Friendship between a man and a woman, what psychology says about this and whether it exists - are friendly relations possible and why is a guy friends with his ex-girlfriend?

Whether there are sincere friendly relationships between a guy and a girl is a question that has worried both sides for many decades. During this time, people's opinions were divided into two halves: some claim that everything is possible, others insist that this is just a cover for some personal sympathies, love. In this article I will talk about friendship between a man and a woman and explain what the psychology of relationships says about this.

What is friendship

This is the name given to especially close friendly relationships between two or more people if they are based on trust, affection for each other, and common interests. It takes quite a long time for such a deep connection to arise, but sometimes at a certain moment, loyalty and mutual assistance develop into strong love and affection, and here we are not talking about sexual attraction, but rather about family attraction. The main features of such relationships can be called:

Selflessness - we do not demand mutual benefit.
Endless affection.
Stability and durability - the strongest friendships are those that arose during school years.
Lack of any sexual desires.

For the emergence of friendships, gender, age and other social differences are not important. In reality, things are somewhat more complicated. Gender characteristics are extremely important and it is much easier to establish contact, learn to trust and become attached to a person if he is of the same gender as you.

Husband and wife as friends

Is friendship in marriage a necessity or a nice bonus?

A marriage without friendship, in my opinion, is incomplete. Without friendship, without openness, without the opportunity to share my experiences with my husband/wife, it’s hard for me to imagine a happy family!

I remember I had one lady at my reception - she didn’t come about her family problems, but in the conversation it turned out that she and her husband had a purely functional relationship: everyone does their job, and does it well - they have no complaints against each other . But - no desire for spiritual and spiritual unity. This lady did not even tell her husband about her experiences, fears, depression, with which she came to the psychologist. People can live like this for many years. And then one of them will wake up from this spiritual sleep and he will want understanding, care, affection, even just a warm look. But he doesn’t! And a feeling of loneliness and restlessness grows in a person...

And the search for affection and understanding begins somewhere outside the home, right?

Exactly. This can provoke a person to seek sympathy from other people. And the feeling: “Oh, how my boyfriend/girlfriend understands me!” - can really become a great temptation in such a situation for both men and women.

What's the big deal? Friends are just needed in order to understand. A woman can advise a man something in a friendly way...

Yes it is. And, by the way, communication with other people, including friends of the opposite sex, can give a person more to understand his spouse. Sincere friendship can enrich family life; a female friend can suggest something to a man that will make him see new facets in his wife - both as a woman and as a friend.

But all this is adjusted for the need to remember about distance... Because often in such situations, on the basis of friendship, empathy, sympathy, the attraction that we talked about grows. A person may simply be enchanted: “Finally, the one I’ve been waiting for all these years has been found!” He understands everything, supports you, and won’t say a word against you!” It is clear that this can lead to the collapse of the family. And then - to disappointment in your new “soul mate”. After all, “friendly-love” relationships are not marital discord: the latter require a lot of work. For some reason, people often believe that family happiness should develop by itself. It happens that each spouse expects understanding from his husband or his wife, but does not make any effort. But here we need mutual work, and serious work.

So, in order to really get rid of the experience of loneliness and misunderstanding, you need to do everything to build these relationships in the family.

But what if, after twenty years of marriage, a person has already become so accustomed to his spouse that he knows him like a flaky man and is simply not interested in being with him?

When it seems to us that we know our spouse through and through and only a habit remains in the relationship, this does not mean that we have known our loved one to the bottom. This speaks, rather, of our blindness. About the fact that we look at our spouse through the narrow gap of our ideas and have lost the living feeling that this person is a whole special world, a whole universe, that he is still capable of surprising with something.

In his soul, after all, everyone feels a certain potential, liveliness; few people can say about themselves: “I can be known to the last line, to the comma.” And the same experience exists in every other person! It's important to want to see it!

The desire to return friendship in a marital relationship must be mutual?

No, not necessarily. Of course, just one person can take action, and this is probably what usually happens. These are not diplomatic relations; in them there is no need to seek parity and act on the principle “as you treat me, so I treat you.” The first thing you can do is honestly tell your husband or wife: “I miss you as a friend.” I think that if there were real friendships, they are so important that sooner or later a person will want to restore them.

A husband and wife are not just the master and mistress of the house, not just the father and mother of their children, they are also people who once fell in love with each other. They are still friends. And it is important to maintain such a variety of relationships. Plan family affairs so that you have the opportunity to simply look into each other’s eyes, laugh at a joke, remember interesting events in your common life, and go somewhere together. This is an important component of the life of any family. And friendship.

Is friendship possible between a man and a woman?

Even based on what is written above, people's positions may be divided. On the one hand, it is really easier for us to get acquainted and then find common interests with a representative of the same sex. On the other hand, trust between guys and girls, as well as affection and common interests, certainly exist, otherwise we could not build families. So, who is right?

Based on this, we can conclude that friendly relationships between boys and girls always walk on the edge of a knife. Yes, there really may not be an intimate relationship between them, but the beautiful half of humanity is structured in such a way that if it begins to trust a man, it means that it does so completely. She becomes emotionally attached to him no less than to her own husband.

Representatives of the stronger half, in turn, are structured in such a way that some polygamy is not alien to them. This means they can feel an equally strong connection with several girls.

Friendship between a man and a woman: what is it in psychology

As for official science, its position is not so categorical and rather agrees with the psychological fact that if there is no sexual connotation in a friendly relationship, then a guy and a girl can be friends without experiencing any special attraction. But it is recommended to use this opportunity only as a last resort, so as not to harm your real love relationships. After all, this will become an outright provocation of jealousy, aggressiveness and rupture.

There is also the possibility that something that started out as an ordinary friendship will eventually develop into classic love. This is facilitated by the affection, care, and devotion that accompany friendly relationships. The values of the partners, their upbringing, joint history and, of course, the presence of other sexual relationships will also play a big role here.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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Why is a man friends with a woman?

Why do we find such difficult relationships when it is much easier to communicate with members of the same sex without risking ruining the love relationship? The reasons may be different, but most often this communication makes it possible to find such personal qualities and relationships that are not characteristic of representatives of their gender. Women know how to especially care for their friends and empathize with them, while guys prefer not to show tender feelings in public. And if a representative of the stronger sex wants to receive support, he should look for it in female company.

In turn, men know how to show strength, stand up for each other and their loved ones. If representatives of the fairer sex want to receive “brotherly” support, they turn to their guy friends. But love relationships always play an important role. If they exist, then in most cases they are the ones who provide the necessary feelings and emotions. Children's friendship should be highlighted in a separate line. It is more like a typical relationship between members of the same gender or a bond between a brother and sister.

Advantages and disadvantages

So, if you are thinking about friendship with a member of the opposite sex, take your time. Think about the advantages and disadvantages of such a relationship. The first include:

Honesty. Men rarely flatter. They are usually straightforward and honest.
Lack of envy. Girlfriends envy the success of a girl or woman much more often than male friends. They will not compete to purchase branded clothing or fight for the attention of some handsome guy.
True opinion. You can ask a friend of the opposite sex for advice regarding your relationship with your partner.

What can you say about the disadvantages? Firstly, there is always a risk of rapprochement. There is a high probability that one of your friends will sooner or later develop sexual attraction or romantic feelings. After this, it will no longer be possible to communicate normally. There are two options for the development of events. You can either continue to hide your feelings, or open up but lose your friend.

Secondly, friendships can break down for various reasons, and losing a close friend is always very difficult.

Women's opinion

Natural girlish softness does not allow us to express such an unambiguous and negative explanation. So, for the most part, girls are sure that such friendly relationships are real. The fact is that representatives of the fairer sex pay less attention to their sexual desires and know how to suppress them if they should do something more important. We pay attention to a guy if he is pleasant on an emotional level, and not seductive as a potential lover.

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If a friend follows the established rules and never crosses the line, and also if the husband is not against such communication, a woman will happily carry her friendship with a guy through many years and with age she will only become stronger.

How to keep your distance?

Situation. You are an attractive young married woman. Your husband loves you, you simply adore him. You have a classmate friend (fellow student, long-time neighbor). Your husband trusts you, he is aware of your friendships. At some point, you begin to guess that your friend is experiencing something different for you, different from the friendship that was before.

What are you doing? You panic, feel like a femme fatale, talk about your guesses to your husband, whatever you want, just don’t have an open and direct conversation with a friend. Of course, you want to feel desired not only at home, with your husband, but also to arouse the sympathy of several other males, this is so feminine. Nature takes its toll, women are flattered by such attention, which is why, at the subconscious level, ladies rarely have a frank conversation with a dreaming friend. At least they wait for a while. Women's logic is a complex thing, and when it comes to love...

So what to do:

Calm down.
Take some time to think. It is quite possible that you only thought your friend’s behavior was different than before.
Talk about your guesses with a friend. Under no circumstances should you do this in the evening in a restaurant with a glass of wine and the sound of a violin. Such an atmosphere will confuse you first of all. Let it be a weekday lunch in a cafe. The question can be asked incidentally, in a comic form. And under no circumstances should this be a dinner about a conversation on this topic. Your friend will be more likely to deny it if he knows the purpose of the meeting in advance.
If there are no guesses, you know for sure that your friend is in love with you, then the conversation should have some kind of plan: is this true? what does he feel? How does he see further developments? Does he intend to be friends in the future or will he step aside due to the outgrowth of feelings? If you have a husband or he has a wife, you need to discuss whether it is appropriate to inform him (her) about the current situation?

Remember, the conversation must be casual! You shouldn’t sit your friend in front of your paw and ask him questions from a piece of paper. All questions should be presented gently and unobtrusively, so as not to confuse your friend.

Read more: How not to end a relationship?

Survey of men and women: comparison and analysis of results

According to studies, over time, the opinion about the possibility of friendly relationships between representatives of different genders changes dramatically.

If in their youth and youth the vast majority of guys (almost 70% of all respondents) believe that such friendship is real, then by the age of 35 their confidence drops to 64%, and then even lower. This means that more experienced men have time to make sure that they cannot be friends with representatives of the fair half.

Girls, on the contrary, over the years only become convinced that this is possible. Among young people, almost 70% of all respondents share this opinion, and among more mature women - almost 80%. How is this possible? Most likely, this happens because over time their childhood friends find their other halves, which means they experience less and less sexual attraction to their friend. Having settled down, they become really good friends or stop communicating altogether.

Is there friendship between a man and a woman: in what cases is it possible?

Situations exist when a guy and a girl can really be friends, without any sexual overtones in the relationship. These include:

Student Connection. United by a common goal, and often by the same place of residence, young girls and boys easily gather in groups and even later continue to communicate in the same groups.
Friendship with colleagues. We spend most of our lives with co-workers; we see them more often and longer than our own husbands and wives. Naturally, it is quite possible to make friends during this time.
Bonded by common hobbies. Whether it's playing in an orchestra, dancing at night, or taking photographs, when two people have something to talk about, they are more likely to connect.
Family ties. We are talking about brothers and sisters here. In childhood, they find little in common and therefore do not become friends too often, but over the years the situation changes and the loved one becomes truly close.
Family friendship. This is a separate type of connection, more complex, but pleasant.

In any case, the key role will be played by the personal qualities of the two partners, their values and desires.

Features of attachment

It is important to be able to distinguish between friendships and love relationships. Friendship originates from mutual sympathy, in which communication outweighs. For dialogue to be built and developed, there must be common topics of interest. The necessary general topic of conversation for the relationship to be complete. Sexual needs without communication. The presence of common interests is considered the main factor in building friendly relations.

Common interests include playing sports together, mutual assistance in the educational process, a passion for computer games, favorite authors of books and films.

After acquaintance and prolonged communication, friends begin to feel a sense of ownership. The partner is jealous of the interlocutor and looks with envy at his communication with his comrades. These features are inevitable in the development of love and friendly relationships. Psychologists advise trying to get rid of feelings of jealousy, however, only a few succeed in continuing to communicate with the interlocutor without showing a sense of ownership.

Often a manifestation of sincere friendship is sacrifice, which manifests itself when real feelings meet the indifference of a partner. The interlocutor can use this for selfish purposes. Unrequited feelings are considered a problem of the current generation. In adults, such problems rarely arise. They appear in adolescence.

Different-sex friendships are considered a specific phenomenon. The existence of such relationships, according to psychologists, is impossible due to the natural desires experienced by partners

Gradually, the guy begins to feel sexual attraction, which destroys communication, leading to intimacy.

Maybe it's just a disguised attraction

Yes, this option is certainly possible. But you shouldn’t spoil relationships because of simple speculation, when you can find out exactly what lies behind friendly conversations. Clear signs of sexual desire may include:

Excessive attention and the need to always be together.
Frequent gifts.
The desire to spend time only alone, and not in common companies.
Too frequent tactile contacts.
Jealousy of your friends and partners.

In fact, it is not difficult to understand what feelings your friend has for you. It’s just that some of us don’t want to notice the obvious and lose a loved one.

Prevention

If friendship has turned into love, talking can help. But prevention has always been more effective and less painful. So, so as not to have to tear your friend away from your heart, you can keep him at a certain distance. First you need to know whether he is a friend or a potential sexual partner, lover or even husband. When you have identified a man only as a friend, you can begin to remember the basic rules of behavior that will keep your male friend only as a friend. Of course, this reminder is not a panacea, but it often helps:

Try to dress as little revealingly as possible in front of him.
If your friend doesn't know your husband/boyfriend, introduce them. When meeting together, it will be useful to constantly hold your husband's hand. Communicate more often with his girlfriend or wife.
Chatting with a friend is not a one-on-one date, so take a nice acquaintance or friend with you to a meeting with a friend. This way he will switch off from you and your friendship will continue.
Let your friend know that he is dear to you, but besides him you have a husband, family, work, girlfriends, hobbies, etc.
When meeting and saying goodbye, try to avoid kissing. It's better to make it a rule to hug.
Often friendly meetings take place with alcoholic drinks; this is best avoided. At least in private. Let it be a company with your chosen ones.
Present. Try not to bring gifts at the feet of a friend. Modest gifts from both your side and his side would be appropriate.
Do not discuss topics of sex, at least using your own examples. There is no need to allow your friend to be imaginative when you talk about this topic. It's better to abstract yourself.
Do not discuss girls and women with your friend the way you do with your friends. After all, he is still a man.

Why is love, as we think, just an illusion?

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Why is it dangerous?

The consequences of a friendly relationship will be sad for both parties. Broken hearts, conflict, and most importantly, the cessation of communication with the closest person.

Ask a question

It is simply impossible to build a trusting relationship when one of the partners hides something, and the other allows him to do it. After all, it has already been said that friendship is the absolute affection and devotion of two people.

If you notice problems, talk about them directly. Only in this case can you get by with “little bloodshed,” although no one can guarantee whether it will be possible to maintain the same connection.

Whose friendship is stronger

I don't believe that the strength of friendship depends on gender. The strength of relationships depends on the characteristics of their participants and the ability to be friends. Every person needs a like-minded person, an understanding loved one, an ally. And sometimes interests, hobbies, personal experience, vision of the world bring together seemingly completely different people. It could be two women, two men, or a man and a woman. The ability to listen and hear, support, empathize, keep your word, show nobility, be faithful and devoted, share bitterness and joy does not depend on gender.

The strongest friendship is the one in which both participants invest maximum energy and strength. Stronger are those relationships in which there is unity of mind and souls, interests, hobbies, desires, beliefs. The greater the similarity, the greater the sympathy and the stronger the friendship.

What not to do

First of all, you should not give a person hope of moving from friendship to something more if you are not ready for this even in the long term. State your attitude directly, even if you are afraid that your partner will leave after this. This is his right and it will allow you to maintain respect for each other. Do not demonstrate your sexual attractiveness, do not flirt or make advances.

Leave all this for other men who can assess the situation correctly. Try to be alone as little as possible. Better communicate in a group. And definitely don’t spend the night together or live in the same apartment. And if you find yourself too close, don’t talk about your intimate life. This will only bring pain and disappointment.

How not to ruin a long-term friendship?

Don't provoke . Some women like to test their charms on friends: flirting, advances, coquetry, seductive gestures... A man’s eyes light up and he perceives the provocation as a call to action.

If you really value friendship, find another object to experiment with.

Know the limits . This is especially true for revelations about personal life and intimate preferences. You can try on underwear with your girlfriend or discuss lovers - she understands everything correctly.

Men, on the other hand, cannot escape their physiology: it will be difficult for them to get rid of the memories of how “just a friend” paraded in a sexy set that did not hide anything, because “she needs an outside opinion.”

And it’s simply inconvenient to discuss positions from the Kama Sutra or fantasies with a person who is not your sexual partner.

If you don't want to ruin your friendship, be careful. This is balancing on the edge of an abyss: one wrong word or move - and a fall is inevitable. And nothing can be returned back!

Alarm bells that should alert you:

excessive attention from a friend;
gifts for no reason (courtship);
your friend avoids companies and tries to spend more time alone with you;
an interest in your hobbies and interests has appeared, although previously he only frowned when he heard the word “fitness” or “IT courses”;
he strives to maintain tactile contact;
Unmotivated irritation appears if you talk about other men.

What's happened? Yes, love just replaces friendship. And what to do with it is up to you

What about family friendships?

This is one of the few real options for building friendly relationships between a man and a woman. The fact is that this situation practically eliminates jealousy, because wives and husbands only get together. But achieving this is not very easy.

First, you need to convince your crush that that same school friend or that distant friend is of no interest other than friendly, and in general it’s worth getting to know them before drawing conclusions. If a person’s personal qualities and common hobbies help, it will become possible to be friends with families. But there will not be absolute spiritual closeness between two friends, and you should be prepared for this.

A little about distance and the Geneva Bible

Let's say we figured it out with ourselves. But what about a friend or girlfriend if the changes are on his or her part?

We can actually, without noticing it, provoke a friend of the opposite sex to fall in love. With what eyes he looks at us, we most often do not know. We can only guess. There are signals that together can serve as a hint to us. For example, a friend begins to play some role that is unusual for him, to embellish himself. Or he takes more initiative than usual to meet more often. Or you can increasingly hear compliments from him/her, or some jokes with a hint of a romantic relationship. Perhaps the person begins to look for reasons to touch you more often, and does this when it is appropriate and inappropriate. All this may mean that friendship has been mixed with relationships that are not typical for it.

What is the best thing to do in this case?

The question is really difficult. Because if you “cut to the quick,” that is, immediately break off the relationship, it will hurt everyone. Pretending that nothing is happening? Slowly, slowly, increase the distance in your relationship with a friend? In my opinion, if we call ourselves friends, then we must, as far as possible, remain so, that is, maintain equality and not decide for the other what will be best for both of you. Friendship is still trust and mutual responsibility between two people. The best thing to do is choose the moment and talk openly. Say: “Listen, what’s going on? Maybe it’s just me, but I notice that you behave somehow differently than usual towards me. Tell me straight, maybe I’m wrong.” It seems to me that openness and honesty, these most important properties of friendship, will help either restore friendly relations, or, sadly, dot all the i's. It may happen that after the conversation the previous relationship will no longer exist.

But there is no need to break off friendship forever! You can agree, for example, to communicate only in company for now, so that besides the two of you, someone else is present. Such attraction to a friend can be situational and pass over time. But it is quite possible that your relationship will never be the same: such losses, unfortunately, are part of our lives.

Is there a “safety precaution” to avoid getting into such a situation?

For example, it is to initially maintain some internal and external distance. Which one? This is decided by the person himself. Let's say, optimal for showing friendly feelings, but not seducing another and not being seduced yourself. If we started talking about distance, I noticed how the form of greeting teenagers, boys and girls has changed over the last 15-20 years. In my childhood and youth, I don’t remember that when they met, a boy and a girl kissed each other on the cheek. Now this is generally accepted.

There is a Protestant saying: the minimum distance between a girl and a boy should be equal to the thickness of the Geneva Bible... By the way, a very thick book! Aren't we in danger of going to extremes and becoming puritans?

No, physical contact exists in friendship, there is nothing wrong with that. But, in my opinion, it should be very careful, limited, or something. It is important to maintain internal sobriety. For example, holding hands - this gesture can be present in both romantic and friendly relationships. Nowadays the tradition of kissing ladies' hands has practically disappeared. It seems to me that this was a wonderful sign of respect and friendship, acceptance, nevertheless leaving a certain distance. I repeat, internal and external distance is necessary in friendship between a man and a woman if we want to keep it pure, without false expectations and experiences on one side or the other.

But I want to note that if there are no moral or other obstacles, then friendship can be a very good foundation for creating a family. It’s great when young people have the experience of perceiving each other not through the “rose-colored glasses” of falling in love, but precisely in friendship, that is, they recognize many of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

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