What is shyness - signs, causes, ways to combat it

Shyness is a powerful feeling that arises in a person in the process of communicating with other people, a kind of fear of this communication. A shy person is afraid to make contact, afraid of a hostile attitude, afraid of losing the respect of others and self-respect.

The mental discomfort that arises is probably the most common type of such disorders. The problem of shyness has always been relevant, but in recent decades the world has literally been swept by an epidemic of shyness and embarrassment.

Definition

Shyness is a feeling of anxiety, fear, embarrassment caused by the need to communicate with other people. It usually manifests itself around strangers or under the influence of new circumstances.

A shy person thinks through every step so as not to make a mistake when contacting other people; he does not act spontaneously.

Factors that provoke shyness:

• everyone's attention;
• disclosure of personal information;
• unexpected praise;
• if they are caught doing something that needs to be hidden from prying eyes.

Timidity and embarrassment, the companions of shyness, do not provide the opportunity to defend one’s own point of view, forcing a person to silently agree with the opinion proposed to him.

Psychological portrait of a shy person

The problem of shyness is not only a lack of communication skills, but also a reluctance to enter into any relationships and a lack of understanding of their meaning.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

Research conducted by Professor D. Phillips showed that only a third of shy people, after learning communication techniques, are able to put them into practice.

Behavioral signs of shyness:

• silence;
• inability to make eye contact with the interlocutor;
• quiet, uncertain voice;
• difficulties in formulating thoughts and desires;
• stiffness in movements.

A person feels a state of shyness when he is alone, experiencing mistakes and failures of the past.

Feelings caused by shyness:

• embarrassment;
• awkwardness;
• worry about the opinions of others;
• isolation;
• uncertainty;
• low self-esteem.

Shy people are often engaged in self-searching, which becomes an obsession for them and can develop into a mental disorder. Such people often mentally replay the situation instead of acting.

Shyness is a combination of the desire to be liked and the fear of failure. (P.E. Beauchene)

Signs

Various manifestations of shyness are usually visible to the naked eye. Such a person easily stands out in the crowd. If you talk to him, this character trait will become even more obvious in communication.

Behavior:

• looks lost;
• does not carry on conversation;
• reluctantly, but fulfills requests (brings water to guests, takes a certain place at the table, passes on instructions to others) because he does not know how to say “no”;
• answers questions in monosyllables and reluctantly;
• always trying to leave;
• smiles tightly;
• speaks quietly and indistinctly;
• silently agrees with everyone without expressing his opinion;
• performs any monotonous movement (tugging at hair or a scarf);
• looks to the side or down.

Internal state:

• diffidence;
• low self-esteem;
• fear of failure, betrayal, humiliation, ridicule;
• constant expectation of a catch, which forces you to stay as tense as possible;
• anxiety, worry, excitement (all groundless);
• the constant voice of the internal critic in the head (“I said the wrong thing,” “I did the wrong thing,” “I looked at it wrong,” etc.);
• indecisiveness, timidity, shyness;
• pessimism.

Physical sensations:

• sticky cold sweat;
• a burning, unhealthy blush on the cheeks against the background of the pallor of the rest of the skin;
• increased heart rate;
• dizziness;
• heaviness in the legs;
• knocking in the temples;
• slight trembling of fingers.

Shyness only manifests itself in certain situations. For example, when there is a large crowd of people, when meeting a stranger, when speaking in public (this includes working at the blackboard in the classroom), when receiving criticism and comments from the outside. However, in a familiar circle (with parents, a loved one) it may be completely unnoticeable.

The stronger the physical signs of shyness manifest themselves, the worse the situation. In such cases, it is a borderline condition and in many ways resembles autism. Over time, it can cause the development of various phobias: logophobia (fear of speaking), haptophobia (touching), gelotophobia (ridicule), genophobia (sex), ochlophobia (crowds), peiraphobia (public speaking), social phobia (society).

Reasons for Shyness

Like many problems of a psychological nature, the preconditions for shyness are laid down in a person in childhood.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Typical manifestations of improper upbringing:

• rejection – there is no emotional contact between parents and children (an unwanted child, a baby of the wrong gender);
• overprotection - parents monitor every step of their child, thoroughly plan his education and free time;
• An anxious-suspicious type of upbringing is typical for families with one child.

All these deviations from normal upbringing mean that a child can grow up to be too modest, withdrawn, and with low self-esteem.

Another reason for the appearance of shyness in childhood is the child’s imprinting of the behavior of modest parents. The baby copies their model of behavior, considering it the only correct one.

Excessive modesty in children may be a sign of another psychological disorder. For example, some children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) become withdrawn in a particular situation (the need to respond at the board).

Shyness can be caused by psychological trauma, negative experiences, or temperamental characteristics.

Shyness in children

Shyness in children is often a consequence of undeveloped social competence and its correction.

1. Reasons: sometimes the baby is shy because it is so beneficial for him (often, so that the child stops being shy, he will be offered some kind of encouragement); because of your age or because of your temperament; the child may feel shy in a new, unfamiliar environment; due to lack of self-confidence; due to lack of experience in a given situation.
2. Shyness in preschool children: at this age, the child becomes susceptible to the opinions of others. Whatever he does, he waits for approval. When others judge him, it hurts him. He becomes unsure of himself, begins to be afraid to do something because it may cause a negative reaction. He tries not to get into situations for which he would be criticized.
3. The child is embarrassed to answer in class: at school age, children react very painfully to comments in their direction.
   This may be the reason why they are embarrassed to answer in class, even if they know the subject well. Also at this age, they have difficult relationships with peers, and their first sympathy often appears for their classmates. Excessive demands from parents and teachers lead to the fact that the child may be afraid to answer insufficiently well, get a bad grade, and then be scolded.

How to relieve a child from tightness and shyness?

Psychosomatic manifestations

People suffering from shyness experience both psychological and psychosomatic abnormalities.

Psychosomatic signs of shyness:

• increased sweating;
• tremor of the limbs;
• uneven breathing;
• disturbances in spatial orientation;
• facial redness;
• increased heart rate.

Shy people try to remain silent as much as possible, not to come out of the shadows, knowing their own reaction to excessive excitement.

Types of Shy People

There are two types of shy people: externally shy and internally shy. They are distinguished by behavior, reasons that cause awkwardness, and sensations.

Internally shy

For such people, their own experiences are important. They can make a career, but it does not bring them joy and satisfaction.

Outwardly, they always look confident, know how to please others, have the gift of persuasion and speak successfully in public. But no one knows what the price of external peace is. The inferiority complex manifests itself in the fear of exposure, in the internal struggle with uncertainty.

In the behavior of shy people under new circumstances, tension and nervousness are felt, but outwardly they hide them under the guise of self-confidence, spending a lot of energy and effort on this.

Intrinsically shy people avoid awkward, unexpected situations. For example, a brilliant speaker may become overwhelmed if suddenly asked to make a toast in a group setting.

This type of shyness is common among some celebrities who believe that fans like their appearance on stage or in films, but are not interested in them as individuals.

Outwardly shy

An outwardly shy person is more concerned about his behavior than his feelings: how he communicates, what he says, how others react to him.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Such a person feels superfluous in relationships with the opposite sex, friendly communication in a company or at a work meeting. Because of the fear of rejection, he hides his insecurities and embarrassment from others. People sometimes see him as an arrogant person who avoids communication. But this is just a cover. An outwardly timid person needs understanding, sympathy, love, but it is difficult for him to count on it.

Outwardly shy teenagers occupy the back desks at lectures, avoid entering into polemics with teachers, do not voice their own point of view, and avoid communicating with classmates.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

It is difficult for adults to climb the career ladder. Possessing knowledge, they do not show their competence in professional matters, preferring to remain in the shadows. There are no leaders among them.

Shyness has this law: you can only give yourself tragically to those who are least able to understand you. (Laurence Durrell)

What it is

Shyness is a state of neuropsychic tension, which is characterized by various disorders of the autonomic nervous system, emotional-volitional sphere, psychomotor skills, speech activity, thought processes and self-awareness. Creates serious ongoing difficulties in situations of interpersonal informal communication, if its circumstances are unusual, beyond the usual comfort zone (for example, in a crowd or when interacting with a stranger). In other words, this is a psychological barrier that prevents full communication.

In psychology, this is a character trait that manifests itself as indecision, fearfulness, tension, stiffness and awkwardness in society due to distrust of others, lack of self-confidence, and poorly developed social and communication skills.

Shy people are easy to spot. They avoid new acquaintances, large companies and spontaneous situations that could take them out of their comfort zone. They never express their opinions or defend their rights. They are constantly embarrassed, blush, and smile reservedly. It's immediately obvious that they can't wait to leave the crowd quickly, even if it's only 5-6 guests invited to a family dinner.

The etymology of the word helps to understand the essence of the phenomenon. “Shyness” = “behind” + “wall”. A person fences himself off from the rest of the world, lives in his own shell, sometimes not letting even those closest to him in. It is difficult for him to trust others, since in their every word and action he sees a catch, a desire to invade his comfort zone and hurt him. Mistrust and social phobia come to the fore. At the same time, the situation is not at all as advanced as, for example, with autism. Shy people do not completely isolate themselves from others; they understand the need for at least minimal communication with others.

Should I get rid of shyness?

Shy people often become pawns in the hands of arrogant and powerful people. Considering timidity to be the body's protective reaction to criticism, these people suffer from a lack of communication and loneliness. But if shyness does not cause much discomfort, there is no point in getting rid of it.

People who are insecure need only engage in self-development, increasing their self-esteem. Individual psychological settings and group trainings under the supervision of a psychotherapist will help.

A dangerous situation is when excessive shyness becomes the cause of other diseases: psychogenic impotence in men or frigidity in women. Sociopathy can also develop from shyness.

Psychotrauma and peculiarities of upbringing sometimes lead to acute manifestations of shyness - neuroses, psychopathy. In such situations, contacting a psychologist is mandatory.

Read more about how to overcome shyness →

Diagnostics

To cope with shyness, which prevents you from fully communicating and impedes career growth, you first need to make sure that this character trait is inherent in you. In such cases, psychologists usually use a test developed by specialists at Stanford University. But first, it’s enough to go through the simplest online diagnostics.

Diagnostic test “Are you shy?”

Assignment: Answer frankly “yes” or “no” to 10 questions.

For each “yes” answer, 1 point is given. “No” is not evaluated in any way. Interpretation:

• 0-4 points - you do not suffer from shyness;
• 5-6 points - mild shyness;
• 7-8 points - moderate;
• 9-10 - excessive, requiring work with a specialist.

If you score 5-8 points, you can try to overcome shyness on your own. There are many methods, but the results need to be constantly monitored. A month after starting classes, take this test again - if the situation does not improve or even worsens, it is advisable to consult a specialist.

Shyness

American researchers have proven that in childhood girls are more shy than boys. Manifestations of male and female shyness are different.

Men's

A shy man feels awkward when communicating with the opposite sex. Innate modesty is exacerbated by the popularity of virtual communication. When the interlocutor is invisible, shyness practically does not appear. But when it comes to real acquaintance, all courage disappears.

For a timid guy, there is only one main recommendation - to practice communicating with girls.

It is not necessary to immediately establish an acquaintance “with a continuation”. You can simply smile at a stranger you like, ask a trivial question, or offer to walk you home. In any case, you need to believe in yourself and not try to look like someone you really are not.

A sense of humor, which women greatly value, will be a great help in awkward situations. In addition, by developing self-esteem, the young man will feel much more confident.

Women's

Shyness and modesty give a woman a special mystery. A shy girl is now much less common than in the last century. The reason for this is emancipation and the fight for equal rights with men. Women are increasingly becoming managers and mastering “male” professions.

If shyness does not cause any inconvenience to a woman, there is no need to fight it by committing violence against her own will. Men consider a shy girl to be more feminine, soft and pleasant to talk to.

A beautiful, shy woman saves herself by acting as if she were a tower without windows or doors. (Jules Renard)

Kinds

Depending on the strength of manifestations, shyness can be:

• weak, manifesting itself only at the moment of meeting strangers or during speeches in front of a large audience (with a delay, but emotions are still taken under control);
• moderate, noticeable in the first minutes of communication with strangers, in a crowd, during public speaking (the person is very nervous and worried);
• strong, excessive, preventing full communication (there is no strength or opportunity to speak in front of people and get to know each other on your own).

Depending on the reasons for the development:

• congenital, due to temperament (or heredity, according to some);
• acquired (as a consequence of upbringing and position in society).

Depending on the situations:

• love shyness (a term from psychologist Brian Gilmartin), when a person cannot meet and establish contacts with members of the opposite sex;
• public - fear of speaking in front of any crowd of people or simply being in a crowd;
• social - the inability to establish interpersonal relationships with colleagues, friends, relatives, and acquaintances.

There is also an interesting study by American psychologist Paul Pilkonis, who worked with Philip Zimbardo for a long time. He notes that shyness can be not only external (manifested in the reluctance and inability to communicate and establish contacts), but also internal, when uncertainty, phobias and complexes are hidden behind a mask of bravado and feigned impudence.

Painful shyness

Almost all people experience shyness to varying degrees throughout their lives. Many people consider timid people to be sweet and kind. But this is not always true.

There are three degrees of shyness:

1. Weak. Almost all people experience it in a certain situation. Shyness in small doses does not have a negative impact on a person’s life.
2. Average. With this degree of shyness, a person feels awkward in the presence of a certain group of people. A young man can easily communicate with guys, but he gets lost in front of girls. Or an office worker easily communicates with colleagues, but in front of the head of the department he cannot put two words together and withdraws into himself.
3. An extreme degree of shyness is characteristic of an individual for whom communication, in principle, is difficult. It doesn’t matter who is in front of him (colleagues, friends or strangers), he tries to remain distant with everyone, speaking only after a direct question.

Severe neurosis caused by excessive shyness, in rare cases, leads to suicide and can paralyze consciousness.

Diagnosis and treatment of such pathology is carried out by psychologists using psychotherapy methods. Ordinary trainings will not help in this situation; they are effective only during the rehabilitation period.

The peculiarity of a painfully shy person is a constant internal analysis of the correctness of the actions taken in accordance with the situation, from the point of view of others. The dialogue with his inner supervisor on what to do in a particular case can be mentally conducted endlessly, exhausting the human psyche. A person uses his mind only to track the impression he makes.

Ways that painful shyness affects a person:

• memory impairment;
• short-term loss of self-respect;
• inability to make a decision;
• concern exclusively with oneself;
• self-isolation from society;
• problems in sexual life;
• tendency towards alcoholism.

Shy people, with their “I am a victim” attitude, facial expressions and appearance, themselves attract problems and failures.

Shyness sometimes hides serious personality illnesses of a psychotic level (schizophrenia).

Theories of shyness

There are five known versions of the origin of shyness.

Theories of the origin of shyness:

1. The theory of innate shyness. Its adherents are convinced that shyness, like mental abilities, is inherited. Psychologist R. Cattell developed a scale to determine the degree of shyness, in which he contrasted two character traits - self-confidence and timidity. In the course of the multifactor personality analysis proposed by him, the individual gets the result of how shy he is. The imperfection of this version is that researchers of human personality characteristics are confident that it is impossible to change the increased sensitivity of the nervous system to stressful situations. They are pessimistic and consider prudes to be people with an inferiority complex.
2. The theory of behaviorism. Behavioral psychologists consider shyness to be the result of a lack of correct communication skills, an individual’s instilling in himself of self-confidence in his inadequacy, and inability to communicate. Behaviorists propose to combat manifestations of isolation with educational measures.
3. Psychoanalytic theory. Psychoanalysts base their judgments on the pathology of shyness, social phobia, which in reality requires treatment. In their opinion, shyness is an external manifestation of an internal unconscious conflict.
4. Concept by A. Adler. Being a supporter of individual psychology, Adler first introduced the concept of “inferiority complex.” He was sure that in childhood all children are shy for a number of reasons: physical inferiority, lack of attention from adults, rejection. It depends on what position in life they choose whether they will remain insecure for the rest of their days.
5. Causal factors. Modern psychologists increasingly associate the appearance of shyness with the high reactivity of children. Kids instinctively protect themselves from psychological and physical overload by choosing one of two behavior options. Some children are drawn into confrontation and grow into self-confident individuals. Others avoid conflicts, communication, situations, developing shyness in themselves.

Representatives of different psychological trends identified various reasons for the emergence of isolation, but agreed on one thing: unsociability prevents a person from living fully, making new acquaintances, and communicating with others at work and at home.

Beware of the shy ones - they rule the world. (Yves Saint Laurent)

Test

You can determine the degree of your shyness using a test. Choose 1 option from 3 proposed answers.

1. Were you compared to other children as a child?

1. Yes, but only in my favor.
2. No, my parents thought it was inappropriate.
3. Yes, they criticized.

1. A colleague invites you to dinner after work.

1. Go, because you can get to know each other better.
2. You are anxiously thinking about topics to talk about.
3. Refuse to embarrass yourself out of concern.

1. In a cafe, you accidentally drop a cup of tea on a stranger.

1. Make jokes and apologize.
2. You get lost and ask for forgiveness.
3. You blush a lot and quickly leave.

1. Your friends criticize your hairstyle.

1. Laughingly say that she is not so terrible.
2. Wondering which hairstyle will suit you best?
3. You become isolated in yourself.

1. Your shyness.

1. It appears only in the first minutes of acquaintance.
2. Gives impetus to self-improvement.
3. Keeps you from taking advantage of life's opportunities.

If you get more “A” answers, this means you are not afraid of someone else’s assessment and have self-confidence. The predominance of answers “B” indicates the presence of a feeling of shyness, but very little and only in front of strangers. A large number of “C” answers indicates that shyness is preventing you from functioning normally in society. You should consult a psychologist to solve ingrained childhood problems.

Shyness is a natural protective manifestation of the psyche that is formed in childhood, but it is acceptable only in small quantities. Shyness in the form of a pathology prevents a person from communicating with people and achieving their goals.

Shy show business stars

Among celebrities there are many who do not like the spotlights. Who tries to hide from prying eyes by leaving the stage or filming another take.

Shy Star Rating:

1. Keanu Reeves. This actor does not live in a rich mansion, but in an ordinary apartment. It can often be seen on the subway, but rarely in famous restaurants. Keanu helps the homeless and donates money to fight cancer. He doesn't like to talk about his life and rarely gives interviews. Modesty and restraint give a special charm to a woman's favorite.
2. Natalie Portman. Natalie prefers studying to a career as an actress. She received two higher educations and said more than once: “I’d rather be educated than a movie star.” At the beginning of her acting career, the actress rejected the offer to play Lolita. Many stars dreamed of this role, but Natalie considered it too provocative. Modest Natalie Portman prefers to shine with her intellect rather than with explicit scenes on film sets.
3. Alexey Chumakov. Despite the vocal successes that Alexey achieved at competitions, and the mass of fans of his talent, he remained a shy guy. Alexey does not flaunt his personal life. Even at the singer’s wedding, only 12 of his closest people were present.
4. Natalya Vodyanova. This shy Russian beauty is very famous. She achieved success thanks to her appearance and hard work. Natalia finished her career as a supermodel, but is actively involved in charity work. She does not like to advertise her life, she has never been a participant in scandalous stories.
5. Kristen Stewart. Journalists call the actress rude and arrogant. But behind this mask hides the girl’s shy nature. She does not like excessive attention to her person. Kristen feels especially awkward during interviews when she has to answer questions about herself and her life.

Filming or performing on stage hides the shy nature of stars. It's as if they are living a different life. They feel most difficult when communicating with correspondents or TV presenters during interviews. After all, it is precisely the reluctance to talk about oneself publicly that reveals timid people.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

And also...

• Look for motivation! For example, career. Or a loved one. Or the dream is to dance tango on stage.
• Analyze your life and find the reasons for your shyness.
• Learn from other people's experiences with shyness.
• Develop a sense of humor - it helps to maintain inner balance even in the most extreme situations.
• Fight fears : study your fears under a magnifying glass, simulate situations of getting rid of fears.
• Do more stupid things and become daring . For example, buy yourself a motorcycle instead of a car. Or sing a song on the balcony in the middle of the night - loudly so that everyone can hear. Change your image radically so that everyone will be stunned by what a fatal beauty you turn out to be. Invite someone you like for a walk.
• Play sports . Sport not only gives you beautiful shape, but also strengthens the spirit and also raises self-esteem. Immediately sign up for a gym and look for a trainer who will teach you not only how to create a sculpted body, but how to be yourself.
• Constantly ask passers-by how long it is and how to get to house No. 14 . It doesn’t matter that you have a watch, but there is no house number 14 on this street - just ask. Every day - 20-30 times, regardless of gender and age.