My parents argue and fight, what to do - instructions for children and teenagers

In the previous article we touched on the topic of parental prohibitions. Today we will talk about what to do if parents argue again.

Again the parents speak in a raised voice. You want to run away from home, just so as not to see how two people you care about are fighting. Every now and then the question arises in my head: “Why can’t they agree?” When you ask your mother, she hugs you, kisses the top of your head, and then looks away. Your father pats you on the shoulder and promises each time: “Everything will be fine, just be patient a little...”. But a day, a week passes, and the situation repeats itself.

Maybe your family used to be friendly, but quarrels began recently, which became an unpleasant surprise for you? How to solve this problem? How should you act in such a situation?

Causes of parental quarrels - why do parents swear and even fight?

Quarrels happen in every family. Some quarrel on a large scale - with fights and damage to property, others - through clenched teeth and slamming doors, others - out of habit, only to then make peace just as violently.

Regardless of the scale of the quarrel, it always affects the children, who suffer more than anyone else in this situation and suffer from hopelessness.

How to fight without damaging your relationship?

You carry past grievances within you

If you have already left adolescence, then you need to look for other explanations.

“The first thing that comes to mind is that there are unresolved conflicts,” Goldsmith continues. “Perhaps you harbor a grudge against your parents.”

Or perhaps you are still clinging to your childhood role. Each child plays several roles in the process of growing up: baby, parent, peacemaker, helper, hero, rebel. If you are trying to change, the restrictions they place on you can make you angry.

Why do parents fight - what are the reasons for their quarrels?

Parents are tired of each other. They have been living together for quite a long time, but there are practically no common interests. Misunderstandings between them and reluctance to give in to each other develop into conflicts.
Tired of work. Dad works “three shifts”, and his fatigue spills out in the form of irritation. And if at the same time the mother does not particularly take care of the household, devoting too much time to herself instead of taking care of the house and children, then the irritation becomes even stronger. It also happens the other way around - mom is forced to work “3 shifts,” and dad lies all day on the sofa watching TV or under the car in the garage.
Jealousy . It can happen for no reason, simply because dad is afraid of losing mom (or vice versa).

Say it differently

Watching people, I am surprised: they want to get different results when performing the same action. For example, a person said something, but did not receive the desired reaction. He repeats the same thing, but louder. It doesn't work again.

For the third time he screams. As if the louder, the clearer. Perhaps, if there was no effect the first time, it is worth reformulating the message? Draw a diagram, show a video, find a ready-made example?

How to learn to reformulate? And you already know how. Let's make sure of this.

Imagine that you need to tell a group of children in kindergarten the fairy tale “Turnip”, and in such a way that it will be remembered for a lifetime. What does that require? Repeat the text a hundred times? I'm afraid the children will hate the fairy tale. This happens with some knowledge that is given at school - the teacher simply repeats the same thing a hundred times, but there is no effect.

Let's try it differently:

You can read the story.
Draw a comic.
Put on a performance.
Make a model from plasticine.
Make a cartoon.
Watch the cartoon.
Put on an opera.
Conduct an experiment by actually planting a turnip.

Do you think that in this case the children would remember the fairy tale? 100%!

Homework. Take any topic that is difficult for you to explain to your parents: why snowboarding is better than alpine skiing; what's good about rap; why YouTube is a window to the world. Now present it to your parents in five different ways to get your point across.

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Also, the causes of quarrels are often...

Mutual grievances.
Constant control and surveillance of one parent after another.
Lack of romance, tenderness and care for each other in the relationship between parents (when love leaves the relationship and only habits remain).
Lack of money in the family budget.

In fact, there are thousands of reasons for quarrels. It’s just that some people successfully avoid problems, preferring not to let “everyday life” into the relationship, while others find a solution to the problem only in the process of a quarrel.

Parents separated

It’s good when quarrels between parents subside as problems are resolved. Another job has been found, the family's income has increased, father and mother have sorted out household responsibilities (maybe not without your help), peace and quiet and God's grace are again in the family. But this doesn't always happen. Arguing can be a way of life for hot-tempered parents. Then you will have to come to terms with the fact that you will be periodically “stormed”. The outcome may be unfavorable - the father and mother decide to separate. Yes, this can happen for many reasons - love leaves, you have to experience unpleasant events that destroy relationships, disagreements appear that make further marital relationships impossible.

Life is truly a very complicated thing.

If this happens, immediately give up any illusions that the main people in your life will be together again. Surely the father and mother will begin to build new relationships with other partners. How to survive your parents' divorce? It's hard for you to accept. Talk about the problem with a psychologist - there is probably such a specialist at your school. A conversation is needed so that mental trauma does not affect you and destroy your future.

What should a child do?

First of all, do not get into trouble . Even the most loving parent “in a state of passion” can say too much. It’s better not to get involved in your parents’ scandal, but to retire to your room.
It is absolutely not necessary to listen to every word of the parents - it is better to put on headphones and try to distract yourself from the situation, which the child still cannot change directly during a quarrel. Minding your own business and, as far as possible, distracting yourself from the parental quarrel is the best thing a child can do at this moment.
Maintain neutrality. You can’t take mom or dad’s side just because they had a fight. Unless we are talking about serious cases when mom needs help because dad raised his hand to her. In cases of ordinary everyday quarrels, you should not take someone else’s position - this will only further ruin the relationship between the parents.
Talk . Not right away - only when the parents cool down and are able to adequately listen to their child and each other. If such a moment has come, then you need to explain to your parents in an adult way that you love them very much, but listening to them quarrel is unbearable. That the child is scared and hurt during their quarrels.
Support parents. Maybe they need help? Maybe mom is really tired and doesn’t have time to do anything, and it’s time to start helping her? Or tell your dad how much you appreciate him and his efforts at work to provide for you.
Seek support. If the situation is very difficult, quarrels are accompanied by drinking alcohol and lead to fights, then you should call relatives - grandparents or aunts and uncles, whom the child knows well and trusts. You can also share the problem with your class teacher, with neighbors whom the child trusts, with a child psychologist - and even with the police, if the situation requires it.
If the situation is absolutely critical and threatens the life and health of the mother - or the child himself , then you can call the all-Russian helpline for children 8-800-2000-122 .

Legal protection from domestic violence - what to do in such situations?

I-messages

The “I-formula” helps to avoid conflict and offensive situations. This is a simple algorithm for expressing emotions that helps you and your opponent understand what is happening and what to do next. It consists of three parts:

I feel... Because... I would like...

For example: “When you say that, I feel hurt (anger, anger), and it really hurts me. Because you are a person close to me and your opinion is important to me. I would like you to say the same thing, but in different words.”

By the way, if a random person says something unpleasant , the formula can also be applied: “When you say that, I only feel boredom and indifference. Because I have my own opinion and I don’t care about yours. I would like you to try to increase your self-esteem at the expense of someone else.”

Homework. Now try an experiment: in conversations with your parents 2-3 times a day, say that you understand their good intentions and realize that they care about you: “Mom, thank you for preparing my favorite buns,” “It’s good that you listened to me - I feel better and now it’s clearer what to do.”

It would be great if parents started doing the same. If you manage to explain everything to them and introduce the “I-formula” into a habit, the situation at home will noticeably improve.

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What your child should absolutely not do:

Getting between parents in the midst of a scandal.
Thinking that you are the cause of the quarrel, or that your parents don’t love you. Their relationship to each other is their relationship. They do not relate to their relationship with the child.
Trying to harm yourself in order to reconcile your parents and attract their attention. It will not be possible to reconcile parents with such a harsh method (statistics show that when a child suffering from quarrels between parents deliberately harms himself, the parents get divorced in most cases), but the harm done to himself can have serious consequences for the life of the child himself.
Run away from home. Such an escape can also end very badly, but it will not bring the desired result. The maximum that a child who cannot bear to be at home can do is call his relatives so that they can take him away for a while until the parents make peace.
Threaten your parents that you will harm yourself or run away from home . This also makes no sense, because if it comes to such threats, it means that the parents’ relationship can no longer be restored, and to keep them with threats means to aggravate the situation even more.

Of course, you shouldn’t tell everyone about the problems in the house between your parents , if these quarrels are temporary and concern only everyday trifles, if the quarrels quickly subside, and the parents really love each other and their child, and sometimes they just get so tired that it results in quarrels.

After all, if a mother yells at a child, this does not mean that she does not love him or wants to kick him out of the house. It’s the same with parents - they may shout at each other, but this does not mean at all that they are ready to break up or fight.

The thing is that a call to a teacher, psychologist, helpline or police can have very serious consequences for the parents and the child himself: the child can be taken to an orphanage, and the parents can be deprived of parental rights. Therefore, you should call serious authorities only if the situation really threatens the health and life of the mother or the child himself .

And if you are simply worried and scared about your parents’ marriage, then it is better to share the problem with those who can influence the parents without the involvement of the police and child care services in the problem - for example, with grandparents, with the best friends of mom and dad, and others close to the child people.

Imperfect Ideal

If you have a prosperous family, then, of course, you love both mom and dad equally - they are your ideal man and woman. But you are biased because of your love. Like other people, they have shortcomings and go through difficult periods in their lives. What can parents fight about? There are quite a lot of reasons:

Financial difficulties.
Trouble at work.
Mom and dad see the situation differently, etc.

You can find out why the world left your family on your own. You don't even have to pester your parents with questions. A diary will help. Every time your parents start arguing, write down the reason. This will be useful to you, firstly, to understand what is happening, and secondly, to try to help them. How can you help? Very simple. For example, mother and father are too busy at work and there is no one to clean the floors. Surely you have more free time than they do. Why don't you take on some of their responsibilities by giving up the computer game? Surely you can look after your younger brother or sister, wash the dishes, wipe the dust, vacuum.

Even people who love each other sometimes fight.

How to make sure that parents never quarrel or fight?

Every child feels defenseless, abandoned and helpless when parents quarrel. And the child always finds himself between two fires, because it is impossible to choose someone’s side when you love both parents.

In a global sense, a child, of course, will not be able to change the situation, because even a common child cannot make two adults love each other again if they decide to separate. But if the situation has not yet reached such a stage, and parents’ quarrels are only a temporary phenomenon, then you can help them get closer.

You are trying to assert yourself

“The process of growing up is about forming our own identity and determining in what ways we want to be like our parents and in what ways we want to be different from them,” Zelechoski says.

Nobody wants to be an exact copy of their parents. Even if you idolized them as a child, over time you begin to strive for independence and realize that they are not always right.

Physiological factors also play a role. Zelechoski notes that hormonal changes can trigger mood swings, and the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for making decisions and controlling emotions, doesn't fully develop until age 25.

“At a young age, it is very important to find a balance in your relationship with your parents,” says Jacob Goldsmith of Northwestern University in Chicago, “learning to be both yourself and part of the family.”

How to prevent breakdowns (and recover from them)

Conflicts happen, but they don’t always end with a loud slamming of the door, an angry pressing of the “end call” button, or just an angry exclamation of “Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly4earll44l9l99999999999999ears have have. Here are some ways to help keep yourself in control when a fight seems inevitable.

Be carefull. “Monitor your body and pay attention to what triggers you,” says Zelechoski. Perhaps you grind your teeth or clench your fists? Things like this should be your signal to relax.

Talk about your feelings. If you're still angry at your parents for something that happened years ago, maybe it's time to talk about it? “We must talk openly about the past and related experiences in order to build healthy relationships in the present,” Goldsmith believes. “Sometimes a difficult conversation is just necessary.”

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by emotion, say something like, “I know you're just trying to help. I need a few minutes to calm down and then we can continue.”

According to Zelechoski, when we leave during an argument, it is often perceived as disrespect, but in reality the person just wants to be alone. Instead of slamming the door, hanging up or yelling, it's better to say: “Let's come back to this conversation a little later. I feel like I'm losing my temper." It is very important to say this before you leave.

Analyze your behavior and its reasons. Zelechoski advises to analyze each moment of the conflict and try to understand your goal: were you trying to convey something to the other person or were you just yelling at him so that he would understand how unhappy you are? If you identify why you snapped, you can respond differently next time.

“Become an emotional detective. Find out what was behind the outburst of emotion,” Zelechoski says. When do you usually lose your temper? When you are asked to do something over and over again? Or when you are asked personal questions?

Don't isolate yourself. It is quite natural that if you relapse, you feel shame and guilt. According to Zelechoski, these feelings should not be suppressed. Families often pretend that nothing happened, but this does not help avoid conflicts in the future. Try to discuss the problem later.

All these tips also apply to parents. But you cannot be responsible for them. You can only work on yourself.

Pressure on rationalism and logic

So, you know how to reconcile parents using creative and emotional methods. True, if you are no longer a child, the first two methods may not work. But there will be logical arguments and a search for compromise. If parents are quarreling or not talking, then there was a reason. First of all, you need to find out and analyze it, carefully listening to each side - the versions will probably be different. No matter how old you are, you have a chance to become an objective “judge,” if only because your parents are full of negative emotions and are unlikely to be able to reason sensibly and calmly when it comes to quarrels and the other half.

After this, you need to show the situation from the outside to both sides of the conflict. The main thing is that the quarrel is not as serious as, for example, betrayal - here not every woman will forgive her loved one. When adults understand that even a child understands the issue better than they do, common sense or conscience may awaken in them.

You can cheat a little: tell mom that dad wants to make peace with her, but doesn’t know how to do it, and then do the same trick with dad. As a result, the parents will think that the other person is looking for ways to restore the relationship, and they themselves will meet each other halfway. When thinking about divorce, it is quite possible to remind adults about red tape with papers, division of property and children, subsequent loneliness, etc.

Your family members are toxic people

Don't dismiss the possibility that your anger is a completely justified reaction to your parents' behavior. Even if you used to get along great, it's worth reconsidering what you think is "acceptable" behavior from time to time.

“Anger may indicate an attempt to set boundaries,” Goldsmith explains. “In that case, you need to try to transform it into persistence.”

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13 typical phrases from toxic parents: what they really mean and how to respond to them correctly

How to establish trust?

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This is not always possible. Trust is created when both parties are willing to communicate openly.

If, for example, it is not customary in the family to talk about feelings (“Well, what kind of snot started?”), experiences (“Are you afraid? How old are you?”) or some weaknesses (“Are you acting like a rag?” ?) - then building a trusting relationship will be very difficult, almost impossible. Trusting relationships involve openness, a sense of security and acceptance of the other person. Understanding is necessary: if I talk about this, I will not be punished or rejected, but they will hear and take seriously what I say.

How emotions affect immunity

Hormones such as serotonin, dopamine, melatonin, endorphin, which are responsible for mood, performance, and the desire to achieve goals, are directly related to the regulation of the immune system. If an imbalance or deficiency of these substances appears, the hormones of fear and anger begin to predominate in the body. Then the functioning of the immune system, which protects the body from infectious, inflammatory, autoimmune and oncological diseases, is disrupted. But, of course, a physical factor cannot be ruled out. For example, bronchial asthma. This is still an infectious-inflammatory disease where there is an allergen. And if a child is in an environment where this substance is more than normal, then in this case the physical factor is also present.

Preventing Divorce

As you know, any disease must be fought in the bud. In our case, it is the increasing frequency of scandals. Of course, quarrels, including regular ones, are not a 100% guarantee of impending collapse. Moreover, some couples keep the flame in their relationship alive in such a strange way. But it’s better to protect yourself and not let negative emotions and anger break your parents and deprive them of their former warm feelings.

If possible, try to involve both ancestors in your entertainment: walking together, going to the store or cinema, watching movies at home, a variety of verbal, board, card and many other games. Also, if possible, help your mother or father around the house, as sometimes scandals arise out of nowhere, for example, when both parties cannot decide who washes the dishes or takes out the trash. It’s not difficult for you to do both the first and the second, but you won’t have to think about how to reconcile your parents, because there won’t be any quarrels. It is also advisable to introduce and start some family traditions - they also unite mothers, fathers and their children.