Loneliness... How much terrible, uncertain and painful in its own way is hidden in this word.
People, as social beings, are fundamentally very afraid of the feeling of loneliness, of being left without their family, friends and acquaintances. Be among people, but remain alone with yourself. Not everyone can handle such a test, but, unfortunately, many face it. Very often people do not realize how much they need others, some company, a circle of acquaintances or family, until they lose it. Only then do they become acutely aware of the need for it. We all want to know that someone needs us, that they are waiting for us and want everything to be fine. Loneliness isn't just about pain and hopelessness. There is another side. This is a great opportunity to reboot, step away from the world of other people and, finally, explore your world and hear yourself. Remember that you are the only person you will truly spend your entire life with. Everything around you will change, people will come and go, but you will always be there. So isn't it worth spending a little time and getting to know yourself properly? I think it's worth it. That is why at some stages of life’s journey it can be very useful to stay with yourself and understand your place in this world.
Feelings of loneliness and uselessness
In this article we will talk a little about something else. About the darker side, about the feeling of loneliness and worthlessness, about why people remain lonely even when they desperately want to have friends and family. There can be quite a lot of such reasons. The reason for the loneliness of a particular person can only be determined by analyzing his history and working through his situation. Just as no two people are the same, there are no identical reasons why they are still alone. Each such situation hides its own underlying reasons, fears and complexes.
Let's look at the main reasons for loneliness, although this is not the most pleasant thing, it is better to know the truth, no matter how bitter it may be, than to live in your safe and comfortable illusions, blaming the whole world for cruelty. Most likely, the reason is only in yourself. So, the first reason is that you don't like the person who looks at you every morning from the mirror. And I don’t like it physically. Well, he’s not attractive, that’s all. You can have the most interesting hobby, you can spend every winter in Nigeria watching wild lions, and at home you can have a collection of the rarest Egyptian beetles, but what’s the point of all this if you meet someone based on their clothes. First of all, other people evaluate your external parameters, and then, if you undergo face control, your personal qualities are assessed. In order for your interlocutor to appreciate your hobbies and way of life, you must interest him. How can you do this if you still brush your teeth twice a week and visited the hairdresser last year? If your situation is at least somewhat similar, it is better to reevaluate your views on life as soon as possible.
Causes
The feeling of uselessness does not form on its own. This requires compelling reasons. Most often, people do not record what is happening to them. It seems as if events really happen at random and are not controlled by anything. Let's take a closer look at the available reasons. So, why does the feeling of uselessness arise? Let's try to understand such a delicate issue.
Low self-esteem
If a person does not know how to value himself, then in a relationship he will always play the role of a victim. Most often, there is no understanding of one’s own importance, one’s own talents and capabilities. Any desired prospects seem distant and doubtful. Low self-esteem makes it impossible to show character when necessary. Even if circumstances require decisive action, such a person will be in doubt and indecision. He is simply not used to taking responsibility and acting from his own motives.
Negative experience
Whether we like it or not, we always rely on previous life experience. Whatever it is, it is of great value to us, because it leads us forward and helps us see the truth. If a person has only negative experience of interacting with others, then he will be wary of everything that happens. It will often seem to him that everyone is capable of setting him up, everyone he meets wants to deceive him and gain his own benefit.
Trauma of violence
If a person has such trauma, then there is a serious danger of not trusting people on a permanent basis. A person can be in this state for years, but still not find the strength to try to fix something. Experiencing violence at any stage of life is a serious test for the psyche. More often than not, a person breaks down and becomes unable to make the right decision. The trauma of violence causes incredible mental pain and contributes to an increase in anxiety.
Violation of personal boundaries
This may include experiences associated with defending one’s personal space. It really hurts your heart and doesn't help you feel happy. Violation of personal boundaries is always an invasion of the individual world, and sometimes very rude. If this happens on a regular basis, then the sense of stability in life is lost. It seems that there is nothing truly meaningful, interesting or beautiful. The ground under your feet is lost, even small problems seem colossal.
Constant feeling of loneliness
Are you afraid to be left alone with yourself and your thoughts, afraid of a constant feeling of loneliness? Perhaps you feel some anxiety, boredom, hostility? Imagine how others feel about you. If you can't even tolerate yourself for any length of time, how are other people supposed to deal with it? Try, first of all, to at least interest yourself.
Some of us suffer from low self-esteem, or maybe even an inferiority complex. Such people are not confident in themselves, they constantly doubt whether it is worth communicating with others, and whether they should approach, because they are so insignificant, they represent so little of themselves in comparison with others. People with low self-esteem constantly feel out of place in companies. They themselves believe that they cannot be interesting to others. And if on top of all this there is someone’s criticism, then there is a risk that the sufferer will close himself off from the whole world, retire into his shell and is unlikely to come out in the near future. Now think about it, if such a person considers himself superfluous, constantly doubts the appropriateness of his presence and just wants to return home as soon as possible, will those around him tolerate him? I don't think they'll really want to see him again.
It may come as a surprise to some that you can and even need to choose your environment. It turns out that we ourselves decide with whom to communicate and with whom not. But, there is such an intimidated type of people who grab any opportunity to stay longer with any person, open up to him and get to know him better. Since no normal person can withstand such pressure, it is mainly psychopaths and codependent individuals who get such personnel. And they are happy about this, because where else can they find people? For some reason everyone is running away. If this one leaves, they will be left alone. Do not do it this way. Believe me, there are at least seven billion more representatives of your species around you. If one leaves, another will appear. Don’t grab onto everyone as if they were a life-saving straw, approach your choice of friends more selectively, then the constant suffering and torment from a completely unsuitable partner nearby will finally stop.
There are images that even look at their own mother with suspicion and distrust. If they were medieval knights, their coat of arms would have a motto: trust no one. Most likely, such a credo did not appear by chance. It may be the result of a series of betrayals and constant stabs at human cruelty. But we should not forget about the miraculous influence of a psychologist on such problems. Since life does not end after contact with another unpleasant type, you should learn a lesson from this, ideally work it out with a specialist and move on with a pure soul, exploring the wonderful opportunities of life.
Strong feeling of loneliness
Some people who have long suffered from a strong feeling of loneliness have a constant relationship scenario that repeats from time to time, and they may not even notice it. At first everything develops normally, good and pleasant communication, walks, meetings, but as soon as the relationship reaches a certain point, after which it is time to take it to a new level, they quickly run away into their safe hole and do not leave it until the other person moves away to a safe distance. It is difficult to say what causes this behavior, but it is in the comfort zone into which a person escapes that his loneliness is located. He chooses it himself.
Feeling empty and lonely
A possible reason for feelings of emptiness and loneliness is a lack of skill in interacting with other people. A person doesn’t know how to communicate and that’s all. There are many reasons for this, from basic insecurity to personality disorders due to which the skill was not learned in childhood. The reasons may also include some cultural characteristics of the region of residence. For example, a person lived for a long time in a small village far from other settlements and cities. In such a village, everyone knows each other and doesn’t really bother with such complex things as personal boundaries. So our character, after moving to a larger city, meeting new people, does not burden himself with the need to respect their boundaries, without embarrassment he asks about everything, from the first minute gives friendly pats on the back and does not hesitate to touch other people’s things. It is very likely that such a person will be lonely until he learns to behave a little differently.
Another cause of loneliness may be perfectionism. A little unexpected, but it's true. Ideal or not at all. This motto also applies to the selection of social circles. Everyone you know must be demigods, supermen and nothing else. And if at the first contact they somehow manage to throw dust in the eyes of a perfectionist, then with further communication, all the imperfections appear clearly, and there is no point in communicating with such people.
Uselessness
We all need to have our needs met from birth. And psychological needs are no less important than physical ones.
What are the important psychological needs?
Safe and protected. In love, acceptance, in society. In recognition, respect, approval and self-esteem.
If these needs are not met in childhood, then feelings of “uselessness” are formed.
Causes:
• the child's achievements and needs are ignored;
• there is no praise, no approval, no healthy (!) criticism
• when mistakes are made, the child receives increased attention and is subjected to unconstructive criticism;
• love becomes a reward for “convenience,” “obedience,” and “good behavior”;
• when parents blame and shame the child for his actions. They punish by being offended or ignoring him;
• if excessive responsibility was imposed (for example, for raising younger brothers and sisters);
• when negative comparisons with other children are often used, etc.
Rejection is perceived as inevitable and the only possible attitude towards oneself. A feeling is formed that “I am not worthy of attention and care.” Simply because the most significant people, who are the only intermediaries between the child and the outside world, think so.
Parental love is the first love we experience in this world. And, if there is no emotional and sensory connection with the mother or other loved ones, this forces the child to suppress the desire for intimacy. A feeling of abandonment and “eternal loneliness” appears. For a child, this means a loss of security. This means fear of death, horror.
This affect is almost unbearable, causes colossal damage to the personality and is therefore repressed to the subconscious level. It can neither be conscious nor integrated.
Later in life, repressed emotions will break out in the form of spontaneous experiences. And contribute to the formation of destructive, distorted relationships with other people.
Such an adult will constantly look for a loving, understanding and accepting mother. But at the same time he is not able to build long-term relationships. The horror of the feeling of “uselessness”, “abandonment” is enormous and constantly haunts. Threatens constantly and in any relationship with others.
A person already consciously chooses loneliness and detachment. He denies intimacy, emotional connection. There is no alternative. Going beyond loneliness is intolerable and impossible.
Loneliness is a protective behavior that helps avoid a possible breakup. Intimacy, love, affection, friendship for such a person equals pain. Severe, emotional pain. That is why giving up close relationships, giving up love is giving up pain. Preserving yourself and your integrity.
Such loneliness has nothing to do with self-sufficiency and freedom. It does not equal solitude and remoteness.
Behind this loneliness lies fear, unbearable suffering, an inner emptiness that is filled with addictions or constant hobbies, leading to frequent changes of partners, friends, and social circles.
But inside there lives a small and lonely child who is constantly waiting and looking for mother’s love, but in a “familiar” way for him: in order to become needed, you need to become good, irreplaceable. Therefore, the motto in life is: “everything for others.” And one’s own needs and desires are denied, repressed or relegated to the background.
“Don’t worry, I’ll give up my plans. I'll live in the kitchen. I'll wear an old coat. I'll dig up the garden... And you rest... Nothing! I do not need much! If only you feel good!”
If only you needed me!
This is how the primary traumatic experience is transferred to all relationships with people. But this is not enough. Everything in my soul screams that it is not needed, is not interesting, it takes up time, it is empty for everyone!
Such a person only gives, gives. He is unable to take it. Because “to take” means to need support, help, acceptance, love. Refusal to “take” means becoming invulnerable, independent and not experiencing the pain of defenselessness and rejection.
Unfortunately, this way of interacting with others does not work.
Love, understanding, acceptance and support are necessary for all people. And refusing them only increases the feeling of loneliness. Vicious circle.
Dependency is present in any close relationship. We are, of course, talking about a healthy addiction. There is no escape into relationships, work, activity or substance - just not to be alone with yourself, to fill the emptiness, to get rid of anxiety.
Every person needs balance. This is a balance in the ability to be in close relationships with other people and at the same time not lose yourself.
But there is no such balance within the “unnecessary” ones!
How to cope with feelings of loneliness
Now that we have discussed the main causes of loneliness, now we should ask an equally important question: how to cope with the feeling of loneliness? What you need to do to stop being a lonely person and learn to make more or less constant contacts. First, stop communicating with those who constantly whine about being lonely. It may sound paradoxical, you are already alone, and I also suggest you stop communicating with the person. But, this is a necessity. You are shaped by your environment. And if you communicate with a lonely whiner, then the likelihood that you will become the same doubles. As many as two times! Do you really need this?
The next point is to understand the cause of loneliness. We have already looked at some of them. Of course, there may be much more, so try to understand what the reason is in your particular case. If you don’t do this, you will continue to fight windmills and stagnate in one place. Figure out what is preventing you from communicating with others and solve this problem.
There are some universal ways to combat loneliness that will be useful to you for any reason for loneliness. Firstly, put down your gadgets, free your head a little from the information overload that weighs on you every day, not giving you the opportunity to calmly think about your own life. If you can’t imagine a day without your phone and scrolling through Facebook, then something urgently needs to change. A very good solution would be a country holiday without technology. And secondly, pay more attention to your body and physical fitness. Do some kind of sport, go to the gym or to the pool, this will help you feel more alive, free your head from problems and work on your appearance. If it seems to you that this has nothing to do with your problem, try it, and then talk. Every problem can be dealt with, the main thing is desire and action, then you will succeed.
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Manifestations
The feeling of uselessness is impossible to ignore. This painful feeling overwhelms a person and does not allow him to fully enjoy life. The symptoms of this condition are very noticeable. Before you think about how to cope with negative attitudes, you need to learn to distinguish between the manifestations themselves.
Feeling helpless
The person feels unable to cope even with basic tasks. It seems to him that no matter what he touches, disappointment awaits him everywhere. Experiences can be very strong and long-lasting, especially if they affect moments of personal reflection. This may lead to a feeling of despair. The individual becomes too fixated on what is happening and does not know what to do when he finds himself in a new, unfamiliar situation. The feeling of helplessness does not allow you to make the right decision, because it reveals a weakness in character. The individual stops trusting himself and does not know how to concentrate on making the right decision.
Envy
Other people seem more successful. This is because a person gets used to comparing himself with others, thereby losing his own individuality. A person is constantly in tension to meet someone else's expectations. Too much internal energy is spent on worry, on comparing, analyzing, looking for shortcomings in oneself and endlessly doubting. Envy is born from distrust of oneself and unwillingness to rely on the individual experience gained. Envy awakens in response to endless doubts and worries. There is not enough internal strength to deal with difficulties.
Depreciation of merit
The inability to see one's achievements is another distinguishing feature. A person simply cannot understand what is of greatest value to him. He constantly rushes between a sense of duty and his own desires. There is a devaluation of existing merits. It seems that previous achievements are an accident, that in fact the personality itself has nothing to do with it. Against this background, prolonged depression and a state of general dissatisfaction with life often develop. It turns out that no matter what an individual undertakes, bitter disappointment awaits him everywhere.
Lack of understanding of your goals
The next point follows from the previous point - this is the inability to realize one’s own prospects and capabilities. A person simply does not notice them, because he does not analyze everything that happens to him, but only remains in endless accusations. Self-reproach cannot lead to happy realization. As a result, self-doubt is formed, a lack of understanding of what one should strive for and where one should direct one’s efforts. This is a very painful condition that does not lead to anything good. When a person is not aware of individual desires, he inevitably begins to adapt to the opinions of others, seeking consolation and advice from them.
