- September 16, 2018
- Psychology of Personality
- Valentina Zabrodina
You can hear about how to grow up and why it is vital for each of us from different sources. Does this mean that we urgently need to get legally married and have several children? Or get two promotions? How to grow up quickly?
Performing certain actions in itself does not guarantee growing up; there is no universal instruction. Let’s try to figure it out together what it means to become an adult.
Stop demanding and learn to give
One of the main conditions for psychological maturity is the ability not only to consume (goods, love, accept gifts, and so on), but also to give something to other people. Moreover, we are talking specifically about “giving” unconditionally. We simply share our attention, care and affection because we choose to do so.
Egocentrism is inherent in immature children. According to their passports, they may be 30 or 40 years old, but the fixation on their person, characteristic of young children, remains throughout their lives.
Harmonious relationships with the opposite sex are important for the development of personality and a happy life. One of the main conditions for a fulfilling relationship between a man and a woman is the ability to give a partner love, understanding, care and admiration.
Love is not a balance sheet. How to grow up psychologically? Stop keeping score of your own manifestations of attention and start giving more than you receive in return.
The concept of “age hours” and three independent ages
Age clock is a kind of graph that shows the internal state of an individual and allows you to determine how much a person is ahead of the main and important events in his life or behind them: studying at school, university, marriage, having children and achieving a certain status in society. Along with the concept of “age clock”, three concepts of age began to be distinguished:
- biological age shows how appropriate a person is to a certain point in life;
- social age determines the degree to which a person conforms to the norms of a particular culture, which are considered in the context of biological age;
- psychological age shows how a person’s level of intelligence corresponds to the conditions of society, motor skills, attitudes, and feelings.
Regardless of the concepts listed, there are several stages of personal maturation that also require special attention.
A sense of moderation in everything
A child (or an immature adult) is never satisfied with what he has. He wants more, better, more expensive, he feels an urgent need to stand out and assert himself against the background of others.
This position is often encouraged and cultivated by parents, based on the understanding that “my child is the best.” This formulation of the question speaks of the immaturity of the parents, which he passes on to the children, which is subsequently difficult to get rid of.
However, if you outgrow this attitude, then life becomes easier. In the end, someone will always have more money, more horsepower under the hood, a wider circle of friends. But happiness and life satisfaction are associated with refusing to compare yourself with others. Where comparison ends, maturity begins.
What is this immaturity
Accordingly, infantilism is a conscious or unconscious desire to remain in childhood, when you are not responsible for anything, you live with emotions, as “it is.” But, if for a 10-year-old child this is normal and corresponds to his age, then at 30-40 years old, this already begins to irritate many.
However, even the most infantile person’s life is not so sweet. Infantile individuals quickly succumb to panic and, when there are problems, they cry like babies, fight in hysterics and look for those who would save them.
Growing up implies a certain planning of life and subordination to this very plan, and, therefore, it is control over one’s own life, decisions, choices .
Adulthood and a sense of adulthood are also noted. These two concepts, although related, have different meanings. For example, a feeling of adulthood arises in a teenager who strives to express himself and makes efforts to stop being considered a small child. He demands the role of an adult, but still cannot realize himself fully.
If you want to hold on, let go
Another aspect of maturity relates to the ability to not become overly attached to people. We are talking specifically about suffocating attachment, about “sticking” to the object of one’s love, when an individual’s worldview is narrowed to the limit, and he cannot imagine himself without the other.
The reasons for this behavior may be a fear deeply hidden in the subconscious of losing the object of love or being unnecessary. This may be due to childhood or teenage psychological trauma, as well as the fact that the child is not used to sharing his things. He projects this attitude into adulthood.
The problem is that an adult, mature person is not able to be in a relationship out of a sense of duty or pity (“If I leave, she will commit suicide”).
It is important to understand that we choose people, and they choose us based on the principle of similarity of common interests and life attitudes, but at the same time certain differences. We are attractive to each other as long as we have a difference in potential. It is very important in any relationship to maintain autonomy, your own space, then you won’t have to hold anyone back.
Childhood - from birth to 11 years
Childhood is the brightest period of a person’s life. After all, he has to go through the greatest path in his individual development from a being incapable of anything to a child’s personality adapted to the world around him.
As a rule, the child’s psyche during the first 10 years of life goes through a path that is incomparable with each of the subsequent age periods. Such a passage of life's distance is primarily due to the orthogenetic characteristics of age. Thus, we can say that childhood is oriented by natural prerequisites towards the intensification of development. Regardless of this, self-development does not determine this movement, and natural prerequisites only advance the child in childhood from one life stage to another.
It is important to note that the child’s body develops rapidly during this age period. He also has his own “I”, his own concepts and understanding of certain things. During childhood, the child develops psychologically, begins to communicate, feel, realize his uniqueness and demonstrate his abilities in important life situations.
Growing up = boring life?
In fact, how can one grow up psychologically if it is important for a person not to lose his ability to enjoy life? The answer is simple: become an adult and take responsibility for your decisions and actions, but at the same time maintain spontaneity, the ability to enjoy the sun, wind and new discoveries.
This is possible; moreover, wisdom closely coexists with the ability to enjoy simple things and be grateful to fate for them. Having grown up, a person stops worrying about trifles, he understands that he is not able to influence certain events, but at the same time he knows how to enjoy the new day, the fact that everyone close to him is healthy, there is a job, and life goes on as usual.
Stop depending on the opinions of others
How can a girl grow up psychologically if, since childhood, she has been convinced of her inability to be a good wife and mother? Innocent phrases from parents, teachers and mentors can be destructive.
In psychotherapeutic practice, there are often cases when a relative’s humorous statement that it’s time to stop with the second helping of porridge, otherwise you will soon have to change your entire wardrobe, led to serious illnesses such as anorexia and bulimia. Teenage girls are especially sensitive to such statements; their parents need to know this and be careful in their statements.
Maturity – 35 years and older
Mature age lacks the specificity inherent in other life periods. People spend most of their time at work. Despite this, economic considerations dominate - work also allows you to organize time and is a sphere of communication where a sense of necessity and self-esteem is maintained. Thus, it is pleasant to combine working time with the possibility of free choice and independent decision-making.
As a rule, upon reaching 30 years of age, people strive to find themselves in life: they make long-term plans and begin to achieve them. After some time, some try to free themselves from the power of other people and assert independence. After 40 years, men often begin to reflect on what they have achieved in life, and, after evaluating the results, draw appropriate conclusions. After 45 years, a midlife crisis occurs, which most individuals manage to cope with.
Aspects of growing up in girls
How can a girl grow up who feels comfortable in her parents’ home, has all her problems solved for her and is protected from the realities of life?
First of all, a young woman should understand whether she is ready to live her whole life under the wing of her parents or whether she feels a reasonable need to start her own family, to realize herself as a wife and mother.
As a rule, a girl’s psychological growth is helped by a loving and understanding partner, who will explain that her fears associated with entering into married life are groundless and will dispel her doubts about her ability to run a household and raise children.
Marriage exists, among other things, to support each other and help cope with everyday troubles.
Growing up in men
How can a guy grow up psychologically if throughout his childhood and adolescence he did not see examples of masculine behavior in his family?
It is difficult to become emotionally mature when a boy is raised in a family consisting of women (grandmother and mother, for example). He does not see models of male behavior either in the family or at school (as you know, there are very few male teachers in schools).
Playing on a sports team and practicing martial arts under the guidance of a male coach greatly help in developing masculine qualities in a boy. By playing in a team, he learns to make decisions with an eye on others, learns to obey the orders of the coach, endure failures and overcome difficulties. Therefore, it is very important to introduce a boy to sports.
There is no universal way for a man to mature psychologically. You can be married and have three children, but leave the decision on all important issues for the family to your wife (parents).
How can a guy grow up? Firstly, parents need to delegate to the teenager the decision of issues that are important to him, such as choosing a higher educational institution, choosing a specialty that matches his natural inclinations and skills. By putting effort into the process of enrolling in a university, choosing and arranging premises in a student dormitory, the guy will appreciate what he has more.
When do we really become adults?
Can a person be considered an adult just because he is a parent? What if a 15-year-old teenager has a child? Maybe we become adults when we come of age? Or is it only when we graduate from university, get a job, or get married? What if a person decides to live his life alone and not take on obligations and responsibilities for others? Does he really remain his whole life, perhaps not a child, but also not quite an adult? And who then? We are publishing an abridged translation of an article by journalist Julie Beck for The Atlantic, in which she discusses what makes people adults in an era when the line between childhood and adulthood is blurred as never before.
It would probably be fair to call Henry a man who had no purpose: after graduating from Harvard, he moved back in with his parents.
At first he managed to get a job as a teacher, but after two weeks Henry decided that this was not for him and left. It took him a while to find his calling: he worked in his father's pencil factory, sold magazines door-to-door, took part-time teaching and tutoring jobs, and even shoveled manure for a short time before finding some success in what he considered his passion. my real passion is writing. Henry published his first book, A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers, when he was 31, after 12 years of changing jobs and moving from living in his parents' home to living on his own and living with a friend who believed in Henry's potential. He may have lost his way a little in his younger years, but it seems that in the end the life of Henry David Thoreau. ed. turned out quite normal. (Recall that the friend with whom Thoreau lived was Ralph Waldo Emerson. American essayist, poet, philosopher, pastor, lecturer, public figure, one of the most prominent thinkers and writers in the United States - editor's note.)
His path was not atypical for the 19th century, at least for a white man in the United States. Young people often experienced periods of independence interspersed with periods of dependence. And if this seems surprising to you, then the reason is probably “the myth that in the past the transition to adulthood was smoother”
, writes Stephen Mintz, a history professor at the University of Texas at Austin.
In fact, if you think of the transition to "adulthood" as a set of formal indicators - getting a job, moving away from parents, getting married and having children - for most of history, with the exception of the 1950s and 60s, people didn't grow up in such predictable ways. And yet today, all of the above are still revered indicators of adulthood. […]
"I think there's a really difficult transition [between childhood and adulthood]
, says Kelly Williams Brown, author of Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps.
“ It’s not just difficult for millennials, I think it was difficult for Generation X and baby boomers as well.
All of a sudden you find yourself in a world with a crazy array of options, but you don't know what to choose." Age alone does not make you an adult. What then does it do? In the US, people get married and have children later in life, but these are just optional attributes of adulthood, not “adulthood” itself. Psychologists talk about a period of protracted adolescence that does not end when a person turns 20 or even 25 years old, and yet when does a person emerge from it? What finally makes us truly adults?
I have decided to try to answer this question to the best of my ability, but I will warn you in advance: there is either no answer, or there are many complex and multi-faceted answers. […]
Adulthood is a social construct (just like childhood, if you will). And like all social constructs, it has real consequences. Constructs determine who is legally responsible for their actions and who is not, what roles people can play in society, how people treat each other, and how they treat themselves. But even in the areas where differences are easiest to tell—laws or physical development—adulting challenges simplicity.
Thus, in the United States you cannot drink alcohol until you are 21 years old, but legal adulthood, along with the right to vote and the ability to join the army, occurs at 18 years old. Or not? You are allowed to watch films for adults at 17, and do some kind of feasible work at 14.
"Chronological age is not a very good indicator [of maturity], but it is what we need to rely on for practical purposes,"
says Lawrence Steinberg, professor of psychology at Temple University.
- We all know people aged 21 or 22 who are very wise and mature, but we also know very immature and reckless people of the same age. And we can't do maturity tests to decide whether they can buy alcohol or not."
Source: Alessandro Biasciolit / istockphoto.com
One way to measure maturity would be the maturity of the body. Surely there must be a point when you stop developing physically and officially become an “adult” organism? However, this depends on which measure you choose. Thus, people become sexually mature after puberty, but it begins between the ages of 8 and 13 years for girls and between 9 and 14 years for boys. That's a wide age range, and what's more, just because you've reached puberty doesn't mean you've stopped growing.
For many centuries, the criterion of maturity was skeletal development. Under the Factory Act 1833, in Great Britain, the appearance of a second molar (usually appearing between the ages of 11 and 13) was considered evidence that a child was old enough to work in a factory... but it depends on which part of the skeleton you are examining. For example, wisdom teeth usually appear between the ages of 17 and 21, and the bones of the hand and wrist, which are often used to determine age, mature at different rates. Thus, the carpal bones of the hands are fully developed already at the age of 13-14 years, while other bones - the radius, ulna, metacarpals and phalanges - “mature” at the age of 15 to 18 years. The last bone to form in the body, the collarbone, does so between 25 and 35 years of age. However, environmental and socioeconomic factors can influence bone development. […]
Thus, bodily changes are of little help in defining the boundaries of adult life. What about cultural change? People go through coming-of-age ceremonies, such as a quinceañera, bar mitzvah, or Catholic confirmation, and emerge as adults. In theory. In practice, in modern society, a 13-year-old girl after her bat mitzvah is still dependent on her parents. Yes, she may have more responsibility in the synagogue, but this is only one step on the long road to adulthood, and it is not a quick path. The very idea of a coming-of-age ceremony suggests that there is some kind of switch that can be flipped at the right important occasion and it will work.
For example, high school or college graduations are ceremonies designed to “flip a switch,” sometimes for hundreds of people at once. But not only is it quite rare for people to jump straight into fully formed adulthood upon graduation, graduation itself is far from a universal experience. Moreover, secondary and higher education have played a large role in increasing the transition period between childhood and adulthood. […]
Establishing some kind of institutionalized transition period where people are in school until they are 21 or 22 years old is consistent with what scientists know about brain maturation.
According to Steinberg, who studies adolescence and brain development, by age 22 or 23, the brain has largely completed its development. This does not mean that you cannot continue to learn - you can, the brain remains “plastic”, malleable and changeable throughout life. However, the plasticity of the adult brain is different from the plasticity of the developing brain, when it is still forming new connections and cutting off unnecessary ones.
The plasticity of the adult brain still allows for the possibility of modification, but at this stage the neural structures will no longer change […]
The brain's executive functions—logical reasoning, planning, and other higher-level thinking—reach "adult-level maturity" by age 16 or so.
, says Steinberg. Thus, on average, a 16-year-old should do as well as someone older on a logic test. It takes a little longer for connections to develop between areas such as the prefrontal cortex, which regulates thinking, and the limbic system, which is largely responsible for emotions, as well as biological drives to survive and procreate.
Until these connections are fully established, people are less able to control their impulses—one reason the U.S. Supreme Court decided to limit life sentences for juveniles. […] However, Steinberg says, the question of maturity depends on the task at hand. For example, given a fully developed ability to reason logically, Steinberg sees no reason why 16-year-olds should not be able to vote, even if other aspects of their brain are still maturing. […]
I had a creative writing professor in college who I think thought of himself as a provocateur—or at least he was always trying to throw hard truths at us. Most of his provocations passed me by, but there was one that hurt me. I don't remember why, but during one of the classes he just paused and said, “Between the ages of 22 and 25, you will be miserable. Regret. If you're like most people, you'll do some soul-searching."
.
And it was that word, “soul-searching,” that has stuck with me ever since—an apt description of what happens to many people at that age.
The difficulty that many 18- to 25-year-olds had in answering the question “Are you an adult?” led Jeffrey Jensen Arnett in the late 1990s to group this age group into a new life stage he called “emerging.” adulthood." Emerging adulthood is an uncertain, transitional time between adolescence and true adulthood. And the concept is so vague that Arnett, now a professor of psychology at Clark University, says he sometimes uses 25 as an upper limit, and sometimes 29. Although he believes that adolescence clearly ends at 18, when people typically After graduating from high school and leaving their parents' homes, they are legally recognized as adults; a person leaves the stage of "emerging adulthood" only when he is ready for this.
Such uncertainty has led to some disagreement about whether emerging adulthood can truly be considered a distinct life stage. Steinberg, for example, does not think so, arguing that it would be more correct to talk about the lengthening of adolescence, which he defines as the period from puberty to the stage when a person takes on most “adult” roles. [...] Other critics of the concept of emerging adulthood write that the fact that the years between 18 and 25 (or 29?) are a time of transition does not mean that they represent a separate stage of development. “Life conditions may change, but human development is not synonymous with simple change”
, says one study. […]
“What's really important is that the transition to adult roles is taking longer and longer.”
, says Steinberg. Nowadays, many people have several years when they are independent from their parents, have already finished studying, but have not yet acquired spouses or children.
Part of this may be because the need to be a spouse or parent seems to be increasingly valued as an important attribute of adulthood
In his research, Jeffrey Arnett focused on what he calls the “big three” dimensions of adulthood—what people consider necessary to become adults—taking responsibility, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent. […] Two of the three criteria are internal, subjective markers. You can measure financial independence, but how do you know how independent and responsible you are? This is something you need to determine for yourself. When psychologist Erik Erikson outlined the important stages of psychosocial development, for each of them he identified a central question to which a person seeks an answer during that period of time. During adolescence, the question is one of identity, of discovering one's true self and its place in the world. In adolescence, Erickson says, the focus shifts to intimacy and developing friendships and romantic relationships. […] In general, being and being committed to a purpose, finding a life mission, is a step towards identity formation, and people who are committed to this identity are more likely to consider themselves adults. […]
According to educational researcher Robert Havighurst, whose work dates back to the last century, each stage of life has its own list of “developmental tasks” that must be completed. Unlike the individualistic criteria spoken of today, his developmental goals in adulthood were very specific: find a partner, learn to live with a partner, start a family, raise children, get a job, run a home. These are traditional adult roles that millennials are too often criticized for, as they are either slow to take on them or don't value them. […]
Havighurst developed his theory in the 1940s and 50s, and the choice of these problems was only a reflection of his time. The economic boom that followed World War II made all this more achievable than ever. Even for very young people, for whom there were enough jobs: sometimes they didn't even need a high school diploma to find a job that could help support their family. Plus the social customs of the time, which favored marriage over unmarried cohabitation, here we get: work, spouse, home, children.
But this was a historical anomaly. “With the exception of a short period after World War II, it was generally unusual to reach the markers of full adult status before you were 25–30 years old.”
, writes Mintz. In the past, there were no super-responsible adults who wandered around in three-piece suits and looked over their glasses at tax returns until today's youth killed them with their laziness. Young people also sought their fortune, failed, and returned home, and young women in the 19th century migrated to cities in search of work even faster than men. Who, by the way, in order to get married, often had to first wait for the death of their fathers in order to receive an inheritance. At least today's late marriages occur for less painful reasons.
Source: DisobeyArt / istockphoto.com
The golden age of easy adulthood did not last long. Beginning in the 1960s, the age of marriage began to rise again, and secondary education became increasingly necessary to earn a middle-class income. […]
Jensen Arnett says today's young people still want to have a career, get married, have children; they simply no longer see these factors as defining features of adulthood. Unfortunately, not all society is ready to share their views, and older generations may not recognize young people as adults until they reach these markers. […]
Of the many responsibilities of adulthood, the one I hear most often described as transformative is parenthood. When I asked people about their transition into adulthood, having children was the most common answer.
And it's not that you can't be an adult if you don't have children. It’s just that for those who have them, it often seems that this was the moment of switching. […] Having children is what seems to make us feel like adults and makes others believe we are. […] Caring for sick parents is another dramatic role change that can come with a sense of adulthood. However, becoming an adult does not require a single turning point; most changes occur gradually. […]
With all the ambiguity and subjectivity regarding when a person really becomes an adult, there is another way to look at the problem - looking for an answer to the question “When are you really a child?”
.
After all, what about people who have children at 15? What about those who have to care for sick parents during childhood, or those who lose them at an early age? Sometimes circumstances push people into adult roles before they are ready for them. And almost always, early adulthood involves accepting responsibility much earlier than most people do. […] You can definitely be given the responsibilities of an adult, and if the world treats someone like an adult before they feel like one, that can be a problem. […]
Being an adult is not always desirable. Independence can turn into loneliness. Responsibility can become stressful
Mintz writes that adulthood has been culturally devalued to some extent. “Adults, we are repeatedly told, lead troubled lives of quiet desperation
, he writes.
“ The classic post-World War II coming-of-age novels are tales of broken dreams, unfulfilled ambitions, broken marriages, and work and family alienation.”
He compares them to 19th-century coming-of-age novels in which people wanted to become adults. Perhaps ambivalence about whether one feels like an adult is partly due to ambivalence about whether one wants to be one at all. […]
“We live in a youth culture that believes that after 26 years or so, life goes downhill.”
, says Mintz. […]
Growing up is an ocean into which there are too many rivers to count. It can be enshrined in law, but not completely. Science can push the boundaries of understanding maturity, but not completely. Social norms change and people abandon traditional roles or are forced to take them on too early. You can track trends, but trends have little impact on what a particular person wants and values.
Adult life in general is the work of the impressionists: if you move far enough away, you'll see a blurry picture, but if you press your nose to it, millions of tiny brushstrokes appear before you. Imperfect, wrong, but certainly part of a larger whole.
