Close the gestalt in relationships: how to do it right

The term "gestalt" translated from German means "image". In our lives, it is most often found in combination with the word “unfinished.” This designation indicates a complete unresolved problem from the past, an unprocessed psychological trauma, when we broke up with someone, suppressed an existing feeling, did not fulfill a promise given to another person, did not finish something and did not receive enough warmth from him. This left a heavy emotional residue on the subconscious level, which poisons further life and prevents the building of normal relationships in the future. Closing the gestalt in a relationship means working through your past, reconfiguring and restarting it in your mind.

What is an “unclosed gestalt”

“Incompleteness” in a relationship between a man and a woman is a serious emotional problem. There is a whole section dedicated to it in psychology. When it is present, there is always a desire to receive what was not given, to say what was not said. Only with the help of awareness and completion of the ended connection can you work through a difficult situation, restore internal balance and begin to build an ideal union, the stumbling block for the development of which was an unfinished romance. If you don’t do everything in your power and don’t close the gestalt in your relationship with a man, it will be extremely difficult to move on in life.

The logical conclusion of a love affair will help you achieve spiritual harmony. A closed problem means an opportunity to start life anew and not repeat the mistakes made in the past. If she remains open, the woman will constantly drag a bunch of old problems into the new union and then wonder why the same negative thing constantly happens. The concept of “closing the gestalt of past relationships” means deeply working through the past and reconfiguring it in your mind. Completely getting rid of incompleteness means that a woman should:

• Re-live the disappointment.
• Finish general business.
• Express dissatisfaction and anger.

Completing past love is difficult work on oneself, after which it will be possible to start a new life without the presence of moments in it that cause moral discomfort and dissatisfaction.

Why close the gelstatt?

It is quite difficult to close the gelstat on your own, since first of all the problem requires its full recognition and understanding, which is often denied and unattainable for an ordinary person.

An unfinished gelstat is dangerous, first of all, for the human psyche due to its constant desire for completion, forcing one to subconsciously enter into relationships with people who have previously traumatized one or partners with similar emotional qualities in search of a situation similar to a previously experienced one for its new understanding and determination of the solution necessary for completion.

Constantly experiencing emotions that have traumatized him, a person burns out emotionally, loses his internal energy and is in a state of constant stress, and his psyche begins to resemble a frozen computer program, harmless at first glance, but making the normal functioning of the operating system impossible.

Constantly conducting internal dialogues with himself, analyzing the situation and trying to find the right solution, a person lives in a state of “what would happen if...”, replaying in his mind various options for ending the event and refusing real life as a whole. The psyche, busy with self-examination, is simply not able to switch and begin to build other relationships, demanding a change in the “wrongness of what happened.”

“Unfinished gelstat” in love relationships is quite dangerous, often arising due to their sudden termination at the initiative of the partner.

A man or woman who has experienced abandonment:

1. In the event of a partner abruptly leaving the relationship, they will try to find the reasons for the traumatic action, while simultaneously imagining in their minds possible other options for the further development of events.
2. Having received an explanation of the reasons, they will try to find for themselves all sorts of justifications for their actions or inactions.

Gelstat in a relationship is a partner and it is he who is the central figure or form, and the relationship itself represents a certain “backdrop” against which events take place.

If the relationship breaks down on the initiative of one of the partners, the other has a feeling of “wrongness of what is happening”, accompanied by a feeling of incompleteness, misunderstanding and understatement, requiring to find and build on the emotional level more perfect, understandable and accessible ways of developing events that have already occurred, and not try to form new, happier relationships.

Unfinished relationships are also one of the varieties of “unclosed gelstatt”, caused by the absence of actions or words expected from a partner, despite the fact that all the individual’s efforts are aimed at achieving the desired goal. One of the varieties of such pathology is falling in love with a person who does not reciprocate, despite the constant desire of the other to win his heart.

The danger of such relationships is that, fixated on the problem, the psyche directs all the emotional forces towards a solution, in this case, getting the attention of an indifferent partner, increasing the pressure the more, the more difficult it becomes to achieve a “happy future”.

Trying to protect the psyche from stress, the subconscious helpfully creates the illusion of a planned conquest of a partner, searches and finds things that confirm the imminent achievement of the desired goal, thereby forming a gelstatt trap, which requires a rethinking of primary emotional attitudes to get out of it.

The Hidden Danger of Incompleteness

Complaints that all past partners cheated on a woman, did not appreciate her, and did not pay enough attention can often be heard. It is worth remembering that if in close relationships with different people the same negative situations arise over and over again, this means that there are mistakes in your behavior with your partner. You are constantly doing something wrong and, most likely, you are not doing anything about getting rid of incompleteness in the past. This situation may threaten you:

• pessimism;
• general dissatisfaction with life;
• internal psychological discomfort;
• mental disorders – apathy, depression;
• failures in all love affairs;
• lack of readiness for a new connection;
• the constant presence of mistrust and fears towards the new lover.

If the gestalt remains open, most of the mental energy is spent constantly maintaining the illusion of a love connection that does not exist. The mental and physical resources of women who have a history of “incompleteness” are depleted, which provokes a decrease in concentration, the appearance of irritability and insomnia.

Impact on loved ones

If only the individual himself suffered from an incomplete gestalt, then this would not be so bad.

The saddest thing is that close people are involved in the process, often innocent of anything.

This is expressed in well-known situations. For example, a child dreamed of becoming a musician, but went to study to become a lawyer because his parents decided so.

Subsequently, all his life he will try to make his child a musician without asking his desire . Although it was possible to realize your dream much later, even in a slightly different form.

Also, a girl who was once betrayed by her lover will annoy her new lovers with her jealousy and constant control.

If the breakup occurred on the eve of the wedding, then the woman may develop an obsessive desire to organize a celebration, no matter what. This will be her goal and the meaning of the relationship, not the relationship itself.

Sometimes very difficult situations . For example, a pregnancy ended in miscarriage. After this, the woman is afraid to get pregnant again, so as not to experience new grief.

The diagnosis of “chronic miscarriage” or “unexplained infertility” often has nothing to do with physical problems. The girl is absolutely healthy. What prevents her from giving birth to a child is an unfinished gestalt, which provokes a repetition of the scenario.

How to recognize that you have an unfinished gestalt

To understand that you have become addicted to past love, it is not necessary to consult a psychologist. It is enough to be attentive to your psychological state. This will allow you to notice the appearance of several disturbing emotional symptoms, indicating the presence of “unfinished work”. You can understand that you are still in captivity of the past by the following signs:

• Memories of your ex-partner cause a persistent feeling of resentment. Only their disappearance can indicate complete liberation from a painful connection.
• All newly emerging relationships with men have the same development scenario.
• The desire to compare your former and current lover persists.
• There's always this urgent need to talk about him, even if you're telling your next girlfriend what an ass he was.
• Regularly search for information about your lover who left you through friends or social networks.
• Friendship with his relatives.

All this gives some semblance of closeness and kinship with the former partner, but provokes the emergence of severe mental anguish. You can continue to live such a life for years and not take into account the arguments of reason. However, if at some point you feel a desire to free yourself from the influence of someone who abandoned you, you should understand that the time has come to complete this gestalt, leaving everything in the past in the past.

Steps to the logical end as a path to freedom

No psychotherapist will help if a person devotes all his free time to mental suffering. Only constant work on one’s own behavior and self-control will be the main step towards liberation:

READ How to get your girlfriend back after a breakup: proven methods

1. Changing route and habits. Perception and memory are influenced not only by the image of a person, but also by smells, sounds, music or surroundings. Psychologists recommend not visiting places dear to your heart, so as not to reinforce your emotions.
2. Destruction of "relics". It is advisable to get rid of things and significant gifts in one fell swoop, otherwise trinkets and photographs will remind you of past love.
3. Psychological method “Empty chair”. It is necessary to imagine your ex-partner sitting opposite - and tell him everything that is painful. It is necessary to voice grievances, complaints, talk through critical moments in relationships in order to let go of painful relationships.

If your imagination is tight or it’s difficult to talk to an empty space, you can express yourself in writing. The main task is not to send a message under any circumstances, so as not to provoke a real showdown. By writing down grievances, you can become aware of the existing problems that are preventing you from moving forward.

What does the concept of “close the gestalt” mean?

This thesis means that you must achieve, on a subconscious level, the disappearance of the need to spend energy replaying past situations and the experiences that accompany them. After this, you will be able to continue living a full life now and here, to create and build. To do this, you need to understand what exactly is left unfinished in your past, accept and work through it. For example, you notice that all your relationships with men have the same scenario:

1. You meet a man and begin to demand that he show you care and attention in everything, 24 hours a day.
2. After some time, the love affair ends.
3. You meet a new party, and the situation repeats itself exactly.

In this case, you need to think about what unfinished process remains in the past and forces you to regularly play this scenario. Who didn't give you enough care and love? You can correct the situation only by understanding which circumstance from the past has not been completed by carrying out psychological work with it.

Role-playing game

You can also cope with unfinished gelstat with the help of a role-playing game, built in the form of “what would have happened if the relationship had continued.”

For this scenario, a person may need a suitable partner, a figurehead whose task is to:

• accept an apology or ask for forgiveness;
• express your grievances and discontent;
• provide answers to questions that arise;
• point out possible errors.

By playing in this way, you can logically end a broken relationship, the main thing is to take what is happening seriously. After staging the role-playing game, a person should give free rein to his imagination and draw himself the most desired development of events.

In this case, you need to start with pleasant moments, such as a wedding and the birth of children, and then move on to the inevitable showdowns due to domestic quarrels, due to the distribution of responsibilities, difficulties with money and disobedience of children. It is necessary to present such unpleasant events in all “colors”, concentrating as much as possible on the details of fictitious events.

A person can present the formed model of “family” to his friends, recounting the “difficulties of family life”, and share fears and experiences. After a thorough discussion of the situation, the desired “liberation” comes and the separation that happened in real life will no longer be perceived as tragically as before.

At the final stage, you should simply come to terms with the situation that has arisen, realizing that compared to the events that happen every day in the world with other people, it is practically harmless.

If you are unable to cope with the problem on your own, it is recommended to contact a Gelstatt psychologist, whose task is to build and analyze the situation, as well as help you overcome the psychological trap that interferes with building further relationships.

Incomplete gelstat is a serious psychological condition that forces a person to relive a traumatic situation over and over again, becoming mentally burnt out and being in a state of prolonged stress. Dangerous in its desire for completion, gelstatt can cause severe mental distress and the impossibility of building new, happy relationships, as a result of which it requires its logical conclusion, carried out both independently and with the help of a psychologist.

How to independently close the gestalt in an ended love affair

You have serious work to do on yourself, which consists of working through the past and reconfiguring it in your consciousness. Such work will lead to changes in relationships with others and an improvement in the quality of life, but it means getting rid of psychological trauma, and therefore is painful and unpleasant. Not everyone can do this psychological work and close the gestalt on their own at once.

It is very important that you be able to give yourself the opportunity to immerse yourself in a situation that has remained unresolved and brings mental anguish, as many times as it takes to finally exhaust it. The best way to get rid of “unfinished projects” is to finish what you started. In our case, this is the final end of the relationship with a former loved one, independently dotting all the i's.

However, it is not always possible to do this in reality, so psychologists recommend resorting to psychological techniques in such a situation that can provide real help. There are three of them:

1. We need to start working through one of the situations lying on the surface that is currently causing concern. They are easy to detect: it is necessary to write down on paper everything that touches a nerve, provokes the appearance of indignation and irritation, deep melancholy.
2. Think through and list point by point what you specifically don’t like in the past situation, how exactly everything should have been, what the broken love could have taught you, what life experience it gave you. After receiving all the information about the perfect development and completion of the situation being overcome, you need to dive into it as deeply as possible and relive the pain. During re-living, it is necessary to throw out those emotions and feelings that you wanted to get rid of, but were unable to do so.
3. Reconsider your life from the experience gained, if not all of it, but at least the main points.

This tactic of closing the gestalt on relationships allows you to reduce the perception of yourself as a victim, get rid of the feeling of your own worthlessness and helplessness, and change your ideas about your personality. At the same time, you will begin to feel like a more experienced, confident and wise person.

Help from specialists

If you can’t cope with all this on your own, then seek help from a psychologist or other specialist who can help you forget about the “unfinished business.” Psychologists who help get rid of the negativity of a broken love relationship, which disrupts the quality of life, use various Gestalt therapy techniques. They are helping:

• develop consciousness;
• survive painful mental conditions and get rid of the burden of the problem;
• forget about your gestalt forever;
• start a life unencumbered by past problems with a new partner or restore an alliance with a former loved one on your own terms.

Typically, specialists use only gentle approaches in their work and gradually, without trauma to the psyche, free clients from the shackles of the past.

Some nuances of closing the gestalt

Spiritual Economics testifies: “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and prudence” (NRT, 2 Tim. 1:7).” This quotation from Scripture teaches that everything divine that is in man is manifested in a bright mind, fortitude and love. Such a weapon will help you overcome all doubts and even painlessly escape from a dead-end relationship. The main thing is not to forget about it and use it for good.

If you can close the gestalt of the former relationship, another interesting effect will open: when we begin to free the mental field from the image of the ex-boyfriend, to separate from him, for some reason he himself begins to look for a meeting and conversation. He seems to feel that he has been forgotten and, either having rethought everything, or not wanting to be abandoned, he strives to return your affection and love.

Only you can decide what to do with it. However, if you don’t mind resuming your relationship with your ex, listen to a few tips from psychologists and take them into account:

• You can’t immediately open your soul to meet him.
• The person who once abandoned you must make an effort, somehow invest in your union in order to get you back.

Otherwise, you will be faced with a repetition of the old scenario, but this should be a completely different, new and necessarily good story. Let's turn to the wisdom of the ages. In Spiritual Economics there is the following postulate: “In the same way, husbands should love their wives, love them as they love their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself." (NRT, Eph. 5:28). This means that the partner must respect and love his woman. And if your past relationship was toxic, you need to work through it on a subconscious level and change it so as not to fall into the same rake with your ex again. Even if you can’t be together, there is a chance to let new, but full-fledged, healthy relationships into your life.

What will get rid of the oppressive problem?

You may suffer endlessly from déjà vu. The constant repetition of negativity between partners will not go away until you think about how to close the gestalt in the relationship and begin to put your thoughts into action. Only after getting rid of the unfinished business from the past will you have a real opportunity to start life with a clean slate and build relationships as a couple not the way they once were, but the way you want.

It is important not to forget the wisdom of Spiritual Economy. It contains the following postulate: “Husband, show your wife due favor; likewise is a wife like her husband” (NRT, 1 Cor. 7:3). This is a statement that relationships should be with giving and reciprocity. That is, the wife must receive from her husband everything that is due to her, and respond in kind. Achieving this will become possible after closing the gestalt of the former relationship.

If you realize that your current relationship needs a reboot, pay attention to our course “How to create a harmonious relationship in which there is romance, and you are supported, understood and heard.” He will help you understand what is currently dragging you down and get rid of the burden of problems, building a happy union filled with love and respect.

The essence

The human psyche is designed in such a way that it strives to finish absolutely everything it starts. And if a task arises before her, she will spend all the body’s resources until she achieves her goal. Attention will be focused only on the goal, and even if you get distracted a little and switch gears, try to forget about it - the psyche will inevitably return you to it.

By the way, you can read the article about the Zeigarnik effect, this is essentially also an incomplete gestalt.

To make it clearer, I will give an example.