Unloved child syndrome: signs and negative consequences

Some people find it difficult to be sincere, open up to others, and, accordingly, build some kind of close relationships.
Why is this happening? There may be several reasons, but one of them is that the person was simply not loved in childhood. And an unloved child in the future is a suffering adult. Every person wants to feel loved. They love you not for any merit, but just like that. He also needs to understand that he is perceived as he is . This is the function of the mother - to give the child a feeling of safety, reliability, and that he is not alone and is loved.

Many parents make the same dangerous mistake, intentionally or not: they let their child know that they will love him only on their own terms and nothing else. This is expressed in those moments when mom or dad tell the child to do something, and if he doesn’t do it, then they will stop loving him. Or they force him to do something for his mother, because if he loves her, he will definitely do it. All this is manipulation of parental love. For a child, it is the basis of everything, the foundation for his life. After all, it is the love of his parents that gives him a feeling of safety, security, guarantees that he will not be given away to anyone and that they will take care of him. Not everyone understands this, and therefore not everyone can cope.

But, unfortunately, not every woman can complete this task. Sometimes mothers are simply incapable of love. They may have some kind of psychological trauma, a serious illness, or simply an evil and oppressive character. The child will have to suffer from this.

What is neglected child syndrome?

The unloved child syndrome is a person’s desire to make sure that no one loves him, that he does not deserve to be treated well, confidence in his own imperfection, sometimes even some kind of inferiority.

Remember! A child who did not receive the necessary amount of care, affection and love in childhood grows into an adult with a lot of complexes and psychological problems.

Almost always, unloved children grow up into parents who are unable to show love to their children. In addition, they do not feel a strong connection with their parents. We can say that the boomerang effect is at work here: the parents were indifferent to the child and he, as an adult, does not have warm feelings for them.

Also, do not forget that it is the manifestation of parental love that is the first brick that helps build a solid foundation of confidence and self-sufficiency. An adult who suffers from being unloved is characterized by low self-esteem and problems with socialization.

How can you tell if your child is not getting the right amount of love?

There are a number of symptoms by which you can determine whether a small personality has enough parental love and warmth:

• distrust of adults, reluctance to share your thoughts with parents;
• ignoring what mom and dad say;
• the desire to attract attention to oneself by any means (most often, bad behavior and whims);
• delayed intellectual development;
• diagnoses such as hyperactivity, mental retardation;
• reluctance to learn something new;
• the presence of a large number of children's fears;
• anxiety, isolation.

Causes of the manifestation of dislike syndrome

Every child needs parental love for full development. Only those children are distinguished by purposefulness and success who were confident that their family and friends love them, will help and support them in any situation.

Even in the wild, those cubs of animals that receive maximum care from their mother survive. If, for example, a fawn is left to its own devices, it will most likely die of hunger or fall into the clutches of a predatory lion. And it’s not a matter of banal defense, but also of the survival instinct. Animals teach their kids how to properly protect themselves from natural enemies, how to have offspring, etc.

Teaching is also an expression of love. Humans, by and large, are no different from animals in some of their instincts. And if women have a maternal instinct, then is it any wonder that a child has a need for his mother’s love?

Unfortunately, not all children can satisfy the need for parental love and the reasons for this may be different:

1. Parents' inability to show love. Some mothers and fathers do not understand how to properly show their feelings to their child and simply begin to spoil him. They will shower him with expensive and newfangled toys, buy branded clothes and indulge his whims, believing that in this way they prove their love to the child. But a warm mother’s hug and a fairy tale read together will bring much more benefit. There is only one video circulating on the Internet, the essence of the plot is this: a child asks his mother how much money she earns per hour. Mom replies that it’s 500 rubles. The child asks her for 200 rubles, she begins to swear because she works so much, and the baby only thinks about toys. The child becomes offended and withdraws into himself. Mom worries while doing household chores, but then comes to him and gives him this money. He takes it, hugs and thanks. And then my mother asks: “Why did you need the money?” In response, she hears: “I saved. I have 300 rubles, you gave me 200. Now I have 500 rubles. Mom, let me give you these 500 rubles, and you will play with me for an hour instead of working?” The child's heartbreaking response reveals all the hidden problems of a modern family. After all, almost every child misses their parents, needs their attention, and they are forced to work almost around the clock just to provide themselves with a more or less decent life. On the one hand, you can understand parents, but on the other hand, instead of spending all your time on work, you can find a couple of hours with your baby, and not reward him with a new toy from your salary and brush him off, complaining about another headache or fatigue.
2. Lack of sensitivity on the part of parents. All children have characteristics in character and behavior. If one baby needs constant contact with his mother, then the other is more independent. For one, just a short conversation over dinner is enough, while the other is in dire need of an evening spent together. Unfortunately, not all parents are ready to devote as much time to their child as he needs.
3. Parents give love to other children. In some families, the child is deprived of love in favor of brothers or sisters. Many people are familiar with the situation when there are two or more children in a family and all the affection and care goes to, for example, the youngest. Parents, of course, claim that they love all children equally, but this is not true. You cannot share love equally; everyone is loved for something, in their own way. If parents know how to “dose” their love in at least approximately equal shares, then that’s great. But more often than not, the child sees and feels that his brother or sister is loved more, and this is where resentments and worries arise.
4. There is no love at all. It’s rare, but it also happens that mom and dad don’t love their child at all. The reason for this may be an early or unplanned pregnancy, the unpreparedness of young parents for the birth of a baby, financial difficulties or a disruption in life plans, for example, they had to forget about building a career until the little one grows up. The child feels that he is not loved and this ultimately leads to many problems.

Signs of being unloved in childhood

Resentful Child Syndrome can manifest itself in two ways:

1. Reactive attachment disorder. Expressed in the development of counter-dependence. The consequences will be increased anxiety, aggression and self-aggression.
2. Disinhibited attachment disorder. It is expressed in excessive gullibility and clinginess to unfamiliar people, purposeful attraction of attention, sometimes in negative ways. Children are punished for these actions, and then the parents regret their actions and begin to apologize and caress the child. This is how the cause-and-effect relationship “pain-caress” arises, which can lead to addiction.

With a lack of hugs and stroking, the child begins to perceive his body negatively. Disliked teenagers believe that they have many physical disabilities. This often leads them to plastic surgeons' offices.

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How to recognize unloved child syndrome

An unloved child cannot grow up and turn into a harmonious and self-sufficient person. Growing up with the confidence that no one loves him, he will have a whole set of different complexes and low self-esteem. Recognizing an adult suffering from dislike syndrome is quite simple; the main thing is to pay attention to the following signs:

• Mistrust. Dislike leads to the fact that a person simply does not know how and does not want to trust anyone. He grew up with the firm conviction that he should not count on anyone but himself, and therefore was in no hurry to open up to another person. The same applies to romantic relationships. No, of course, he believes in love, but he does not believe in “happily ever after”, he is always waiting for reproaches against him and is not ready to truly “invest” in creating a family.
• Moral defect. An adult who was disliked in childhood experiences significant difficulties in expressing feelings and emotions. For him, material wealth and personal gain are of great value. Some may say that this is a sign of an egoist, but the situation is a little different. Dislike causes a shift in the system of life values. If an ordinary woman, for example, dreams of great and bright love, family and children, then the unloved woman cares primarily about her own success and fulfillment precisely because she is sure that there will be no love in her life.
• Low self-esteem. Lack of love leads to the fact that an adult will have many problems related to self-confidence. Difficulties in communication, lack of determination, isolation. He considers himself inferior and undeserving of the love of another person.
• Depression. Women who were unloved in childhood tend to experience persistent depressive disorders. Apathy, thoughtfulness, even detachment are clear signs of a depressed state. Women are very dependent on the level of hormones in the body and the problem is the lack of dopamine and serotonin, which were not received in full in childhood. So, before you fight depression, you will have to undergo a course of replacement therapy.
• Hypersensitivity. The syndrome of not being loved is, first of all, a nervous disorder, and all disorders are characterized by hypersensitivity. As they grow older, unloved children elevate their experiences to the center of their existence, their whole life revolves around their experiences and fear. As a result, they are distinguished by great vulnerability and emotional instability. Any carelessly spoken word can drive them into hysterics or cause prolonged depression.

How does dislike appear?

Photo by Olenka Sergienko: Pexels
Imagine, there are two girls. One is constantly fed by positive strokes: she receives parental approval, she is praised, they say that they love her for no reason, they support her in every possible way and show that they are always happy to see her.

And there is another girl. She doesn't get all these goodies from her parents. She either rarely hears words of love or does not hear them at all. She is rarely hugged, rarely praised. And even if they say some nice words, it’s only for business. You have to earn it! And two completely different girls grow up. One boldly goes towards goals, is not afraid to make mistakes, and does what she likes.

Can refuse a request without feeling guilty. Another: she always doubts her appearance, her talent, her decisions and choices.

Consequences of disliked children

What does ignoring a child lead to? Most parents often encounter bad behavior, failure to listen and hear them. Children can provoke parents into conflict.

Let's take a closer look:

• A child's behavior depends on his character. A quiet and calm baby will endure it, a more nimble one will start making trouble and throwing tantrums.
• Too small doses of warmth and love before the age of six lead to poor perseverance, attentiveness, and poor memory.
• Such children are too active, they try to be the best. It may also be the other way around: apathy, poor development.
• A child may become selfish and have too high an opinion of himself. Suspiciousness can lead to lack of self-perception, lack of self-confidence and strength. He would prefer to fold than to make a decision and bear responsibility.

• Children offended by their parents often become outcasts at school, and tactics of bullying and moral violence are used against them.
• Due to discrimination in the family, when mommy humiliates daddy, the boy wants to be like her. That is why, having matured, he wants to change his gender. It’s more difficult for a girl; she strives to be a leader if her mother was humiliated. In life, it will be very difficult for her to find a partner; she will always try to dominate the relationship.
• Disadvantaged children show no interest. They do not strive for anything, study poorly or refuse to go to school at all.
• The child develops a pain complex. He knows that he will only be loved if he is sick. That is why he will not crawl out of hospitals and often walks around with a cast. This is not done out of malice, it is the child’s internal state that attracts illness.
• All crimes, meanness, use of alcohol and drugs, death, occur because of a small show of love by parents.
• Children become difficult, show aggression, anger, and become uncontrollable.

This is not a complete list of what can happen to your babies. Love your children, hug and kiss more often. If you don't know how to love, learn! Otherwise, having matured and started their own family, they cannot fully love their children.

How parents traumatize us

No matter how much our parents love and try to give us the best, very often, without even realizing it, they inflict deep wounds on us by:

• do not take our children's needs seriously;
• ridicule our thoughts, ideas, “crafts,” appearance;
• they forbid us to show our emotions;
• not respected as a separate person with his own will and vision;
• violate our boundaries: take away things, deceive, isolate, coerce, shame, criticize;
• satisfy their egoistic needs with the help of the child.

Due to too severe or repeated trauma, the psyche can be so damaged that this process can be figuratively described as the “dying of the soul” (after all, our inner child is our deep, authentic self). This happens to people who stop feeling themselves, live as if their lives are not their own, and do not experience real satisfaction or joy. They simply have no access to these feelings. Because they have lost a very important part of themselves - their real selves. This is why it is so important to discover and reconnect with the “inner child” that hides where your true self hides.