In this article we will tell you:
- 4 types of touchy men
- 7 things that almost every man will be offended by
- Peculiarities of behavior of offended men
- What to do if a man is seriously offended
- 9 tips on how to properly ask a man for forgiveness
- 3 recommendations for “preventing” grievances
Oddly enough, some women have no idea what to do if they suddenly offend a man. Moreover, they really offend people when it’s simply not possible to pretend that nothing significant happened, much less turn everything into a joke.
Let’s say right away: the strategy “everything will work out anyway” will not work here, and you cannot let things take their course. If you do this, there is a risk that the crack that has formed between the partners will begin to expand. And all this can end sadly.
What to do if a man is seriously offended
properly presented apology is the key to the result you need. Let's look at the advice of psychologists on what you can do if you have offended a man and are to blame for it yourself.
- Give the man time to calm down.
If you have offended your loved one and have absolutely no idea what to do next, then it is better to give him time to calm down, digest what happened, and be alone. He may not want to explain himself, and your desire to find out everything will only make the situation worse. When you feel that he is ready to “get out” of the offense, then you need to provide him with attention and care. Talk and admit that you are sorry, you were wrong. In the end, just ask him for forgiveness. The only thing you shouldn't do is make excuses. Say that you will try to reconsider your views and not repeat mistakes. All this should be said confidently, clearly, but gently.
- Don't ignore the man.
It is impossible not to notice a man’s offense or his unusual behavior. The fastest and easiest way out of this situation is to discuss it. In this case, you should speak calmly and judiciously, take care of your loved one’s feelings.
- Show empathy.
You know your man better than anyone. Perhaps you need to feel sorry for him, and he will calm down. Show feminine sensitivity. You cannot remain indifferent when your husband is sad next to you. Take care of him, comfort him, give him affection and apologize. It is easier for girls to admit their mistakes. Even if you are not entirely sure of your own guilt, give in, but just a little. This will be your step towards reconciliation.
Who should change: the offender or the offended?
Let's consider the situation: a couple quarreled. Big, with a scandal. Everyone feels like a victim. The woman thinks: “He’s a man, let him apologize first. After all, I was right.”
The man thinks: “How much is possible? I always give in to her, let her realize her mistakes.” Nobody wants to make contact; a local cold war is unfolding in the house.
What happens? Everyone thinks he is right. As a result, the man cannot stand the “silence”, packs his things and goes to spend the night with friends, and the woman is left in tears to experience a new family tragedy.
Only the two of you can build a normal relationship. Even if you consider yourself a superwoman, it is impossible to hold a collapsing marriage on your shoulders alone. Therefore, the most important thing is to find a compromise, a middle ground.
- If you give in all the time, this is the position of a victim . You don't tell him, “Stop. I feel hurt, offended, unpleasant. Please change your attitude towards me.” You simply endure silently and the accumulated negative energy periodically results in major quarrels.
- If a man often makes concessions, this is pure manipulation . Let's assume he told something harsh but true. And what does he see? Shaking lips, eyes full of tears, hands folded in a prayer gesture. The man feels guilty and gradually begins to hate you and himself for it.
- Nobody wants to be the first to make peace . Stalemate situation. Both of you are in the waiting mode “what if it resolves itself.” Relationships are a constant series of compromises, and you just bump heads and check whose is stronger.
The “give-receive” balance is disrupted and a claim arises as an overcorrection. With her reproaches and claims, the woman seems to be billing the man: “I gave you everything I could. But you don’t appreciate it.”
She acutely senses injustice: she spent all her energy and received nothing in return.
Constantly ignoring one’s needs, desires, needs gives rise to claims, irritation, and hatred (including towards oneself for the inability to say “no”).
That is why both partners must take part in reviving the relationship. Otherwise, it will again be a one-goal game.
It’s difficult to admit that you want to receive attention, affection, recognition from the offender
In any spiritual tradition, resentment is considered a completely inharmonious state, and it is recommended to remove it from the soul by forgiving your offender. By the way, despite all the harmfulness of the state of resentment, silent and humble forgiveness of tyranny or deception towards oneself, from the point of view of psychology, leads to the state of victim. And also to the gradual acceptance of the position: others have the right to treat me as they please.
Follow Econet on Pinterest!
And this is hardly compatible with high self-esteem, safety and comfort. Therefore, it is so important to understand and express your emotions and needs and do this in a manner that is respectful to the interlocutor, without reproaches or insults. It is important to be able to express how painful or unpleasant this or that treatment was, to be able to explain why this is so, what meanings are behind certain actions (emphasizing your unimportance, lack of love, value).
Another important skill that is often lacking in working with resentment is the ability to recognize an unmet need that lies much deeper than the resentment. People can hang around for a long time and passionately in experiencing their resentment and savoring injustice, but it is much more difficult to admit that in fact they want to receive attention, affection, and recognition from the offender.
To do this, you need to admit to yourself that this person is very important to you and you need something from him. This is no longer a position of strength, but a position of request and vulnerability. Admitting that you need something can sometimes be inexpressibly difficult, but without this it is impossible to get what you want and achieve a harmonious state.
If the situation of resentment has been discussed, needs have been expressed, requests have been formulated, tears have been cried and some kind of response has been received from the other side, then forgiveness comes by itself, because a sincere person does not seek to remain in a state of resentment for a long time.
If a woman knows for sure that being with this man is her decision, she strives to do the work associated with emotional unloading as quickly as possible. She knows how to see: the good that exists in a relationship is immeasurably greater than the negativity associated with resentment.
It’s another matter when a woman sees a man as a convenient provider of resources for the implementation of her family project. Then any attempt by a man to be distracted by personal interests not related to the family will be mercilessly punished by resentment, which in this case is nothing more than controlling the behavior of another person. Such a woman will not strive to free herself from resentment, because otherwise she will lose her only leverage over her husband.
Hostages of straight lines
Their entire psyche is conventionally shaped like a square, where all the edges are perfectly smooth, not tolerating the slightest distortion. This is reflected in thoughts and actions: everything should be equal, even. Resentment appears when the balance of subjective justice is disturbed. When their efforts were not rewarded with praise, recognition, respect, etc. They expect exactly the same actions and gratitude from the other person, and if this does not happen, they experience a feeling of deprivation, and a distortion occurs. The resulting misalignment causes severe discomfort and requires alignment.
At the same time, their expectations from other people are subjective and do not take into account the fact that we are all different, with different values and priorities. For example, women with an anal vector are naturally caring, loyal, honest and constant. By giving away their properties, they expect that the man will accept them with gratitude and respond in kind; as a result, a feeling of comfort will appear from such an equivalent exchange.
But it is set by nature in such a way that anal women are attracted to men with a skin vector who have contrasting properties: instead of constancy - variability, instead of the value of respect and honesty - benefit, flexibility and adaptability. It turns out that he doesn’t even understand what is expected of him at all, since he judges through himself in the same way. He can earn good money and provide for you, but he can easily forget about your memorable date and may not thank you for something. Insufficiently fulfilled skinned men are prone to cheating - this is how their need for novelty seeks fulfillment. For them, family is not a super value, but for women with an anal vector it is the holy of holies.
The importance of first experience
For anal people, there is always a fixation on the first experience, through which they perceive the world. We experience our very first interactions with people in childhood through relationships with our parents. It is from there that the first grievances begin, and then the grievance can be transferred to other people, entire groups, to the world as a whole, or to oneself.
If in childhood the mother did not value the obedience of children with an anal vector, she hurried, not understanding that haste is stressful for them, did not allow them to finish what they started, did not praise them for good deeds, then even then their inner square of the psyche is skewed, creating the precondition for states of resentment.
Why do you like to manipulate?
Manipulation is another inner demon. Why do I call it that? Because this is not just human idiocy. This is human idiocy that most people will never give up.
After all, in reality, if you are a woman and have been sleeping with a man for a long time, and have even fallen in love with him, then most likely you are holding him by the balls. And you can just issue an ultimatum and get what you want.
So you are putting forward an ultimatum. Part of you may realize that this is manipulation - you are using fear to get your way. But will you give up your desire to manipulate?
It is difficult to refuse this, because you want to get what you want. And you know that by manipulating, you will achieve this. Your ego will not want to let go of the desire to manipulate other people.
But if you show the proper zeal and work through it to the fullest, you will also work through this.
But I need them.
That is, manipulations based not only on the desire to cause fear in a person, but also on lies.
I don't want him to get a divorce, I just need to be more important than her.
ChSV of the purest water.
How to get rid of grievances?
Dialogue
Sit down and talk: do not remain silent, do not wait until emotions begin to tear you apart from the inside, but tell the man what does not suit you.
It often happens that your partner does not even realize that he is offending you. He is not a psychic and not such a sensitive person. So tell him how you feel.
Incorrect : “I’m tired of constant humiliation. You’re doing everything wrong.”
Correct : “Please don't criticize me. You are hurting me with your sarcastic remarks.”
Your words should not sound like a claim. You simply express your point of view and listen to his opinion.
Work through your feelings.
Analyze what exactly bothers you. There is a simple practice: take paper, pen and write down the grievances that you associate with this person. Now analyze your list. Divide it into three categories:
- Grievances are situational . In which a person is really to blame. For example, “called me stupid,” “didn’t pick up the child from kindergarten,” or “forgot about our wedding anniversary.”
- Trauma from childhood or previous relationships . Imagine: Katya was dating a guy. The relationship developed, things were heading towards marriage. Only unexpectedly did Katya find out that her beloved had a long-standing affair with a colleague. So there was a logical explanation for his extracurricular work and business trips. The girl enters into a new relationship, but the trauma remains. And when her current man doesn’t warn about delays at the office and doesn’t answer the phone for a long time, Katya gets offended. Because she has a negative experience that she is afraid to repeat.
- Your unjustified hopes . Often grievances arise due to wounded pride or illusions that are far from reality. Ira always wanted a man to solve all problems with one call, and she married a man with a gentle character. He is not bad, just in her opinion he is not decisive, courageous, or persistent enough. Ira tries in every possible way to fashion an ideal man for herself out of her partner, but nothing works out for her. She wants him to go to work for a large IT company, but he is happy in his old, less paid position. They regularly have conflicts based on divergent interests, and this really offends Ira, because she wants what’s best.
Resentments from the first and second categories need to be worked out and discussed with your partner. Talk about your fears, suspicions, pains, dissatisfaction - only then will the relationship be truly trusting.
The third category is special. It contains your personal complaints regarding this man. He is not what you want him to be. And you have two options:
- Accept him.
- Try to change at your own discretion and destroy the marriage with your own hands.
Understand one truth: your claims, reproaches and lectures will not change a man. He is already a formed personality.
You can motivate him, support him, guide him, but you won’t force him to become a different person. And if you are not ready to come to terms with his shortcomings, your relationship is doomed to failure.
Find forgiveness
“I will never forgive him!” – this is the most incorrect and destructive attitude. Only soap opera heroes can live in a state of eternal resentment and hatred.
Destructive feelings destroy relationships and interfere with normal life. It is easiest to forgive a person who has realized his guilt.
Convince yourself that your personal boundaries have been restored, the man has realized his mistake and let go of the situation. If he insists that he is right, it is worth analyzing what happened.
Sometimes you need the help of a third party - a psychologist, a guide who will help you understand and rethink what happened, and get rid of negative emotions.
Learn not to be offended, but to solve the problem
You quarreled with your husband, you want to close yourself off, keep your distance, make him suffer. Just ask yourself the question: “How can you solve this problem differently”?
Finding compromises and normal dialogue is where you need to direct your energy. Don’t accumulate grievances, don’t destroy yourself from the inside, but correct the situation.
Allow yourself to release negative emotions. Some people find it helpful to talk with a friend, meditate, while others find it helpful to go for an intense run or exercise at the gym.
Your views on life
Accept the fact that every person sees this world differently. A man does not always live up to your expectations and does not always live up to your expectations.
But you also make mistakes! And don’t always ask for forgiveness for them. Pride, shame, fear do not allow.
