You can’t count the nerve cells that parents lose in endless attempts to please a capricious child. And the baby’s pouting lips, coupled with the promise to “never be friends with mom and dad again” is the least of the evils. There are also bitter tears, loud hysterics with stamping of feet, constant “I don’t want” and “I won’t.” Real dramas. Let's figure out how to cope with a capricious child.
According to psychologists, the tendency to whims in children is associated with their age and psychophysical characteristics. And the younger the child, the more clearly it manifests itself. Psychiatrist Paula Levine of Miami Medical Center says that most mood swings are a normal part of growing up. It is important not to mistake tears and tantrums—even if they happen more often than you would like—for bad behavior, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.
In general, every age has its own whims. And the approaches to their “liquidation” are also different.
Children under one year old
The baby still definitely doesn’t know how to be capricious for the purpose of manipulation. Yes, he often cries to attract his mother’s attention, but this is dictated by a natural fear of being left alone. But not through emotional blackmail; the child will master these “skills” later.
Babies act out and freak out because they are tired, hungry, sick, bored, or teething. There are a lot of reasons.
Under the age of one year, babies, due to an insufficiently developed nervous system and a banal inability to speak, cannot express their emotions in any other way. Hence the whims.
The main task of parents is to calm themselves and calm a capricious baby. But it won’t hurt to learn now how to react correctly to a child’s tears, otherwise there will be much more problems with hysterics in the future.
When is it time to go to a child psychologist?
You should contact a psychologist if your child’s tantrums become too frequent and become protracted. In particular, they do not go away, even if the child is left completely alone. If parents have tried all the methods, but still cannot overcome tantrums, then it’s time to seek advice from a child psychologist. In order to find a good specialist, ask your friends who have already been helped by a child psychologist. Reviews will be a good guide for you. In addition, it is worth visiting a pediatric neurologist. This doctor will order the necessary examinations and, if necessary, prescribe sedatives for children. 2 years is the age at which natural herbal preparations are most often recommended.
Sometimes the reason for children's tantrums lies in family troubles and lack of agreement between parents. Even if parents never quarrel in front of the baby, the baby still feels the nervous atmosphere and reacts to it in his own way. As soon as they come to an agreement, calming their thoughts and feelings, the child’s tantrums immediately stop.
Being a child is just as difficult as being an adult. But time is still on our side. Very soon you will find that the two-year mark has been passed, and all the hysterics are far behind you.
Children 1-2 years old
It seems that just yesterday the child was a sweet angel, but today he has become whiny and capricious. Hello, one year crisis. Often this is what causes changes in the baby’s behavior.
This is the first age-related crisis of a child that parents face. It starts at about a year and a half, and ends by 2 years. Psychologists characterize this period as the beginning of the formation of one’s own “I”.
The baby little by little begins to realize that he is an autonomous person. He develops goal-setting when “I want” develops into “I need to achieve it.” In any way - sometimes with screams and hysterics. The child actively explores the world - when for one reason or another he is forbidden to do this, whims become a way to achieve what he wants. And yes, the baby learns to manipulate his parents. He observes their reactions to his various actions, probes the boundaries of what is permitted. It is important not to miss the moment when “real” whims develop into a method of emotional blackmail.
But don’t forget that even now a child can be capricious and freak out for completely “banal” reasons - he’s overtired or sick.
Do not give your child all toys at the same time
If a child does not see all his toys at once, then he will remain interested in them longer. If there are too many toys, collect some of them and hide them. after some time they can be shown to the child. He will start playing with them with no less interest than with new ones. Of course, you should not hide those toys to which the child is very attached. Some should be stored where they are most often used. For example, your daughter's toy kitchen utensils can be stored in a special box in the kitchen. This will keep your own kitchenware safe.
Your son's toy tools can be kept next to his dad's. When your child asks for a hammer or drill, give him his own toy tool. It is better to store bathing toys in the bathroom, and it is better to place the ball he plays with outside in the hallway.
Children 3-4 years old
The whims of a child at this age are a completely normal reaction to insult or stress. He cannot yet cope with emotional stress “correctly”.
And just now the child is entering another age crisis, which begins at 2.5 years and ends at 4 years. A difficult period for both the baby and his parents. Psychologists also call it a crisis of negativism. It was as if the child had been replaced. He is capricious, whiny, irritable, and answers “no” to everything.
Psychologists say that this is a consequence of the formation of the baby’s own “I”. Unconsciously, he tries to separate himself from mom and dad, to prove to them that he can do everything. This is where real revolts against the rules established by parents come from - screams, hysterics, tearful whims. The child cannot yet prove his independence in any other way and defend his opinion, he freaks out and yells. And some flaws in upbringing only aggravate the situation - for example, excessive strictness of parents.
A 3-4 year old child already understands quite well what “good” and “bad”, “impossible” and “possible” are. The baby is quite capable of cunning manipulations, which is why he is often capricious. He managed to understand that loud tantrums in the supermarket usually help to “beg” for toys, and tears on the playground will certainly extend the time of the walk.
A capricious child aged 3-4 years is a signal for parents, a call to reconsider their approaches to parenting. Where did it all start? At what points does a child become unbearably capricious?
The root cause will go away, and the “wrong” behavior will stop.
Possible injuries
Several possible injuries can result from a fall, including:
Shake
A physician should evaluate head injuries for concussions.
A concussion is a type of head injury that usually occurs when a blow to the head causes the brain to receive a jolt inside the skull. It is difficult to detect a concussion in a toddler because they cannot describe their symptoms.
Signs of a concussion in an infant include:
- loss of consciousness
- inconsolable crying
- vomit
- excessive sleepiness
- long periods of silence
- refusal to eat
- temporary loss of recently acquired skills
- irritability
Damage to soft tissues.
The scalp is the skin that covers the head and contains many small blood vessels. Even a minor cut or injury can bleed profusely, making the injury appear more serious than it is.
Sometimes, an internal hematoma under the scalp can cause swelling on the baby's head, which can last for several days.
Skull fracture
The skull is the bone that surrounds the brain. Possible skull fracture if falling from a high place.
Infants with a skull fracture may have:
- depressed area on the head
- clear fluid coming from the eyes or ears
- bruises around the eyes or ears
Take your child to the emergency room immediately if he has any of these signs.
The brain is a delicate structure that contains many blood vessels, nerves and other internal tissues. Falls can damage these structures, sometimes severely.
Parents have powerful intuition. If something seems wrong with your child, it is important to understand it so you can contact a doctor. It's always better to be safe and make sure there are no serious injuries.
Children 5-7 years old
The whims of children at this age can hardly even be called whims. Rather, it is an established norm of behavior, the habit of getting one’s way not through dialogue, but by screaming and crying. Manipulation in its purest form. Most likely, the parents missed the most important moment when they could still change their reaction to the baby’s protests.
School also changes a child’s behavior. It is difficult for him to adjust to a new regime after kindergarten. Hence the tearfulness and sometimes inadequate reaction to what is happening around, the reluctance to go to school, and poor behavior in class. Problems are exacerbated by poor socialization and lack of self-confidence. Scolding and “teaching life” to a capricious child is pointless. It is important to help him overcome another age crisis. When the child adapts to school, problems with frequent whims will go away.
“Prevention” of children's whims: 3 important recommendations
It is much easier to prevent a child’s capricious behavior than to then “treat” it a hundred times a day. What parenting techniques will be helpful?
A clearly structured “don’t” system
Children 1-3 years old in most cases react to prohibitions with whims. It turns out that if you remove all the “don’ts,” the child will stop constantly throwing tantrums. No, that's not quite the right approach. At least for the safety of the child, prohibitions should exist. Not to mention the standards of education.
But these must be clear and specific prohibitions. These are unshakable rules that cannot be broken - even on weekends, when sick, or at grandma's. Systematic “don’ts” provoke protests. A capricious child reasons like this: his parents sometimes allow him to watch cartoons until the night, which means that if he cries a little, they will make an exception today. If the “bedtime at 9” rule worked all the time, then there would be no tears in the evenings.
The child must understand what “no” is
Why do those terrible hysterics happen in the store over an unpurchased toy? The child does not understand or does not want to understand the word “no”.
It's one thing if a one-year-old child is crying - most likely, he is really upset that his mother did not give him that car. Naturally, the baby expresses anger and dissatisfaction by screaming - he still doesn’t know how to do it any other way. Here you need to calm the child down or distract his attention - the stress will be relieved.
But it’s a completely different matter when a 3-6 year old child throws such a tantrum. He perceives a parent’s “no” as a call to action. And since he is capricious, despite the reasonable arguments of his parents, it means he understands: “push a little more, and mom and dad will agree to anything.” Manipulation, a way to get what you want.
If there is an understanding that the parent’s “no” is as unshakable as a rock, there will be a minimum of whims at 2-4 years old, when the child is actively testing the boundaries of what is permitted.
Here again the question is a clearly structured system of prohibitions. Psychologists advise all family members to adhere to the same strategy for raising children. Otherwise, with a mother who periodically says “yes” instead of “no,” the child will be especially capricious; with a father, this will not help achieve what he wants.
And of course, “no” should not be shouted out in irritation, but spoken calmly. And it is advisable to explain your refusal.
Down with overprotection
Psychologists advise not to do for a child what he is quite capable of doing on his own. A bad parenting habit that over time can become a trigger for tantrums and whims. If you perform the simplest tasks for a child over and over again - cleaning up scattered toys for him or getting him dressed for kindergarten in the morning - at one point you can hear the completely natural “I don’t want” and “I won’t” in a whiny voice. Why should a child try if the mother can do everything perfectly herself? He is capricious, dependent, indecisive.
In general, overprotection is an unimportant assistant in raising a child. Already at one year old, you can put away his toys with your child, showing him how to do it correctly - this reinforces useful behavior patterns. This means that at 2-3 years old there will be no whims about the need to clean up.
Help your child, be his partner
Your baby may have an idea for something, but will not be able to carry it out due to the fact that his physical capabilities are still very limited. Help him, but don't do everything for him. For example, he planted a tree branch in the sand and now wants to water his “flowerbed.” Help him carry a jar of water to the sandbox, but do not pour the water yourself. After all, he wants to do it on his own. If you deprive him of this opportunity, then a scandal will inevitably arise. The child has not yet learned to correctly express his negative emotions, so hysterics often occur in children. 2 years is an age at which not all children can still speak properly. Unable to provide compelling arguments in defense of his position, the kid throws a tantrum.
Many games are simply impossible to play on your own. You cannot catch or roll a ball if there is no one to throw it, you cannot play catch if there is no one to catch you. Often children have to beg their parents for a long time to play with them. After much persuasion, they reluctantly agree, but after a few minutes they say: “Well, that’s enough, now play yourself.” Or, when agreeing to play, they announce in advance that they can only give the child 10 minutes. After this, the child does not so much play as he fearfully waits for the promised minutes to end and for him to be told: “That’s enough for today.” It’s clear that you won’t be able to play all day, but sometimes it’s worth pretending that you really want to. Give your child the satisfaction of finishing the game when they want. Games for 2-year-old children are their very life.
The whims have begun: what should parents do?
Even the most obedient kids get capricious and freak out. This is fine. And there is no universal recommendation that would help instantly extinguish a child’s hysterics. After all, the reasons for whims themselves may be different.
With babies aged 6 months, everything is more or less clear. You need to pull yourself together and calm the baby. Here everyone copes as best they can - rocks, sings a song, gives a favorite toy or rodent to relieve pain in the gums. If necessary, feed, drink and put to bed. “Bad days” happen even to young children - most likely, tomorrow the child will be in a better mood, he will not be capricious, freak out and cry.
But starting from the age of one year, the “pump and feed” techniques will no longer work. How to cope with the situation and quickly extinguish whims?
Switch the child's attention
Perhaps the baby did not plan anything bad - he began to be capricious and freak out because he was tired or bored. Try to switch his attention to something else. Works flawlessly with children 1-2 years old.
Has your child started acting up in the store? Distract him with a toy (be sure to put it in your bag). Or involve your child in helping - let him get food from the lower shelves.
Use reasonable arguments
If your child suddenly goes crazy, try to come to an agreement with him. After 3 years, he is quite capable of understanding that “wrong” behavior can be followed by punishment. It's time to learn how to negotiate peacefully with your child.
Of course, we will do without threats and severe punishments. We calmly explain why exactly “no” and “impossible.” Most likely, a capricious child listens to reasonable arguments when tearfulness is periodic in nature.
If necessary, we promise to do what he wants another time. By the way, the promise will have to be fulfilled so as not to shake the baby’s trust. Otherwise, next time it will not be possible to extinguish his whims.
Recourse to the help of the “hall”
A great way to distract a 1-2 year old child from his own whims is to call a friend, a “figurehead,” for help.
We take the baby’s favorite toy and say: “I’m very sad. Let's go for a walk". Most likely, the child will forget that he cried. Of course, he understands that this is mom. But he will certainly enjoy this performance.
Act on the contrary
A three-year-old suddenly has an “attack” of negativism, is he capricious and freaking out, as happens during an age crisis? When he says “no” to everything, try doing the opposite.
If you want to go right, say left. Most likely, the baby will begin to walk to the right. And when you need to feed your child meat, tell him that he can’t have that delicious piece at all. He'll probably eat it with pleasure. From time to time, when the situation allows, you can cope with children's whims in this way.
Suppress a child’s negative emotions with a comic fight
If a child throws a tantrum or is naughty at home, you can offer him a comic fight with pillows or soft toys. A great way to release stress and negative emotions is to channel your anger into a peaceful channel.
Don't leave the child alone
When a child is capricious and freaks out, emotions go through the roof - it seems that it is no longer possible to tolerate it. Find the strength to stay close and talk to your child. Don't leave him alone with stress.
Hug, hold close. Tell him you understand him. Explain once again the prohibition or, conversely, the need to do something. If this does not calm the fussy child, stay in the room nearby. Surely the grievances will soon pass.
How to deal with tantrums?
The first option that comes to mind is the most correct and most common - ignoring. However, as Dr. Komarovsky emphasizes, it is not the child himself who should be ignored, but his seizures. “The child does not throw tantrums in front of the TV, in front of the closet, or in front of the bathroom. He throws tantrums in front of the person who is sensitive to hysterics.” That is why the association “I’m not yelling – mom is nearby” should be formed in a child under 2 years of age. Evgeniy Olegovich gives the following algorithm of actions:
- put the child in the playpen;
- leave the room, making it clear that you can hear him;
- stand and wait until the screams stop;
- go into the room.
If the screams are repeated, start from the second point. This method will take a lot of effort and nerves, but the result is worth it.
You should not calm your child down at the peak of hysteria, much less try to find out what caused it. It is best to wait until it passes, and only then calmly ask the baby what happened and calm the child down. You also cannot react aggressively to a child’s hysterics, condemn him, or try to suppress the expression of emotions.
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