How to survive your husband’s betrayal and save your family: advice from a psychologist

The main reasons for male infidelity

A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:

Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
“Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.

Other reasons include:

the need to assert one’s personality;
desire to increase self-esteem;
search for new experiences;
the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.

It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.

How does the virus work?

But the causes of post-Covid mental disorders are not only fears for one’s life. Here the actual factors of the disease begin to play a role. Lack of oxygen in the body also leads to poor supply to the brain. This effect can lead to a variety of consequences for the nervous system.

According to a study by Italian doctors published in the journal Brain, Behavior and Immunity, 55% of patients who recovered from Covid experienced some kind of mental problems. Scientists who surveyed 402 people associate them with hormonal imbalances, which are provoked by the immune system resisting the virus. Another reason for negative mental consequences is the severe stress that the patient’s body experiences.

A subsequent study of the psyche of patients who had COVID-19 corrected the data of Italian specialists. Thus, a group of researchers from the USA and Great Britain received less pessimistic results. After a large-scale study of the medical histories of more than 230 thousand people, scientists said that only 34% of Covid survivors complained of anxiety and personality disorder within six months.

Signs of betrayal

In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:

sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
avoiding hugs, light kisses;
new habits;
constantly getting stuck on the phone;
unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
setting passwords and clearing message history;
increased care for the car;
suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
the appearance of constant business, business trips.

These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.

Family education

A lot depends on upbringing and family relationships. Sometimes some kind of trauma, a psychological problem rooted deep in childhood, leads to betrayal. Misogynists are prone to adultery, showing in this way their aggression, which lies in the subconscious. Boys spoiled by their mother’s love and considering themselves “God’s gift” are no exception. They are constantly looking for someone who will idolize him as a mother, which they cannot find in real life, no matter how much their wife loves them.

Feeling like the top of a triangle, for the love of which the whole family is fighting each other, the boy in maturity comes to the fight of two women for his “beloved”, only for this he takes a mistress. There will always be such a triangle in his life, even if his wife changes. In this case, the secret makes no sense; he must see the struggle of the rivals.

Mom and son

But even in a large family, when you yourself have to fight off pieces of love, a fighter grows up, for whom in the future defeating his opponent and taking his woman away becomes the main thing in the relationship. Love has nothing to do with it, the main thing is victory.

It would be a big misconception to believe that a mama’s boy or a “henpecked man” is not capable of treason. Having chosen a caring “mommy” as his wife, he eventually begins to look for a sexual partner. He will never leave his wife, which his mistress is often aware of.

Basically, several options are mixed in one man, which led to infidelity. Treason has many faces. If there is no desire or determination to immediately drive the traitor away, then it is necessary to comprehend and try to understand the reason that prompted the partner to cheat. There is always hope to fix everything.

Behavior strategy by stages

Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.

Stages of experiencing betrayal:

Shock

As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.

At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.

Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.

Aggression

The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.

Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.

To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.

parting

Reboot

At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.

During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.

Recovery

The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.

Treatment of depression

If a person cannot cope with his condition on his own, he needs the help of a psychotherapist. Treatment of depression involves the use of various techniques aimed at relaxing the nervous system, calming down, and increasing self-esteem.

If the patient does not realize what is happening to him, hypnosis sessions are recommended. Immersion in a trance and precise adherence to the doctor’s commands makes it possible to travel back to childhood or adolescence, to determine the place and time when the psychological trauma was inflicted. In some cases, the patient requires consultation with a neurologist or psychiatrist if he develops other pathologies against the background of a depressive disorder.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.

Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:

the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
presence of children;
one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.

Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.

Covid as trauma

Specialists from the National Medical Research Center named after. V. M. Bekhterev believes that after COVID-19, patients experience symptoms characteristic of the so-called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

PTSD is a mental disorder that occurs after events that have a traumatic effect on the individual’s psyche. At the same time, the traumatic nature of the events that occurred is associated with a person’s feeling of helplessness, the inability to influence what is happening, and to resist danger. Characteristic symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks, nightmares, partial amnesia, emotional instability and panic attacks. These manifestations can occur not only immediately after a traumatic event, but also months and even years later.

PTSD is well known to psychiatrists - this disorder can occur after any event that traumatizes the individual’s psyche. And Covid may well be one of them.

Photo © Pixabay

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:

1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.

Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.

2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.

Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.

To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:

“Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
"The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
"Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
“Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
“Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.

3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.

You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.

4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.

5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.

6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.

7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.

Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.

Symptoms of depression in men

Psychiatry does not divide depression into male and female. This condition manifests itself equally in all people, regardless of gender and age. Signs of depressive disorders are formulated by the international classification of diseases. And if you notice one or more of them in a loved one, you should be wary.

It’s worth paying attention if a man has stopped enjoying those things that gave him pleasure before. For example, he happily went fishing, but now he refuses to do it. Or if he is increasingly in a bad, depressed mood, he tries to leave the house as little as possible, and in his free time he prefers not to get out of bed.

In addition to the external signs of depression in a man, there are also internal ones. “Boys don’t cry” - this is how men are raised in modern society. But precisely because of this, all the internal experiences that torment a person and increase melancholy are not brought out. Men are not used to discussing problems with their wives and girlfriends. And with depression, multiple negative thoughts may arise:

about personal or professional insolvency;
about the lack of prospects in life;
feeling of guilt.

Against this background, attention decreases and intellectual functions deteriorate. The person becomes distracted and cannot remember important information or concentrate on important work. There is also a decrease in sexual desire for the spouse, sleep is disturbed, and appetite usually decreases.

pixabay.com/

Mistakes women make when caught cheating

Espionage. You shouldn't spy on a loving couple. It adds neither pride nor dignity.
Tears and humiliation. Out of pity, a man will definitely not want to return, and if he does, what kind of a compassionate marriage will it be... Marriage is a relationship based on mutual respect, not on pity. So, first of all, we must not forget about pride.
Notify everyone around you about the betrayal. Everyone has enough problems of their own. When other people's problems and misfortunes are blamed on them, few will be delighted. At most, they can gossip about this topic behind their back. And if the wife forgets about the betrayal, they may also giggle at the scandalous couple.
You shouldn’t burden yourself even more and find out details about your mistress. This will do nothing but cause more negativity.