anxiety, mediated by the destruction of balanced communication with loved ones and the violation of one’s own interests, affects a person’s physical condition.

Characteristics of resentment in psychology

According to psychologists, resentment is one of the most common reasons why a person seeks advice from a specialist. Often the individual interprets the problem that has arisen incorrectly, which is why he incorrectly creates cause-and-effect associations. During the consultation, it turns out that the cause of the difficult situation is precisely resentment. Therefore, for serious problems in this regard (in interaction with other people), it is advisable to seek specialized help.

In psychology, resentment is a feeling that has several types:

1. Imaginary. It is based on a conscious desire to manipulate a person, to capture his attention. There is an exact calculation here: “I will show that I need to be treated differently, and he will make adjustments to behavior, for example, pleasantly surprise.” This tactic is for children who use it to get what they want from their parents.
2. Random. Resentment occurs when there is inconsistency in opinions or activities between participants. Instead of constructive discussion, there is a negative reaction. The conversation instantly changes direction: attempts are made to atone for guilt, initiate forgiveness, a conflict arises, or communication ends.
3. With the wrong direction. The following example can be given in this regard. My parents rewarded my sister with sweets for her excellent grades. My brother is a poor student, so he didn’t receive the present. Instead of perceiving the situation as a lesson, improving his performance, he is offended by his sister and treats her accordingly. Despite the lack of guilt, she regrets the current situation.
4. Hidden. This resentment is not displayed externally; it has a number of causal factors. For example, an individual is not ready to admit to himself that he is experiencing this feeling, during his upbringing he was instilled with the attitude “resentment is bad”, he wants to prevent conflict at a specific moment, etc. Over time, emotions will manifest themselves outwardly. But while they are hidden, a person constantly remembers the conflict, straining the nervous system.

Touchiness is a psychological state that is typical for the majority of representatives of society. But while some people experience it for serious reasons, for others, touchiness becomes a way of life. They look for reasons everywhere, obediently expecting an apology that has a positive impact on their self-esteem.

Touchiness

Just as warm clothes protect against cold, self-control protects against resentment and resentment. Increase patience and calmness of spirit, and resentment, no matter how bitter, will not touch you.

Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with grievances in our lives from time to time.
Situations when we are offended by someone, or when someone is offended by us, are almost inevitable. This is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are many reasons for this. The main reason is our egoism, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or even about them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and to take into account our interests and desires when making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we become offended by them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait in a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, in everyone, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people are offended by each other, how to behave with offended people, and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not prevent us from achieving our goals and enjoying life. You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us are offended by someone from time to time, and I, too, sometimes get offended, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the best model of behavior - not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is better to replace it with another model, a more advanced and, let’s say, mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

Why do we get offended

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - do we take offense within ourselves in order to feel sorry for ourselves and justify our failures, or do we demonstrate to other people our resentment, our dissatisfaction, our offended by their actions in order to achieve from them a certain reaction that we need. Moreover, one thing is often combined with the other. After all, we all want something from someone, but we don’t always get what we want. What is not a reason to be offended and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all responsibility for your failures to other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from internal discomfort. So there will always be a reason to be offended, but being offended is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what does not suit him in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not live up to our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are dissatisfied with them, we are dissatisfied with their behavior and even with ourselves for trusting these people. We feel offended, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment within ourselves, that is, we can be offended unnoticed, or we can be offended so that everyone can see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for a reason to feel sorry for ourselves and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people through resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to be offended by adults, mainly by their parents, allows the child to achieve certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children attract the attention of adults, clearly demonstrating to them their weakness and pressing on their feelings of guilt. This is real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our touchiness to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. This is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply don’t know how else to react to the disappointment that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful, when we want to influence someone. Why are you offended [if you are offended], dear readers? Think about it. Your resentment may not be doing you any good, regardless of whether you are resentful because it is to pity and justify yourself, or to influence other people, or both. Let's look at what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing . Despite the fact that unfavorable hormonal levels can also affect a person’s touchiness, upbringing still plays a more significant role in this matter. Well, correctly, and even let’s say, a reasonably educated person will not be offended, or in any case, he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are plenty of other ways to survive any failures and disappointments, and to influence other people? A person who is offended demonstrates weakness, people do not respect offended people because they despise weakness because it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and desired actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show to other people when we are offended by them and show them our resentment? What they did was wrong—wrong for us, but at the same time, quite possibly, right for themselves? We also show them that we are unhappy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want an apology, for something to be done for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people with whom we are demonstratively offended, and at the same time, we see no other way to get what we need from them. What it is? This is weakness. We demonstrate to people our inability to influence them in other ways, we admit our own helplessness. Will this help us solve our problems and tasks, help us strengthen our position in society, in the team, in relationships with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by influencing their feelings of pity, guilt, and their desire to be good and correct for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, touchiness has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can be offended by selfish people as much as we want - they still won’t change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled, it is difficult for him to give up this behavior, even if his grievances do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is unable to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him grievances are the only salvation. But all these problems can be solved.

Shifting responsibility . The desire to shift responsibility to others also often prompts many people to be offended by everyone who did not help them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, especially just like that, is unclear. But for some touchy people this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not meeting the expectations of the offended person, and not he is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be guilty of not paying the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn’t really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be beneficial for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that being offended by other people means seeing them as the problem, not yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for someone? How many people want to change, at least for their own sake? So what's the point of being offended by them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for internal peace, for internal comfort, there is no need for anything else.

Manipulation . The desire to manipulate people, including through touchiness, is an innate human desire. You can manipulate people with the help of resentment both consciously and unconsciously. This is done unknowingly mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to achieve the desired attitude from adults. And if adults react to a child’s grievances in the way he needs, he will continue to be offended by them in the future. We've all been through this, most of us. But some people, it must be said, have consciously taken touchiness into their arsenal and, with its help, manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see touchy people as poorly educated people and the most common manipulators are not mistaken in most cases. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the grievances of other people in the way they, the manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find a common language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time give him something, but a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account the interests and the desires of other people. This is forgivable for children; they get along with adults as best they can. But for an adult to be offended by people in order to manipulate them, at least it’s not becoming. And as a maximum, I think this needs to be punished, either through counter-manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is about the question of how to behave with touchy people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them and understand them if they are offended not for the purpose of extracting unilateral benefits, but because of their weakness. But still, an offended person must be rid of this bad habit - the habit of being offended.

I would also like to note that children’s touchiness is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, putting pressure on the pity and guilt of adults; for them this is one of the few opportunities to achieve the attention they need to themselves and certain concessions. Adults are a different matter; for them, touchiness is more of a disadvantage than an advantage. It’s unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to be offended by them and expects that they will make concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, touchiness can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react differently to other people if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons to be offended, in order to make himself a victim, to cry, to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who have offended him can be. There is also normal touchiness, when a person is so disappointed with other people that he simply cannot resist expressing his disappointment with them through offense. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is offended very rarely, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We have all been so offended at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when you are hurt, when you are not cared for, when you have been betrayed, you don’t really think about what your behavior looks like from the outside. Well, non-offensive people are an example for all of us to follow. Those who never take offense get the decisions, actions, and behavior they need from people in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, interest, and persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people’s interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It's a pity that there aren't many such people in our lives.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can allow yourself to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of someone close and dear to you, and especially a loved one, is a very strong blow, after which it is difficult to control your emotions. But you shouldn’t focus your attention on the offense. It must be experienced and conclusions drawn from the incident that caused it. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we perceive them adequately and do not trust them too much.

But it would be simply wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I already said, they are few. Usually these are self-confident people with maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how to behave in our society in order to obtain from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, and the right attitude towards themselves. No one is going to meet us halfway just because we want it, and no matter how much you are offended by people, most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you are rightfully offended by them, try not to show them your offense unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you want. There is no need to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, this does not make them kinder and more sympathetic.

How to stop being offended

To stop being offended, you must first find out what result you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are offended by people demonstratively, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere in the depths of your soul, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment towards them, and do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you simply expect that they will apologize to you, if there is anything, or perhaps you expect that people will try to atone for their guilt to you for offending you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that this model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculations in relation to other people, think about other ways to influence them. Well, what kind of ways these could be - it could be the pressure that you can put on others when you have a clearly winning position on a particular issue. These can be the methods I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person with something so that he does something that you need, being motivated by his desires, and not by a feeling of guilt in front of you. In other words, strive for what you need, not through touchiness, but through other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And do not allow those who are offended by you to make you feel guilty towards them and feel pity for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if there is none. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you don’t need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Touchiness, as I said, is not the best way to influence other people. And if someone is trying to realize their desire at your expense, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Teach other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, teach them to respect you, and at the same time themselves. Do not feel sorry for those who use pity as a tool of influence; such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, prudent person who knows how to control himself.

Also pay your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved much greater success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations from them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just need to repeat after others, after those whom it makes sense to repeat after. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start taking examples from other people, from those who are not offended by anyone, but are looking for different ways to interact with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations when we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in such situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if there is none, then one can be invented, someone is angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people in order to get the necessary decisions and actions from them, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I already said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, you need to more actively master the most effective behavior, abandoning ineffective, childish, unattractive behavior, which often does more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave touchiness in childhood - in adult life you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. As children, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. This is the problem with resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life no one owes us anything. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s unlikely that anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to be offended by other people, especially demonstratively, so as not to show both them and yourself your weakness and helplessness. Adopt a pattern of behavior that inspires respect and allows you to achieve greater success in life.

Psychosomatics of resentment

Resentment can cause disruption in all body systems. The most vulnerable organ may be affected.

Aggression, as part of any negative response to a situation, rarely finds a way out as a whole. Part of this feeling remains inside until the memories of what happened are eliminated and attention is switched to other topics. When localized internally, aggression has a devastating effect on the following systems:

1. Nervous. Manifestations include headache, pressure in the back of the head, and spinal disorders.
2. Endocrine. Hormonal imbalance occurs, which leads to the development of other diseases.

The most often touchy people (according to psychology) suffering from heart disease suffer most from touch. Any negative experience affects the functioning of the heart muscle. Unexpressed resentment aggravates the condition of chronic diseases and leads to the development of new disorders. For example, disagreements between spouses may be associated with gynecological diseases, even impaired fertility in the absence of an explicable cause. Depression often develops. In especially severe cases, the negativity accumulated in the mind turns into cancer and suicide attempts.

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

In fact, such a response is one of a number of feelings inherent in a person. However, his involvement with the outside world is devastating. Therefore, it is advisable to get rid of the tendency to take offense and minimize its manifestations.

Negative symptoms:

• deterioration of relationships with loved ones;
• intolerable human behavior;
• formation of a negative image among others;
• deterioration in physical fitness.

Interestingly, there is nothing negative in this “bad habit” for the most touchy individual. Why does a person tend to be offended? The answer is: it is a simple and effective manipulative technique. If you were offended, you achieved your desired goal.

There are also positive aspects to this response to the situation. They are as follows:

1. The ability to identify your own weaknesses. Words and actions cause pain only when a traumatic topic is touched upon.
2. A protective response to painful manifestations caused by separation. This is a period during which you can move from the very fact of separation to a feeling of injustice.
3. Clearing accumulated negative emotions. In the process of getting rid of a negative attitude, a person eliminates the “blockades” of anger and despair that accumulate over a long time.

Goals of getting rid of resentment

In psychology, the tendency to be touchy (in the absence of conscious bad habits) is a subjective interpretation of other people's life beliefs. Because of different thinking, different points of view, the victim suffers. Mostly the responsibility for negative feelings lies with her.

Removing resentment brings the following benefits:

• peace of mind;
• physical, psycho-emotional well-being;
• inspiration and success associated with it.

Wasting time on annoyance, disappointment, anger because of a person’s actions that contradict your principles is inappropriate. Having noticed the first manifestations of a negative response, begin to control the situation and eliminate destructive emotions.

In this process, it is important to analyze the current situation. This will help prevent it from happening again. For example: a loved one did not give a gift for a significant date. Find out why this happened. If the reason is his forgetfulness, next time remind him in advance, in a gentle manner.

Women's touchiness

Speaking about touchiness and giving examples, most often it is the woman who is the main one taking offense. And indeed, due to its emotionality, the female psyche is capable of experiencing more emotions and their intensity than the male psyche. For women there is no minor thing; everything that concerns their life or imagination, their fantasies or expectations is important to them. Women most often give their grievances to their husbands, then to their children, and further in order of closeness. Those. The more important you are in her life, the more resentment will be shown in your direction. It would seem that the opposite is needed - to take care of loved ones, and to release a dissatisfied mood on passers-by, but this is not about mood, but about importance and unjustified hopes. If passers-by do not help her with heavy bags, then the woman is unlikely to notice at all, but if her husband does not react to this, then offense is inevitable. This is because nothing is expected from a passer-by, but one’s own relative is perceived as someone who will care and protect, and in these heavy bags the image of the caring person collapses.

Girls love to dream and plan, imagine both event options and the reactions of other people, and they really get used to such fantasies, experiencing true experiences, so a failed trip to Asia can cause resentment not because of commercialism, but because she has already flown there , and going back is like destroying happiness. Naturally, in addition to such self-emerging conditions, there is also a regulated part of resentment, when a woman deliberately demonstrates her dissatisfaction (whether it be emotional coldness, silence or a gloomy expression on her face). Such situations serve to adjust relationships in order to make it clear to others that what is happening is unacceptable and repetition is undesirable. Many people play such a game, seeing what wonderful results it brings: men who do not tolerate emotional pressure and tension created by resentment are ready for any feats, showered with gifts, the first to make peace when they are right and do many other things. But the program fails, and by being deliberately offended, in order to gain benefit, the woman creates psychological conditions for the man that are incompatible with the healthy survival of the psyche, and he does everything not out of love, but with the goal of stopping mental violence and getting rid of tyranny in relationships.

By showing offence, where your boundaries are and how you should not be treated, you build and regulate relationships towards comfortable and close ones. By manipulating resentment and thus obtaining praise and gifts for yourself, sharing it with a constant companion, you destroy the relationships and psyche of not only the other, but also your own.

Of course, women are more subject to emotions, but this does not turn off the mechanisms of self-regulation, and you should not place responsibility for your condition on others - this is a childish, infantile position. Adult behavior will be voicing your feelings and complaints, with the development of a further new way of interaction.

But it is worth noting that a woman’s choice of touchiness is determined by nature, because a purer reaction would be anger and aggression. Which the woman could not afford due to physical weakness. It is resentment that minimizes confrontation, but at the same time indicates dissatisfaction, helps to escape from open conflict, which helps preserve relationships and life. In the male version, resentment looks like anger, and this is logical, because if something happens that does not suit a man, then it concerns an external threat and here it is necessary to act, and from a position of strength, and besides, the man can afford it. The female territory is inside, where the family is, where there is no place for the manifestation of force, but the need for regulation remains, thus it turns out that resentment is aggression, but stopped and transformed by love.

Ways to forgive a grudge

A touchy person in psychology is a person who has certain acquired character qualities. They are adopted from others, and after being perceived as a bad habit, they are eliminated (often this is a long process).

A couple of recommendations for victims:

• eliminate negative experiences from your heart;
• learn forgiveness.

It is difficult for a person who perceives insults and manipulation as a natural part of life to follow these tips. People who visit psychologists often do not realize the usual meaning of simple phrases.

Clear your heart of grievances

Emotional isolation will help eliminate negative feelings. It is based on the following example. The victim sees the offender as the instigator of the conflict. If daily contact is necessary (eg in a work environment) without the possibility of physical isolation, it is important to neutralize the emotions that arise in relation to it. Stationery placed on the desktop does not evoke emotions. Similar indifference must be created towards the offender. It will be difficult at first. But over time, the dispute, caused by a subjective assessment, will be forgotten, and the conflict will be resolved by itself.

How to achieve neutrality? To resolve a conflict situation, it is important to work through it independently or with a specialist, concluding that the negative response is mediated by unfulfilled expectations regarding the offender who has not reached a given level. Then it is important to let go of the opponent along with his worldview and relationship to the environment.

A psychologist in this situation will help develop resistance to stress. Emotional stability is the guarantee of a balanced successful person. You can contact a psychologist online, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

Learn to forgive

Forgiveness is a state characterized by awareness, sincerity, and emanating from the heart. It supports gaining control over a conflict situation, suppressing insults, and the desire to be offended.

To master the principles of forgiveness, it is important to constantly work on your own attitude towards life and change your worldview. This ability can be developed in any conditions, even in the absence of resentment at the moment.

Five Principles of Forgiveness:

1. Live in balance with your own emotions.
2. Learn to let go of the past, live in the present.
3. Choose your state of mind (forgiveness, not resentment) consciously.
4. Learn from any situation and apply the acquired skills in the future.
5. Forgive yourself.

There are training exercises that correspond to each point above. Effective, in particular, written recording of personal opinions and views, accompanied by their analysis.

Signs

Signs of resentment:

• avoiding meetings, communication and any contact with the one who offended;
• silence and isolation;
• phrases with double meanings and other manifestations of passive aggression;
• direct aggression.

Characteristics of a touchy person (psychology of the touchy type personality):

• suspiciousness,
• indecision,
• dependence on other people's opinions (the habit of comparing oneself with everyone);
• fixation on the past and reluctance to part with things;
• pessimistic vision of the world;
• self-pity;
• suppressed aggression.

A touchy person is afraid of conflicts. Instead of directly talking about his feelings, needs, emotions and finding out his opponent’s position, he prefers to run away, remain silent, be capricious and offended.