A feeling of injustice and wounded pride, bitterness, indignation, and condemnation fill the mind of a woman who is offended by her man. What could be the consequences of resentment if a woman gets stuck in it, and how to avoid the destructive effects of this feeling, says the psychologist.
If you are a wife who honestly remained faithful to her husband for 20 years, ran a household, raised children, and at the same time managed to carry work on herself, then the news that your husband has a young mistress will be devastating and devastating for you. Or maybe it’s not even his mistress who has appeared, but he’s just secretly chatting with someone on Viber, innocently explaining: “We have nothing with her.” Or cracking: “It was just sex and it didn’t mean anything to me.”
A characteristic feature of resentment is that a person keeps it within himself and does not show it in any way.
And it happens that a man made it clear: you can count on his help, attention, but at the last moment it turns out that he has other plans.
The reaction to all these situations is different in intensity, but the same in essence. Pain, disappointment, loss. And at the same time - a strong insult. It stays inside and accumulates over time.
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A psychologist who, in this situation, immediately advises the client to look for the reasons for what happened within herself risks running into rudeness. “Are you trying to say that I myself am also to blame for the fact that I was deceived/betrayed/pissed off?” It is as if a person is being confronted with his own helplessness. And in this situation you really need to be very tactful, sensitive and careful. It is necessary to understand what kind of feelings the client is experiencing, and then find out what beliefs and thoughts are behind these feelings. Because feelings don't appear out of nowhere .
Resentment is a complex, complex emotion consisting of several components: anger, disappointment, pain and helplessness. A characteristic feature of resentment is that a person keeps it within himself and does not show it in any way. He seeks to cut off communication with the offender, to distance himself physically or psychologically. At the same time, a desire for revenge brews inside him, and the person begins to fantasize about how this revenge will be carried out. In the most severe case, this form of revenge can be suicide as a last resort to attract the attention of the offender and force them to repent of their actions.
Resentment is gunpowder that ends up inside a person and begins destructive work there.
By being offended, a person feels pain, and the energy of anger is naturally generated in him, which is necessary as fuel to influence the situation and free himself from pain. But if a person has a strong conviction that no action can lead to a satisfactory result, then the motivation to do something disappears.
Psychologists note that being offended is a kind of habit that goes back to early childhood. A child who feels helpless can only hide in a corner and pout to demonstrate his disagreement. Thus, he accumulates energy inside, but this energy is not at all useful for him.
One metaphor for resentment is the burning coals that a person gathers in his palms, waiting for the right moment to throw them at the offender, but in the process burns himself. This encapsulated gunpowder ends up inside the person himself and begins destructive work there, corroding and burning his health and his soul from the inside. “Resentment is a poison that we take ourselves, in the hope that another will be poisoned,” says popular wisdom.
How can I make it do what I want?
It’s easier with external, physical boundaries.
They are visible. However, if someone carelessly violates this external boundary (for example, steps on your foot on a tram), the effect is the same - pain. People know what distance is acceptable to approach and what is not. Internal, invisible boundaries are no longer intended to protect our body, but our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. If we feel these boundaries, then we consider ourselves responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, rather than blaming others.
And awareness of our own internal boundaries allows us to refrain from taking responsibility for someone else's thoughts, feelings and behavior. If we know where our personality ends and another begins (even if it is a husband or son), then we will not allow ourselves to control or manipulate the behavior of another.
I met many people who asked me, a doctor, essentially the same question: “How to make him love me?” Or: “How to get him to undergo treatment”, “stop drinking”, “think the way I want”, etc.? “How should I behave so that he does what I want?”
But no one can be forced to do, think, feel something - this would be a blatant violation of a person’s internal boundaries. After such an invasion into the inner world, close relationships can only collapse, and people will become distant and strangers forever.
Teachers think they can force children to learn. They are mistaken. Children are freedom-loving and independent. They won't do anything they don't want to do. If there is interest, they will study; if there is no interest, you can do whatever you want with them, the result will be disastrous.
A man should be an ideal human being who makes no mistakes and has no complexes
Paradoxically, in order for a person to experience pain and disappointment, he must first experience certain pleasant expectations. For example, if we go to donate blood, we do not expect it to be fun and comfortable, and, accordingly, we are not disappointed.
Expectations are a consequence of agreements or socially formed stereotypes. For example, there is this expectation: a husband should always be faithful to his wife, help her, take care of her needs, support her for the rest of her life, help with the child, and in general, most of a man's time and resources should belong to the family. At the same time, there is no talk about what conditions are needed for this expectation to come true (and whether it is realistic in general).
But let's think about these conditions.
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Firstly, a man must be an ideal human being who makes no mistakes and has no complexes. He must be able to understand a woman and her needs, earn good money, not need rest, friends and impressions, and, in addition, also be able to deal with children.
If you come across one, please let me know.
And secondly, nothing is said about the fact that at the other end of this connection there is a wife, and she also owes something. It is very, very rare that a woman is able to accept that she is also not the ideal embodiment of men’s dreams. Even if he doesn’t walk to the left, he raises children and maintains the household. Perhaps the role of the wife is more multifaceted and complex? An offended woman, as a rule, firmly stands on the conviction that for her part she has done everything that was required of her. But she ran into injustice, cruelty and baseness on the other side.
I don't know a single man who always behaves impeccably towards his woman
In my work, I came across the fact that a woman experienced the deepest resentment if she married a man mainly because he took very good care of her at the courtship stage, showed attention and love.
And she formed the expectation that it would always be like this. This means you can marry this person and have a child from him. I'm not sure if you see this, but from a psychological point of view, this is a consumer position. At the center of this family is a woman and her fruit is a child. And if in such a family a man is suddenly suspected of treason, then this begins!..
But there is another type of family. When a woman knows for sure that she has made her choice and wants to be with this man. She sees in him value, important qualities and talents, in his work - meaning, in his ideas - valuable grain and breadth of views. She is pleased to be useful to him, to participate with him in something joint. And when sloppy treatment comes from such a man, then the situation is different.
By the way, I must say that I don’t know a single man who would always behave impeccably towards his woman. As in the joke about the ideal man: such a man does not drink beer, does not hang out on the Internet, does not throw socks around, does not piss off - and does not exist.
In reality, men and women find it difficult to understand each other, and a woman who expects her husband to understand her as well as her best friend will inevitably be disappointed. Therefore, leaving open the possibility that one day you will have to confront your partner’s unpleasant behavior is a realistic and mature approach. Another thing is that in this situation you need to be able to react correctly. And before entering into a serious relationship, you need to figure out whether the man recognizes the equality of a woman in a union and her right to be treated with respect.
It’s difficult to admit that you want to receive attention, affection, recognition from the offender
In any spiritual tradition, resentment is considered a completely inharmonious state, and it is recommended to remove it from the soul by forgiving your offender. By the way, despite all the harmfulness of the state of resentment, silent and humble forgiveness of tyranny or deception towards oneself, from the point of view of psychology, leads to the state of victim. And also to the gradual acceptance of the position: others have the right to treat me as they please.
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And this is hardly compatible with high self-esteem, safety and comfort. Therefore, it is so important to understand and express your emotions and needs and do this in a manner that is respectful to the interlocutor, without reproaches or insults. It is important to be able to express how painful or unpleasant this or that treatment was, to be able to explain why this is so, what meanings are behind certain actions (emphasizing your unimportance, lack of love, value).
Another important skill that is often lacking in working with resentment is the ability to recognize an unmet need that lies much deeper than the resentment. People can hang around for a long time and passionately in experiencing their resentment and savoring injustice, but it is much more difficult to admit that in fact they want to receive attention, affection, and recognition from the offender.
To do this, you need to admit to yourself that this person is very important to you and you need something from him. This is no longer a position of strength, but a position of request and vulnerability. Admitting that you need something can sometimes be inexpressibly difficult, but without this it is impossible to get what you want and achieve a harmonious state.
If the situation of resentment has been discussed, needs have been expressed, requests have been formulated, tears have been cried and some kind of response has been received from the other side, then forgiveness comes by itself, because a sincere person does not seek to remain in a state of resentment for a long time.
If a woman knows for sure that being with this man is her decision, she strives to do the work associated with emotional unloading as quickly as possible. She knows how to see: the good that exists in a relationship is immeasurably greater than the negativity associated with resentment.
It’s another matter when a woman sees a man as a convenient provider of resources for the implementation of her family project. Then any attempt by a man to be distracted by personal interests not related to the family will be mercilessly punished by resentment, which in this case is nothing more than controlling the behavior of another person. Such a woman will not strive to free herself from resentment, because otherwise she will lose her only leverage over her husband.
Basic Rule
If you don’t know how to overcome resentment towards your husband, then use this advice. If the cause of the conflict was not the betrayal of the spouse, but only some incorrect actions and spoken words, then it is necessary to have a preventive conversation.
In most cases, partners in relationships are offended by rudeness that was spoken to them. Explain to your spouse what exactly hooked you.
There is a golden rule: if nothing helps you cope with the desire to quarrel, then do it, but only without humiliation and insults. Everyone swears, you can’t do without it. Each person has his own emotions, experiences, views on life. And even people who love each other can have hundreds of differences and differences of opinion.
