Abuse from a partner implies some kind of psychological pressure on the volitional component of one’s counterpart. In this article we will cover the topic of purely emotional violence, although often the line between emotional and physical is extremely fluid and can dissolve when a partner crosses the line.
In psychology, it is customary to generally refer to abusers as people with certain mental characteristics, namely people with power, inclined to suppress the will of a partner through direct methods - humiliation, insults, accusations, and indirect ones - demonstrative ignoring, care, manipulation.
Leave the abuser and end the relationship
Of course, the most effective way is to get out of a relationship with such a person and never return to it. But some “victims” of charming narcissists get hooked on the emotional needle and are unable to leave on their own, becoming stuck in such relationships for a long time, or even forever. Some are more afraid of divorce, worry about how they will raise a child, and are afraid that they will violate the stereotype that a “decent woman” must have a husband. Some people simply don’t know how to end a relationship with an abuser—in such cases, it’s better to turn to a psychologist for help.
How do you get into an abusive relationship?
A woman attracts a toxic partner because she behaves in exactly the same way - that is, she lowers a man's self-esteem. For example, saying about herself: “I don’t deserve better,” she conveys that her chosen one is bad and not worthy of respect. But the woman still agrees to be with him, because “there is no other way out.” She behaves the same way towards her children, constantly repeating: “You can’t cope without me,” “No one needs you except your mother,” etc.
Such relationships always burn out, because over the years the husband’s loser complex will develop more and more. At the same time, by humiliating a woman, he will feel like a hero and try to show the same model of behavior in working relationships.
But if his professional competencies are not up to par, these attempts are doomed to failure. And the man will again bring negativity and rage to his half. And, out of fear of losing her, he will suggest that no one else needs her like that. In a woman, in turn, the feeling of inferiority will only worsen, and she will be afraid to change anything.
Discuss the problem
Try to talk about your unexpressed negative feelings, emphasizing your rejection of the man’s unacceptable behavior and statements. You should not speak in an accusatory manner, but from an I-position, for example, “I feel humiliated when I hear such words from you.” This, at least, will allow you to convey your feelings to your partner in a peaceful manner and, if he is not completely devoid of empathy (and he is not a nuclear psychopath), but simply a person who was traumatized at one time, he is obliged to hear.
How to identify an abusive man in the early stages of a relationship
If you are careful, you can notice warning signs. They give away a male tyrant already in the first stages. Your friend may be an abuser if:
- Speaks negatively about exes. A very bright and most noticeable sign. If in the first stages of a relationship you hear a lot of negative words towards your ex-partners, think carefully and take a closer look at the man. Especially if he says that he had to use physical force to “bring him to his senses.”
- Disrespectful attitude towards the mother in particular and towards all women in general. A man often exalts his father in his stories, devaluing the role of his mother in the family. Allows himself to make degrading statements about other women.
- Rapid development of relationships. It will seem to you that the man is madly in love and that is why he is rushing things. But in fact, he wants to quickly gain undivided control over you.
- Sarcastic remarks and criticism directed at you. If you are at a loss from a man’s words, you don’t know how to react, because his words evoke ambivalent feelings, this may be a signal that this is an abuser.
- Tight control and jealousy. Under the guise of love, your partner not only meticulously figures out your every move, but also subsequently demands that you change your plans, your social circle, and give up your friends.
What is abuse and why is it dangerous?
Abuse is a term meaning violence, mistreatment, insult.
Abuse is also a form of psychological, physical, sexual or economic violence against a person. An abuser can be anyone: a partner, friend, acquaintance, colleague, teacher, relative or neighbor. Anyone can also take the place of the victim. A cute little girl psychologically breaks a stern jock no worse than a huge man does with his wife, and children manipulate their parents as successfully as they manipulate them. The aggressor may think that he is doing everything right, because he does not receive a drop of pleasure from his behavior and, in his opinion, is pursuing good goals.
Violence is dangerous not only because it can cause physical harm. Any form of pressure affects the psyche, and not everyone can leave a relationship without emotional losses. The consequences can be serious: decreased self-esteem, loss of self-esteem, the emergence of confidence in one’s own worthlessness, the emergence of pathological anxiety, paranoia, depression, suicidal thoughts and the desire to harm oneself physically.
It is important to note that the victim does not always have the opportunity to limit communication with the abuser, especially if it is a close relative. For example, young children will not be able to leave and live independently of their parents, and parents, in turn, will not be able to abandon their aggressive child. Also, aggressors can deliberately instill a feeling of guilt in their victim so that she does not resist manipulation.
Relationship stages
Listening to stories of girls and women living for years with abusers and not leaving, many people wonder why they tolerate this. There is an explanation for this, and it is not a matter of weak character, as one might think. Abusers do not immediately show their true colors, they wait until their partner becomes attached, and then gradually reveal themselves. It is also difficult to identify the problem, because often abusers do not move on to physical violence, but limit themselves to psychological violence.
Important: Abusive relationships always develop in the same way, and there are several stages.
Idealization
From the first day they meet, they begin to shower you with compliments, immediately confess their feelings, and quickly begin and develop relationships. The abuser always says that this is the kind of girl he was looking for, that you are the best. He strives to move in together, get married, and have a child as soon as possible.
Start of tension
Gradually, the abuser begins to show his true colors. He may ignore you, not ask for your opinion, yell, or stop doing the things he used to do. Starts to criticize.
Act of violence
He openly begins to insult or disappears without explanation. He can show disrespect in any way, in some cases leading to physical violence. At the same time, he blames you for everything.
Reconciliation
Feeling that he may lose the victim, the abuser begins to apologize, make promises, and shower him with gifts.
Honeymoon
After reconciliation, for a certain period the abuser behaves in an exemplary manner. He again compliments, helps, makes concessions.
Then the scenario is repeated in a circle, but without idealization. And over time, the honeymoon cycles become shorter and the periods of violence become longer. The victim can endure such relationships all his life, because the abuser promises to fix everything in moments of reconciliation, and an ideal relationship during the “honeymoon” period gives false hope that everything can be fine.
How to avoid getting into a relationship with an abuser?
A woman with certain stereotypes and childish behavior patterns, who attracts abusers, will not even be able to determine at first that she is in such a relationship. Because this is her norm, a standard learned from childhood. The more such “norms” are absorbed, the more difficult it is for a woman to assess the situation soberly.
Therefore, in order to no longer fall into abusive relationships, you need to work through your patterns and fears. This will help you start looking at the world from a different angle. Appreciate and love yourself more, understand and accept your strength and capabilities.
If everything is in order with your children’s attitudes, take a close look at men on first dates, and monitor the listed alarm bells. If you notice everything or almost everything, you are probably facing an abuser. And it would be better to stop communicating with him.
He doesn't accept your friends and family
Psychological tyrants try in every possible way to protect the victim from communicating with other people, because it is much easier to influence her when someone from the outside is not trying to open a woman’s eyes to her man. An abuser can use different tactics to achieve his goal: convince his wife that her friends are narrow-minded and uninteresting people, and that it is better to stay away from relatives or directly blackmail her.
If after marriage you have broken off communication with all your friends, and you see your relatives only on holidays - think about it.
How can you clearly differentiate between what is abuse and what is not?
Here are several types of abuse and the main actions of people who fall under this concept:
Psychological: The rapist puts moral pressure on the self-esteem of another person, putting him in a state of helplessness and hopelessness. The aggressor insults, humiliates, blackmails, ridicules, dominates or even threatens his victim. He also looks for a weak point so that he can then begin to manipulate. For example, health (after your words my blood pressure rose), feelings of pity (I have no one but you), duty (unlike you, I always come to your aid), fear (no one will love you except me) . Often, due to psychological violence, the victim injures himself, feeling guilty. An abuser can do this, but only to make the victim feel guilty. You can read why people deliberately hurt themselves here.
Financial: The abuser limits and completely controls all financial flows of another person at will. Vivid examples of victims of this type are women on maternity leave, disabled people, old people, children and teenagers who do not have the opportunity to work. But people who earn money but do not manage their money themselves can also be victims.
Physical: The aggressor hits, pushes, strangles, slaps, damages property, restricts the ability to move freely or communicate with other people.
Sexual: The abuser does not take into account the desire and physical condition of the partner, perceiving him as an object to satisfy his sexual needs. Most often, the rapist is a man, motivating his behavior by the fact that a woman must fulfill her marital duty. During sexual abuse, the victim experiences the same emotions as during rape.
I want to see the main signs of abuse ↓Abuse can be considered any actions of a person who:
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However, if a person raised his voice a couple of times, spoke rudely or made fun of you, this does not mean that he is an abuser. Perhaps he had a bad day, he was overtired or nervous, so he could not control himself. A distinctive feature of aggressors is that their toxic actions are stable. But sometimes an abuser may alternate between abusive and nurturing behavior so that the person turns a blind eye to his negative character traits.
It is important to understand that if the “victim” is completely satisfied with such behavior, then this cannot be considered abuse. You must clearly understand whether such a relationship suits you or whether you are deceiving yourself because you are being manipulated.
How will the manipulator behave after?
The abuser will definitely try to get his partner back.
Her departure will be a complete shock for him, because he believed that he did everything right. The person will try in every possible way to make contact . If this does not work out, you should expect revenge.
He may post damaging photos or spread unpleasant rumors about his ex. However, there is also a more or less adequate type of abuser.
They will also try to make contact, but after a while they will stop trying. Such people, having realized the loss, are really capable of changing. It is only important to recognize them in time and not confuse them with previous species.
Make a plan
Perhaps you feel trapped, aware that you are being treated poorly, but don't know what to do about it. Feeling powerless makes you give up, but in reality you have options. A security plan can help you see these options and prepare for them . Most often, such plans include preparing for a breakup or ways to physically protect yourself from violence. It is useful to have this information: you may want to leave your partner in the future, physical violence is also possible. But you deserve emotional well-being right now, even if you don't plan on leaving your partner.
Therefore, our security plan will look a little different. It is important to be prepared to protect your well-being and relieve stress in situations that do not require emergency intervention. Not all people will benefit from the same thing, but here are tips to give you a starting point and help you figure out what's best for you.
I would suggest making a plan in writing - this way all the options for action will be before your eyes, you can check it (just hide it away from the abuser).
Decide what you need. When you get used to putting your partner's interests above your own, it can be difficult to understand what exactly you need. So ask yourself: How exactly is my partner hurting me? Make a list, don't just limit yourself to physical abuse. How does he hurt you with his words or actions?
What will help you heal from this pain? Don't be patient, if you are experiencing physical pain, seek medical help. Think about what will help you recover from each type of emotional abuse your partner uses.
What will I get if my needs are met? You may be used to not paying attention to your needs, but our plan requires you to pay special attention to them. After every action that hurts you, think about why it is important for you to relieve this pain. For example, if your partner constantly insults you, you need something that will raise your self-esteem, you will feel better, you will not consider yourself inadequate.
Consider options that will help meet your needs. Every time your partner does something that requires you to come to your senses and recover, you may have several options for behavior. Here are tips to help you come up with these options:
- Start with what you already know, writing down all the ideas you have as you think about how to feel better after each episode of violence.
- Reflect on how you have dealt with such situations before, and include in your list those strategies that are already working for you.
- Talk to a psychologist, call a hotline, ask a trusted friend to help you with ideas in the area where you are experiencing difficulty.
- Write down all the ways you can take care of yourself after each violent act against you.
So, if you need to boost your self-esteem when your partner puts you down, your list might include:
- Create a file on your computer or laptop where you will write down positive affirmations that will increase your self-esteem. Repeat these affirmations to yourself when your partner humiliates you.
- Think about which friend always raises your self-esteem, call this person or send an SMS, say that you need to cheer up.
- Think through thoughts in advance that can be opposed to the words with which your partner humiliates you. For example, if someone says something bad about my intelligence, I think to myself, “I’m damn smart, and the way I deal with challenges is proof of that.”
- Ignore the insults (and focus on something positive).
If you can’t immediately come up with your own options, don’t worry. Understanding your needs is a big step, and as you learn more about intimate partner violence, you may have some ideas. Make your options available.
Now that you know what to do, you need to make sure that you can use your ideas at any time.
If you think that positive affirmations will help you against insults, look for them on the Internet or in books and write down those that resonate with you. If you know which friends can boost your self-esteem, learn their phone numbers or write them down so you can remember them in time. Figure out where to store your plan so you can quickly find it and remember what options you have.
Our lives and relationships change over time, so you need to periodically adjust your plan to keep it relevant. It may be helpful to keep a journal and write about patterns that repeat in your relationships, challenges you struggle with, and tools that help you stay flexible. Now you know what you need, how to meet those needs, and you have strategies ready to fall back on.
Your decisions are yours alone and no one else's. You have been made to understand many times that you cannot make decisions on your own - by force, coercion, by sending you to resources that say that the only way out is to break off relations with the abuser right now.
Preparing for separation
The first thing you need to do in order to at least a little rein in the abuser is to try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and frankly tell him about your intention to break up.
Often words do not reach such people, however, in the minds of some abusers, after realizing a possible loss, a significant change can occur; it is only important to choose the right words so as not to anger the partner and not get another conflict with broken dishes and threats.
First of all, you need to talk calmly . It's better to look your partner in the eyes. This calms many abusers down. It is important to demonstrate that this is no longer his victim, but an independent person who can really leave.
The partner must learn to demonstrate his own “I” and stop following the abuser’s lead. Having noticed this, some people are able to correct themselves before realizing a possible loss. If this does not happen, the satellite will simply prepare the ground for separation.
He justifies his actions with high feelings
Whatever the abuser does, he assures his partner that he is doing it in the name of love for her. This is why women sometimes endure emotional or even physical tyranny for decades - they believe that this, albeit non-standard, is a manifestation of sincere feelings.
The “stick” is always followed by a “carrot” - the abuser repents, speaks of love, and may even shed a tear or burst into tears. Despite the bitter experience, the woman believes that this time really was the last. Emotional tyrants are very persuasive.
Who is an abuser in simple words?
An abuser is a person who tries to coerce, intimidate, control, and isolate
someone with whom you are in regular and close contact (this could be a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or child).
In relationships, such a person demonstrates a destructive type of caring. He can be physically violent
(attempts to hit, push, grab some part of the body or cause other harm), and
psychological
, using humiliation, denial, criticism and playing on the emotions of the victim.
Often the abuser feels that other people owe him something. This makes them feel entitled to give orders, abuse, control and get what they want.
What signs should you look for to recognize an abusive man in a relationship?
Common Mistakes
What you shouldn’t do to finally get rid of an abuser:
- Sort things out . Telling the abuser before breaking up about all the negativity that the partner has accumulated over the years of pressure is not the best option. This can lead to conflict with unpredictable consequences.
- Give in to persuasion . The abuser may kneel and crawl at his partner's feet, begging him to return. We should not forget that this is just another method of psychological pressure.
- Meet . You can't date an abuser after a breakup. Seeing his victim, he can go to any extreme. The maximum is a phone call, which you can always cancel.
- Blame yourself . Every person has a moral limit. People shouldn't feel guilty about being bullied for years. The abuser only got what he sought.
What to do if the relationship has gone far?
Abusers quickly gain the trust of their partner, so it is possible that when his partner understands the seriousness of the situation, the relationship will have already gone far. It is especially difficult to part with a tyrant if there are children in the family .
If violence manifests itself physically, you need to act immediately. You can even combine breaking up the relationship with calling the police. If a person does not want to involve law enforcement agencies in his family conflicts, it is recommended to take a number of preparatory measures before leaving the abuser:
Save money .
If you have to run away from your partner, it is better to have a small cash reserve. It should be enough for a person to last the first few months of his life, until he finds a job and gets used to the new place.The money you put aside should be kept secret from your partner.
- Prepare a retreat . You can agree with relatives or friends so that they are ready to accept the person at any time.
- Always be ready . In a fit of jealousy, the abuser can damage documents and valuables, so it is recommended to put them in a bag and store them in a safe place. In case of a stormy breakup, this will help you escape from home faster. As a last resort, you can make copies of important documents.
- Buy a spare phone . The abuser strives to control everything, so he quickly learns about the preparations for separation. To avoid this, it is better to buy a spare phone and hide it in a safe place. You can agree on escape plans and acquire the necessary contacts.
- Change passwords . Just before you leave, it is better to change the passwords for your pages on social networks and delete any information that can be used to track a person’s location.
How to get over a breakup?
Any separation is an emotional shock for a person.
Even breaking up with an abuser. Many people experience depression at this time . The person believes that he acted recklessly, but one should not forget that this is a consequence of psychological trauma that was inflicted by the partner.
Emotionally, you need to occupy yourself with other things and try to learn to enjoy life. If this is not done, a person risks completely undermining his self-esteem.
You need to remember that an abuser won’t just leave you alone, so it’s better to take care of protection from such a person in advance. It is recommended not to go anywhere alone. A rejected abuser is unpredictable. When leaving, you should not forget valuable things in such a person’s home. He will try to take advantage of this factor and get in touch with his partner.
If you are too persistent, you can contact law enforcement agencies , because... persecution and moral pressure are punishable by law.
The main rule after leaving such a relationship is to keep yourself from returning to the abuser. Some people are afraid of pressure and persecution, others are lured by gifts. There is a third category of people. Abusers are very attached to themselves. Some time after a breakup, a person begins to feel like he is doing everything wrong. That he made a mistake.
In this case, you need to remember what motivated the departure . It is better to write this down on a piece of paper on the first day after leaving the relationship and every time thoughts about returning appear, look at this piece of paper. This will help you resist temptation.
How to resist an abusive husband - Reviews from women
“How to behave with an abusive man? Don't know. I broke up with my abusive man six months ago, and the marriage lasted four. “I fell for his beautiful advances and did not attach any importance to the fact that he looked through all my contacts on social networks and expressed his (unflattering) assessments of my friends. Further more. What hasn’t happened over the years! Fights and insults, a broken arm and isolation from all my friends, a critical drop in self-esteem... Thank God for telling me not to have children from an abuser. I’m sure I won’t fall into such a trap again.”
Tatyana, 37 years old.
“How to behave with an abusive man? Complex issue. I spent 11 of my most active young years on an abuser. She got married as an inexperienced girl who did not listen to any warnings from her parents or more experienced and older friends. Still would! After all, my self-esteem was off the charts: I’m so beautiful, it’s impossible not to love me! And when I realized who I was dealing with, it was already too late. They began to put pressure on my conscience, reproaching me for selfishness and unwillingness to understand and appreciate. As a result, when a difficult period in my life came, my husband left me on his own, and there was no question of his conscience.”
Natalya, 32 years old.
We looked at reviews from women on how to confront an abusive husband
How to report?
Psychologists advise that when breaking up with an abuser, do it abruptly. Not in terms of words, but in terms of time. There is no need to try to somehow humiliate a person. This can infuriate him and lead to extremely unpleasant consequences. A man can reach the point of assault, even if this has not been noticed before.
You can't listen to his excuses . The abuser can lie on his knees and beg to stay, while promising to improve. Theoretically, this is possible, but it’s worth waiting until he proves it in practice.
The simplest and most effective way to leave an abuser is what is called “running under the cover of darkness.” After this, it is advisable to completely disappear from his field of vision for at least a few months.
There is one unpleasant type of abuser who perceives complete blocking as a kind of challenge. He will throw all his energy into searching for his ex-partner. If a person comes across exactly this type, you can go out to him for short contact once every few months, preferably remotely. But we should not forget - you cannot date an abuser.
