Why does a child lie: what to do and how to wean him off

When raising their child, parents pay special attention to the development of positive moral qualities. Honesty is one of them.

Usually, children's lies “appear” unexpectedly and confuse many mothers and fathers. This article will tell you how to understand why a child lies and how to deal with children’s lies.

Do you suspect that your child is telling a lie? The “Where are my children” application will help you figure it out - find out where your child is now or where he was during the day, or listen to what is happening around him at the moment.

Types and purposes of children's lies

Children's lies have different reasons. Most often, the type of lie is determined by the goal pursued by the child:

Tendency to fantasize or “play lies”

The school curriculum includes a wonderful work by Nikolai Nosov - the story “Dreamers”. It talks about two boys who brag among themselves: one flew to the moon, the other swam the ocean...

We can hear similar stories from our children.

It is worth noting that such stories cannot be called lies in the literal sense of the word. Rather, we are talking about the child’s rich imagination and his creative abilities.

Lies associated with fear

This is a very common type of lying among children. This type of distortion of reality occurs as a result of the child’s desire to avoid punishment or reprimand (most often from parents).

Elaborate lies

When using a lie strategy, children most often have a specific goal. The most common option is the pursuit of any material goods (money, toys, “goodies”, etc.)

Independence, autonomy, audacity

Trying to keep their parents at a distance, not wanting outside interference in their personal space, teenagers begin to lie. Having his own beliefs and occupation, which his father and mother do not approve of, the child dodges, trying in every way to hide his secrets. You should not pester your child, much less prohibit him from doing what he loves, if it does not contradict the law. When experiencing the insolence of a teenager who wants to establish justice from his point of view, do not get into an argument with him, this will only complicate the situation. Try to delve into what your child is passionate about, it could be goths, punks, anime and other trends, after 1-2 years the hobby will pass, only memories will remain.

How to understand that a child is deceiving his parents - signs

The most common signs by which you can understand that a child is not telling something, or is quite openly lying, include:

deviates from the interlocutor;
“hugs” himself;
sharply “throws” the head back or tilts it down, to the side;
hides his gaze, does not look into the eyes;
during a conversation he often coughs, swallows, etc.;
twirls something in his hands (pencil, eraser, etc.);
often touches the nose, rubs the forehead, eyes, chin or fiddles with the earlobe;
covers his mouth;
scratches the neck or “adjusts” the collar;
“hides” behind some objects (table, soft toy, etc.);
chooses a static pose (without movements);
pauses before telling a lie;
says a lot of details, wanting to hide the lie.

Uncomfortable topics of conversation

Personal, “uncomfortable” topics

There are situations when teenagers do not always lie, but only in the case of unpleasant conversational moments. This mainly concerns friendship, love and sex education. Minors, trying to hide some points or having no desire to discuss such topics at all, begin to lie. This happens due to poor contact with the child. He cannot fully open up and tell everything as it is. Advice from a psychologist will help establish this contact, but it is worth knowing that the problem here may not only be with the teenager, the parent must also change.

Why does a child lie?

Main reasons

Psychologists identify several main reasons for children’s lies:

Fear of punishment

When a child realizes that he will be punished for one or another “misdemeanor,” he finds a way out of this situation - to tell a lie and thus avoid punishment.

Become a better person in the eyes of others

Children often use lies to increase their status and assert themselves. They tell their peers about their parents’ fictitious incomes, unprecedented travels, etc.

Lying as setting personal boundaries

Children often use lies when asserting and protecting their personal boundaries when they understand that their parents demand too much or exert too much control.

Distrust of adults, family problems

If a child lies a lot, this often indicates internal family problems. In such cases, theft and vandalism are added to the lies, with the help of which children “cry for help.”

Lies as a form of protest

The use of lying can often be seen in cases where a child “challenges” the authority of an adult.

Age characteristics

24 years

At this age, the baby learns about the world around him. At this stage, the child fantasizes a lot, with the help of fantasies he colors his reality. All fantasies at this age are harmless. Do not interfere with the little inventor, but on the contrary, help him. Offer to draw an “invented hero” or sculpt him from plasticine.

4-5 years

At this age, the child is not yet able to separate reality from lies. If you deceive him, he sincerely believes. A parent who tells a lie forms a similar model of behavior in his child. The kid begins to use lies, although there is no particular need for this. Most often this happens if the child is afraid of causing his mother’s disapproval. At this age, he interprets this disapproval as dislike. It is much easier for him to lie than to hear that they don’t like him, that he is bad.

7-8 years

A very important and turning point. The child becomes a schoolchild: on the part of the parents - less control, more freedom. When communicating with peers, you want to appear better, bolder, stronger. Boasting is ideal in this case; this is what the younger student begins to actively use. In addition, if a child receives not very good grades, he often tries to hide them by simply not talking about it. He keeps them quiet.

Don't miss this moment. Talk to your child and explain that your love is not related to marks in the diary, and that he is no worse than other children in the class!

9-10 years

In order to win the most significant place among his peers, the child begins to actively lie. He already understands well the difference between truth and falsehood, but this does not stop him: incredible stories about travel, prestigious jobs of his parents, cool gadgets, etc. - this is only a small fraction of all kinds of fables of a child of this age.

11-12 years old

At this age, children's lies are closely related to the critical level of trust in the family, and can also be a consequence of strict upbringing.

At this age, a teenager sees a clear line between truth and lies. He will lie consciously, pursuing a specific goal. There can be many reasons: lack of attention, self-affirmation, fear of humiliation, protection of personal boundaries and much more.

Fear of failure

If teenagers in the first case lie only to their parents, then their fear of failure causes a defensive reaction, which manifests itself in lying to everyone. Teachers are the first to be negatively affected. A schoolchild, fearing publicity or ridicule, deliberately lies that he did not learn the lesson. He tells parents lies in the form of exaggerations of his success at school. In this case, you will need consultation or advice from a psychologist. If teenagers outgrow certain categories of lies without the intervention of specialists, then this one can leave trauma for the rest of their lives. Already in adulthood, a person will not only lie to everyone, but will also not be able to express himself as an individual due to constant fear.

Sources of lies

Lack of attention

If a child tells everyone stories about how wonderful his life is, what a happy and friendly family he has, how his parents love him, this is a reason to think about your relationship. Perhaps the child does not have enough attention, and he talks about what he would really like to have.

Unnecessary criticism

If parents criticize their child a lot, they thereby cause a decrease in the child’s self-esteem and contribute to the development of various complexes. The child becomes unsure of himself and dissatisfied with himself. In this case, children use lies to change the situation and become worthy of respect.

Excessive severity

In cases where parents raise a child in strictness and punish him for all his mistakes and misdeeds, it should not be surprising that the child uses lies as a defense and thus tries to avoid punishment.

Restrictions on the expression of emotions

It is often difficult for an adult to control his emotions, let alone a child. If parents begin to prevent the child from venting his negative emotions and let him know that they only want to see him “good and obedient,” then the child will withdraw into himself. He will lie about his thoughts, feelings and desires, trying to please his parents.

"Play on feelings"

If parents demonstratively show how upset or upset they are by the child’s low performance, bad behavior, etc., then they themselves provoke the child to hide the truth, keep silent, lie, so as not to upset the parents.

Basic recommendations

Before you reproach your offspring for lying, look at yourself. The ideal role model of parental behavior is not always the right example. How many times have you lied to your child? Even the most insignificant deception will never escape the attention of the little man. And if you can lie, then why can’t he?
You may not be able to establish lost psychological contact with your child on the first try. Don't give up, try again and again. Just don’t break down or swear if the child continues to lie. Show him your love time after time. Talk about her. Explain that now you are a little upset after learning about his lies, but you still love him. And again try to establish contact.
Offer your offspring your solution to his problems. Let him know that he will always find support and participation in you. If your baby starts sharing his fears or successes with you, then you are doing everything right.
Don’t force a promise from your child to never lie again. And even more so, do not threaten with punishment and all heavenly punishments. Pressure on pity is also a dirty trick. Remember how, when he was still little, he snuggled up to you and felt sorry for his mother’s bo-bo? This pity of love for you will make him lie even more. And the promise to stop should be made on the initiative of the child himself and nothing more!
As you know, crime is better prevented. Start young. Watch appropriate cartoons with your baby, read fairy tales, and make up stories for him. Teach to tell the truth from childhood. And at the same time, teach them to remain tactfully silent so as not to offend. After all, you didn’t lie, you simply remained silent. Just be sure to write down the moments when you can do this and when you can’t.

How to stop a child from lying? Gain his trust, give your attention and support. Love your child

At any age and mood.

How to stop a child from lying - advice from a psychologist

First of all, parents should remember that a lie for a child is an opportunity to release internal conflict, as well as to find a lifeline in a hopeless situation.

For a parent, a child’s lie is most often a “cry for help,” an SOS signal, a reason to pay closer attention to a seemingly successful and happy child.

What should parents of children do if lying has become an integral part of their lives?

What to do and how to react to parents

Each case of a lie occurring in a child’s life is unique, but there are still some “general” steps towards correcting the current situation.

Clarify the reason for children's lies

Parents who have caught their child in a lie, trying to correct the situation, often begin with reproaches and punishments, which only leads to an increase in the conflict situation. The correct and effective way out of the situation is to establish relationships with the child and establish trust.

Analysis of your own behavior

It is very important to analyze your own behavior, pay attention to the changes that have occurred in your relationship with your child and answer the question: “What has changed in my behavior and our communication?”

Besides:

Try to “get away” from punishment. Fear is the main driver of children's lies. Experiencing fear, the child begins to look for options to avoid any punishment and sees the alternative in lies.
Do not shift your unrealized plans onto your child and do not expect him to be successful in all endeavors. This turns out to be too heavy a burden, which most children, unfortunately, cannot cope with.
Don't make empty promises to your child. Children, like a sponge, absorb parental behavior. If you allow promises not to be kept, as well as outright lies, then don’t expect your children not to echo you.

“Listen” to lies

You should also pay attention to how the lie actually manifests itself and what it is connected with. Perhaps the child is trying to lie through lies, talking about his desires, or, conversely, about what worries him.

Afterword

The personal example of parents provides a greater educational effect than moral teaching. If a child lies, then he either copies his parents, or protects his psyche from unsafe external conditions, for example, aggression from peers in kindergarten, an authoritarian style of upbringing in a family or educational institution.

Children's lies can hardly be called lies, since children do not yet possess this art. This is, rather, fantasy, which, if adults react incorrectly, develops into a lie. Fantasy helps children cope with difficulties, for example, surviving their parents' divorce, getting rid of loneliness and fears.

There is no need to punish a child for the slightest invention. But you need to make sure that lies are not based on selfish motives, and that fantasies do not tear you away from reality and do not drag you into the world of illusions.

Support always

Does a 10-year-old child constantly lie? It is difficult to answer what to do, because the algorithm of actions depends on the reason for the appearance of children's lies. However, some tips can still be applied almost always. If they don’t stop telling lies, they will at least show that parents are attentive to their offspring.

Once the liar is caught, you need to show him that parents are not guards. They will always listen and support. True, if there is no mutual trust in mother and father at all, it will take a long time to move towards the goal.

Learning to trust

Why does a 10 year old child lie? Child psychology indicates that this phenomenon usually results from a loss of mutual understanding and trust in relation to the mother and father. Why this happened needs to be looked at in each case separately. Depending on the root cause, you will have to choose a further course of action.

In any case, parents need to learn to trust their children. It is possible that the mother and father initially did not believe the child. And he began to invent various stories - so that it would not be so offensive for the distrust on the part of those closest to him.

It is necessary to provide the child with more freedom, more choice. Let children learn to live and feel like “adults”. This will help restore the child-parent bond.

Translation into game

The following advice should help those whose children begin to invent stories due to their rich imagination. There is no need to chop it. A child’s imagination can help him get settled in life in the future; it must be preserved for as long as possible.

Therefore, if parents notice how their inventive child begins to invent, they need to direct their imagination in a peaceful direction. For example, turn everything into a game or offer to write a “home book.” This approach usually has a therapeutic effect.

Refusal of iron fists

Is a 10 year old child lying? What to do? Parents often think about how to “correctly” intimidate and scold a child so that he immediately begins to tell the truth. Unfortunately, such a result cannot be achieved: the more punishment and scolding a child hears and endures, the more sophisticated he will begin to invent.

If children begin to tell lies for no apparent reason, it is worth considering whether the parents are raising the child correctly. Aren't there a lot of controls and restrictions placed on the younger generation?

In order to prevent children's lies, it is worth refusing to play it safe. At first they may turn out to be a small lie, but by puberty they will lead to serious protests on the part of the child.

When to sound the alarm

Based on all of the above, it follows that children's imaginations are not a reason to panic. Scientists have found that a child’s first attempts at lying appear at about 3 years old; by the age of 5-6 years, children are already excellent at making up stories. This behavior is normal, but there is still no need to put the brakes on it. Otherwise, you can miss out on education and face a lot of problems.

There are situations in which it is necessary to immediately ring all the bells if a child begins to tell a lie. It is usually recommended to behave this way when:

a minor uses lies as a means of manipulation;
some serious truth is hidden;
the lie led to serious negative consequences;
fictional stories are accompanied by severe disobedience, damage to property, hooliganism and theft.

As a rule, in such circumstances, it is recommended to contact a family (but not a child) psychologist with your child. This specialist will help you understand why children started lying. He will try to correct the situation. Just don't be shy. A visit to a psychologist is not at all a visit to a psychoneurological dispensary. It really is sometimes necessary. Maybe the parents themselves are to blame for the fact that their children lie to them.

If you lie, you can avoid punishment

Situations of this kind are common; if teenagers lie, they thereby save themselves from punishment for an offense. To a greater extent, this happens if parents are despots and do not understand that different things can happen in life. The child, taught by the bitter experience of receiving punishment, deliberately hides the truth by telling lies. If at least once he provides himself with such protection from punishment, the lies will continue to be repeated. In this case, parents should turn to a psychologist for advice, because they are the ones to blame for this behavior of their child.

We talk about consequences

If at the age of 10 a child lies to his parents, there is no need to immediately ring the bells, accuse the child of all sins and intimidate him. All this, as practice shows, turns out to be useless. Children must understand why certain actions cannot be done.

That is why, when parents catch their children lying, they should calmly talk about it. It is worth giving examples when a lie led to dire consequences, but this will have to be done wisely, without making things up. Cartoons and movies about the dangers of lying also help a lot.