Crisis of 5 years in a child - advice from a psychologist to parents

In order to make it easier for parents to communicate with their children during the period of pre-New Year stress, we recently, with the help of psychologist Olga Makhovskaya, looked at the most common causes of hysterics, and also told us how to cope with a hysteria if it has already begun. Today there are three stories in which a 5-6 year old child throws a tantrum, not a dumb kid, but a completely conscious person, as it seems to parents. And “debriefing” - the causes of hysterics in the situations described.

Stages of a child’s psychological maturation

A child’s behavior directly depends on the level of brain development. In early childhood, neural connections are formed, which in the future will determine the basic skills of a person: speech, motor skills, memory, reaction. In infancy, we learn about the world around us, learn to interact with living beings and objects.

Let's look at the main stages of growing up that parents should know about.

1. Infancy (from birth to 1 year). The most active period. At 12 months, a newborn learns to understand simple speech and the purpose of objects. The child stands, walks, and tries to pronounce his first words. The foundation for further personal development is laid.
2. Early age (from 1 year to 3 years). The child depends on his father and mother, but strives for independence, finding his own “I”. Establishes cause-and-effect relationships between things. There is a noticeable desire to communicate with other children. The period ends with a crisis at the age of three: the dominant phrase in speech becomes “I myself!”, the baby throws tantrums, manipulates, gets what he wants at any cost. The main goal is to gain personal space and set boundaries.
3. Preschool age (from 3 to 7 years). A long period of childhood. The child’s social circle is expanding: relatives, friends, teachers, casual acquaintances. Play becomes the main activity. With its help, social roles, beliefs, and views are determined. A crisis arises at the age of five, which we will talk about in more detail.
4. Junior school age (7-12 years). Education plays an important role. Children gain social status and determine their area of ​​interest. There is a transition to abstract-logical thinking.
5. Teenage years. The physical development of the body is completed. Puberty is accompanied by rebellion, a rejection of old principles. A person develops a new system of judgment and matures.

Important

Understand and accept the main thing - the crisis of 5 years in children is a given that cannot be avoided. And only in your hands is the opportunity to make life as easy as possible for your baby and yourself, based on the experience of child psychology specialists and parents who have already encountered this problem.

What's good about a five-year-old's crisis?

Against the background of unbalanced behavior, it is during the crisis of five years that the child shows all his inclinations and strengths, which can help determine in which direction the baby should develop.

If your child is busy with modeling, dancing, playing musical instruments, sports, drawing, singing, then the crisis is experienced without much difficulty. Children who have something to do know what they are striving for, are passionate about interesting things and tasks, and are, in fact, engaged in building the foundation of their future success.

Of course, no one guarantees you that your child will become a great musician or athlete, but all the knowledge, skills and abilities acquired at the age of five will certainly become part of the child’s personality and will help him to realize himself. Try not to miss the moment and help your child find himself in a useful and enjoyable activity.

A five-year-old baby, whose energy has been directed in the right direction, overcomes his age crisis with ease and benefit. Developed abilities at a tender age will help him in his youth to be head and shoulders above his peers: rationally make plans for life, set goals for himself and achieve them.

How does a child’s behavior and psychology change at 5 years old?

At the age of 5, individual character traits appear; the child freely expresses his opinion, realizing that his views may differ from those generally accepted. It's interesting to have a conversation with him. Children's observations at this age amaze adults with their originality and depth. The vocabulary is replenished, the child easily selects synonyms and rhymes, retells the plots of books, games, cartoons, and learns poems by heart.

Kids lie more often to check what the consequences will be: it is interesting to check possible scenarios. Children often have numerous imaginary friends - their imagination works in high gear. Long-term memory functions well.

There is an interest in describing feelings and emotions, playing with role models. Preschoolers aged 5-6 years are able to minimally care for themselves - dress, wash, use cutlery.

Preschooler acts like a little kid

Natasha is 6 years old. Her parents attribute her tantrums to developmental delays. She has long been able to read and write, but in problematic situations she hides behind the mask of a little girl and can begin to sob and curl her mouth as if she were 3 years old. It’s especially unpleasant when she starts “breaking her tongue” like a little girl, as if she can’t even pronounce “r”, roll her eyes and pretend to be a doll with flapping eyelashes.

But that's not so bad. Natasha does not stop there. When her parents begin to shame her for her antics, she throws herself on the sofa or the floor and begins to sob artificially, accusing everyone of not loving her.

In order not to see these scenes, dad takes his daughter by the hand and sends her to the nursery to “refresh herself.” Natasha is expected to deal with her emotions on her own. An hour later the girl is allowed to leave. Parents cannot shake the feeling that their daughter’s behavior is somehow inappropriate. They are afraid that in the future at school Natasha will start “throwing hysterics” at the teachers.

Why does a crisis occur at 5 years?

The child’s psyche and cerebral cortex develop daily, and the need for self-expression arises. Whims, unpredictable behavior, emotional outbursts, arguments - this is how personality is formed.

Communication with parents is disrupted, friends disappoint - children are haunted by a feeling of loneliness. Uncontrollability is explained by an attempt to attract the attention of elders, to confirm the significance of one’s opinion.

The child is aware of his biological sex, is interested in the differences between boys and girls, and tries to understand his place in the complex system of human relationships. It is not easy for a child to cope with the flow of incoming information, and he throws out the accumulated tension through stubbornness. Fortunately for parents, this is not forever.

5 ways to survive a child's tantrum (no more screaming and helplessness!)

Children's tantrums are a common story in the life of any parent. True, it can be difficult to survive them. Family consultant Jesse Bohnenkamp tells how to look at these exhausting episodes from the other side and make sure that powerlessness, guilt and rage do not overwhelm the parent so much at the time of children's screams and tears.

Don't take hysteria personally

To begin with, you should always remember that the child is not doing this on purpose. He's not trying to annoy you, make you angry, or make you feel awkward. Hysteria is one of the ways children communicate. Even adults can find it difficult to immediately cope with disappointment, anger or confusion, which can sometimes come in too powerful a wave. It is even more difficult for children to deal with all this negativity. No, they don't want to make you angry, they just have a hard time dealing with a certain emotion.

Be a helper, not a judge

Many parents are so lost at the moment of a child's hysteria that they simply do not know how to behave. Meanwhile, there is one good working scheme. First, you explain to the child exactly what happened and how he felt, and then calmly set boundaries (if necessary). For example, it might sound like this: “You really didn’t want to finish the game so you could go brush your teeth before bed. You were so angry that you wanted to hit me. I understand that it’s terribly unpleasant to be interrupted from an interesting game, but I don’t allow you to beat me.” Or: “Yes, you wanted a different shape of pasta, I understand. You expected there to be bows, but I welded spirals for you, and you were disappointed and angry. But I don’t allow food to be thrown on the floor.” If you try to act this way, you may be able to resist shouting or judgments like “how can you behave like that!”

Don't try to stop the hysteria quickly

This is the hardest part. It is not easy to be in the same space with a child who is screaming, screaming, hitting the floor or trying to bite you. Anyone would want this nightmare to end quickly (especially if there are a lot of judgmental spectators around). But trying to stop a tantrum without letting it pass is not a good idea.

Think of our emotions as tunnels, and we go through them like big, heavy trains. We cannot turn or go around this tunnel, we just need to feel this emotion to the end so that it lets us go. As soon as the child screams and sobs enough, he will automatically feel better. As a rule, the parents wait for the end of the hysteria (because it is awkward, uncomfortable, unpleasant for them), but it is best for the child to let off steam to the end.

Don't leave your child alone with his tantrum

It is very difficult for children, especially those under five years old, to cope with emotions on their own - it is important for them to receive our help. A child must have a reliable rock to cling to while waves of emotions wash over him from all sides. They need to understand that an adult is always there and hysteria will not affect your close relationships and love.

That is why you should not leave your child alone with his screams. Take him to a quiet place and be there with him. Please, no “go alone to your room since you’re acting like this.”

Don't blame your child for how he feels.

Toddlers are still learning to deal with and manage various emotions, so we should never instill in them that their feelings are bad and wrong. Remember the image with the tunnels? We have to show kids how to get through them. And not block the tunnel, leaving them inside without help. Our goal is to teach children not to panic or hysteria when a strong negative emotion approaches.

Instead of saying: “Well, stop crying already, everything is fine” or “Stop yelling over nonsense!” It’s better to say “I understand that you’re upset, but you can’t lie on the floor/hit me/throw things now.”

Of course, you need to set boundaries, explaining to the child how he can and cannot behave, but there is no need to judge his feelings. They are always appropriate - even if you are currently ashamed or uncomfortable about your child. After all, we want to raise adequate people who can control their emotions and communicate calmly and respectfully. The main thing is to always remember: you are the adult here, and you should not feel helpless. We support, guide, gently set boundaries - this is a working scheme.

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How long can the crisis last?

The duration of the crisis cannot be determined in advance: it depends on the individual characteristics of the child’s psyche, the reaction of adults, and the atmosphere in the family. The transition period does not begin strictly at 5 years - sometimes a little earlier or later. As a rule, it lasts from 1 month to 1 year.

The crisis of five years of age sometimes passes easily: parents do not even notice changes in the child’s behavior. Each case is individual, and your task is to prepare for possible difficulties and follow the advice of pediatricians and psychologists.

Whims and hysterics - to an unloved grandmother

Katya is 5 years old. She behaves almost impeccably at home and in the part-time group, where she takes great pleasure in modeling and dancing. Katya's dad and mom work, but the family has a nanny, Vita. And on weekends, Grandma Lida happily takes her granddaughter to her place.

There is also Grandma Vera, but Katya doesn’t like to go to her. Grandma Vera is offended by this. She believes that her granddaughter is being talked into, being turned against her, which is why Katya makes a scene for her and demands that she call her parents so that they can take her home. Katya's parents are angry with Grandma Vera: is it really difficult to cope with a little girl and let them rest for a few hours?

Grandma Vera tried to take Katya to classes, to the zoo, and to the children's theater. According to her, the girl has eaten like henbane: she resists, is capricious, whines, asks to eat, then sit down, then lie down. For no apparent reason he complains that his tummy hurts. When Katya’s parents come to take Katya home, both of them vying with each other to complain about each other, so you can’t tell which one is the little one.

Signs of the beginning of a crisis

How to understand that a crisis has arrived? It arises due to an internal conflict: the child discovers that desires and real possibilities do not coincide, and it is not possible to achieve complete autonomy - the parents control every step.

1. Unreasonable aggression. The kid is rude, snaps, refuses to follow requests. Pushes away relatives whom he used to love very much.
2. Hysterics. Minor failures bring tears: I couldn’t find my favorite car, I was forbidden to go outside.
3. The child imitates his elders, imitates them, tries to be an “adult.” Grimaces, adopts habits.
4. A need for solitude arises: children as young as five years old love to lock themselves in a room and create secret corners. They refuse to share information (they don’t tell how their day went, what they discussed with friends). This is explained by the desire to solve problems individually.
5. Phobias, nightmares, restless sleep. The child is afraid of supernatural beings and refuses to sleep in a room alone. Existential fears are also added - obsessive thoughts about painful illnesses, death, a sad future (“What if I don’t have friends? But won’t I get sick?”)
6. Diffidence. The child competes with peers, compares himself with others. Asks to evaluate his appearance or actions (“Do I have a nice dress?”)

Reason for hysteria: the child lacks love

If hysterics are repeated, parents often - out of powerlessness to change anything - leave the child alone in the room, slamming the door behind them. Like, handle it yourself as you want!

Sometimes hysteria and antics are the most striking symptoms of psychological regression. But regression is not a disease, but a protective mechanism of the psyche, usually associated with a situation that is unbearable for the child. This mechanism works like “Don’t beat someone down!” By pretending to be small, Natasha tries to attract her father's love.

After all, he did not hesitate to press her little one to his chest and throw her up to the sky. But now he is strict. When Natasha runs up to him to climb onto his lap, he pushes her away: “Calf tenderness!” Some parents, having become familiar with the basics of psychoanalysis, are afraid of the Oedipus complex or its female version of the Electra complex - hidden sexual relationships between family members of the opposite sex.

Psychoanalysis is a theory that remains unproven. On the contrary, research shows that the emotional life of a child is not determined by sexual motives for a very long time. The war against pedophiles also cooled ardent fathers. But children need the tenderness and love of both parents.

The stricter the parent, the stronger the child’s desire to do something to relieve tension and emotional barriers in the relationship. Therefore, children sometimes begin to ingratiate themselves, babble, and “get into your eyes.” They consider themselves guilty that the attitude towards them has changed so much. And they act like they want to fix the situation. By locking Natasha in the nursery, her parents only increase her sense of guilt, for which she has to endure daily punishment.

Pros of the 5 year crisis

Any crisis brings not only challenges, but also new opportunities. At 5-6 years old, children reach the peak of learning and receptivity to new information, gradually learning to read, write and count. To take your mind off psychological problems, try helping your child find a favorite activity.

During the crisis of the age of five, a sea of ​​​​energy appears. This fact cannot be ignored. You get an invaluable opportunity to direct the child’s strength in a peaceful direction: find a hobby, prepare for school, discover a new talent, improve health.

Physical activity will be useful - sports, team games, long walks. If your baby is growing up calm and reserved, it’s time to unleash his creative potential with the help of educational clubs.

Educational process

Educational measures are often expressed in rules and punishments for breaking them. They teach children to be obedient and develop self-control. When admonishing, you should not go too far and be too harsh.

The requirements that are put forward to children must be clear and consistent so that the child understands what exactly is expected of him and does not want to change anything. Many parents note that you should not set too many rules. It is important that the child understand one of the important points that any case of disobedience leads to punishment.

You should express your demands in the form of statements. For example, instead of asking if he could tidy up his room, you need to clearly tell him to put things in order where he has scattered his toys. The politeness of parents in this matter is somewhat inappropriate, since such a question gives children the opportunity to analyze the pros and cons and choose the best option for them. You cannot let power out of your hands.

Sometimes it is difficult for parents to determine whether a four-year-old child listens attentively and how clearly he understands their words. Therefore, it is important not to forget about repetition. Key ideas should be repeated several times, including gestures and choosing the right tone of voice.

In a family with several small children, punishments may differ from each other, especially if there is a child who is 5 years old and is going through a crisis stage in life. In some situations, only a stern look is enough, but for other children, specific actions must be taken.

Changes after the crisis

After a sharp leap in mental development, the child becomes more balanced, listens to the advice of his parents and enjoys spending time with his family.

Strong-willed qualities of character and self-control are strengthened. The kid organizes the daily routine, sets priorities (do homework first, then rest; go to bed on time).

Character traits, tastes and preferences are clearly visible. The child judges events almost without regard to parents or friends.

Advice from Dr. Komarovsky

What does pediatrician E. O. Komarovsky recommend doing with uncontrollable children?

1. React to hysterics calmly, with a smile, ignore if necessary. The child makes scandals in front of people who are sensitive to him. If you feel like you're ready to break down, go somewhere else. Family members must adhere to one line of behavior: the pattern “mom scolds, dad does nothing, grandma allows everything” will lead to spoiling.
2. Don't follow the lead of others. Do people look at you with judgment because you don't let your child take a second candy bar from the store shelf? Wait until the hysteria stops without your intervention. If you give in, the child will begin to use this technique for manipulation, acting up in front of strangers. A minute of silent condemnation is better than hours of children's screams.
3. It is necessary to master pedagogical subtleties not during a crisis, but much earlier. Is the child still crawling, just getting ready to take his first steps? Read about the upcoming crises of 3 and 5 years. Prepare for tests in advance.
4. If tantrums occur for no reason, and the child is rarely in a calm state, consult a doctor.
5. Adults may lose self-control: spanking, punishing, screaming. For repeated nervous breakdowns, parents should seek help from a family psychologist. Children are sensitive to the state of their elders; this behavior traumatizes them. The consequences will appear when the child grows up.
6. There should be a cause-and-effect relationship in the actions: if you dropped a cookie, you’ll take a second one from the pack tomorrow. If you refuse the food offered, you will get it later. There is no need to instantly correct children’s mistakes, pick up objects from the floor, or force-feed them. Form responsibility for your actions from an early age.
7. The important thing is the relationship between actions and time. “You misbehave in the morning, you’ll be left without cartoons in the evening!”, “If you cry, you won’t go to your birthday party this weekend!” - it is not right. By the end of the day, the child will have forgotten what happened. Report consequences immediately.
8. Children are entirely dependent on your will. Don't compete with them. You do not have the right to ignore biological needs by limiting healthy food, walks, sleep, but as punishment you can prohibit “excesses”: sweets, buying toys.

Why does a child throw tantrums in public or in a store?

Five-year-old Kolya does not know how to behave in public, he is “hysterical,” capricious, protests, and refuses to play with children. Because of this, Colin’s family visits less often than they would like, and trips to the store have become a nightmare: the boy can resist like a donkey and not budge. If his mother forcibly pulls him along, he starts yelling at the whole store. When Kolya was little, it was easier: you could put him in a large cart and roll him around the entire perimeter of the supermarket. Now he has grown up, become heavy and intractable.

Kolya’s relationship with the kids in kindergarten is also difficult. If he doesn't like something, he can hit you. Or he might move to the wall and stand for a long time, turning away, nervously scratching his finger on the whitewash, as if someone had punished him and put him in a corner.

The complaints tired Kolya's parents. Dad accuses mom and grandmother: “It’s not a man who’s growing up, but a hysterical woman! All because you spoil him!” Mom, on the contrary, believes that dad’s absence makes the guy uncontrollable. “He perceives your indifference as favor. No matter what he does, you don't care! The boy needs his father's attention!

Grandmother is the most patient teacher in the family, admonishing her beloved grandson: “You need to get along with people, otherwise they won’t take you to school or to work!” Kolya looks at her with incomprehension.

What should parents do? Psychologist's advice

Parents should clearly define the boundaries of what is permitted. The child must understand the established laws. This is a question not only of good behavior, but also of safety: children feel protected when there is a system of rules in life proposed by their parents.

Do not change your decisions to suit your child’s wishes. Otherwise, he will understand that you can be manipulated: “Why listen to your elders if they will agree to my demands anyway?” Forbidden today is always prohibited. The golden rule of pedagogy is “Teach by example.” It is strange to punish children for swear words if you yourself use them in speech.

Remember: the child grows, learns new things in order to realize his potential. Disobedience is a sign of independent thinking. There are no ideal children who unquestioningly fulfill requirements. Hyperobedient children grow up into uninitiative, amorphous people.

Reason for hysteria: parents do not understand the child’s character traits

Due to individual, genetic differences, children sometimes find it difficult to adapt to new conditions and instead of a joyful reaction to novelty, they show negativism: “I don’t want to!
I won’t!” This is how children with choleric temperament and unbalanced extroverts behave. Their enormous potential for mastering new skills, territories, contacts with people interesting to them is realized only after the first phase of alienation and negativism. If you don't take this dynamic into account, you may never know how lucky you are with your child. Instead, the child will develop a negative reaction to novelty, form a guard against any deviation from the stereotype, and people will cause him irritation and aggression.

The main pedagogical question is about the adequate reaction of parents to such behavior. Reading morals, focusing on conscience and abstract thinking, is almost useless for children under 7 years old. Moral consciousness is only beginning to form at this age. Kolya’s grandmother is trying to calm herself down.

But harsh punishment does not work either. Parents do not so much put their son in a corner as they lead him and themselves into a dead end. Considering hysteria (a manifestation of latent tension and aggression) as the final point in the child’s behavior, the goal of his actions, parents block the way for the development of adaptability. When Kolya grows up, he, like his father, will impatiently, without regard for those around him, push the situation to suit his own interests, and not negotiate with colleagues, friends, and family members. Kolya’s hysteria in this case is the result of his parents’ intolerance.

What should you not do?

1. Unfortunately, parents sometimes lose patience and raise their voices at their children. This is useless: talk calmly, softly, but persistently. Give logical arguments.
2. Physical violence is unacceptable. Eliminate even spanking and other “harmless” touching.
3. Don't take your anger out on your child. Are you feeling tired? Find another way to get rid of negativity.
4. Don't punish with indifference. If you see that your child has said something rude, but cannot cope with the problem without you, come and help him. Responsibility always lies with the adult.
5. Don't leave in trouble. The child must be sure that his parents are always ready to help - this is the basis of psychological comfort.
6. Don't scold for no reason. Express dissatisfaction correctly, be sure to emphasize why this or that action upset you.
7. Don't focus on children's lies. Offer to imagine together, write a story or draw a picture with fictional characters.
8. Avoid suffocating guardianship. Give your child a chance to develop freely, without pressure and external control. Show that you already trust him in many matters.
9. Don’t brush it off with the words “You’re doing your nonsense again.” Find time to listen, sympathize, give advice.
10. Don't worry too much. Every family goes through crises when their children grow up. When the unpleasant period is over, you will appreciate the fruits of patience and proper upbringing.

Emotional Intelligence for Children

We introduce children to the types of emotions, how to manage them and how to express themselves in teamwork, through situational games,
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Help

And again I will divide the topic into points:

· Listen;

· Observe;

· Try to take his place.

I hope this will help us treat children objectively and decide how to stop the voluntary and involuntary scenes of disobedience of our kids.

Let's listen

Often the baby herself will tell you what he needs. If you don’t know how to calm your baby down, just give him warm milk or just some water to drink. And you can talk to him. Ask what he wants? How can I help him? How he sees your actions. Sometimes the fact that you are nearby and you are calmly talking to him and not being nervous is enough for the little one to calm down and tell you everything. Teach your little ones to say everything that worries them. Even if you don't always like what they say, listen to them to the end.

We are watching

We are used to children doing everything before our eyes. Therefore, when I said: “observe,” I meant, take a closer look at who your child communicates with, how he reacts to different foods and activities. What sets him off, or when he becomes particularly restless. And this will help you understand how to deal with what prevents both you and him from being calm and happy, with whims.

Let's act

When we have enough information, we have talked and observed, it is time to urgently change what is causing the child’s inappropriate actions. You may have to consult a specialist, or train yourself to bathe your baby with tinctures of soothing herbs. If you need to talk with the teacher, or relax your preparation for school, which sometimes puts a huge strain on the psychological state of the little one, do it without putting it off!

She said about the most important thing. If I forgot or missed anything, I’m waiting for tips from you. We can always return to the topic and talk about it, consider it in as much detail as possible. I will be grateful for your active participation. Therefore, I invite you to subscribe to the news to get the opportunity to become a participant in useful and important conversations about us and our children! Bring all your acquaintances and friends to our conversations too! Let them also have the opportunity to tell and listen to everything that we are “secret” about here!

And for today, bye-bye!