- What is a sense of responsibility
- Feelings of guilt: always destructive?
- Are guilt and responsibility mutually exclusive?
- Feeling of shame
In one of the previous articles, we touched on the topic of what a feeling of imposed guilt is. And in this material we propose to talk about the relationship between feelings of guilt, responsibility and shame . Thus, there is a point of view that the feeling of guilt is a priori destructive (that is, any guilt is equal to imposed guilt - such as is discussed in the previous material). According to this theory, adult self-sufficient individuals do not have such a feeling: they are characterized only by responsibility. Others have a different opinion (and it is closer to us): that guilt and responsibility are different feelings, while guilt can also be constructive. We invite you to make your own decision based on the material presented below.
Why is control needed?
Internal control
Its function is to minimize inevitable mistakes, as well as to reduce the inevitable resistance to new things when implementing plans.
When we have planned something, the result we want to achieve looks a certain way in our imagination. But in the process of incarnation, life makes its own adjustments. Sometimes circumstances intervene, sometimes other people intervene. And from time to time we simply have other things to do that make us get distracted and completely forget about the original goal.
It is for such cases that there is an internal controller. He checks how successfully we implement what we planned, pushes us and motivates us if something goes wrong.
External control
The external part of the controller is also necessary. We monitor the world around us, if only for the purposes of self-preservation, and this is quite reasonable. We have long ceased to live in the wild, where constant “monitoring” of the environment is the key to survival, but, nevertheless, there is still a sense in control. We watch for cars when crossing the street, watch our step so as not to trip, pay attention to the clock to make sure we are on time, and so on.
If we talk about the psychological sphere, control helps us monitor the reactions of people around us and receive feedback.
That is, control is a necessary part of our personality, which “keeps order.”
Sometimes I meet people who wonder: what to do if you feel like a hyper-responsible person and cannot relax, cannot miss something, entrust it to other people? What to do if this already causes internal discomfort and is reflected in unpleasant situations in life?
I am deeply convinced that there is nothing meaningless in life, and if a person is faced with some quality of his that brings difficulties, but at the same time cannot free himself from this quality, this indicates that there is some kind of bonus due to which the problem cannot yet be easily resolved.
If you are familiar with the feeling of living under time pressure, under a huge burden of responsibility, and the to-do list keeps growing and growing, and at the same time there is no return - no feeling of satisfaction or gratitude towards you, then I suggest that first of all you think about it - why are you so hyper-responsible?
Perhaps hyper-responsibility allows you to avoid reproaches for inaction? Or does it make you feel better than others? Or do you think that this is an indicator of your hereditary value (for example, your dad was so responsible)? Having found the answer to this question, having found your bonus, it will be easier for you to make decisions about each individual situation, for example, is it worth my time and effort to get involved in this matter in order to feel good - maybe I can already feel good Fine?
In addition, I want to say, this is an inevitable law of life, that if you are a tensely responsible person (if the stick is too much), it will always turn out that you will not have a safe space around you, there will always be irresponsible people around to maintain balance in life . Not people, but some circumstances will slow you down, we see similar examples all the time... All religions of the world have the following thesis - do not make yourself an idol, not a single quality of a person can be absolute.
You need to understand that there is nothing in life for which happiness and joy are worth sacrificing. Therefore, there are situations when, instead of going to a meeting that someone else needs, you need to just leave everything and lie at home with your favorite book.
What do we have to do?
You need to allow yourself to be irresponsible. Start by making a list of things you can NOT do right now. And write down what you want to do, but don’t do, because all your time is occupied with responsible matters.
Write down how many times a day you devote time to yourself, for a good mood and cheerfulness? How much attention do you pay to your body? Dancing? Gymnastics? A bath with aroma oil? At what moments are you a Woman (because responsibility, in the understanding that we are now discussing, is an inflection into a male quality). It is important that pleasant “useless” things take place in your life.
I know women who have ironed men's socks. And because of this, they had complaints against their man, because she does a lot of things, and even irons her socks! And when you ask the question: “Why are you doing this?”, it turns out that the man didn’t even ask for this, that she cannot help but do this, because she is hyper-accurate. It's the same with responsibility: you can't miss something or do something differently because you have such hyper-responsibility, and as a result, you don't live your life. At some point, you can easily find that 30% of things may not be done at all, and another 30% may be entrusted to other people who will be happy to take them on.
I have an example where a woman, exhausted by her husband’s indifference, for a long time could not trust her husband with any household chores, and then decided that he could buy certain products (3 types) and pick up things from the laundry. And at the very moment when she decided this, her husband called on the phone and said that he had picked up the things from the cleaners!
Don't take on responsibilities that other people might take on. Even if you know that you can do better than them, if you know that a person can cope with a task - let him do it!
And if you are being burdened with tasks, notice this, and think about how you can evade - you will be surprised to find that as your hyper-responsibility recedes, there will be fewer and fewer people willing to burden you!
So, 3 questions, the answers to which will help you change the situation:
- What am I trying to compensate for with hyper-responsibility?
- List of what I do (cross out what you don’t need to do and mark what you can entrust)
- A list of pleasures that you need to color your life with and consciously set aside time for them every day (at least 5 minutes for a palm massage or a foot bath).
Throughout all centuries, humanity has wondered about the meaning of life - it was once believed that people are born to fight for survival, to win, to become the strongest... It was once believed that the meaning of life is to plant a tree, raise a son, build a house...
And now we see that even people who have successfully achieved these goals do not feel satisfied, there is a need for something more! And now it is more obvious than ever that the meaning of life is only in happiness!
It makes sense to achieve all your affairs, all your goals in a joyful state, in a flow of inspiration, only then do they truly decorate our life and make it truly fulfilling.
I wish you success and ease in everything!
How is over- and under-control related to anxiety?
The reason for excessive control is usually a lack of trust in the world and in oneself. And a frequent accompaniment of excessive control is a strong feeling of anxiety. It is precisely this that a person tries to compensate for by constantly checking everything and everyone.
Control partly solves the problem - at a specific moment. Once again making sure that everything is more or less in order, the person calms down - until the next panic attack. But the general feeling of constant anxiety does not go away. And of course, it does not have a very good effect on our character, health and general condition.
The reluctance to control anything, oddly enough, can also be associated with distrust. A person does not believe in his ability to change something so much that he prefers to pretend that he doesn’t want to. He adopts a falsely light outlook on his life, but this lightness is not real: in reality, the person has simply given up.
Read about the correct attitude towards fear and anxiety and how to get rid of anxiety in the article at the link.
Feelings of guilt: always destructive?
As we said, there is a point of view that the feeling of guilt is always destructive and that it is not characteristic of adults, psychologically mature and organic individuals. However, in our opinion, firstly, guilt and responsibility are not mutually exclusive, and secondly, guilt can also be different.
In general, a feeling of guilt is an internal negative assessment of one’s actions, the awareness that we have violated certain obligations, principles, and guidelines that we have accepted.
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In most cases, this feeling refers to something that has already been accomplished, but perhaps it also refers to something that will be done or not done in the future. For example, you promised something, but you know for sure that you won’t fulfill it.
Therefore, hour X has not yet arrived, but you are already tormented by guilt. However, the main feature of this feeling is not the “start time”, but the rather vague “end date”
. Let's say a friend has long forgiven you for a broken thing, but you are still tormented. Such long-term, especially if the feeling is strong and disturbing, can greatly affect self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. Such guilt, of course, should not be considered as a constructive feeling.
Another feature of guilt: it doesn’t actually require us to do anything.
. As we said above, responsibility implies active work to correct mistakes, while guilt “by default” does not include such a function (and according to those who believe that it is always destructive, it never includes). Formally, this feeling makes you ask for forgiveness, but not correct what you have done.
However, in our opinion, not everything is so bad with wine. Sometimes it is she who encourages you to work on mistakes, stops you from committing thoughtless actions, and teaches you to separate the bad from the good.
. It's all about what kind of guilt you feel and the degree of this feeling. And here we come to the most controversial issue: guilt vs. responsibility.
How does control work?
Our personality can be divided into three components, which are called “Inner Child”, “Inner Parent” and “Inner Adult”. Each of them plays its role.
- The child is responsible for desires, creativity, joy of life, spontaneity.
- An adult plans, negotiates, structures, works.
- And finally, the parent checks, encourages and cares.
As you understand, our controller, both internal and external, is the parent.
The degree of healthy or unhealthy control we exercise depends on how harmoniously our components interact.
Read more about personality states in the article:
“Three states of personality: parent, adult, child”
Feeling of shame
Shame often accompanies guilt. Although the specific definition of shame varies among experts, let us assume that the feeling
a person feels guilt before himself, and shame - rather before others.
That is, guilt reflects how we ourselves evaluate our actions, and shame is a reaction to how, in our opinion, others evaluate our actions and us in general
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It’s as if we look at ourselves through someone else’s eyes, and we don’t like what we see. It is important to consider that this is our personal, subjective idea of the opinions of other people
, which may have nothing to do with reality. For example, we may be ashamed of someone for something, although this someone did not even pay any attention to our offense. And on the contrary, a person may not feel shame, although people important to him do not approve of his behavior.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the belief that one should live according to perfection. Healthy perfectionism can easily become a great driver of personal achievement. The problem is when you develop the belief that failure to achieve excellence is tantamount to personal failure. This is pathological perfectionism, expressed from the highest goals to the simplest details and tasks. The level of tension or anxiety is always high, because... any task, no matter how simple it may be, is always a challenge.
A perfectionist is someone who constantly suffers and reinforces his insecurities because he wants to achieve perfection so that either he believes he has achieved it or he does not stop doing the action. He usually wastes a lot of time doing everyday activities that should ignore his personal life.
Perfectionism is something that is always closely related to a lack of confidence and security. Thus, in extreme cases, it leads to overly harsh or controlling behavior. They feel a lot of pressure, which causes them a lot of suffering: they are never satisfied with the result of their actions and reject any mistake or imperfection, associating them with a lack of personal value. And this is indeed a real problem. Both successes and failures are not always assessed based on objectivity, but on personal failures.
A person who has learned to take responsibility:
realizes that life, success, self-realization, happiness depend on him; is ready to fulfill the promises made to himself and other people, does it diligently; knows how to make decisions in crisis situations; knows how to take care of those who need help and support, or are not independent enough; clearly understands the consequences that decisions lead to. When you take responsibility, interpersonal relationships arise that involve rights and responsibilities, a sense of duty and honor.
Marriage, parenthood, guardianship, work, and other areas of life require taking on certain obligations.
