Why men are jealous of their mistresses and what to do about it

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Love is multifaceted, sometimes it breaks out between those who have already tied the knot with other people. Their relationship develops differently. Often a married man is jealous of his mistress of her husband or other men. This state of affairs makes life worse for many people. By giving in to emotions, they can make the situation even worse. If you can’t figure out the problem on your own, then a fresh look from the outside is needed; a good solution would be to contact a psychologist on at least one side of the conflict.

The nature of jealousy

Many men hastily marry for many reasons, without having any special feelings for their wife; subsequently they do not appear or completely fade away, and family life continues out of habit. Suddenly a man meets a woman who becomes his mistress, their relationship may end or be renewed, but the married man is in no hurry to give it official status for various reasons:

• afraid of his wife's reaction;
• it’s more convenient for him;
• not sure about his mistress.

Often his affection for the lady who brightens up his leisure time grows stronger. He is jealous of everyone or her husband, with whom she does not want to part. The situation may seem dead end, but there is always a way out; the search for it should begin with an analysis of the causes.

How to stop being led by your own jealousy: advice from a psychologist

So, how not to be jealous of your husband and bring harmony into your relationship - brief recommendations from psychologists:

• love yourself so that others can love you (from the thoughts in your head to your heels);
• do not allow yourself to dissolve in your spouse, this is destructive;
• if jealousy eats from the inside, take your husband’s place, sometimes the picture of his behavior becomes clearer;
• use only “I statements” in frank conversations (I get upset, not You upset me);
• be guided only by facts, otherwise our imagination has no limits;
• to fight jealousy, learn to think realistically: if your husband wants to leave, he will leave, he wants to change, he will do it and nothing will stop him;
• eliminate lies, omissions, and distortion of information from your life, so you will not learn to trust each other;
• drive away friends who like to add fuel to the fire;
• learn a couple of meditation techniques (they are great for helping manage your thoughts and feelings);
• learn to respect your husband and forgive other people's shortcomings.

“What if the reasons for jealousy are not groundless,” you ask? If the husband does not respect, ignores the requests and internal state of his wife, is cold and indifferent to everything that connects him with his chosen one, there is no point in grasping for such a relationship. Yes, you can talk, look for reasons in yourself, change, turn a blind eye to what is happening, however, as practice shows, this is useless. If a guy has not been taught to respect his choice from a young age, step aside, otherwise, in addition to jealousy, you will be consumed by anger, resentment, disappointment, indignation, injustice and other destructive feelings. A person is not capable of giving love to other people, just accept this fact and go in search of your happiness!

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Causes

There are many reasons that help to understand a man who is jealous of his mistress. He himself may not want to understand them due to laziness or lack of time, and his view may also be too subjective. Then his mistress will have to begin this difficult task, having first collected more information about him. She can seek psychological help, during which she will free herself from negative thoughts and soberly assess the situation.

There are several common causes of jealousy - possessiveness, insecurity, lack of trust, strong feelings, each of the reasons deserves separate consideration.

Possessiveness

Most men are hunters who, having captured their prey, do not want to part with it. In the case of a romantic relationship outside of marriage, a person received twice as much: a legal wife, with whom it is beneficial for him to be for some reason, and a mistress, who is often younger and more beautiful than his wife; he needs her for pleasure. He is afraid of losing them, but he is in no hurry to change anything to eliminate such fear. He is happy with everything until he realizes that someone else might like the woman next to him. She may be legally married, but her lover still believes that she belongs to him undividedly.

Uncertainty

With jealousy, a married person often shows uncertainty about certain things:

• his appearance, he does not believe that his mistress chose him because of his attractiveness;
• love abilities;
• position in society, he is convinced that he is appreciated by all the women with whom he communicates;
• his ability to keep the lady near him, he is afraid that she will prefer him to a more promising one;
• his future, which he imagines vaguely, and masks fear with jealousy;
• partner, he does not understand why she spends time with him - interest, love, benefit.

Lack of trust

A strong passion for a mistress is not yet a guarantee of her reciprocal feelings. A man who decides to cheat constantly doubts them. He is afraid that she will leave him or is afraid that she is spending time with someone other than him. Such doubts about her fidelity often arise due to the fact that he himself cheated on his wife more than once. If there is no trust between lovers, then it will be very difficult for them to build a normal relationship.

Strong feelings

A married man may suddenly realize that he wants to spend the rest of his life with the lady with whom he is used to just having fun. Feelings appeared for her that he had never felt for anyone. Such a discovery will delight and frighten him; he needs to decide what to do next. There are 2 main options:

• leave everything as it is when the fortitude is not enough for change;
• try to build a serious relationship with your mistress.

Take the path of correction

Jealousy is definitely a bad thing: here you have criminal statistics, crippled destinies, and little things like damaged nerves and ruined health.
A jealous person in one fell swoop deals a crushing blow to both himself and his partner, for whom life is not pleasant under a hail of claims. Look at the forms in which it manifests itself - deliberate silence, protracted conflicts, caustic ridicule, restriction of intimate life, direct or veiled insults, aggression, assault. “Beauty”, and that’s all.

The jealous person ascribes to himself the role of the victim, and to his supposed tormentor the role of the executioner. He is all so positive and faithful, the other side is a real demon, as those around him are made aware of. And the world is divided into two halves: those who sympathize with the “deceived”, and those who do not refuse consolation... And life turns into an endless series, the game lasts until it gets boring - maybe all your life, if you don’t mind the time.

Isn't it time to break the vicious circle by feeling sorry for yourself? These are the Egyptian executions: fear of losing a person and, in the end, losing. Getting angry, not sleeping at night, gnawing on Corvalol tablets with tea, turning ugly from the face and losing half of your hair - from anger. You are a beautiful, smart woman, why do that?

There is no need to say or think that nothing can be done about innate jealousy. You can’t help it: you realize your trouble, that’s already good. And then we will be treated, that is, healed.

"Good Doctor"

Let's start with drastic methods - contacting a specialist, that is, a psychotherapist, or even a psychiatrist.
This is the only way out when jealousy is a side symptom of severe mental disorders or when the depression associated with it has lasted for more than a year. Then, without delay, go to the doctor, talk about your feelings without concealment and conscientiously take the prescribed pills. They will reduce jealousy, but at the same time the severity of all emotions and impressions will decrease. The sun will not make you happy, the salary will not bother you, and you will not be drawn to the sea on vacation. But it is the doctor who will decide how much to block your susceptibility.

An easier option is a psychotherapist or family psychologist. “Come on to the couch, tell me, until the next meeting...” It should help.

Next comes the so-called independent work, the very “heal yourself” method.

A normal man should have a toy - any smart woman knows this. If there is no toy, it means the man is abnormal, such people should be avoided. And if the toy is taken away, then a gaping emptiness will appear in the man’s soul, which, according to Aristotle, nature does not tolerate. The ancient pundit was right: sooner or later, the vacant place will inevitably be filled by vodka. Or other women. Sometimes it’s both at once. There is no need to be jealous of a man for his favorite toy, let him amuse himself. Alexander Gromov, Sergei Lukyanenko. Reverse

Expanding horizons...

It just so happens that jealousy is usually the lot of limited people who are uninteresting to themselves, are not able to entertain themselves, and are not burning with any kind of passion.
In general, their world is sparse, or even narrowed down to just one person. To some it even seems romantic: “You are my Universe, my only joy.” In reality, there is nothing sublime in voluntary “myopia”; it is similar to setting off on a long voyage without caring about a life preserver. The more you know, are able, and communicate with a variety of people, the less vulnerable you are.

Become the Universe yourself, first for yourself, then for others - educate yourself, read, discuss: relationships in which it is interesting are the most reliable. Otherwise, your self-realization will end in jealousy.

freedom of choice

You are a free person.
You have the right to choose. Anything can happen to you. A wonderful person may fall in love with you. And you will reciprocate. And don’t shake your head, saying: “Under no circumstances, I’m a family man, I won’t betray you,” once again to reinforce this: this can happen to anyone. Realizing that you are unhappy with your previous partner, although this is not his fault, you will want to leave for new love. Well, or at least meet more often, even if you are ashamed.

What will prevail then - the dictates of the soul, a strong feeling or a sense of duty? Remember, you have a choice. At the same time, there is almost no former love left. And now the cherry on the cake: there is also a free person next to you. Anything can happen to him too. And it won't be your fault. But he also has a choice.

All you can do is accept mutual freedom as a given. Trust the Creator, what is happening, your man and not wonder whether he will cheat. He has already given a lot of warmth and happiness, and will give more: focus on the feeling of gratitude.

If the treacherous thought “he will stop loving me” creeps into your head, remember your first date: how you looked at you, held your hand, smiled. Immerse yourself in love and quiet joy; in moments of jealousy it is difficult, but necessary.

Snap on hands!

Don't indulge in anything that triggers jealousy.
God forbid you check your partner’s correspondence or search his clothes for evidence. By doing this, you yourself are digging the grave of trust and good relationships. Learn to curb your imagination when a man is delayed, in a bad or distracted mood. Finally, proclaim a personal law: the first thought is wrong. Until you calm your mind, do not voice sarcastic hints, veiled reproaches and direct accusations.

Calm, just calm. To make it easier to return to peace of mind, try spiritual practices.

Manifestations

Jealousy is a diverse concept; it manifests itself in different forms. Sometimes it is difficult to guess that a married man is jealous of his mistress: he may not say anything to his partner, but he himself is angry with her.

To analyze the situation from all sides, jealous people can be classified into 4 types of temperaments.

1. The choleric person is the most jealous of all. His outbursts of rage and angry cries towards his mistress leave no doubt that he is in great pain. Although there may not be facts proving that she is unfaithful to him, he is unable to restrain himself. It is better for him to know the bitter truth than to be content with rumors and guesses.
2. The sanguine person will try to find out specific facts from his mistress, but will do it carefully, so that later he will have something to present to her. He will analyze everything, maybe arrange a search of her things, surveillance in order to get to the bottom of it.
3. A melancholic person is a secretive type whose sad appearance can be replaced by a flash of anger. He may even get sick so that his mistress will take pity on him and take care of him, then this will become a kind of test of her feelings.
4. A phlegmatic person endures for a long time, and suddenly breaks through. But he does not arrange scenes of jealousy, but leaves silently, having first collected information about his partner’s infidelity.

Out loud and frankly

Imagine two episodes in which you or someone else is the main character, it doesn't really matter.
In the first, she stages an ugly scene of jealousy: she shouts bad words at her partner and his speculative prostitutes, says greasy jokes, makes nasty comparisons, hints, teases, laughs badly, her face is distorted by ugly grimaces. But the poor thing does not see herself from the outside; she is unshakable in her anger. But it is perfectly visible to you. The second episode plays out silently, on tiptoe. Deep evening, silence, empty house, only two people - he and she. A woman with slight sadness, sincerely and honestly, says how much she loves, how she values ​​​​the happiness that he gave her. How afraid he is to lose. In her words there is a sea of ​​tenderness, a drop of despair, rivers of hope and a boundless ocean of trust in a man.

Which episode do you find more convincing? Which heroine is more touching? It seems that her sympathies are obvious - she is not afraid to speak simply and sincerely about the most important things. And where there is trust, jealousy does not take root.

Trust, speak sincerely and kindly about your feelings: confessions are more reliable than claims!

Solutions

The problem of jealousy must be solved, because it depletes the nervous system, harms relationships, and does not lead to anything good. The easiest way is a frank conversation between a man and his mistress. But it’s difficult to decide on it: a man does this extremely rarely, everything suits him.

For a lover

A woman often suffers from this, but is afraid of her lover's reaction. To break the vicious circle, she needs to discuss the situation with a psychologist, and then overcome herself and talk to the man. It will be easier to do this if he is jealous out of nowhere, and she does not give a reason, does not pay attention to other men and is faithful only to him. But if she is married, then his jealousy is completely justified; the lady must choose a lover or husband.

A lonely lover can act more decisively. It’s easier for her if she doesn’t depend on him financially, then they will communicate on equal terms. A girl can start a conversation from afar, thank the man for all the good things, and then ask him a question about the reasons for his behavior. If the jealousy is obvious, then he will not deny it; if not, then the mistress needs to be given specific facts. She needs to declare her desire to find family happiness with this man, especially if he promised her to divorce his wife.

If the conversation is difficult, the man does not want to listen to any explanations, then you can remind him that you should not suspect everyone of cheating, and he himself is also cheating on his wife. If the situation has gone far, the mistress wants to restore justice, she doesn’t care how their relationship will develop further, then you can voice a threat to tell your wife everything.

When a man does not make contact, his mistress can show him that she can leave for another person. Flirting and coquetry are possible. A married lover should be afraid of what kind of woman he will lose if he is senselessly jealous.

For a man

If there is no reliable evidence of his mistress spending time with another man, then he must understand that often jealousy is a figment of the imagination due to his psychological state. A married man with a mistress always faces a dilemma: who to choose and what to follow when resolving this issue. If he comes to an agreement within himself and voices the decision to his mistress, then the problem will be resolved.

In a situation of communicating with a married mistress, a man who has already decided everything for himself needs to give her an ultimatum: she leaves her husband or they break up, he can cite his deep and sincere feelings as an argument.

When the jealousy of a married man is periodic and is not caused by certain reasons, then you can get rid of it:

• increasing the time spent with his mistress will benefit his mood and dispel doubts that she has another man;
• physical activity that will not allow you to indulge in sad thoughts;
• interesting leisure;
• spending time outdoors, which is good for physical and mental health.

If all these methods do not work, and attacks of jealousy occur, then you need to consult a psychologist, he will prescribe therapy, including exercises and medications, because jealousy can be one of the harbingers of an anxious state.

How can you not be jealous?

You, of course, understand that besides you, your loved one also has hobbies, work, where, against your wishes, he communicates with other women.
And this cannot be avoided, even if you forbid him from doing so, which you must not do under any circumstances. Perhaps a few minutes in a calm environment, thinking about the reasons that make you angry and jealous, will allow you to understand that in reality these are little things that are often not worth attention and your jealousy. How to live in love and harmony if you hear unfounded reproaches every day?

Control your jealousy
Let jealousy become your ally.
A new hairstyle, manicure, and makeup won’t require much effort on your part, but it will increase your self-confidence, because people around you will start staring at you more and more often, and your spouse will probably notice, too. Keep yourself busy. Fitness or dancing will diversify your life, distract you from unnecessary thoughts, and besides - pure health and mood!

Meet your friends at bachelorette parties, especially since you will always find something to chat about: new recipes, raising children, outfits and useful tips. And there will be no time left to fill your head with nonsense. And your man will certainly notice and appreciate your shape, and will surround you with even more attention.