How to interest people: basic techniques

June 23, 2019
Psychology of communication
Andrey Raiter

The attention of a modern person is a very valuable resource, which is of great importance both in everyday interpersonal relationships and in business. Therefore, the efforts of psychologists, marketers, sociologists and specialists from other industries are counting on it. But how to interest people if there are no compelling reasons for this? The universal answer is that these very preconditions need to be created or strengthened. Another thing is that depending on the situation this is done in different ways.

Follow the interests of the interlocutor

The easiest way to reach a person from whom attention is required is to carry on a conversation related to his immediate interests. Accordingly, they must initially be defined. The topic of the conversation itself does not necessarily have to coincide with these interests - as a rule, transitional chains are formed through indirect and general topics. But how to interest people if their range of interests has nothing to do with the topic of discussion? In this case, the rule of artificially involving a person in the desired context applies. For example, by identifying a problem that he was previously unaware of, but is now ready to enthusiastically talk about.

How to learn to communicate with people: exercises

Now there will be bad news. There are no exercises to develop communication skills. But don't be upset. To learn to communicate you need to (drum roll!)... communicate. Don't throw stones at me - I learned from the experts how to do it. Let's call our exercise “Development of communication skills”

"Development of communication skills"

The purpose of the exercise: to communicate with as many people as possible until it becomes as natural a process as breathing.

Methodology: Every day we interact with a large number of people. These are our family, friends, colleagues, sellers and those lucky ones who call to offer us a loan or find out our opinion about the quality of communication. From this day forward, consider them all as your assistants in developing your communication skills.

We woke up. Ask your partner what he dreamed about. What are his plans for the day? What does he plan to have for lunch? Ask your children if they like the weather, what cartoon series they watch, and what's going on. In the office, listen to what your colleagues are talking about. Join the conversation. Ask clarifying and leading questions. Use active listening techniques and be happy when it works! In the evening, talk to the seller. Ask him how his day is going. Thank you for good service.

Advanced technique: start honing your skills on loved ones and friends. But gradually learn to start a conversation with strangers. For example, with your neighbor in line, with a beautiful girl at the cinema, with the owner of the dog that you always wanted to pet, but didn’t dare. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you will probably feel awkward. To relieve discomfort:
Breathe slowly into your belly.
Smile (this will give you cheerfulness and confidence).
Don't focus on yourself, think about the interlocutor and what you want to get from communication.

Safety precautions: when training communication skills, remember that not everyone is not always open to communication. You should not approach a person if he looks gloomy and irritated, or is busy with something else. In addition to communication skills, it is desirable to develop empathy or emotional intelligence - the ability to feel the mood of others. But this is a topic for a separate article. How often to perform the exercise: every day, as often as possible.

Ingratiate yourself

Even if the interests of the interlocutor coincide with the topic of the agenda, this does not mean that the goal of attracting his attention will be achieved. Moreover, even the interest shown on his part does not at all guarantee that he will be ready to take certain steps - for example, to purchase a certain product. This will only be possible if you trust the narrator. And here another question arises - how can you interest a person so that he trusts? If we talk about the content itself, it is advisable to include as many short but personal stories as possible in the text. In principle, expressing a personal attitude is beneficial. The main point is in the plane of psychological adjustment through values and emotions. Again, it will be useful to have an idea about the interlocutor, his tastes, values, principles, etc.

How to learn to communicate with people: advice from psychologists

As we found out, an interesting interlocutor develops three qualities. The ability to listen, the ability to improvise or maintain a conversation on any topic, and a love of life.

How to develop listening skills?

Listen actively to the other person. In psychology, active listening is a method of demonstrating attention to an opponent. You give a person a “live connection”; he understands that his words and emotions are important to you.

Basic active listening techniques:

Pauses. When a person stops in his story, do not immediately start a new topic. This will give time to comprehend his story, to complement the story.
Clarifications. Ask clarifying questions. For example, they tell you that they attended a concert of their favorite band. You can ask where the event took place, what they liked, what songs were performed, how many years the interlocutor has been a fan of the artist, and so on. Show keen interest.
Open questions. There are closed questions that can be answered “yes” or “no,” and open questions that require a detailed answer. Let's go back to the concert example. You can ask “Did you like it?” and hear the answer “Yes”. Or ask “What did you like best?” and find out that the performance had perfect sound, the bassist played a phenomenal solo, and the vocalist looked exactly like his first love.
Retelling and reporting perceptions. Repeat the phrases of your interlocutor in your own words and reflect his emotions in the conversation. This will let him know that you are really listening. “So the vocalist looks like Vovka, with whom you were in love in the fifth grade? You must have been surprised and excited!”

Not so difficult, right?

How to expand your horizons?

We learned to listen, the second point is to learn how to maintain a conversation on different topics.

Right now, take a piece of paper or open your notes on your smartphone. Write down the areas that interest you.

You'll be surprised at how many topics you can hold a conversation about right now! It is enough to periodically refresh your knowledge in those areas that are really interesting to you. You will have a good outlook and will be able to understand how to communicate when it comes to your favorite topic.

Use intrigue

From the deep level of influence you can move on to the superficial, but no less important. The intrigue laid at the very beginning arouses slight interest. If it can be created correctly, the listener will be riveted to the narrator's presentation. But how to intrigue a person to achieve such an effect? The two simplest tools are promise and understatement.

In the first case, you can simply promise to share an important secret, news, or simply factual data. But under no circumstances should we forget about this. The interlocutor will be intrigued for a while, but then the promise must be fulfilled, otherwise the work on trust will be disrupted.

As for understatement, its mechanism is more complex and resembles manipulation in form. There should be a logical incompleteness in the presentation, and the narrator does not need to indicate it in any way. How to interest people in this way? You can simply stop at the key point, ending the story crumpled and thereby not revealing important details for the denouement. In the future, you can return to this topic, which will attract the attention of listeners every time.

How to communicate with people at work?

Successful business communication rests on three pillars:

Respectful attitude towards colleagues and superiors.
The ability to set your boundaries and say no.
Ability to resolve conflicts.

A respectful attitude means, first of all, avoiding gossip. Do not participate in “undercover games”, do not express your opinion about your colleague or his work to third parties. The team often works on the principle of a “broken telephone”: your words may be distorted, and it will no longer be possible to explain their true meaning, and your colleagues will do this:

Second rule: learn to say “no.” Do not overstep your own principles in order to make friends or be in good standing with your superiors. How to say “no” without offending your interlocutor? You can avoid aggravation of relations if you explain your refusal. For example, say "no, sorry, I can't stay longer today because I have an important meeting." Although you have the right to say “no” without giving reasons.

Everything is clear with the first points, let's move on to the third. It is almost impossible to avoid conflicts at work: misunderstandings can arise in any team. What to do if you find yourself in the middle of a quarrel?

Take a deep breath. Throughout the conflict, periodically return to slow abdominal breathing. This will help you keep a cool head, not get emotionally involved, and see the essence of the problem.
Listen to your opponent and understand what doesn’t suit him. The interlocutor does not always know how to identify his needs. For example, if a boss scolds his subordinates, his real need is not to “let off steam”, but to receive a report on time or increase sales.
Use “I” statements. When you decide to speak up, avoid the “you” statements. That is, say not “you yourself said that the report is needed by Wednesday,” but “I understand that the report is needed by Wednesday.” This defuses the conflict situation.

Psychologists recommend using “I statements” with any interlocutor, especially during a tense conversation. Not “you’re late,” but “I’m upset about the long wait.” Not “you promised”, but “I hoped that...”.

You can learn to communicate in rhetoric courses. There you will not only remove the internal blocks that prevent you from freely expressing your thoughts and feelings, but you will also understand how to speak interestingly, vividly and figuratively; how to convey the essence of your speech to the audience and be understood.

Now you have everything you need to learn how to communicate with people. Don't procrastinate - go right now and ask a colleague, friend or relative how their day is going.

Use active listening techniques and gradually expand your social circle. You will succeed!

This training may be right for you:

10 Best Public Speaking Courses in Moscow
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The Best Online Training Courses in the Field You're Interested in

Help your interlocutor

The significance of the topics with the formulation of certain problems has already been noted. As research shows, it is attempts to solve existing or newly emerging problems that most strongly push people to take certain actions in the form of the same purchase of a product that will become a solution. In other words, in the question of how to interest a person, the offer of help is important. Moreover, it should be presented as fully as possible and clearly formulated from the point of view of the mechanism for solving the problem. If the interlocutor is really concerned about a specific topic, he will certainly listen to the narrator.

What is it for?

Where can this be used?

The ability to engage an individual or an audience helps you convey your key messages and encourage the audience to perceive those messages in a positive way.

This skill can be successfully used in:

personal sphere (to please a representative of the opposite sex, to convince your other half of the need to perform certain actions, to apologize convincingly, to make new friends, to be the “life of the party” and to be popular among friends);
professional field (successfully present yourself as a specialist, your product and your skills, promote your ideas and attract new partners/investors);
in the domestic sphere (to take advantage of the sympathy of random people who may be useful).

Be able to listen

Throughout the communication process, it is important not to forget to listen to the person you plan to interest. He can give important information about himself, his attitude to the topic, current emotional state and other information that can be used to attract his attention.

But how to interest people if they basically don’t want to make contact? In the absence of feedback, tactics of spontaneous and unexpected influence for the interlocutor should also be used. It could be a joke, a colorful story, a call to action, or a question addressed to the listener. It is necessary to “stir up” the person and only after that expect other reactions from him, including the expression of his personal attitude to the subject of conversation, etc. By the way, the very fact that they listen to him will be a plus in building further communication.

At the next stage, a direct call for discussion may be required, which will enhance the effectiveness of communication. The optimal form of this interaction involves an exchange of opinions on equal terms. In such conditions, real mutual interest is born.

Practical techniques

How to please people? Practical techniques will help you quickly gain attention and sow the seed of sympathy, which will germinate during interaction with a person or audience:

Make a mistake. If you deliberately make a mistake, and then accept the correction from your interlocutor and become slightly embarrassed, you can bribe any person.
By making mistakes, we demonstrate that perfect people do not exist.
This allows the interlocutor to feel emotional comfort next to a person who is at the highest levels of the social ladder. In addition, the opponent will not be afraid to make a mistake in the future, which means he will not be careful and pull himself back.
Give compliments using someone else's hands. People usually have mixed feelings when receiving direct compliments or praise from others. They begin to feel embarrassed, lost, and suspect the author of pleasant words of rude flattery. Therefore, it is more effective to give compliments from a third person: “Anna Sergeevna, your employee Nikolai yesterday admired your plan for the development of the department so much!”
Encourage the person to self-praise . To do this, praise the way of behavior or thinking, and not the person himself. For example, a friend tells you: “In 4 days I learned how to solve these complex problems.” You can answer this way: “It must be incredibly difficult to figure out examples from higher mathematics in 4 days.” Here your friend will definitely praise himself: “Yes, I worked hard, you can’t argue with that.” By allowing a person to praise himself, you make him feel good.
Don't be afraid to ask for help .
People value those in whom they were able to demonstrate their nobility, as well as those in whom they invested their own resources. Therefore, if you ask for a (simple) favor, the chances of the person liking you will increase.
Try to limit “uncertain phrases.” “It seems to me,” “I think,” “I don’t insist that this is correct,” and other phrases that emphasize a person’s lack of confidence in his words can turn your interlocutor away from you. Limit such introductions.

A little about external attractiveness

The first thing that attracts people in interpersonal relationships is, of course, appearance. Follow some simple rules to create pleasant emotions in others:

Follow the rules of personal hygiene. There should be no unpleasant odors coming from you, your skin and hair should be clean. Take care of the condition of your hands and nails.
If you are a girl, when going to a meeting, wear light makeup to hide skin problems and highlight your facial features. If you are a man, be sure to shave your stubble or trim the contours of your beard.
Find your own clothing style that will highlight your unique personality. These should be original, but not vulgar things.
Your clothing should be appropriate for the occasion. If you are going to a formal event, a business suit is required, but for an informal meeting it is quite possible to wear jeans.
Watch your posture. A straight back and back shoulders are characteristics of a confident person.

Know what to shoot with

Your four main traits or four positives that correspond to the 3W rule.

- key skill, - character trait, - your achievement, - you are the company / position.

You can try using this scheme. Or you can come up with what you will “shoot”. And maybe it will surprise you. You can use this construction to begin with - immediately talk about the situation.

// “When companies need to analyze..., that’s when I show up. I do…” + “I have a good sense of the client’s needs” + “They all come back to me again” - Already a more complete picture!

// “If someone cannot understand himself, then he comes to me. Im Anya. Psychologist"

// “People often lose their things. So I came up with my own application that helps you search for them. Sergey, startuper"

// “When some resource needs help with promotion and getting into the media, I work on a PR strategy that they can then use”

// “If my company had problems with.., then that’s exactly what I dealt with with the help of...”

How to intrigue your lover with words to get him back?

It is believed that a thoughtfully composed and timely SMS can cause an attack of tenderness in a man, arouse pleasant memories, and remind him how great you were together.
If your lover is offended by you for some reason, try sending him a message with the following content: “I remember our trip to the sea. It was great!”, “I went to our cafe today - a storm of memories!”
If your boyfriend is a movie fan or a book lover, then select a quote with relevant content and send it to him. Rest assured, he will smile and appreciate your efforts.
Avoid clichés and banalities to intrigue a man or guy. It is necessary that, upon receiving your message, the man understands that you tried and thought about your message.

Examples

Intriguing

The question arises: can all people be like this?

Yes, it depends on the internal state, how confident a person is and how important new contacts are to him. This is translated into the external environment through body language and read by other people. A confident posture, an open smile, and adjusting your body position to the orientation in space of your interlocutor helps to attract attention.

Why doesn't everyone succeed in this? First of all, because inside they are not yet ready for this, they have a lot of fears, they are not inclined to communicate. Otherwise, when a person is looking for communication, it can be seen in his behavior and body language.