Who is this grouch? Why is grumbling annoying? Why do you even want to grumble? All these questions can be answered by anyone who analyzes their surroundings and finds in them a person who is always dissatisfied with everything, and who himself is far from the most successful person. A grump will always find a reason to reprimand a colleague, a family member, even a neighbor and a boy in the grocery line. A grouch will highlight the shortcomings of others in order to highlight his own strengths. Is this a familiar picture?
How difficult it is for spouses if one of them is a grouch. How many conflicts such people have with their own children... And it’s more difficult for them than anyone, because they sincerely consider themselves right, and the whole world around them is idiots.
Bouts of grumbling most often occur at the most crucial moments: when guests arrive, when a classmate arrives for the first time in ten years. When you really want to play the role of a good housewife and a happy wife, your husband will definitely come up with a way to screw things up. It's a shame. On the one hand, he is right, because he makes truthful comments, but on the other hand, is this really necessary, especially as “work for the public”?
Type Palette
Regidno-aggressive bore - has an epileptoid character, prone to stubbornness and self-centeredness. He gets his way no matter what. They say about such people - “it’s easier to give in to him than to explain that you don’t want to.”
A typical situation: he is eager to watch football, talks about the new team, about the Champions League, does not let go of the remote control... and does not hear your request to let you watch the series.
Positive qualities: his determination, it gives him an additional chance for rapid career growth. Be patient for a couple of years, and your husband, having climbed the corporate ladder, will be able to buy you a fur coat or pamper you with another expensive gift. Besides, straightforwardness is not so bad in family life. At any moment you know what your husband wants.
How to live with him? It is better for such a person to give up immediately or hit him on the head with something heavy. Or you can turn his attention to himself: “Why don’t you...” Perhaps such a castling will force him to change his goal. You can offer barter - I will give in to you, but you will do this and that. Sometimes the prospect of washing a mountain of dishes or taking your mother-in-law to the dacha stops even bores.
Bore melancholic - has a psychoasthenic character. At the heart of his tediousness is anxiety. He unconsciously demands attention to himself, wants to be reassured. But it is impossible to calm him down with real arguments.
Typical situation: you are going on vacation, there are four hours before the train departs. Considering that it takes you half an hour to get to the station and all your suitcases are at the door, you still have time to take a shower, drink tea and have a final chat with your friend. But will your boring husband let you do this? Since the morning he has been hovering around the collected things, forcing us to unpack and repack our suitcases. “Did you take my razor? Please check”, “What about the medicine for motion sickness? Look..." And now he just pushes you out the door. “It’s difficult to get a taxi in our area...”, “There may be traffic jams in the center...”, “What if the car breaks down on the road?”
Positive qualities: he will never prove something to you by force; it’s easier for him to whine in your ear for an hour or two. And, most importantly, he is a faithful person. He has so many worries and worries with you that he can’t even think about having an affair on the side. If any woman decides to flirt with him, he simply will not notice it.
How to live with him? Humor is the best cure for anxiety. Laugh at his fears. But not over himself! Melancholic people are very vulnerable people.
A hidden bore is a closed person who does not know how to express a problem directly. The basis of his tediousness is dissatisfaction with his wife, the situation at work, the weather or politics. And the first person he comes across, most often his wife, becomes a scapegoat. Internal dissatisfaction is expressed in endless nagging.
Typical situation: have you noticed that you often leave cups of unfinished tea all over your apartment? "When it was?" – you ask in bewilderment. “The day before yesterday, on the coffee table, and, by the way, there were traces of polishing,” the boring husband will clarify.
Positive qualities: this person is attentive to detail, and not only your shortcomings, but also your preferences and desires do not escape his attention. Did you mention that you love cornflowers and daisies? For your birthday, he will definitely give you a bouquet of wildflowers.
How to live with him? First of all, understand what he is really dissatisfied with. If he is unhappy that you are paying little attention to him, take note of this. If the reason for his suffering is the weather or politics, scold the government with him - let him let off some steam - or reassure him with a favorable forecast for the weekend. At least, at least for a while, the nagging over the smallest reasons will stop.
Let's look into the soul of a grumbler
No, it’s not even complexes and dissatisfaction. There is black, bad envy there. A painful feeling that can drive a person to the point of losing his mind if given free rein. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to be a degraded person, a loser or a chronic unemployed. Grumpiness is a state of mind.
A grumpy person can be a very successful person in terms of career and financial status; he can be a very talented specialist in a creative profession or a professional in his field. But his character leaves much to be desired, since all his communication with close people and friends comes down to the desire to humiliate, make comments on his appearance, behavior, manner of speaking, etc.
If you look even deeper into the state of mind of the grumbler, then this will become clear. No one else has ever managed to achieve absolutely everything they would like and dream about. Behind external signs of success there may be a deep feeling of inferiority and dissatisfaction. I wanted to become a businessman, but I became the head of a training center; I wanted to give birth to a boy, but I ended up with two daughters; I wanted to earn money for an apartment, but I had to suffer through the construction of a house on the site. Those. It is simply impossible to go through life following the planned route! You need to learn to choose the most important thing: if you wanted your own home, you got it; I wanted to start a family and children - it worked out; I wanted a career - I succeeded. But this side of the coin is not considered by the grouch...
And, like a snowball, dissatisfaction with oneself (more precisely, the inability to be satisfied with oneself) begins to express itself in pulling others down. It seems that my friend’s wife is much slimmer, but he is not so lucky with his plump figure; it seems that his children do not appreciate their father and do not know how to be grateful; it seems that his subordinates would treat him with more respect if he were taller or a technician by profession. There will be a reason.
Grumbling and nagging invariably lead to irritability and quarrels. Some everyday little things can drive a grouch into a rage: loud music in a child’s room is a sign of wind in the head and a lack of regard for studying; washing curtains on a weekend is a sign of mismanagement and inability to spend weekends with family.
He's boring, you...
…phlegmatic person. Your couple is lucky. You know how to abstract yourself and not react to everyday negativity. But the danger lies in the fact that the lack of reaction can cause even greater aggression in an aggressive bore and even greater despair in a melancholic person. Sometimes pay attention to your husband or at least pretend that you are concerned about his problems.
...sanguine. You will look for compromises with the same persistence with which your husband pesters you. The process can drag on for a long time, and the outcome will depend on who is more stubborn. But your marriage will be long in any case.
...choleric. You explode immediately. This is for the best. A violent reaction can frighten a bore, and he will forget about his claims for a while, consoling you. Letting off steam is a good way out of a conflict, but don’t forget that the reason remains.
...melancholic. It will be difficult for you. To an aggressive person you are ready to surrender immediately. With a secretive one, you will fall into despair from your imperfection. And a melancholic bore will infect you with his anxiety. Only a sense of humor will save you.
Rigid-aggressive type
An aggressive man is a bore. These are not just bores, but real despots. Their tediousness lies in the fact that they find special pleasure in humiliating their life partner.
At the same time, they firmly believe that their endless lectures and reproaches will only benefit their beloved. But for a woman with self-respect, these teachings are more likely to infuriate than to be useful.
In defense of this type of bore, we can only say that they are goal-oriented people, and therefore achieve a lot in life. This means they can bring a lot to their family. True, money can also be squeezed. For example, “for educational” purposes.
What's it like to live next to a grump?
Now let’s analyze the characters of people who live with bores, endure their endless humiliating nagging and find endless excuses for them. Such people are simply afraid of loneliness to such an extent that they are ready to endure anything so as not to have a scandal and break up. Or such people are too dependent on the bore that they agree to remain silent so as not to be left alone and without content. This option is much worse, of course.
Another category of people is distinguished by their temper and aggressiveness, so they do not perceive a grouch as something abnormal, but quarrel with him every day, considering this the norm of life. Children who observe constant scandals acquire extremes in their psyche: either they become phlegmatic and autistic; or they follow in the footsteps of their parents and achieve everything through scandals.
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He had not yet crossed the threshold of the house, but he had already shown himself with all his might: “What’s burnt?”, “Are you leaving the light in the bathroom again?”, “The kettle is empty again.”
After such “remarks” you just want to arm yourself with something heavy... But stop, stop. Let’s not break anything, let’s better understand what is actually happening? What happens is that we are dealing with the most classic bore.
And such a grumbler can poison the life of anyone. Those who are in close contact with a grouch and do not know how to protect themselves especially suffer from boring ardor. What to do?
Admitting to being a bore is difficult and unpleasant, and therefore people usually justify their behavior like this: “I like it when everything is in its place. And I love ironed socks too. What’s wrong?”, “I myself do everything efficiently, and therefore you need to listen to me and obey me,” “When preparing the festive table at work, I was called a pedant.
For what? For forcing everyone to carefully spread the butter onto the bread, and not throw it at random? I love aesthetics, what’s wrong with that?”, “My child should live in safety. So what if I demand maximum observation of him from everyone? Yes, even a three year old can fall. He needs to be caught. Why the bruises? First, let's figure out where tediousness comes from?
Character traits
There is a type of people who are boring almost from early childhood. Such people are characterized by increased anxiety and distrust of others. As children, they criticize all teachers who do not want to understand the younger generation and their environment: “Everyone is morons, I’m the only normal one.”
As they grow up, they learn to grumble about improperly placed dishes, irrational use of space in the closet, incorrect management policies... At the same time, they constantly assert that “you can’t trust anyone, you have to do everything yourself. If only they would let me into the government, I would do this, I would do that.” In fact, such people need support and reassurance. Below you will find out how to ensure this.
Occupational deformation
If you are a bore - a specialist in standardization and certification, talk about how everyone around you is a liar, the sausage contains only soy and a flavor enhancer, cane sugar is not on sale - this is ordinary tinted sugar, you are guaranteed. If he is an occupational health and safety expert, it is likely that you will often listen to: “Are you watching the chicken?”, “Did we burn something?”, “Don’t hunch over, your posture is getting worse,” “What are you doing?” Don’t you know that burn blisters cannot be pierced?”, “You shouldn’t hang a picture over your bed, it might fall at night.”
The problem of a person with professional deformation is that he cannot relax after work and has difficulty switching to home mode.
Physiology of age
After 25 years, the growth and development of nerve fibers stops, and therefore the activity of excitation and inhibition processes decreases.
As a result, a cheerful and sociable person can eventually become a gloomy and boring moralist.
Intellectual level
A number of psychologists also claim that in some people the degree of tediousness is inversely proportional to their intelligence. Therefore, if you are dating a man and notice that he scolds everyone like a pensioner on a bench, swearing at everyone passing by while driving, answer yourself the question: is this person exactly your level?
The adjustment stage in family life
You have been together long enough, and your partner is no longer touched by your habit of yawning loudly, so he makes comments to you with all his might. And you are tired of listening to his constant slamming of doors and shuffling gait. And you forgot that he is a good lover, an excellent provider. This is what it is, the human property of the psyche - to perceive good as the norm, and bad as something catastrophic.
Way to attract attention
Many people not only pester you for any reason, but also behave aggressively - they humiliate you, pointing out shortcomings. This is due to psychological infantilism, when there was a strong desire for attention in childhood and the child did not receive it. All kids eventually understand: “The louder I scream, the faster they will come to me.”
That’s why little ones cry, are capricious, beg for toys, teenagers scream and get hysterical, and adults grumble and whine. It can even be difficult for them to express their positive emotions, as they are so quickly replaced by negative ones. Secretiveness and inability to respond to stress On particularly unlucky days, problems grow like a snowball.
A fine for illegal parking, incorrectly executed documents, cargo detained at customs, piled-up reports - how to deal with all this at once? No way. That is why the snowball breaks out on completely innocent people. Now let's find out how to build relationships with bores, based on the above reasons.
Let's start with the simplest. The exact wording of the request/request
It has been said more than once that male thinking requires precision in the delivery of instructions. Not all men have such developed intuition, and not everyone will speculate: “What did she really want?” Therefore, if you need to know, for example, the weather, you should not ask: “How many degrees is it outside?” - he can answer: “I didn’t look.” Ask to take a better look at the thermometer or turn on the TV weather channel.
Emphasis on the positives
Before you get offended by a non-aggressive bore, pay attention: he is telling the truth. Leaving the lights on when you leave is not only wasteful, but also unsafe. If he asks you not to leave washed clothes in the washing machine every day, this does not mean that he wants to be harmful. Indeed, heavy laundry causes the drum to sag. Sometimes it takes years to learn to gratefully accept comments on the case.
Attention
If your man demands attention, like a small child (boisters, capricious), you should think: maybe he really doesn’t have enough affection, care and participation? Maybe you and your partner have been living automatically for a long time, in a union where everyone is busy with themselves?
For an intimate conversation, you should choose not your apartment, but, for example, a walk in the fresh air, a pleasant cafe. Invite him and in a calm atmosphere tell him that now you see a lot of irritability and little love. Reassure that your love has not gone anywhere, it is hidden and waiting for everything to change for the better.
Fighting Stealth
If you don’t teach the man you love to share his problems with you, he will lose his temper. Even if you are not interested in how he is doing at work, in the garage, with friends, ask, get over yourself. Let him complain (this is normal and necessary!), let him defend himself, let him find solutions together with you.
Always be on the side of your half, even if the whole world turns its back on it.
Transformation of aggression and coping with stress
If your bore is also an aggressor, this cannot be tolerated in any way. But in short, it is important to explain to the aggressive bore that such behavior is unacceptable, his comments are offensive and unpleasant to others, in particular to you. And after such words you don’t want to do anything for him. A good option in response to aggression: “I will not communicate in such a tone. We’ll continue when you’ve cooled down.”
One of my clients hung up several reminder papers for her boring husband with the following phrases: “Goodness lives here,” “In our family, swearing is prohibited,” “Fight at work.” She says he took it calmly, he knows his bellicose character no worse than she does, and began to control himself. What about stress?
Discuss the possibility of removing it without bloodshed. For example, through evening walks together, massage, exercise, board games, vacation planning, and the like.
