How to understand that your ex-husband wants to return, but hides his feelings: obvious signs

Hello. According to statistics, approximately half of all marriages break up after a few years of marriage. Women, according to the observations of psychologists, experience severe mental anguish, but only in the first year or two after a breakup. Then they find strength in themselves, appreciate the delights of freedom and begin life with a clean slate. Men, on the contrary, for the first year and a half are in euphoria from throwing off the heavy marital burden in the form of responsibilities, obligations, demands and restrictions. They have a blast, allowing themselves to do things that they couldn’t do with their wife, they deliberately begin to break the rules that are boring to the point of colic, such as eating healthy food, and not just pizza and dumplings, drinking beer on weekends, and not several times a day instead of tea, don’t throw your socks around (who cares if they bother you), don’t play computer games until the morning (I’m little, I know it’s still a child’s time, I’ll just pass the level and go to work). And now the euphoria finally passes, and it is replaced by the realization that in the family nest under the warm wing of a caring wife it was not so bad, but it is shameful and scary to admit that you were wrong. Experts called this period “seventeenth month syndrome.” Today on the blog we’ll figure out how to understand that your ex-husband wants to come back, but is hiding his feelings.

Quick test

To begin with, I suggest you take a short test “Does your ex want you back”, in which you need to answer only 10 simple questions related to his behavior a few months after the divorce. If you answer “yes” to at least half of it, then it won’t hurt you to understand the topic in more detail:

Does he still have your things that he is in no hurry to return?
Does he call just like that, finding stupid reasons for this?
Has he remained the same, that is, is he not consciously changing his life by doing the same things that you did together?
Do you often meet him by chance in unexpected places?
Is he interested in your life on the sly among your mutual friends?
Does he provide unexpected and free help to your close relatives, for example, to your mother (his mother-in-law) at the dacha?
Is he nervous when meeting, does he act feignedly cheerfully, or perhaps gets angry?
Is there a pendulum effect in his behavior, that is, today he is polite and friendly, but tomorrow he is rude and tries to quickly curtail communication?
Does he congratulate you on common holidays and events that he consistently forgot about during marriage?
Has he suddenly become an ideal and attentive father to your children?

I repeat, if you answered yes to more than 5 questions, then you can assume that the ex-spouse is eager to return to the family. If most of your answers are negative, you don’t have to read this article to the end, because this is exactly the kind of thing a man does when he really wants to return the woman he foolishly lost. Otherwise, it is obvious that the beloved is rapidly rushing into a new life in which he does not see you next to him.

How to treat the return of a spouse if you have minor children?

For a wife whose husband left the family with minor children without full moral and financial support, the return of her unfaithful husband in most cases is regarded as a return to the family of the father and breadwinner.

At the same time, most women are ready to push their own experiences into the background or completely forget about them. After all, no one wants to raise children on their own, without full financial support and the firm word of the father.

Children are still not a guarantee that a woman will be ready to make a truce and swallow her resentment.

Typical behavior of returnees

How can you understand that your ex-spouse is bored at a distance and regrets the divorce?

You see, interest in the delights of single life fades away as quickly as it appeared. And at this moment there are several options for the development of events:

The man painfully but quickly digests the mistake he has made, decides to move on and creates a new family, in which he behaves like a mature family man, occasionally “howling at the moon” and being annoyed that he was stupid.
He cannot start a new relationship, but his pride does not allow him to come confessing (or the place next to the woman he loves is already taken). So he remains to live as a bob, trying to get used to the new status of “lone wolf”.
The ex, realizing that nothing can be returned no matter how hard he tries, tries to become at least a friend in order to revive the warmth of the relationship that he so lacks in freedom, while still loving, but carefully hiding it.
He takes active action, goes ahead, trying to conquer the same peak again and pick up the pieces of the relationship.
He carefully tests the waters, trying to find out whether he has a chance of forgiveness.

Those who come to their senses most quickly are those who fled, sparkling in their heels, from the so-called family oppression (immature boys who, in their marriage, lacked fresh air and the opportunity to go wild with friends). Such husbands quickly come to understand that freedom is more of a painful loneliness, rather than an endless holiday.

It takes a little longer for traitors to realize their mistake. The majority of men who have not worked up believe that there are no irreplaceable women, and each next lady will definitely be better than the previous one. In reality, it turns out that this is not the case. The romantic period passes, the initial passion fades. The same life remains, but with an unfamiliar woman, to whom you need to get used to again. And she also knows her own worth, and doesn’t want to dress at sales, and prefers to order a delicious dinner in a restaurant, and cleaning the house is incompatible with her manicure and delicate skin. And now the image of a demanding vixen wife disappears somewhere from my memory. But more and more often fragments are emerging where she got up an hour earlier in the morning to prepare breakfast and take him to work, how she stayed up all night, stroking his head and persuading him that a temperature of 37.2 is not fatal, as she stretched out the last several thousand for two weeks until salary, because he was impatient to buy himself a new laptop, because the old one could not handle the latest update of his favorite arcade...

Psychology of divorce: do husbands/wives regret cheating and leaving the family?

For most, divorce is an unpleasant situation that brings a lot of pain and moral distress. However, in some situations, the divorce process becomes a long-awaited way out of a difficult relationship for a couple.

Therefore, it is impossible to give an unambiguous answer to the question of whether husbands or wives regret cheating and leaving the family. Everything will depend on what exactly pushed the spouse to cheat and leave the family.

If the new hobby was not of a serious nature and was started only for fun, for variety or for the purpose of self-affirmation, regret about the lost family well-being and status will most likely subsequently force the negligent husband or wife to regret his behavior and attempt to go back.

It’s another matter if the feelings between the spouses have cooled down and the family is fictitious. As a rule, in such situations, an affair on the side is a real psychological salvation for the spouse, so the cheater attaches great importance to the relationship that has begun and almost never subsequently experiences regrets about leaving the family.

And if the new love also turns out to be more convenient in everyday life than the former spouse (for example, cooks tastier soups, does not create scandals over trifles, and so on), then there is no talk of returning to the “old haven” at all.

Most likely signs

Enough has been said about male psychology. It's time to put everything together and identify the most likely signs that the husband really wants to return to the family:

Looks for reasons to contact you by phone or meet. The reasons can be any: “give me the plumber’s number”, “I left your favorite screwdriver”, “I found your notebook with recipes”, “teach me how to cook borscht”...
Unexpectedly, he began to help his former relatives - he volunteered to dig up the soil for his mother-in-law’s garden beds at the dacha, and invited his father-in-law to rebuild the engine of his swallow together...
Suddenly he turned into a loving, wildly bored and caring father: on weekdays he picks up the children from school and takes them to clubs, on weekends he arranges trips to the zoo, game center, cinema, gives gifts and asks if his offspring have everything they need to wear...
It is constantly found in unexpected places - supermarket, clinic, swimming pool, gym, just on the street.
When we meet, it reminds us of past happy moments: “do you remember how I taught Maksimka to swim, and you kept asking me to hold him tighter,” “do you remember, Katyusha made me ponytails and put on lipstick while I was sleeping,” “do you remember, we We went on a picnic to the mountains, but we were attacked by bees and we had to leave urgently”...
He is nervous when meeting him, like a schoolboy who has not prepared for a lesson.
He rushes from one extreme to another, sometimes he is too cheerful and friendly, sometimes he begins to get angry.
He tries to look happy with life, but at the same time he looks sad every now and then.
Comes to a meeting wearing one of the things you donated.
He looks for reasons to meet your friends and gently hints to them that he misses you.
He remembers all significant dates, primarily the wedding anniversary, although he always forgot them before.
By hook or by crook he tries to cause jealousy.
He demonstratively struggles with his shortcomings and bad habits, everything that didn’t suit you about him - he lost weight, took up sports, found a new job, quit smoking, shaved his beard...
Adds shared photos to social networks, uploads your favorite music or movies.
He writes touching or angry messages while drunk, and also calls at these moments, wanting to sort things out.
Incites children or parents to remind you of how good it was before, when you were a friendly family.
He keeps the promises he made before, just so that they would leave him alone.

As you probably already understood, you can determine that your ex-spouse still has some feelings and really wants to return to the family by his behavior, which was not typical for him in his previous life together. If a year and a half or a year has passed since the divorce (some men mature faster), and the ex-husband suddenly shows up and behaves strangely, he probably regrets the divorce. Don't rush to welcome him with open arms. First try to find out what motivates him. Love is not always the reason for returning; often the truth turns out to be not so pleasant (my mistress kicked me out, I have nowhere to live, I lost my job). Then figure out within yourself whether you want to step on the same rake again and whether you are ready to forgive this person for the suffering that you had to endure while he enjoyed freedom to the fullest. That's all I wanted to say. Goodbye.

Is it worth accepting an ex-partner who has returned from his mistress/lover?

This is a personal matter for everyone. If you are initially focused on restoring the relationship and are ready to forget about this unpleasant situation and your grievances forever, you can try.

But, as practice shows, not everyone is able to forgive an unfaithful soulmate, and the pain comes to the surface at the first conflict situation.

Therefore, before accepting an ex-spouse who cheated on you, be sure to weigh the pros and cons and evaluate your own strengths. If you are unable to forget everything you have experienced, it is better to spend time and energy on a relationship with a new person with whom you do not have common unpleasant memories.

Why do men leave?

The strong half of humanity is often unable to resist family problems. Why do men leave? Each situation is individual, but there are several main points:

Mistress. The new woman, who pays more attention, looks better and is more interesting than the spouse. It’s good if a man dared to admit it and left, revealing the truth.
Lack of sex. Sexual life is the basis of relationships for a man, it is so inherent in nature.
Thirst for freedom. Predators by nature, men do not want to limit themselves to just one woman.
The monotony of family life, including everyday trifles, quarrels and incessant scandals.
Excessive jealousy. Sometimes husbands do not look at other women, but wives provoke scandals and conflicts with excessive questions and suspicions.

True story

Whether to accept your ex-husband back after a divorce largely depends on how long it took for him to decide to return. At first, emotional instability takes him to extremes, from the desire to burn all his things to to forgive and love until the end of his days, if only this nightmare would finally end. Unfortunately, the first option is more realistic than the second. Because even upon returning, everything will not be the same as before. There are many published stories where a husband left for his mistress and then returned to the family nest. And it seems that he is the same, the same character, the same appearance, but the look, the lack of trust, the tormenting doubts inside, turned life into hell.

Here is one of the true stories told to me first hand. My friend married for love, after 5 years of dating and an unofficial romance. But they lived together for only a year, and the faithful rushed out the door. And nothing foreshadowed, the house was clean and tidy, his wife was beautiful, his things were always perfect, the food was hot and tasty. When her husband announced that he was leaving for his mistress, she was struck like lightning under a cloudless sky; she did not know how to behave, who to blame. All she knew was that she loved her madly and had no intention of letting her go.

But her friend was not going to fight hand-to-hand with her rival. I took a more evolutionary and educated path. And if I only learned about the moment of leaving from her, then we already felt the rest together. It all started with watching numerous YouTube channels about unfaithful husbands, their psychology and the rationality of their actions. To be more faithful, we watched a couple of videos about unfaithful wives. Then we went through practices on increasing self-esteem, learned the secrets of seduction and went shopping for a new wardrobe. This was the most logical and adequate thing, which only took about a month.

The husband miraculously did not show up, so the forces of the universe came into play. At this point I decided to take a break, but a friend says that she managed to clear her mind and aura, become cleaner and more enlightened. At the same time, under witchcraft rituals with chants under the moon, she cleared the house of debris and moved heavy furniture according to the forces of Qi. And either the spirits heeded her persistence, or the neighbors with pleas for the noise to stop, or it was fate, but when she tried to push a chair into the elevator to get rid of the energy frozen in it, He showed up on the threshold.

As a result, He helped her take out the chair, and at the same time come in for tea after working part-time as a loader. As a result, they got to talking, he asked for forgiveness, said that it was a momentary infatuation, that he was to blame. She did not tell me how much she had done to get him back, she simply agreed to forgive. And it just so happened that 4.5 months have passed since leaving. This is exactly the period psychologists voice when calculating how long it takes for a husband to return from his mistress. Coincidence?

How to understand that your husband's intention is sincere?

People who have been married for several years know the habits, desires, their partner, his life story. A man who wants to return a woman “arms himself” with just such knowledge. The main signs of the sincerity of an ex-husband:

Perseverance. When the desire to restore the family is real, the man will not stop after his wife says “no.”
Romance (flowers, sweets, entertainment). The ex-partner is not shy about doing what his beloved likes.
Past memories. The man, through his behavior, persistently tries to remind him of the time when both were happy.
Apologies. A person’s frank admission of his mistakes and omissions in the past.

The list goes on and on. Usually women are able to simply sense whether their husband's intentions are true. The experience of living together allows you to see through a person.

A serious conversation about the advisability of restoring relationships will help put everything in its place. It is also necessary to look at the events that happened from the outside. Was the decision to divorce hasty, or is this an irrevocable and final ending? In the first case, there is no doubt about the sincerity of intentions. The second option involves weighing the pros and cons, reasoning and observation.

Did your ex-husband provide for you financially?

Tip #17. Divorce can be an excellent reason to take up your career and reach a new level of development.

Tip #18. Now you have become a free woman and can experience many adventures: flirting, dating, declarations of love... Previously, you could not afford this, but now you are open to new experiences.

Statistics

Official statistics are only known about the number of divorces. It is not known for certain how many divorced families are restored.

If we analyze everyday and everyday experience, we can say that every fifth or sixth family has been restored, and with the age of the spouses, the number of husbands returning to their families increases.

The average annual number of divorces in recent years has been 150-170 thousand. It can be assumed that about 20-30 thousand families are being restored.

In Western countries, people's morals are freer, and people are more relaxed about marriage and its dissolution. On the other hand, people tend to have better relationships after divorce. Therefore, we can assume that the statistics on the restoration of relations there are similar to those in Russia.

In traditional countries the situation is more interesting. There, family relationships are taken seriously, and divorces are rare. But if they happen, then the reasons for this are very serious. Relationships are unlikely to recover after such breakups.

A prenuptial agreement for a mortgage during marriage will help avoid problems in the event of a divorce. Feelings have faded and you are planning to file for divorce? This can be done unilaterally. Read how to do this here. Depression after divorce is common. You will learn how to get out of it by reading our article.

Psychologist's advice

You need to understand that your current life together will be different from the previous way of life . But if you don’t agree on some points, you won’t be able to let go of the negative. Spouses need to understand how they will resolve disputes, whether they are able to change their views and forget about the past.
We need to build new relationships together. If only one side puts in the effort, nothing will come of it.
When agreeing to take a man back, you should not remember his mistakes . Expecting constant apologies can turn into a scandal.