There are people for whom everything is bad. And the work is not as it should be, and they are not appreciated, and the children do not listen, and the colleagues are gossips. Such people communicate in the style of complaints, accusations, and lamentations. Where do human victims come from? How to get out of this position? Candidate of Psychological Sciences Regina Enakaeva believes that a distinctive feature of a victim is her constant habit of feeling sorry for herself. Such people, as a rule, are not ready to accept responsibility for what happens to them. In other words, the victim always looks for and finds the external culprit for all his troubles and misfortunes: an event, a person, a circumstance.
General concepts
A person who has chosen the position of a victim is firmly convinced that no matter what work he takes on, nothing good will come of it. You want to convince him, to prove that he will succeed, that the main thing is to believe in himself, but any statements run into a stone wall. He is not confident in his abilities and is not able to make decisions on his own. He is happy to shift responsibility to another person. This transfer of responsibility helps avoid having to make choices. It seems like he has given up on being happy forever.
He explains quite logically why this happened. He proves to everyone and himself that he is simply doomed to suffer, that nothing can be fixed. Gradually, he develops a similar social circle. There are people around him who use him or try to convince him. The efforts of both the first and the second only strengthen the confidence in the doom of torment and suffering. A vicious circle is formed.
This is how the psychological position of the victim is formed.
Karpman triangle
In psychology, the problem of sacrifice is usually considered within the framework of transactional analysis using Karpman's theory. The theory describes the relationships between three types of people: victim, aggressor, and deliverer. And although there are only 3 main roles, many people can be involved in the process. Despite the seemingly obvious unfortunate fate of the victim, she voluntarily plays this role and receives her benefit, however, like the other two main characters.
Let's take a closer look at each “actor”.
Victim
This is a person who is under pressure from a tyrant and is persecuting him. But the point is that the victim herself will always find her tyrant as long as this life scenario is alive in her head. The victim positions himself as a powerless person; he sees shortcomings and problems only in himself.
Deliverer
This is where the deliverer comes to the rescue, who will either support (give his energy to the victim) or do something for the helpless person. But not everything is so simple! In response to this, the victim will get angry and feel humiliated. Gradually, the victim himself becomes a tyrant in relation to his former savior.
The deliverer (savior) is usually a selfish person. He seems to help, but he does it in such a way that the problem is not resolved quickly, and that he himself will definitely benefit. For example, it will assert itself at the expense of the victim. Often his help becomes useless, and the deliverer turns into a tyrant.
Aggressor
He pursues the victim, imposing his ideas, thoughts, and desires on her. Coercion can be physical or mental. The tyrant does not see problems and shortcomings in himself; he blames the victim for everything (like the deliverer). Through manipulation and humiliation, he achieves self-affirmation, a sense of superiority and personal importance (significance).
Thus, the relationship “aggressor-victim-deliverer” is nothing more than a game. Each person, for some reason, plays a role and receives some benefit. In fact, the victim is many times stronger and more cunning than he claims to be. The aggressor's claims are far-fetched, but the deliverer helps formally.
The persecutor is driven by anger, the victim by powerlessness and shame, the deliverer by guilt. But these feelings, like roles, tend to change. And this happens when one of the participants stops benefiting from their current position.
Obviously, this game cannot be played in a relationship between a man and a woman, because a third person is needed. Then girlfriends, friends, lovers, mistresses, parents, brothers, sisters - anyone - come to the rescue. But such a scenario is possible where there is a child in addition to the spouses. Then it will look something like this:
- dad (tyrant) adheres to an authoritarian parenting style, suppresses and punishes the child;
- the mother (deliverer) takes pity on the child and, in the absence of the father, criticizes his actions, becoming a tyrant towards him and a victim on the part of the child, because he takes advantage of her kindness;
- the child (victim) accumulates anger and, growing up, becomes a tyrant towards his parents, that is, he plays the role of an aggressor.
The second option is that the child leaves home. Mom takes the role of a tyrant, father - a victim. The “war” begins. The child will sooner or later take someone’s side and become a deliverer. Or he won’t if he decides to leave this game altogether and break the usual scenario.
Signs and symptoms of the victim
Scientists identify the following signs of the victim position in psychology:
- Suffering - a person pays attention only to negative factors, he downplays all the good things that happen in his life.
- Deliberate choice of a non-winning position - of all the options, he chooses the one in which his interests are least taken into account. He deliberately prioritizes the benefit of others. Simply put, he deliberately misses opportunities.
- The feeling of helplessness is especially evident in situations in which it is necessary to take care of oneself. He can successfully cope with the affairs of other people, solve complex issues in business, but feels helpless in direct conflict or in relationships. Thus, a successful entrepreneur and manager may be deceived by his wife, a specialist, or simply cannot plan his day, or does not know how to cook dinner for himself. Such people often become victims of unscrupulous people and scammers.
- Self-pity - his life is built around suffering, and this martyrdom is emphasized, comes to the fore in life. For an ordinary person, suffering is a signal that something needs to be changed in life, but the victim perceives suffering with rapture, this is a reason to feel sorry for himself, he is not going to change anything.
- Constant failure - a person in the position of a victim finds situations that confirm his helplessness and lead to suffering. For example, he wakes up an important meeting, a smart and good girl marries a promiscuous or cruel man, a capable and competent specialist suffers insults from his superiors every day. There are a lot of examples in our lives, the main feature is sacrifice and conviction of one’s failure, which is taken for granted.
- Complete lack of will - often in the life of the victim there is a feeling of doom. They prefer to leave most decisions on the shoulders of other people. It seems that they are waiting for some specific conditions to change their lives. Only these conditions either never occur, or they are not enough. The person suffers again and waits, leaving everything as it is.
- Tendency to find the guilty. The victim always knows who is to blame for his misfortunes. It could be the state, fate, children, husband, boss, neighbor.
- A person in the position of a victim always attracts misfortune, traitors and deceivers constantly meet on his way, his life is full of physical and mental trauma.
Types of victims
People in the role of Victim try to deserve and earn love and approval, choosing different ways to do this. All these methods are losing and destructive for relationships and the person playing the role of the Victim. All of them lead to unhappiness, disappointment and severe suffering, since love cannot be earned or earned, begged or begged. I will give several frequently encountered varieties of the role of the Victim, depending on the method of receiving love. Of course, this is not the entire list.
Complaints about life, health, government
This is a “classic of the genre”. As soon as you notice that you are complaining, realize that the victim is speaking in you. Ask yourself: What have I NOT done for myself or don’t want to do to improve my condition? Dissatisfied with government decisions - What can I do in the current conditions? How can I use these circumstances to my advantage?
State of insignificance (I am not worthy, I am “small”)
The state of insignificance fetters, drives into frameworks that limit everything. At this moment, you believe that you really are not worthy of anything good, and you compare yourself with others to a disadvantage. Remember that your spiritual guides, angels, and your entire family are behind you. They are already with you all the time, but at such moments you especially need their support. Try to feel their presence or imagine that they are standing next to you right now, hugging you, enveloping you in the divine energy of love. No matter what happens, they are there. Just don't forget about it.
One more trick. Imagine that you have a beautiful golden crown studded with precious stones on your head. Walk with this feeling, especially in those moments when you feel insecure. The state of insignificance will be replaced by awareness of one's own dignity. The queen cannot be insignificant and unworthy.
Hostile attitude towards the world
A person sees enemies in everyone and is in tension because he is constantly waiting for an attack. This consumes a huge amount of energy. For some people, this behavior becomes a habit and becomes a way of life. If this is not stopped, a person risks his resource, health and well-being.
Concentrate on your heart and imagine a smile there. Hold it for a while. Practice when you are alone, and then go out in public with the awareness of that smile. If you regularly practice this practice, you will feel relaxed, hostility on your part will go away, and you will notice that people have become more favorable towards you.
Judging yourself and others
When you judge someone or yourself, you move from vertical to horizontal. You are setting yourself back in your development. Judging others is easier than getting up and doing something positive for yourself. If you find yourself judging yourself, stop and think about why you are judging yourself, what problem you are running from. Your favorite leisure activity is washing bones of everyone.
You are extremely appreciative of the bad people who appear in your life - that is why they stick to you as if you were smeared with butter. You experience puppyish delight when someone in your circle finally makes a mistake or simply acts horribly. Then your holiday begins! You enjoy discussing this person's weaknesses all day long. And if he also hurt you with his behavior...
Powerlessness (I can’t do anything, everything is useless, I don’t have enough strength)
Powerlessness can be expressed both as despair and as an outburst of aggression. Outbursts of anger when you lash out at your loved ones are due to powerlessness. Because you don’t see a way out of the current situation. This is the state of the victim. Remember that you always have a resource to solve the issue that torments you.
You have reached the point of powerlessness only because you have been looking for a way out for a long time, clinging to the problem. If you notice that you often make excuses, look for reasons not to do what you planned, at that moment you are overcome by the consciousness of a victim. Think about what is stopping you, what are you so afraid of.
Of course, it’s much easier to stay at home and continue living at your own pace than to go out and conquer the whole world! Fr. works especially well in this case. Just beautiful! What a magic spell! After it, all responsibility immediately disappears from our shoulders, and absolutely nothing else depends on us. Also, when they start to humiliate or offend us, we behave as if we deserved it.
I am very worried
Sometimes we all like to make a big deal out of a molehill, and then walk around all day and worry about the fact that somewhere on the street there is a huge elephant of gigantic proportions roaming freely! But some people are guilty of this hobby. If you are constantly nervous about something, constantly thinking of something to worry about tonight, this is not the case.
I'm not worthy of true love
The cycle of love is spinning all around... People get together and experience separation, give birth to children, and then share them, and so on... And at this time we dream about the main character of our favorite series, devoting him every free evening and generally a minute. After all, in the real world there will definitely not be a person who will be able to truly love us. After all, we are unworthy of love! Why then waste time and wait for a miracle? All of these thoughts are common among people who take on the role of victim. And all these thoughts, by the way, need to be driven to hell! In general, everything that devalues you in this life should be deported from your space. Once and for all.
Everyone around is perfect, but I’m bad
For some reason, you never thought that you had strong qualities. This very thought basically disgusts you. The computer starts to freeze: “How is it that I have good sides? Pros? No, just look at Vasya - he really has good sides! He can do this and that. And Elena? Yes, she can do anything at all. What am I..." This is how any conversation you have usually ends. Naturally, after this your mood drops below zero, and the desire to live seems to disappear. Of course, instead of thinking soberly, you simply fall into sad hibernation.
The role of the victim - everything is terrible
“Victims” condemn the one who causes their misfortunes; in fact, they do not at all strive to change the situation in any way, since they are quite comfortable in it, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Unfortunately, victim syndrome concerns not only criminals and victims - it is much more common in everyday, especially family relationships.
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For example, a tyrant husband insults and beats his wife, who, in turn, complains day after day about her difficult fate to her friends, savoring the details of the next quarrel and lamenting: “It’s impossible to live with this monster!” Everyone understands that the best solution would be to leave this man and stop being in the role of a victim. Only a woman doesn't do this. The reason is simple - she is comfortable in this state
. The current situation is a comfort zone for this lady. Therefore, in fact, she is not looking for a way to solve the problem, but is waiting for someone to sympathize with her, take pity on her, and help her (if only because it is inconvenient for many to refuse the poor thing).
You seem to be a little colorblind. But not in the usual meaning of the word. You just see everything in black and white, and even more often – just black. You have long forgotten what positive experiences are. When was the last time you laughed sincerely? When the plague epidemic began in the seventeenth century, and you “said that life was unfair and terrible”? Exactly. Just don’t think that this characterizes you as a strong person. This is a typical sign of a victim
Submissive Victim
The submissive Victim lives by other people's rules, in the interests of other people, does not have his own opinion or even the right to an opinion. She agrees to put herself in last place and voluntarily dissolves in other people; for her this is a manifestation of love. Next to her, as a rule, is a tyrant and tormentor. The submissive Victim does not realize that he is a Victim; it seems to her that this is how it should be. This was the custom in her family, in her parental family, for her such life is the norm.
Such a person strives to earn love through obedience, patience and submission. But this is precisely what pushes other people away from him. Over time, such a Victim begins to be despised and neglected.
Pleaser/Pleasant
A person strives to earn love and approval, recognition and gratitude, by being helpful, pleasing others, to the detriment of his own interests. It seems to him that the more he loves the other, flatters and pleases him, the better their relationship will be. This is what happens at first.
But the more one pleases, the more impudent the other becomes and sits very comfortably “on the neck of the pleaser.” The saint expects at least gratitude from his loved ones, but his loved ones take everything for granted. Over time, the sacrificial position of the pleaser and the tyranny of the tyrant intensify, and the situation worsens. It is impossible to get love through pleasing.
Hard worker
This person strives to earn love and approval by working hard. He can work hard at work or only at home (in the role of a downtrodden housewife), or in two shifts at work and at home.
At first, the workaholic is full of enthusiasm. But sooner or later a person “burns out”, becomes energetically devastated and gets sick, that is, turns into a Victim. He constantly expects gratitude and recognition of his merits from other people, but his relatives do not appreciate the workaholic and do not feel any gratitude towards him. On the contrary, they would like the workaholic to stop working so much and finally start spending time with them.
Poor guy
This Victim seeks to earn love by arousing pity for himself. Such a person may be “perpetually sick,” “perpetually drunk,” “perpetually poor,” “perpetually unlucky in love,” or “perpetually a loser.” Remember “She loved him for his torment, and he loved her for her compassion for them”? In Russia, love has long been associated with pity. When they said: “I feel sorry for him,” they meant “I love him.” But pity is actually not love, but hidden aggression. This is the kind of “surrogate for love” that Poor Guy receives.
Victim – 33 misfortunes
Such a person constantly gets into various troubles: accidents, accidents, and every now and then he finds himself a victim of robbery or violence. He constantly gets injured when he falls out of the blue. Something always happens to him. “He’s just in trouble!” With all these situations, he attracts pity and attention to himself, that is, love.
Scapegoat
No matter what happens, and no matter who is actually to blame, the “scapegoat” is always punished. He is always to blame for everything. It is very convenient for others to “attribute” the causes of their problems to a “scapegoat”. And the “scapegoat,” taking upon himself the sins of others, feels his need and need.
A deeply loving victim
This person has his own way of earning love - through suffering and the power of his love. It seems to him that if he loves another person very, very deeply, with torment and suffering, he will be able to awaken love in the other. This is again a road to nowhere. The more such a person loves and suffers, the more disrespect, and then contempt, the beloved experiences for him. Such a Victim suffers from love addiction.
Holy Martyr/Martyr
This noble Victim devotes his life to loved ones, relatives, family, and actually sacrifices himself. She doesn't please, she doesn't humiliate. Quite the opposite: she is full of dignity and proudly bears her destiny. Her loved ones “sit on her neck,” but she does not complain, she endures all adversity steadfastly, silently and patiently. Next to such a Victim there are always “goats” who use her and, of course, do not appreciate her. The Holy Martyr earns love through martyrdom in the name of family, children, husband/wife, sick relatives, through feeling needed, useful and necessary (“they won’t survive without him”).
Helpless Victim
In contrast to the “holy martyr,” the helpless victim “gives up” at the first difficulties. She lives with attitudes: “I can’t do anything”, “I’m afraid”, “I don’t know how”, “I don’t know how”, “I can’t do anything”, “I’ll never succeed”, “from I won’t be of any use.” This is how “learned helplessness syndrome” manifests itself, which is formed in childhood up to 8 years. It is not innate. The parents themselves unconsciously teach it to their child, doing and deciding everything for him. The helpless Victim wins love with his helplessness and weakness.
Excellent student/Excellent student
This Victim, on the contrary, knows and can do everything, and not just how, but “excellently.” As a child, the Excellent Girl won love with “A” grades, and then by trying to do everything she did perfectly. An excellent student is a perfectionist and strives for perfection: she is an ideal housewife, an ideal mother, an ideal wife, an ideal lover, an ideal specialist, an ideal employee. But for some reason I’m always tired, irritated and completely exhausted. This is how the Excellence complex manifests itself. An excellent student is a victim of himself, he voluntarily “puts everyone on his neck,” but he rapes himself and destroys himself.
Always the guilty victim. I made a mistake and I will never be able to make up for it
This Victim has a guilt complex. Such a person chronically experiences feelings of guilt for any reason. And this guilt is often contrived by himself. A person may blame himself for the death of someone close to him, for the fact that his loved ones are sick or experiencing problems. Well, since he is guilty, then he must be punished. And a person subconsciously strives for punishment in the form of illness, trouble, problems. Sometimes he mentally says to himself: “That’s what I need. It’s my own fault!” or “That’s what I need, I don’t deserve anything good.”
Let’s say a woman can blame herself for her mother’s illness (“I got on her nerves”) and for her child’s illness (“the child is responsible for my sins”), for her husband’s infidelity (“I’m a bad wife”) and subconsciously punish herself by getting sick, getting injured, suffering. This person takes full responsibility for everything and everyone upon himself. And often takes on someone else's responsibility.
Reasons why a person takes on the role of a victim
A person develops the habit of constantly being in the role of a victim. The main reasons why he plays the role of the victim:
- Inflated demands of parents for the child, and he did not always meet them. Overly demanding parents often demonstrate dissatisfaction with the baby. This creates a fear of failure in him. He is afraid of not meeting the expectations of his mother or father. He worries about failures, and as a result he develops a clear conviction that apathy and inaction are the best way to avoid criticism. And even if he achieves some success, they begin to demand even more from him.
- Frequent comparisons of the child with peers, and not in his favor.
Victim complex
A person can be a victim not only in interpersonal relationships, but also socially. There is such a thing as the social role of victim , where society is the aggressor. Social roles are not as deeply ingrained in us as victim roles and are easier to get rid of. But, as a rule, if a person has taken on the role of a victim in any form, then his “wardrobe” will not be limited to one role. People who are victims at their core combine many masks and roles of victims, and they all interact with each other, complementing and “supporting” each other.
It is believed that the social role of the victim is imposed on a person by others and is not chosen voluntarily. But this does not mean that the one who was forced into this role is not at all guilty and does not deserve such a label. A social role is assigned to a person based on his individual traits, his behavior, his method of communication, etc. An interesting fact is that not only does society “brand” a person, but the person himself completely agrees with the label placed on him. Most likely, initially the person himself launches this “label” program from within himself, and society only reads his signals and confirms his fears and fears.
At first, the social role of the victim does not bring benefits to the “player”; it is unpleasant and painful; the person really experiences his situation hard. Everything changes as soon as a person moves from “role” to “status”, here he already takes pleasure in his own torment and in instilling guilt for what happened in the people around him.
There are several social roles of the victim, here are the most basic:
Role one – “The Scapegoat”
Such a person is accused of all the “deadly sins”, they blame him for the failures and mistakes of others, and the “scapegoat”, despite his suffering and insulted appearance, gladly accepts this responsibility. In fact, inside he is proud of the “honor” given to him and the scale of his responsibility. But constantly “taking the rap for others,” he forgets about himself and his personal responsibility. The “scapegoat” is just as infantile as all other victims; he does not see the boundaries of personal responsibility and does not understand its importance. Here again we are talking about the lack of development, on the one hand, the “scapegoat” himself does not develop, since he has no time for personal responsibility and experience, he bears the heavy cross of human sins, on the other hand, “taking away” and “living” the sins of others, he deprives development and your environment.
Such people believe that it is much more important and “honorable” to continue to fulfill their social role as a “scapegoat” - if not him, then who? Such people ignore their lives and their own problems, they live on other people’s affairs and concerns, while never ceasing to complain that everyone “rides on them with their legs dangling”, that they are “forced to bear this heavy cross.”
Role two – “Submissive Victim” or Psychology of a Slave
A slave is an unquestioning, obedient, “little man.” The lack of internal social maturity and responsibility makes such people extremely dependent on external circumstances and the behavior of other people. They more easily fall under the influence of alcohol and drugs, and, under the influence of bad company, become delinquents and even criminals, i.e. slaves of circumstances, other people, objects, slaves of their destructive passions and desires.
A submissive victim is incomplete without other people, without her things, without an addiction (for example, smoking) - she does not feel worthwhile without all this.
A submissive victim is incapable of independent action and is endowed with the instinct of submission - “as you say, so it will be,” “wherever everyone goes, I’ll go there.” The very possibility of choice frightens this victim, and she often transfers to another the right to decide for her. She has completely lost herself, she does not know who she is and what she wants, so she is often silent and does not defend her opinion, it simply does not exist.
Role three – “White Crow”
In general, a “White Crow” is a person who is sharply different from others, considered by the rest of the majority to be unusual, a person with oddities, an eccentric and even an outcast, based on not always significant and significant factors and criteria for his “otherness”: clothing, appearance, speech, gait, way of thinking, etc. Rumors and gossip are often spread about such people, in which various labels are attributed to the “black sheep” and even made him crazy. The person playing the role of the White Crow is constantly subjected to psychological terror and pressure from the environment, which gives him an inferiority complex.
Like all other victims, the White Crow herself provokes such an attitude towards herself with her behavior and appearance, and derives maximum benefit from it. She is just as infantile as other roles, hiding behind pressure from people, she abdicates responsibility for her life. By pretending to be an outsider, she can relieve herself of many social obligations, demonstrating complete non-adaptation to society. Hiding behind all the labels hung on her, she does what is beneficial to her, and gets the opportunity to do only what she wants, only what she likes. The “white crow” herself believes that she is not to blame for anything, that she is being attacked for a biased reason. Moreover, she begins to take pride in her status as “different,” meaning that she is better than others. But in fact, behind this lies uncertainty, immaturity, inability to communicate with people and emotional immaturity.
People who fall into one of the categories of victim social roles find it easier to extricate themselves from the situation than if they were stuck in one of the victim roles. Firstly, these social roles are imposed by society and the victim herself tries to get rid of this stigma. Secondly, these victims are incredible hard workers, they need to prove to everyone, and most of all to themselves, that they are the complete opposite of their label. Many of them, through sheer perseverance (or stubbornness?), experiencing physical and emotional discomfort, pain, stress, torment, accompanied by heavy mental labor, achieve a mature spiritual state, a state of harmony.
Characteristics of the child victim
A child growing up in a family in which he is treated very demandingly and strictly, and is constantly compared with other children, develops the following traits:
- He skillfully plays on feelings of pity, wanting to attract attention.
- Painful reaction to criticism.
- Constant feeling of shame and guilt.
- The desire not to enter into conflict.
- Dissatisfaction with your life.
- Inability to stand up for oneself, to fight back.
- The desire to shift responsibility to others.
- Frequent depression.
External and internal
Working in the clinic, our psychologist often has to deal with precisely this kind of psychological characteristics that aggravate the patient’s physical well-being. According to her, the difference is very noticeable when a person is committed to recovery and is ready to take responsibility for his life, health and relationships. And vice versa, when a person relies only on doctors, medicines or even shamans. According to the specialist’s observations, the difference in the dynamics of recovery is significant.
Alena told us about two cases from practice that clearly show the difference between the two types of people described above.
Patient No. 1, 67 years old, lives with her husband, has children and grandchildren. Contact with children is good.
Dialogue with a psychologist:
— Are you satisfied with your life in general?
- Of course not. Where will you be happy? I'm all sick, a whole bouquet. I can’t sleep, I also got a talkative neighbor. Medicines are expensive. You won't be able to see doctors.
— Do you feel mostly satisfied?
- Of course not. Would I be in the hospital then if everything was fine with me?
Patient No. 2, 84 years old, lives with her student grandson.
— Are you satisfied with your life in general?
- Yes, I’m happy. I believe that I have done everything in this life. I have a wonderful grandson and good children. Every day I am glad that I live.
— Do you feel mostly satisfied?
- Of course, I’m satisfied! I have everything. I don’t take much for myself now, and I don’t need it. The main thing is that everything is fine with the children. I live the way I want.
These excerpts from the conversation clearly show the personal orientation of these women: external in the first case, internal in the second.
Reasons for this behavior
The behavior of a victim person resembles the behavior of an offended child. An adult feels dependent and helpless.
Most often, the reasons for this behavior lie in childhood:
- Raising a child on the ideals of suffering and sacrifice. The main heroes of a child in childhood are people who gave their lives for others. Such examples can cultivate better qualities: love for people, determination, fortitude. But at the same time, sacrifice can play a negative role, emphasizing the suffering, doom, and guilt of the survivors at the cost of the suffering of the heroes - this creates a psychological attitude that recognition and love can only be earned through suffering.
- An example of close people and relatives who are in the position of a victim. Very often, adults play the role of the victim, they tend to take this position, and unconsciously pass this model of behavior on to their children. For a child, the behavior of parents or close relatives is very important; he often copies it.
- Experience of early childhood trauma. If a child experienced a situation in childhood in which he found himself helpless and lacked adult support, he may also experience stressful situations in adulthood.
Awareness of one's behavior will allow a person to regain freedom of choice, and at the same time take responsibility for his life. But he will have to face anger, despair, sadness, fear. There is resistance in the way of change. That is, a person understands everything, makes a decision to change his life, but at the most crucial moment he is visited by anxiety, tension, and the usual pattern of behavior is triggered. In such cases, the help of a psychologist is needed to help deal with unconscious attitudes.
Treason and the Karpman Triangle
Each of us has probably heard sad stories about dysfunctional couples in which the husband continually runs from his wife to his mistresses, then returns again, and the “holy woman” accepts this scoundrel, because she loves him madly. Personally, I believe more in the power of the victim scenario than the proverb “Love is evil...”. And this is what it looks like:
- the wife, playing the role of a tyrant, nags her husband day and night;
- the husband (victim), naturally, needs to find a deliverer, so he finds a mistress;
- but now the wife becomes the victim, the mistress the tyrant, and the husband remains to become the savior for his wife;
- then he returns, filled with pity and “love” for his keeper of the hearth and simply a holy woman;
- the husband himself begins to blame his mistress, now he plays the role of a tyrant, the mistress - the victim, and the wife - the savior (after all, she forgave her unlucky husband).
What do you think will happen next? Right. Everything is new, everything is in a circle, until someone gets tired of it.
The Karpman triangle does not necessarily occur only within interpersonal relationships. The third party may be illness, work (workaholism), alcoholism. For example, the wife of an alcoholic very often actually plays and has chosen the role of the victim. And yes, she will not part with her alcoholic until she herself admits her own game and decides to stop it.
The position of the victim in psychology, or Negative attitudes
Since childhood, a person may have misconceptions about the essence of his problems and failures. He is hampered by fears and attitudes about the reasons for success or failure in life.
The most common settings are:
- “All my problems, failures, illnesses are due to the fact that the vampire sucks out all my life energy.”
- “All my failures are due to the fact that they damaged me.”
- “All my misfortunes, problems and illnesses are due to my sins, the sins of my ancestors.”
- "I was born under an unlucky star."
- “All my problems are due to an unfaithful relationship with my parents.”
- “All my problems are due to birth trauma.”
- “All my problems are due to bad heredity.”
These attitudes are actively cultivated in the press and media. They greatly influence a person’s life and his perception of the world.
What does the victim really want?
It's hard to believe that someone voluntarily wants to be constantly humiliated. Why do some people strive for the role of victim, voluntarily making themselves a punching bag? In fact, the victim wants:
- get pity
- attention,
- warmth,
- care,
- Love,
- Gratitude,
- sympathy,
- compassion,
- to be significant
- to be needed.
A person with a victim mentality knows only one form of love - pity. So he tries, with the help of others or, feeling sorry for himself, to receive love. The victim is only happy when he suffers. That’s why she always suffers, something is always wrong in her life. It’s not easy to admit this to yourself, which is why only a few decide to fight it.
It pays to be a victim
Today, many adults find it profitable and convenient to live this way. The victim position always provides a number of advantages: it helps to manipulate other people’s feelings of guilt; helps not to do anything on your own, shifting responsibility to others.
In principle, this position is no worse than other roles that we play in life. But it has one specific feature - it gives rise to a feeling of powerlessness, worthlessness, and, as a result, hatred and envy of others.
The victim position in a relationship provides a number of psychological benefits. As a rule, a woman plays this role; she derives certain benefits from this position: she receives the attention of others, sympathy, support, and help. And no one demands anything from her in return. To leave this role means to lose help, support, and pity, and therefore she again and again chooses the position of the victim.
A person who is pitied by society is forgiven and allowed a lot. The victim does not need to strive for anything. She is forgiven for her mistakes at work because she has problems at home, and at home they forgive her for missing dinner. She does what she wants, and she has no obligations to anyone. That is, the role of the victim has its own psychological “advantages”. Therefore, it is very difficult to get out of this psychological game.
Psychology of the victim
Let's now look at what the psychology of the victim is. The usual state of the Victim is suffering . A person constantly or periodically suffers, is dissatisfied with something, is not satisfied with something, that is, he constantly feels bad. But from this state he “draws” pleasure and satisfaction. Otherwise, he does not know how to receive pleasure and joy.
The main component of the Victim role is helplessness . A person can be active and energetic in ordinary situations, but feel helpless in the face of any difficulties. Even an Excellent student can do everything “on his own” and not only can it, but “excellently”, but he is helpless and does not see a way out, how he can change the situation, as differently as possible. It happens that “he understands with his head”, but cannot change anything.
The next component is hopelessness . The victim does not see a way out of the unpleasant situation and his position as a Victim. And he doesn’t believe that it’s possible to get out of it. She feels powerless. She has no strength, no energy and time, she feels constant fatigue. And she does not have the strength to cope with the situation, to change it. The victim takes a position of irresponsibility, but at the same time tends to take on someone else's responsibility. She believes that nothing depends on her. A person in the role of Victim is dependent on other people and circumstances. He is controlled and manipulated, but he has no influence on anything. All his problems are always someone else's fault, and he has nothing to do with it. The victim blames others for her problems - they make her suffer, they tyrannize her, they do not help her. And so she gets offended and angry at others, as well as herself.
But at the same time, some Victims unknowingly take responsibility for others (husband, children, mother, colleagues). That is, they shift responsibility for their lives onto others, and take responsibility for others themselves. This is the kind of confusion they have with responsibility. For example, a woman may take responsibility for the health of her parents, but not see her responsibility for her own health. She may feel responsible for her son’s studies, but not take responsibility for her failures in her personal life (“I’m unlucky,” “this is fate,” “there are no good men”).
Some Victims prefer to get sick rather than try to understand why and why they were given this disease. They will get sick, but they will never do health-improving meditations and techniques or constellations, pray or undergo unction. There are people who would rather die than forgive the offender who “ruined their life.” And at the same time they will feel like heroes and will not even realize that they have been living in the role of the Victim for a long time.
How to get out of the victim position
Psychologists believe that a person has the opportunity to play many roles throughout his life - in the profession, in relationships, in the everyday sphere. The opposite role to the victim is the role of a happy free person - the creator and master of his life. To become such a person, you need to stop feeling and perceiving yourself as a victim, change internally and become the master of your destiny.
How to get rid of the victim position? Getting out of the role of a victim and becoming a happy person is a long and difficult process, but everyone has this opportunity. If a person understands that he no longer wants to play the role of a victim and wants to change his life position forever, but feels that his own strength is not enough for this, he should consult a psychologist.
In addition to professional help, the following rules must be observed:
- Learn to control your emotions and experiences.
- Learn to overcome difficulties on your own without the help of others.
- Surround yourself with cheerful, positive, successful people.
What does it mean to be a victim
These signs will help you understand that you are in the position of a victim.
You have no control over your own life
The victim is forced to have a way of thinking, a pattern of behavior, and even a style of clothing. The steering wheel is almost always in the wrong hands.
Victims are primarily those who spend their lives dictated by other people. They discover that they are doing things that deep down they dislike, or are being drawn into activities that are alien to them, bringing mainly only a feeling of regret.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
You are operating from a position of weakness
People with a victim complex often believe they are not smart or capable enough to take a proactive stance. Therefore, they choose a position of weakness: they shift important decisions to other people who, in their opinion, are stronger and firmer. Victims avoid independence even in small things: they give up the right to choose a dish in a cafe or obediently go to a movie they don’t want to watch.
Life isn't working for you
If it seems that you spend all your energy and time to please others, are forced to adapt and do what you don’t like out of a sense of duty, you are in the position of a victim.
Anxiety and self-deprecation are your companions
The victims suffer from an inferiority complex. They belittle themselves in every possible way in their internal dialogue and in front of other people. This manifests itself even in small things. For example, a person does not accept compliments, leaves a burnt piece of pie for himself, or agrees to a low salary.
Emotional Freedom Technique
One way to get out of the victim position is the “Emotional Freedom Technique” developed by Harry Craig. This is a direct impact technique, it is very simple and easy to learn.
Its essence lies in the fact that once again, when a person remembers a negative event, a traumatic situation, he needs to lightly press several times with his fingers on certain points on the body, which are points of energy flows.
In most cases, this method reduces fears and negative emotions.
You can learn how to correctly perform the Emotional Freedom Technique by watching the video.
Symptoms of the disorder
Victim syndrome usually manifests itself not as a single symptom, but as a whole group. Moreover, the first symptoms are almost invisible and appear at a young age. That is why it is important to pay attention to any changes in the child’s behavior, and at the slightest suspicion of the development of a disorder, consult a specialist.
Most often, the disease begins with an obsession with any negative moments that happen to a person. Moreover, the patient pays attention even to those cases when the threat has long passed. The next striking symptom is the appearance of egocentrism, when the patient cannot adequately perceive the opinions of others.
Patients also become confident that they are the only ones in the whole world who are so unlucky and unhappy, for example, unlike their friends and work colleagues. It is precisely such thoughts that lead to another attempt to arouse pity from relatives and hear support from them. Over time, complaints become too frequent, and negative events and their consequences are exaggerated.
Finally, the patient with the syndrome begins to blame everyone around him for recent failures and defeats, except himself. At the same time, he becomes overly persistent and stubborn and refuses the offered help. Self-destruction develops.
All this can lead to physical, behavioral and psychological problems. Apathy and anxiety appear, the worldview changes and new phobias arise. Along with them, panic attacks, depression, short temper, irritability, decreased concentration, loss of interest in everything that is happening, and thoughts of suicide arise. A person’s health is also undermined: he loses his appetite, insomnia, migraines, digestive disorders and frequent colds appear.
Ways to overcome
How to get rid of the victim position in psychology? How to overcome the desire to play the role of a victim from a psychological point of view?
- First of all, you should shift your attention from external causes of failure inward. This is the only way to understand what fears and limitations prevent you from living a full life.
- You need to start working on yourself, try to overcome negative attitudes on your own.
- Determine for yourself what exactly success in life consists of. Believe in yourself, be positive.
- Strive in every possible way for self-realization in society, career, relationships.
Causes of the syndrome
The disease cannot be congenital and is not inherited. It develops only as a person grows older. Moreover, the victim syndrome currently occupies a special place in psychology, since the number of patients increases every year. Mostly the pathology develops in females.
Scientists have not yet identified any single and common trigger mechanism, but have identified a number of the most likely causes of the syndrome, which include:
- Mental trauma. Most often, such an impact occurs at a very young age, since the emotional background at that time is still unstable. For example, in the case when a child received some kind of physical injury or became ill, and relatives show too much concern. The disease goes away over time, but the attitude towards the child remains the same. Hence it turns out that he continues to constantly feel like a victim.
- Overprotectiveness. When parents worry excessively about their child and control his every step, the baby gets used to the imposed image and, like his loved ones, begins to be wary of literally everything. Ultimately, such behavior leads to resentment towards the entire world around us and complete distrust of it.
- Predisposition to mental disorders. The syndrome is not inherited and, accordingly, is not genetically determined. We are talking about a predisposition to any mental disorders in general. It is generally accepted that such a disorder can occur if one of the relatives had a shaky nervous system.
- Family circumstances. This factor mainly applies to women whose husbands are too serious and cruel by nature. Due to frequent conflicts, wives begin to feel like victims of real domestic violence.
- Crucial and significant events. Most people always strive for something and try to achieve what they want by any means. But, unfortunately, fate may decide otherwise. In such cases, the victim of circumstances syndrome appears. At the same time, patients are not able to soberly assess reality.
What you need to do to behave like an adult
The victim's position leads to the fact that a person cannot manage his own life. Psychologist Wayne Dyer believes that in order to get out of the role of a victim, two recommendations should be followed:
- Believe in your importance in this world and defend it in every possible way, never allow anyone to belittle or challenge your importance, never put yourself below others.
- Start behaving like a strong, purposeful person. You should start working on yourself and develop the habits of independent, free, strong people. Get rid of self-flagellation and complaints. Do not expect gifts from fate, always rely only on yourself and your strengths.
In order to get rid of the victim role once and for all, you need to become the master of your life.
A sense of self-worth, confidence, and independence are the basis for the behavior of a strong and free person.
Why do they become victims?
An authoritarian parenting style is another cause of the victim scenario. Its absorption and development are facilitated by:
- punishment (moral and physical), violence, rudeness;
- emotional rejection, ignoring needs;
- betrayal;
- criticism and humiliation, comparison;
- excessive care and pity (the child is taught to be weak and look for his savior).
If a child does not receive love at all or it manifests itself through overprotection and pity, then he has every chance of becoming a victim in the future. The child wants to be loved, and for this he becomes helpful, helpless, and irreplaceable. It has been noted that the role of the victim is inherited, which confirms the role of family upbringing in the formation of the position of the victim.
But it’s not just the family that contributes. Any conditions that cause a child to feel helpless and unable to resist circumstances can contribute to the formation of the victim role. It is in childhood that we are maximally dependent on our parents and environment, and therefore we can rarely withstand adversity, for example, family poverty or a tyrant father and a victim mother.
How to get rid of the victim mentality?
Every person strives for happiness. This is a completely natural desire, without which we would still be sitting in caves and hunting mammoths. It is the desire to be happy that makes a person move forward and evolve. But an individual who takes the position of a victim, by definition, cannot be happy, since his whole life is continuous suffering and disappointment.
To stop broadcasting negative thoughts, clear your speech of lamentations, focus not on failures and failures, but on successes and ups, you need to practice a conscious way of thinking and work on yourself.
✔ Tip #1. Your life is in your hands
By choosing the role of a victim, you deliberately deprive yourself of many accomplishments, opportunities and pleasures. But once you realize that each person is responsible for his own existence, it immediately becomes much easier to demonstrate an active rather than a passive attitude towards the events taking place in your life.
Regularly shift your focus to yourself. Not “he’s so bad, he ruined my mood,” but “why did I let him ruin my mood?”, not “the boss is an idiot, he’s picking on me again over little things,” but “what do I need to do to find a common language with my boss? ”, not “what kind of noisy and ill-mannered children were born to me”, but “what mistakes do I make in raising children?” etc.
The more often you look at your life through the prism of your feelings, the easier it will be for you to abandon the role of victim. Life requires active action from us , so there is no point in just passively going with the flow and obediently waiting for a crocodile to appear, who will definitely want to feast on some part of your motionless body.
✔ Tip #2. Forget the habit of complaining
The habit of complaining cultivates in you a feeling of helplessness and self-pity, and these are not the best qualities. And the people around you will sooner or later get tired of listening to your eternal whining that everything is bad. Put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor: you met with an acquaintance to discuss the latest news, share your achievements, talk about plans for the future, and they pour a bucket of dirt on you and for three hours in a row they talk about how kind and merciful people can’t be found during the day these days. with fire. You probably won't want to meet such a negative friend again.
This is exactly what you look like from the outside. No one respects or loves people who are always whining and complaining about their difficult fate. The next time you feel the urge to complain about someone or something, immediately stop yourself and think about what positive aspects you can note in the current circumstances.
✔ Tip #3. Monitor your resource status
To develop positive thinking and optimism, you need to lead a healthy and active lifestyle : eat well and get enough sleep, give up bad habits, go to bed on time, alternate work with rest, communicate with cheerful people, find time for hobbies, travel, make plans for the future and not dwell on negative experiences.
Physical activity will also help increase your resource level. If you don’t have time to go to the gym or pool, then at least do morning exercises or walk before bed for at least 30-40 minutes.
Don’t fall asleep with your phone or tablet in your hands, unsubscribe from those news portals that relish bloody details and escalate the situation, refuse to watch horror films and thrillers, give preference to light and meditative music.
Learn to defend your personal boundaries and look for support within yourself, and not in the people around you. Once you create your own inner core and get to know your true, deep self, you will never want to be a passive victim again in your life.
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