- October 25, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Anna Gorbenko
Throughout our lives, intentionally or on a subconscious level, in our actions we are accustomed to being guided by someone else's example. First in childhood, then in adolescence, and then as adults, we involuntarily draw an analogy in our actions with the actions of that person who is considered for us a kind of guide, a role model, a kind of idol. During the course of life, this kind of idols may change, but often they remain the same for many years. These mentors for us are, of course, our parents. The relationship between a mother and her daughter has special magnetism, extraordinary energetic power and an invisible strong connection. However, it often happens that the daughter’s mother’s warm feelings are not enough. And then she asks the question in outright bewilderment: “Why doesn’t my mother love me?”
The advice of psychologists and their explanations on this matter are ambiguous, since at different stages of life problems of a different nature arise between children and parents - from pure childhood promiscuity and capriciousness to the stage of conflict and misunderstanding at the global level in adulthood.
Maternal love as a consequence of unwanted pregnancy
In everyday life, we are used to seeing happy children next to equally happy mothers. Alas, the current environment, poor heredity, as well as the decline in health indicators both among older members of society and among young urban residents, entail frequent metamorphoses in which seemingly healthy women suffer from infertility. Therefore, today for many of them, the number one pressing problem and insoluble issue is the inability to become a mother. In such cases, unhappy women look with tears in their eyes and involuntary envy at other representatives of the fair sex who have already experienced the joy of motherhood.
Despite the irresistible feeling of joy that every young mother should experience, today there are often ladies who are not particularly happy about their pregnancy, and especially about motherhood. Unfortunately, such non-standard trivial situations still happen among some representatives of the fair sex. As a result, women who give birth during an unwanted pregnancy are then unable to adequately express their feelings towards their own child. The unfortunate baby, being a child and then growing up as a full-fledged mature person, then often asks the question: “Why did my mother never love me?”
Reasons for maternal “dislike”
In fact, there can be a lot of reasons for an unwanted pregnancy and subsequent dislike for your own baby. Which ones are the most common?
- Unpreparedness to become a mother. Most situations in which a mother’s somewhat indifferent and cold attitude towards her child is observed is a consequence of simple unpreparedness. It often happens that the upcoming imminent motherhood does not fit into the woman’s plans at all, and the pregnancy itself is unplanned. Often these are precisely those cases when a very young girl, due to carelessness and inexperience, neglects protection during sexual intercourse with the opposite sex. Many women, even those who did not plan a pregnancy, actually associate abortion with murder, so they do not terminate it. However, this can still leave an imprint of dislike on your own child. Especially if the sexual relationship was accidental, and the father is not going to recognize the baby.
- Associative projection of antipathy towards the father onto a negative attitude towards the child. Children who are not loved by their mother may simply be victims of an analogy that she draws on a subconscious level, recognizing in the appearance, behavior, and actions of her child the biological father who is hated by her heart. There may be a lot of reasons why a woman may have a negative attitude towards a man who, by chance, became the second parent of her baby. But the fact of maternal dislike, from a psychological point of view, is justified specifically by associative thinking, which makes her hate the child just like his father.
- Psychological disorders. A woman born into unlove often tries with all her might to give her children a life that is much happier than she herself had. But sometimes such a situation turns against the unfortunate baby: that poor thing, who in childhood suffered from parental dislike, grew up in an atmosphere of regular scandals, conflicts, abuse, insults and beatings - such a woman takes on a different color of values in her understanding of family and moral family values. Against the backdrop of a psychologically unstable state and an imbalance in the emotional background of a girl in childhood, as an adult, she begins to show the peculiarities of her upbringing in the example of her own child, passing on, so to speak, by inheritance everything that she once had to feel, taking it as her kind norm in the relationship between parent and child. Simply put, a woman’s incorrectly functioning consciousness in terms of raising children, the roots of the problem going deep into childhood, provokes her to show aggression towards her own baby. Moreover, this manifests itself both in relationships with a one-year-old baby and with an adult child who already has children of his own.
- Fact of violence. Women subjected to forced sexual intercourse perceive the fact of what happened differently and continue their lives differently after the crime of which they became victims. But each of these unfortunate people is subjected to severe psychological shock, not to mention physical discomfort. Intimacy with men for such women after a fatal event no longer brings them any satisfaction; on the contrary: sexual contacts themselves, and especially children born subsequently, cause victims of violence, if not negativity, then at least complete and all-consuming indifference.
If we talk about actual maternal hatred or antipathy towards her children, then we have clarified the most common reasons for such feelings in a mother. But often an opinion like “Mom doesn’t love me and doesn’t understand me!” Why?" comes specifically to girls and boys in adolescence, when, due to their transitional period, they make incorrect conclusions and make erroneous assumptions against the backdrop of youthful impulsiveness and unbridled temper.
"Thin skin"
When you have a wound inside you, you feel the world very keenly. You are good at taking bearings of those wounded like you.
But you are also mega-sensitive to good manifestations addressed to you. And this becomes a “mine”, which in the end is easy to blow up. The man asked you, “How are you?” - and you’re already thinking: “How attentive he is!”, He opened the doors for you - “How caring he is!”, Treated you to ice cream and coffee - “How lucky I am, how cool he is.”
The unloved girl was not used to being asked, given something, or shown attention. Therefore, she repeatedly exaggerates and embellishes what is commonplace for her beloved daughters
And having embellished the ordinary, she no longer sees the real thing - that interest in business can be routinely polite, and ice cream and coffee can talk about male attention, but do not at all clarify what it is and what a man is like
Therefore, she repeatedly exaggerates and embellishes what is commonplace for her beloved daughters. And having embellished the ordinary, she no longer sees the real thing - that interest in business can be routinely polite, and ice cream and coffee can talk about male attention, but do not at all clarify what it is and what a man is like.
Parental neglect in childhood
At different age stages, the relationship between parents and children undergoes many changes. Well-known in psychology, age-related crises throughout life are determined by the formation of psycho-emotional development, first of a baby, then a child, then a teenager, an adult and an elderly person. It should be noted that early childhood plays a special role in the development of the relationship between a mother and her child. The baby looks at the reaction of his parent, adopts her feelings, emotions, and mood. Looking at his mother’s reaction, he receives a message to action by repeating her facial expressions.
There are cases where women suffered from a depressive-stagnant postpartum period. Indifference shines through in the eyes of such mothers; they are physically unable to give their baby warmth, affection, and care. They do everything automatically. In fact, this kind of disorder leaves its mark on the child’s development and knowledge of the world around him. He loses the lion's share of the warmth that he should receive from his mother in the first years of his life. Such dislike is not only sad, but also fraught with consequences for the unfortunate baby, because as a result, over the years, he develops the opinion that the dearest woman in his life does not need him. After all, it’s really scary when a child mentally repeats the phrase in his head: “My mother doesn’t love me.” Fortunately, this kind of depression today can be eliminated by enlisting the support of loved ones, the influence of therapeutic techniques from a psychologist, and restructuring one’s own beliefs and moods in favor of caring for the baby.
From “domostroy” to “declaration of the rights of the child”
There has never been a generally accepted definition of love, and what to take as the basis of education is still not clear. “Discipline your son from his youth, and you will rejoice for him in his maturity; raise your children in prohibitions, and you will find peace and blessing in them” - to modern parents such a command seems outrageously soulless and cruel, but just a couple of centuries ago such maxims were considered an immutable truth. Now everything is different: the old educational guidelines have been destroyed, and the new ones are still extremely vague.
In the old days in Rus' it was simple - the foundations did not change for centuries: the grandfather, holding his grandson in his arms, knew what the baby’s life would be like and how to prepare him for it. From an early age, respect for elders was hammered into young people, so that later - in adulthood - they could not doubt the correctness of parental guidance and would accurately reproduce it on their children. There was no talk of love for the younger generation then: give birth - grow, that’s the whole science. Sooner or later, this ossified system was bound to fail and cause a revolt among the most advanced part of the population.
Information began to be received not only from parents and grandparents, but also, for example, from books or from travel abroad. We now know very well what this led to: society stirred up, looked at parent-child relationships from a different angle and put forward new pedagogical ideas.
But this is only one - positive - side of the coin, and on the other side there is total parental confusion. Now the mother has no idea what kind of world her beloved baby will live in, what to teach him and what to forbid. We have a lot of doubts about the consistency and adequacy of our own pedagogical views, but, alas, we cannot find answers to our questions.
And then how to love a child correctly? After all, to love is not only to pat you on the head and sing songs at night, but also to educate you - to prepare you for adult life, in which there will be not only roses, but also, naturally, thorns.
Disagreements between mother and daughter during adolescence
The relationship between mother and daughter in adolescence has a slightly different color, but no less pronounced. The problems of fathers and children have been talked about, talked about and will always be talked about. In addition, this particular age is often experienced by teenagers in a turbulent state of imbalance of their perception and worldview with the surrounding realities. We were all once teenagers, we all know how actively at this moment we accept the position of youthful maximalism, how it seems to us that everyone around is saying and doing the wrong thing, forbidding us to do something, contradicting us, and so on. . Another age crisis, nothing more.
But specifically during this period, the beginnings of misunderstanding between the adult and younger generations are determined. Children do not hear their parents, parents try to curb, rein in, calm down their children. And here problems often arise between mothers and their daughters. Young girls ask questions about how to deal with parental “attacks” if, for example, it is unbearable to communicate with their mother, or if their father has become overly harsh in terms of upbringing. On the one hand, such behavior in most cases is considered far-fetched by teenagers, since, due to their teenage rebellion, they look at things too subjectively. The situation is quite typical for the average family in modern society. But there is also the other side of the coin: girls’ thoughts like “My mother doesn’t love me” can be colored by the child’s manic conviction, based on some exaggerated judgments by himself. This mood should be stopped immediately, because often, due to such a plan of youthful fantasies, one observes running away from home in adolescence, committing eccentric acts, or, worst of all, committing suicide.
How does hatred of a mother affect a child's life?
Hatred towards a loved one is a destructive condition that is associated with an equally severe feeling of guilt. A person cannot bear them for a long time without talking through them and without changing the situation. Suppressed anger is directed against the person himself, health, and against the people around him.
A man thinks about his mother
When aggression cannot be directed at the address, it moves on to one’s body - this is how psychosomatic problems or self-harm appear. If hatred is turned against the person himself, a tendency to destructive or risky behavior, dangerous habits, and addictions appears.
Ignoring difficult emotional experiences creates a risk of depression and outbursts of anger. In adulthood, this affects relationships with your partner and children. The model of interaction that was once created with the mother continues to be played out within one’s own family.
Misjudgments
The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:
- “My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
- "My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
- “My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.
The requirement to see each other often
Couples need time to be alone and strengthen their relationship, especially if they work. However, this valuable time may be invaded by parents who decide to take over your care. For example, if you live nearby, your partner's mother may start bringing groceries or prepared meals to your house every few days, or her father may show up unannounced to fix a leak in the sink he saw last time. Either way, you just can't get rid of them. They may appear on odd days and odd hours when you're really preoccupied with intimacy issues.
So why do parents do this? This is a manifestation of overprotection and the need to be close. They would like to monitor your relationship, or prevent certain things from happening in your relationship, such as frequent sex. Whatever their reason for hanging up, this intrusiveness can be extremely annoying. Not feeling like you have enough freedom can make you feel suffocated, and this may be enough to make you want to leave the relationship.
Conflict of interest between two adult women
The described problem gains more serious momentum in the daughter’s adulthood in her relationship with her mother. And if youthful maximalism projects problematic situations based more on fantasized grievances that do not exist in real life, then an adult woman in disputes with her mother is guided by real facts. “Mom doesn’t love my child”, “my mother continues to hate my husband”, “my mother only becomes more stubborn and angry with age” - such thoughts today often occur to mature, stately women who already have their own family and their own children. Often this behavior of mothers is explained by age: it is not for nothing that they say that old people are like children. Excessive touchiness, manifestations of annoyance, and frequent upsets for no reason are increasingly common in older women. And on whom else should they take out the costs of their old age, if not on their children?
Festive dinners.
Despite the joy they are supposed to bring, the holidays can be some of the saddest days of the year. Spending the entire day as a large family can be exhausting in itself, but the holidays especially can cause problems in relationships. You may feel like you want to spend the holidays with your close friend, but his family may resent him for giving his time and attention to you. They may host holiday dinners and insist on their child being with them alone rather than bringing you along, and you may actually feel like you have to share their time with them.
For a growing couple, the holidays are an opportunity to be alone, to get closer and enjoy each other. But when the couple separates, they are denied this opportunity. Spending time with each other's families only comes naturally when the couple becomes more involved in the larger family, and if your partner's parents try to prevent this, then it means they don't approve of you or don't consider you important enough to participate in family interactions .
This can definitely create tension and disrupt communication with your partner.
Resentment
The above-mentioned resentment is a frequent reason why women wage internal internecine family wars. What to do if mom doesn't love you? Why is she acting this way? How to return her location?
The advice of psychologists develops certain tactics of behavior in each specific case, but in general terms the scheme of actions is as follows:
- the daughter’s primary task is to find out the reason for her mother’s resentment;
- if the root of the problem is discovered, it is necessary to bring it up for discussion with the mother in a specific constructive dialogue;
- if the daughter is guilty, she must be followed by an obligatory apology;
- choosing an affectionate and gentle tone will soften any mother’s heart, even an “offended” one.
Manipulation with money
Money can be a huge factor in romantic relationships. Lack of money and constant financial difficulties put a lot of pressure on people. But money can be just as problematic in your relationship thanks to parental involvement. For example, if a girl's parents continue to give her (and, by extension, you) money (even as a loan), they can thus control your relationship. Money is a big plus that parents use to interfere with independent relationships, although they do not always do it maliciously. But sometimes they do. They give you money, or provide you with housing and say: “As long as I support you, I will decide what you do and how you live.” Financial interference can lead to other types of interference that affect your lifestyle as a couple. This can create puppet strings for you that your partner's parents pull to direct your life as they see fit. The quickest and best solution to this problem is to find a way to adequately support yourself without parental help. There are many aspects in which a person must be independent to make a romantic relationship independent, and financial independence is one of them. If you don't want to be in a position where you are beholden to your potential in-laws, then self-sufficiency is key.
Disappointment
Often, many girls experience depressing family drama amid thoughts like “It hurts me that my mother doesn’t love me.” Such maternal dislike may be a means of masking some disappointment of the parent in the actions or actions of her child, even an adult. This does not always specifically mean that a woman lacks maternal feelings. After all, we often put a lot of effort into making our dreams come true, in order to achieve a specific result. So do mothers: they send their daughters to dance lessons in anticipation of the beauties ascending to the pedestal of the world dance floor, they pay fabulous sums to the state fund for their children to undergo qualified training at a university with the expectation that they will work in their specialty.
Mothers always do everything for the benefit of their children, and when they act in their own way in response, parents are not always ready to accept such an answer from their child, which contradicts the initially set goals. But in such cases, the judgment of sons or daughters like “My mother does not love me” is completely unfair. Perhaps the mother's frustration is just some kind of disappointment in the fact that she wanted to see her child happy, and that the mother and her child's concepts of happiness diverged.
Changing consciousness
It is impossible to love by force! Well, okay... But you can change your attitude and the picture of the world drawn in our heads! You can radically change your attitude towards what is happening in the family. It's not easy, but it's necessary. You may need the help of a professional psychologist. If we are talking about a girl, she must understand that she herself will be a mother, and the most valuable thing she can give to her child is care and love!
There is no need to strive to please your mother, or anyone else. Just live and just do good deeds. You need to do it to the best of your ability. If you feel the edge after which a breakdown may occur, stop, take a breath, rethink the situation and move on. If you feel that your mother is again pressing on you with an aggressive attitude and driving you into a corner, say calmly and firmly “No! Sorry, mom, but you don't need to push me. I am an adult and I am responsible for my life. Thank you for taking care of me! I will reciprocate your feelings. But don't break me. I want to love and give love to my children. They are my best! And I am the best mom (best dad) in the world!”
There is no need to strive to please your mother, especially if over all the years of living with her you have realized that any action you take will be subject to criticism or, at best, indifference. Live! Just live! Call and help mom! Tell her about love, but don’t hurt yourself anymore! Do everything calmly. And don’t make excuses for all her reproaches! Just say: “Sorry, mom... Okay, mom...”, and nothing else, smile and move on. Be wise - this is the key to a calm and joyful life!
Hot temper
The problem of fathers and children is eternal. Do you sometimes feel like arguments with your parents are endless and have no end? Do you feel like your mother doesn't love you? How to live if you want to cry from parental injustice? All these questions often arise on the basis of some rash conclusions made by children in their opinion of their parents. Only in dysfunctional families can we talk about the real reasons for parental dislike. But often the child’s feeling of negativity from his mother is due to his own fantasized and unrealistic guesses. Hot temper is one of the first criteria from which absolutely no conclusions can be drawn. In a quarrel or scandalous situation, a person may throw into the air a phrase that he will later deeply regret. In view of this, all conflicts should always be tried to be resolved in a sober mind and sound consciousness, with steam running, and not in a fit of anger. Then you can reach a consensus and avoid obsessive ideas about how to live if your mother doesn’t love you.
If anyone but me?
If you think about why mothers don’t love their daughters from their first marriage, the answer usually seems obvious: they draw parallels between the child and the father with whom they separated, which means the memories remain bad. A woman is trying to start her life from scratch, but the child is always nearby, like a living reminder of the mistakes she has made. But the situation is not always explained in such a simple way. Perhaps the cause of all the problems is the narcissism of the older woman, convinced that the world should revolve around her. Often it is from such women that men run away, despite having a child together, who has to endure the nature of the parent.
Some women firmly believe that the world exists to satisfy their needs. They believe that the people around them are created to serve them, and this applies to their own children. For such a mother, it may be normal to raise a hand to the child or to mock her morally, and if in addition to the girl there is also a boy, it may be clear to explain why the mother loves her son more - as long as the daughter realizes her insignificance and is ready to extol and praise the parent, who is superior to her in everything .
Mothers of this type can explain the existence of children only as an object to serve their interests - that is why they give birth to them. If the child does not provide help, he should not be disturbed and show himself as little as possible. Of course, children growing up in such conditions are sure that they were born in vain. They consider themselves inferior and often live their entire lives alone.
Reality or fiction. Why doesn't a mother love her daughter?
We can talk about such misunderstandings for a long time. The word “misunderstanding” was used for a reason. After all, it is the misunderstanding between mother and daughter, and indeed between parent and child, that becomes the starting point, which later in the minds of young people is transformed into a problem on a more global level. “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” - This question is often asked by those representatives of the younger generation who are confused in their own feelings and mutual understanding with their parents. Yes, unfortunately, today in society there are many families who neglect social norms and foundations, suffer from antisocial behavior, immoral lifestyle, erroneous habits and aspirations. This can be discussed endlessly. But the percentage of such unfavorable and unhappy families, compared to normal average families, is disproportionately small. And it is in normal, prosperous families that children are still often too biased towards their parents, and often towards their mothers. The slightest parental disagreement, criticism, remark or reproach is perceived by children as a serious insult, an injection, or a manifestation of negativity on the part of the mother. Or, even worse, indifference. For the most part, children are driven to such thoughts by youthful spontaneity and teenage subjectivity, the inability to assess the situation impartially.
Why can a mother not love her daughter? Is it because she doesn't do her homework on time? No. Is it because she doesn’t help her mother clean the house and manage the kitchen? Hardly. Because the mother has to sit with her grandson while her daughter manages her responsibilities at work and transfers maternal responsibility to the shoulders of the grandmother? Of course not. All these reasons are not sufficiently substantiated; they relate to the problem only indirectly. Is it worth blaming a woman for unloving who is offended by her child, flares up, or expresses her dissatisfaction? Also no.
Psychologists recommend that we value the time that we have and use it correctly: devote more time to our parents, listen to their advice, delight them with the appearance of grandchildren, make them happy with our frequent visits. No sane, conscious woman can help but love her child. And the existing problems are already derivatives of childhood fantasies, teenage exaggeration, and age-related crisis. You need to learn to understand your mothers, respect them, forgive them for their harshness. After all, the day will inevitably come when it will be too late to correct mistakes. So why not try to improve the relationship now?
Maybe I should have tried harder to make things right?
This question stems from a deep aspiration and hope - tormented, abused, bleeding, but still alive and fueled by the idea that all mothers are loving, and therefore, if something goes wrong, it is solely due to the daughter’s mistakes or shortcomings.
It is accompanied by a huge feeling of guilt, since no one thinks about the really important responsibilities of a mother: she must not only love her child, but also achieve an attunement to him, help him cope with his emotions and learn to restore mental balance, raise him to be confident enough, so that he is ready for risks and possible failures, and also sees and perceives himself holistically, with all his strengths and weaknesses.
Instead, society instills: “she is your mother,” “she gave you life,” “she fed, clothed and supported you,” and finally, “you owe her.” As I often say, in the eyes of public opinion, the accused is always the daughter.
This issue is also fueled by an unwillingness to admit that you were unable to change the relationship because it was beyond your capabilities. As an adult, it's painful to realize that any power you seemed to have was just an illusion.
It is difficult to comprehend the fact that you could do nothing—literally nothing—except to maintain the status quo and endure the pain and humiliation that it entailed.
How to deal with the feeling of guilt and the idea that you are indebted to your mother because she fed, clothed and supported you?
First, put them in the right context. In fact, parents are required by law to provide clothing, food, and shelter for their children and can be punished if they fail to do so. If this is what it means to be a parent, then an orphanage can be called a place where children receive parental care.
Realize how reflexive your feelings of guilt are and trace them back to their roots. Ask yourself to what extent your feelings of guilt are formed by the unfounded opinions of other people who did not even bother to listen to you and understand your point of view. And how much it is strengthened by the cultural myth of the mother...
You may also have personal beliefs, including religious ones, that are important to you, which prompt you to ask this question. If this is the case, seek professional help to learn how to achieve some kind of balance where your views do not interfere with recovery and personal growth. Discussing such issues can be a huge relief.
