How to cope with your husband's betrayal: advice from a psychologist. Should you forgive your husband's betrayal?

November 22, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Marusya the Cat

Many women want to know how to cope with their husband's cheating. This situation, unfortunately, is not uncommon. However, each case is inherently individual.

Some ladies prefer to quickly forget this sad story, others remember it for the rest of their lives, and still others break off the relationship and file for divorce. Experienced psychologists are ready to share their recommendations on how to survive such a situation.

Psychology of betrayal

The situation when a husband cheats on his wife, unfortunately, is not uncommon. By nature, men are polygamous, so they have a desire for diversity. There are two main reasons forcing representatives of the stronger sex to take this step. The first is a thirst for sexual variety. The second is the desire to add a little spice to bland family everyday life. If we consider the second reason, then we need to pay attention to the following aspects:

Lack of understanding. If there is no mutual understanding in the family, sooner or later a man will go in search of a woman who can become his like-minded person.
The grumpy nature of the spouse. If a wife is constantly dissatisfied with something, but cannot correctly formulate her demands (she prefers to silently be offended, grumble, quarrel, tactlessly sort things out), the man will go to a more affectionate and flexible friend.
Appearance. Often the reason for cheating is the wife’s reluctance to take care of herself. The man stops receiving aesthetic pleasure from her appearance and leaves for someone else.
Thirst for new conquests. Some guys themselves cannot even characterize cheating and clearly explain its reason. Even with ideal family relationships, they look for adventures on the side.
Instinct. There is a category of men who cannot calmly react to female beauty. As soon as they see an attractive woman, they immediately forget that they are connected by marriage.
Adrenalin. Some guys can't do without adrenaline; they don't like the calm flow of life. The thirst for risk and new sensations pushes them to take such a step.

Why husbands cheat but don't leave the family

Despite the large percentage of crisis families affected by infidelity on the part of a spouse, not all of them end in divorce. Why do husbands cheat on their wives, but do not leave them? What is it - weakness, cowardice or a desire to sit on two chairs?

Psychologists say that there are plenty of reasons to live in two families, but the main one is comfort. Yes, it is convenient for husbands to be with two women at once. One dear, faithful, legal, with whom many grindings and tests have been passed. She will feed, heal, arrange life, raise children. I don't want to leave this one. The other is emotional, passionate, free, unpredictable, interesting. The mistress does not demand anything, but she herself is not ready to make sacrifices, which is what keeps her partner on the hook. If both women complement each other, it brings harmony to a man's life. The husband may not even love his wife, but in this case he will never leave the family.

In addition, there are a number of social reasons why husbands cheat but don’t leave:

condemnation of relatives, unnecessary questions, painful conversations about family values;
presence of common children;
fear of falling in the eyes of others (if a man’s status obliges him to look like a positive hero);
material well-being (suddenly you will have to divide jointly acquired property);
reluctance to enter into open conflict with the spouse;
fear of changing your own life (it’s one thing to drop in on your mistress for a couple of hours, and another thing to live with a practically unknown woman in someone else’s house, get used to her, change your foundations);
frivolity of the affair - not all men fall in love with the women they cheat with, some are simply distracted or have fun in this way;
love for your wife.

In general, do husbands leave their families for their mistresses? Statistics say that this happens rarely, only in 10 cases out of 100, but if it does happen, then half of them always return back to their wife.

Signs of betrayal

Don’t panic if the thought is constantly spinning in your head: “I suspect my husband of cheating, how should I behave?” You need to find out whether the man is actually cheating. Perhaps this is just your erroneous assumption.

In some cases, intuition turns on - you feel betrayal on a subconscious level. However, most often this is simply a figment of the imagination of a loving woman. To verify the presence or absence of infidelity, you need to turn to the recommendations of specialists. They distinguish the following changes in the behavior of an unfaithful spouse:

Nervousness and irritability. The man constantly avoids communication, reacts sharply and aggressively to any comment from his wife, and is often in a bad mood.
Overtime and business travel. Lovers need to meet, and this does not fit into a man’s current life, since he needs to return home from work on time. This is where emergency situations and sudden business trips arise.
Secret communication. The guy starts hiding his phone, never lets it out of his hands, and goes out to negotiate if there is a call to another room.
Increased attention to your appearance. A particularly careful selection of clothes, regular changes of underwear, visits to salons and gyms, if previously this time was used for watching TV or other recreation with the family, suggests that the man has a mistress.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.

Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:

the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
presence of children;
one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.

Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.

How do wives find out about their husbands' cheating?

All of the above signs are not always a consequence of the fact that a man is cheating. They may just be a banal coincidence. To be completely sure, a woman needs to look more closely at her husband’s behavior. Here are a few additional signs that indicate that the husband has a mistress:

Called you by a different name. If this happened by accident, and the husband has nothing to fear, his reaction will be calm. If he himself is afraid of the spoken name or does it repeatedly, there is reason to doubt his loyalty.
My husband's expenses have increased. Since additional funds need to be spent on a mistress, the husband may have problems with money.
Traces of cosmetics and perfumes appeared on clothes (lipstick, powder, perfume).
Traces of female presence in the car (hair, hairpins, lipstick, underwear, persistent aroma of perfume).
Scratches appeared on the body (for example, on the back) and face.

Why did my husband cheat all my life?

In the article Which men cheat, I described several types of men who are prone to cheating. As you will understand after reading, they cheat for the most part not because of their wife’s naivety, but because they themselves have problems. Most likely with self-esteem. Because there was a difficult upbringing, difficult family settings, problems in relationships. But one way or another, the man simply did not consider it necessary to solve these problems. Men prone to cheating sincerely believe that this is a normal format of family life. They don’t know why they need to be faithful to their wife.

If a man has always lived with the confidence that cheating is acceptable, then why did you, the wife, have to prove the opposite to him when we met? After all, this is not a mandatory point before the wedding: “exchange rings, discuss the topic of betrayal, kiss.” Not only you and he are to blame for his betrayal, but also that woman, plus the circumstances. These are not excuses. This is an opportunity to think about why these circumstances are the way they are and what you can both do about them.

Types of betrayal

The situation when a husband cheats on his wife can be serious or spontaneous. In each individual case, the woman is advised to figure out why this happened. Psychologists identify the following types of betrayal:

Spiritual. Here we are talking about spiritual intimacy. Your spouse is happy with his new girlfriend, but you tire him or even annoy him. His mistress shares his views, supports him, and helps him assert himself. The man practically starts a new life with her, in which he is satisfied with everything.
Planned. It lies in the fact that your husband wants to find someone on the side. He thinks through all the details of his life on two fronts in order to avoid possible problems.
Spontaneous. The husband became a banal victim of circumstances that pushed him to cheat. The reason may be a long separation from his wife, stress, excessive emotionality, alcohol and other factors.
Ordinary. There are men who lead this lifestyle. They allow themselves to cheat even when they are satisfied with everything about their wife. They cannot do otherwise, because they constantly strive for change and vivid sensations. To put up with this or not is a woman’s choice.

Accepting betrayal

How to deal with your husband's cheating? Before making a final decision on further actions, you need to prepare for this mentally. It is necessary to conduct a thorough analysis of everything that is happening. First, you need to calm down. It is very difficult to cope with the emotions and pain that is present in the chest. But you need to pull yourself together.

The statistics of male infidelity are catastrophic. You need to try to understand that this is not the worst thing in life, because everyone is still alive and well. Circumstances just changed. Perhaps this is even for the better.

Straight Talk

How to deal with your husband's cheating? There is no universal advice, but there are several recommendations that will help clarify the situation. If you suspect cheating and are trying to make sure of it, then you need this in order to properly plan your future life.

Try to call your husband for a frank conversation. At the same time, you need to look calm. Avoid loud voices, shouting, tears, insults, or threats. Make it a point to be your husband's friend for a while and let him have his say. Try to find out the reason for the betrayal, listen to your fiancé’s version, and demonstrate your readiness to help him. This will discourage your man. He will no longer feel like he is in charge of the situation.

Revenge

You must understand that now the main thing is to concentrate on the relationship with your husband, determine the reasons that led to this result and try to patch up the holes in them, and not think about your rival or the place with her. Never compare yourself to her and don’t even think about dating her. This chance will give her some advantage over you.

Throwing tantrums

If you make a scandal and throw tantrums at your husband, then such destructive behavior will definitely lead to an inevitable breakup. Even if you are in unbearable pain, still try to talk to him calmly, without presenting any ultimatums to him.

Feel sorry for yourself

If you begin to feel constant pity for yourself, then this will be the most terrible thing that can ever happen. Try to be an independent and self-sufficient woman, one with whom a man can overcome any obstacles. It is precisely such women that attract men, and not whiny ladies, as is usually thought. Therefore, wipe away your tears and never show them to your man.

Solution for yourself

Listen carefully to your inner voice. He will definitely tell you whether you should forgive your husband’s infidelity. Do not forget that now you are driven not by the desire to stay close to him, but by your wounded pride.

Perhaps you yourself are already tired of constant showdowns or lack of mutual understanding. Cheating was simply a reason to make an important decision that will help each of you build a new life.

Delve into your true desires. Think about whether you can forgive this person. Try to answer yourself whether you can still trust your spouse. If not, then it's better to break up. Without trust it is impossible to create a happy family.

Objective assessment

The question of whether it is worth forgiving a husband’s infidelity needs to be considered from different perspectives. If you managed to find out exactly why it happened, draw the right conclusions.

Perhaps you did something wrong (stopped taking care of yourself, took up a career, or plunged headlong into housekeeping). If your priority is self-affirmation and career growth, wouldn’t the decision to fully comply with your spouse’s demands infringe on your own rights and freedoms?

My husband is tired of fighting what he doesn't like. He preferred to try to build a relationship with another lady. Try to give an objective assessment of your actions. Think about the prospects for the future. This will help you make the right decision.

A positive response

If you want to save your family, the question of how to cope with your husband’s betrayal will be resolved by itself. You have already found out what caused this situation. Try to talk with your spouse about joint future plans. His apology should be accepted with dignity. There is no need to listen to lengthy excuses or details of what happened to him. This issue should be closed.

A reasonable solution would also be temporary separation, which will help you finally decide whether it is worth continuing your relationship with your spouse.

Principles of conduct

If there is no understanding of how a wife should behave after her husband’s betrayal, she should start by completely abstracting herself from the situation. You must understand that all the worst is behind you. The news about the betrayal was very difficult, but today there is no need to dramatize the situation again.

Try to increase your self-esteem, change your image, pay more attention to your appearance. Make sure that men passing by pay attention to you. Feel like a beauty. Write a list of your positive qualities on a piece of paper, remember your victories. You need to love yourself so that this betrayal does not provoke the development of inferiority complexes.

Restoring relationships

Some women are on the verge of despair because they do not know how to improve their relationship with their husband after cheating. Don't panic and think that from now on everything will be bad. Of course, you can’t return your old life, because the fact of betrayal will not go away.

However, it is possible to return to normal relationships when people begin to value each other even more. You must understand for yourself that you need to sincerely forgive your husband. If you constantly remind him of his misconduct, at every opportunity try to humiliate him or his former passion, your relationship will reach a dead end. The man will understand that he made the wrong choice. Most likely, he will want to break off relations with you. And it will be difficult for you to constantly be in such nervous tension.

Therefore, try to keep the situation under control so as not to return to the unpleasant past. Change your environment, go on vacation, come up with new hobbies. Don't be too strict. Excessive kindness will also interfere. Let everything be organic. Soon you will see that your relationship with your husband will reach a new level.

How to behave as a wife

In such a sensitive issue, there are so many people, so many opinions. Some people advise cutting from the shoulder and never looking back, some people suggest analyzing the situation more rationally in order to work out your mistakes.

First steps

A frank conversation with your husband will help you decide on your future strategy. First of all, you need to find out 2 things: what happened in your relationship that your spouse started cheating and what makes him still be with you. If you feel that you cannot forgive betrayal, it is unpleasant and painful for you to be near your partner, you need to take a break. It’s not necessary to get a divorce, you just need to separate for a while. If your feelings are so strong that you are ready to fight for your family, be patient, you will certainly need it.

If the husband guiltily admits in a dialogue that he loves another woman, calm down, all is not lost. Yes, you can't stop him from feeling, but you can help him sort out his feelings. After all, if a husband does not love, but does not leave the family, it means that something is controlling him. Basically, this is a feeling of guilt before the legal spouse. So, psychologists advise in such a situation to understand your husband and let him go to someone else. You will be surprised, but this position of the wife often saves the marriage.

What does a mistress do? She plays the role of an ideal woman who always looks stunning, is in a great mood, and is able to satisfy any man's desires. This illusion collapses when lovers return to everyday life from their honeymoon. And now the companion wakes up without makeup, and her borscht is not so tasty, and her pillows are thin, the mood is not always cheerful... And if the wife remains a friend, then sooner or later the mistress’s patience runs out, and goodwill is replaced by hysterics and ultimatums . Then bitterness, melancholy, insight, insight comes to the man. In psychology, this term is called insight. When the husband suddenly realizes that there is no one better than his own wife, and leaving the family was stupid, the job is done.

And at this time, while you are alone, you have to do serious internal work on yourself:

Accept your pain. Allow negative emotions to come out first in order to pacify them later. This is the beginning of a new journey.
Forbid yourself from thinking about your rival or making comparisons with her.
Focus on the positive, let go of resentment.
Live a full, rich life - sports, walks on fresh holidays, meeting with friends.
Don’t look for excuses for your husband’s infidelity, there are none. If you forgive, it means you let go and never return to them.

As soon as you feel the strength that will help you restore (or break) the relationship, everything will go as it should.

How to return your husband to your family

If your husband has a mistress, but does not leave the family, getting him back is easier than it seems. It is enough to analyze your relationships and possible mistakes to further correct your behavior. You are an adult girl, and you know very well that both partners are often to blame for cheating, so it’s time to draw conclusions.

So, why did the spouse fall in love with another woman, why does he cheat? What did he miss about you? Grooming, care, affection, intimate diversity, understanding, trust, tenderness? Maybe you loved House-2 more than your household members and stopped in your own development? Or did you stop respecting yourself and could go to the store in a dirty terry robe? Remember, analyze, ask, write down thoughts on a piece of paper. You must have a clear plan according to which you will act.

What should you do to make your husband look at you with different eyes:

let him know that you have a core;
rest, relax;
listen to your husband’s opinion, do not interrupt him, be able to conduct a dialogue calmly;
take care of yourself;
think positively;
do unusual but right things;
thank your spouse more often;
praise him, give him compliments;
become his friend.

If the husband spends the night with his mistress, but still does not leave the house, we find peace and remember the basic techniques of influencing the opposite sex. This is emotional support, tactile contact (hug, stroking, gentle touch), signs of attention, help and care. Your husband is at home, which means you have the opportunity to feed him a delicious breakfast, massage his shoulders after a hard day, cheer him up with your ease and ease, ask him unobtrusively for help, and then be sure to thank him, etc.

Dear women, remember one thing: there are no right or wrong actions in your life. Any decision you make will become a priori correct, because you will have to move on with it. Psychologists advise listening to your own intuition and not acting impulsively. It’s better to take a break, abstract yourself and imagine your future. The picture you see should determine your current steps and, accordingly, your future life. Don't be afraid of anything - leaving means leaving, staying means staying!

When you can’t forgive the fact of betrayal, decide on a divorce. If a man is decent, he will help the family even after leaving it, and if not, then you need to run away from such husbands even faster!

If there is a child in the family

Parents have a responsibility to take responsibility for the physical and mental health of their children. A child is one of the main reasons why a man, even if he is in love with another, does not leave the family. But is it necessary to sacrifice the child’s psyche and how to control yourself if your husband cheats?

The mother has a double task - to protect the child from stress. Therefore, it is strictly forbidden to pour out your problems to him, to frighten the child with the fact that dad is cheating, leaving, stopped loving him, traded him, refuses to meet, and so on. Distinguish between parent-child and marital relationships, no matter how much it hurts you! You shouldn’t threaten your husband that if he doesn’t stop cheating, he’ll never see his son/daughter again. Otherwise, this conflict will move to a more acute stage.

On the contrary, spend as much time together as possible, let your husband actively participate in your life - go to the movies, study homework, walk in the park, ride bicycles. If a child is happy and shares his warm feelings with his parents, adults remember that the children were the result of their love, which means that everything can still be returned.

Common female mistakes

It is difficult to control your actions when a loved one cheats, destroying the brightest moments. It is especially painful if the husband said that he no longer loves his wife, but at the same time, nevertheless, continues to live with her in the same territory.

Whatever decision the wife makes, she has the right to it. The only thing psychologists urge is to keep your own face.

What absolutely cannot be done if the husband is in no hurry to leave his mistress?

Pretend that nothing is happening. If you turn a blind eye to adultery, your husband will consider it an encouragement and will not even think about stopping cheating. And why do you need the role of a great martyr? Do you think that your husband will kiss your hands for this? No, all you will get is a shattered psyche and physical illnesses that will creep out due to constantly suppressed anger.
Forgive immediately. A man must understand that if his wife forgives his infidelity, then she does it only once! Of course, not right away. First, you must again plunge into the candy-bouquet period, where your husband is obliged to woo you. With dates, flowers, movies, dinners, kisses. But after forgiveness, the topic of betrayal should be closed forever.
Press for pity. Pity breeds contempt and repels men. He wants to see a successful, confident woman next to him, and not a spineless creature who is ready to do anything for him!
Blackmail, threaten. Many wives begin to set absurd conditions: if you leave, continue to cheat, then I will commit suicide/you won’t see your child/I will crash your car/my son has exams, take care of his nerves, etc. If you think that this will sober up your husband and force him to start again love you, then the effect will be exactly the opposite. He will leave anyway, but then he will spend a long time washing your bones with the one with whom he is cheating. Your rival will convince him of the correctness of his choice, because you are obviously a crazy, desperate lady.
Look for a meeting with your lover. For what? Whatever the reason, you will still find yourself humiliated. And if you grab her in the face, you will immediately collapse in this triangle. If a husband stops loving his wife, but for some reason does not leave the family, then he needs a reason. Guilt before your mistress for your behavior is a great opportunity to leave!
To take revenge. A woman thinks that another relationship is a great reason to make her husband jealous. No. Instead, you give the man the green light, and as a result, in addition to the pain of betrayal, you will also be overtaken by disappointment, devastation, and contempt from your own ridiculous behavior.

If the husband already lives with his mistress, but does not file for divorce, wait a minute. Do not play along with your rival, because she is just waiting for one of you to take this decisive step. On the contrary, be calm as a rock, but do not forget about yourself. Become a cat, change places with your mistress - now let them leave her.

Don't involve your parents, children, or friends in the nuances of your discord. The more your mutual friends and family put pressure on him, the more your husband will become defensive.

Confidence

The question of how to calm down after your husband’s betrayal is very relevant. First, try to regain trust in him. If you see that he sincerely repents of what happened, this is a very good sign. Don't be afraid to make mistakes twice. This fear can significantly slow down the process of your complete truce.

Every person has the right to make mistakes. Convince yourself that your husband had the right to try another option. There is no need to punish him severely for this. Try to cope with your ambitions and allow your spouse to atone for his guilt. Don't check it or control it. This will prevent trust from being born again.

Revenge

Some women hatch plans to teach their husbands a lesson for cheating. They damage his property (his favorite car), cheat on him, start making friends with his rival, or simply ignore him. Think about why you need this? If a person stays with you, it means he made his conscious choice. Punishing him for this is not only stupid, but also dangerous. Very quickly the husband will understand that he acted rashly. He will leave you forever.

If he left for a rival, it is useless to take revenge on him, since such behavior of yours will kill all the pleasant memories of the time spent together. And there is no reason to waste your energy on revenge. It is better to pay attention to more useful things that will help improve the relationship, and not completely dissolve it.

How to stop a man from cheating

It is easier to prevent a disease than to fight it later. It's the same with betrayal. The main thing is to choose the right way to keep your husband from infidelity, to prevent him from even thinking about it. A man can cheat, and even leave - if you do not maintain a constant interest in the relationship. There are many ways to achieve this, and the main ones are the following:

Try to look beautiful and attractive.

Four out of five men pay attention first to a woman’s appearance. Look after yourself. To do this, you don’t have to visit the spa every day; you can do it on your own. However, going to the salon will also not be superfluous: this way you will not only bring beauty, but also lift your spirits.
Keep your home tidy.
When the apartment is not cleaned, and for dinner there are only semi-finished products, the spouse obviously will not like it. If such a situation is permanent, then the man can cheat, and then leave for his mistress for good.
Learn to wind it up.

Men really like playful and moderately liberated women.
Behave in this way at least sometimes, and your loved one’s ardor will not fade. You don’t need to look like a gray mouse, much less be one in life. Men love to be proud of their beautiful and smart wives in front of their colleagues and friends. Try not to argue with your husband. On the contrary, support him in all his endeavors. It is very important for a man that his wife is not only a great lover, but also a good friend. Don't try to re-educate your spouse. First of all, it’s unlikely to work anyway. Secondly, this will cause a protest on his part – at least internally. It doesn't hurt to sometimes pretend to be a weak woman. Men like to look strong in the eyes of the fair sex. A husband who repairs an outlet or screws in a light bulb in the kitchen almost feels like a knight on a white horse who saved a princess from a dark dungeon. And vice versa: a woman who is too independent can make a man feel useless.
Never control your husband. If you put too much pressure in this regard, a man may change or even leave for another. Give him freedom - within reason, of course.
Make your husband jealous.
Just don't overdo it. Openly flirting with members of the opposite sex can backfire. It is enough to dress up for the next party and behave slightly flirtatiously at it - but nothing more. This way you will attract the attention of other men, and your spouse will feel it and become tense. In addition, this state of affairs will force your beloved husband to look at you differently, appreciate previously unnoticed advantages, and again show interest in the relationship.

Thank you for reading the article to the end! Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!

Psychologist's advice

How to deal with your husband's cheating? This is a personal matter for every woman. But there are general recommendations that will help you return to a full life. First, you need to forgive your husband and never remember the past again. Secondly, you need to tune in to moral and spiritual growth. To do this, you can find a new hobby, change your image, learn a foreign language, or start reading useful literature. Don't let your household get bored around you. Be positive. This will help you become happy and loved again.

Is the problem of betrayal in relationships still relevant?

Information about adultery has reached us since ancient times. Such stories are reflected even in the mythology and religious tales of most peoples. Of course, this problem is still relevant in families. The issue of adultery is an extremely resonant topic that always arouses interest. And cheating happens quite often. Most people have similar sad experiences - sometimes in premarital relationships, and sometimes already in the family.

Any betrayal of a husband or wife is a betrayal, a violation of an oath, a blow to feelings.
And the so-called “open relationships” even advertise a constant change of sexual partner, for entertainment on the side. Here it is important to remember and keep in mind that with such “free love” a person, in fact, will never be happy and will not experience true feelings.