Male loneliness: causes and ways to overcome

Denis Kryukov - psychologist online
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This article is about a problem hidden from view and hidden in the nooks and crannies of black and white everyday life. She talks about what male loneliness is

Hello,

Dear readers and guests of my blog!

I spent a lot of time on the Internet and became convinced that there are many times fewer articles about it than about female loneliness.

And those that exist, for the most part, are repetitions of already known truths.

In our society, the loneliness of men is rarely paid attention to.

A man complaining of loneliness is not a frequent visitor to a psychologist’s office.

From my point of view, the ratio is about 9 to 1 in favor of women.

However, I maintain that

…the idea that there are far fewer single men than women is a myth.

I believe that, just the opposite, more!

In addition, for some reason everyone thinks that a man endures loneliness much easier and copes with it faster.

My experience as a practical psychologist shows that this is a false statement.

Let's first figure out why this is so, and then consider the reasons why a man turns out to be a lonely traveler on the road of life.

Why are there more single men?

than single women?

Let us immediately agree that loneliness in this article is understood in the broadest sense. For example, like in this post:

The problem of loneliness: a stranger in a strange world

or like this:

Reasons for loneliness or 17 steps to homelessness

And that a lonely man is not only a man who does not have a wife or girlfriend, but also one who is lonely at heart.

The one who, even among those closest to him, experiences and experiences his loneliness.

"Why is this happening?" - you ask.

The answer seems simple:

Men hide their loneliness deep inside themselves. They don't like to acknowledge it or admit it even to themselves.

And in general, many men suffering from loneliness are only vaguely aware of this suffering. It is always prohibited.

It is generally not customary for men to suffer.

Well, at least that’s what a psychologically mature man should do. Although, just the same, a personally mature man knows how to “suffer” correctly.

That is why men are more often characterized by latent, i.e. hidden loneliness. It hides somewhere deep in a man’s inner world.

This is loneliness when “you are not alone.”

The paradox is that it originates in relationships with others. At the very core of this relationship.

It arises when a man may even have a completely prosperous family, a beloved wife and many friends.

It’s just that at some point a boundary arises between a man and the people around him, then it becomes a wall, and then grows to the size of an insurmountable chasm.

This paradox for many still remains incomprehensible or simply fictitious.

Especially for women. After all…

...It's a little easier for women

It is much easier for them to share their feelings and experiences with another person. It's easier for them to allow themselves to be weak. At least sometimes...

They are initially more attuned to the sphere of feelings and emotions than to the sphere of will, intellect and reflection.

Women can relatively easily speak out to a friend, cry in company with her, or they can express everything to their mother or their psychologist. Women express their feelings and emotions much more freely.

They are prohibited only in certain situations.

However, I believe that the idea that men are less emotional than women, and that women are less logical and rational than men, is just another myth.

In fact, we have everything equally.

Just…

...Men become men...

...due to mechanisms of suppression and repression of emotions and feelings.

From time immemorial, society has been ruled by the stereotype that a man should be less emotional, less sensitive than a woman.

That he should be more friendly with the mind, and not with feelings.

On the one hand, it seems to be correct.

Well, there, a warrior, a breadwinner, must endure suffering, be courageous, and all that kind of stuff...

But there is a flip side to this coin.

Which we, psychologists, have to deal with.

The fact is that men are taught to be strong, and this is absolutely correct.

But they are not taught:

a) how to properly manage your strength and b) what to do with your weaknesses (after all, having strength doesn’t go away).

And weaknesses are everything that does not fall under the category of “signs of a real man.”

And first of all, these are negative – “weak” emotions and feelings.

And in general - any emotionality and sensuality.

Like: “a real man shouldn’t cry, he should endure.”

Therefore, men learn to control their emotions and feelings from childhood. And it is right. But control soon turns into suppression.

And so, by the age of 25-30, a man no longer even notices how he suppresses most of his emotions and feelings.

(By the way, this is one of the psychological mechanisms in the womb of which a tyrant man is born. However, a man in a skirt too).

Soon he ceases to be aware of them altogether and hides them somewhere deep inside himself.

It's the same with loneliness and all the emotions and feelings that are pulled into tight knots around it.

Traveling alone...

That is why we, men, often cannot even admit to ourselves that we are lonely.

Because the installation, rooted since childhood, will immediately work:

“If something is wrong with a man, if he cannot correct and overcome any problem, for example, an emotion or an unpleasant feeling, then he is bad and a weakling.”

And loneliness is perceived by men as weakness, as an inability to change the situation. “If you are lonely, then you are a loser and a weakling.”

This makes them even more lonely.

But the need to be heard, the need to be understood and accepted with all its cockroaches remains, but is blocked.

“After all, if you ask for help, then again you are a weakling!”

And because of the prevailing stereotypes, now there is no one around who would hear, accept and understand.

After all, everyone believes that those who are strong do not need support.

That's when real loneliness comes. And more often just at the very moment when you are among people.

Loneliness becomes a way of life. Loneliness becomes life itself.

Loneliness becomes a way of self-awareness and self-perception.

When you simply don’t understand yourself and lose yourself if there are too many other people and communication in your life.

If there is too much of the outside world in your life, with its dynamics, with its challenges.

Then there are two men: one external, who is presented to others and tries to meet their expectations as a “real man”, and internal, who is always alone, and to whom rarely anyone cares.

All this underlies the fact that...

One of the reasons for a man’s loneliness, and men’s psychological problems in general, is that he, as a rule, has few friends.

And with those who exist, it is not very common to share intimate and painful things. Or even prohibited - after all, these are manifestations of weakness and lack of competitiveness.

In this case, the only close person becomes his wife (less often his girlfriend).

But if their relationship suddenly deteriorates, quarrels and conflicts arise in the family, and they stop sharing problems and experiences with each other, then the man remains isolated.

And going to a psychologist is also a sign of weakness.

And that’s when loneliness settles in a man’s house. And very often he brings with him his friend named Hopelessness...

Conclusion: The idea that there are fewer single men than women should be considered a myth.

Men skillfully hide their loneliness along with many emotions and feelings suppressed within themselves.

Most often, such internal loneliness quickly turns into external loneliness.

Life goes by with that.

Next, let's look at what it is...

Modernity

Let's start with the fact that male loneliness in the modern world is common for the reason that communication has become much more difficult. People make a lot of demands on each other, want a lot, but are not always ready to give the same response. Because of this, tension and tension arise in relationships. In turn, this puts psychological pressure on both men and women, which sometimes discourages them from building relationships.

Men who are unstable from a psychological point of view may be susceptible to various new trends and opinions of society. They are interested in new information and trust it without checking. That is why they tend to delve into themselves too actively, analyze certain actions and words, and immerse themselves in their inner world.

Inability to forgive

Everyone makes mistakes and even you are no exception to this rule. However, sometimes people simply forget about this when the need arises to forgive another person.

Of course, psychologists do not recommend tolerating anything while in a relationship with your partner: you should not force yourself to accept things that go against your perception of the world. However, if you don't agree with something, it's best to withhold judgment. In some cases, if you are offended by your partner, but he shows sincere remorse for what he did, it is still worth giving him a second chance. However, if you decide to forgive a person and start over with him from the very beginning, do not just expect changes on his part, but also reconsider your own behavior and attitude towards life - something caused your partner to step over the limits of what was permissible.

Reasons for male loneliness

A man can be lonely for several reasons. Conventionally, they can be divided into two types. The first includes pathological causes that are associated with disorders of the human psyche and personality. The second type includes existential reasons.

Let's consider the main pathological causes:

• Incorrect self-esteem, which manifests itself in the fact that a man under- or overestimates himself and his strengths. He may be too arrogant and arrogant, which will alienate the majority of people. At the same time, he may be too closed, unsure of himself and shy, which will also push those around him away. You shouldn’t go to extremes, it’s better to just stick to the golden mean and try to evaluate yourself adequately.
• Poorly developed ability to communicate with the outside world. This problem occurs in men who have had problems in their upbringing. They may have been raised apart or taught that the world around them is hostile. Such people have difficulty building relationships with others. It is difficult for them to trust, difficult to establish contact, make compromises, etc. Such men do not believe that there is sincerity, friendship, etc. in the world. They, in principle, do not understand what human relationships are built on.
• Social phobia. This phenomenon can be fully or partially revealed in a person. It manifests itself in the fact that the individual avoids appearing in society. He strives to get home as quickly as possible, to close himself off from someone there, not to let anyone into his world. Social phobia usually occurs after some serious upheaval. This can happen if a man has experienced a difficult breakup with his girlfriend. Also, the reasons may lie in childhood, but such cases should be worked through separately with a psychologist.
• Presence of psychopathology. Any mental abnormalities, as well as personality disorders, can cause a person to remain alone. Anyone who is aware of the presence of some defects in himself will deliberately avoid communication and society, so as not to frighten or seem strange. Anyone who is not aware of his psychopathology is simply obeying the inner desire to be alone.
• Codependent relationships. When a person is in a codependent relationship, he experiences constant stress. This leads to the desire to be alone. Besides, codependent relationships never lead to anything good. Such interaction ends either in a breakup, or it drags on for years and still ends in a painful breakup.
• Infantility. This is another good reason why single men do not change their lifestyle. When you are infantile, you can relieve yourself of responsibility, not stress, and live for your own pleasure. In addition, such men are often dependent on their mothers, and even completely trust them to lead their lives. They are very irresponsible, there is no point in building any relationship with them.

Existential reasons

Men's problems of loneliness are not always based on some pathologies; sometimes it can be an independent, informed decision. Let us list the main existential reasons:

• Spiritual growth. A man can separate in order to grow spiritually and develop his personality. It is for this reason that many people go to the mountains and become hermits. They want to limit themselves from social contacts and completely deprive themselves of communication. This is a truly interesting way of self-development, which only rare, highly spiritual men resort to.
• Subculture. Sometimes a man's loneliness is explained by the fact that he belongs to a certain subculture. For example, he may belong to some closed men's club, where it is not customary to be with a woman. There really are such organizations, their main criterion is loneliness. Such men try to convince themselves that they are complete on their own, without a woman, without a family, without social contacts.
• Behavior that is not accepted by the public. Many single men choose the path of the wolf simply because they do not live according to the rules of society. So, they may have some special passions and interests that do not violate the law, but nevertheless are not approved by the community. Such people are found quite often, so many are forced to hide their true desires and motives. However, sometimes male loneliness can be quite unsafe. Psychologists say that the longer a person is removed from society, the more rooted he becomes in his defective thoughts. So, if an individual who avoids communication has some negative tendencies that can be dangerous for other people, then the longer he is immersed in himself and his ideas, the higher the likelihood that he will decide to commit an illegal act.
• Self-sufficiency. Some people wonder how a man can live alone, but they don’t understand that a man can be self-sufficient. This is quite normal and natural, but in our society this idea is not always adequately perceived. It is one thing to completely reject any relationship and avoid society, and another thing to feel self-sufficient in solitude. Such people do not avoid any contacts and interactions. They communicate well with the outside world, but prefer to spend their free time alone. Very often such men have a rich spiritual life. They are concerned about many global issues. Also, such people can become lonely due to strong emotional experiences. And it must be said that a person must have great courage to face his problems and not avoid them. This privacy is very beneficial for both men and women because it allows for a certain amount of personal growth.
• Part of professional activity. The fact is that some professions require you to be alone. So, writers and people of creative professions are inspired by very strange things. They also need solitude so that they can focus on their thoughts and tune in to a creative wave. This is not a deviation, but rather a haze of mystery that creative people shroud themselves in. At the same time, they really need solitude, because it allows them to focus on themselves and their experiences.

Tips for insecure men and workaholics

Problems with communication skills can be easily corrected with the help of psychological trainings or consultations; they will give practical advice on how to overcome indecisiveness and communicate beautifully and competently. This problem must be solved as soon as you realize that it is the inability to express your feelings and talk with people of the opposite sex that is an obstacle to a happy relationship.

People who spend most of their time at work need to make drastic lifestyle changes. They say about such people - you live at work. But sometimes you need to think about yourself. First, you need to allocate free time for your personal needs. Let it be a trip, meeting with friends, going to the cinema or bowling, whatever, the main thing is to be in an environment where there is an opportunity to make new friends. Otherwise, over the years, starting a family and getting rid of loneliness becomes more and more difficult.

It is necessary to know how to get rid of loneliness for a man, since this condition can lead to changes in personality and leave an imprint on character and on the perception of the world as a whole. Representatives of the strong half of humanity have a natural destiny to protect their home and loved ones, to be strong and reliable for someone, to solve problems and achieve success in any activity.

It is important that a man takes the first step towards changing his life, and then loneliness can be overcome.

Pros of male loneliness

There are actually quite a few benefits to living as a hermit. Of course, there are also disadvantages, but everyone knows about them very well. What are the advantages of living alone?

Here are some of them:

• A man is responsible for his own happiness. This is actually so, for the simple reason that responsibility for one’s life belongs entirely to the person. He decides how to live, where to live, how to build his path. In addition, he is not tied to either place or circumstances. A guy's loneliness may be caused precisely by the fact that he is not ready to take responsibility for someone else, so he prefers a hermit lifestyle.
• Energy redistribution. When a person is alone for a long time, he learns to direct his energy to some main goal. So, if male loneliness is caused by the fact that the individual wants to achieve some results in his career or some other activity, then the choice of the path of a lone wolf is quite justified.
• Increased self-confidence. Men who consciously choose temporary alienation begin to understand themselves better. And also their self-confidence increases, because they understand that they feel good both alone and in company. They learn many things that they would not need in a relationship with a girl or in a family.
• Deep sleep. This is a rather funny reason, but when a person lives alone, he actually sleeps better. No one wakes him up, no one accidentally disturbs his rest, etc.
• Removal of responsibility. In a way, male loneliness allows you to feel a certain freedom, which is nothing more than a refusal of responsibility. When you live alone, you don’t need to worry too much about money or life. Enough to earn enough to support yourself. A man who is socially active takes on a certain role and responsibility, so the workload on him is greater. However, such a man is valued higher, and he himself develops and improves in the process of relationships.

Negative influence of maternal image

Two possible developments suggest the following scenarios:

1. A man considers his mother ideal, his attachment to her is too strong, he emotionally depends on her opinion;
2. A man is detached from his mother and may not only not love her, but hate her.

In both options, the result is the same: a man perceives women through a maternal image, and his assessment is always negative . Such men are unlikely to make loving husbands - they constantly compare all women with their mother, do not see merits in them, only flaws and imperfections.

Loneliness after 30 years

It is believed that up to a certain age people can be in search of themselves. If a man under 30 yearns for solitude, wants moral and physical development, then there is nothing shameful or wrong in that. However, male loneliness after 30 years indicates some kind of violation. Of course, there are exceptions. There are young men who want to engage only with you throughout their lives. Some will say that they are selfish, but in fact such people can bring great benefits to society. They focus on some of their talents or tasks and realize themselves fully.

Is it bad?

There is no clear answer to the question of whether a man can live alone. Of course, anyone is capable of living alone, but this will have a negative impact on their mental health. People need to communicate, enter into communications and build some kind of connections with each other. If this does not happen, then the person moves away from everything worldly and loses the ability to communicate. He becomes more closed and withdraws into himself. This may result in severe depression or the individual simply avoiding all contact.

Negative experiences in the past

For those who have gone through a divorce or had negative experiences in relationships, we can recommend the following:

1. If the events happened not so long ago, then it takes time to be ready for a new relationship. As a rule, this is a year; there’s no point in delaying it any longer. After reflecting on what led to this outcome and drawing the right conclusions, you can try to establish new relationships.
2. If the question is how to survive loneliness, you should take care of yourself and your self-improvement. It could be anything - a new hobby, sports, music, travel, a change in activity, a lot of activities that are worth spending your time and energy on.
3. Traumatic events (divorce, betrayal, or loss of a loved one) lead to feelings of fear or uncertainty about success. Having recognized his fear, a man will understand how to overcome loneliness. Life must go on, and let previous failures become a lesson and experience that will make a person stronger and stronger, wiser and more attentive. If you have the right attitude, then any changes in life will be perceived as a new level.

Female self-sufficiency

It is believed that one of the reasons for male loneliness is female self-sufficiency. This is quite a pressing issue. Many women are career-oriented, which is generally good. However, they cultivate strong qualities in themselves that do not allow them to express their femininity. As a result, such women become quite tough and domineering. Building relationships with such ladies is quite difficult, and not at all because men are weak. Such women simply discourage anyone from caring for them and pursuing them. It is quite natural that the male reaction to this is alienation.

Consequences

As a result, young people either stop communicating with the fair sex, or simply begin to exist separately from them. But where can one man relax if he avoids female society and has no friends among men? This is a very interesting question that is asked by many women who believe that a man cannot survive without them. In fact, there are quite a lot of options for recreation and entertainment for such a person. Again, this is a matter of awareness. If a person understands the reason for his loneliness and goes into it intentionally, then he knows what he will do, does not waste time and develops himself. If loneliness is caused by pathological reasons, then there can be no talk of any rest or entertainment. Such a man is simply self-absorbed, he has a poor understanding of his feelings and desires and does not work at all on his internal problems.

Is this possible?

So, is it possible for a man to live as a lone wolf? Of course you can, if this is his sincere desire. But in no case is it possible if he simply avoids responsibility and problems. Through alienation, he will not solve any of his problems, he will only aggravate them. If you have such acquaintances in your circle, then you need to do everything to get them to communicate. At the same time, remember that a person has certain boundaries that you cannot cross. If a man categorically refuses help, then it is better to leave him alone.

If you are still concerned about the question of how a man can live alone, then there is no need to torment yourself if your loved one has chosen this path. This is completely normal and natural, so there is no need to worry. The main thing is not to fall for the stereotypes of society, which claims that such behavior is abnormal. Remember, a person chooses his own path and is free to decide how to spend his life. In addition, many men who spend some time alone are happy to return to normal communication and family circles. Having been alone, they receive a certain energy, and after this period they can live a normal, full life.

To summarize, there is nothing wrong with being alone. If a person feels good alone with himself, then he will feel great in any company. You should not label or draw any conclusions about a person simply because he loves solitude. In the modern world, many people are lonely, they just know how to hide it well. People who openly express their desires deserve respect. A lonely man is a normal phenomenon if such a path is chosen consciously. If we are talking about a slacker or a person with complexes, then only he can help himself if he really wants it. In other cases, any outside help will not be effective.

Those who started with

By calling this type a klutz, I, of course, sinned against psychological truth. But since this text is not a scientific article, I can take some liberties.

In fact, he is a soft, insecure person, usually dependent on his mother, and less often on his father. Excessively cared for by parents, therefore not independent and, to hide it, not attracting the attention of persons of the opposite sex.

A completely recognizable category, including in Hollywood film production, both in male and female variations.

However, unlike uplifting film stories, in real life such boys rarely get married, at least until the death of their parents, while girls remain old maids.

And, of course, only his unexpectedly enlightened mother can bring such a lonely man to a psychologist. Which, unfortunately, doesn't happen often.