Useless self-sacrifice
You ignore your own needs for the sake of others, but the world simply does not notice. And even if people insult you, you consider yourself to blame. This approach will inevitably lead to people frustrating you over and over again. Don't be afraid to tell the world if you don't like something. This will help you attract people with the same interests as you. On the other hand, unnecessary self-sacrifice most often goes unnoticed.
Why they don’t value me and don’t value me: reasons
Why don't they give me any credit?
Sometimes it happens that you seem to go out of your way, but they don’t appreciate you and don’t even notice that you are doing good. But once you show character, everyone immediately sees it. What happened, because you are so good, and everyone should see it. And the whole point is that you yourself bring it to this point, although you may not understand it. So what's the deal?
- You don’t feel when the “impact” begins
This is due to the fact that as a child you were not valued, not respected enough, and over time this has not changed much. For you, such a situation is not out of the ordinary, but it is not, and subsequently it becomes very late. Is your other half constantly angry, tired or sarcastic? And she doesn’t appreciate you and she constantly doesn’t like something? It’s not your fault, it’s just that you came across such a person. However, if you still have not separated, then you have already overcome the boundaries.
- You forgive too quickly
If you were offended or disrespected, then your thoughts revolve around the fact that it was not on purpose and you immediately forgive the offender. This should not be done under any circumstances. You need to be able to stand up for yourself, so learn to defend yourself.
- Do you firmly believe that loving people do not offend
You look at the world as if it were kind and open, and such thoughts don’t even occur to you that your loved one might offend you and not appreciate you. But such a worldview turns life into a living hell. After all, the one you love sometimes offends you more than others. Don't forget that if someone loves you, they won't necessarily treat you well. This is reality and we must learn to accept it so that it doesn’t hurt too much later.
- You're trying to prove to everyone that you're not hopeless.
You are trying to prove something.
You think that you need to act and constantly remind you that you are an excellent mother, wife, daughter, friend, and so on. This is a very big mistake, because people have already formed an opinion about you, and you are trying to change it. If you know your worth, then never try to prove something.
- You undermine your dignity for the sake of a relationship
Everyone wants to be loved and this is quite normal. Just don’t become a victim and indulge a person in everything, just so as not to be left alone. If a person behaves indifferently towards you, does not value you, then it means he does not need you, so why humiliate yourself. Better find someone who will truly appreciate you.
- You blindly believe that they don’t want to offend you
Even seemingly pleasant people can take advantage of you at any time. After all, you yourself allow this to happen. Don't be naive and don't allow yourself to be used. As a rule, people who quickly give up their positions are not valued and therefore no one is afraid of doing something bad to them, because there will be no response.
- You are afraid of offending someone, even if you have been harmed yourself
You are not used to talking about what you don’t like and prefer to endure the insult. But you won’t do anything to someone else because you’re afraid of hurting his feelings. Have you thought about yourself? Maybe it's time to fix this? It's probably time to take charge of yourself and make yourself appreciated.
- You believe that others have similar views to you
Yes, you try to protect, love and help everyone. And you honestly think that others are trying to do the same. But don’t forget that our world is full of selfish, cunning and spoiled people, and it’s not a fact that your friend thinks like you and values you.
- You are empathic, and towards others
Somehow you don’t even think about yourself. If you were offended, then you will feel awkward for the offender. That is, you take responsibility for other people's feelings and think more about those who hurt you.
- Do you need an estimate?
You seek approval
You always expect to be praised even for the smallest things. And if this does not happen, then you feel that you are not appreciated. You expect the offender to admit he was wrong and begin to regret what he did. Believe me, this will not always be the case and there are indeed people who do not care about others or believe that they are right. And what can we say, no one will praise you for any little thing, and that’s normal.
- When you are offended, you feel sorry for the other
If you have a fight with a friend, you begin to feel sorry for her. And in general, when you cooled down, you began to consider yourself guilty and look for ways to reconcile. This is the wrong position. Think about your feelings. Perhaps your friend is really wrong, she doesn’t appreciate you, so why rush to reconcile right away?
- You don't know what respect is
You are sure that respect must be earned and you actively try to do this. That is, you don’t even have the idea that respect is given for nothing.
- You never think you're right
If you are offended, then it will not even occur to you that you might be right. You will blame yourself for what happened and look for reasons within yourself.
- You attract powerful people
Egoists and narcissists are drawn to you because you always take the position of a victim. It’s more convenient for you, but others take advantage of it.
- You are unable to make decisions
You try to look for compromises. You are helpless in making decisions.
- You are uncomfortable being on an equal footing
You constantly need to give something to people to prove that you are truly worth something.
- You don't set boundaries
Lack of boundaries
There are different reasons for this. You are afraid of complications. You try to please other people and don’t even understand what you want. At the same time, when your boundaries are violated and you are not valued, it is very unpleasant for you, but you can’t do anything, because then the person may be offended.
- Do you feel guilty when you can't give everything?
That is, you always try to give your best and get upset if you can’t give your all.
- Are you afraid to be alone
You believe that it is better to build relationships with others than to seek harmony with yourself. You are afraid to be left without love. But when you stop letting others control your emotions, you will become calmer.
Lack of self-esteem
You don't seem to feel when other people are being rude to you, or you just turn a blind eye to these "little inconveniences." But a naturally rude person will never love or respect you for this. So why do you continue to tolerate this? If someone acts like they don't care about you, then it really is true. Don't make excuses for rude people. Respect yourself.
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Prospector syndrome
You try for your husband: surprise him with new dishes (because he doesn’t like monotony), buy fresh newspapers for him every morning (because he doesn’t read electronically).
You try for the children: you clean their apartment (they, poor things, have no time - everyone works!), give them part of your pension or salary (you don’t need much - you’re used to making do with little). You do your best for your grandchildren: you bake pies for them, take them to the pool and chess, sit with them when they are sick. You try for friends and acquaintances - you support, console, take their pets for foster care. In a word, you try, try, try... Article on the topic TEST: how objective is your self-esteem?
At best, they give you an indifferent “Thank you!” And at worst, they find something to complain about. The newspapers turn out to be uninteresting, the pies are tasteless, the apartment is not well-groomed enough.
You depend on the approval of others
People who have a pathological need for approval from others subconsciously give off signals that something is wrong with them. But those around them do not want to communicate with people who are somehow different from them. Stop expecting praise. You don't need to hear about how good a person you are to actually be one. And don't be afraid of criticism. People will criticize you for almost everything for one reason or another. Your opinion of yourself should always be the most important.
How to understand that you are trying to please others, that you are not valued: signs
There are several clear signs that show that you are trying to please everyone:
- You get angry for no reason or act passive
- You are rarely happy with the situation
- Are you trying to suppress or are you being suppressed?
- You're always in a hurry for no reason
Again, if you can't please everyone, then nothing bad will happen. You definitely won't be left without friends. And if your friend did not communicate with you when you began to express your opinion, then you do not need such a friend. Although, you shouldn’t “cut from the shoulder” and “close all doors”, perhaps he will come to his senses.
You look for the source of problems only within yourself
You automatically assume that everyone around you is right, except when it comes to yourself. You believe that you yourself are responsible for everything that happens around you. Remember that no one will thank you for this, but they may take advantage of you and make your life even more difficult. Finding the culprits is a thankless task. It will bring you neither love nor pity. Instead, focus your efforts on finding a solution to the problem.
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First of all, open communication
It is worth having an educational conversation with a subordinate who does not want to obey. In its process, it is important not only to point out the consequences of failure to comply with management orders. It is important to ask what exactly the employee would like to get from you and from working in your company. Maybe the problem is not only the size of the financial reward, but also the need to reorganize some small things. Perhaps responsibilities in the department are distributed incorrectly. For example, one employee does the work for two others, who at this time only pretend to work.
And it is precisely this fact that causes resistance and unwillingness to obey orders. After all, you yourself were probably once a simple worker who knew well what needed to be improved, what points required increased attention. Try to find out and eliminate those things that cause rejection and irritation. This will show you that you are a real leader, and your employees will begin to treat you with more respect.
Boasting
If you constantly try to emphasize your strengths and ask for respect, then you are in a dependent relationship. The more you try to convince others that you are a good person, the more often you will receive refusal. Even if you really are.
You can show others that you are worth something only if you sincerely believe in it. If you know your worth, you won't need to prove it to anyone.
How to deal with a husband who doesn't respect his wife: basic tips
- Accept the power of a man as the head of the family, his authority and leadership.
Both spouses can claim leadership status. But in men, the need to dominate is inherent historically, and if a man strives to be the leader, he will not give in and will resist his wife. - Communicate respectfully, without shouting or insults, from a position of equality.
An invaluable quality of a woman is calmness and self-control. Not every girl can be proud of her emotional restraint. This trait alone will attract male respect. - Accept his decisions without criticism, do not disparage his intellectual abilities.
A man needs approval of his ideas, actions and endeavors. Systematic counter-criticism labels: “the husband is stupid, the wife is smart.” After all, a woman’s trump card is beauty, and a man’s trump card is intelligence. - Appreciate his courage and sexual potential.
It is important to show feminine weakness, to give a man the opportunity to use his strength. Sex should be an accessible and natural privilege of family life, not an incentive carrot. - Share achievements and victories.
A small success, secured by the approval and praise of his wife, will motivate him to a big victory. - Acceptance of the environment (friends, relatives, colleagues), interests and personal space, leisure.
Spouses do not become one, their personalities do not merge into one. Therefore, these areas should be separated. Both partners have the right to personal leisure and freedom. By showing interest and approval in your personal space, you demonstrate not only respect for your husband, but also trust (this also applies to personal belongings: gadgets, notebooks, social network accounts). - Highlight and emphasize its advantages.
There is not a single ideal person in the world. The partner is also no exception, but there are things that he does especially well. The habit of regularly emphasizing such virtues will provide good fuel for maintaining self-esteem.
Fear of Rejection
You don't want to upset anyone, even if it means inconvenience to you. You pretend that everything is fine so that others won't worry if you're not happy with something. As a result, you are very often dissatisfied with what is happening around you.
Don't be afraid to say no. Even the best people in the world can try to take advantage of you if you let them. Help others only if you really want to.
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Make orders specific
One of the most common reasons why subordinates do not want to follow the orders of their boss is the lack of specificity in his orders. It often happens that managers behave according to the principle “Go there - I don’t know where...”. What happens in the end? They also get the appropriate output result. Sometimes it happens that the boss himself confuses a specific order (“write a report”) with a call (“you should work more efficiently”). The main function of the first type of orders is administrative, and the second one is motivational.
Ignoring one's own interests
You are used to adapting to the needs of other people, so it is difficult for you to understand your own desires. You yourself cannot decide what to do, so you always listen to outside opinions. If you are unable to make decisions and feel helpless, other people are unlikely to respect you. Learn to listen to your own desires and do not be afraid that you may offend others. Most likely, your fears are far from reality, and you can always find a compromise.
What happens when you change and stop pleasing everyone?
New "I"
It is often difficult for others to get used to changes and therefore there is no need to treat them too strictly. Just be gentle and don't apologize for your actions because you're not doing anything wrong.
It also happens that people do not accept changes and cannot learn to value your opinion. They are already used to it. There is no need to justify yourself to them. Usually they are scattered, but all the negativity is directed at themselves. They, like you, can suppress their desires to please others and believe that this is how it should be. What is required of you too. Gradually they will cope with your change, and you should reassure them and be more tolerant.
Sometimes certain actions have a negative impact on relationships at work. So, in order not to get involved in a conflict or showdown, you should come up with each of your actions. For example, if you refuse your boss, you will simply be fired. In this case, you can please him, even if you don’t like it. After all, it's your job. Also, don’t change your appearance too much, especially if you decide to go to the bank for a loan.
The fact that you decided to change is, of course, good, but you should not blame others for such a decision. It was you who wanted to change, and not under someone else’s pressure, but personally yourself.
It takes more than one day to understand your own desires. Practice is also important. For example, if your husband suggested ordering hamburgers for dinner, but you don’t want to, then think about what you want to eat yourself and offer to order it. Don't think that your proposal will be inappropriate, try to voice it.
In the end, you must learn that in pursuit of everyone's recognition, you can run into manipulation. Therefore, you urgently need to get rid of the desire to please everyone and then no one will be able to control you.
You cannot define the boundaries of what is permitted
You always forgive others, because it is easier to do than to stand up for yourself. Even if others disrespect you, you make excuses for them. It is important to define your own boundaries of acceptable behavior so that you do not allow others to cross them with you. People who allow everything do not command respect.
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Who are the “disrespectful”
Psychologist Anna Kiryanova cites an old fairy tale about the boy Hassan as an illustration of people who are unable to show respect.
“Once upon a time, a little boy Hassan, who lived in a small village, had a string holding up his pants untied and they fell down. His relatives and neighbors laughed until they cried and remembered this incident for a long time.
Years have passed. Hassan has grown up. He left the village and became a great commander. And one day, Caliph Hasan, a great commander, brave, famous and rich, decided to visit his native village, equipping a caravan with gifts for the trip.
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However, the residents, seeing him, began to laugh again, remembering “pantsless Hassan.” Then he turned his caravan around and left his village forever.”
Disdain, ridicule, arrogance, devaluation, jealousy, envy, fawning, sometimes open aggression or constant attempts to change the topic of conversation from something pleasant to you to any other, most often unpleasant for you, memories of your mistakes, defeats, mistakes, embarrassments and complete disregard for your success and achievements - such an attitude indicates a lack of any respect.
“Disrespectful” are those who constantly refer to the past in this way because they are stuck there forever and want to leave you there too. For the same reason, they do not value your time and do not fulfill their promises to you.
Fear of loneliness
You turn your relationship into a cult, sacrificing yourself. Moreover, doing this makes you feel comfortable. Perhaps this is why you only meet bullies, narcissists and selfish people, because you allow yourself to be used.
You shouldn't have to choose between your relationship and your self-esteem. If you have to make this choice, something has gone wrong. Be bold and don't be afraid of change. Think of solitude as freedom, and you will never be on your own for long.
You don't feel loved
A man who is in love will hurt himself, but he will try to make his woman happy.
Moreover, it is quite possible to do without cheap compliments and serenades. Even a simple SMS message wishing you good morning, a passionate kiss upon meeting, a cute trinket given “just like that” are signs of the presence of feelings.
If he doesn’t even try to make you happy, then you definitely get much less than you deserve. You are worthy of love, just next to him is not your man
You think respect has to be earned
You agree that respect should be a result of action or behavior. As a result, you do not feel comfortable if your relationship with someone is equal because you strongly believe that respect must be earned. You think that a person has value only if they have done something.
The truth is that love or respect cannot be “bought.” Learn to love and be loved unconditionally, and your relationships with other people will become much easier.
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False sense of disrespect
Respect is the acceptance of another person's personality, character traits, values, opinions and actions as meaningful and important.
Only in this case is it permissible to say that the partner values his other half. The origins of women's disappointment in men lie in their own unjustified expectations. Both partners expect specific behavior that will be in tune with their personal ideas about life together.
It’s good when these ideas are adequate and do not border on fantasy. When expectations are not realistic, then the problem is rooted in the girl’s inflated claims, rather than in the disrespectful attitude of the “offender.”
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False female expectations entail a subjective feeling of disrespect, including:
- Utopian expectations of a fairy tale and an obsession with romance.
A man will not carry in his arms, serve breakfast in bed and cover the bed with rose petals. Not all male souls are so sensual; besides, the period of falling in love passes, and the production of endorphin and oxytocin (“love hormones”) decreases. - Expectation of constant time together.
It is inherent in male nature that the spouse is a predator and breadwinner for his family. Becoming like an obedient pet goes against natural instincts. - Expectation of eloquent praise and compliments.
On the contrary, they are “silent” because they are guided by the predominant left hemisphere, therefore they analyze and reflect more than they speak. - Expectation of the predominance of affection and tenderness over sexual interests.
Male sexuality is more intolerant due to physiological characteristics and the basic need for sex. - Expectation of attentiveness to personal family dates, little things and details.
Here the point is in the peculiarities of the functioning of higher nervous activity. Guys think concretely, practically, globally. If it’s your loved one’s birthday, it matters what month it is, and the date itself will get closer. - Expectation of sharing child-rearing responsibilities equally.
It seemed like a natural wish. But the father is focused on the financial and practical side of providing comfortable housing, decent education, leisure, recreation and other benefits.
In the event that such a list is a pocket notebook of claims “for every day,” the wife needs to reconsider her level of claims and make it realistic.
