Psychology of loneliness, its classification and 4+1 exercises to combat it

Often they were completely devoted to their interests. Sometimes they are non-conformists, perhaps a little "nerdy". The “loners” from my class became good professionals: the boy became a pianist, and the girl became a microbiologist.

Indeed, among the ranks of “loners” you will find artists, musicians, and writers. They also include people whose work requires a minimum of social contacts: foresters, archivists, farmers, laboratory assistants, truck drivers. The history of science is full of major breakthroughs made by scientists working alone, sometimes for many years at a time.

Jonathan, Deborah's lover, was a “loner,” and his individual characteristics were further strengthened after a painful divorce. Casual relationships, as a rule, were rare and few in number. “It’s hard to call me a Casanova,” he smiled. I asked how he likes to spend his time.

I read, listen to music, go to bookstores and my favorite cafes, the atmosphere of which I like. I love books on philosophy and history, jazz, classical music. I have an expensive home theater with incredible sound quality. In the summer I try to spend a couple of weeks traveling. I also take care of the house and work in the garden, now I’m doing it in the Japanese style. I have several friends and I see them once every two weeks. I like to be the master of my time. To be honest, I live well.

I asked him if he felt like something was missing. He replied: “Sometimes there is such a feeling.”

What is loneliness

This concept has many definitions proposed by various scientists who at one time dealt with this issue.

From a scientific point of view, loneliness is an emotional state of a person that has social and psychological prerequisites, characterized by the absence of close, trusting relationships as a result of forced or voluntary social isolation that has psychological reasons.

The common definition explains the essence of this concept by a person’s detachment and unfulfilled need for communication due to lack of opportunity or desire.

Levels of Loneliness

How can the feeling of loneliness be divided into levels? There are several concepts that answer this question. Considered separately:

isolation , which may be in the nature of a hermit of one’s own free will, or may be forced;
solitude , which people prefer when they need a break from others.

Other levels of loneliness are:

Psychological . Most often, its causes are personal characteristics, internal conflicts that do not allow the need for communication to be fully realized;
Physical . The feeling of the absence of another living being nearby;
Social . It is characterized by the absence, for whatever reason, of relationships between a person and the social environment in which he is located. At the same time, loneliness can be initiated both by the person himself and by society.
Situational - a short-term phenomenon that manifests itself in the presence of any events beyond human influence;
Chronic loneliness , when a person is unable to establish relationships with people for a long period.

Loneliness is also divided into stages according to the strength of existing relationships:

Living alone . Accompanied by passivity, depression, dissatisfaction with oneself. At this level, a person resigns himself to fate and, in principle, excludes the possibility of entering into a relationship with anyone;
Random connections . They develop confusion and fear of not being liked in people;
Mutual self-disclosure . At this level, a person refuses to share his own problems and secrets, because he believes that he has no right to put his burden on others;
Finding a likely life partner . At this stage, doubts prevail that this is the right person, the fear of being misunderstood and rejected manifests itself;
Deepening close relationships . It is associated primarily with avoidance of sexual contacts, which goes hand in hand with feelings of guilt and disappointment in the partner;
Long-term liabilities . A person should live in stability, but at the same time he experiences a feeling of being driven into a corner, fear of losing himself and freedom.

Symptoms

Loner syndrome, or loner complex, is a term in psychology to describe an individual who avoids society and spends time alone. To see such people, you do not need to have a degree in psychology. It is enough to talk to a person or watch him.

Loner syndrome manifests itself differently in everyone. There are standard manifestations of the complex:

Silence. People with this syndrome prefer to remain silent; they do not need to constantly talk.
Eating alone. A noisy dinner with friends, going to a restaurant - these are not activities for singles. They prefer to be in a home environment. no guests.
Independent trips to the cinema. Have you ever seen an individual who came to the cinema completely alone? Know that this is a loner. For most people, going to the movies is an opportunity to have a good time with friends and loved ones. Singles go to cinemas for a movie or prefer to watch it at home in a cozy environment.
Lack of friends and relationships. People live alone and do not communicate with anyone. This is due to two factors: it is difficult for single people to build serious relationships, because it requires attention and communication. Ordinary people avoid relationships with single people. Singles would prefer to stay at home rather than go to a romantic dinner in a restaurant. This behavior can cause irritation.
Refusal of teamwork. You will never see alone in teamwork. Such people will do difficult work themselves, just so as not to act together with everyone else.
Homebody. Parties until the morning, dinner parties and other social events are carefully avoided by singles. They are completely uncomfortable there.
Alone time is very valuable. All people have to interact throughout the day. To take a break from others and restore mental strength, single people need personal space and time.

Loners stay away from teamwork and parties

Kinds

Human loneliness is a specific psychological phenomenon that has numerous features and various aspects in terms of study. To understand this phenomenon as a whole, it first needs to be divided into parts. Psychological types of loneliness include several divisions.

According to the mechanism of perception

The first division represents the psychological varieties of a person’s perception of his condition.

Alienating loneliness

It is a mechanism of isolation, and its extreme is total loneliness, that is, withdrawal from the world and society as a whole, or removal from a certain social group in terms of its values and norms. At the same time, the person realizes and acknowledges his condition.

Diffuse

In this form, the mechanism of self-identification takes place. A person loses his own “I”, becomes unable to separate himself from this world, merges with society, dissolves in it. This process can sometimes take place consciously, but in some cases a person fails to understand his condition.

Dissociated

An extreme condition that easily turns into a pathological form, combining the processes of alienation and identification. It manifests itself in pronounced changes in perception in relation to people or some phenomena.

Managed

The psychology of loneliness classifies its controlled form as a normal state that one should strive to achieve. With controlled loneliness, a person maintains a balance between his Self and inclusion in society, maintaining his own uniqueness and not refusing to communicate with people.

Types by personality type

The second division option is based on the subjective state of the individual.

Hopelessly lonely

People experiencing complete loneliness, who lack not only family and friends, but also any kind of constant social circle. They experience a feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and believe that no one needs them. They often have a tendency to blame others for their condition.

Occasionally single

Active people with a large circle of friends and contacts. Loneliness becomes a problem for them when there are no close and intimate relationships; in this situation, they feel a sense of uselessness and suffer from it.

Passively and persistently lonely

Melancholy and loneliness are constant companions of such people. At the same time, they suffer from loneliness, but make no attempt to change anything in their fate. They are ready not only to come to terms with loneliness, but also to hide it from others, pretending that everything is fine.

This is interesting
Separation from society, accompanied by sadness, activates the same parts of the brain that are involved in the sensation of physical pain. That is, the brain perceives loneliness the same way as pain.
Scientists from the University of California, who came to this conclusion, explain this by instincts inherent in nature: in ancient times, people lived together for the sake of survival, and a person left alone feared for himself and his life.

Existential loneliness as a separate type

Existentialism as a philosophical movement deals with the essence of human existence. Existential loneliness, as a type of human condition, is also called cosmic or global .

Almost everyone is susceptible to this type of loneliness to varying degrees, since everyone, to a certain extent, tends to feel the difference between themselves and the world. The reasons for this condition are quite complex and do not relate to the field of social communications, so the quality and quantity of communication does not change anything. Existential internal loneliness is associated with:

Correlating oneself with a super unique phenomenon, a destiny for something great;
Dissatisfaction of needs associated with a penchant for mysticism and the desire for involvement in the divine.

Many people encounter similar manifestations when they are overtaken by the fact of the finitude of their own existence. In this state, a person experiences strong sadness and melancholy , as he realizes that there will never be absolute understanding and love from those around him, even the closest people. He begins to think that he will always be alone simply because this is human nature - after all, each individual is a unique pattern of thoughts and feelings.

Causes

If children are born alone, then why are there sociable people and withdrawn people in adulthood? The answer is simple: the formation of personality is influenced by two factors - upbringing and environment.

Upbringing. Two cases can be distinguished here. The first is that the child was taught to be alone. It happens that parents teach their children that all people are bad and you shouldn’t communicate with them. The second is the lack of education as such. You need to be able to communicate. If parents have not taught this, it will be difficult to find a common language with anyone.
Environmental influence. You don't have to leave the house to socialize. You can use your phone or computer. No matter how convenient new technologies are, they create loneliness.

Loner syndrome can develop in people with illnesses. They believe that no one needs them and exclude themselves from society.

Positive and negative sides of loneliness

Psychology shares both the negative and positive influence of the phenomenon of loneliness on a person, although there is no clear definition - this influence is too subjective. Loneliness as a phenomenon can be fundamentally divided into positive and negative.

With a positive perception, a person who is isolated to one degree or another is psychologically stable and feels comfortable. The advantage is that this state gives time to reflect, tune in to your state, and realize your individuality . Why do many people love silence? This suggests that everyone needs to be alone with themselves from time to time. In addition, depending on the perception of a particular person, the advantages may be:

Relative freedom of action , when you don’t have to adapt to anyone, but do only what you need to do yourself;
Lack of responsibility for anything . If you're single, you don't have to answer for anyone but yourself;
Opportunity to achieve professional success . A lonely person can concentrate all his energy on work and building a career.

Negative loneliness is accompanied by unpleasant emotions and discomfort . This can be caused by both life circumstances and personal characteristics of the individual, which do not include the qualities necessary to achieve intimacy with another person.

In addition, the negative aspects of loneliness can be:

Thoughts about one's own inferiority . Even a person who prefers to live alone, over time, begins to have thoughts that something is wrong with him. A long absence of a permanent relationship makes you doubt your own superiority. With age, the fear of dying completely alone is added to this;
Lack of good leisure time . Spending your free time alone gets boring very quickly;
The absence of a person with whom you can share joy or sorrow.

You can also distinguish personality types that act in accordance with the perception of their condition:

Active-negative . People of this type of perception are looking for ways to overcome the situation, trying to cope with their condition and overcome loneliness on their own;
Passive-negative . They do not try to control themselves, they only critically evaluate their feelings and worry that they will not be able to get rid of loneliness;
Passive-positive . They don’t feel lonely, they just use their free time to relax, living it in complete peace and tranquility;
Actively positive . They not only perceive their own loneliness positively, but also live through this period, making full use of it to do what they like, for self-improvement and creativity.

pros

What's good about being alone is that you have constant control over your life. No one tells you what to do, what time to sleep, where to go, what to buy, what to listen to, what to watch, how to breathe...

If you are a loner who really enjoys it and is good at it, then you may develop the following qualities:

Self-discipline
Confidence in your strength
Self-control
The ability to manage your emotions
Ability to solve problems yourself

Don’t confuse loneliness and a single person, these are different things.

Signs of a Lonely Person

You can recognize a lonely man or woman if you look closely at their behavior. A person who chronically feels very lonely:

Constantly sad, anxious, gloomy, often irritated by little things, and sometimes aggressive;
Is prejudiced against sociable and happy people;
Focused on himself, while in a conversation he tries to attract the attention of others, interrupts;
Shows excessive attention to the interlocutor, or vice versa, does not even try to understand others;
Straightforward and critical even when he should be softer;
Refuses to express his own opinion;
Often hypocritical and suspicious;
Tends to bring any situation into conflict, or, in contrast, is extremely compliant;
Cannot fully control own behavior;
If, in situations where it is necessary to communicate, he is faced with an opinion that does not suit him, he can exert psychological pressure on his opponent;
Experiences a feeling of uselessness, uselessness, incompetence, failure in love;
Often feels awkward in a large company, cannot have fun (sometimes becomes cheerful when intoxicated);
Constantly criticizes himself and his behavior, prone to self-flagellation.

Star

From the point of view of male psychology, such types are quite common. Its characteristic feature is that most girls dreamed about it during their school years. In his youth, he really has a lot of fans, but he quells his thirst a little and dates a girl for some time. However, after this he realizes how much he is in demand, how many more girls are ready to offer themselves to him. He understands that he must satisfy all the females in the area

He gives up stable relationships and rejects good girls, but after a few years he begins to notice that no one is paying attention to him anymore. The fame that previously raised his self-esteem and allowed him to use girls like gloves is gone somewhere. As a result, the man is left alone. If at this time a good girl does not appear next to him, then he goes deeper and deeper into himself. These are the worst single men because they are very vulnerable and selfish. The longer they are not given attention or run after them, the more secluded and vulnerable they become.

What is pathology?

There are several clinical forms of loneliness, related to medical pathologies that require specialized treatment or do not have it - a person simply has to live with some deviations. These are independent clinical diseases such as:

Neurosis . Anxiety, restlessness, melancholy or boredom when alone with oneself can lead to the development of neurotic conditions;
Depression . In psychotherapy, we often encounter people who become depressed due to personal or social loneliness. Often a person in such a state does not realize or understand what is happening;
Sociopathy . A genetic disorder in which a person is unable to build close relationships and comply with the norms of the society in which he lives;
Autism . A mental disorder accompanied by the absence or extreme poverty of emotions familiar to people, and the lack of need for communication.

Interesting fact
In ancient times, it was believed that homesickness was a dangerous disease that could result in death. According to statistics, about 70% of people experience nostalgia when they change their place of residence.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
However, for some it takes on clinical forms, driving a person into depression, accompanied by problems with sleep, nightmares, phobias, panic attacks and, as a result, isolation from the environment.

Minuses

If you equate the concepts: loneliness and loner, you get many similarities.

You are your own savior. No one will help, if you are a loner, then get out yourself. No advice.
Boredom, sadness, depression and “how long will these beams withstand”... Being constantly alone with yourself can make you go crazy. It all depends on the person himself, the strength of his psyche, the ability to manage his mood and self-control.
There's no one around

There are a lot of disadvantages, especially individual ones.

Sad consequences

The consequences of loneliness, as a lack of satisfaction of basic social needs, can appear immediately, or have delayed manifestations that arise years later.

The physiological consequences of loneliness include:

Chronic inflammatory processes . The body perceives the feeling of loneliness as a direct threat, so it tries to cope with it as if it were a disease, reacting by launching inflammatory processes. All this not only reduces immunity, but in the long term can lead to the development of cancer;
Cardiovascular diseases . Older people who are isolated from society have an increased risk of stroke and the development of coronary artery pathologies;
Eating disorders . Lack or insufficient communication can lead to disrupted eating habits, anorexia, and bulimia. Especially often such diseases manifest themselves with fear of loneliness in women and young girls;
Loneliness significantly increases a person's susceptibility to colds and viral infections ;
Alzheimer's disease . Associated with an increase in protein in the body, which negatively affects the brain, reducing cognitive abilities. Elderly people suffering from this disease, for the most part, do not have a sufficient number of social contacts;
Reduced life expectancy. The stable state of the body is directly dependent on the degree of sociability of the individual. Death alone can overtake a person earlier than if he has a wide social circle and leads an active lifestyle.

Psychological consequences include:

Depression from loneliness . People who constantly feel lonely have a high tendency to develop depressive conditions and a large number of corresponding symptoms. Moreover, in this case, the person’s age does not matter;
Problems in communication and establishing social connections . It would seem that a person who is tired of loneliness should be drawn to communication. But in reality, the opposite happens - the lack of contacts leads to the fact that people begin to experience a subconscious fear of communication, perceiving the interlocutor as a potential enemy;
Family problems . The feeling of loneliness in a relationship interferes with its normal development. If one or both partners feel lonely, this makes them doubt not only themselves, but also whether they are suitable for each other, since according to the majority, loneliness and love are incompatible (unless, of course, it is unhappy love) . With a sufficient level of mutual understanding, people can fight the fear of loneliness together. But more often they simply begin to make more claims to their life partner, which ultimately leads to a break in the relationship;
Difficulty trying to cope with stress . They are associated primarily with the lack of support from others, which is necessary to get out of a stressful situation.

In addition to all of the above, loneliness affects your lifestyle. It has been established that wide social contacts of a positive orientation help a person lead a healthy lifestyle .

People who are constantly in society most often eat right, take care of their physical fitness, and try to get enough sleep. And a good, stable relationship in a couple prevents alcoholism, drug addiction and the development of bad habits . To find your other half, you can use dating sites or social networks. This will be especially convenient for those who find it difficult to meet the opposite sex in real life (and in general, in the current conditions of quarantine, you can’t think of a better way).

Solving the problem

People only change if they want to. Therefore, this item is for singles who have decided to change their lifestyle. To break old habits, you need to start small. Don't quickly immerse yourself in social life, this will cause discomfort. Here are recommendations on how to change your life gradually:

Make new acquaintances. Social life involves communicating with different people. If you still find it difficult to communicate with strangers in person, find a pen pal. Over time, you will be able to transfer communication into real life.
Sign up for group classes. It could be dancing or a foreign language. There is no need to meet everyone at once. First, get used to the group, and over time expand your circle of acquaintances.
If you have accumulated a lot of worries, do not hesitate to visit a psychologist. Trust him with your thoughts and worries. A competent psychologist will help you cope with fears and solve problems.

Loneliness after the death of a loved one - stages of grief

Even the strongest and most confident person will falter before the loss of loved ones. The feelings of grief, loneliness and loss after a loss are always very strong. This loneliness stands apart from its other types, as it has a clear psychological classification and stages of progression.

Shock

The first, most natural reaction to death. It takes place in three stages:

Emotional disorientation . This is a short-term stage, lasting from several minutes to several hours. Characterized by sudden strong outbursts of despair, panic, and anger. Denial of loss is possible;
Hyperactivity . Lasts 2-3 days. A person develops vigorous activity, and this is facilitated by the need to organize a funeral and all related events. Emotions at this stage are dulled and are not fixed on the experience of grief.
Voltage . In difficult cases it can last for a week. Accompanied by extreme tension, “mask face”, silence, spasms when trying to talk, convulsive breathing.

Bargaining or the stage of simple decisions

At this stage, a person tries to “bargain” something from the world . Acceptance and awareness of death has not yet occurred, so the experience is accompanied by absolutely childish attempts to distance itself from what happened.

For example, “I’ll fall asleep, and when I wake up, all this will not happen, but he will be alive.” In return, a person offers something important to himself to someone unknown (God, death, illness), in the subconscious trying to “buy” the life taken.

Aggression

This stage goes through two stages.

The first is accompanied by hatred of everyone around . For her, the very fact that everyone is alive, but her loved one is no longer there, is enough. Hatred can also extend to the deceased himself. For example, a husband may blame his deceased wife for “abandoning” him, and a wife may blame her deceased husband for not being able to live after his death;
With the second stage comes a feeling of guilt . People who have experienced the death of loved ones begin to blame themselves for the loss, to fear that they did not do everything they could to prevent it. It especially often manifests itself when a loved one dies long after a difficult illness.

Depression

At this stage, apathy takes over the person. He loses sleep and appetite, refuses communication and attempts to console . The most difficult thing at this stage is for those people who are not used to sharing their experiences with others.

For them, further life without the deceased seems hopeless, they do not see the future, they are moving away from reality. How to overcome depression? In the natural course of events, it will move to the next stage on its own.

Adoption

The so-called stage of humility . A person who has consistently gone through all the stages, mourned his loss and splashed out negative emotions, logically comes to his former life.

It’s not for nothing that they say that time heals – it reduces the strength of emotions and calms feelings. The person begins to gradually return to his usual rhythm of life, experiencing only love towards the deceased, which does not depend on whether this person exists or is no longer there, light sadness and gratitude for the time they spent together.

Interesting fact
It is harder for a man to come to terms with the death of his wife than for a woman to come to terms with the death of her husband. A woman continues to live for the sake of her children, while for a widower they will never replace their mother.
No matter how strange it may sound, a woman by nature is unconsciously prepared for widowhood, since according to the logic of the development of homosapiens, the life of a man is shorter than the life of a woman. Therefore, the phenomenon of widower loneliness is unique, while widow loneliness is a normal social phenomenon.

Is it cool to be single?

I've met a lot of people in my life. But most of all I hated lying. Especially when a person tried to seem not who he really is, speaks pretentious and loud words, desperately trying to believe what he is talking about, convince himself and become what he is not, portray what he thinks the people around are just cool.

You need to become who you want to become, but you don’t need to imitate someone or try to seem like someone to please others. “Be yourself, all other roles are already taken.”

It was disgusting to listen to a person say: “I like being alone, I feel good alone,” or “it’s cool to be alone, no one bothers you, you do whatever you want,” and then he went home to cry into his pillow.

There are people who enjoy solitude in every sense of the word. They are enough for themselves, they don’t need anyone and they are completely self-sufficient. Is it easy to be alone, without friends and struggling with your thoughts? This is a matter of habit and mindset.

Exercises

There are several types of exercises designed specifically to combat feelings of loneliness.

"Request"

You can cross the communication barrier with a simple exercise. Try unobtrusively asking questions to passers-by asking for help.

Do not formulate complex sentences, keep a friendly expression on your face, and make it clear that you will not be offended by a refusal.

"Day to fight loneliness"

Give yourself some communication training. To do this, you need to choose a day, preferably the end of the work week, and an event in a place where you feel comfortable.

Don't forget about a friendly facial expression, a smile and a positive attitude. Choose someone you like, approach them and ask them what they think about the event.

Meditation "my fire"

To perform this exercise, choose a comfortable position and close your eyes. In your imagination, paint a picture of a spring evening, when you are walking along the street, admiring the landscape and houses, and feeling peace. Then pay attention to the warmly lit windows of the houses.

Imagine the same warm light inside you. It gives you comfort, peace, burns with a calm, clear, warm light. Imagine this light as a tongue of flame. Pick it up, thank it for the warmth it gives you, and place it back. This is your protection from loneliness, which will always be with you.

"List of Pleasures"

This exercise is best done in a group, or at least with one other person.

Write down five activities that give you unconditional pleasure. This should be the first thing that comes to mind;
Think about the list . Leave those activities that you do more often;
Exchange lists with another person and compare the results. This contributes to the additional pleasure of finding similarities and differences.

Misogynist

These types are often encountered by women who are actively building a career. If a family appears in the life of a man of this type, it will mean nothing to him. He will humiliate his wife and constantly cheat. Such men, for some unknown reason, treat women poorly, and therefore women treat them the same.

These male representatives understand absolutely nothing about fragile creatures, but they firmly believe that their main goal in life is to sleep with a lot of girls. They position themselves as macho men who know how to communicate with girls and know how to put them in their place.

However, in fact, such a man rarely has a relationship or even a short-term relationship. This is another reason for his aggressive attitude. Not only does he absolutely not want to make contact and open up, as well as solve his own psychological problems, but he also does not satisfy physical desires, because not a single normal girl will agree to this with him.

Radical method - when everything is enough

What to do if you have tried all the methods, but nothing helps you? There is a solution -

Turbo-Suslik system
. This unique technique will help you independently clarify important points and change life attitudes, including the most fundamental ones .
However, this method is not suitable for everyone, since this effective psychotechnics will radically change your life. If you are ready for this, all you need to do is download the book and start taking action!

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Free

This is the type of man who has been in a couple or simply in some kind of relationship for a long time. None of his friends could say that he was particularly happy, but everyone believed that the relationship would continue and end in something serious. But then such a man has a breakup, after which he suffers greatly.

However, after some time he experiences wild joy and enjoys his freedom. He uses it and has a blast, greatly surprising everyone around him. Such a man does not take girls seriously and, in principle, does not want to get involved in something serious. He feels liberated and will cherish this freedom very much.

You can only marry him with the help of some kind of manipulation or even threats. And it won’t work out any other way, because this type of man likes to lead such a lifestyle. If you don’t know how to interest a man of this type, but nevertheless want a relationship with him, try to become his girlfriend and spend as much time together as possible.

But this should be a time of active recreation and adventure, and not cute get-togethers at the movies.

Botanist

This is a man who is completely different from the above. He studied at school, and few people paid attention to him. What do these types of men think about women? They know almost nothing about them. So, they simply build their careers and live quietly, without really thinking about building a family.

They have relationships, but they don’t get hung up, so they remain adequate and simply develop. By about the age of 30, this type already has a good job, friends and money. Also by this age he becomes more sociable, although he still avoids women.

It was at this time that a large number of girls appeared around him and simply went crazy about him. But the man doesn’t really understand what the reason for such attention is, so sometimes he avoids overly intrusive people.

Cunning women understand that such a man can be twisted into ropes, and they try to seduce him. Good women appreciate his attention and respectful attitude and are in no hurry to build their relationship with him. At first they look closely, and mutually. Only after this does the couple begin a relationship that can end very positively.

This is the category of single men who are content with free space and create a wonderful family. However, if a cunning woman is next to such a man, who is with him for some selfish purpose, then nothing good will happen. A man will either spend a lot of time on a person who is absolutely not worth it, or the relationship will end in severe psychological trauma.