What is verbal aggression
Verbal aggression is no less destructive than physical attacks.
It often manifests itself subtly, day after day, and makes your time in the office unbearable, says Florence Benichou, a specialist in improving the quality of life at work and general manager of the Better Human Co. coaching center.
The DARES research agency of the French Ministry of Labor has listed the signs of verbal aggression:
— degrading remarks
— contemptuous attitude
— non-recognition of labor
Marie Pezet, Doctor of Psychology, consultant on improving the working climate, noted that 30% of employees in France have experienced this at least once.
DARES noted that aggressive behavior is more common in organizations where:
— there are no clear boundaries in the work schedule and in relationships within the team
— lack of material resources
— strict supervisor-subordinate boundaries are established
Workers who experience aggression from coworkers are more likely to complain about health problems, have accidents at work, and take time off work.
Marie Pese:
A stressful work environment makes employees more anxious, and for some, anxiety manifests itself through aggression. People who work in stressful conditions are 66% more likely to be aggressive than others.
This behavior is often aggravated by ignorance of the law by employers, who must prevent it and repel the aggressor.
IDEWE Group, a specialist in preventing such incidents at work, conducted a survey among 45,000 French workers. It showed that every ninth employee faces insults, threats of physical violence or aggression.
The construction, public service and industry sectors are most susceptible to intra-team aggression (58.3% of cases). And in the healthcare and education sectors, aggression from the outside is more common, primarily from clients (64.9% and 57.4%).
Conflict management is
1. purposeful influence on the process of its dynamics;
- 2. purposeful, conditioned by objective laws of influence on the process of its dynamics in the interests of development or destruction of the social system to which this social conflict is related;
3. targeted influence on those in conflict in the interests of reducing the level of tension between them;
4. purposeful, conditioned by objective laws of influence on the process of forming an adequate image of a conflict situation among those in conflict in the interests of reducing the level of tension between them;
5. targeted influence on the motives of those in conflict.
What to do when you encounter aggression for the first time
Marie Pese advises to react immediately. You can set a clear boundary by saying, “This behavior is not acceptable.” Or: “I don’t like this way of talking, it’s uncomfortable for me, don’t continue.”
The psychologist recommends being as convincing as possible: “I feel like I was insulted. You may not have intended to do this, but this is how I see the situation, and for me it is extremely unpleasant.”
It is important to use “I” (“I feel attacked”) rather than an accusatory “You” (“You have insulted me”).
This does not resemble retaliatory aggression, which will lead to an escalation of the conflict. In addition, you will make it clear how you feel about the situation.
How to resist aggression?
We are all self-sufficient, independent, independent people who playfully solve complex problems and bravely resolve difficult life situations. But even such giants sometimes feel as if they were placed in a juicer - without strength, without emotions. They feel small and defenseless. Most often, such sensations arise when meeting with open aggression - an angry boss, a drunk and overly active neighbor, an ordinary yard bully, a tired cashier or an inadequate person in a long-hour line. However, it is possible to resist aggression! Today we will talk about the most common verbal aggression and think about how to achieve “zen” when communicating with an angry opponent and how to behave in order to “extinguish” the flaring conflict.
- Other people's aggression does not concern you.
It’s trite, but it’s a fact: if a person is aggressive, it means it’s his choice. And, in fact, it’s not your problem. What does the aggressor want? To pour out their “dirt” on you and at the same time feed on the energy that comes from your reaction. Do you hear someone getting angry? Do not answer loudly, do not direct accusatory speeches at him, pretend that he is not there. Don’t let the aggressor “devour” your emotions.
This point is relevant in a situation where, for example, you are standing in line at the post office or at the clinic and the aggression does not concern you personally. Does it still apply? Let's look at the next point.
- An adequate response is required.
If someone hurts you purposefully, you cannot remain silent and move away. This, as a rule, inflames the offender even more, and your self-esteem drops to the very base. Calmly, slowly and sternly, looking the aggressor in the eyes, tell him: “You shouldn’t speak to me in that tone,” “Be careful with your statements,” “Stop raising your voice at me.” Deliberately polite, cold and distant. At first glance, it seems that this is too simple and not entirely effective. But keep in mind that our goal is not to defeat the boor (boors are sooooo skillful!) - we must show him that we can stand up for ourselves, that we will not scream and hysteria - there is nothing to catch the aggressor here. By the way, psychologists called this state of confident, restrained, calm and purposeful defense of one’s boundaries the “boa constrictor” state.
- We smile.
No matter how stupid it may seem, a smile usually takes the aggressor by surprise: he simply does not understand why you react to his attacks in this way and what to do about it. But a smile in such a situation is the prerogative of strong individuals who have learned to protect their borders and have already become a “boa constrictor.” You can add a skillful psychological technique to a radiant smile: mentally protect yourself from the aggressor, for example, with a waterfall or a wall, a shield or a fence. In general, I’m in the house.
- We talk about our feelings.
This technique is suitable for communicating with loved ones who behaved aggressively towards you. This is especially true when interacting with someone who, as you know, is not aggressive in itself, that is, his behavior was influenced by a bad mood, an understatement between you, or even a resentment that you had no idea about. When the aggressor calms down and begins to realize the scale of what was done, calmly and restrainedly tell him that this situation is unpleasant for you, that it offends/hurts/traumatizes/disappoints/scares you. This will lead to the fact that the opponent will try to explain his behavior in response, that is, you have every chance of a constructive dialogue. After a heart-to-heart conversation, such conflicts are usually successfully resolved.
When you are on the verge of a conflict, it is a good idea to remember some rules carefully compiled by psychologists:
- Look for compromises.
- Listen to your opponent’s position and clearly, calmly, and to the point, state your opinion.
- Don't get personal. Discuss the problem, not the person.
- Don't be fooled by attempts to take you out of your comfort zone. Less reaction means fewer opportunities to manipulate your condition.
And I’ll add: Many of us - I myself have sinned like this before - after meeting with an aggressor (an acquaintance or the first person we meet), we think that it is our fault, that all the abysses of heaven open up right above our heads, that we are losers in life and that “ Well, this can only happen to me.” But that's not true. Think about point 1 more often and learn to forget the negative aspects. There are many good things in life!
And now about the global one. Life is fleeting, no matter how banal and painfully hackneyed it may sound. Therefore, less squabbles and quarrels, less aggression and negativity - more joy and harmony! Yes, in everyday life there is a place for different situations - this must be accepted. But we can do what we can to reduce their number and become happier!
You can live in life in different ways: You can live in sorrow and in joy. Eat on time, drink on time, do nasty things on time. Or you can do this: Get up at dawn And, thinking about a miracle, With your burnt hand, reach for the sun And give it to people. <Sergey Ostrovoy>
What to do when aggression recurs
Talk about this with colleagues you trust.
Employees who are targeted often think that they are the only victims. Florence Benichou noted that aggression in the workplace is usually directed at several people.
The more you talk about it, the more similar stories you will hear.
Use the OVPV method
The OVPV method (DESC from the French Description - Exprimer - Suggérer - Conclusion) is an effective method when communicating with a person who is aggressive against you. The goal is to describe the experience of the situation.
It consists of four stages:
O - description of the situation in which you were attacked, a list of actions performed by the aggressor: “You scream and bang your fist on my table”
B - expressing your emotions using “I”: “I feel threatened”
P - proposal to solve a problem: “Would you be willing to take the time to calmly discuss what is bothering you?”
B - conclusion, namely a description of what the attacker will receive if you resolve the situation peacefully: “So together we will find a solution that suits everyone.”
The cause of the conflict is:
1. opposing motives of the subjects of social interaction;
2. a combination of circumstances that manifest a conflict;
- 3. phenomena, events, facts, situations that precede a conflict and, under certain conditions of activity of subjects of social interaction, cause it;
4. accumulated contradictions associated with the activities of subjects of social interaction, which create the ground for real confrontation between them;
5. what causes the conflict.
Forms of manifestation of aggression. Ways to utilize aggression by adults
Taboo forms of expressing aggression include behavior that can cause harm or harm to living beings, nature or the person himself - for example, physical, sexual, psychological violence, insults, humiliation, public ridicule, threats, harassment, harsh criticism, rough treatment, loud shouting , damage to property, etc.
Eco-friendly forms include ways of physically expressing anger that do not cause damage or harm to people and all living things and do not lead to negative consequences.
You can utilize your aggression with the help of team sports, especially where there is physical contact (volleyball, football, boxing, martial arts), running, spontaneous dancing to fast music, sex, you can also try screaming, loudly singing rhythmic songs or playing the drums. In situations where it is not possible to express anger physically, you can try to imagine the offender or the object of anger and mentally beat him. In addition, to relieve tension in such a situation, you can try to breathe deeply: in this case, the exhalation should be longer than the inhalation (for example, inhale for 4 counts, and exhale for 6 or 8 counts).
At the same time, in order to utilize aggression as much as possible, it is important to understand who or what you are angry at, since anger, as a rule, is always objective. If aggression relates to a specific person, then it is necessary to imagine him and hit something soft with all his might (pillow, sofa, punching bag, fitness ball, etc.). If you feel anger directed at yourself, then you need to realize its true causes. It can be constructive if it is necessary to control any negative behavior that harms you or others, and it can be unconstructive, for example, if you do not accept any shortcomings in yourself. In both cases, it is necessary to try to eliminate the cause of anger, otherwise over time it can turn into auto-aggression destructive for the individual and the body.
If you cannot identify the object of anger or determine its causes, you should consult a psychologist. In the process of psychotherapeutic work with adults, I often encounter displaced aggression, for example, when an adult takes out his anger on a child or partner, finding fault with every little thing, but is actually angry at his parents or boss at work.
