Relationships are complicated things. They cannot always be smooth, understandable, simple. Life circumstances change, people themselves change over time, and along with this, relationships between people also change.
There are probably moments in the life of every couple when living together seems absolutely meaningless. People suddenly realize that they are missing something important.
Doubts arise whether he is wasting time by staying close to his partner. But a long-term relationship is also the result of serious work, so only a few decide to cut from the shoulder in such a situation.
Many people prefer a method of temporary separation, which has become known as a pause in the relationship.
Today such pauses are not uncommon. They are often resorted to by people who are in long-term relationships and want to understand their own feelings a little.
Usually this decision is caused by a lack of mutual understanding in a couple, frequent quarrels, disagreements that have arisen over time, etc.
Temporary separation is one way to determine what the future of this couple will be, and whether there will be one at all. By taking a break, partners get the opportunity to check their feelings, understand themselves, without losing their previous relationship forever.
This is a good way to find a way out of a crisis or end a relationship less painfully.
In this article we will tell you what a pause in a relationship is, what leads to the need for a temporary separation, and how it can end.
Why do people decide to break up temporarily?
This phenomenon has long been studied in detail by professional psychologists who work in the field of personal psychology.
The main reason that leads to the decision to temporarily separate is that the partners realized that they were at an impasse. Moreover, they suddenly realize that they are experiencing alienation, and the former warmth has gone somewhere.
In this state, people want to find themselves in a different situation, to feel their own individuality, separateness from their partner. And this is not surprising, considering that the presence of a partner nearby has ceased to be a source of joy and comfort.
A pause in a relationship has the advantage of not always implying that the story will end with a final breakup. Nevertheless, quite often the pauses drag on and gradually develop into the end of the relationship.
Someone will say that if people love each other, then they don’t need any pauses, because those who love feel good together. This means that all these pauses are just one way to gently hint to your partner that the need for him has disappeared forever, and the feelings have faded away.
But life is much more complex and multifaceted. Every couple can experience crises, and this does not mean at all that feelings in this union no longer live.
At the root of such problems lie, as a rule, various circumstances that did not allow a couple or an individual partner to realize any goals or fulfill a life plan.
Despite the fact that everyone understands that life is often unpredictable, few are willing to accept the collapse of their own hopes due to starting a family.
But among the most basic factors that can lead to alienation in a union, psychologists name:
- Lack of romance. Almost all couples who are in long-term unions face this problem. It may seem that romantic nonsense is not the foundation required for a happy marriage. But without passion, without romance, without courtship and without beauty, it is impossible to maintain a harmonious relationship between the sexes. Unfortunately, after the candy-bouquet period, the romance in the couple gradually fades away. It is replaced by a dull life, life turns into “Groundhog Day”. And living in such circumstances is quite difficult. Therefore, sooner or later, monotony will bring one of the partners or both to the extreme point. A couple or one partner will decide to separate. In this situation, a temporary separation will help to take a break from each other, from everyday life, from the usual course of life. If mutual feelings are still alive in the couple, then such a measure may well save the union and refresh it.
- Lack of confidence in your partner . Complete trust in a couple is very rare, despite the fact that harmonious and healthy relationships can only be built on the foundation of mutual trust. Often one of the partners considers the other to be flighty, sometimes with good reason. As a result, the level of trust in an unreliable partner decreases, becoming lower and lower over time. A state of constant tension, worry, fear, uncertainty - all these negative feelings can ultimately lead to the first partner deciding to break up, because it will be vital for him to get rid of this negative burden and free himself from mistrust. But even in this situation, a temporary separation does not mean a complete break. Perhaps the partners just need a break from each other.
- Constant scandals . Quarrels in family life cannot be avoided, but in some couples they become an integral part of life. Moreover, each time the showdown becomes louder, brighter, more hysterical. If one of the couple has a temperament prone to conflict, and the other does not, then over time the first will mortally tire the second with his constant desire to quarrel. As a result, the second member of the couple will need a pause in the relationship in order to free themselves from the constant oppression of aggression. Quite often in such situations the pause turns into a complete break.
- Treason . This event is difficult for every couple. And not all partners are able to cope with their own feelings and solve the problem quickly and competently. Being angry and resentful, a person can make the wrong decision. Therefore, in such a situation, it would be quite reasonable to take a break from the relationship to calm down, come to your senses, check your partner and his ability to keep his word, and also decide whether you can forgive him. Often, when cheating, pauses drag on, since it can be difficult for the injured party to make a final decision in favor of maintaining or ending the relationship.
- Affairs on the side . A pause in a relationship is not always used for noble purposes. Often they hide behind it in order to try a relationship with another person whom they have liked for a long time. In this case, the person does not risk anything, because if the new relationship does not work out, he will be able to return to the previous one. But if the second member of the couple finds out that his partner has already started a new affair, then he may follow his example, and then the situation will become even more complicated.
- Severe stress . Despite the fact that it is customary for couples to help each other, in some situations a person just needs to be alone. Certain types of stress can be so severe that no amount of persuasion and support will help you get back to normal. On the contrary, the participation of another person irritates and causes aggression. In such circumstances, a break in the relationship is initiated by the partner who is in a state of stress, because he needs to solve the problems that have arisen in a calm environment, alone with himself, to experience grief or simply cope with an emotional upheaval. After this, he will be able to return to the family and continue normal communication with his partner.
- Lack of confidence in feelings . This is also a fairly common reason for breaks in relationships. Over time, people stop noticing the feelings that were previously in the couple. And both from the partner’s side and from one’s own. As a result, people wonder if these feelings exist at all? Perhaps everything has long been overgrown with cobwebs, and we are together only out of habit? To test their own relationships and return passion to them, people decide to take a break.
In most cases in which a decision is made to break a relationship, there is a real threat of its complete termination.
Therefore, you should not take this method of regulating relationships in a couple lightly. After all, the consequences can be unpredictable. It is quite easy to destroy an alliance, but it is almost impossible to gain the trust of a partner again.
What if he calls HIMSELF?!
This is quite possible. Under no circumstances should you pick up the phone right away. Answer no earlier than the fourth or fifth ring. And, of course, do not show your joy and interest. A good answer: “Speak quickly! I need to run." Answer to five plus: “Sorry, busy, I’ll call you back” (of course, there is no need to call back).
The purpose of this little exercise is to show the young man that you are not sitting at home, moping, and meditating on the phone screen. And this is his discovery No. 1. You have (suddenly!) your own life, some of your own affairs. They turn out to be important to you. And to find you and gain access to you, you need to make an effort!
Ask colleagues in the office to answer that you are busy or “with the boss.” Let him call his girlfriends, talk to your mother... The answer should be one: “I was there, I went, I didn’t say where.” Let him send SMS or voice messages - which you may listen to, or maybe not... If the guy is smart, then insight No. 2 should hit him. He must understand that your life is no longer under his control! You live on your own. So what? Didn't he decide that himself?
And finally, your “man on pause” should come to understand: you are not just on your own. You are also busy with something, you are having fun and are not bored! You have your own life and your own affairs. And this is insight number 3. Which should be followed by conclusions.
By the way, if he calls himself, this is a direct indication that you are still loved. (Despite all his “I need to think, I think I’ve fallen out of love.”) But this is not the only sign, we talk more about this in the article “Does my ex love me” >>>
What is a pause in a relationship, and how does it happen?
Each couple decides for themselves what form their break in the relationship will take. But there are several basic forms that are used most often:
- Examination. In this case, one of the partners decides to take a break in the relationship solely in order to check whether his partner will remain faithful, get bored and worry if left alone? They believe that this is the best way to understand whether their partner is serious about them, and what kind of future they might have as a couple. Unfortunately, predicting the results of such a test can be quite difficult.
- Forced pause. This is perhaps the most rational and expedient type of pause in pairs. They resort to it when a serious conflict occurs in a couple. It is much easier to think about the situation, assess the situation, draw the right conclusions and make the right decision after emotions calm down and anger, resentment and other negative feelings subside. And this will happen much faster if the source and cause of these emotions and feelings are not nearby. In a hot head, you can decide a lot of things wrong, breaking relationships that could have been successfully established. A pause allows you to look at the situation from a slightly different angle.
- Step of desperation . This type of pause is often provoked by infidelity. This is a rather hasty decision, caused by the desire to never see or be around the cheater. However, often such pauses are beneficial for the couple, as they allow them to think alone about solving the problem that has arisen and evaluate their own desire and ability to forgive their partner.
- Protest. This type represents a demonstrative departure of one of the partners, the purpose of which is the desire to show the very ability to leave without regret. At the same time, the leaving partner hopes that they will catch up with him and beg him to return. But his expectations are not always met. Therefore, you should not play on the feelings of other people and resort to cheap manipulation when it comes to your relationships.
Do not forget that relationships do not always recover successfully after a break. Consider whether you are ready for such an outcome when deciding that you need a break in the relationship.
Read below on how to behave with your partner during such a break in order to improve rather than ruin the relationship.
Not a panacea
You should understand: parting is not a solution to problems. There is no need to hope that difficulties in relationships will disappear on their own just because people have separated. For example, if you feel strong resentment because of a loved one’s misdeed or, conversely, a feeling of guilt, the decision not to see each other may become part of the path to improving the relationship, but this is definitely not enough. The absence of a person nearby does not bring forgiveness, except that it dulls the pain of resentment, and even vice versa - it inflames it.
After returning to each other, if you do not change the relationship itself, there is a high probability that soon everything will return to normal
And life together will turn into an endless series of partings. You cannot achieve a different result using old methods.
Instead of running away from problems, it is better to choose a more thorny path to solving them - it is much more difficult, but more effective.
Taking a break from a relationship according to the rules
For many people, a partner's proposal for a break can come as a complete surprise. After all, they simply have no idea what it is, what their relationship will be like, what will happen next.
Therefore, temporary separation also requires some preparation. Otherwise, if your partner is not ready for a pause, but you insist, it will most likely end in a breakup and severe resentment.
The first thing to consider is the gender of your partner. In the issue of temporary separation, a huge role is played by which partner initiates it. After all, men and women have completely different reactions to the same life events.
Basic mistakes
Initially, you need to understand that a timeout does not solve the problem. This is a method for young and ambitious boys and girls who are just learning to build relationships, play love and test the feelings of their partners. Adults use other methods: frank conversation, compromise and argumentation of their own decisions. The main misconception is that separation inflames passion. If there are no feelings, distance will lead to even greater cooling.
A pause will not help, and in some cases it will harm. Before suggesting temporary separation, you should carefully weigh everything and be prepared for any development of events.
Temporary separation initiated by a man
Men are more likely to end long-term relationships. Even the initiators of temporary breaks are more often representatives of the stronger sex.
Women tend to value more what has been built over the years. At the same time, the man seeks to directly or indirectly place responsibility for what is happening on the side of his partner.
For men, thoughts about ending a relationship forever or temporarily arise quite often. Most often, the reason for this is a common misunderstanding, a reluctance to understand your partner, as well as women’s demands, which from the male side look like whims.
If a man notices real problems in the relationship, but seeks to maintain the union through a temporary break, then he needs to convey to the woman his opinion in the optimal form that they need a pause in the relationship. How should a man behave in this situation:
- Analyze the relationship. It is necessary to admit that a man’s attitude towards his chosen one has changed, and to understand what exactly led to this change. If the reason was some kind of misconduct by a woman, and it is quite serious, then a pause is really necessary so as not to escalate the situation and not bring the union to complete disintegration. All this needs to be explained to the woman in an accessible form, so that she also understands the need for a temporary break.
- Set priorities . Typically, men experience a temporary breakup more easily, especially if it was initiated by them. But in such a situation, you need to pay maximum attention to the woman’s condition. We need to convince her that this is not the end of the relationship, but a reboot. But if after some time a man realizes that he has completely cooled down to his former passion, then he will need to immediately inform her about this so as not to give false hope.
- Determining the timing of the break. It is very important for a woman to know exactly what period a man means when he proposes to separate temporarily. This will make it easier for her to pass this test. However, the certainty of the terms of separation does not guarantee that the woman will not decide to completely end the relationship even before its expiration.
No support
In a relationship, it is important to encourage your partner when he achieves something, and to provide support if he is surrounded by troubles. In this case, the process must be mutual. If this does not happen, the relationship resembles communication of the “parent-child” type: one educates, takes care of, and the other only uses. This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship that you should leave.
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Temporary separation initiated by a woman
A pause in a relationship initiated by a girl is quite rare. But at the same time, such decisions are more justified than those initiated by a man, because women feel relationships much more subtly and know when it’s time for them to shake things up.
But when announcing their decision to their partner, girls also need to follow certain rules:
- Preparation. You cannot dump this decision on your partner suddenly and in the form of an ultimatum. You need to start from afar, gradually explaining what is wrong in the relationship and what needs to be done in order to bring it back to normal. It would be nice to give an example from life when a temporary break only benefited the couple.
- Choose the right moment. There is no need to “finish off” your man with the news of your decision when he has problems at work or personal troubles, or even just a bad mood. This attitude will not play in your favor, demonstrating your disregard for your partner. Perhaps in the future he will decide that he also needs to treat you more coldly, and agree to restore the relationship only under this condition.
- Choose the right words. The information must be provided comprehensive, complete and understandable. But it must be provided in a kind and gentle voice, without shouting, without tension. At the same time, your partner should not have any erroneous illusions about your current situation. But I must understand what decision you made.
How to take a time-out correctly?
It is important to remember that a pause is a big risk. Last resort. If you really can’t come to an agreement, then the first thing you need to do is watch your speech and its manner. There should be no reproaches, much less insults.
It is advisable not to completely stop communication. Reduce it to a neutral level, but maintain it with at least one message every two days. Do not try to put pressure and manipulate a partner who has decided to take a break. Give time to understand yourself, but subtly hint that he/she is not alone in the universe, and not its center, so you cannot wait forever.
Try to find out what exactly you are not satisfied with, if possible, correct the shortcomings. If not, the pause loses its meaning; it’s better to immediately separate and plan the future without this person.
Behavior of partners during a temporary break
In order for both partners to feel more or less comfortable in new circumstances, it is necessary to adhere to the following recommendations:
- Eliminate pressure. After the partners have discussed the decision to temporarily separate, it is important that they share their feelings on this matter in a discreet manner, but do not torment each other with constant confessions, phone calls, and messages. All pressure on each other must be eliminated. Otherwise, a temporary break will not have any effect, but will only speed up the separation process;
- Do not use unethical methods . These include various types of manipulation: intimidation, refusal to communicate with children, conversations about suicide, etc.
- Communication from time to time. Partners should not completely exclude each other from their lives. Rare communication is necessary so as not to forget each other. But it must take place in a friendly and conflict-free manner;
- Summarizing . After enough time has passed, the partners should meet and talk, evaluate the results that were achieved during the temporary separation. This is the point at which the future fate of the relationship must be decided.
It is very important to correctly determine the correct line of behavior for both partners during this period. She is the one who can help maintain relationships even in difficult times.
You have to tread carefully
The most important thing is to do everything possible on your part, and if there is no response, you just need to accept it, and not torment yourself with unrequited love. Lovers often go to two extremes:
- excessive secrecy, fear of saying a word about one’s own feelings;
- when there is no longer any strength to endure and emotions have reached the limit, a literal volcanic eruption occurs - streams of lava burst out, burning everything in its path, including the slightest chance of reconciliation.
Beware of both of these two evils, look for a middle ground, be yourself, because wearing a mask and being good, feeling that they wanted to spit on you, will not always work.
To be or not to be?
The last two points, as you understand, will not lead to anything good. Therefore, before deciding whether you need this temporary separation or not, analyze the reason.
Or do you both just need to go on vacation for a week, unwind, and change the environment? Give each other personal space and time for themselves: for example, a bachelorette party for you, fishing for him?
And there are a million more options: go to a psychologist, get training, shift the focus from your partner to personal growth and yourself, find time for a hobby.
Reanimating feelings or ending an unclear relationship is not an easy decision, neither one nor the other.
Why are you stuck in an unclear relationship? I’ll tell you in detail on mine.
There are no guarantees for a “pause”. There will be nothing left to restore, as an option. Everything is individual here, perhaps in your case it will work to your advantage. What could be positive?
the opportunity to relax and be alone with yourself; think everything over and evaluate, reevaluate, analyze; understand how much you really need each other, whether you can live without this person or whether he is still missing; miss each other; draw conclusions, think through a strategy for your future; recharge emotionally; understand that you have lost, even “pretend”, something important, and understand the value of a partner in your life, look at him in a new way; feel the power of your emotional connection and love, if this is it, and not habit and comfort.
Break rules
There are no clear rules on how to behave, but there are certain points that you should pay attention to:
- Set deadlines for reflection. There is no need to let everything take its course and separate for an indefinite period of time. It takes 3-5 days to think about the situation and sort out your feelings.
- Don't hope for a miracle. If the relationship does not work out and passions have stopped raging, you should not hope for a bright renewal of feelings. In this situation, a complete break is more likely than a magical reconciliation.
- No need to push. If you are given time to think and make the right decision, let it be independent. You should not impose your opinion, vision, threaten, or resort to manipulation.
- Don't do anything stupid. A break is not a break yet. You shouldn’t immediately rush into the arms of other partners, don’t care about past relationships. At this time, you should seriously think about the union, feelings and the future. The decision must be announced as soon as it is made.
You should not delay the result. If you have warm feelings, two days will be enough to realize your mistakes. Then you can take steps towards reconciliation. When there is no love, you also need to set the record straight and untie your and your partner’s hands.
