Aggression in relationships: causes and methods of solving the problem

Man is endowed with a huge range of feelings and emotions. These are reactions to certain life situations. A person reacts by expressing either positive emotions or negative ones. Today we will talk about aggression. Aggression most often acts as a negative reaction. Its reasons for appearing in relationships, consequences and how to deal with it are described below.

Translated from Latin as attack. Aggression is behavior of a destructive nature. It violates the norms of human existence and is destructive (physical attack, mental suppression).

Reasons for aggression in relationships

Relationships between a man and a woman require a wise approach in order to maintain the union. What causes aggression in family relationships? There are many reasons for aggression:

The first reason may come from childhood. The child was not allowed to get angry or show his emotions. But this is normal. The little man is just learning to cope with them. And instead of being taught to direct irritation in the right direction, the child was forced to simply suppress negative emotions. With age, a person never learns to cope with aggression. He accumulates and suppresses it in himself until a certain moment. And when the “vessel is full,” the partner “explodes,” pouring out everything that he has accumulated. And his other half will not be happy.
The second reason can be called the failure to implement any plans. For example, one of the partners is not going well at work, in hobbies, or in other matters. Then upon returning home, he throws out his anger on his loved one, who, in turn, does not understand what he is to blame for.
It is known that men by nature are “conquerors, conquerors.” And having won the lady of their heart, they begin to behave like winners, showing toughness and sometimes rudeness towards their other half. Thus they want to show who is boss in the house.
Female aggression manifests itself due to the fact that a man does not pay attention to her to the extent that she would like. Hence the tears, jealousy, quarrels, etc.
Another reason for aggression may be hormonal imbalance. If hormones such as testosterone and adrenaline predominate, then negative emotions will not keep you waiting.
If one of the partners (or both) drinks alcohol or drugs, then his mental state will be unbalanced, which leads to aggression.
Watching aggressive programs and violent films can also serve to manifest anger and irritation.

Causes of aggressiveness

Attacks of aggressiveness are a painful symptom that indicates the presence of foci of overexcitation in the brain. There are many reasons for such attacks, here are the most common ones:

Consequences of organic brain damage: traumatic brain injury, stroke, foci of atrophy or cysts in brain tissue, hypoxia (oxygen starvation), encephalopathy.
Epilepsy.
Alcohol dependence, drug addiction and substance abuse.
Personality disorders (psychopathy).
Endogenous diseases: schizotypal disorder, depressive or manic state, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder.
Overwork.

How to deal with aggression in a relationship?

Such a human reaction does not bring anything good and bright. And such a manifestation must and can be fought. When the cause of the outbreak of aggression is determined, you can safely begin to eliminate it. Here are some effective ways:

Under no circumstances should you respond in kind to your partner. Retaliatory anger can only cause half to become even more aggressive. It’s better to remain silent, speak calmly, and let the person speak. Then you can continue the conversation peacefully.
To suppress your aggression, it is better to do breathing exercises (deep breath, holding your breath, deep exhalation). This will bring the body into a calm state.
You can give vent to your negative energy through physical exercise (press exercises, push-ups, squats, etc.).
Household chores (washing dishes, floors, etc.) help get rid of aggression.
You can also take out your anger on your pillow. She needs to be beaten with fists. This way, all the negativity will go away.
If you have experience in meditation, then you should take it up. This also includes the practice of writing your negative feelings on a piece of paper. Then it must be burned.
Before you say nasty things to your other half, you should go to another room, catch your breath and figure out the reason why the argument started. After realizing the reason, you need to think about whether it’s worth quarreling over this.
A walk in the fresh air or watching a pleasant movie helps suppress your aggression.
It is necessary, if possible, to avoid the cause of the conflict (for example, if one of the partners is annoyed by the fact that the other leaves unwashed dishes, you should wash the dishes after yourself).
If conflicts have become serious, you should seek help from a specialist (psychologist). It will help you cope with your own aggression.

In today's hectic world, there are reasons for aggression at every turn. And if you don’t learn to control your emotions (don’t suppress them, but allow them to go out in a different direction), then divorce is just a stone’s throw away. You should not allow negative feelings to dominate family relationships.

Question for a psychologist: what is passive aggression and how to respond to it?

How to recognize passive aggression and what can it be confused with?

Each of us, most likely, has more than once encountered sarcasm or dissatisfaction addressed to us, or sabotage of some actions on the part of loved ones or colleagues. “Yes, I’ll do it on time”, “okay, I’ll be on time” - however, the person does not submit the task on time, does not arrive on time and does not warn about being late. He makes empty promises over and over again.

This is one of the ways of expressing passive aggression - a pattern of behavior in which aggression is not actively manifested, but is hidden. A person cannot express disagreement directly (“I don’t agree,” “this doesn’t suit me,” “I feel angry”) because of a deep-seated fear of expressing negative emotions.

How else can people express passive aggression?

Deny anger with the phrases “everything is fine,” although facial expressions may indicate the opposite.
“Forget” about something important: “I didn’t know where the documents were.”
Ignore your words or requests.
"Game of silence": you cannot get a word in response to your questions.

Most often, a person shows passive aggression towards people who are significant to him - parents, husband or wife, other close relatives or friends, as well as those who are higher in status - a manager, a richer, more influential person.

Passive aggression is usually formed unconsciously in childhood or adolescence, as a way to hide anger or anger when expressing these feelings is prohibited. “Don’t you dare scream”, “shut up” - such phrases from parents and other significant adults lead to the formation of hidden discontent.

In adulthood, passive aggression can be a completely conscious behavior - for example, in a team, when a person does not have the opportunity to openly express disagreement, and then “sabotage” of work tasks follows with external consent to their implementation, deliberately slow execution of actions. The “Italian” strike is a vivid example of passive aggression in the work collective.

Passive aggression can be confused with the first symptoms of emotional burnout, when a person takes on too many tasks, demands a lot from himself, and does not allow himself to relax. Internal tension increases - this can affect the physical condition, the person begins to postpone deadlines. Moreover, when he restores resources, behavior normalizes, he can again express different feelings, talk openly about desires. Passive aggression is constant; a person’s behavior does not change.

I would like to note that almost all of us show situational passive aggression quite often. It lies, for example, in the phrases “do as you know,” “ok, I’m behind.”

How to respond to passive aggression?

Avoid criticism, accusations and demands. Be aware of how you feel in response to passive aggression. Anger? Impotence? Misunderstanding?

The person promised to do it on time, but didn’t do it, and you had to remind him about it several times? Share your confusion about broken promises and his responsibility. Ask if he is interested in the tasks that he agreed to take on, and convey that it is important for you that your employees (if this is your subordinate) feel comfortable working on the project or in a team, express your readiness to provide support.

If you experience passive aggression in a close relationship, voice your feelings without delay. Discuss the difficulties that have arisen calmly and constructively, but remember your needs, and also that you cannot change the behavior of a person formed before you. Ask openly if the other person is angry with you. The catch is that the person is unlikely to answer honestly the first time.

What should I do if there is a passive-aggressive person in my environment, from whom it is impossible to distance myself (for example, a colleague or boss)? How to communicate with such people?

If this is a colleague, then you need to return responsibility to the person for unfinished, postponed tasks, and respond to sarcasm - openly and without aggression.

If this is a relative, a friend, then evaluate the importance of the relationship with the person, tell him that his opinion and feelings are important to you, make it clear that you are ready for dialogue and he can be frank with you.

What should I do if I see passive aggression everywhere? Even where it shouldn't be.

We need to start “testing” reality. Yes, people around you may not respond to you, sabotage you, or not keep their promises, but look around: are they all like this? Do all people show passive aggression towards you? It's probably worth paying attention to your own reactions: do you talk openly about your desires and needs, about what you're dissatisfied with?

Is it possible to recognize passive aggression in correspondence? Is it fair to think that a period at the end of a sentence is a sign of passive aggression? And in general, does it manifest itself non-verbally and how can you see it?

If you write to a person or ask about something in a correspondence, and often there is no answer, although your messages are read, then this could be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. They didn’t openly express their dissatisfaction with you, they simply didn’t answer for inexplicable reasons. In this case, the most constructive option is to ask the other person directly, stating the facts - without judgment - and sharing your feelings about this: “I see that you often do not respond to my messages. Please tell me why? When you are silent for a long time, I worry.” It is quite possible that the person was simply busy, stressed, or has not yet decided how to answer you.

Based on the presence or absence of a period at the end of a sentence, it’s probably not worth making an unambiguous conclusion that the interlocutor is showing passive aggression towards you. Perhaps he is simply sensitive to grammar and likes everything to be according to the rules. Rather, you should monitor changes in the manner of correspondence: if he previously neglected periods, and then suddenly began to put them everywhere, this may be a reason to think about it.

Some people write important words and phrases in capslock or put a period after each word. If a person does this often or constantly, then he probably suppresses anger and discontent. In other cases, it may be humor or a cognitive reappraisal of anger, which is typical of adults. We have different ways of regulating our feelings. When there are several of them in our arsenal, we are not fixated on one and get the opportunity to manage the situation. If we act in a pattern, using only one pattern (for example, suppressing anger), we adapt to the situation, but do not change it. Circumstances are beyond us. And managing emotions in different ways means mastering the situation.

When someone annoys me, I cannot control myself and become passive aggressive. How to deal with this and is it necessary?

We become irritated by another person's behavior or words because our boundaries—emotional, physical, spatial, and others—have often been violated. If the irritation in terms of the strength of the reaction is not adequate to the situation, this is a reason to think about what could have caused this.

Ask yourself questions:

Is my relationship with this person important to me?
What's behind my irritation?
What terrible thing will happen if I show my feelings?

What is the difference between passive aggression and toxicity?

Strictly speaking, in psychology there is no such thing as “toxicity” - there are sensations that appear from communicating with a certain type of people: emotional discomfort, an unpleasant aftertaste from communication.

Such feelings can also arise from passive-aggressive people. But since their anger is suppressed, they avoid conflicts; they usually do not experience such an intense onslaught of feelings as with people who are usually called toxic.

Toxic people may complain and gossip a lot, thereby making you feel compelled to help them.

There are similarities between toxicity and passive-aggressive behavior: you feel “deprived” of communication with a person, emotional discomfort (for example, guilt or powerlessness), and do not understand what is happening between you.

When does passive aggression become overt? How to track and stop this in time (in yourself or in another person)?

The most valuable thing is to admit your dissatisfaction, feelings of anger, anger. Anger protects you from attack, indicates injustice against you, and signals unmet needs for understanding, recognition of your competence, and respect for boundaries.

Many people tend to suppress anger - sometimes we get so used to doing it that we don’t even realize it. However, research shows that suppressing anger does not reduce its intensity on a physiological level - the body still reacts: blood rushes to the head, the heartbeat quickens. This physiological reaction can provoke psychosomatic diseases.

Once you become aware of repressed aggression, you may experience it too intensely. It `s naturally. It is quite difficult to deal environmentally with anger and rage in the moment. But acknowledging anger means acknowledging it as part of your feelings. Anger is not all of you. Remember the Hulk from the Marvel universe. Defending himself, he turned into a superhero with unknown physical strength, and then became an ordinary man. That is, he was not constantly in a state of anger - he regulated it based on the situation.

When you become aware of aggression, you are already able to control it. Give aggression a chance to be heard: for example, talk to a safe person who is willing to listen to you. Exercise will also help channel aggression in a safe and beneficial direction. Another good technique is to write a letter to the person who made you angry and express in it everything you want to say to him (sending the letter is not necessary).

If you feel anger coming at someone else's actions or words, say so. Think about how your words can change someone else's behavior, and next time they will think about your feelings.

The skill of regulating anger comes gradually - it’s like riding a bicycle: at first it’s difficult, but each time you act more confidently.

Biological factors

There are theories that a person is prone to aggression by his very nature, from birth. But social psychologists actively criticize this position, because Research shows that levels of aggression vary markedly across countries.

They accept that a person may have an innate tendency to exhibit various forms of aggression, but this tendency is suppressed by cultural and social factors.

But social psychologists by no means ignore other biological factors. For example, the following hormones influence aggressiveness:

Serotonin. This is a substance that regulates the strength of human anger. If it is lacking, a person loses the ability to effectively control emotions. Therefore, its level should be maintained at normal levels.
Testosterone. It used to be that the higher the testosterone level, the more aggressive a person is. But recent studies have shown that levels that are too low or too high lead to aggression. Those. It is also important to monitor its level.

In general, social psychologists believe that biological factors have an influence on a person’s aggressiveness, but are far from decisive.

Cognitive factors

The first cognitive factor we will look at is scripts. Let's look at two examples:

You're on a crowded bus and someone steps on your foot. Since you didn't plan to fight on the bus, your script will oppose this form of aggression.

Some young man has what is called “his hands itching,” and he goes to a nightclub with the goal of testing his strength and fighting training with someone. Naturally, in such a mood, in such a scenario, any little thing can provoke an extremely aggressive reaction.

An important cognitive factor is evaluation. Let's take the same example: someone stepped on your foot on a bus. If it is crowded and people stand close together, then this is, of course, unpleasant, but it is obvious that the person did it by accident. This assessment will reduce your level of aggression.

But if the bus is almost empty and someone deliberately steps on your foot, it is obvious that you will react more aggressively. Re-evaluation may also follow: a change in attitude due to new observations. For example, you may notice that a person felt bad, he couldn’t keep his balance and therefore stepped on your foot, that is, it was still accidental. In this case, reassessment will reduce the level of aggression.

Another cognitive factor is past experience. An event may trigger a past negative experience, make you remember past emotions, and in this case, your level of aggression will increase.

The level of aggression is also influenced by the current mood.

Provoking aggression

Almost everyone has at least once experienced or observed from the side how one person deliberately provokes another into aggression. This manipulation can be used for various purposes. It happens that people provoke others into aggression in order to take the position of a victim and make the person feel guilty so that later he will do what they want. Some people lack attention and emotions, so they try to get them in such unhealthy ways. Well, someone provokes a conflict in order to throw out the accumulated negativity in response - this is how, as a rule, people with displaced aggression behave.

In order not to succumb to provocation, you need to try to calm down, concentrate on your breathing and look at the situation from the outside: realize that not everything is okay with this person if he behaves this way. You can imagine this person as a small, squeaky animal. Or mentally imagine how you hit him with all your might. If the provocateur does not receive any external response from you, then he will “lose” and calm down.

Author: practicing psychologist S.P. Chikunova

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How to teach a child to utilize aggression

It is necessary to teach a child to recognize and correctly express his emotions, including anger, from early childhood. When he or you start to get angry, you need to say it (“you’re angry now,” “I’m angry with you”). Over time, he will begin to recognize this emotion. Then you need to offer a socially acceptable way to express aggression: beating together a large soft toy or pillow, stomping your feet, kicking a ball, in nature you can scream, break dry tree branches or throw stones into the water. If your child is angry at a specific person or situation, then it is worth discussing with him who or what situation he is angry at.

It is imperative to tell the child that he has the right to be angry, that it is possible and necessary to talk about his feelings, but he should not beat or call anyone offensive names. If he is angry, he can express his anger in a designated place and in a certain way (for example, making a safe space in the apartment where he can hit or kick something without harming himself and others).