How to get rid of dependence on a person, methods

True love is a wonderful feeling that makes us happy and joyful people, helps us overcome difficulties and develop spiritually. A woman who loves and feels loved is able to reach unprecedented heights, become a successful and comprehensively developed person. The sincere love of a man turns the most ordinary girl into a self-sufficient and self-confident queen who is actively engaged in self-improvement and moves only forward.

But sometimes some women confuse true love with emotional dependence on a man. This kind of “love” makes girls suffer and experience a lot of negative feelings.

What is emotional dependence? What are its features and symptoms? Is it possible to get rid of it? Today we will try to find answers to these important questions.

Signs of a person's dependence on other people

Psychotherapists argue that dependence on the opinions of others is formed in childhood, in the family, based on the relationships of family members.

There are some signs by which it can be established that dependence on someone else’s opinion has occurred:

It becomes difficult for a person to make everyday decisions; he cannot make a simple choice between two purchased goods without the opinions of friends, parents or acquaintances around him.
A dependent person constantly seeks the approval of others.
Such a person needs to be constantly sure that someone is always responsible for his life.
It is difficult for addicts to express their own opinions for fear of being misunderstood or misunderstood or insufficiently appreciated. Students and schoolchildren find it difficult to answer in class due to the fear of being misunderstood by the teacher or ridiculed by classmates.
Due to the lack of motivation and energy, dependent people experience great difficulties when starting projects; most often they abandon what they have started and planned halfway or at the stage of idea and implementation. First of all, lack of self-confidence plays a role here.
Dependent people strive by any means to enlist the support and care of teachers, colleagues, outsiders, readers on a blog or subscribers on a page. While such people need to do what they want, and not what is needed to achieve increased attention.
Unconsciously, a person suffering from a pathological psychological dependence on the opinions of others constantly feeds his fears of being left alone, without support and support from those who cared about him.

Experienced psychotherapists can identify signs of addiction already in childhood; they begin to manifest themselves most clearly in adolescence, and gradually decrease by the age of thirty or forty. Many people live with various kinds of pathological addictions and do not try to fight them. Others struggle to figure out how to stop depending on other people's opinions.

Why does a person become addicted?

Reasons for dependent relationships

emotional immaturity;
low self-esteem and self-doubt;
unwillingness to bear responsibility;
fear of loneliness;
psychological trauma, including childhood trauma;
improper upbringing;
complexes that form erroneous fears;
frequent criticism and lack of praise;
lack of adequate motivation;
the desire to become ideal for someone, and not for oneself;
conflicts with one’s own “I”;
incorrect assessment of one's strengths.

Practical tips for getting rid of psychological addictions

Dependence on other people's opinions affects all areas of a person's life. Therefore, first of all, follow your own desires, achieve your goals:

Try to establish an adequate understanding of the world around you and your place in it.
Create your own worldview, read more, form your own opinion about any event. Listen to the opinions of truly authoritative people.
When starting work on a new project, focus on the end result, do not think about how others will perceive what you do. The main thing is that implementation brings you confidence in yourself and that you are able to do something without advice and help.
Many books have been written by psychotherapists about how to stop depending on other people’s opinions, some of them are written in a popular scientific style. Get acquainted with such literature, improve yourself.
If you feel like you just can't cope on your own, see a therapist. There is nothing wrong with this if you need the help of an experienced specialist. In some cases, the doctor can be replaced by a close friend whom you really trust.
Make a list of so-called “addiction affirmations” to help you figure out how to get rid of your addiction to a person, and then rewrite it, correcting all negative attitudes to positive ones. Recite these positive messages daily.
Do the following exercise regularly to help you figure out how to stop depending on the opinions of others. Make sure nothing can disturb you. Sit back, close your eyes and imagine the person on whom you depend. Look at him from the outside: you can see him, but he cannot see you. Imagine that the person on whom you depend psychologically is already in your past, he is not in the present. This technique is unlikely to be effective the first time, but if you repeat it regularly, you will notice the effect and soon you will be able to give advice on how to get rid of addiction to a person.

How to let go of your attachment to a man - stop clinging to him, waiting, depending

The most common model of relationships is dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love another, to idealize another, to curse another too... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to imagine that there's anything wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on ourselves, that brings us a lot of suffering and pain. After all, when two people deepen into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other’s deepest wounds and press on the most sore spots.

What causes our dependence in relationships? And what is she hiding underneath? How “inevitable” is our suffering?

If you smiled and thought “well, this is not about me,” do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of dependent relationships are opaque and insidious; it requires focused awareness and the courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown either cold or hot - from a feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically there is a feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which is slowly but surely killing both. Or you often seek salvation in alcohol, food, work, sex or some other external stimulant to distract from your experiences, inability to experience a feeling of true intimacy and love. And the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally... Then take a look, don’t be afraid, look in the face of what may have been repressed from your consciousness, what you have denied about yourself for many years or even “didn’t realize” - your addiction.

Features of manifestation of addiction:

A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. He cannot imagine himself without a partner. In relationships, it is as if he is complemented to the whole, but at what cost - by renouncing himself. He looks at others as the source of his happiness and completeness of existence. If I'm not happy, he holds someone else responsible for it.
A dependent person is constantly dependent on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
It is very difficult for dependent individuals to separate themselves from their partner. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they strive to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance and sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom.
Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “friendship” of their loved one. They, however, do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person tells another: “I can’t live without you,” that’s not love, that’s manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
Dependent people are looking for a mate, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that a love relationship will cure them of boredom, melancholy, and lack of meaning in life. They hope that their partner will fill the void in their life. But when we choose a mate, placing similar hopes on her, in the end we cannot avoid hating the person who did not live up to our expectations.
They are unable to define their psychological boundaries. Addicted people do not know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
They always try to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, and wear masks of “goodness.” In this way, dependent people try to control the perceptions of other people. But at what cost - betraying your true feelings and needs.
They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but they listen to the opinions of others.
They try to become necessary to other people. They often play the role of “rescuers”.
They are jealous.
They experience difficulties alone.
They idealize their partner and become disappointed in him over time.
Not connected to their dignity and intrinsic value.
They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
They believe that the partner must change.

Addiction is a relationship with a fixation on another person.

Codependency in adults occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish relationships with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other as if glued to each other. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.

Strategy of the addicted lover

A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the “beloved” dominate the mind, becoming an extremely valuable idea. Characterized by obsessiveness in behavior and emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants his partner to make him happy (as in the fairy tale: “go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what”...).

The love of an addicted person is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.

There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, a person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fears, while another feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. There is jealousy - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.

The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person in the system of these relationships, without criticism of his condition. Expectation is the first, weak form of “demand”... And demand is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at yourself, at the world, at life, at another person.

A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of the dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems, which are centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of abandonment. By his behavior he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level this is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate “healthy” intimacy. He is afraid of being in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed and experienced mental trauma when showing intimacy with his parents.

In my understanding, love between two people can only take place when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when the relationship comes from freedom.

Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person . It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Respect your obligations to your loved one, but at the same time allow him to breathe freely.

Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let someone you love go free, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

To love is to be there when needed, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. “When two devastated souls meet, they are immediately tired of each other, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such close relationships move closer and further apart during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do so impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This becomes possible through trust and awareness.

Relationships of Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and their partner) and manipulate. Love means that the person next to you can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to be sick, allowed to make mistakes. Loving a person more than the actions they perform. To be someone they know will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not out of fear and insufficiency. We love not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on yourself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, frees himself from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.

This is the highest degree of freedom - first of all, internal! When you yourself are free, you respect and appreciate your partner’s freedom. You become a source of freedom...

“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other eliminate any dependencies. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears” (Osho).

If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready to do anything just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to gain inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and don’t find it, there is a simple technique - the technique of gratitude!

Take time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your Soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.

Why do I thank this man?

What attracts me to him?

What happens to me when I communicate with him?

In what ways are we similar?

Where is he expanding me? What can I learn from him?

Why can't I still erase his contact?

What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?

What connects us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?

What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?

How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?

What kind of person have I become thanks to my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadows of my consciousness, has found light?
Can I move on on my own? Bless him and let him go? Do I have love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is still unfinished between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to something that is already in the past?

Personal addiction recovery method

This method is proposed by psychologists Berry and Jenny Wanhold. It consists of twelve points, which can be briefly described as follows:

Realize that you have a problem that needs to be solved. As with getting rid of any other type of addiction, you need to start with the fact that you need to stop depending on other people’s opinions and realize that there is a problem.
Investigate the causes of the problem. It is better to do this together with a psychologist. Only a specialist will be able to understand exactly when dependence on someone else’s opinion began to form, and what kind of relationships in the family caused the formation of stable dependencies.
Learn to understand the symptoms and their connection with the real situation, that is, try to trace what exactly in your life can cause an increase or decrease in dependence on the opinions of others.
Don't shift the blame for your mistakes onto others. Learn to respond appropriately to criticism.
Don't strive to be absolute perfection. Overcoming perfectionism is another important task on the path to how to cope with addiction to a person.
Do not use subconscious or unconscious manipulation to get what you want.
Always be specific and clear about what you want, and don’t be afraid to ask for it directly.
Learn to feel free to express all your feelings. Never think about how it will resonate with other people.
Rethink your feelings, sensations, emotions, needs, desires and life attitudes.
Clearly understand the boundaries in your interaction with other people, never go beyond the boundaries of someone else’s psychological comfort.
Don’t be afraid to get close to other people, learn from their experiences, learn to maintain and establish relationships.
Balance your inner self by providing yourself with opportunities to develop your potential and talents.

Why and when you should see a psychologist

Emotional dependence is not just a state of mind. It is a verifiable psychological disorder that manifests itself in different ways and at different stages of life. In any case, a person must understand that he has become a victim of someone else’s choice and is not living his own life. That filling the inner emptiness is not the task of others. And true emotional satisfaction can only be achieved by self-love.

Important: it is impossible to be healed by another person. We need to heal that broken child that lives inside.

This is very serious work on yourself, which requires clear guidance. In the process of psychological rehabilitation, a person changes his thinking and gets rid of negative attitudes. Learn to live again. Therefore, there should be a professional nearby who will help you find the true causes and eliminate them correctly. Otherwise the situation will only get worse.

Our specialists often encounter similar situations and successfully help overcome any addiction.

Even one consultation with a psychologist will bring invaluable benefits. You can leave a request at any time, the service is open 24 hours. Within 5 minutes a specialist will be selected for your individual request. And the first 20 minutes of consultation are free.

How not to depend on the opinions of other people

Everyone who managed to achieve success in life, everyone, one way or another, had to fight against the colossal resistance of public opinion, family, colleagues, friends.

Almost every politician or scientist defended his opinion in front of an audience of people unfamiliar to him, and was subjected to attacks and misunderstanding on their part. But they were still able to succeed because they were independent of other people’s opinions! So what is independence?

Independence is a person’s ability not to depend on external influences and assessments, to independently regulate their own choices, behavior and be responsible for it.

In addition, psychologists say, without a doubt, that dependence on the opinions of others makes a person unhappy. The basis of various kinds of addictions is, first of all, fear; in the case of defending a thesis or project at work, it is the fear that other people will not be able to understand or will judge or speak unflatteringly about your work.

People with low self-esteem most often suffer from excessive dependence on the opinions of others, those who were controlled by their parents in childhood, not paying attention to what the child really wants. Such children were never listened to, and their wishes were simply ignored.

The first advice that most professional coaches give on how to stop depending on other people's opinions is to start listening to yourself. Even if you are constantly criticized and your clothing style is ridiculed, perhaps this is only disguised envy and not constructive comments.

As a rule, those who actively criticize others, saying unpleasant things, are not trying to help with advice or opinion at all - they are only trying to increase their own self-esteem at someone else’s expense. Therefore, if you are criticized, first of all, try to understand what goals the person is pursuing, whether he is an authority for you at all, and whether his opinion is important. After all, people who are sincerely trying to help try to show us positive qualities by giving compliments. Any criticism can be destructive.

What is this feeling

This type of dependent relationship can take several forms:

love;
psychological.

The first involves obsession with a partner, parent or friend, teacher, artist. If such a feeling arises, the best option would be to immediately contact a psychologist.

Such attachment can lead to the main danger - a negative and destructive impact on the mental state of the dependent person. Such a person does not see the problem and wants to completely dissolve in his beloved, fulfill all his dreams and requests.

There is also psychological dependence on other people, the development of which is to blame for culture and society. In many films, books and theatrical performances we see true, sincere and heroic love, which gives rise to unhealthy behavior in us, the desire for the same romantic and loud relationships as in literary works. Another reason for the occurrence of such an illness is the primordial female image: a girl is obliged to love her husband with all her heart, fulfill his whims and care for him.

When a person does not build his personal boundaries, attachment develops on a psychological level. This manifests itself if the individual does not see the line where his influence ends and begins. He will not be able to clearly say which desires belong to him and which belong to his parents, partner, management. He also doesn’t listen to his body well, for example, he is unable to say “no” to his loved one in intimacy when he doesn’t want it at all. Such a person lives the life of another person, she is absorbed in him, and meanwhile her dreams, aspirations, desires act as ghosts.

But there is another reason for the appearance of such attachment - the loss of a close friend, spouse, parent. If an individual experiences this, he is traumatized. This event left an imprint of fear of loss on his life. Because of this, he becomes intrusive, overly responsive, and uses all his strength to maintain close relationships.

Keep things in perspective

As soon as you begin to closely study the problem: how to stop depending on other people’s opinions, you immediately understand that it is not worth your attention.

Along with the fact that each of us has only one life and is also too short to worry about the opinions of other people (we are not talking about relatives or loved ones), there is another reason not to pay attention to them: their views can change over time. time.

Let's say that at some point in time, your colleagues or fellow students made fun of you for wearing ripped jeans. Let's say this was a time when boyfriend jeans were not yet in fashion. You stop wearing them. But with time, fashion changes and ripped jeans are now becoming very popular. This example will help you appreciate that dependence on the opinions of others is a problem that can be easily overcome if you set yourself up correctly.

You shouldn’t depend on other people’s opinions, because they are so fickle!

Find out your addiction type

Here are the two most common types of addiction:

Dependence as a desire to dissolve in a partner, refusal of one’s own responsibility and determination. The main idea: “I don’t exist without you.” The feeling of being part of another, the feeling that your partner is much better, stronger, more interesting than you. People of this type are prone to masochism.
Dependence as a desire to devour a partner, dominate him, control him. Main idea: “You are part of me.” The desire to dominate a partner, to absorb his individuality. People of this type are prone to sadism.

All types of addiction have approximately the same causes. And the ways to get out of this state into a healthy relationship are also approximately the same for all types of addiction.

What is the definition of recovery from addiction?

As mentioned above, addiction can affect people of any gender, any age and is inherently no different from other types of addictions. The need for the presence of a loved one in cases of love addiction is constantly growing.

If a person is in an unequal relationship that causes him psychological and emotional harm, if these relationships devastate him and bring mental suffering, then we are talking about pathological types of addiction. In an unequal relationship, a dependent person sacrifices his freedom and health.

Dependence on other people's opinions manifests itself in people with a weak character, when the dependent cannot make any decisions without the help of loved ones and is easily influenced by a stronger person. A person with such problems easily obeys people with leadership qualities. People who do not know how to stop depending on the opinions of others become dependent on positive or negative evaluation from their environment, be it friends, acquaintances or relatives.

Test

To find out for sure about your addiction, get tested. Answer the following questions:

Do you often feel anxious about your relationship?
Do you have difficulty saying no?
Are you constantly seeking his approval?
If he praises you, does your mood improve?
Do you panic if your partner is not happy with something?
Can't imagine your life without him?
Is he not interested in your goals?

If you only have 1-2 positive responses, this means that you are in the early stages of addiction. If there are already three “yes”, you are at the second stage, in order to prevent the development of the disease in a timely manner, sign up for my consultation, I will help you get rid of it. If 4-7 positive answers, you have the last stage of attachment.

How to make sure that you are dependent on your partner?

How to understand what prevails in a relationship - love or dependence? In the virtual space you can find many different tests, and in glossy magazines you can find articles devoted to this issue.

But should you blindly trust them? The nature of every relationship is unique. What becomes a pathology in one couple, in another indicates love and respect. It is impossible to measure specific feelings with generalized concepts. Attachment to a person, participation in his life, passion for his interests, manifestations of care and respect - this is not a pathology.

How can you test your relationship without harming it? Psychologists recommend spending some time apart. We are not talking about a weekend, but about a much longer period of time. Moreover, you should refrain from constant phone calls or communications via the network. From a distance, things become apparent that cannot be seen up close.

If a woman is sad and strives to send photos of the surrounding landscapes, tell a man about the interesting place she is in - this indicates love. But if your hand automatically reaches for your smartphone to find out what shirt a man is wearing, whether he ironed it, what he took with him for lunch, what time he returned from work, these are symptoms of addiction.

What is the point of keeping a diary?

This question arises for most Russian women. Women in the West are accustomed to keeping a diary; it is an integral part of their childhood and youth. In Russia there is no such mass tradition.

Meanwhile, keeping a diary is extremely useful. Describing events, thoughts, and sensations that have occurred, a person experiences them again, but this time meaningfully. That is, a woman, taking notes, is aware of her feelings and reactions. In addition, the diary allows you to compare emotions in relationships at different time periods.

What is emotional dependence?

Normally, in relationships of any kind, we may occasionally experience feelings of dependence.
Simply because we are always in a state of exchanging emotions with other people. For example, we are always not indifferent to what our loved ones or our boss think about us. And if, for example, the boss criticized our work, then we will be sad or worried. And if a friend gives us a compliment, our mood will improve. However, no matter what emotions other people make us experience, we can still recognize ourselves as individual individuals whose opinions about ourselves may not coincide with the opinions of others. Normally, we maintain a sense of our own autonomy and are not destroyed by the fact that someone does not approve of us. In the case of pathological emotional dependence, which is especially characteristic of love relationships, a person does not recognize himself as a separate person; he is almost always in a state of psychological fusion with another person. As a rule, any love relationship goes through this stage of merging - at the stage of falling in love, when both partners are literally absorbed in each other, and practically do not part. However, in a mature relationship, the stage of falling in love gives way to partnership. And at this stage, the relationship between the partners may not be so touching, but it is more comfortable - in a couple, everyone has their own space and autonomy.

But this does not happen with dependent people - they experience the autonomy of another as a threat to the security of the relationship. Such people always try to maintain relationships at the level of the first stage of merging, when “we are one,” “we watched the movie and we didn’t like it.” In essence, a dependent relationship in a couple is a regression, an attempt to reproduce a child-parent relationship, in which one is an “adult” who must support, pay attention, give gifts, etc., and the other is a “child”, small and weak , which consumes all these emotional benefits.

Most often, in such a couple, the “child” always clings to the relationship, craves emotional intimacy, and the “adult” is always emotionally cold, distancing himself. One seems to be running away all the time, and the other is catching up. And due to cultural and gender characteristics, the role of the one who is catching up is usually a woman, and the role of the one running away is usually a man.