“Write to us what stages of accepting the inevitable exist.” This was a request from the editor-in-chief, which means almost from the Universe. Here's how to say and write about it so that everything is clear and sugar-coated.
For exceptional quality, fresh and slightly exotic. Let's bring the text to life with our own perception. No, there is no screaming love for this topic, and there is no need for it. And it’s not about love for topics and writing. But let’s explain the plus and minus clearly. So.
In this article:
Using a simple example from a fairy tale: Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance
Using a simple example from a fairy tale
Photo by Alex Green: Pexels
How could little Polbotinka from the book of the same name feel when he was fleeing from a pack of wolves in a dark, dark forest? Together with their friend Moss Beard, they hung on a birch tree and seemed doomed. The hare traps worked great, but hanging upside down was not so great.
Everything happened very quickly. I never believed that these could be wolves and they would catch the Naxitrals. And then I couldn’t believe that they were hanging out in hare traps on a young birch tree. Then we could get angry at our little hands and feet and the absurdity of the situation, and blame each other a little.
Then - bargain. “I definitely won’t go far from home anymore, let this wolfish nightmare end soon. Oh please!" After some time, you become sad, clouded, cry and begin to grieve terribly. And then come to terms with the fact that the inevitable will happen and accept all circumstances as they are.
Perhaps this would have happened if it had been extended over time. But. Everything happened very quickly. The wolves were jumping in front of the tiny noses of the Naxitralls, trying to bite harder, and suddenly they became quiet and retreated. Brave local historians appeared on the horizon and saved the funny heroes. What about the people there? Yes, about the same.
5 stages of accepting the inevitable
Loss of a loved one. Gradual return to reality.
Unfortunately, loss is an integral part of human life; each of us has to go through the pain of loss.
In psychology, grief is usually understood as the experience of loss or bereavement. It is one of the main reasons for seeking help from a psychologist online or in person. The loss may be temporary (separation) or permanent (death), physical or psychological.” Psychologists define grief as a reaction to the loss of a significant object, the loss of part of one's own identity or an expected future. The terms “grief” and “loss” are usually used interchangeably. In a narrow sense, loss is the human experience associated with the death or passing of a loved one, and grief is feelings (suffering) and their manifestations (for example, crying).
The process of “grieving” has its own sequence, so it can be divided into separate stages. At each of them, the grieving person faces certain goals and objectives, which, from the moment he begins to realize the fact of loss, will lead him to the end point of the grief process - adaptation to life without the lost object and a sense of his own integrity. So, in the process of grief the following stages can be distinguished:
1) Shock and withdrawal from reality 2) Confrontation with reality and awareness of loss 3) Stage of acute pain 4) Stage of recovery 5) Start of a new life
Anger
Kittens cannot be angry, although... But human beings, yes. This is aggressive behavior when there is still no humility that this happened to him. Whoever is nearby, this angry stream will pour out on him. It turns out to be difficult to contain, and everything goes as it goes. What is anger? This is, in essence, a strong emotional reaction.
When self-control is lost, volitional control over behavior is weakened. This can last only for a short time, like a flash, and entails a loss of strength and indifference. Anger can also be external or internal. In the first case, a person may show aggression (verbal, physical - direct or indirect), and in the second case he will experience it without visible signs.
But this second case is precisely fraught with the fact that aggression directed towards oneself can result in various kinds of diseases. The evolutionary meaning of anger is to gather all the energy for self-defense, remove fear and increase confidence in the face of danger.
This is a kind of concentrate, a clot of energy that gives a surge of strength due to the release of adrenaline into the blood and it is extremely difficult to contain it, and not useful. What can I say? If possible, make a mini-plan to overcome such situations. Among the points of such a plan may be the following:
- distract yourself, do something else;
- conduct a dialogue with yourself that will allow you to see the situation from the other side;
- learn to accept that life is not always fair.
Photo: @pixabay
You can work on the points yourself.
Disappointments
The third stage of a relationship is disappointment. This stage of a relationship can be called the winter of love.
. For many couples, stage three is the end of the road. The power struggle in the relationship comes to the surface, revealing contradictions. Problems carefully hidden under the rug become apparent. Some couples go into confrontation mode, others invest less and less energy into their love relationships, losing interest. The past experience of passionate love turns into a distant memory. Individual goals trump common goals. “I” comes to replace “we”. Not all couples break up at this stage of the relationship. Many people continue to believe that the frosts will be replaced by spring warmth.
What to do.
Stop pretending that problems don't exist. There is no point in hiding difficulties under the rug and creating the appearance of a happy relationship. Of course, sorting out relationships looks like a grueling task. But the only way to overcome contradictions is to find a compromise. Conflicts create the feeling that affection has evaporated. Therefore, try to demonstrate mutual support and warm feelings to remind you of the moment when the relationship first began. Try to separate rational complaints from irrational anger. You may be angry at each other, but that doesn't stop you from going to the movies together. If at the first stage of a relationship the brain notices only the positive, at the third stage we see exclusively the negative. You might think that everything is going wrong, destroying the idyll of the relationship. However, there is a feeling of affection between you.
Bargain
And suddenly something happens. The paradoxical thought that everything can be returned. A person talks with the Creator, with his subconscious. Makes vows and oaths. He promises the space that if everything remains as before, he will certainly do the impossible.
Or he will live completely differently: lead a healthy lifestyle, volunteer or do charity work. Everyone has their own bargaining and this is an area that is touched very carefully. But how many amazing stories does humanity know, where there was a place for denial, desperate thoughts, and bargaining.
“Locked up” in difficult circumstances, a person often swears an unheard oath to anyone. And when recovery, reunion or another significant event in life occurs, he fulfills this promise. What if the course of events is inevitable?
How to survive separation
In psychology, the stages of loss are viewed as a purely individual process, depending on the state of the nervous system of a particular person. Therefore, the experience of separation lasts a couple of days for some, while for others it lasts several years. With long-term relationships and individual sensitivity, the process is delayed. To quickly accept the situation and move on, psychologists recommend that bereaved people use some tips.
Don't take a breakup as a bad thing.
Imagine that breaking up a relationship is a test that will help you on your path to self-improvement. When faced with adversity, analyze the situation objectively and draw appropriate conclusions.
Don’t indulge in laziness by lying on the couch all day long. Make a personal schedule for each day so that there is no free time left for painful thoughts: go to work, travel out of town, meet with colleagues and friends, go shopping. Visit places that make you feel positive more often.
Monitor the condition of your own body. Prolonged grief often manifests itself in all sorts of illnesses. Get a full examination and treatment if necessary. If you can’t get over the breakup on your own, contact a psychotherapist who can help you cope with the loss by selecting individual therapy.
PsychologyPRO
Depression
Well, listen, when nothing happens... What, exactly, should happen? Should everything go back to normal? After all, so much has been experienced, thought through and promised. But the situation does not change and is only aggravated by loneliness, poor health, and anxious thoughts. Any communication, including with loved ones, seems meaningless and depresses with renewed vigor.
If only it were possible to become a turtle or a snail and hide entirely in your impenetrable shell house and not explain anything to anyone. If only you could just sit incognito on a train, go to who knows where and see only passing landscapes, if only, if only. And it's not just a bad mood, it's depression.
“When so much is behind everything, especially grief, don’t wait for anyone’s support, get on the train, land by the sea. It's more extensive. It's deeper too. This superiority is not very joyful. But if you feel orphaned, then it’s better to go to those places whose appearance excites rather than stings,” wrote Joseph Brodsky.
Photo by Mikhail Nilov: Pexels
And, first of all, it’s beautiful. And secondly, not just an allegory, but as one of the effective ways to throw off the shackles of despair. And, you know, one of the recipes for Central Russian melancholy was prescribed by doctors of past centuries to travel.
Associations
The first stage (sometimes called the “honeymoon”) begins with a casual acquaintance and quickly develops into a passionate romance. This stage can be called the spring of love
.
At this stage of the relationship, partners are passionate about each other and do not notice what is happening around them. We experience an overwhelming feeling of love. We usually think that we have found our ideal soul mate
- a person who is similar to us.
A person who shares our values and outlook on life. Couples want to be together all the time. And often personal boundaries disappear. At this stage of the relationship, emotions drown out the voice of reason. Research shows that biochemical changes occur in the human brain. The body begins to intensively produce hormones responsible for affection and attraction - endorphin, dopamine and oxytocin. But love madness
makes us vulnerable. We stop paying attention to dangerous signs, becoming dependent on our partners.
What to do.
Enjoy this stage to the fullest. Don't forget to pay attention to emotions. Try to look at the relationship from the outside. Ask yourself: is this person really right for me? Pay attention to the opinions of your friends. The intoxication of love confuses anyone. Don't make important decisions. The first stage is not the best time to make responsible decisions that can change your life. A decision that looks right now will be a mistake in the long run. The intoxication of love will subside, and you will find yourself face to face with reality.
Adoption
On the verge of exhaustion of moral and sometimes physical strength, the stage of acceptance comes. A person goes through all the important areas in his life, sums up the results, learns the meaning. And here it is appropriate to remember the fabulous Phoenix bird, reborn from the ashes.
And here the Phoenix is as a symbol of eternal immortality and new life. A bird is a bird, and what a person takes with him from this period can completely change his path. Through acceptance, through humility, through the opening of new opportunities.
These stages, like milestones, can be lived sequentially or with the exception of one or two. Everything is very individual and depends on the person himself and his perception. There is a possibility of getting stuck at one stage or another.
For example, depression is fraught with destructive danger. And at such moments, it is important for loved ones to monitor the situation. Just be there, listen, hug, pour hot tea. And when you give up and it’s unclear what’s next, don’t procrastinate and, if possible, turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Historical reference
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is an American with Swiss roots, psychologist, writer and founder of the concept of first psychological aid for the “doomed” and dying. She studied near-death experiences in depth and published a book called “On Death and Dying.” The printed edition in 1969 spread throughout America and became a bestseller. It was in this work that the doctor spoke about the stages of perception of trouble (five stages of accepting the irreparable or inevitable). It is noteworthy that the technique was used only if a fatal illness was detected in the patient. Experts prepared him for inevitable death.
conclusions
Every couple goes through universal stages of relationships. But it depends only on you what this path will be. Initial love develops into warm feelings and interest. We are rediscovering love in a new stage. The secret of a strong relationship is not endless love, but the ability to solve problems and find compromises. We gradually master the language of love, learn to speak, and begin to better understand the goals and values of the other person. Of course, even in the strongest relationships there are quarrels. But if you have learned to overcome conflicts, you have nothing to fear anymore. Now you have tools in your arsenal that will help you solve problems. You can enjoy the journey. In the later stages, self-development becomes a source of inspiration. Personal growth opens up new facets of personality. Couples continue to develop their relationship. Love will last as long as you are interested in each other.
Of course, sometimes no advice helps. And the couple decides to separate. But even a breakup can be constructive. Breaking up is an experience (albeit a negative one) that will allow you to avoid similar mistakes in the future. Often it is simply impossible to continue the relationship. Falling in love hides the abusive nature of the relationship. If you notice that your partner is showing signs of a toxic relationship, it is better to leave. Such relationships cannot be corrected and returned to normal.
Allow yourself to move on with your life
The living have no alternative. We must live on, building a new life and way of life in which the deceased no longer exists. But how to start enjoying life again! Is it really possible to become happy or fall in love again, because the memories are so fresh, and grief and guilt do not leave you?
We need to start helping ourselves get over what happened. It is important to understand yourself, forgive yourself, decide on your attitude towards the deceased, build your life and become happy.
- Don't feel sorry for yourself.
- Don't dwell on grief.
- Don't forbid yourself to live. There will be no second life, so enjoy it now.
- Don't be ashamed of happiness. Give it to others.
- Don't be afraid to love. Those who left this world definitely want you to live long and be happy.
- Help others by giving them some of your warmth.
- Once you admit your mistakes, apologize to those you have wronged and make amends.
All this, when the grief of loss is mourned, accepted and fully experienced, will help fill life with new colors. After all, the main assistant is time.
How long to grieve – what does “too long” mean?
Grief lasts differently for everyone. On average, shock and denial of loss takes from a day to several weeks. Many return to their business after 2-5 weeks. But after the loss of those closest to them, relatives begin to show signs of acute grief from the loss. They experience longing, grief, and anger for a very long time. The period of helplessness lasts 3-12 months.
Too long is when someone is stuck grieving for up to six months. Some people do not get out of their state even by the anniversary of the funeral, and even after dozens of years.
