Emotional self-regulation: how to stop being angry

This emotion is familiar to everyone. It is like volcanic lava flowing through the veins: as soon as its strong energy overtakes us, our body begins to feel a gradually increasing tension, the heart quickens its rhythm, everything inside is compressed as if in a vice. In such a state, a person is prone to rash actions, and it is difficult for him to remain adequate. And if this eruption of emotions is not stopped in time, the consequences can be serious and much more destructive.

It's about anger. We habitually classify this feeling as negative, condemn its manifestation in every possible way and try to suppress it, forgetting that anger is the basic emotion of a person, which he experiences from birth, and the best way to make friends with it is to learn to control it and direct it in the right direction.

If you are currently in a state of anger, we recommend spending time reading our article with a cup of delicious tea - this will be your first step towards emotional self-regulation. We will tell you what causes anger and how to stop being angry and irritated.

What does science say?

Did you know that anger and anger originate at the genetic level? This is confirmed by a study conducted by scientists from the University of Bonn in 2009. They found that there is a specific genetic mechanism that is responsible for outbursts of anger. To do this, the researchers surveyed more than 800 German residents to determine their tendency to express anger, and conducted a genetic test on each of them.

The experiment revealed that those who experienced anger more often were carriers of the T-allele (variant) of the rs907094 gene, which is responsible for the production of the DARPP-32 gene [RIA Novosti, 2009].

Next, the researchers studied the relationship between genetic characteristics and the structure of the brain, or rather its individual parts that are responsible for emotions. It turned out that people prone to anger had an enlarged left amygdala.

The amygdala is located in the temporal part of the brain. When activated, it transmits a signal to the hypothalamus, which sends a signal to the pituitary gland. As a result of this, the pituitary gland begins to secrete adrenocorticotropic hormone, and then the adrenal glands release adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol. Simply put, the amygdala triggers the fight-or-flight response, which increases blood pressure and causes the heart to work under stress [R. Khusainov, 2021].

What do you think of this scientific conclusion: those who get angry most often overestimate their intellectual abilities? The following experiment was conducted: scientists asked people to rate their level of anger, and then rate their level of intelligence on a scale from 1 to 25. Then they took tests that determined their real level of intelligence. As a result, it turned out that the most irritable of them overestimated their mental abilities [M. Zajenkowski, 2018].

As you can see, anger has a direct relationship with body processes and even with genetics. A person in a state of irritation is not able to adequately assess the situation, because guided by emotions, not reason. These facts are further confirmation that you need to be able to get angry correctly.

Avoid communicating with provocateurs and trolls

There is a category of people who like to deliberately piss others off. They, like parasites, feed on other people's negative energy. The stronger the other party's emotional response, the more pleasure such people receive.

If you are a very impressionable and emotional person, you better avoid these comrades a mile away. How to recognize them? Their favorite habitat is the Internet. In the vastness of the World Wide Web, they can frolic to their heart's content while remaining unpunished.

There are many trolls in various social communities, especially political ones. They choose a victim and begin to provoke him into conflict. They use insults, ridicule of someone else's point of view, and distortion of facts. Moreover, the provocateurs themselves are indifferent to such actions against them. It is extremely difficult to promote them emotionally. By the way, this is something worth learning from them.

A provocateur can, for example, enter a community of fans of a famous artist and start throwing mud at him. Or start promoting childfree ideas in a public for young mothers.

If you already know a little how to manage your emotions, try using provocateurs for training. When entering into a duel with them, try to remain calm and not react to their antics. Focus on getting the provocateur emotional and thus winning. Just don’t get too carried away, otherwise you risk joining their ranks.

So what is the reason?

For some, spilled coffee in the morning is enough to make them furious, while others are very reserved by nature, and it takes a lot of effort to upset such a person. Everyone has their own threshold for anger, and there can be many reasons for the appearance of such an emotion.

Clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg identifies the most common of them. Here they are:

Lack of understanding between people, false suspicions: it happens that it seems to us that the other person is negatively disposed towards us. These sensations may not be supported by anything and be based only on an internal feeling, so often such suspicions turn out to be false. To avoid misunderstandings, it is better to immediately discuss the issue of concern with the person concerned.
Feeling abandoned: This feeling occurs after certain actions. Perhaps you feel like someone has ignored you or is even using you for personal gain? Maybe you didn't get the attention you needed when you most needed it? But, before you classify yourself as a person invisible to those around you, make sure that you are not mistaken. Perhaps your colleagues are simply convinced that you don't like parties and that's why you weren't invited, and not because they treat you badly.
Feeling like you've reached your breaking point: This is especially common in married couples who can no longer tolerate their partner's behavior and the relationship begins to cause not just discomfort, but pain. In such a state, a person often says: “That’s it! I can not do it anymore! My patience has run out!”
Envy: not everyone can be happy for other people. Of course, this is due to dissatisfaction with oneself, low self-esteem, and internal problems. By showing envy, a person feels anger towards someone who is more successful and understands his inadequacy.
Inflated expectations: you should not measure people’s actions by your own and expect from them what they may not give you. If you are used to helping those in need, this does not mean that everyone is also ready to lend a helping hand [B. Greenberg, 2021].

If among these reasons you find one that causes anger in you, then you have already come halfway towards stabilizing your emotional state. It’s like in medicine: a doctor cannot cure a disease if he does not know the nature of its occurrence. Do you agree?

By the way, an interesting study was conducted by American scientists. They found that sleep directly affects the emotional state. Researchers studied diary entries from 202 college students who tracked their sleep patterns and how often they felt angry or angry. The result was that they were most angry after sleeping less than usual.

For the purity of the experiment, scientists observed 147 local residents, some of whom adhered to their usual sleep schedule, while others slept no more than 5 hours a day for several days in a row. After this, they were periodically stressed with unpleasant noise. As a result, those who slept well quickly adapted to the irritating factor and after a couple of days were less angry, and those who slept less than normal experienced anger in response to the noise [G. Hisler, A. Miller, Z. Krizan, 2020].

Surely you yourself have noticed how, after a bad sleep, you became less productive, lost concentration and began to get irritated over trifles. In this case, you need to act according to the well-known instructions: in any incomprehensible situation, go to bed.

Some people are more prone to excessive irritability than others due to their temperament, certain character traits, i.e. The presence of anger depends on the personality of the person himself.

Of course, the emotional state of a mature person is also influenced by situations experienced in childhood or by the behavior pattern of parents. It happens that a person can simultaneously experience a psychological problem and a biological need, which also causes anger. For example, an unpleasant situation arose at work and, on top of that, the employee did not have time to have lunch, so he remained hungry for the whole day. It is unlikely that he will experience happiness at such a moment.

The perception of the situation that has happened directly affects the emotional background. Someone will give up if suddenly something doesn’t go according to plan, and someone will get seriously angry and bring themselves to a stressful state.

Generally speaking, the factors that cause anger can be divided into groups:

Biological factors: every person cares about his physical condition of the body. Remember Maslow’s pyramid of needs: it is based on physiological needs; if they are not satisfied first, then further movement is simply impossible. It is important for all of us to eat well and get enough sleep; our physical health and psycho-emotional state depend on it.
Psychological factors: here we are talking about character traits, characteristics of the human psyche and personality type. Some people do not know how to defend their boundaries due to their isolation, others do not adequately evaluate themselves (narcissism). All this contributes to the accumulation of irritability.
Sociocultural factors: this may include dissatisfaction with one’s position at work, problems in the family, financial issues, etc. [T. Sharanda, 2019].

Anger is a natural human reaction to some irritants and a fairly common emotion today, which can have a serious impact on the human body. We have already talked about the amygdala, which is activated when anger is expressed and makes the heart work harder. So, this can lead to cardiovascular diseases and even stroke or heart attack.

Anger is a condition that is accompanied by increased nervousness, and as we all already know, many diseases are caused by nerves. This emotion can lead to stomach and intestinal diseases and even contribute to slow healing of wounds [R. Khusainov, 2017].

By the way, illnesses themselves are also the cause of anger: when a person is sick, he begins to feel disadvantaged and worse than others, a feeling of inferiority and dissatisfaction with life appears.

In addition to health issues, someone who is often angry may have problems in relationships with people and even the law if he does not know how to control himself and translate his condition into creativity. By the way, about creativity: yes, even such a negative, at first glance, emotion can become an excellent engine for achievements. Let's talk about this in more detail.

Letting out emotions

I’ll say right away that the word “calm down” does not work. Especially when it is said at the peak of emotions. Yes, you can calm down long and hard, suppress anger, but then something will be the last straw. And now before us is no longer just an angry person, but an enraged one. So, if you understand that emotions have accumulated, then they need to be brought out. How to do this without causing harm (mental and physical) to yourself and others?

PS The methods have been personally tested. Their essence is the same - to reduce the jumping level of hormones.

Hit the pillow.
Tear up the newspaper.
Scream. Not at someone, but into the emptiness of an endless field and forest. Release your anger.
Clench and unclench your fists.
Do push-ups, run, walk.
Take a deep breath and hold your breath.
Meditate, do auto-training, master self-regulation techniques.
Draw.
Dance.
Clean up your house.
Write your emotions, complaints, describe your condition. You can break a pen or pencil (from the force of pressure), but you must express all the pain on paper. It's good if the letter has an addressee. After this, burn the sheet.
Draw. Any strokes, lines. Create something completely chaotic on the sheet, cross it out. Don't control the pressure. Now look. This is your anger. This black (blue) shapeless (or shaped) spot is your anger. It sits in you. What is this lump of? Grievances? Emptiness? What can this be replaced with or filled in with?

Akin to the advice to calm down is the option of counting to 10. Of course, it helps some, but more often it gives time to accelerate before the flash. Taking a deep breath is a more effective idea. The brain will be saturated with oxygen, the balance of hormones will quickly change, and you will be able to take a sober look at the situation.

“I was choking with anger and hatred. I didn’t hate society—an abstraction invented by worthless sociologists—I hated the entire universe. I wanted to hurt her in revenge for the pain caused to me,” A. Murdoch.

Isn't everything so bad?

Have you identified the main reasons for your anger? Great! Now you need to learn to work with your emotional state, and for this you need to listen to your feelings. Think about whether what makes you angry is really worth your nerves? Is it possible to painlessly eliminate the cause of indignation? Will this reason for you to be angry tomorrow be as serious as it was today?

Surely, by answering these questions, you will feel better. Now imagine that anger can be turned into a plus and even benefit from it for yourself. This condition has significant advantages:

By throwing out your anger, you will achieve calmness: remember we said that when we are angry, the body experiences stress? And when we experience stress, we get even more angry, because we want to quickly get rid of this condition. Try to express your anger (only in a way that is safe for others) and you will feel how your body reaches maximum relaxation after the outburst of emotions.
Showing anger at work can increase productivity: of course, no one is asking you to destroy your desk if something goes wrong. The point is that sometimes it is useful to show colleagues that you are unhappy with the situation, thereby emphasizing priority tasks and their importance.
With the help of anger, we achieve our goals faster: often we get angry because we cannot achieve something. Anger gives us energy that helps us overcome obstacles on the way to our goal. Imagine an athlete who would give up every time his opponent won. If everyone acted according to this principle, Olympic champions would not be such.
The manifestation of negative emotions is the prevention of a nervous breakdown: if you feel angry, the main thing is not to keep it to yourself. Do not accumulate emotions, otherwise it will result in a serious psychological problem. Show them off in an “eco-friendly” way. Don't like your job and are angry every morning because you have to go to it? Gather all your will into a fist, get angry at your inaction and find something for yourself that will give you pleasure.
Anger helps you understand what exactly you need to work on or what needs to be changed in your life: at the moment when emotions reach their limit, try to slow down the outburst of your feelings and concentrate on what exactly brought you to this state. Is your significant other's behavior annoying? Wonderful! Now you know what was slowing down the development of relations and you can then work on it together [Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of Moscow, 2021].

Anger is a driving energy that gives us courage and strength to achieve our goals, fight back against our offenders, and defend our interests and boundaries. Correct management of this energy opens up new opportunities, horizons, helps to set priorities correctly, go beyond the usual and even create unique things and works of art.

Now let's talk more about how to calm down and stop being angry.

Get rid of expectations

The most common cause of anger is unjustified expectations towards others and oneself. A person can make grandiose plans in his own head, without taking into account the will of others. When it turns out that other people are in no hurry to implement these plans, a person may lose his temper.

You need to get rid of expectations. You can't even imagine how interesting and exciting life can become if you add a healthy dose of not giving a damn. Allow people to be who they want to be and act according to their will.

Don't try to push, pull, or manipulate. Treat them and life in general with respect. Rely only on yourself, don’t expect anyone to make your wishes come true. Then you will have practically no reasons for anger, and communication will begin to bring pure pleasure.

How to deal with anger?

The first thing you need to understand is that you don’t need to keep anger inside yourself, ignoring this condition. We already know what this entails, so first of all, just accept the fact that it’s normal to be angry, it’s a natural reaction of the body to irritating factors.

Self-knowledge and self-regulation will help channel the energy of anger in the right direction. Answer yourself the question of what exactly made you angry. Learn to predict your reaction and control the process of mood changes in advance.

Here are some tips from experts on how to stop getting angry and irritated with people :

Don't scold yourself for feeling angry: when a person begins to be ashamed of his feelings, he withdraws within himself. It’s not for nothing that psychologists recommend working through your anger in groups, because... This is how a person understands that he is not the only one who experiences such a state, and relaxes.
Do a reality check: the reason for our anger is not always true. If someone you know doesn't answer your phone, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to talk to you or don't respect you. Perhaps he is just busy at the moment or his phone is completely broken. Clarify the reason and only then give vent to your emotions (in a safe form) if there is a reason.
Assess whether the situation is worth your emotions: anger is a powerful state, like a hurricane (it will either destroy or pass quickly and unnoticed). Are you sure that a broken cup or a traffic jam are really serious reasons for indignation?
Decide what you feel and really want: you should not avoid expressing your feelings and desires. You have the right to openly say that you don’t like something, to share your opinion, because not all people can guess what you’re thinking; more precisely, they are not obliged to do this.
Don’t overestimate your demands: you shouldn’t expect help from someone who is not inclined to give it. Don't measure other people's views and actions by your own. Just because you are generous by nature doesn't mean everyone else is. And that's absolutely normal. Simply put, don't expect much from people, and there will be no reason to be upset or offended.
Recognize the difference: no two people are exactly alike. Everyone has their own set of qualities, beliefs and habits; each person is a unique personality. Once you understand this, it will be easier for you to accept the things that used to make you angry, for example, your friend’s constant tardiness or your significant other’s excessive curiosity.
Face your inner critic: You probably often hear a voice inside yourself that periodically persistently reminds you that you haven’t done a good enough job or that you yourself are not very good. Self-criticism is a good thing, but it should be in moderation. Agree with your inner critic, learn to turn it off, or at least not take it too painfully for yourself [Woolfson, 2019].

These are basic steps that will help normalize your emotional state and not cross the line between destructive and creative anger.

Anger is the energy of movement, which triggers certain physiological processes in the body, therefore you can normalize your emotional state with the help of physical activity: stand up if you were sitting, sit down if you were standing. Work with your hands: shake your hands, clench and unclench your fists. Do some physical exercises: push-ups, squats, hit a punching bag.

When you are angry, adrenaline is produced, so it is necessary to release the seething energy in a safe way. Sport is the most suitable method (or go to a party, dance your heart out, and then you simply won’t have the strength to be angry).

Our body can be tricked into showing it that there is no need for the fight and flight mode. To do this you need to do the following:

Sit down: when the situation gets tense, the person takes a fighting pose - stands up. Our task is to get out of the warrior state, so just sit back, relax as much as possible, lean on the back of the chair, and if possible, lie down.
Breathe: in a state of tension, breathing quickens, so take 10 deep breaths and exhales, try to breathe with your stomach. This way you will fill your lungs with oxygen, and your body will change its mind about “fighting”.
Stretch: Stretching helps relax your muscles. If possible, do yoga. This way you can put in order not only your physical condition, but also your thoughts [V. Kirilochkina, 2019].

By the way, how do you feel about heavy music? If your neighbors often turn it on at full volume and it makes you angry, we advise you to listen to what they are listening to, this will help you calm down faster. Scientists at the University of Queensland conducted an interesting experiment: they studied 39 fans of “extreme” music. To begin with, participants described situations that made them angry for 16 minutes, then listened to music for 10 minutes, and then were in complete silence for another 10 minutes.

The study found that being in silence was just as relaxing as listening to hard rock music. Music helped them experience the whole gamut of emotions, be filled with inspiration and cope with negative emotions [L. Sharman, G. Dingle, 2015].

To achieve emotional balance, try shouting to the same music along with its performer. Screaming helps to throw out negativity. Or just scream into the void, into the pillow, just don’t lash out at the offender or the one who came to hand.

Another way to help you stop being angry and offended (offense is the result of unrealized anger) is to write a letter. Tell us about your feelings in it, describe your emotions. There is no need to restrain yourself here; write everything you think, and then burn this letter or tear it up. All your negativity will remain on paper, and this is much better than taking out your anger on a loved one.

If you feel growing irritation literally starting to fill you from the inside, pick up a rag or broom. Occupational therapy is another magic pill. Disassemble the closet, rearrange it, wash the windows. Take on what will require the maximum of your energy.

There is no universal advice on how to stop being angry with your husband, wife or any other person. It is better to use all methods in a comprehensive manner, so you will quickly achieve peace of mind and put your thoughts in order. Don’t be afraid to discuss your feelings, because dealing with such emotions alone is much more difficult. Try to think less about what made you angry, and even more so remember past grievances. By stressing himself out with thoughts about the offender, a person begins to lose his temper over trifles.

When we replay situations in our heads that made us angry, we make ourselves even more nervous. This is evidenced by the research of Brad Bushman, a professor at Ohio University: he assigned students to write an essay, and then their work was criticized by a “dummy student.” Next, one part of the students was asked to think about the offender and hit a punching bag, and the other part was asked to concentrate on their movements. As a result, those who constantly thought about the source of their anger hit the bag much more aggressively than others [B. Bushman, 2001].

How to stop being angry with a child?

If you suddenly become angry with your child, do not scold yourself for it. Showing anger doesn't mean you don't love him or that you're a bad parent. Most likely, this is a consequence of fatigue, because you devote so much time to your child. Fatigue is normal and natural in such a situation; it is important to learn how to replenish your energy on time and find time for yourself, your hobbies and favorite things.

In any case, no matter what causes your irritation, remember the rule that flight attendants constantly tell us when explaining how to behave in an extreme situation on board an airplane: provide an oxygen mask first for yourself, then for the child. That's right: if you find yourself in a crisis, you will not be able to give the necessary energy, warmth and love to the baby, so first save yourself, find the cause of your anger and eliminate it, fill yourself with “oxygen.”

Children have poorly developed emotional intelligence. They need to talk about their feelings openly. Say, “I'm upset that you did this. I’m angry now, so let’s talk when I calm down.” This way, the child will understand how you feel at the moment, and you will feel relieved even just from speaking out, and you will not want to raise your voice. To better understand emotions and learn how to manage them, we recommend that you read Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence.”

Learn to catch the first signals of anger and stop. Someone begins to breathe quickly, someone clenches their teeth. As soon as the bell rings, take a break. Step aside, drink some tea, take a break. To completely move away from the conflict, you only need to spend half an hour outside its borders. Agree, 30 minutes is nothing compared to what the consequences can be if you don’t restrain yourself in time. For some great advice on how to deal with emotions as new parents, read John Gottman and Julie Schwartz-Gott's book [L. Khaziakhmetova, 2020].

Remember, your emotional background and behavior pattern are transferred to the child very quickly. Set an example for him to have a healthy relationship. Instead of expressing your feelings by shouting, establish physical contact with him: hug him, take his hand, talk about what worries you.

How to deal with anger at work?

Irritation really throws you off your work rut, and there can be many reasons for this state to arise: the task was not completed on time, the boss expressed his dissatisfaction, excessive responsibility and fear of letting you down, etc.

Breathing exercises will help you quickly return to normal and not give free rein to your negative emotions. For example, slow your breathing (but don't hold it). Try to increase the exhalation time by 2-3 times compared to inhalation, while the inhalation should remain smooth and the process itself should be comfortable.

Use abstract thinking: imagine your offender in an absurd situation, in a funny way, or remember what makes you laugh. This way you will switch from negative emotions to positive ones. In the workplace, it's not always possible to isolate yourself from a situation that makes you angry, so create an imaginary fence that protects you from the irritants. If your anger is caused by your clients, build a wall or hide yourself in an impenetrable dome while talking to them.

Take a break from the annoying situation, walk up the stairs or go outside for 5 minutes, watch passers-by through the window. Draw your emotions on paper, and if you are constantly angry with a particular person, create a caricature of him and look at it every time a wave of indignation overtakes you [“Commercial Director”, 2019].

No matter who or what is causing your anger, it is important to be able to control your emotions. If you learn simple self-regulation techniques, you can easily cope with stress in various areas of life, difficult relationships, and aggression. By the way, our online program “Mental Self-Regulation” will help you with this. We recommend!

Avoid pointless arguments

In a dispute, it is much more often not truth that is born, but aggression. Especially when the subject of the dispute is not objective things, but views, judgments, conclusions and conclusions. In the first case, you can quickly resolve the dispute by resorting to Google. But one can argue endlessly about subjective points of view.

If you are an emotional, hot-tempered, impulsive person, arguments are strictly contraindicated for you. Learn to express your point of view without entering into open confrontation. The following phrases will help you.

“I heard you. But, unfortunately, I cannot agree.”
“I take a different point of view.”
“I have no desire to argue with you. Let everyone remain to their own opinion.”
“I respect your point of view, but it contradicts my principles.”

And you should refrain from the following phrases.

"You're wrong".
“Your arguments are baseless.”
“You don’t understand anything about this.”
“Don’t argue with me, I know better.”

Summary

Anger is a natural emotion that is common to absolutely everyone. There is no need to be ashamed of it, much less turn a blind eye to your negative state, otherwise the body literally risks getting sick. There can be many reasons for irritation, so it is important to start with the prevention of anger: do not pay attention to the little things and avoid situations that can make you angry.

How to stop getting angry over trifles? It's simple: learn to separate the serious from the frivolous. Ask yourself if the situation is worth your nerves and are you willing to put your health on the scale for the sake of a few minutes of anger?

In any case, no matter what makes you angry, you need to be able to react to your emotions in a timely manner and direct them in the right direction. Play sports, take a walk in the park, pick up paints and start creating. Let your energy become a driving force for you, not a destructive one.

We wish you peace of mind!

Yes, be sure to share your experience with us:

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
Anger: causes and overcoming
12 Anger Management Strategies
How to manage anger?
How to manage anger
Emotions and health: how they are interconnected
Mindfulness and its benefits
“Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman: book summary
Is there a connection between humor and intelligence?
Anger management: a selection of useful materials
Ability to understand emotional state

Key words:1Psychoregulation

Analyze situations that cause anger

Observe yourself and try to identify the triggers that trigger aggressive impulses. This could be a specific word, phrase, some action in your direction. Analyze why such an inadequate reaction occurs. Most likely, the psyche turns on defense, trying to protect itself from something.

Let me give you an example. My friend couldn’t get pregnant for a long time, although she and her husband really wanted a child. She was very worried and suffered about this. When someone touched on the topic of motherhood in her presence, she could say something angrily, start swearing, and raise her voice. Then, naturally, she apologized and repented.

Knowing your pain points, you can prevent anger and save your own and other people's nerve cells. Ask your loved ones not to talk about certain topics in your presence. Avoid traumatic situations. And of course, take care of your mental health. If something “hurts” you, you need to work hard on it. If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist. It will help you extract all your cockroaches from your subconscious and deal with them.

Awareness of the problem of irritation within yourself

If you often experience anger and irritation, seemingly out of the blue, try asking yourself a few questions:

Is it the person's fault that you are irritated? Perhaps the interlocutor simply cannot formulate his thought correctly and does not want to upset you at all. Try to listen and understand what the person who you think has offended you wants to convey to you. This is better than immediately breaking down and taking communication in a negative direction.
Doesn't the reason lie with you? Increased irritability can be a defensive reaction if you are very insecure.
What do you want from the conversation? Do you like it when people yell and get angry in response? Because this is exactly the reaction your interlocutor will have to your irritation: negativity begets negativity. Do you want this?

The best ways to be calm and not nervous in any situation

Watching from the window is embarrassing and painful. What to do if you are faced with a choice?

First, make a list: what ways in your picture of the world are there to express your civic position?

How to make a choice. Close your eyes and say one choice, for example: “I’m going for a walk around the city today,” and listen to your body: did it shrink or expand? Has it become warm? Got goosebumps? Is there heaviness? What words can describe your feelings? Remember them. Breathe.

Now say the second choice: “I stay at home and do this,” what happened to your body? What does it feel like? What words can you use to describe them?

Go through all the points and choose the most pleasant feeling. Where the body relaxes, expands, warmth is felt.

How to behave with inappropriate people: psychologists advise

read books

I offer a selection of books that will help you better understand the nature of anger and reduce its manifestations:

“Anger Management” by Dan Dubravin;
“How to get rid of resentment and anger” Pavel Fedorenko, Ilya Kachay;
“Taming Anger” by Gary Chapman;
“Practice joy. How to manage anger” Thich Nhat Hanh;
“Tame your dragon. Anger in the family” Ekaterina Burmistrova;
“Healing from Anger” Dalai Lama XIV;
“Fear, anger, sadness and joy” Yulia Panfilova.

Practices to alleviate psychological conditions

Some useful tips from the Tolerate Uncertainty blog and our past materials:

Safe place. Imagine yourself in a place where you feel good and safe (real or any fantasy). Pay attention to the details, feel the feeling of security and comfort.
Remember who you are. Remind yourself of who you are, what your successes and achievements are, who you love, where you want to go, what kind of breakfast you like. You are not a thin, defenseless cobweb in the hands of strangers, but a very specific person with your own history and your own “I”. You are important.
Support. If you are standing, feel the floor with your feet; if you are sitting, feel the back of the chair, the seat. Concentrate on this feeling of support beneath you for a few minutes.
What happens is like a story. Take the position of observer, storyteller, director. Remember what is happening and the details, imagining how you will write a book about it or make a film, tell your friends.
Let out your rage. You can hit pillows, break cardboard boxes, break dishes, tear up pieces of paper.
Cleaning the brain. When you feel an influx of disturbing thoughts, imagine that your brain is filled with garbage. Choose a tool (broom, vacuum cleaner, brush, robot vacuum cleaner), a method (for example, place yourself with a brush in the brain or attach a hose from a vacuum cleaner to the back of the head) and imagine how all the garbage is collected and the brain is cleansed. Dust, tangled threads, scraps of paper, candy wrappers - watch carefully how they disappear into the “mind sucker”. Thoughts come in the form of sounding words (your own or someone else’s) - imagine some kind of buzzing that also draws you there. After mental cleansing, look into your head and state the fact: “emptiness...”, “silence...”.

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Sublimate your anger

Transforming the energy of anger into creativity is aerobatics. Great artists, musicians, and sculptors master this art perfectly. I'll tell you a funny story about the artist Michelangelo Buonarroti.

While he was working on the Sistine Chapel, he was constantly pestered by an official named Biagio da Cesena. Being a stupid person and far from art, he criticized the work of the great master and found fault with every little thing. Buonarroti had a very hot temper. Once he even threw a bucket of paint at the Pope himself, who came to hurry the artist.

However, this time Michelangelo did not immediately take out his anger. He came up with a more sophisticated way. He depicted the official on a fragment of the Sistine Chapel in the image of the hero of Greek myths, King Minos, with donkey ears. But this was not enough for the master. The apogee of revenge was the snake entwining the king’s body and biting him on the genitals.

In this unusual way, the artist achieved two goals at once: curbing his anger and punishing the offender. We are unlikely to be able to repeat him, but the general principle is worth understanding. The next time you feel angry, try channeling the resulting energy into something useful.

The easiest way is to use it to destroy what you no longer need. For example, prepare the apartment for renovation: tear off the wallpaper, remove tiles, etc. Or get rid of the trash that you haven’t decided to throw away for a long time.