My mother insults me all the time. My self-esteem has turned into a sieve...

Scenarios

Children raised by parents of the second category can often observe their mother's tears, as well as hear complaints and reproaches.
Let's look at a few scenarios that such people follow. One of the most common is “Victim of Circumstances.” From childhood, a child is told what sacrifices a single mother had to make in order to raise her son or daughter, how many sleepless nights she spent at the bedside of her often ill child, how hard it was without money, how difficult it is now and there is nothing left ahead.

Parents can do this unconsciously, pursuing a good goal - to develop great love, gratitude, simply by simply sharing their thoughts and experiences, but in fact, even in an adult after all this, only that same feeling and thoughts about a debt that cannot be returned no matter how hard you try .

Sometimes “victims of circumstances” try to hide the manipulation, reminding them that none of this matters. The mother loves the child and does not blame him for anything: “When I was your age, I sat with the baby, you screamed, and I wrote my diploma with my other hand, but that’s okay. Go hang out with your friends. I’m just droning on like an old lady.”

There are “ideal” people, in their opinion, not just parents, but ideal people in general. Such people believe that they are competent in everything and always. They know what to do, when, where, with whom, how much time, and so on.

They can constantly control and reproach the child, instill in him a feeling of inferiority: “I’m always wrong,” “I’m to blame,” “I’m doing something wrong.” A child, and then an adult, strives to live up to such ideal parents, but he simply cannot do this, since he is a priori guilty. He did not live up to some expectations that he most likely did not even suspect.

There are also manipulative jokers who humorously mock a child who does not understand irony at all: “I’m crying not because I stepped on a nail, but because you upset me again.”

Sometimes parents share information that is completely inappropriate for a young child's ears. For example, if they didn’t plan to have a child at all or wanted a girl/boy, but it didn’t work out. In this case, children will naturally experience feelings of guilt, shame and remain dissatisfied with themselves.

“I look like my mother!”

What frightens Sasha most is that in her relationship with her children she sometimes repeats the behavior of her mother. She is trying to work through this problem with a psychotherapist. In general, the fear of becoming like your mother to a certain extent is absolutely normal, says Zaikin: “This is the first stage of gaining independence and individuality. Teenage girls often deliberately try to differ from their mother in appearance, choosing brighter clothes or bolder hairstyles.” But in a healthy relationship, the obsessive desire to be different from your mother should subside over time.

Usually daughters are afraid to start copying those features of their mother’s behavior that give them the most unpleasant emotions. Although, according to Bogomolov, they may be more likely to manifest themselves: “Girls learn certain styles of thinking, ways of explaining reality and managing their emotions from their parents.” This can often affect their future life. Let's say a woman can learn from her mother to be paranoid about not trusting people or to shift responsibility for her misdeeds onto another person. “The eureka moment came when I was dating a man who was pathologically similar to my mother. I constantly tried to earn his trust and made excuses,” says Olya. In this relationship, she had no say and was constantly faced with prohibitions - just like in childhood.

True, the good news is that people have different abilities to recover in case of trouble and react to dysfunctional relationships in the family, says Viktor Bogomolov. So many can be completely resistant to the moral trauma inflicted by their mother and successfully build their lives further.

Often, wanting to leave the traumatic experience behind, women decide to completely stop communicating with their mother. However, according to psychologists, such an act does not always help overcome trauma. Having realized that the relationship with your mother will never be ideal, you should first determine your own boundaries, and then try to maintain contact with her within reasonable limits. Firstly, it is worth accepting that a mother is also a living person who can make mistakes, and abandon the idealized image, says Daria Grosheva. And secondly, keep in mind that mature adults can change only if they themselves want to work on relationships. Otherwise, you should learn to value and protect your autonomy and prevent your mother from trying to influence your life despite your desire to follow her lead.

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Isn't your husband setting you up?

Have you noticed that your mom has started to annoy you lately? Think about whether your significant other is setting you up against the dearest woman in the world? Many men do not like their mothers-in-law, so they turn their wives against their mothers and thus alienate the older generation. If you notice that your husband criticizes your mother from time to time or makes jokes about her, stop such conversation. Say that it’s unpleasant for you to listen to nasty things about the woman you love, who gave birth to you and raised you.

What psychologists say

A mother must fulfill her parental function: love, care, protect. But sometimes a woman begins to make excessive demands on the child and control his life, which will inevitably lead to problems in the relationship. Children often hear the following phrases:

“Everyone has normal children, but you...”
“You can’t do anything.”
"You won't succeed."
“You won’t achieve anything without me,” etc.

The result of such statements is the same: the child believes the person closest to him. If mom says he's a loser, that means he is. A person carries the habit of winning respect and love into adulthood. A person tries to prove that he deserves a good attitude, adapts to others, and neglects his own desires.

Mom and adult child - conflict under one roof

There are often cases of problematic relationships where adult children and their mothers play the main roles. It doesn’t matter the age of the child, he himself can be a parent, but the mother continues to swear, harass, and manipulate. There are only two options here.

The first is finding a compromise, patience, calm arguments.
The second is to follow your own path in life, separate from your tyrannical parent, and acquire your own, albeit rented, housing.

Yes, not everyone has the opportunity to do this, since there is a certain dependence on their ancestors: financial, looking after grandchildren, health problems, reluctance to grow up, etc. Well, we will have to return to the first option - compromises, patience, arguments.

"I know what's best"

Devaluation is often accompanied by unhealthy control over a girl's life. This often happens because the mother does not understand that at some point the daughter must become independent and fend for herself. “Many mothers are trying to stop the inevitable separation of the child. This situation becomes especially painful if the mother unconsciously wants to make her daughter an ideal person,” says Victor Zaikin.

Lena's main problems with her mother began at the age of seventeen. She didn't eat meat, didn't believe in God, and didn't plan to get married anytime soon. “Then they began to force-feed me and take me to the mosque under the threat of house arrest, so that I would understand that I was obliged to maintain my virginity until marriage and would soon find a husband. They even performed some strange rituals on me to drive out demons,” says Lena. Then she fell in love with a classmate, and her mother reacted very badly to it. She took Lena’s phone away, put her under house arrest and forbade her to go outside. “This was justified allegedly by the fact that I need to prepare for the Unified State Exam, and not think about boys,” explains the girl. Fortunately, she actually managed to enter a prestigious university and leave, reducing communication with her mother to a minimum. “I very rarely go home, and by phone I only report some domestic incidents. As soon as I start talking about something personal, a scandal happens, and my mother uses this information to manipulate me,” says Lena.

Mom entered Masha’s room at any time, without knocking or asking permission. “You don’t have anything of your own and you can’t have anything,” she answered her indignation. Sometimes the mother would open the bathroom door with a knife when Masha closed to wash herself. “You’re so helpless and you can’t handle this on your own,” mothers who are control freaks usually explain their behavior. Thus, the mother can control every step of her daughter: decide what she should wear, how to behave, where to study and work, who to meet, what time to return home and exactly how to arrange things in the closet.

Can a child be removed from the family if his parents scold him in a raised voice?

A child can be taken away if there is an immediate threat to his life or health - this is the norm in Article 77 of the Family Code. The article does not explain what exactly is considered an immediate threat, that is, this decision remains at the discretion of the guardianship authorities.

In addition, the police can pick up a child if he is found to be neglected. Sometimes the police believe that a child is neglected even when the parents are nearby - if, in the opinion of the police, the parents are not able to supervise the child.

If a child is taken away, the guardianship authorities are required to draw up an act and, within a few days, notify the prosecutor's office and submit to the court an application for deprivation or restriction of parental rights.

If a “neglected” child is removed, then it is not necessary to demand deprivation of parental rights: when the police find the parents (or the ability to look after the child returns to the existing ones), the child returns to the family.

The likelihood of seizure without serious grounds is very low. But it exists, because there are no clear rules for removal, and guardianship officers may make the wrong decision.

"You do not love me"

Zhenya cries very rarely, but her mother consistently manages to unbalance her. She has already learned to react calmly to comments about excess weight, but not to ultimatums and tears. “Food is more valuable to you than your mother. You would know what it cost me to give birth to you!”, “You can’t refuse sweets because you don’t love me,” these are the accusations against her. As a child, she secretly bought chocolates and threw candy wrappers under the bed to avoid scandal.

In this case, manipulation is associated with the desire to build the life of your child in accordance with your own ideas. In Zhenya’s case, the mother uses guilt to maintain control over her daughter. Reluctance to obey the mother is interpreted as indifference and inhumanity. In addition to speculating about her daughter’s tender feelings, she also frightens her with hardly realistic developments of events and dangers: “You will never get married,” “Your friends communicate with you only to look better compared to you,” “I never thought that my my daughter will look like this.”

“When I was at school, my mother liked my classmate - such a star, smart and beautiful. Mom started comparing me to her at every step,” says Lena. Sometimes her mother criticized her facial features, comparing her with this classmate, of course, not in favor of her daughter. “For me, this girl has become a real idol. I became friends with her and tried to be like her in everything. I suffered a lot because I’m not her, and I can’t please my mother to the same extent.” Since then, Lena has become insecure, and in her youth she hated herself so much that she even thought about suicide.

What to do if my mother constantly yells at me over trifles - advice from a psychologist

A short preface. In my distant youth, while receiving my first education, I did an internship in a kindergarten. The nuances were erased from memory, but one moment was clearly imprinted. The mother brings her son and kindly advises: “Don’t babysit him, this one (here a savory swearing epithet addressed to a five-year-old) doesn’t understand well. If anything happens, yell or smack harder!” And she reinforced what she said with a poke. I, a seventeen-year-old girl, fell into a stupor; I thought the baby would shrink and get scared. No, I took it as the norm. Because for him this was the norm - the closest person brings up swear words. By the way, the boy understood perfectly well without strong words, slaps or threats. Later, while studying developmental psychology, I analyzed that case. The boy mentioned and kids like him are psychologically flexible. And the fact that mothers constantly scream does not turn them into downtrodden creatures. Of course, this style of upbringing affects the worldview, socialization, and the ability to quickly adapt, but a naturally strong psyche serves as a powerful airbag.

Mom is annoying for no reason: what's wrong?

But it’s one thing when a daughter understands perfectly why her mother is annoying and what kind of differences in views, life goals and characters lead to conflicts. And another thing is when, formally, the mother does not do anything wrong and does not even resort to psychological manipulation - but there is a feeling of irritation with her, and constantly! A special problem in this situation is that the woman begins to blame herself for her negative feelings and suffer from the fact that she is a bad and very wrong daughter...

In fact, we need to look at this situation not with the question “what’s wrong with me?” or “what’s wrong with my mother”? Neither you nor she are bad, neither of you can be called a “wrong” daughter or mother. The point is that you are different!

Perhaps you are freaking out about the shuffling of your mother’s slippers around the apartment, not because your parent is a harmful and “toxic” person, but simply because you would like to live on your own and not hear any shuffling of anyone’s slippers! Or live separately with your husband and hear only male footsteps in your apartment.

In addition, keep in mind that no matter how good your mother is, you have to “keep face” to a certain extent the entire time you are in her tracking zone. You automatically put on a routine smile on your face ten times a day for the sake of your mother, in order to avoid the questions “oh, why are you so sad and silent, what happened?” Of course you talk to her. You have to explain some of your actions (not because your mother is against it, but because you can’t remain silent if you are in the midst of preparing dinner, and she comes into the kitchen and asks “oh, what are you cooking here?”) . All these moments are an inevitable expenditure of “emotional energy”. Even if no one quarrels with anyone, for many people it is everyday communication that takes away a lot of this emotional energy, and it is not limitless for all of us! As a result, a feeling of fatigue and emotional exhaustion arises out of nowhere. Your relationship with your mother may be good, but you no longer have enough enthusiasm for deep, productive communication with other people who are no less important to you (husband, friends, etc.). Hence, irritation is quite natural.

Causes

You may already be familiar with the phrase “mom calls me names and screams,” but have you ever wondered why this happens?

Manifestation of fatigue. This can be both a consequence of mental and physical stress. A woman begins to scream when the child does not obey or acts out of spite.
Feeling guilty before the baby or husband. A woman may be angry with herself for not keeping track, but the baby went in the wrong place and something happened to him. Often a woman in such a situation will begin to raise her voice at the baby, although, in fact, this comes from her own sense of guilt.
Shifting the negative. A mother may yell at a teenager for being slow to clean up after a flood, when the real culprit is the neighbor who flooded you. Also, a woman can show her aggression towards a person who is nearby if she was unable to answer the offender to his face.
A state of dissatisfaction with one's social needs. Sometimes a woman can blame everything on the baby, because of whose birth she lost the opportunity to build a career, or in the absence of a husband, difficulties arise in finding a new partner.
Limitation on actions. A mother may take it out on her child because his appearance interferes with her normal lifestyle. Therefore, he gets angry and takes out his anger.
Bad mood, the baby falls under the hot hand.
Consequences of hormonal imbalance in the body.
Shouting in response to a child’s disobedience when other methods do not help.

What to do with a relationship that has become toxic?

As soon as you realize that you need to change your relationship with a loved one, it means you are ready to accept the situation and look for a way out. A psychologist can help with this and teach you how to build your own boundaries. But it is worth understanding that the result of such work may be the parent’s reluctance to communicate with an “inconvenient” child.

How to deal with toxic relationships:

Admit that there is a problem.
Remember all the nuances of communication with your mother, starting from early childhood.
Understand that toxic relationships are not your fault.
Put your own emotions and feelings first: “How do I feel when my parent doesn’t hear me,” “What would I like from a family relationship.”
Identify what you lacked in communication with your mother. Surely you are trying to get the missing emotions from others. One of the techniques that the psychologist will suggest is to try to give yourself what you did not receive from your parent. For example, your mother never praised you. So, constantly praise yourself.
Set your own boundaries where you can let in those people you want. This is your personal territory, and even your mother has no right to enter there without permission.

Getting rid of a toxic relationship with your beloved mother is very difficult. From early childhood, a child develops a clear attitude that mom is always right, and it is very difficult for him to abandon this stereotype. However, you need to gather your courage and realize how toxic relationships harm a person, ruin his life, and prevent him from building personal boundaries.

Methods to prevent mom's screaming

These methods are independent of the child. It is important that the mother either realizes the consequences of her actions and pulls herself together, or it is necessary to convey this information to relatives or mother’s friends so that they can influence her behavior and teach her how to restrain her emotions.

Mom should imagine that it’s not hers, but someone else’s baby, she won’t raise her voice at the neighbor’s toddler.
When emotions come flooding in, a woman should imagine that she is in the middle of the street, being looked at from all sides and judged.
Let mom think that a hidden camera is hiding her. She doesn’t want to become famous throughout the country as a loud, angry woman.
A woman who senses angry emotions approaching should make drastic changes in her behavior, such as starting a joke game.

Mom must understand that children behave in different ways at different ages. There is no need to be angry with a child who cannot sit still and constantly runs and jumps. You shouldn’t get angry at a toddler who forgot about the potty.

"Dislike"

“It would be better if I hadn’t given birth to you,” - as a rule, this phrase is thrown out in a fit of anger, and then regretted, but sometimes a mother may really not love her child. Indifference, cruelty, desire to withdraw, lack of sympathy and empathy often indicate such a banal, but still rare phenomenon.

“Some women experience postpartum depression, because of which they cannot find the strength to love their child,” says Victor Zaikin. Typically, postpartum depression goes away in the first years after childbirth, but sometimes it remains almost for life. “This trauma can remain with a woman if she is in difficult circumstances, due to which the child may begin to be associated with bad events and feelings, and not with the joy of motherhood,” explains the psychologist. In general, women who had a child in traumatic conditions may find it more difficult to learn love - it will require some effort.

Why you shouldn’t humiliate and call a child names

If some are “violet” and do not particularly react to parental attacks, then the psyche of others is irreversibly deformed. This is where “wolf cubs” appear, driven into a corner, “rags” who allow themselves to be pushed around, neurasthenics who subsequently poison the lives of both themselves and those around them.

Violence is not always the same as physical violence; moral humiliation puts no less pressure on the child. It would seem that the mother is calling him names, but then she will say something nice, nothing terrible. Only this is an illusion. An heir who regularly listens to unflattering “compliments” is unlikely to grow into a happy, self-sufficient person.

This is what tough parental “love” can entail:

depressingly low self-esteem;
inability to make decisions;
inadequate response to criticism;
lack of own opinion;
retaliatory chilling cruelty;
pathological fear of the future;
unreasonable regular lies;
merging with the role of a mute victim;
obvious mental disorders;
desire to say goodbye to life.

The shocking statistics of absurd children's suicides speak for themselves. And most often the leading motive is not the lawlessness of under-teachers, but the “efforts” of parents. Okay, let’s ignore such a gloomy outcome; there are plenty of other factors listed. It is unlikely that truly loving parents dream of their heir’s nightmares, enuresis, public hysterics, complaints of poor health, wild antics supposedly for no reason, etc. You should not always blame external negative influences; sometimes it is enough to do psychological cleaning in your own family.

How to behave with your mother if you cannot communicate calmly?

Your mother is annoying you - what should you do? To begin with, do not blame yourself for insufficient filial feelings and think about how realistic it is to limit your communication with her. Wanting to move away from your mother if you currently have to share one home is a completely natural desire of an adult. The more “toxic” the parent is, the more urgent the decision is not to sadly poke around in your own and your mother’s psychology, continuing to endure and suffer, but to move away, separate from her in the literal sense - by starting to live separately.

If for some reason this is impossible, try to change your life with your mother so that you have less conflict on sensitive topics that have long been buried in your quarrels.

For example, you can tell your mom that so be it - you won’t listen to music without headphones at night, but in no case are you going to give up veganism in favor of your mom’s cutlets. That is, the parent must understand that concessions on your part are possible in those aspects that directly concern her or other household members, but if the issue does not concern the comfort of others, then the daughter is already an adult and will do as she wants.

Psychology teaches that conflicts should not be extinguished, but resolved. Therefore, a completely worthy and adult decision is to ask your mother to respect your personal boundaries and not interfere in your life more than you would like. For example, don’t run into your room every half hour with some questions, don’t demand a report on how your day went and what you ate, don’t be interested in your boyfriends, girlfriends, the size of your salary, etc. If you want, you can tell it yourself, but if not, you are an adult woman with the right to keep your secrets.

If you live separately, but still have certain problems (say, your mother’s calls or her frequent visits without warning are annoying), also express exactly how much you would like to limit your communication. And also warn your mother what you will do if she begins to purposefully violate your requests. For example, visits no more than once a week (without emergency circumstances, of course) and only by prior agreement. If she suddenly decided to bring you borscht in a jar in the evening of a weekday, then you are not at home, or you are wearing headphones and cannot hear, or have already gone to bed. And so every time she violates what was asked of her. Calls can also be regulated - no longer than a few minutes (otherwise - “oh, I can’t talk anymore, my husband is calling, bye, hang up!”).

Remember - there is no “unpaid child debt” (at least because you did not ask your mother to give birth to you “on credit” - but she simply wanted a child, gave birth and raised him, that is, you). Not a single person on Earth, not even a blood relative, has the right to force you to do anything, limit your freedom, manipulate you, much less humiliate and devalue your personality. “Beautiful and Successful” advises not to forget about this and value first of all your comfort, both physical and psychological.

Website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful. The author is Daria Valerievna Blinova, journalist-observer. The article was checked by a special psychologist Olga Yuryevna Gryzlova. More information about the site's authors Copying this article is prohibited!

Is swearing considered child abuse in the eyes of the law?

The law protects the child from all forms of physical or psychological violence, insult or abuse, neglect or neglect, abuse or exploitation, including sexual abuse. It is assumed that the parents protect the child from this, and if the parents do not protect or are themselves to blame, the state intervenes.

However, there are no specific rules for determining what will be violence (or not) in everyday life. The main thing is causing mental or physical harm to the child. Harm as a basis for bringing liability can be either real (that is, the child has actually suffered from screaming) or potential.

A detailed description of violence is found only in criminal law. Criminal liability has been established for failure to fulfill parental responsibilities associated with child abuse. Abuse specifically: deprivation of food, shoes and clothing, gross violation of the daily routine determined by the psychophysiological needs of a child of a certain age, deprivation of sleep and rest, failure to comply with basic hygiene standards (resulting, for example, in head lice, scabies, etc.), failure to follow recommendations and doctor’s instructions for the prevention of diseases and treatment of the child, refusal or evasion of providing the child with necessary medical care, etc., as well as the use of unacceptable (in the legal and moral sense) methods of education and treatment of the child, including all types of mental, physical and sexual violence against children.

Misjudgments

The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:

“My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
"My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
“My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.

The position of a “guardian” for the mother

Sometimes irritation occurs when the heir takes care of the parent, gives her love, support and care. And in response he receives abuse, reproach and exaggerated demands. Mom can constantly beg the heir for attention, care, and money. And this causes outrage. If a parent is seriously ill and cannot care for herself, the children, of course, must take care of her. But if mom is healthy, there is no need to prove your love too hard.

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"You're doing everything wrong"

“I’m never right,” says Katya. When she talks about work, personal life, or just an unpleasant situation in the supermarket, mom uses this to once again emphasize that Katya, unlike the people around her, is behaving incorrectly. And when she decides to tell something truly personal or sad, mom changes the story so as to put Katya in a bad light, and then recalls this situation in order to humiliate her once again. “Money is the main criterion of success for my mother, while slightly different things are important to me,” says Katya. That is why her achievements and successes and even marriage with the person she really loves do not matter to her mother. She only reminds Katya that this man can betray her at any moment.

“Some mothers mistakenly believe that by hitting their child harder than the outside world can, they can prepare him for trials and problems. Let him feel bad, but at home, under my strict guidance,” says psychologist Viktor Zaikin. But such cruelty, as a rule, hurts and does not help to cope with difficulties at all; it only grows self-doubt.

Talk frankly

Does your mom make you angry? Have you ever talked to her about this? Are you ashamed to admit that a woman annoys you? But it’s not her herself that irritates you, but her behavior or character traits. Mom may not notice that she is causing you inconvenience. Talk to your loved one and explain that you are unhappy with her behavior. A person who appreciates and loves you will reconsider his attitude towards you and try to change himself so that you feel more comfortable coexisting with him. But remember: when you begin to openly criticize a person, he may begin to criticize you back. Be prepared for this.

Reality or fiction. Why doesn't a mother love her daughter?

We can talk about such misunderstandings for a long time. The word “misunderstanding” was used for a reason. After all, it is the misunderstanding between mother and daughter, and indeed between parent and child, that becomes the starting point, which later in the minds of young people is transformed into a problem on a more global level. “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” - This question is often asked by those representatives of the younger generation who are confused in their own feelings and mutual understanding with their parents. Yes, unfortunately, today in society there are many families who neglect social norms and foundations, suffer from antisocial behavior, immoral lifestyle, erroneous habits and aspirations. This can be discussed endlessly. But the percentage of such unfavorable and unhappy families, compared to normal average families, is disproportionately small. And it is in normal, prosperous families that children are still often too biased towards their parents, and often towards their mothers. The slightest parental disagreement, criticism, remark or reproach is perceived by children as a serious insult, an injection, or a manifestation of negativity on the part of the mother. Or, even worse, indifference. For the most part, children are driven to such thoughts by youthful spontaneity and teenage subjectivity, the inability to assess the situation impartially.

Why can a mother not love her daughter? Is it because she doesn't do her homework on time? No. Is it because she doesn’t help her mother clean the house and manage the kitchen? Hardly. Because the mother has to sit with her grandson while her daughter manages her responsibilities at work and transfers maternal responsibility to the shoulders of the grandmother? Of course not. All these reasons are not sufficiently substantiated; they relate to the problem only indirectly. Is it worth blaming a woman for unloving who is offended by her child, flares up, or expresses her dissatisfaction? Also no.

Psychologists recommend that we value the time that we have and use it correctly: devote more time to our parents, listen to their advice, delight them with the appearance of grandchildren, make them happy with our frequent visits. No sane, conscious woman can help but love her child. And the existing problems are already derivatives of childhood fantasies, teenage exaggeration, and age-related crisis. You need to learn to understand your mothers, respect them, forgive them for their harshness. After all, the day will inevitably come when it will be too late to correct mistakes. So why not try to improve the relationship now?

Expert advice to help solve the problem

To get rid of accumulated irritation, experts recommend writing a letter to your mother.

And express all the grievances, pain, despair and claims. Then write about how you would like to build a relationship with your parent. For example, to receive more support and approval from her. Of course, you shouldn't send a letter.

You can take a course with a psychologist. The specialist will temporarily take on the role of parent. And he will experience negative feelings together with the client. As a result, the matured child will have a positive experience of accepting and expressing negative emotions.

Troubleshooting

When the offspring has not yet grown up and does not have financial independence, he practically cannot control such a situation. The responsibility during these years lies with the parents. Only by making special efforts on yourself can you eliminate the process of guilt. Sometimes you can’t do this on your own, so it’s best to seek advice from a psychotherapist.

When a child begins to think about this (usually this occurs at the age of 16 years and older), he himself can turn to a psychologist for help. Even if the child does not have pocket money, any educational institution employs a specialist psychologist who will provide free consultation.

Experts argue that the only way out of the situation is for the child to violate certain rules established by the parents. At first, the adult will repeat his pattern of behavior with even greater force, but as soon as he realizes that this no longer has an effect on his son or daughter, he will stop fighting for the unconscious formation of a sense of guilt in his child.

How to calm your mom down when she's angry?

You should behave as follows with an irritated mother:

Try to discuss the situation calmly and from different angles. Let mom talk. When a person is angry, he evaluates the problem biasedly, considering it extremely important. Although in fact this may be a trifle that can easily be resolved if you do not rush things or, on the contrary, take simple but decisive steps right away. Having started discussing the problem, mom herself can find the right solution, or you can push her to this with your careful advice;
Invite her to go to a cafe or just take a walk in the park. Often the cause of mother's irritability and nervousness is simple fatigue. If she has no desire to go somewhere, then run to the store and buy her mother’s favorite treat;
Say: “Mom, it’s hard for me to see you in this state. How can I help? Let me clean up the house, and you relax and watch some movie.” Showing concern always softens a negative attitude.